Reincarnation

The Reincarnation of Me

The Wikipedia definition of reincarnation is the religious or philosophical concept that the soul or spirit, after biological death, begins a new life in a new body that may be human, animal or spiritual depending on the moral quality of the previous life's actions.

My definition of reincarnation is some stupid retarded belief that when some animal or a person kicks the bucket they become something else. Like Osama is now a slug that I just stepped on. And then becomes a house fly that I just swatted at.

So let me get this straight, little Timmy gets hit by a bus and is now a clam. And does it work in reverse?  Like did some ape turn into Oprah?  Or can you become someone else? I would hate to be some sea mammal like Rosy Odonnell.

I don’t understand a couple of things. First off do you remember what happened in past lives? I mean you would have to cumulate all of this experience, memories and knowledge. Or else it’s not really reincarnation now is it. And you would think by now somebody has died and then have been reincarnated as a human again. This way they can teach us about their life and history.

Reincarnation goes against any Christianity beliefs. My understanding of Christianity is that when a person dies their soul goes straight to Heaven, Hell or Purgatory. First off I don’t get Purgatory. But when someone dies they go straight to the afterlife and not become a stupid pigeon. Also if someone becomes an ant then all animals should have souls.

Do you just go animal hopping forever? I mean I would eventually get sick living from animal to animal. I wouldn’t want to be a chicken for the thousandth time. They can’t fly, they don’t look happy and they have to lay eggs all day and eat chicken feed.

And where did this all start? There had to be the first spirit and fresh new spirits beginning with single cell organisms. I mean if you can be an ant at one point in time there would be infinite spirits. So do spirits wait in the reincarnation line until there is a new body available. “Sweet I’m going to be the son to a multi millionaire.” “Screw you, I’m going to be a fucking cow again. Good thing their life expectancy is three years.”

If you could or had to be an animal, forever or temporarily, what would you be? My third choice we be I would be a parrot. I always wanted to fly around; I mean arms are so overrated. The drawback would be eating whatever crap parrots eat.

As a pet I would love messing around with people’s minds. I would have conversations with my owner. And he’d want to show others and make millions of having a super intellectual bird. But every time someone else is around or he tries to videotape me I say the usual “hello” or just whistle. Then when they leave I would call him a jackass.

My second choice would be a bunny. They’re so cute and they have sex all the time. I mean they don’t have to worry about STDs or condoms or normal boyfriend duties like seeing Chocolat. They just fuck. They have no bills to pay or paper work or whatever; they just have to eat carrots and whatnot and try to not to get killed . And I wouldn’t be stupid enough to get hit by a car; I’d use a crosswalk.

My first choice would be a pet cat. They have no worries in life and they pretty much do what ever they want to.  I’d get high off catnip and eat only the premium fish and meat. I would just sit around and watch TV all day. Wait that’s what I do right now. And I’d use the bathroom; no kitty litter for me. At night I’d prowl the streets and make sweet cat love or even better cat orgies with those lovely female cats. Meow.

Amusement Parks

I’m Going to Sea World!

I really do enjoy going to Amusement parks. But getting sick completely ruins the experience. I think the first theme park I have been to is Boblo Island. I hear it has closed a while ago and is now some ghost theme park. Being next to Detroit I bet they have a growth operation there.

I don’t remember much about it except I almost puked on the UFO ride where it spins around and you are stuck against the wall. “I want off! I want off.” Imagine I did puke in the ride. That would be so funny. So as soon as I get out I puked like crazy. I didn’t even make it to the garbage can.

I think I should have taken gravel but I had a bad experience with it a long time ago. I used to get car sick and so when I was going camping with my friend and his family, I was prepared and brought a package. Well I took one and it made it worse. So I took three more pills because I was sick. I didn’t realize it was the gravel making me so sick in the first place. It was one of the worst feelings ever and I was fucked up for that whole night. So the first time I went deep sea fishing I got sea sick half way through. So the next time I finally tried the gravel again and drank a lot of water. Well it worked and I had an awesome time. I actually caught a small shark.

