Go Sting Go

So my dad got some Sing tickets off a scalper for us. The Sting were playing the Brampton Battalion. What ugly uniforms; they were puke green and yellow. We were at the end which I don’t normally like because it’s hard for me to see the goalie at the other end. The good thing was that there were only few people in our row. I usually sit beside that fat man who takes both arm rests and gets up every play to grab some more food. I got some beer for like five bucks, and they were selling glass bottles. I don’t know whose fault that was. Is dangerous and a mess if it breaks.

So I’m waiting in line for some pizza and I’m getting impatient and there was only few left and people kept ordering them. I’m hoping little Timmy doesn’t buy one. So I got this pathetic small slice that was all crust and no pepperoni. And so I’m like what’s this? Can I get a real slice? So she got me the biggest one. Yeah!

There were these annoying kids behind us. The whole game they were blowing their horns and getting mad at players. They kept yelling at the players to shoot or how to play. This isn’t NHL 94, you don’t control the players, nor can they hear you. What little Timmy, you want me to shoot? I was just going to pass it or carry or wait for a better angle. But I’m only a hockey player and you are a ten year old spectator. Or they kept yelling at the referees. What little Timmy, it was offside? I’m just a certified referee with a much better view but I will take your advice. Whistle, stop the play. Stop the play. Little Timmy says it was offside.

So after the second period they shot out free T-shirts to the nosiest fans. I don’t understand why kids give a shit about some stupid shirt. People go wild over free things. The genius kids didn’t realize that we were at the end of the rink and there is a fucking net that goes up to the ceiling. There is no way in hell that they can throw it over. One kid knew this. He was hardcore; he was running along the rink to get one. He ran from one side to the other side for a five dollar T-shirt. Me and my brother laughed our assess off.

Wow what an exciting game! It was tied pretty much the whole game and there were many shots and close calls. The goalies were phenomenal. There were a lot of penalties and one awesome fight. So it went to over time and then to shootouts. There were some fancy dekes but we couldn’t score. Our last player fucked up royally and missed his shot completely. But to top it off, if the Sting score three goals then one section gets a free hamburger at Harvey’s with your ticket. And guess what, it was our section. Good thing I kept my ticket because tomorrow I’m getting a burger with every thing on it and a glass of water.

I Have Issues’ 150th Blog Baby!

Booya! Here is it, the big 150^th post on I Have Issues. How did I manage to write all of these blogs and still stay fresh? I don’t know. I am taking suggestions. If you can think of anything funny or interesting that you want me to write about then use the comment box and I’ll see what I can do.

We have come a long way these past months. It all began about a decade ago when I created my blogpage Re-tarded. At the time all of my friends had their own blog page. I made a lot of posts about religion and life. But I ran out ideas and everyone stopped making their own blog pages or visiting mine. I actually tried to visit my old site but it kept messing up.

Years went by and eventually facebook came along. I didn’t get it right away but I loved it as soon as I signed up. Finally I could share my thoughts and write to old friends and people from school. I let anyone visit my page but there isn’t much to it. I haven’t taken any pictures in a long time because I’m afraid a picture steals a bit of your soul. And I’m just too lazy to figure out how to take a picture with my dad’s camera.

As soon as I got Facebook I started off with short comments about anything. But they got longer and longer and longer until I ran out of space in the comment box and started using two or more. I’d have part 1, 2, 3, 4. Some people liked them; some people didn’t like me filling up their whole damn wall with these massive monologues about nothing. So I lost some friends but I couldn’t give a shit. I still have all of my good friends and I could care less about a chick talking about her period or the latest bachelor episode.

It was Stix who suggested I should get my own blogpage again and blog away. So I wrote my first blog titled “Welcome” which pretty much sums up what I’m just said, just now. I came up with the name I Have Issues pretty spontaneously without thinking of something funny or clever but it’s too late now.

