My 100th Blog!

Well this is it; the 100^th blog! Who knew I could write this many blogs. I am definitely losing steam though. I think I will have to focus more on writing about movies or current events.

It all started a long time ago in basement far far away. I finally got facebook a couple of years ago. Desperate for human contact I started off with these little paragraphs about stuff, like the Golden Girls. With so much time on my hands my writings soon evolved into these four comment boxes. I started bloging every day and took up people’s wall. Some liked them, some didn’t and I lost some friends. Of course I sill have all of my good friends and it doesn’t bother me if I don’t know what John Doe did that day. My friend Stics suggested I write a blogpage and not have to worry about editing them. And this gave birth to I Have Issues. Maybe I should have come up with a better name.

I had a blogpage almost a decade ago. It was called something like Re-retarded. It started off well but I eventually just got bored with it as did pretty much everyone else. But now I have all of the time in the world. I love laughing and love making people laugh. Am I funny? I hope so, that’s all I want to do. Of course I like my own style of humor. My first real blog was Get To Know Greg for all for those who don’t know me well. I love talking about dreams and wrote my second blog about them. Some of my personal classics are Looney Toons GIJOEs and Nicholas Cage.  Some blogs were messed up like the one about centaur’s family jewels. And some of the key word searches have been ass rammers and hung like a centaur.

How did I manage to pull off this blog with my inept writing skills? You have no idea how I am completely dependent on spell checker. Every other word is underlined. Spell check sometimes doesn’t have a clue what word I want like zercomfris. I’ve become so computer dependent that I can’t spell the word down syndrome. Is it down cindrum? Mom how do you spell the word down syndrome? Look it up? What is this a catch twenty two, how can I look it if I don’t know how the spell it? Why do you want to spell down syndrome? Oh never mind. And I can hardly write on a piece of paper. The only down fall is that most of my humor is how I say it and not what I say. I use to make the funniest speeches and people laughed because I such a goof.

So where is the future of I Have Issues? I hope to learn to make my own webpage. Nothing special; just some pictures and organization of my blogs. Why, because I just to try to make people laugh and see how many people will visit my webpage. I think I would get more hits on separate web page. It would be cool to have some ads, but I doubt that will ever happen. So tell your friends and spread the word of I Have Issues. And I’m taking requests if you can think of anything worthwhile that is funny or interesting. Anyway I’m having a huge bash at my parent’s basement. I have weed and timbits and rented Tomb Raider 3.

Science!

I just saw the Snow Birds flying over Canatara. It was fucking sweet.  I can’t believe how close they were when they were in formation. They were almost playing chicken. It was as if they wanted to crash in each other but narrowly escape. The problem was the sky was white and the sun was bright. So I kept losing them or thinking seagulls were them. The twisted side of me would love if the pilot ejects and you see the plane crashing into the water.

It reminded me about my grade 8 science project. Wait my dad’s science project. As all my Hogan friends know that my dad kept doing the projects for me because there is no way in hell I could pull it off alone. I wanted to see if I could grow a skittles tree by planting skittles in the ground. But my dad all excited already made up his mind. Now my dad is an engineer and smart person. He used to make model airplanes and fly them. So he built this contraption with a wind tunnel with weights and wings. However I did understand it and I was great in presenting it. But I felt really embarrassed and ashamed, I was a complete phony . In fact I don’t even think I could make a stupid volcano that squirts out salsa.

So of course I won. Again. I went to the national science fair in Thunder Bay. We flew in a very small airplane which was scary for my first time. The cool part was that heading to the fair there were not many clouds and you see all everything from above. I went with this Chinese chick whose parents obviously did her project as well. She’s smart but it had to do with this cutting technology about skin cell research that she didn’t even have the resources to pull off. And she never really talked or hangout. And there was this genius nerd guy who actually did it himself. So we get there and I realize pretty much all of the projects were done by their parents too. There were a few other aerodynamic wind tunnel experiments too. One I recall that won was this robot that went under water and used lasers and shit to track how many fish there are. Bullshit, who are you David Suzuki? The best part was that Bill Nye the Science Guy was at the science fair.

I Love Grass

I find the less I have to do the lazier I become. I used to juggle a job at Wal-Mart and high school. Now I’m so lazy I won’t go to the bathroom to piss because I don’t like getting up. But I eventually I cave in to Mother Nature and walk all twenty feet to the bathroom.

Just the other day I had to cut the lawn because my mom is painting the deck. And in a Cartman voice I say but mom, I want to play World of Warcraft. Greg you can play after. But mom, Gorak is almost at level 23. Okay I made the last part up.

So my mom started cutting it because there’s a fucking pipe sticking out of the ground. The city workers dug up a chunk of our lawn to fix some sewers. Which pissed off the whole neighborhood because for like two full days all night and day all you hear is construction. It was so loud I could barely listen to my Tina Turner CD. And so after some years our lawn sunk a bit and therefore is the pipe sticking out and I don’t want to get shrapnel in my leg. How else can I play dance dance revolution with an injured foot?

Anyway I was pissed, she said she cut around the edges but I couldn’t even tell the difference between the long grass and the cut grass. I mean why don’t you lower the wheels and I won’t have to get outside of the basement. and cut the grass every four days. Good thing we have a gas lawn mower. I know I would eventually cut the wire in an electric myself.

 It’s funny that when we first moved in to our new home our whole backyard was just grass. And I mean lawn grass or else that would be fucking awesome. Just like one of my favorite movies the Beach. And then we got a fence, a deck, a pool, a koi pond, a shed, bricks, pavement, plants and flowers. And now we don’t have a single blade of grass and I can’t build a snowman in the backyard anymore or have room to set up my tramboboline. Too bad we don’t have a riding lawn mower that would be fun.

Cutting the grass, delivering papers and shoveling driveways was the economy of kids. I use to cut lawns for this old lady for two years. I had to use her lawn mower which had a small bag and I had to empty it all the time. And I had to mow it diagonally and use the weed wackers around the edges for a full ten dollars, which to me at the time was worth it. Now I would just ask my parents for ten bucks so I can buy a Big Mac combo and rent a movie.

It’s sad that I still delivered papers until grade 11. But everyone thought I was younger. Unlike my predecessor and successor I actually delivered them on time and was very polite. The problem was that I should have spent it all instead of saving it up. I was that cheap that I couldn’t afford a Big Mac. I had to get a value burger.

Shoveling drive ways was where the big money is. I use to go all over the place and let the people decide how much. This was big risk. You can get ripped off or make more than you expected. Some old ladies never heard of inflation and would give you one buck in coins.

Aladdin

There is a new Goodwill store that has all of these VHS tapes. I ended up buying all of the classics like the Lion King or Aladdin. Or Bambi because I never seen it before. My brother gets pissed off because I still buy VHS movies but you can’t rent them anymore, they are cheap and I can’t tell the difference between VHS and DVD anyway. So I just got pretty burnt and watched Aladdin. What a good movie, I prefer classic animation over the computer animation.

Let the racism begin! I love how all of the merchants (damn good name) peddling their goods. We have fish. We have bread. We have heroine. The best part is when Jasmine almost gets her hand cut off for taking an apple. Imagine they did that here and now. Sir the beep went off at the gate let me see that. Hey you stole a battery. We don’t take that shit at Wall-mart! Code green, can I have an associate come down to the entrance and bring the axe?