Cedar Point is my favorite theme park. It has the tallest and best roller coasters. The problem is the whole you have to be this tall to ride. What about short people and midgets? It’s like going to a liquor store. “Sorry sir you have to be this tall to buy Jagermeister.” So my family went to the Point with our friends. The whole trip I was so excited about riding the Demon Drop. I was all pumped up and ready to ride. I finally get to the top of the stairs when I freak out. And I did the whole walk of shame.

We return a few years later and I finally faced the Demon Drop. So we get to the tallest roller coaster at the time; the Magnum. I sat with my brother who was twice my size. He actually lifted up his knees when the bar lowers and I was hanging on for dear life. Then the coaster slowly goes up the hill and I start to panic. “I want off, I want off!” Well we make the drop and the rest was butter. I wanted to do it again.

I love playing the carnival games. Normally the rim for the basketball game is the same size as the ball. But my dad and people left, right and center were winning these prizes. I bet they buy wholesale carnival prizes at Costco and even still make money when people win.

A few years later I go with my aunt, her lover and my cousin to Disney World. The Magic Kingdom is for youngsters. Again I have been on the tallest roller coaster and Disney World just can’t compete. The trick to theme parks is going on a day when people most likely won’t come, like a Monday. We went to the Magic Kingdom first and it was raining off and on. The lineups for the popular rides are normally like a fucking hour long. We were actually running through what was supposed to be the line.

First we go on the log ride. They take photos of you when you drop down the waterfall. I was laughing and I did the whole arms above my head. My cousin on the other hand look liked he was going to piss his pants. I have never let that down.

I think the only rides I enjoyed were Space Mountain, the Haunted House and my favorite the Pirates of the Caribbean. And the worse ride has to be It’s a Small World. I can’t believe it happened but our boat actually stalled and we were trapped by the Swedish and Eskimos singing for a half hour. That’s priceless.

The next day I was disappointed that the water park was closed. Why, because the temperature was about 78 degrees. Hey I’m from Canada and 78 degrees is awesome. It’s funny that the next time I went with my family we were at the beach. Only nobody was swimming except two other people. We get talking and guess what. They were Canadian too.

Too bad the Magic Kingdom can’t really expand to build new rides. Okay leave the Dumbo ride because it’s classic. But Future World isn’t so futuristic anymore. I had a much better time going to Epcot and MGM. But liked Universal so much more. When I went they had awesome rides like the Back to the Future ride, King Kong and of course Jaws.

Now I have heard of some chilling statistics about Disney World. Apparently Disney is the top employer of pedophiles. It makes sense since they are around kids all of the time. That makes me sick; I hope they burn in Hell. But it’s funny that there is a certain day each year referred to as gay day where thousands of homosexuals visit. “I’m wearing Goofy’s hat. I’m so goofy.” “You are a silly goof.” “No you’re the silly goof, silly goof.”

There are also the Disney mascots. I’m not sure who and how many mascots there are. I would love to meet Launch Pad. I’m not a young kid anymore but do they actually believe some guy dressed up a Mickey is the real Mickey? At what age do you realize that it’s not the real Mickey? I mean he never talks and he is always smiling. He doesn’t even move his mouth. And if you take off Mickey’s head it freaks them out. I wonder if there are two or more Mickey’s in the whole park like there is a Santa at each mall. “Dammit Jim, some kid knows there is three Mickey’s. We need some crowd control.” “And we need more Bort license plates.”

Murder

Homicide in Sarnia

I can’t believe it, but there was a murder a couple houses down from mine. That hits close to home indeed. The funny thing is that we don’t live in the ghetto and we don’t have guns. Nobody has released any information yet, but there are lot theories. As far as I can tell some guy killed his ex-wife because she was seeing another man.

Apparently he killed her around 4am. So the whole household was taped off and there were thousands of cops and a forensic trailer. Now Sarnia isn’t the biggest city. I don’t know if we have a homicide team or people came in from out of town. “We have the glove. I think...” “Look Murdock, I’m the fucking O.P. and I have jurisdiction. I want finger prints! Stat!”