My first blog was all about me. It was twenty five things about me called Get to Know Greg.  My first real blog called Keep Dreaming was a classic. I love dreams and I like sharing them. So people don’t forget to check out my earlier blogs.

So I start to write about any random thing that pops up in my mind. And sometimes I get way off track and start writing about something entirely different. Just like do you ever notice that every time the ice cream truck comes by they don’t give enough time to grab some money put on some shoes. I hear the music and come racing out in my boxers but the ice cream is already gone and I don’t have rainbow popsicle. Or you go to the ice cream parlor on a hot day and the cone is dripping and you have a window of opportunity of one minute to finish it. And I hate when you get chocolate on your white shirt. That’s why I wear red T-shirts when I get bridge fries. And then if you get stain I use of bottle of Mr. Clean. If Mr. Clean fought the Green Giant who do you think would win? I mean Mr. Clean is one tough mother fucker but I’m not sure how big of giant the Green Giant is. I hate spinach. Remember Popeye? Where the fuck am I going with this?

Some blogs were interesting, some were funny, and some were just silly.  Some were massive, some were short. I also included a few serious ones such as I Hate George W. Bush about the war in Iraq. And of course I had a number of blogs about religion.

My grammer is obviously horrendous. I can’t even write a damn sentence without it being underlined. Such as spelling the word horrendous. Sometimes spell check has no fucking clue what word I’m looking for. Each time I read it I can’t find my own mistakes. If I miss a word I fill it in my mind.

Don’t judge a blog by its title. For example the blog I Love Grass had nothing to do with pot. It was actually about me cutting the grass and being lazy. My blog called Bears Taking a Dump was about those Charmin toilet paper commercials.

I even deleted a couple of blogs that I thought wee funny at the time.  I actually wrote a blog about a centaurs’ junk. Big mistake. I was looking at my sources and key words people used to find my site and it was disturbing. I even googled my site and it came up at the top of the links for gay centaurs.

I also wrote about gay people and called the title Medieval Ass Rammers. Once again people searched for gay things and my page came up. I was also rude to gay people on occasion and made some rather harsh remarks. There were gay jokes that were not even funny. On my blog Eleven Commandments I made the commandment thou shalt not stick thy boner in thy neighbor’s ass. And I had to change it. I also made a good blog called Ronald Mc Faggy Donald that was actually about McDonalds.

So I was defending gay people and then I met two obviously flaming homos at poker. One was fucking huge and I would never say anything to him. Some girl asked, what we were all thinking, if he was gay. He said no. Then he wore a tight pink shirt the next day.

Then there was this complete gay dork guy. So I was chatting with him and being nice and every thing and then he kept sitting beside me and looking at me all weird and shit. He asked if I could hold his drink for a second and he said not to put any roofies in it. And I’m like uhhhhhh no. Am I wearing a rainbow shirt that says I like the cock? The funny thing is I thought I could do better than him. So now it’s just awkward when he’s at my table and I don’t even listen or look at him.

Some of my personal bests are about G.I.Joe (called Learning is Half the Battle), Looney Toons (Fucking Crazy Toons) Inspector Gadget (Inspector Retard) Genesis and the Bible, Death Penalty for Possession of Marijuana, All About Cereal, Time Travel (Back to the Present) and Nicholas Cage is the Worst Actor Ever.

What does the future hold for my blog page? I’m seriously considering upgrading to a web page. Do you think it would be any good? My records show that people have visited I Have Issues over 1200 times and Canadians have visited my page just over 500 times.

I just want to see if I could actually pull it off and have a real www site. The whole reason for a real web page is that more people will come across it and read it.

I’ve seen other web sites and I think mine is just as good. And who knows, word of mouth could make it popular. I would spend every waking moment on it. Except when I’m getting stoned and playing video games. I will have a huge section on movies whether I’m giving a review of one at the theaters or making fun of an older movie that everyone has seen.