Aladdin is the street rat with a heavenly voice. He doesn’t wear sandals or a T-shirt and has a vest and Mc Hammer parachute pants. And how does that gay hat not fall off with his acrobatic moves. Maybe he should get a job and not steal his food. Go on Arabian Idol and get a singing career or join Circus of Soleil

They have a great cast of characters. I love Apu. That would be awesome to have your own pet monkey that can sort of talk like Scooby Doo can sort of talk. Think of all of the great things you could do with him? They actually made a Simpson episode just like it.

Jasmine is a hotty for sure. I wish her little top with no apparent bra would just slip off. The Sultan is an idiot. Iago is the cool parrot that can talk. Too bad he is played by Gilbert Gottfried, the man with the most annoying voice. I feel bad for Iago when he gets pulled into the lamp. And Jafar is one ugly evil bastard. I would wish for a better appearance if I was Jafar the Freak. Imagine you come across Jafar’s lamp. He would be like; I’ll kill you if you don’t set me free. That be a scary.

The best line is when he gets trapped in the cave of wonders because of Jafar and he says that two face son of a jackal! I actually rewinded it like four times. It gets better each time you hear it. I know it is a children’s movie but I would say something a little more profane if I’m going to be buried alive. I would say something like you piece of shit mother fucking cunt ugly homo freak bastard! And if you pay attention closely Aladdin sounds like he says good teenagers take off their clothes when he is with Rajah

Now I love the magic carpet. But where is the realism? Aladdin and Jasmine fly all over the place as far as Egypt. But they are clearly going very slow. I mean it takes like four hours for a jet to fly that far. I would be cool though to have a carpet. I would be so fat because I wouldn’t walk anymore. I’d just fly around on Carppy. Sorry I spilt beer all over again on you Carppy. Let me use Mr. Clean to wash that off. And I got to dust you off again.

If I had a genie I would wish for a 100 wishes. But in Aladdin you can’t do that. So I would wish that I can wish for a 100 wishes. Checkmate. Of course Aladdin could just wish Genie free and then Genie could do whatever Aladdin would want to. What would you wish for? Obviously to be rich and can move out my parents basement. I wish for robotic legs for sure. And the power to enslave the human race! Muhahaha!

Get the Phone

Am I the only one who doesn’t have a cell phone? I see little kids with them now. I find no need for one. I’d use the pay phone or borrow someone else’s. I rather keep that forty dollars and go on a spending spree at the dollar store. And I rather play video games on my DS.

Remember rotary phones? Where it takes like two minutes to dial. Well we still have one laying around the house and I keep telling my mom to throw it out or I’m going to beat it with a hammer. It is completely useless. We also don’t have touch tone on some of our phones. So whenever I get lonesome I can’t call a dating service or a hooker. And every time I call my dad at work I have to use the operator. Yes I know his extension. And we still don’t have call display.

Remember Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell? He had liked the first portable phone and it was huge. Wait guys I have to climb this mountain to get better reception. How do the new ones work anyhow? They are so small now and have this nano technology. Can they get even smaller? What’s next, a chip in your head so you can telepathically call someone else?

My mom finally got Magic Jack. It uses the internet or something and you have unlimited calls anywhere. Now she’s on the phone with her friends or relatives constantly for an hour each time. Mom I need the phone right now; Pizza Hut closes in ten minutes and I want delivery. Yes I will use my own money. Or my dad needs the computer. In fact he bought an Ipad for my mom for that reason and she didn’t want it. Funny side story, I recall doing this a couple of times; I answer the phone for my dad and I accidentally hang the phone up and get him. And then he asks twenty questions. What do they want? Um, to talk to you. Who did it sound like? A person. Fine I guess the will call back.

I always wanted to put George Costanza on my answering machine if I had one. Believe it or not Greg isn’t at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone, where could I be? Believe it or not, I’m not home.

Then you get telemarketers. I thought that was banned in Canada?  I’m in the middle of World of Warcraft and the phone rings. I can’t pause and I finally get to the phone and it’s some dude asking about toilets. Sometimes I don’t know if it is important or not. You get a call about your finance or bank and I think it’s legit. So I have to go through the house for my dad or the back yard for nothing. Not to be racist but if he sounds East Indian, he’s a telemarketer. I hope they hate their jobs, but to be fair that’s probably the only job they could get. Remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry gets a telemarketer and basically says; hey, I can't talk right now but can I call you at home later. Yeah, just give me you number and I'll give you a call. Oh, so you don't like people calling you at home? Well, now you know how I feel...

Hackey Parents

I hate those hockey parents who get way too involved in their kids games. It’s like they try to live through their children. Look this isn’t the Stanley Cup its pee wee hockey. Let these kids enjoy it. I’m pretty sure they won’t make it to the NHL or even OHL. I always feel sorry the referees. No matter how well they do someone is going to get pissed off at them. The fans say the same unoriginal lines. Hey ref get laser eye corrected surgery or where did you learn to ref at the Sahara dessert? Hey douche, you try refereeing. I was watching a game before my game and there were these incredibly obnoxious parents yelling at the ref the whole time. For example some player way out of the play hits another player for no reason. And the parents are yelling at the ref because he got a penalty. I’m sure if it was the other way around they get pissed off because the other player didn’t get a penalty. It’s like some player uses a taser and the parents are like what, what, what was that penalty for? Come on ref!

Destiny

I took philosophy 101 at Western University and fell in love with it. Sure it’s absolutely useless degree to pursue but it’s where I shine. I actually wrote an essay about the Matrix for an assignment about appearance versus reality. My TA loved it because it was funny and stood out. You see TA’s always see the same regurgitated essays and arguments like how do we know what yellow is? Too bad my computer crashed and I lost all of my essays.

Do you think we have free will or is it just an illusion? I don’t for several reasons. But I’ll narrow it down to three main arguments and try my best to make them funny or interesting.

First here is a silly analogy about World of Warcraft. How much are you the person the result of genetics? In Wow we have all of these choices, which make the game so interesting.  Right off the bat we choose which race we want and what characteristics. I chose a night elf hunter named Gorak with plus fifty stamina and twenty arcane resistances. And I caught a pet boar which I named Pumba. Nothing is carved in stone and you choose and change your abilities any time

But this is the real world called Life. You’re born without consent to parents you never chose and your basic personality and physical makeup is predecided. It’s like saying I have to buy Wow from Future Shop and I have to be a gnome farmer the rest of the game. Sure I could workout but I’m never going to be Chuck Norris no matter how hard I try. And I’m pretty sure most homosexuals or transgender people didn’t choose their sexual orientation, which is a huge thing in life. I never chose to like boobs, I just do.

I believe the mind is a product of our brain because I don’t think we could function without it. Our mind is the maker of choices. But if you know anything about psychology you know your thoughts are the interaction of millions of nerve cells. The thing is that we don’t really choose what we are thinking. It’s like trying to think who the kid from Who’s the Boss is but can’t think of it. Have you ever blacked out and don’t remember saying or doing anything?  Dude I can’t believe I had sex with a pig. And if you smoke weed you know instantly that your perception of the world is changed. You can’t get that perception on your own.