Well our whole neighborhood was watching it unfold and there were a lot of speculation.  Even the murder she wrote lady Angela Lansbury came to investigate. She threw away the type writer for an Ipad on got onto the case of Murder at 4:00am Sarnia.

There were a few other homicides I have heard of. Also in Sarnia, there was this boxer that stabbed his ex girlfriend like literally forty times. I guess he pulled an O.J. I have heard afterwards he was going to drive into incoming traffic. Fuck you, don’t kill any more innocent people. But I bet being a crazy boxer I’m sure he will fit right in.

And in Florida a couple of trailers down from my uncle’s place, some old dude killed his wife and buried her underneath his trailer. That’s all I know. You would think that he would be accused of murder but I guess they didn’t have enough to convict him. But don’t worry people eventually could smell the rotting corpse and bam he’s going to spend the rest of his short life in prison. I would hide and burry a corpse in a million other better places than under your own trailer.

Back to crazy jealousy man, I have heard they are still searching for this alleged backpack and possibly the murder weapon inside it. Our garbage men wouldn’t even collect our garbage because the killer might have thrown into one of ours. If I would kill someone the first thing I would do is get on a plane to Mexico.

How crazy do you have to be to murder someone? I guess it’s like in the heat of the moment because who actually thinks they can get away with it? Even if you are found innocent people know you did it. “Hey neighbors. What a terrific day.” “It certainly is Mr. I killed my wife.”

Criminals never really predict how horrible prison would be like. All you do is sit in a cell, work out, eat shitty food, get raped and spend your time regretting your crime and waiting till you get released or die in a fucking jail. Unless you do a daring escape though the laundry and under the prison walls like I did.

I’m not a superstitious person, but who would want to live in a house where someone was murdered? “Well these are the chandeliers. Aren’t they pretty? This is the kitchen; it opens up to the family room. Very spacious. Look there are four bedrooms and two bathrooms. And this family room where a lady was brutally murdered. We decided to get new carpet. And look outside at the pool.”

Conspiracies

They Are After Me

Conspiracy theorists piss me off so much. They are a combination of paranoia, denial, make believe and just plain stupidity. I bet they have never have heard of Occam’s razor. Occam’s razor states that the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

Take the death of Kirk Cobain. It’s painfully obvious that he committed suicide by shooting himself. But there are all these dumbass theories like Courtney killed him and then made it look like a suicide and faked the suicide note. Or there was too much heroine for him to shoot himself.

Nine-Eleven

9/11 was such a horrific tragedy. It’s blatantly obvious that the planes destroyed the Trade Center towers by crashing into them. Scientists have proven that the explosion caused by the crash melted the steel structures and caused a chain reaction in which the buildings collapsed upon itself. The hijackers were all crazy fucking Middle Easterns. But I don’t think Iraq had anything to do with it.

Making 9/11 conspiracies is a kick to the face to everybody affected by it. There are a million theories and they contradict each other. My question is why they don’t believe that there was no conspiracy and was only an attack by crazy foreigners?

The biggest stupid theory had to be that the government bombed the towers.  Don’t get me wrong, I think the U.S. government at times can be evil. Look at Iraq. But the government is not that crazy or evil to have done this on their own civilians. Anyone who believes or perpetuates this is mega fucking retarded.

Let me get this straight, they planted bombs on the base of the building that just so happened to blow up at the same exact time the planes crashed. How convenient. If you see the footage the explosion blows up near the top of the building. If there was a bomb then the explosion would occur at the bottom of the building. Fuck you conspirators.

Moon Landing

I don’t understand why skeptics believe the moon landing was all a hoax. They claim it was all done in some studio. I guarantee that if it was fake you would notice. But if it was faked, they did a great job. Have you seen the original Star Trek sets?  I mean did they use ropes or anti gravity technology when the astronauts leap?

Crazy people believe that the shadows were all wrong and that it had to be the lighting in the studio. Well Mythbusters pretty much proven it was real. Check it out on Youtube to see for yourself. Conspiracy nuts also claim that the flag was flapping when apparently there is no wind on the moon. And then astronauts took pictures of Earth. Try faking that.