The thing is I know nothing about making web pages. I did buy a web page for dummies book but I don’t like reading. They should have a reading for dummies book. Hmm. Or a video. I did take web page design at Lambton College but I think I knew more than the professor. The first day she showed us stuff a monkey would know such as the X in the top right corner closes a page. Later she showed us how to put a nifty line on your page. And like almost everything in my life I gave up and quit.

I don’t know how to make a webpage, how much they costs or even who I go to. I don’t want anything fancy. Just a categorization of themes or blogs and maybe some pictures.  So if you or someone you know that can make one then contact me. I have no money but I’ll keep you in the credits and make a cherry pie for you.

The Roast of Stix

Stickley is one of my long time best friends. We have a lot of inside jokes that only we find funny. Such as “wait one second.” So get to know Stix with a few tidbits and stories about him. But don’t worry Stix, no Star Trek jokes.

To start off Stix is incredibly pale. He’s like an off shell white. So he must put on a shit load of sun screen because he burns all over. I hope he doesn’t get skin cancer. Who else will I play Starcraft with?

Before we were good friends we were playing basketball and the ball got stuck in the net. Being the genius I am I tried to get it down with his helmet. And it cracked. I don’t how well of a helmet that cracks will save your life. So my mom brought me to his home and paid him $20 for damages.

We had this long running joke about when Aaron’s dog Sasha will die and how Aaron will react. I think Stix predicted he would be like oh its just a dog and he was going to die anyway. And then Aaron would snap. Sasha! Nooo. I think Aaron would hide in his room for three months and not talk to anyone until they bought a replacement dog. And Aaron would be like no dog could replace Sasha. But after two more months would finally accept Sasha’s death and moved on.

I don’t know who said it first, but me and Stickley like saying “indeed” or “touché” or “it was somebody from the inside.” He also says aahh every time he takes a sip.

There was this huge party out of town and we got wasted. Aaron was driving us home. I think Irving was shot gun and me and Stix were sitting in the back. Well this was a beat up car and the ceiling was sagging. So we were each taking turns pulling it down even more. I just took a huge handful and it was sagging like crazy and Aaron looks back and was like what the fuck you guys. So he dropped us off and we were giggling like crazy and started to walk back. And then he later came back. I think they got rid of the car anyway.

At elementary school we had class presidents that we called senators. All we really did was sell juice and chocolate milk. Me, Stics and Machado ran for senator. I think Machado got two votes give or take one. So I pretty much slandered Stics and made a speech completely mocking him. My favorite line describing how he sold drinks was “here you go”. My last line was “I had a dream” and I got a standing ovation. Being a senator had its perks. I got to sell drinks and missed French because of it. Sweet. And I stole juice too. The problem was that I had to empty the trash cans for every grade. Old chocolate milk reeks.

Obviously we love Star Wars and love quoting them. Some good lines are “but I was going to the Tashi station to buy some power converters.” Or when C3PO gives his speech about dying a slow death as you are slowly digested over a 1000 years.

We used to play a lot of Starcraft. We would both be the Protoss and team up on other players. And before we finish the last guy off Sticks would turn off that team status and turn on me and ruin my record once a again.

Stix used to be called Mr. Smooth because there was a hot chick Clair that liked him and he kept ditching me and our friends to hang out with her. But he kept fucking it up. So the guys and Stickley and his lady friend were over at my place. We were watching Undergrads which is an awesome show. Throughout the show the main character Nitz tries to hook up with the chick he likes just how Stickley tries to hook up with Clair. And then Nitz’s friends finally confront him about it, just like our situation. The guys all laughed, I spit my beer, Stickley froze and Clair is like that was so embarrassing.

Me and Stickley always partnered at Golden Eye but we would keep shooting or blowing each other up. We also coined the term the house or used the divider.

Stickley like all Mac fans are so proud of their computers. They are the type of people who go to Star Bucks and order a bottle of water and some celery and use their WiFi to find the latest gossip about the new 3D Ipad. They swear by it that you can’t get viruses. Maybe because hackers don’t give a shit about Macs. And how many games or soft wear can you buy for Mac? Starcraft and the Sims?

