Fast Food

I Need My Big Macs

I love food. And I like it fast. People wonder why I walk all over town. I like to listen to my Ipod and check out movies and video games at different stores. And more importantly I like to eat fast food. I pretty much eat fast food everyday and spend most of my allowance on said fast food. It’s all part of the journey. But I will probably have a heart attack any time soon.

I like to get the specials of the day. I have it all figured out. On Tuesday I hit KFC for a Tuesday special. It used to be called a Toonie Tuesday but every year they raised it by 15 cents and now the special is about $3 plus tax. This includes a leg, a breast and fries. Mmm. And I get water. Haha legs and breasts. Back in the day the gang would prank call Swiss Chalet and ask how their legs and breasts are. Haha.

At Burger King they have the burger of the day. On Wednesday I like to get a Wednesday Whooper for $2. Mmm. But every time I forget to ask them to hold the tomatoes. I love their onion rings. Maybe McDonalds should finally offer some. In Canada they have mozza sticks too. Mmm.

They have the Burger King Kids Club. What a bunch of losers. They try to include every stereotype. You have the token black kid, a dork with glasses called I.Q, some handicap kid in a wheelchair, and a radical kid Kid Vid with shades. He cool because he has those big ass sun glasses that cover his face. I think they’re missing a fat blind kid and an Eskimo.

McDonalds is my favorite burger joint. I have already written a blog about McDonalds and what the fuck Grimace is. I think I called it Ronald the Faggy McDonald because I hate clowns and he looks like pedophile. Anyway I love Big Macs and Mcnuggets like I love a newborn child. The secret sauce on a Big Mac is mayo and thousand island dressing. As for Mcnuggets I like five honeys and five sweet and sour dipping sauces.

But money is tight and I usually order from the value menu and order water. As for dessert I love caramel sundaes. Mmm. The thing is when you ask for a tiny slice of cheese they charge like a buck because they can get away with it. Bastards!

Have you seen the movie Supersize Me? If you haven’t, for a whole month this guy Morgan Spurlock only ate at McDonalds. His health plummeted and he gained weight. At one point the doctor advised him to stop. He made it, and afterwards McDonalds ended the whole supersize upgrade. And then there were those two fat chicks that filed a lawsuit at McDonalds because they’re fat. But the good news is there new wraps are awesome. Mmm.

A&W is my second favorite fast food restaurant. And the Mozza Burger is my second favorite burger. Mmm. I only go if they have coupons or sales. For one thing they give you huge glass mugs and you don’t have to order root beer. And their onion rings are awesome. But I don’t like the whole different burgers for each family member. I have no fucking clue what the difference is between a teen burger, a papa burger, a brother in law burger or an illegitimate son burger.

Taco Bell used to be a cheap. I remember getting tacos for 60 cents. Not anymore. I have to order a taco supreme just to get some sour cream. I love fries supremes, meximelts and Mexican pizza. If you have ever seen Bowling for Columbine, my hometown Sarnia is in for a few minutes. I don’t know why but whatever. Michael Moore interviewed our Mayor and then two idiots and a fat ugly chick with green hair in front of our Taco Bell.

Harvey’s is an awesome Canadian burger joint. If you are ever visiting Canada then you must check it out. They take a little longer grilling the burgers, but it’s worth it. The cool part is that you get to pick and choose whatever toppings you want for no additional charge. Except for cheese. Bastards!

They have every topping you can think off, like hot peppers, barbecue sauce, large pickles and relish. But every time someone asks for everything on it, they still ask if you want peppers or whatever. I usually order ketchup, mustard, mayo, lettuce and onions. They have awesome hot dogs and poutine fries too. And for all of those self-righteous vegans, they make veggie burgers. Eww. Tofu is gross.

Where the fuck is the beef, dammit?! Wendy’s is all right. But I get kind of sick of it. Like their nuggets. I only order a BLT or spicy chicken burger and frostys. And Wendy is such an ugly redhead ginger girl. Was there an actual Wendy? Too bad Dave Thomas kicked the bucket. For business class we saw a documentary on Dave and apparently he couldn’t even read a short script for a two second commercial. He had like twenty outtakes.