I just don’t get why people can’t believe in the moon landing. Is it that hard to believe? I mean why would NASA go through all of this trouble just too to trick people into believing we could reach the moon.

So was the whole launch faked? Are all of the other spaces launches since then faked too? Is there really no Mir Space station? How about the Mars robot thingamajig? Was that all done in the studio too? Do I ask too many damn questions? Yes I do. All of the fucking time.

The thing is that Neil Armstrong fucked up his classic line when he says “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” He was supposed to say one small step for “a” man. My point is if they did this in a studio they would just do another take.

Area 51

I already wrote a long blog about aliens a long time ago. I’ll just summarize. I’m sure there are aliens or life out there, but I think we will never make contact because of the sheer distance. If they were here, then everyone would find out eventually. It would have leaked like the latest Tina Turner album.

Of course a UFO is an unidentified flying object. What annoys me is when people think anything in the sky must be a UFO. “I see a moving light. It couldn’t be a plane or satellite. It’s a UFO. Get the president, we have visitors.” People have even tried building a UFO saucer. It just doesn’t work.

I hate people who claim they were abducted and aliens shoved a probe up there ass for no reason. What do the aliens have to gain from this? I’ll admit when my wrench got stuck up my ass I could only tell them I sat on it so many times.

So Area 51 is some secret highly classified government military base where they conduct secret highly classified military experiments. So what is the point of all of this? What are they doing and why all of all of this secrecy? Again crazy people think they hold aliens and alien technology.

I wonder what the typical day is of an employee is like. “Honey I’m home.” “How was your day?” “Good, but if I told you than I would have to kill you.” “What?” “Haha, no just the usual. We did some more testing on the Gorak. And for all of the abductions and anal probes, we stuck one big one up his ass. Take that Gorak.”

However there is a conspiracy that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are after me. They are putting drugs into my Captain Crunch and fluoride in my drinking water. And they have been surveilling me. At first there was an icecream truck parked in front of my house. I caught on because it was in the Winter. Then they had the cable van parked a few houses down the street. I caught on because it was there for a month. And then they Jehovah’s witnesses come to my door. I don’t know if it was the government or just crazy people. Why are they watching me? Because I hold important knowledge that the government needs and they want to silence me. That’s why I don’t own a cell phone. In fact my whole blogpage is a cover. My real name is Scott Turbostone.

Top Five Computer Games

There are games I like to play on my computer and there are games I like to play on my videogame systems. I love playing strategy and MMORPG games on my laptop while I play all other type of games on my Wii or Xbox 360 or Sega Saturn. I would never play a first person shooter on my laptop and I would never play Star Craft on my Xbox 360. So here are my top five favorite computer games.

5. Diablo 2

I bought Diablo 2 with my mom. “Greg, is this some Devil game?” The best part of Diablo 2 is that you can play along with other people. It’s much funner this way and besides it’s almost impossible to take on Diablo alone. I love the necromancer because you can raise skeletons and summon creatures to do your fighting for you. However there are a few things I don’t like. There is a cap on money and you lose money when you die. And your chest can hardly fit any weapons or items. The worst part is that when you die you have to retrieve your corpse. Every time I get killed by a boss I keep getting killed over and over again trying to retrieve my damn items. When this happens my heart goes racing and I almost have a heart attack. Damn you Satan! Damn you to Hell!

4. Starcraft

I love real time strategy computer games. Command and Conquer was the first one I ever played. Red Alert was my favorite for a while until Starcraft came along. When I play I concentrate on producing the most harvesters quickly to make the most money and I keep expanding my base. You have to play with friends for sure. When you play strangers over the net, there are stupid maps where there are just heaps of resources and people rush. I hate rushing because it’s not fun at all and is stressful. I like to build up my base and armies. And then people quit in the middle of a game for no reason. Sometimes I would team up with Stics but he would always betray me and ruin my record. I’m getting a desktop for Christmas and then I can play Starcraft 2 and the latest Heroes of Might and Magic.