This is my main argument using evolution. Do animals have free will? How about a dog or an ant or single cell bacteria? My point is where along the evolutionary chain does an animal get free will? Because we didn’t just go straight from an ape to a human. It was gradual. Its like saying a retarded person doesn’t have free will. And you can’t have a little free will can you? Do you like this blog, it’s up to you.

XXX-Men

I love the X-Men. Some of my favorites are Cyclops, Storm, Wolverine, Mystic, Professor X, Grass Man and Night Crawler.

I would never want to be Cyclops or even near him. I don’t know how his eye lasers work. In his true identity he wears some kickass UV ray sun glasses. But how does he put them on? Does he sleep with them on or does he close his eyes and leave them on the night stand. I mean what happens if Magneto is attacking and he wakes up and accidentally cut off his own legs and burn a hole through the roof. And what happens if his glasses fall off in public? Oh shit I did it again. Or maybe I’m reading way way too much into this.

I think Strom would do the world much better by making it rain in places with drought rather than fight crime. I always wondered if she could stop storms or tornados? It would be fun to mess with the weather station and fuck up their forecast. This is Doppler 1700 and we have another bright sunny day, 25 Celsius and now its snowing all of a sudden. That bitch! Just don’t bother her when she’s on her period. She’d strike you with lightning in a second.

Wolverine is one of the most popular heroes and he hales from Canada. It must be pretty graphic though if he used his adamantium claws on bad guys. It’s the same deal in Phantom Menace when the Jedi use their light sabers. Imagine it was real people they were fighting and not robots. It would be rated Z. I wish I’d have healing powers and all sorts of things without worrying about skinned knees or hang nails or an axe in my head.

Mystic has the coolest powers. If I could have any powers, I would be a shape shifter. Think of all the fun things you could do. First I’d change into the George Clooney and get all of the ladies. I would not have to work out anymore I’d just morph into some ripped dude with a six pack. Then I would order pizza every hour and at the end of the day simply change back into a slimmer me. The coolest part is that you could turn into other heroes and villains. Like you could turn into Angel and fly. Or turn into Juggernaut and trash the place. Or do the whole I’m the real Wolverine he’s the imposter.

Professor X is of course the bald guy in the wheel chair with telepathy and mind control powers and the dean at X-Men Academy. With his psychic abilities he’s a huge narc and knows if you are cheating, plagiarizing or using illegal substances. Me on the other hand would use the powers of mind control and enslave an army of servant to do my biddings. Bring me a wrench and some Big Macs.  I don’t know if I’d want to hear people’s thoughts. Sure it be fun to know what people are really thinking, but it would be like people are speaking their mind and could be making fun of you. God Greg is such a pothead loser; he should get a job and a life.

Then there is Grass Man. His alter ego is Gregera. He protects the people of Sarnia and lives in the Cannabis Cave. Or his parents basement. He has the power of marijuana. He can attack with his smoke rings and temporarily blind people. He has the power to get the villains really really high to distract and incapacitate them. With the pain reliever powers he can get baked and withstand pain. His paranoia allows him to read minds. And can vanish in a cloud of smoke. He wears green spandexes with obviously a pot leaf as his symbol, sandals and a Rastafarian hat. His weaknesses are only being shot, stabbed, kryptonite, drowning, suffocating and falling.

Night Crawler is the funny blue mutant who can teleport pretty much anywhere. But he has to see his destination so he doesn’t teleport into a fire hydrant. He is very religious and would be my mom’s favorite hero if she had one. Good thing he is on the good side because there are so many bad things you could do. Like teleporting into a bank vault or the beginning of the line for Space Mountain at Disney world.

N64

Did ever notice how much we had with the Nintendo 64? It was the first system to have four split screens. Some of my favorite games are Zelda Orcina of Time, Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Mario Tennis, Doctor Mario, Micro Machines, Star Fox and Golden Eye. Here are some of my favorite N64 games.

Mario Kart is still my all time favorite game. It makes me smile, especially moo moo farm. The best level has to be Koopa Beach and my favorite driver is Toad. Only Yoshi and Toad could jump into the cave without an item. I would love to eat Toad and get really really stoned. It took a while for us to realize that last place gets better items. It was like Chris you so good at picking items. My favorite items are the bananas, turtle shells, napalm and land mines.

Star Fox had the funniest lines ever. I've been waiting for you, Star Fox. You know that I control the galaxy. It's foolish to come against me. You will die just like your father. Or I'm no match for you. I admit defeat. If this does not work! Was Slippy a guy frog because he sounds like Michael Jackson. I’m hit, I’m going down, tell me wife I love her. Ahhh. I was never good at pressing buttons quickly so I used my fake controller with auto fire which it was only good for. Speaking of which I wasted so much money on cheap controllers instead of Nintendo brand ones. Multi player was awesome. Of course we all picked on Stickley to get points.

Golden Eye was my life for five months. It was ground breaking; you had missions, sweet weapons and tons of options. It had realistic damage and I think it was the first to have head shots. The weapons were great, especially the proximity mines and rocket launchers. Multi player is awesome. Complex, proximity mines right now! There is an eagle nest we called the house. We had what we refer to as the divider. It was a piece of cardboard that we would place in the middle of the television so you can’t see the other team. Wow were we nerds. And I’m probably still one. But a cool nerd.

Beachin

When people meet me they might think I’m intelligent… until I open my mouth and something stupid like can beavers and moles do it and have kids? Just a day ago I was playing poker and said this has been a cold summer. One of the girls replied that it’s actually the first day of summer. I felt stupid. I thought it started earlier.

But wow we are finally getting hot weather. It’s time take off the T-shirt, show the six pack and strut for the ladies. I’ve heard a lot of people have been hitting the beach. Thank the inventor of bikinis. I love when the girls are getting tans and can’t see you checking them out. Me, I’m naturally tanned. But for poor Stics the sun is his worse enemy.

The cool thing about our beaches is that its fresh water and we don’t have to worry about giant teeth monsters. The life guard is yelling at kids; hey we think we have spotted a large mouth bass! Everyone out of the water now! However I do love the white sand at Florida. Our sand is brown and there are tons of rocks; very irritating.

As a child I loved playing in the sand; making sand castles or digging for water. I hated getting buried. I have claustrophobia, among others like altophobia (fear of heights) Ablutophobia (fear of bathing) and Omphalophobia (belly buttons). We used to swim out really far and my mom would lose it. Kids come back you’ll drown!

I love going to the beach on windy days for the waves. Or we would go for river runs, starting at the treatment plant and getting out at the bridge. Loads of fun but scary for someone who still doggy paddles. I was freaking out like crazy one day and was drifting farther and farther from the shore. Was I tired. And in Canada we’re men, we can handle the cold water. Funny I was in Florida and me and two other people were in the ocean. We got chatting and I find out they are from Canada too.

Watch Out, I Mean Fore

I love golf. I play with my dad all the time. Although my brother has a wicked slap shot, he can barely hit the ball. And my mom refuses to play. It’s good to bond with my dad because we always watch television in different rooms. I’m watching Golden Girls and he’s watching Two and Three Quarter Men.

I got lessons and wow did they make a difference. I definitely recommend them. Its one of those games where the better you are the funner it is. I usually do two or three jager shots before I play, it helps me relax and I’m alcoholic.

I was really terrible at golf as a kid. I think I could putt further than drive it. Or even throw further despite not being able to throw it. And I use to do the whole six putts because instead of putting closer I keep putting way over the asshole. So I always loved par threes. Way easier to get to the green.