Sometimes I like to change it up a bit and get Arby’s. At home I’m not the biggest roast beef fan but I love it at Arby’s because of their special sauce and melted cheese. They’re curly fries are tasty. But they have these stupid burgers loaded with toppings. Like having a burger with onion rings. Can’t you just eat the onion rings while eating the burger? What’s next, a burger with an omelet, anchovies or icream?

Subway is probably the healthiest fast food joint that I go to. Back in college there was a Subway right across the road from my dorm that took student meal cards. I love their roasted chicken and pizza subs. Mmm. Normally I get lettuce, cheese and some lines of mayo. There are so many good memories of being completely hammered and ordering some subs.

However my friend Stics was wasted and when he paid with his debit card some asshole saw his password. The next day he finds out he left his debit card at Subway and that the asshole withdrew something like $200 five times. And Stics didn’t do anything about it. I would have complained and ask to check the camera. But that’s just me. Anyway all of this talk about fast food is getting me hungry. To McDonalds here I come!

Magazines

I Have Issues Magazine

I’m not much of a reader. My mom on the other hand loves to sit down with some chocolate, or Jujubes, and read a good book. She tries to get me interested in novels but I rather watch the movie. She also tries to get me motivated to watch the news and find out what is happening in the world.

For example she asks me what is happening in Egypt and all I know is that they’re all nuts in the Middle East and the government is corrupt and evil. And then she asks how can I have an interesting conversation without knowing any current events. She might be on to something because most of my conversations are about movies, video games and smoking weed.

On occasion I like to read the newspaper when I’m getting an X-large double, double coffee at Tim Horton’s. Just the other day some guy tried to smuggle drugs across the Canadian-American border. He scuba dived across the river at 3:00am carrying a water tight container of cocaine. Some narc spotted him and he was arrested in the States. Had he been coming into Canada his sentence would not be as bad as in the States.

Whenever I go to the variety store I like to browse through the magazines. Normally I don’t buy them but I like to catch up on my celebrity gossip and see what shenanigans Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan is up to. Imagine you are Lindsay Lohan and how would you feel each time you’re on the magazine cover? “Oh today I’m a crazy, washed up, drug addicted hoar. Maybe that’s why there isn’t going to be a sequel to Freaky Friday.” That’s why I always wanted to be rich but not famous. I don’t want to be on the cover of People with the headline “Gregera hits a new low as he sells his kidney to for crack and paint thinner.”

My uncle used to give us his old National Geographic magazines. I love animals and nature. In a few of them they had pictures of native tribes. And they were naked. As far as I remember it was the first time I’ve seen boobs. And I liked them. Imagine that everyone was butt naked. It would be awesome to see hot chicks’ bouncing boobs all of the time. But not so awesome to see granny’s vagina. I always wondered why natives have those ugly droopy ears with ten pound earrings. Stretched out giraffe necks with rings that can barely support their head. And nails through their nose. Eww.

My first magazine subscription was to Nintendo Power. This was long before internet guides. They would actually show levels beginning to end. This came in handy for games like Zelda or Mega Man. Each magazine came with a poster. Sweet. I liked seeing previews of upcoming games too. And they had players guide. It helped out with Golden Eye and Zelda Orcina of Time. The problem is I get lazy and I look up guides any time I get stuck, instead of trying to figure it out on my own.

Back in the day I had three subscriptions to men’s magazines. They were Stuff, FHM and Maxim. The first few magazines were huge and awesome. Now they’re paper thin. The thing is I buy them for the articles. I read everything from cover to cover. But I will definitely have a gander at the models. My mom thinks they’re filthy and when I was out of town she threw most of them out. Including my coveted Jennifer Love Hewitt issue.

Stuff is my favorite of the bunch. I love Randy the helpful pineapple. FHM, which stands For Him Magazine, is cool as well. It’s funny, chicks like those magazines too. And I tried the whole Maxim beat this caption. Too bad they don’t take any submissions that are outside the U.S. And my American friend is too busy to submit them for me.

My dad had a massive collection of Playboys in the cellar. So my mom has been throwing them out a few magazines at a time. Apparently she’s too embarrassed to let the neighborhood and garbage men see like 200 nudity magazines. I bought a few myself like the college issue or to see washed up celebrity centerfolds. Again like an airbrushed Lindsay Lohan. I’m still waiting for Jennifer Love Hewitt to waste her money and pose nude for a cold million.