3. Ages of Empire 2

Ages of Empire 2 is my favorite of the Empire series. My whole hallway at college played it all of the time. It’s a real time strategy game like Starcraft and Command and Conquer, only its set in medieval times. You have different empires to choose from and you advance through time periods. Thus Ages of Empire. Of course you build um buildings such as farms and training camps. It’s like rock scissors and paper with units. Certain units are stronger or weaker against other units. I wish I had an empire. It would be the Empire of Gregera and everyone would be my slaves. Kneel before your master!

2. World of Warcraft

The World of Warcraft is addictive and it consumes you. The game overshadows anything else. Such as a normal life and things normal people do outside of the World of Warcraft. When I play I sometimes I get into it way too much and forget about things. Like food. The funny thing is that I love food. Hmm Big Macs. When you are a reverse retiree like me you can play all day, every day. There is really no point except to grow stronger and get better items. Because when I made it to level 70 I thought what do I do now? I guess I have to get the latest expansion pack and grow more powerful. Fear me, for I am Deathera!

1. Heroes of Might and Magic 3

I love the Heroes of Might and Magic series. I own all but the newest one.  Heroes 3 is my favorite out of all of them. This game is addictive as Hell. I’ll try my best to describe it. It’s a fantasy turn based strategy game. You build different kingdoms where you can recruit units. You control heroes that command these units and fight other heroes, other creatures and other kingdoms. And you gather resources, learn spells and collect artifacts. Heroes has unlimited replay value. A large map could easily take you six or more hours. Then you can play a different map or play with a different kingdom. It’s hard to find, but trust me you’ll love it. So go out and buy it. Maybe from EBay.

Open For Suggestions For My Blogpage

When you have made over 250 quality posts you start to run out of ideas. So if there is an interesting topic or something funny you want me to write about than feel free to leave a comment. For example if you want me to make fun of a stupid movie or a television show than drop me a line.

The Karate Kid

Made in China

Do you ever notice that every electronic is made in China or Japan? I’ll be damned if my Bopit is made anywhere else. I mean I would never buy a M3P playa if it was made in Mexico. Even my Canada Day hat and flag are made in China. My mom on the other hand wants to support our country and buy Canadian only. I don’t even know what we make or export in Canada. Maybe lumber, hockey equipment or syrup.

The problem with China is that there are too many damn people. However soon there will be a ton of retirees and nobody to support them. And many guys might turn gay because there is a lack of girls to go around. I don’t understand what’s the big deal if you have a daughter and your name won’t live on. Besides I’m sure there are thousands of other citizens with the same name.

Now I don’t want to be racists or anything but I find it hard to tell Chinese people apart. I can tell black people apart but Asian people all look the same to me. Obviously black people or Chinese people can tell each other apart. My question is do white people look all the same to non white people.

Back at college there were two cute Chinese girls on my floor. By the third week I was flirting with one (I forgot her name but I forget everyone’s names). We hung out and watched some movies together and had these inside jokes. Well I come across another girl thinking it was her and said some stuff that only the one girl would know and this girl had no clue what I was talking about. Whoops. Afterwards I realize how different they looked like.

I don’t know much about China but I do know they had a five thousand year old dynasty and empire. Doesn’t the emperor kick ass. It’s way better than some lame ass king. I believe they are now communist and have a kickass army. First I don’t think communism is that evil but it just doesn’t work. And do you see their soldiers march in unison. I’ll bet if a guy trips he will be shot.

The Great Wall is the only manmade building seen from outer space. It kept out Mongols  until the intruders had guns and explosives to destroy sections of the wall, rendering the wall useless as protection. It would be cool to ride a go-cart along the wall. I hope they have ash trays because apparently they are big smokers over there.

I would love to write and talk in Chinese but I’m way too old and lazy to learn. Their written language is like an art. I don’t know if they have letters or keyboards or what. Imagine being a busy doctor, they would have the sloppiest of signatures. One diagonal cross could have a completely different meaning.