You can’t kill it, it never works. You have to swing like a pendulum if you will. I pretty much only use a putter, wedge, 3 wood and 6 iron. Makes the bag lighter. They should make a 18 wedge where you can hit straight in the air. That would be fun. I take way too long to swing. I have to jiggle my ass and take five practice swings. And I make huge divits. My dad needs complete silence. Greg you are making a shadow. Sorry. And I like honking horn when I drive by golf courses while people are swinging.

I don’t keep score. Unless you’re playing for money or bragging rights I don’t see the point. All you do is write down a number on a piece of paper you’re going to throw away. I focus on each individual hole and try to get a par and not worry if I took 8 swings on another hole. My dad asks me what got and I’ll be like give me a boogey? When it really is a triple boogey.

Whenever we use the cart there are always four old people or complete amateurs ahead of us and they don’t let you us through. Once there was a long lineup and nobody was moving. And these douche bags hit it while we were still on. My dad lost it on them. They won’t do that again.

I always buy cheap used balls. Especially when I have to hit it over a pond. And I don’t have to worry about finding them in the woods or the edge of water. My dad uses Ultra Mega Titleist with heat seeking lock on flag technology and spends like ten minutes trying to find one he lost. My rule is that there is no water penalty because you already lost your ball. And I always forget and leave my wedge by the last green all of the time.

I hate sand traps. I spend more time in the sand than David Hassle Hoff. Hahahahahahah, Hoff, hahahaha Baywatch. Hahaha Zing! I love animals but I wished I could zap those annoying geese with my ray gun. They never move. I have almost hit like four people now. Including myself when I hit a tree and it ricocheted back at my head. And one time I yelled watch out! Instead of fore!

The alligator story is one of my favorites. My uncle said there used to be one in the pond near our trailer. But they took the gator away. The sign actually said don’t molest them. I have no idea what that means. Are people fondling the alligator down his special place? So we get up to this course and I notice another warning sign about alligators and snakes and thought nothing of it.  So my dad hits his ball near the edge of a pond and calls me over. Well like 50 feet away was this Peter Pan size gator looking right at me. I just slowly back off while my dad is laughing. I’ve seen them before in Bush Gardens but it’s a lot scarier with out the protective glass. I almost wet my pants and have numerous nightmares now because of this traumatic experience. So whenever I hit my ball near water, I’ll just drop it here. Good things the most dangerous wildlife are geese and frogs in Canada. Hey man, there are fucking ducks in that pond; they will eat you like bread.

Hakuna Matata

I got a VHS copy of the Lion King from the Good Will. It costs 1.99 dollars because there is no tax there.  I said this before but why don’t they just round it up the 2 dollars and save all this hassle of getting a penny. There not fooling anyone.

What a good movie to watch when you’re stoned. I love to see the old animation and not necessarily the computer animation. But I have some quarks. First off you see tons of female lions but only two Male lions; Scar and Muffasa. You don’t see any other male lions. I mean there should be Muffasa cousin Prince Ted. There had to be more male lions or else Nala is actually Simba’s half sister. Which is okay in Kentucky but not in anywhere else. So Muffasa must be getting all of this poontang and Scar gets sloppy seconds. And there is no other male lion to take Scarface down except for runaway pussy Simba.

How come the wilderbeasts can’t talk? All of the other animals can talk. You got the lions, the hyenas, Zazu, Pumba, Tomone, the monkey, a mole and I’m sure others. I mean the wilderbeasts could have just told the hyenas to fuck off. And Simba could just as easily tell them to watch where they’re fucking going. It would be funny if they showed some lion take down an antelope and eat him alive. Hey stop eating me that hurts.

Why are all of the villains in Disney movies ugly? Even the villain in Hunchback is scary while Quasimodo is not that bad looking really. So how rude is it to call Scar Scar. Hey I got a huge cut in my fucking face. I almost lost my eye. I’m a little self conscience about it and all you do is keep calling me Scar. My name is Kyle for the last time!

Underage Drinking

I don’t understand how in the States you can enlist in the army or star in a hardcore porn video before you can legally drink. I guess you are not responsible enough to get drunk until you’re 21, but hey you’re 18 here is a fucking gun you have the power of killing someone. Or go ahead and star in a hardcore porn video and get hepatitis A through F. What’s the worst that could happen for younger kids to drink? Enlist in the army or star in a porn? And its not like you are preventing under age drinking. We all have older siblings or bad fake IDs. McLovin? On a side note the drinking age in Canada is 19, or 18 for our annoying French province Quebec.

Tipsy

If you recall the beginning of Reservoir Dogs the character played with Steve Bu, Bushma, Buscemi the crazy looking guy made a point about tips. Where do we draw the line? I understand waiters or bar tenders depend on their tips. But now I notice some ice-cream stores and fry trucks have tip cups. I’ve even went through drive through at Bugger King and they had a tip cup (I’m sure the manager didn’t know).

I have nothing wrong with giving tips at bars or restaurants. It is a sad fact of life that hotter waitresses get better tips. It’s the only reason why men go to Hooters. It’s overpriced and the food sucks but we guys love looking at boobs without feeling totally creepy. And when you’re really drunk you definitely leave better tips.

Of course I was wasted almost walked out of bar without paying. Good thing I’m a regular and know one the waitresses. I later wondered if I’d have to clean their dishes to work off my dept.  And I hate getting male waiters at bars. Hey fellas my name is Rick what kind of drinks can I get ya?

Commission is even worse. They are like vultures, everyone hounding you and competing for their commission. It doesn’t even work. It makes the shopper uncomfortable and stressful for the employees. Imagine they had commission at Wal-Mart. That would be hell.

Cheat Codes

I hate cheat codes for video games; it takes away from the challenge and fun. The only way I would use a code is if the game is humanly impossible like the Contra. Video game trivia; what is the password you use to unlock 30 lives at the beginning. It’s up up down down left right left right B A start. The other way I use codes is if it unlocks a cool feature.

Imagine someone leaked cheat codes for World of Warcraft. It would destroy the game completely. The majority of people would use the codes to get to level 70. They’d mess around it but eventually get bored a couple of hours later. And those people who don’t cheat would get frustrated by getting killed by all of the invincible players. If people found a way to get free gold there be no point in killing monsters, they’d buy the most expensive weapon and armor.

Now people make fun of me because I spend most of my days in my dark room only to leave the house for some Big Macs. But it makes me happy. I watch movies and television at the same time. But the whole experience of leveling up is fun because you get stronger and better items. If there were cheats than there would be no point of playing.

Another example is Golden Eye for the Nintendo 64, my all time favorite first person shooter. It was my life for six months. I know they had game shark codes that give you invincibility. Where would the fun be there? You’d walk around shooting people without taking cover like you’re fucking Scar Face on coke It might as well turn the game on and it says you win.

I Won the Lottery!

I got some lottery tickets from my brother for my birthday. Sweet I made ten bucks from a bingo lottery ticket. But I think in terms of beer. For example when I was working at Wal-Mart I made seven beers of lucky per hour. So basically I won a six pack of Molson Canadian.

I told him I’d split the money with him if I won big time. But I heard of some crazy stories people go through to keep it all for themselves. In a way I’m like C3P0 in that I never good at telling stories. I’m not sure of the full details but I heard that his wife didn’t know he won and he waited until she croaked to get it all. And I also heard that some idiot didn’t claim his prizes; I not sure what they do with the money?