Whenever I’m in the doctor or dentist waiting room I like to read People or Times. I find them more entertaining and interesting than Sports Illustrated. Too bad they don’t have Hustler. I guess it would be slightly inappropriate. And I admit I like reading Cosmo if they have any. The funny thing is they have more pictures of hot chicks than of guys. And two thirds of Cosmo magazines are advertisements. There are like ten ads before the damn contents.

And impressionable girls have this whole unrealistic body expectations. For one thing I think the models are way too skinny and have no boobs. Me on the other hand don’t have confidence issues when I see male models with six packs on Men’s Health magazines. I rather eat whatever I want than have washboard abs.

Sometimes I like to skim through Tattoo magazines. Some tattoos are really cool, some are really stupid. Personally I will never get any because I think I will regret it. I know a lot people who got screwed over. One idiot on my soccer team got his ex-girlfriend’s name tattooed on his arm. Good thing it was in old English script and you can’t really read it.

But if I would get one, like a red maple leaf or something, I would pay a pretty penny to get it done right. I have even seen 3D tattoos. Cool. On the other hand there are people who have run out of space on their body. They even have tattoos on their face or feet. And then there are people who get “funny” tattoos. I’ve seen one idiot with a tattoo of Michael Jackson molesting McCauley Culkin. Great idea loser.

I’m sure by now people know my love of marijuana. But who actually reads High Times? I only took a quick look a few times. They show contests such as the Cannabis Cup. “Awesome! Did you see those red crystals on that bud? I want to smoke some of that!” Maybe you want to learn how to make a weed closet. My pal had one, with lights and shit.

And finally my good friend actually works at House and Homes Magazine. Canada’s #1 magazine about design and decorating!

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Lego

Lego My Eggo

My favorite toy as a kid was Lego. You can build whatever you can imagine. And I have a good imagination. In fact as a kid I wanted to work for the Lego Corporation in Denmark and make my own Lego constructions. I love how Lego is capitalized by the way.

I never liked Lego clones such as Mega Blocks. No, real Lego is the only way fly. So unless it says Lego on every piece I’m not touching it. I found the clones never stuck together just right.

Back in the day there were only a few different blocks. Three flat ones equal one normal block. Do you remember it being a bitch trying break them apart? I resorted to using my teeth. Which was gross really and left chew marks.

I remember in elementary school I’d finish my math as quickly as possible so I’d be the first person to get to play with the Lego. That was when I was awesome at math. Of course my buildings were a mess and had no color coordination. You know when your house walls looks like scrambled eggs. Years later our school had pneumatic Lego. It was awesome.

I love how all of the Lego people are yellow; like the Simpsons. I don’t remember any black Lego people when I was a kid. I guess it is because Lego people’s eyes and mouths are black and black Lego people would be just a black Lego block. Unless their teeth are showing when they smile.

I was into Lego cars and vehicles. Wheels were my favorite pieces. Back in the day me and my brother would create own vehicles and ram them against each other. First one to stop moving loses. So I’d used like ten wheels. I find flat pieces hold together better. Of course you need a Lego driver, a glass windshield and a steering wheel so he can drive.

My friend Aaron had like a million pieces. He had like five bins of Lego. Mostly space stuff. It’s sad that I liked playing with them when I was like fourteen. Again we’d create our vehicles and ram them. He had so many pieces you’d have to empty the bins and look for all of the wheels and sort the good parts.

I also got into Castle Lego. My favorite thing was the catapult. I had two. I had two huge castles, one was the good castle and one was the evil castle. I had a million knights. Me and buddy actually bought some knights from his neighbor Ross. Haha Ross. We ripped him off. His mom found out and she was pissed.

So way back I made this huge battleground on my dresser. I still have a picture of it. I bought a huge flat green piece and painted a blue river for my pirate ship and other ships. It was sweet. At the time. Now its sad. However my brother used it as a display in school and people stole pieces. I was pissed. I also lost my instructions for my Lego sets. I wonder if they have a Lego website where they have instructions and new ideas.

Now they have a million different Lego themes. They have Starwars, Ninja, Skyrim, Indiana Jones, Lone Rangers and even Bond. I wonder what can you build for James Bond but whatever. There are Marvel and DC Lego too. If I was a kid I’d have battles between DC and Marvel. I hope Professor Xavier has a wheel chair. And I hope they have the X-Men ship; Black Bird.