I have even heard that some tattoo artists create tattoos with really fucked up or shitty translations. I know a lot of Chinese people hang out together and talk in Madrid or whatever. Which is fine because I know the first thing I’d do if I was in China is meet up with some Americans and other white people.

There are two variety stores down my street. They are both operated by Chinese people. Nothing wrong with that. At Lakeshore the clerks are totally cool and nice. I used to go to the other store Daisy Mart my entire life until the total dick bought it. At first he was super friendly and would even bow to customers. I think he was just happy to live in Canada.

Well he got used to the Canadian lifestyle and would get pissed off because I would be coming in stoned, flipping through magazines and buying candy. And he even started counting them even though I said I count by tens and I don’t really give shit about a few nickels.

So one time I rented three movies for a buck a piece. I returned them at 7:00pm and was an hour late. I would have got there sooner but there was a fucking snow storm. But douche bag charged me late fees. Not only that, he charged me double, so it was two dollars per movie. I told him off but I paid because he has the best selection. But I don’t even say hello or thank you anymore. I just hand him the money and take my items without a word. But sometimes this hot chick works there. Too bad she has the worst taste in movies; like any Jack Black movie.

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a black belt karate master. However I now have a sky blue belt because that’s my favorite color. I hear you use martial arts for self defense. Screw that I would love to be able to kick some serious butt. I would love to learn the death touch! Yes the death touch.

Do you remember the Karate Kid? Karate Kid is an 80s classic. It stars some Italian kid, Daniel, who lost his father and moved to L.A. with his mother. He was tired of getting bullied and soon learned karate from a sensei Mr. Miyagi. Miyagi lost his wife and child in childbirth and soon he became a father figure.

But Miyagi didn’t really teach him anything. I think he just wanted Daniel to do some yard work for free. I mean Daniel would be washing Miyagi’s Honda and telling him to stroke in circles or whatever. “Daniel son, wax on, wax off.” I’m sure he did housework too. “Daniel son, clean my toilet, scrub on, scrub off.”  The only thing he really taught Daniel was that stupid and awkward kick of his. It would never fly in a real fight. He’s off balance and anyone could just charge and tackle him to the ground. Like any 80s movie, he gets the hot babe at the end only to lose her in the next Karate Kid. The Karate Kid Two.

PETA

PETA stands for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

I have done some research at Wiki and PETA’s site, so I’m trying not to plagiarize.

PETA: [Right now, millions of mice, rats, rabbits, primates, cats, dogs, and other animals are locked inside cold, barren cages in laboratories across the country. They languish in pain, ache with loneliness, and long to roam free and use their minds. Instead, all they can do is sit and wait in fear of the next terrifying and painful procedure that will be performed on them.]

Me: Boohoo. I’m sure they’re not lonely and I’m sure they can use their minds; whatever that means. If they are so damn cold then ask the evil scientist to turn up the heat. And how else will they contain animals other than in a cage. I’m sure my beloved gerbil Trip had a great time in a cage. I miss him so much. Like all of those times he was rolling in his plastic ball. Oh well.

I love animals. Well most of them. I like dogs, cats, lamas and hamsters. It pains me to see animals go extinct or when poachers kill animals for their tusks and body parts. I’m not too fussy with Canadian geese or vultures. I  would laugh to see vultures eating a dead vulture’s corpse. And geese are so damn annoying.

But I hate PETA with a passion. I like to call them “please eat thy ass.” All they are a gang of pussies trying to protect stupid animals. Look animals are not people. PETA members are extremist who spread propaganda and have never heard of the food chain.

They break the law in many ways such as raids at animal research sites. Here’s my biggest problem and reason why they make me sick. They don’t want any animal testing of any kind. Hey assholes, scientist need to perform on animals to conduct research such as curing diseases or testing medications. Who the fuck are they going to test on then? I mean do they rather have scientist perform on people?