I’ve seen this show called winning the lottery has changed my life. One dude won almost the highest winnings ever. It was like 200 million. At first he said it was amazing, but that went away. His wife left him, people are always hounding him for money and he became an alcoholic.

What would you do if you won the lottery? First I would move out of my parent’s basement and build my dream home. The backyard would have a pool; hot tub and my own basketball slash hockey court. Inside I would have a huge kitchen, my own theater with massaging chairs and a massive party basement with everything from three 100 inch televisions, ping pong, foosball, pool tables and my own bar. And urinal with a bulls eye so my friends don’t piss all over the toilet when they are hammered. I would have a custom built Mystery Wagon, the original Batmobile and a Delorean with flux capacitor.

I would definitely share my winnings with my immediate family and my closest friends. That’s it because where do you draw the line? Of course I’d bring my relatives, especially Aunt Margaret, on cruises and vacations. And I’m always paying at the bar. I would definitely bring my friends along to Vegas often, give each friend 5000 and play some Texas Holdem poker. I would drink tons of beer every night. And I’d hire a lackey to bring me Big Macs and Chicken Mc Nuggets any hour of the day. The best part is that I don’t have to work and can play video games all day. Hmm wait a second.

The Man of Steel

I was never a big fan of Super Man. I always thought he had too many powers, and they weren’t even clever or interesting. He’s got super strength, super speed, invulnerability and flight. With his speed he doesn’t need a car. But good thing he is invincible because he could slip on a banana going at high speeds and skin his knees. I mean how can he see anything by going 10000 km per hour? With super strength he loves to play baseball and kill anyone in the way of the ball. He has x-ray vision and often uses it in Small Ville because they can’t afford an x-ray machine. And he likes looking at tits. He has super hearing and likes to ease drop on chick’s conversations at bars. He has freezing breath which he gets from super trident gum.

The man has his true identity Clark Kent and works at the Daily Planet. Are these people fucking retarded? You know Clark, if I didn’t know any better I swear you look like Superman without those glasses. Really? I never even heard of that before. His lover is Louis Lame. But he has some girl friends on the side and with his powers he never gets caught cheating. By now with everyone having a cell phone he has to find other ways to get his costume on. I hear he changes behind a Mc Donald’s dumpster now.

Lex Luther is the super genius villain out to kill Superman. If he is so rich why doesn’t he get hair club for men or wear a hat? And as far as I know, Superman is only vulnerable to green kryptonite. For fuck sakes make a kryptonite heat seeking missile and finish him off.

There are more super characters including Super Slut who uses her hot body to stun and apprehend bad guys. She has super strength and gets very dangerous when it’s her period. And no normal man could handle her. And then there is Kyropto the dog. Yes, a fucking super hero dog. Does he do super tricks or something?

Wal-Mart Is Taking Over the World.

Do you remember when I had a real job and at the same time go to school?  First I had an interview. I went an hour early, so I wouldn’t be late. Was I nervous? So she asked questions and asked about my weaknesses and I said doing interviews. Zing. She laughs. And she asked about something I overcame and I told her my good old workout story. I said some really dumb things too. So I told her I’d work anywhere except female intimates.

So she put me in hardware for a person who knows nothing about tools or paint. My first day another “associate” gave me a vest. Bad idea because people kept asking me questions about where something is and I’d say it’s my first day. I said the same thing too for the next three days. I was so nervous the first time I was on the intercom because everyone in the store hears you.

I hated doing paint. I have fucked up numerous times. I tell all of my friends this story. I had a customer that asked for five cans of paint. Well for whatever dumb reason they switched our can closer thingy with a hammer. So I get chatting with her and forget it to put the last one on tight. Well my manager comes to me all pissed off because her trunk had paint all over it. I never asked what happened afterwards.

Speaking of managers, I had this nice lady until we moved locations. My new manager was hideous and had short ugly spiked hair. And she was always was always pissed off. Probably because nobody could love her.

You should see the security. Remember Scar Face? There were like 100 cameras. And we had codes for any type of emergency. I forget the colors, but I think code black was for a fire, code green for a spill and code Adam for a lost child. The real reason for the store greeters are too react any time those security gates beep. But you never accuse anyone for shoplifting. You say something like you forgot to demagnetize or pay for an item. Do you ever see that cardboard cutoff with a police and it says shoplifters will be prosecuted? I would love to steal that and put in my basement with all of my movies and video games.

All said and done I had a sweet job. I know people dying to get hired. All I did really was put items on the shelf (we had a special term but I forget) and helping out customers. Of course I knew as much as the customers and would read what the label says. Hardware is dead most of the time I spent a lot of time walking around and helping other departments. And the best part was there was a McDonalds inside the store. Sweet! I get hungry just thinking about it.

Then I went to collage for a few years. After I dropped out, for the first time, and I worked at RHM and Little Cesars and this one job for three hours. So I get hired again but this time at cash. It was so boring just standing there and saying hello and thanks a 100 times. I’m sure I forgot to demagnetize items or come up a dollar extra and have no clue what happen. So I finally quit and go back to college. Then I drop out; again. And here I am, 29 years old and still living in my parent’s basement trying to write a movie that will never happen.

Remember the Muppets?

Kermit the frog was the central character. Kermit never knew his parents. He was born along with a 100 other tadpole muppets. He is a badass guitar player. You should hear his guitar solo of Metallica’s Master of Muppets.

Miss Piggy is the aspiring actress but nobody likes a pig. She gots the hot for the frog, but I think she’d crush him when they get down and busy. Do you ever see Piggy in lingerie? She’s Hot!  She’s such as slut with her eight nipples. Imagine what their children would look like. But after continual spousal abuse, Kermit had a restraining order for the bitch because she keeps karate chopping him in the head.

Gonzo was my favorite muppet. I don’t know what exactly he is? An alien? He was quite the dare devil. He broke 16 bones jumping over a pool of muppet sharks. The doctors told him he would never walk again. But he had a lady friend Camilla; a chicken that he knocked up and gave her three muppet STDs.

Rowlf the dog is the penist. I don’t know kind of dog he is. But he got rabies and was put down after biting Jim Henson in the leg. They told the other muppets that he was sent to a farm where he could run free and chase muppet squirrels.

Fonzzy bear is the comedian muppet. Don’t worry he is more scared of you then you are of him. He dresses up as a hobo and uses purple mascara. He bombs all of the time at stand up. One time he lost it at the Apollo when these muppet hecklers said he was only good at the Muppet show and he called them all muppet jiggers. Wocka, wocka, wocka!

Rizzo is the rat muppet. His wife got killed by a mousetrap and he has never been the same since.  He contemplated ending his life by taking rat poison.

Statler and Waldorf are the old geezer critics. They’re old so they complain about everything.  Statler has Alzheimer’s and is always asking where his wife is. And Waldorf needs a new hip and kidney.

Beaker is the mad scientist who makes his own meth in a secret laboratory. And Dr. Bunsen is the scientist without eyes. Just some glasses.

The Swedish chef is the cook of muppets but can’t see through his bushy unibrow. He speaks gibberish but makes a damn good omelet out of Camilla’s eggs.