I wonder if they have Lego in Israel. You’d have sacred Lego walls and temples. Lego people can walk on the Dead Seas. There would be Lego suicide bombers with Lego pieces scattered everywhere. And Lego tanks and helicopters.

What bothers me is now you have these huge pieces. It kind of takes away from being able to build things. Imagine a car that is one giant piece. I also liked mixing Lego peoples’ parts and making transvestite Lego people.

I love all of these Lego video games like Starwars Lego and the Lord of the Rings Lego. I don’t know why but they’re fun. I think they should have Nintendo Lego. Imagine Mario Lego where he can break floating Lego blocks, collect Lego coins and shoot Lego fireballs. Yoshi can eat Lego blocks and turtles can take off their Lego shells. And Zelda Lego would be like Castle Lego or Lord of the Rings Lego.

I always wanted to go to Lego Land. I’ve seen life size statues of R2D2 and Darth Vader. Sweet. That would be a bitch to build. Imagine a place where you live where everything is made of Lego. I want to live in my own Lego house and drive a life size Lego Ford Focus. And I’d have a huge Lego statute of me, only in tan color. If Lego comes in tan. I don’t know. By the way I think I used the word Lego about fifty Lego times.

The Goodwill

When you are a retiree like myself you still like to work part time to keep yourself busy. So I decided to give back to the community and volunteer at the Goodwill. For the past month I have been working there once a week on Tuesdays. And I get an employee discount! You’re not supposed to shop during your shift or break but I do glance at some items.

I’m already a regular there. Things go fast at the Goodwill so I check out the movies and stuff all the time when I go on my morning walks. DVDs are $3 each (no tax) and I have probably bought like 20 of them. And VHS movies are only a buck so I bought a ton. Including every decent Disney and Pixar movie there is. Even though my brother hates when I buy tapes. I also have a friend that works there that I met through poker. He knows my love of movies and is going to actually bring a list of his DVDs and sell me the ones I want.

They pretty much put me wherever they need me. My first day I had to do “pulls.” When clothes and certain items have been there for five weeks they move them to the other Goodwill store or donate them. So there are five different color tags and my job was to go through all of the women’s clothes and pull the clothes with the orange tags. Too bad the yellow and orange tags look the same and I spend more time figuring it out what color it is. And some of the tops keep falling off the damn hanger and I buddy told me fuck it.

The next week I had to pull men’s clothing. Too bad I had to pull men’s boxers. Gross. I mean who donates boxers and who actually buys them. I mean I don’t want to get Aids. I hope they check for skin marks. Goodwill doesn’t even wash them. I have also heard of people donating grandma panties. Haha.

For my third week I helped out with moving the furniture. The thing that pisses me off is that people are too fucking lazy and cheap to throw out their furniture in a dump. So they “donate” all of this junk to the Goodwill. I know all too well people aren’t going to buy those old shitty wooden rear projector T.V. stands.

For my fourth week I got to sort through incoming items. It’s probably the most fun job looking at donations and peoples shit. One old lady donated a purse filled with coins. We gave it to the manager. There were some Iphones and shitty computers. And there was garbage. Literally.

I saw Ram Man from He-Man. He’s the guy whose legs spring up and down. So he goes from a midget to a normal person. Knowing they’re worth a lot and my cousin collects He-Man toys, I wanted to buy right then and there. But it’s against Goodwill’s policy. So I have checked the toys section three times and I can’t find him.

There were two other volunteers that helped out. Both were high school students working there for the summer.  I think they wanted to get experience put on their resume or get a paying job there. Too bad idiot dropped a glass bowl. Twice. So there was glass all over the fucking place. I mean come on.

We found several books on how to land a man and why men are assholes. It was hilarious, we had a good laugh. We were thinking it must have been some desperate woman who divorced a bunch of times. I remember one book was something like “Why Men like Bitches” and another was the classic “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.” Do you honestly think these books help?

I forgot how it started by me and one guy, both atheists, started talking about how ridiculous the Holy Bible is. I was saying how impossible it would be for Noah to catch two of every animal, bring them back to his huge boat he built himself, keep them safely separated, feed them, and keep them alive for forty some days. And then put them back where he caught them all over the world.

And the other guy who is deeply religious overheard us and said it was possible. Then he had all of these arguments that were just nonsense. I felt bad and I didn’t want get into any theological debates. But my atheist friend kept going at it and religious guy’s eyes were getting watery.