There is the famous silver spring monkey case. PETA broke into the labs and shot some disturbing pictures of monkeys. Sure the monkey didn’t look too pleased. But you know what? They’re fucking monkeys. I much rather have some monkeys suffer for the greater good. To quote wiki: with this research scientist discovered neuroplasticity and a new therapy for stroke victims called constraint-induced movement therapy. Thank you scientist. I’ll bet there are not too many credited PETA scientists just like there aren’t too many religious astronomers.

It’s like they are against everything about animals and have coined the term speciesism. They are “against  animals as property, and opposes the use of animals in any form: as food, clothing, entertainment, or as research subjects.” I like to call them humanism. Did you know people are starving, live in a climate of war or don’t have internet or cable. Get your priorities straight, I much rather they help people instead of helping a stupid mouse.

One of their mottos is that “animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment.” This is a rather ambiguous statement. I have no clue what they mean by that. First off I love Big Macs and I’m not going to settle for Big Tofu Macs. Who cares if a cow gets slaughtered. I’m sure they’re too stupid to know what happens to them and have had a nice life grazing. And what about milk cows? Are we allowed to drink milk?  How else will I eat my Captain Crunch or Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries?

Who cares if we shave sheep for wool. We’re not hurting any sheep and the only reason they are alive is that we like to use wool for clothing. And what’s wrong to use animals in entertainment? Is it wrong for Eddie from Frasier to be on the show? We are not hurting the dog in any shape or form. Speaking of which I’m curious what PETA members feed their pet dogs. Because they need the protein and they won’t be very healthy eating rabbit feed and tofu kibbles and bits.

They’re against "fishing, the killing of animals regarded as pests, the keeping of chained backyard dogs, cock fighting, dog fighting and bull fighting.” First off cock fighting sounds hilarious. I mean do two guys go at it using their dicks? Okay cock fighting and dog fighting is terrible. But they are already banned. However I couldn’t give a shit about bull fighting. Feel sorry for the matador; he’s the one who is might get his ass kicked.

I don’t know what the big deal is keeping a dog chained in your backyard. Some aren’t indoor dogs and I’m sure the dog has enough room to move around and play. Would you rather let your dog out? And if PETA doesn’t want animals to live in cages, then fine let the animals loose into the wild and see how much better off their life will be.

Look PETA, I’m going to kill that mouse with a mouse trap. You can swing by my place, save the fucking mouse and let him free to live outside. And the mouse will probably come back into my basement. Here’s a question; what is a pest? Are we allowed to kill ants? I mean what constitutes an animal?

No fishing? That’s so fucking weak. Why not take away anything fun and wholesome. I’m sure some Newfi rather feed his family instead of not hurting any fish’s feelings. And I don’t know what’s wrong if you are going fishing and throwing them back. And fishes aren’t technically animals.

Anyway I’m hungry and I am heading to the bar. Its wing night and screw chickens. Editor’s note: I didn’t publish this blog until just now. You see I wrote most of this blog before I hit the bar and edited it again later. The wings were excellent but I wanted panda bits too.

Bar Hopping

I want to dance!

I never liked dance clubs because the shitty music is too loud, the lines are too long and the drinks are too expensive. I know the bartenders are busy but the longer you make me wait the lesser your tip will be. If anything. Unless she s hot.

I know for sure the hotter the bartender the bigger the tip. Of course it’s not like she is going to give you a blow job behind the bar or anything for a big tip. I also hate when you leave a tip at the bar and they don’t see who left it. That’s why I just ask them to keep the change or give me back just some of it. I usually tip 20% because I’m nice.

I hate dancing. I have no clue what to do for an hours at a time. I mean I moving my arms around and trying to sway to the beat. My old roommate had style and he said he loved to dance. I told him because we like girls. You never hear guys say no chicks tonight, were are just going to dance. One famous Greg quote is when that first year roommate asked why I didn’t want to go the dance club and I said “sorry I don’t embrace the dance.” I think it was funnier if you were there.

 I have no game; I’m terrible at breaking the ice. I have no idea what to say to strangers. “So do you like Star Wars?” And I can’t pull off a pick up line. Half the time I keep saying “what.” I will say “what” three times and if I don’t hear someone on the third time, I say “ya okay.”  So why do girls like dancing so much? Do they actually enjoy just moving around and grinding men? Is this like some kind of kinky ancient tribal tradition where the female tries to seduce the man?