Janice is the hippy with lip collagen gone terrible wrong. I think they named after Janice Joplin because of her excessive drinking problem. She got so desperate for booze that she drank mouth wash.

Animal is the badass drummer. He was part of the Who but was replaced because he couldn’t shake his cough syrup addiction and kept eating his drums. His real name is Ted.

Sweetums is the freak of muppets. He’s Chewy’s ugly long last brother. I think he is the only muppet that has someone inside. Despite his hideous appearance his is beautiful in the inside and has a gentle soul.

Cribs

This is the basement where I live. My bar fridge here has cheap beer and nacho dip. This is my big screen television. Scratch that, my dad’s big screen television. We got Rogers. On this book shelf is where my dad stores his 300 plus movies. Including every James Bond or John Wayne movie in existence. I use the bottom row to store my favorite DVDs, most notably my Golden Girls collection.

And this is my badass guitar. With all of my time on my hands I figured to get lessons and become a rock god. Well I fooled around with it for a couple of hours and gave up.

Here is my basement bathroom. This is the toilet where I shit in. I want to get a urinal so I don’t piss all over the toilet when I’m drunk off a cheap beer.

Now I will show my bedroom. This is the bed where I sleep. That is it. Cough. My favorite posters are Yoda, Spiderman and Amy Weber; a very hot model. I want a walk in closet to put all my vast amount of clothes.

Here is the book shelf where I keep all of my VHS movies and hide my weed in a Pokemon VHS container because nobody will watch it. However my brother might find it throw it out and call me a fag. So why hide it? It’s not that my parents don’t know I have smoked weed. Everyone knows. But I tell them I quit and if they found out I still smoke weed and spend a big chunk of my allowance on it they will cut me off and I might need a job.

Now I will show you my most valuable things, my video games collection. Notice that some are still in the sealed wrapper because I don’t have time to play them all yet, even on my reverse retirement where all I do is cut the lawn and wash the dishes.

This is the kitchen where my mom makes me food. In the fridge is everything from yogurt to soya sauce. In the freezer are my hungry man microwave dinners. And this is the shelf where I keep my cereal. I go through them like crazy when I get the munchies.

This is my upstairs bathroom. This is the shower where one tenth of a millimeter is like a 1000 degrees difference. And my mom makes us finish the very last drop of toothpaste before we open a new one.

Now I will show you the cars. This is my Jaguar. Wait my dad’s Jaguar. He will never let me drive it. I think he loves it more than he loves me. Here is my mom’s Focus, very gas efficient. In the garage is the Fiero and I don’t think even works now? You could steal it with a screw driver. And finally this my dad’s SUV and is probably going to upgrade before we head to Florida. And this is my broken bike where I get hit by some stupid bitch.

Bored Games

Remember board games? They’re old school. That’s what we did until ultra realistic video games came along.

My favorite is Risk. You need at least four players for a decent game. I always go for Australia because it’s so easy to defend. I’m like the Swiss, I remain neutral, never attack except to get my cards and let the others kill each other off. The beginning is very hectic. I hate when someone else is going for the same territory. Hey I’m going for the mightiest nation in the World, Canada, so back off fucker. Screw you Canada is mine bitch. My friends don’t like my shaking hands because I always hit other pieces over. Greg you idiot look at the mess you made. It’s like a fucking earthquake hit our Risk board. Of course I use my Jedi powers when rolling the dice.

I love Win Lose or Draw. I haven’t played it in ages though. I kick ass! I’m good at drawing and guessing. Okay, let’s see, three words. Uuhh first word, chick, dyke, woman. Okay woman. Second word, mm, sex, uh fucking. Fucking. And butt, ass, oh donkey.

I was never able to actually play Mousetrap. It never actually worked. I got as far as the boot. In the movie Goonies they had this elaborate contraption on the lawn to open the gate. And Chuck had to do the truffle shuffle to get in. It was funny but really impractical every time the mailman comes. They should have got ATD Alarm System.  They should make one with actual mice and mousetraps. Oh poo my mouse got poisoned.

Then there is life. I never liked it. There is like no strategy involved. But it’s the chance for me to feel like a success, if just for an hour like a doctor or lawyer or Taco Bell late night assistant manager. They should make a game called Get A Life. Where you have realistic blue collar jobs like a construction worker, bus driver or me, a reverse retiree. You land on spots like you get caught for solicitating a transgender hooker, go back three spaces.

I am the worst Jenga player, on account of my shaky hands. It’s not even worth playing with me because I fuck it up right away. And I can barely set it up. So I choose which piece to take and let a friend actually do it for me.

Remember Hungry Hungry Hippos. When you try to eat all of these white ball food thingies. I loved that as toddler. They should make a new one called Hungry Hungry Obese People, where you have to eat all of these pies.

Stratego is my kind of game. And it’s named rightly so, there is a lot of strategy. I’ll try my best to describe it, it’s like Chess. You get a board and setup your pieces however you want. The goal is to capture the opponent’s flag. The pieces go in rank order so a higher rank can kill a lower one. The best part is that there are bombs which kill everyone except miner. My brother though broke part of the flag and Marshall on purpose so you know where they are. Which ruined the game. And again with my shaky hands I knock over the pieces.

Scrabble words is fun even for someone who has a vocabulary of a five year old. I played it on the internet and got screwed royally. They had all of these words I never even heard of, like “mu” and I’m like what the fuck is mu? And I ruin every game because I use small words that nobody can branch off. I like using names and swear words. Okay, lets see I have an F (3 pts) a U (8 pts) a C (2 pts) and a (K 4 pts). I Pass.

Ronald the Faggy McDonald

My friends always tell me I’m going to have a heart attack any time now. Because all I eat is junk food or candy. My life is just the guy in Super Size Me. If the Donald’s were any closer I’d eat even more. Good thing my mom cooks dinner or else all I’d eat are hungry man dinners. You ate more microwave dinners, that’s only when I'm out do you realize how much sodium there is in them. Funny when I was on my own in London my whole freezer was packed full microwave dinners, especially hot pockets because they were on sale. My excessive coffee and energy drinks also don’t help my health either

Anyway my favorite fast food place; the king of burgers: Mc Donald’s. What’s the deal with calling every thing Mc? It’s just like Batman. Chicken Mc Nuggets, Big Mac, Egg Mc Muffin, Mc Flurry and Mcicecream. Can I have some Chicken Nuggets? Do you mean Chicken Mc Nuggets? Yes.  They finally took down the sing over 99 billion served.  What’s the point of that? Since that many have eaten there it must be good. How did they calculate how many people were served in the earlier years. Hey our Sarnia branch had 51 people served. We got 86 over here.

You don’t see many fast food commercials anymore. I think tampons took over. Which is the most disgusting thing ever. I used to love Mc Donald’s commercials. I love Grimace. I don’t even know what he is exactly he is? Just some big purple blob. The Hamburgular is my favorite, always trying to arm robber Mc Donald’s and executes a Fry Kid every 20 minutes until they give him the damn burgers. Birdie the Bird, good name, is the huge dyke. And you have Officer Big Mac with his partner Lieutenant Cheese Burger. They usually do sting operations to catch the Hamburgular and send him to Mc Prison. And those smiling nuggets scare me. Every time I eat one I feel like they have eyes and a mouth and I’m eating them alive.

Nicolas Cage Is The Worst Actor Ever.