Religious guy explained the Pixar theory to me. It is basically saying that most or all of the Pixar movies are related in some way to one another. It blew my mind. For example the doors in Monsters Inc. are actually time portals. There are all of these small details that you don’t notice right away. But I’m not good at explaining things so go look it up on Youtube.

There is also a Value Village in town. However they are overpriced. They also sell movies but for $5 and they have a terrible selection. They sell sketchy and dirty clothes. The thing is Goodwill is non profit while Value Village isn’t. At least Value Village gives some percentage to charity.

A while back I bought a T.V. for $17 at Value Village. When I see something with a sticker saying “as is” I won’t touch it. But this television clearly said tested. I get back home and its fucked up. I go back to the store to return it. Dude told me that they don’t take returns and I told him it said tested. He says the power worked but they couldn’t hook it up. And that its only $17 and he doesn’t want to lose his job over this. I tell him ya great job and then I told him to fuck off. So his manager gave me my money back. But I sill wasted gas and more importantly; my time.

Growing Up

Here is a completely random ass blog about getting older. Normally my blogs are random but this one takes the cheese.

I don’t know about you but when I was a little boy I thought I’d always be a kid. Kind of like Bart Simpson. I mean how shitty would the Simpsons be if everyone got older. Grandpa and Hans Moleman would be dead and Maggie would be like twenty.

Back in the day the Simpsons was my favorite cartoon. I would drop anything I was doing to catch a new episode. I could be three km away playing basketball with my friends on a Thursday night and run home so I will be back before it starts at 8:00.

The first few seasons it was the funniest thing on television. Now I barely watch it unless I don’t have anything better to do. Like do sudoku or play with devil sticks. The plots are weak and they’re getting desperate finding fresh ideas. Like having another episode with Moe going out with a much hotter girlfriend or maybe an episode with bumblebee man.

They should just wrap it up. And I was disappointed with the movie. I thought the plot of having the dome put over Springfield was a good idea but there just weren’t enough laughs. But this blog isn’t about the Simpsons. Besides it would take me forever to write a decent tribute to the Simpsons.

I’m now 31 years young but I don’t give a shit about getting older really. I think I was more depressed turning 20 and not being a teenager anymore.  Of course people often think I’m younger. It’s how you feel inside really. And people think my mom is much younger than she really is. She buys a lot creams and beauty products. I remember on my mom’s 40^th birthday she was crying and I didn’t understand why. I mean it’s your birthday.

The drinking age in Canada is 19, (or 18 in Quebec). Too bad I had to write a damn essay and study for a big law test on my 19^th birthday. My dad wanted to go to the bar with me but I told him I couldn’t. What a shitty decision that was. I should have gone and I should have just gone to bed at like 4:00. Besides I usually slept through my first class anyway. I must say that you have to smell the roses and not worry too much about trivial school work. But I did ace the test.

They say your best years are in high school. You’re never going to be as happy and upbeat as you are in your teens. Like a Bryan Adams song, those summer nights seemed to last forever. You have a million friends and are always hanging out and doing something.

I remember when we first got our driver licenses, and gas was cheap, we had a blast just driving around the city and eating McDonalds. Not so much anymore. By the way my American fans, if you think your gas is expensive then try filling it up here. I know people who cross the border just to fill up and buy cheap cigarettes and beer at the duty free shop.

We were crazy as teens. We used to get wasted every weekend. Part of the fun of underage drinking was that it was underage drinking. Again me and the guys would walk all over town and have those drunk conversations. And I remember trying to sneak inside my house all drunk and try to not wake up my parents.  And then I had those lucid drunk dreams. Now it has been years since I got as wasted as I did in my teens.

My first year in university was awesome. You’re never going to be as good looking as you are in college. Apparently I used to be hot and I didn’t know it. Not so much anymore.  

I have already written about college and bar hopping a while ago so I will keep it short. First year classes are a joke and mine didn’t start until noon. My parents gave me a lot of money for anything I might need. And I needed beer and pot. In fact I was smoking weed almost every night and selling it. I was also doing shrooms all of the time and I was the only one who sold them in my hallway.