The ticket story is the greatest story ever. Only me and Stix really appreciate how funny it is. So we were at a Bayfest concert and totally stoned. I sneaked in some weed inside the rim of my hat. At the time you could only come back if you have a stamp and ticket.  So we left to get even more stoned and I start searching for my ticket And I’m like fuck I think I dropped it. So Stix looks on the ground and picked up a stub and says try this. So were at the line and he goes right in and I follow really quickly and the bouncer stops me. And he says “wait one second.” He checks my stamp and lets me inside. Right away we were laughing like crazy because it’s like right out of a movie. Wait one second.

So later the night we were driving home and there was this fat chick looking for a ride. I never picked up a hitchhiker before but I thought it would be hilarious. So we got talking and I wasn’t sure were we going. And being so stoned we left her at literally the middle of nowhere. And to cap it off we went to the strippers.

Nintendo: The Root of All Evil

I love how people find excuses for anything. Take video games for instance. Do video games cause aggression in kids? I doubt it. I have played video games my whole life and never tried jumping on people’s head or shooting fire balls at turtles. And pretty much the majority of kids are perfectly fine as well. They know what’s real and what is not. There is no such thing as floating brick with question marks, mushroom people or green sewers that pop out of the ground and lead you to level seven.

I’m making this up but let’s say there is Trevor who kills his mother with some lawn darts. Noisy people blame it on Doom or Lawn Darts the Video Game because they imitate what they see and its gets them all mad and fired up. Screw that! Every one finds a reason except that he’s just fucking crazy.

And there are a slew of other supposedly bad influences like heavy rock music or violent films like Full Metal Jacket or Bambi.  They play the whole blame game. The thing is what would happen to Trevor if he is locked in a bomb shelter and never played video games or any other media. He would still be messed up. He would probably turn out even worse with nothing to vent his frustration or anger.

Kids learned violence throughout history long before video games or gansta rap music.  My dad watched Cow Boy and Indians as a child. He and his friends would play with wooden guns and swords and never tried to kill Natives or even squirrels. When I play Mario Kart I don’t get frustrated and start my mom’s car and drive down the highway leaving a trail of banana peels and turtle shells behind me.

So what cause aggression? A number of things. Abusive parents, being teased at school, drugs or anything really. So what is okay and what is not. Can Trevor play Risk or Putt Put the Game? How about Zelda because there is a slew monsters and even people Link kills. And then there is Quake. Does the child become aggressive from all of that shooting and become a weapon of evil? But wait; there are warnings on the game pretty much saying not for children or Grandmothers. P.S. I love how people sensor the middle finger now, so stupid.

So a worried mother should teach their own kids what is wrong or right and what is real or not and not try to shield a kid from anything they find reckless behavior. You know why, these kids become giant pussies because their parents sheltered them their whole life and they miss out on something fun and even stimulating that is much more interactive than television. Anyway I’m playing cup and ball and I’m fucking pissed off that I can’t get the mother fucking ball in the mother fucking cup. Eeeerrrr! I feel like breaking something!

This Rocks!

I loved music before I was even born. I pretty much listened to whatever my dad listened to. I really loved the Beach Boys, Beatles, ACDC and anything new wave and electronic. And I still do. As I got older I was more into more heavy metal with Rage Against the Machine, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Pearl Jam and Nirvana. I like punk music like Green Day and Blink 182. And I also listened to some Rap music like Wutang Clan or Ruff Ryders. In addition I love my one hit wonders.

I love all music except country or jazz. Country is depressing and jazz is just random. There are one or two good songs I like once in a while like I Need You Now by Lady Antebellum. I like to listen to different kinds of music depending on my mood and where I’m at. I like classical music for a movie like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings but I would never listen to hip hop while watching Star Wars. And I would listen to hip hop at a club but not Beethoven. I like listening to rap metal when I’m feeling angry or want to get pumped up for hockey. And I listen to Cold Play when I go under the tree and cry.