Nicolas Cage is the dictionary definition for sellout.  I was looking up his credits on IMDB and he was in like 60 films. And only like five were decent give or take five.

The movie Trade Center should have never been made. It was too soon and completely inappropriate. I don’t like the idea of exploiting a tragedy, unless they donate money to a good cause. I realize they tried to down play it and make it about how heroic the firemen were. But this isn’t Titanic. Sure Titanic was horrible but also beautiful in some way. Nine Eleven was a senseless tragedy. And the worst part was it was really crappy to the extent that I walked out watched another movie. I forget what but was probably Snow Dogs 2. On the other hand it may sound contradictory but Flight 98 was well done.

Then there is Con Air, or what I call Corny Air. I guess defending you and your wife sends you to jail because you’re a marine and your fists are weapons. Two things I hated about it were they crash land down the fucking Vegas strip. So to save the lives of three good people and bunch criminals they endangered fucking thousands of civilians. And of course Garland Greene the hardcore serial killer, who says he wore a girl’s face as a fucking hat, not only survives but is on a winning spree at the casino. It’s even worse than ending the movie with O.J. winning the lottery.

Face Off. Need I say more? Whoever thought of this must have had some good PCP. Hey dipshit, do you realize how insane it is to have a procedure to switch your face to change your identity. I don’t even remember why he needed to change his identity. But it wouldn’t work for some many reasons. First off they removed the skin and not switched the actual skull and bone structure. Second, they failed to mention why their bodies and voices changed because I thought it was just Face Off and not Body Off. Third, if you ever seen burn victims who did have skin transplants they still don’t look good at all. Look at Michael Jackson. And lastly what fucking stupid movie. I could barely watch it.

But I’m glad to hear that he is way over his head in debt. Stix told me something like he needs to make 30 million a year just to pay all of his bills and expenses. Ha-ha. He pulled a MC Hammer. Doesn’t he realize that he sucks and he won’t be making movies forever.

Canadian Pie

I saw American Pie at the theatre with a bunch of friends during my high school years. It was ground breaking, one of the first movies to tackle teenage sex. And has lead to a string of other American Pies with Bert always in it for some reason. I have both the original VHS copy and the “Unrated! The version you couldn’t see in theaters.” And I can’t find any difference at all. Maybe there is three seconds more of Nadia stripping.

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The begging starts off with Biggs trying to jerk off to bad reception of porn and is all excited about seeing a nipple. Dude ever heard of National Geographic. Every magazine has naked jungle chicks. And his parents catch him in the act. It happens to the best of us. Dude, use the shower, play music while beating off or wait till your parents are gone you horny nerd.

But it gets worse. When Biggs asks his friends about third base and they said it’s like American pie. Dude they didn’t mean it literally. Oh this pie is getting me hot. Ug it’s still warm and squishy. Oh dad, ya I won’t lie I was pounding a pie. Hey son as long as you protection, you could burn your dick with pie fucking. And later they’re like what does having sex with a dead body. Like cool ice cream.

Then his father buys him some good porn. This is my child porn; just don’t get caught with it. And this is Skank; notice the ring on her clit. And here are some used condoms, don’t worry I washed them. For fuck sakes just use a Sears’s catalogue or use your imagination.

The best part of the movie is when Nadia strips. My VHS copy gets really fuzzy when it happens from all of that rewinding. Don’t you think it’s kind of perverted to tape a girl changing in your room and showing it all to your friends? I’m pretty sure there is something illegal about taping a chick changing without her permission.

It had great lines like suck me beautiful. It never works. I think Willow is the cutest chick in the movie. One time at band camp we had an orgy and I stuck a hamster up my ass. So when are we going to do some bondage and get freaky because I’m so horny. An awesome movie.

Then they made American Pie 2. I remember me and Chris got really baked and were thinking we’re going have a laugh fest. Wow were we disappointed. I think I laughed more at unintentionally scenes like when Stiffler buys everyone lube and sex toys. Hey guys I got some lube, let’s get our jerk on. And the dude has phone sex with his lady friend. Oh ya I’m rubbing my nipples, there so hard.

Notice that many sequels use the same jokes only slightly different? Take the Nadia strip tease that went to all these computers. It was funny and it could happen. Then they did the whole we do you do it for the lesbians. Okay, I suck his dick if you munch her carpet. It was so fucking gay, And for whatever incredible reason, their walky talkies somehow magically broadcast on the radio and other channels. For example the guy is working at Taco Bell and this whole sex thing comes on. the PA. And instead of saying what the fuck is happening they get all hot about hearing chicks licking each other and dudes kissing each other.

No Blog Too Big, No Blog Too Small

I just posted the big 75^th blog today. It’s all about taking art in school. Check it out and tell your friends about it. If you count this small blog than it’s actually my 76^th blog today And I’m taking requests. If you want me to write about something in particular feel free to use the comment box or facebook to suggest a topic. And don’t worry, anything goes. There can’t possibly be anything stupider than what I have already posted. I mean I wrote about a centaur's family jewels.

Starving Artist

I was at the art walk the other day. There were some cool paintings and some shitty ones that look like finger painting. I used to be quite the artist. In kindergarten I was on top of my game. I would draw people that actually looked like people. And not a round circle with arms and legs sticking out. I really liked drawing dinosaurs. My favorite, the badass of them all the T fucking Rex. Too bad I was incomprehensible (wow what a big word for me). Here, here is my dino, my dino, he big and he scary. Roar.

In elementary school I used to draw video game characters, like Yoshi or Mega Man villains. Here is Iceman; he has the power of uh freezing things. I would help other kids draw; especially soccer balls for some reason. I had all of the markers, like 40 of them. But I ran out of black and skin color. I wonder in Africa do they call black skin color and our skin color pink. The only problem with markers is that you get dizzy, and not in a good way.

Then in High School I took three art courses because it was a no brainier. Its fun; all you do is draw and play pokemon. Speaking of which, Alakazam with confusion is the best character, that’s all I used and maybe Charizard to help out. I made some pretty decent drawings. Do you ever try erasing something; it is a bitch. Come on guys I can’t erase the giant penis you assholes.

Then I took art and psychology at Western University. It was cool because my best work is when I’m baked. At first I thought drawing nude models would be hot. They weren’t. The ladies were so ugly. You’d think that ugly ladies wouldn’t want to be stared at and drawn. Teach I’m having problems drawing these saggin tits because she keeps moving. And can I borrow your B2 pencil for the bush. And I forgot that I’d have to draw dudes as well. I think most people can agree that the female body is beautiful while us men are hairy and bulky. So we had to draw men who were probably gay. I’m not like the guy from Super Bad, I don’t like drawing dicks. So I hoped class would end before I had to finish off his dick. Sometimes I would put a black block over it with a word censor or try to pixilate it. I passed with a 70% but gave up on art entirely because every student was a million times better and there’d be absolutely point at all to pursue it.

Arrgg Me Name Be Greg

Pirates of the Caribbean Four I did watch with me pa and brother. A good movie there’d be; me pa loved it. We didn’t see it in 3D but you could tell that some parts were made especially for 3D. The snack corner was way expensive as always; good thing we sneaked in some sour keys. And we all take a different line until one of us gets to the counter. It left off open ended for another one. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they made two or three more.