As you get older you start hanging out with a different crowd. Most of my high school and college friends are either out of town or have families. The only time we really hang out is at the bar on cheap wing night. We will have a few beers and share some jokes. The waiters are hot. Good thing there are no annoying dude waiters.

I usually get two orders of wings, one for me and one for my dad at home. I get kanji because even mild is too hot for me and it’s messy. I also wondered if it’s freezing outside if hot peppers will warm you up. So I did a test. I was sweating but I was still cold.

I do remember we ordered a big plate of nachos at the bar. They gave us a big bowl of hot peppers and my friends dared me to eat them. They all agreed to pay me $20 each to eat all of them. That’s a lot of money for me, so I did. The trick is to swallow them whole and not chew them. Still my mouth was on fire for an hour and the beer and water didn’t help.

I do more on weekdays than on the weekend. Usually on the weekend all my friends do is play Call of Duty. I tried a couple of times but I kept getting killed without even seeing the fucker. I didn’t know what I was doing. I still prefer Golden Eye, it’s much simpler. I miss playing videogames with the guys in person. Like playing such multi player games as Mario Kart, Mario Party, Mario, Tennis, Mario Strikers and hockey.

I hang out with my hockey buddies, including my dad who is on my team, at the bar after our games. So my dad pays for my beers. Again we have a few drinks and some food. Like complementary nachos. Too bad it sucks and there is not enough cheese. And too bad I can’t smoke weed in the parking lot with them because of my dad. He would stop giving me my allowance if he knew I spend it on weed.

Funny story, after the game I put my bag on top of my dad’s bag in the trunk of the SUV. I forgot to close it because I thought my dad would just press the button. We are halfway home when my dad notices the trunk indicator light up. He stops and my bag is missing. I’m freaking out and my dad is fucking pissed.

This could be bad because for all I know it could be in the middle of the fucking highway and cause a huge accident. He’s yelling at me and telling me that if we can’t find it I’m not playing hockey anymore.

I go out on foot and my dad retraces our steps. Luckily it fell out on the road near the arena and someone put it on the side walk. We find out later that my teammate found it and he was the one who put it on the sidewalk for us. This is where my mom would say thank the good Lord. But mom, why would God just not let my bag fall out in the first place?

I also sometimes hang out with my poker buddies. We usually play Texas holdem at my buddy Chewy’s place. The blinds are only like 20 and 40 cents but the pots can get pretty big. I’m very patient and I only play when I have good hands. I usually play one out of five hands and can make a few bucks that can I buy me a dozen beers and some pizza.

The funny thing is that we are all stoners. Chewy even had three pot plants in his backyard that I estimate to be worth several grand. Well he and his girlfriend were out of town and when they came back someone stole them. So he’s thinking it must have been someone they knew.

And my mom has become quite the health nazi. She doesn’t want me to lose anymore weight and yet she doesn’t want me to eat fatty food. Now she buys whole wheat bread and margarine. Margarine on popcorn is gross and although popcorn is butter flavor it needs more butter. And she always wants colorful meals. What I mean is she will be like we have corn, potatoes and chicken. They’re all yellow; this meal needs more colors so I will add brussels sprouts.

Look my goal in life isn’t to live as long as possible. I rather live fast and die young. Do you really want to live to a 100 yrs in some “retirement community?” Being old must suck. I don’t want to use a stroller, have dentures and worry about breaking a hip if I fall.

And I don’t want to be surrounded by death and find out all of my buddies are dead. My memory is already horrible as it is, I don’t want to have to keep asking where my family is. And the nurses steal my money.

But if I did have Alzheimer’s I’d write a note about an awesome movie I watched saying I should watch it. So it will be like watching the Sixth Sense for the first time and getting blown away by the twist ending each time. So I want lots of butter on my popcorn and I want to drink as much beer as I like.

But what does the future hold for me? As of now I am a reverse retiree. I got it all figured out. I don’t work now, but I will work when I’m 60. So I will enjoy younger adult years doing pretty much whatever I feel like. Like right now I feel like smoking a bowl, eat icecream and play Zelda.