I love drinking beer and getting drunk with the boys. That’s why I love pubs and sitting down with a pitcher of cold beer. You actually get served and you don’t have to wait in a damn line and pay a cover. And you don’t have to try to get the bartender’s attention. You see they earn that tip by providing a service and not just opening a beer at a club. And you can actually talk to your friends. Unless they have that damn karaoke or shitty songs from the jukebox.

However I did karaoke way back when I was hammered and my friends put me up to it. I’m not sure who picked the song but I had to sing Phil Collins In the Air Tonight. Only I wasn’t singing. I was just yelling the lyrics. It was so bad the guy cut me off and I was like “what, what did I do? I’m not done.” There are a lot good catchy songs, take the Ghostbusters theme song. Everyone can sing to that. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

I love picking shitty songs on the jukebox. I know I was the only Pink Floyd fan in the bar so I choose their greatest hits. I picked Sheep and Shine On You Crazy Diamond which are both over ten minutes long. And Wish You Were Here because its’ an awesome song. So the waitress turned it off and told me not to play any more bad songs. I asked for my toonie back.

I love playing pool drunk. Just like golf, I’m actually better drunk or at least buzzed. However I can’t break for some reason. Maybe it’s because I have a bad grip. But I never use the woman’s tool. Everyone has their own rules that you must agree upon too before the game. I don’t call scratches because I don’t think it’d your fault if you are hooked and you have to call your shot or else it’s the other player’s turn.

So I’m at a club with my brother and his friends and I want to shoot some pool because as I said earlier I hate dancing.  So I put my coins on the table and asked if the guy wants to play. Well he tells me he will play for five bucks. I clearly told him no and that I just want to play for fun. So he wins and demands his five bucks. I told him no. And he says “I will find you.” I wasn’t sure what that meant but I told him “I’m right here.”

So I go back to hang out with my brother and his two friends near the entrance. These are all big guys. And this little prick still wants the five bucks. My brother told me to just pay him. But I said “no, what are you going to do about it?” So the bouncer had enough and kicked the little shit head and his stupid friend out. Haha.

Now I usually go to Chicken in the Rough on Wednesday for cheap wings and meet up with the guys. Every time I’m at a bar I always ask for the cheapest beer, usually its Brava, the fake Corona.  I get honey garlic wings because I still find mild way too hot. I mean I will be sweating more than I usually sweat.

One time I was drunk and I almost walked out without paying. Good thing the waitress was a friend of the family. She won’t even let me tip her. And the other waitress is super hot. She could totally fuck up my order and I still won’t care. I was wondering if any places make you work off your dept if you can’t pay? Such as cleaning dishes and such.

Back at college there is a strip of bars on Richmond street. I love to bar hop there, I have had many good times and good memories. Ceeps is my favorite dive. It is a pub and has a small dance floor so you have the best of both worlds. The music is good and the chicks will come to dance and you can sit down at a table. However there is usually a long line because the place gets packed. So one time a bunch of us just rushed the door. And when I was stoned I almost gave my jacket to some random person thinking they were the coat check.

This is what I call the stupid hotdog story. One night me and my roommate were going to get a hot dog. The guy said two dollars. I made the comment that hot dogs are awesome when you’re drunk. And then he charges me three dollars. I was like you said two dollars. But I was hungry so I paid. And it got to me. Then I thought hey he works at a stupid hotdog stand, I will let him keep the extra dollar. It was an excellent hotdog though, it hit the spot.

We all have crazy drinking stories. My scariest one had to be when I was drinking with my soccer team and I completely blacked out. I didn’t remember a god damn thing. Apparently I had a good time. We went to two different bars, hit the strippers and then went to a house party. I wake up in my bed and it’s like it never happened. So asked if I said or did anything stupid or puked and they assured me I was fine. Never again. But history repeats itself. Cheers!