Did you ever wanted to be a pirate? Me and my brother dressed up as pirates for Halloween. He got the hat, the sword and the hook and all I had was a stupid eye patch. And I loved the old PC classic Pirates where you choose your country and pretty much pillage, plunder and rape. A simple game but tons of fun.

I wouldn’t want to be a pirate though. I get sea sick on the inner tube in my pool. Imagine how you’d feel after a month on the high sea. You would probably get the scurvy from lack of healthy foods. If it wasn’t for my Flintstones vitamin pills I would probably get scurvy too from all those Big Macs. Imagine all you ate were biscuits. I mean I get sick of even Lucky Charms. The new marshmallow by the way is a bloody rabbit’s foot. On a side note when I worked at Little Caesars I never got sick of pizza. I love it that much. Imagine how horny you’d get if you haven’t seen a women in weeks and it would probably too embarrassing to jerk off in the cabin full of other men. Unless they had some sort of shower and a Playboy magazine. And why do they always swap the deck? Is the captain some kind of chick? Who gives a fuck if the ship is a little dirty? Is the captain’s girl friend coming aboard? Just use Captain Clean on the liquor and blood stains. The best job as a pirate would be in the crows nest. Land Ho! Ha just fucking with you, all I see is water.

Mono poly

I have this huge love hate thing about monopoly. If you’re doing well it’s awesome, but if all you got is BO (body order)  Railroad it sucks. The first moves pretty much decide the fate of the game. It gets pretty nerve wrecking. Noo not income tax I’m on a fixed income! If you don’t pay your income tax you go to jail for fraud. You should buy every property except hydro and nuclear plants and the railroad tracks. They never pay off.

I always move the other guy’s pieces and fuck up the game. And I always have to count every move. Greg for fucks sake if you are on Free Park and roll two fives then you go to go to jail. It goes by tens and counting won’t change that.

I love Chance. My favorite one is where you molest two children, go straight to jail. But after three moves you’re out. It’s not like North Korea monopoly where you spit your gum on the side walk, you can’t move for 50 moves. There is the one killer community chest where you pay so much for all of your houses. Of course I’m like Rain Man and count the community chest deck. And I use the force to manipulate the dice.

We always put the $500 on the free two hour parking along with all taxes. Now they have electronic monopoly which I don’t like the idea. I like counting my mona and stealing from the bank. And I’m totally stingy with my money. You forget my $2 bitch. You don’t have change, well get change. Fine I will take your $5, it adds up. I also hate being the banker because of my poor counting skills. I’m usually in charge with the properties.

You get the weirdest trades ever. Okay my Marvin Martian for your New York New York only if I trade for my

Park Place

for Jay’s inbred Kentucky and get $500 and get safe passage through the blues.

Eventually it gets to the point that you don’t want to move. I want to make it through the red gauntlet and watch out for the axes of evil. It’s like sweet luxury tax. The best part is when you distract the other guys when you land on their property. Too late now sucka. Of course I’m a huge narc. Um Stickley you do realize that Irving landed on your

Park Place

. And I think there’s some rule that if you forget your go money it’s too late.

There are lot of monopoly themes now. In fact Sarnia is on Canadian monopoly. My favorite one is Star Wars! It makes the game so much funner. I always choose R2D2 and make funny R2 noises. Like I would land on Jabba the Hutt’s Hut and make sad R2 beeps. I love the properties too. Sweet I got Endor!

I think they already made it but Ghettopoly would be awesome! I can imagine the properties. The lowest ones would be cardboard boxes. Next the reds would be vans and station wagons and the blues would be crack houses. The pieces would be a shopping cart full of cans, a heroine needle and crack pipe to name a few. And some of the chance cards would be you stole a car go to jail or you snorted some coke and are paranoid go back three spaces.

Seven Cent Candies

Whets the deal with ending a price with a nine? You’re not fooling anyone. Wow I saved a cent! I’m pretty sure people consider 99 cents or 97 cents the same as a dollar. I won’t even pick up penny. I always use the give a penny take a penny or donate it to Tiny Tim so he can afford new crutches. But that penny would add up for the store however. Then there is the whole 14.99 and up, which is pretty useless, it could be anything Oh jolly it’s at least 14.99. It’s like saying 1 cent and up. I think it would be much much easier if they just included the tax in the price and make it a round number for everyone.

Its funny today I went to get some bridge fries with my mom and they now have just today added tax on fries. And they guy kept saying it’s now $4.20 or whatever. I’m sure he will change the sign later. So if my math is right that’d be 5%. I hope they don’t do that with garage sales and kids selling lemonade.

And inflation is a bitch. I was at Lakeshore variety store and they finally did it, they raised the price on 5 cent candy! Holy shit. It’s now 7 cents!  Which I still don’t think they even make a profit. And I usually get candy when I’m baked so it will only make that much harder to count. My mom blames it on the stupid Iraq war and gas. It’s like a chain effect. The truckers waste more money on gas and then our staples go up and my Count Chocula costs $8.00 now.

Who Are You?

I saw memento at film class with our flaming professor. The first day I made a bet that he was gay. Three weeks later he came out big time. I’m sure he was already out of the closet, but he said something gay like he wished he himself could conceive a child and he doesn’t mean his girl friend.

Any who I never even heard of Memento till film class. This is my type of movie. I loved it, what an experience. I took it in psychology where people have no short term memories and can’t make new memories past the incident or whatever. So every five minutes it kind of resets. And those suffering of it go insane as you can imagine. So his wife gets killed and he gets injured by the robbers and loses his short term memory. And the plot is that he wants to track down those robbers, but can’t remember who they are. The coolest part is the movie goes backwards so the first scene is the last scene.

People blame it on the weed but I had had horrible memory my whole life. I would be a million times smarter if I had better memory. I would be a million times smarter if I had better memory. For instance, right now I forgot something I was going to say and my grammar check thing underlined like thirty words, including the word grammer itself.  Sometimes it is so bad my spell check has no idea what word I want to spell right.

So I never learn people’s names, and instead I just say buddy instead. It gets bad in hockey or poker. Speaking of poker, everyone has a number right. Good thing my poker number is 2469. It’s funny, it’s easier for me to remember two four of Molson Canadian and the good old sixty nine.

My life is like one big scavenger hunt. Just the other day I spent 15 minutes at the Wal-Mart parking lot looking for the wrong car. It takes me a while to adapt to new things; I keep thinking someone is visiting us because I forgot my mom got a new car. And I leave stuff in the most random places. It’s like I should have learned by now to put Ipod on the table by the door the same spot every time. But no I’m going straight to my computer to play some World of Warcraft and leave my Ipod on the television. And one of my most used line is I was going to say something but I forgot. Which drives me nuts. Oh right now I remember, did you see the Golden Girls episode where Blanche fucks a donkey.

I never knew anyone who had alzheimer's. But I’m sure it isn’t good. I hear that some people don’t even remember their own children. Who are you? I’m Stix remember, I was the one who got the aids. However, you meet new people every day. I would leave a note saying watch Snow Dogs 4, you’ll love it. And so I could watch it everyday as if it was the first time I saw it. And get blown away by the climatic ending each time.

What’s your earliest memory? Two I recall were when I was four and hid in the garbage can. Or my fifth birthday where I got roller-skates and my dad was going to catch me but I fell down right before him, skinned my knees and was screaming. Wait, now I remember my earliest memory was when I was in the third trimester and I went insane because of the cluster phobia