My Fifth Top Ten Rap Songs

10. Jay Z, Amil, Ja Rule: Can I Get A Fuck You

9.  Choclair: Rubbin

               

8.  OPP: Naughty by Nature

7.  Eminem: Criminal

6.  Dayton Family: Outlaws

5.  The Game, 50 Cent: Hate It Or Love It

4.  Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, Nate Dogg: Next Episode

3.  Method Man: Judgment Day

2.  Eminem, 50 Cent, Cashis, Lloyds banks: You Don’t Know

1. Sugarhill Gang: Rappers Delight

Taking the Bible Literally

Back in the day, the Bible was a way of explaining things. Only the writers did a piss poor job. For example they try to explain how the Earth was created. There are zillions of stars and other planets that were made in a single day. Only now we know that there is a massive universe out there and our world is an insignificant spec of dust. And there has to be other life forms somewhere out there.

I always hear “oh this part of the bible is not to be taken literally” when it is realized that it could never have happened or is impossible. So I guess people think this part is supposed to be a moral lesson or moral compass. What is the moral lesson of the Earth being made in six days and on the seventh day we can’t shop at Wal-Mart or mow the lawn?

And I don’t know what constitute work that you can’t do on the Sabbath. Is washing the dishes or fixing a leak work? I hope the good people at McDonalds that make my delicious Big Macs don’t go to Hell because it’s a Sunday. Hmm, Big Macs.

But how are we supposed to interpret the bible and know what is to be taken literally and what is taken as fact? It seems that these parts are true until proven absurd by science. Like creationism. You can’t just pick and choose what you want to be taken literally or figuratively. “Oh Adam and Eve never happened, but Revelations; that’s real.”

I love how every generation thinks they will witness the end of the world. And they keep on their tipping toes. The thing is there are always wars through history and there are always people who think it will be this will be the end all of human existence.

By the way, what exactly happens in the apocalypse? Does God just destroy everything except Heaven and Hell? On the other hand it only took Him like six days to create the Universe. It took longer for the guys to put up our fence. I’m sure He can create a new one if He felt like it.

A lot of Christians haven’t even read the damn Bible. Or not very much of it. The bible is like a guide to life; you’d think it would be important to know a little about it and know the rules. I bet they think they have the gist. “Oh well there are the Ten Commandments, Jonah hanging out inside a whale and Jesus walking on water and you know...”

But you can’t just go around thinking you have the gist. That’s like saying I can fly an airplane because I have the gist. “Our pilots are dead! Does anyone know how to fly a plane?” “I can. I know the gist. Hmm, okay there’s the landing gear, the throttle and the gage. Right.”

If people never have read the Bible, they don’t realize how much insane and evil shit there is in it. Take slavery for example. It’s in there. Or how about Abraham about to kill his own son for God. What kind of evil God would test someone like that? That’s like God telling me to bomb a daycare center and just as I am about to light the fuse some angel stops me. If I had a son, I’d tell God to fuck off and send me to Hell.

And people don’t realize how much is not in the bible. Take Heaven for example. As far as I know the Bible authors have never really wrote much about the afterlife and what it is like. You’d think it’s important to know, and that they would give at least a little description. And the Pope isn’t in there either.

I think everyone can agree that Noah’s Arc never happened. If you think it did happen, then you’re stupid. There is no way someone could travel to the four corners of the world, capture two of every animal and bring them back to his massive arc that he built in a few weeks. And you’d have to keep them separated so they don’t kill each other and feed them for a whole month.

Never happened. So the story of Noah’s arc isn’t to be taken literally. Then why is it in the bible in the first place? There are no moral lessons or reasons for it. Except maybe that God is a vengeful and evil asshole that drowns little children.

Anyway I’m going to jerk off and watch the Golden Girls. Haha not literally.

Swiss Family Robinson

The Swiss Cheesy Family Robinson

I was feeling nostalgic the other day and for whatever dumb reason I decided to watch the Swiss Family Robinson on Youtube. I loved it as a kid. The movie is actually an adaptation of a novel about a family, the Swiss Family that is, that are marooned on an island.

The family is aboard a ship headed to New Guinea but the ship was chased into the storm by pirates. The crew abandoned the ship leaving the family in the haul. At this point my mom would say why didn’t they just let them out? Then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

The parents are John and Dorothy. They have three sons. Fritz is the oldest and toughest. Ernst is the bookworm. Francis is the annoying kid with a high pitch voice. I honestly wish Francis would get killed by the pirates. He’s worse than a young Anakin Skywalker. Every word he says brings pain in my ears. And Roberta is the hot chick that the two older brothers fight over

So the ship is shipwrecked on some rocks. The family salvage as much as possible from the ship and bring it back to an ideal location of their new home. Including an organ. They never really explained how they carried an organ but whatever.

This is where I call the bullshit police because in a matter of days three men and an annoying kid built this modern home on some trees. They even have a goddamn fridge and running water. Seriously I bet in real life all they would have are some shitty huts.

Back in the day me, my brother and the gang actually built a tree house in the forest near the nature pathway. This thing was dangerous. It had nails sticking out and the wood and ladder was very sketchy. We borrowed our parents’ nails and wood. By the way saying borrowed is much better than saying taking. For example when I need beer money I ask my dad if could borrow ten dollars instead of take ten dollars.

Anyway Fritz and Ernst are checking out the island and come across some pirates. The pirates are holding a sea captain and his son Bertie captive. While the pirates turn their back Fritz and Ernst untie Bertie but don’t have time to free the captain.

So the gang is lost and they’re making their way back. Eventually they must cross a river and Bertie refuses. Surprise, surprise Bertie is actually a girl named Roberta. They must be really stupid not to figure out that a kid with short hair and a hat is actually a girl. Just how when I found out that someone at the bar with long hair and fake tits was actually a man.

It reminds in high school of this student Celine that we couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl. I was leaning towards a girl. I finally found out that she was a girl because she was holding flowers in our grad photos.

So right off the bat Fritz and Ernst are hitting on her. They must be pretty horny not having sex or finding an opportunity to jerk off in months. They make their way to their modern tree fort home on Christmas. Too bad their presents suck, but at least they don’t have to go to church.

Fritz and Ernst continue to hit on Roberta and she’s leading them both on. So they have a real fist fight over her. I’d think Fritz would kick Ernst’s ass, but Ernst throws in some good punches. All the meanwhile Francis watches and instead of stopping them he wants them to beat the shit out of each other. They also take on a fake ass snake.

So the family prepares for a possible pirate attack and make a fort on top of a cliff. They make some booty traps such as some logs and boulders. Francis actually caught a tiger in a pit. They made coconut bombs out of gun powder and Francis almost blows his arms off when he lights one. I wish he did. Fritz then teaches Roberta how to fire a rifle. Score. She already knew how to fire one.

So the family is having a fucking blast by riding different animals in a race. What craziness. Too bad when they start the race dumbass fires a gun that alerts the pirates. Roberta goes off track and sees the pirates. So the family takes cover in the fort above the cliff.

This was my favorite part as a kid when they fight off the pirates. It’s pretty violent when you think of it. They actually throw coconut bombs, release logs and boulders. And they fire muskets at them. In real life they would be slaughtering the pirates and you’d see a lot of bloodshed and dead bodies.

Just as soon as they run out of ammo and the pirates are about to viciously massacre the family, some ship begins firing at the pirate ship and the pirates retreat. How convenient. And being so close, the pirates could at least finish them off. But no.

Anyway it was Roberta’s father, the captain, that saved their lives. Ernst chose to sail away with them to the homeland and attend university. The rest of the family decides to stay on the island and start a new colony. Fritz finally hooks up with Roberta. I bet they built another addition to their home so they can have sex in peace. I also hope they have a working toilet and not just a hole. I want to know what is stopping the pirates to returning and getting their revenge. “We need more coconut bombs!”

Top Ten Hottest Chicks

This one’s for the boys. Here’s a list of what I think are the top 10 hottest women

10. Alyson Hannigan: I totally think she’s the cutest chick in American Pie.

                       

9.  Milla Jovovich: After all of these years she’s still smoking hot.

8.  Jennifer Connelly: I’ve seen her tits and her bush in three different movies!

7.  Kristen Stewart: I little too young for me, but she’s a hot vampire.

6.  Rihanna: I love her with red hair, and I’d kick Chris Brown’s sorry ass.

5.  Heather Graham: She is eye candy in a lot of great movies.

4.  Katie Perry: She has a sweet body and I actually enjoy her music videos.

3.  Jessica Alba: I just think she’s incredibly hot.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt: She’s the only reason I watched Party of Five.

1. Sara Jessica Parker: I would love to have sex with her in the city.

Jennifer Lopez, Pamela Anderson and Angelina Jolie didn’t make the cut because I don’t think they’re that hot as everyone makes them out to be