My musical abilities are useless but I can play a mean triangle and tambourine. In grade school I played the cello because you can sit down and feel comfortable. Also my two other classmates who played the cello took music lessons and so I just faked it. And I was good. I’d close my eyes, sway my head and pretend to use my fingers. Then I got a guitar a few years ago and I thought I would get lessons and play it every day. Now it’s just lying there in the corner with a broken string.

At college we had a music sharing program like Napster only for the campus. It was quick and easy. I had every single good song there was. I think I had over 4000 songs. And then my computer crashed and I lost everything. So I started from scratch and used Limewire only to loose it all again from non porn related viruses this time. So now I only have 700 songs on my Ipod and I’m starting to get sick of all of my songs. I’ve been listening to a lot pop and techno music now. If I had to choose my three favorite bands they’d be ACDC, Pink Floyd and Matthew Good Band.

ACDC is the greatest band ever. My favorite songs are Thunderstruck, Back in Black and Highway to Hell. Every time I hear Thunderstruck on the radio I say this songs rocks and head bang. Back when I wrestled, I would listen to ACDC and Rage Against the Machine to pump me up for the next match. I would love to see them in concert.

Pink Floyd is the best band to listen to while you’re stoned. They have the trippiest songs like Wish You Were Here, Hey You or the Wall. I love the Jukebox at Two Amigos that has the best of Pink Floyd album. I love playing Shine on you Crazy Diamonds, Sheep and Echoes. This is over a half an hour of Pink Floyd. The waiter actually turned if off and said stop playing bad music and she didn’t even give me my two bucks back.

One of coolest things to do while stoned is watch the movie Wizard of Oz in mute and play the Dark Side of the Moon. Every thing is synchronized. The lyrics are describing what is happening in the movie. You can hear the Tin Man’s heart beating or the bells ring at the same time. The coolest part is once you go into Munchkin land the song Money plays and all of the midgets are dancing to it.

Matthew Good Band is the most under rated bands from Canada. My favorite album is Under Dogs and that’s exactly what they are. The band is sort of an alternative rock and has a very unique sound The whole album Under Dogs is great with Apparitions; Everything is Automatic and Indestructible. Defiantly download other songs like Load Me Up, Hello Time Bomb and Antipop.

So there was karaoke at Two Amigos and I was wasted. My friends pressured me to get up there and try it out. They chose Phil Collins for whatever reason. I would rather listen to Ghost Busters. Now I cannot sing worth a damn except for Sing to the Mountains at church. And normally I’d be nervous and have stage fright but I was really drunk. So I was basically yelling the song and the bouncer actually stopped me half way through and I’m like no I’m not finished!

Bad guys, bad guys, whatcha’ going to do? Whatcha’ going to do when they come for you?

Cops used to be one of my long time favorite shows. Is it still on? What I don’t get is why do they bring a camera man along? I mean does the camera man follow the cops for days at a time. He must get pretty pissed off with no action. The guy is like dammit! Nobody is committing any crimes. I hope we get lucky tonight; maybe a domestic violence or a drunk driver or even a homicide. That could launch my career and who knows I might be camera man on a real program like House & Home Media

I bet you every time something happens when the cops give their speech. I’m Dave, I’ve been working on the force for twelve years and I think I’m making difference. Whats this we have a code 27 at London and Murphy? Let’s roll. Mam, have you been drinking? She’s like yes, I mean no.

Why do they have fat camera men? Every time there is a pursuit on foot they can’t keep up. It’s like they’re Darth Vader and all you can hear is whooo, paa, whoopa. Dammit they hoped the fence, if only I stop eating so many Big Macs or hit the gym I could keep up.

I never understand why criminals are so stupid. For instance why would they try to drive away from the cops and end up in a hot pursuit or high way chase? Do they think they could actually get away? This is life, not the game Grand Theft Auto. The cops can see your car and license plate so you better move to Mexico. And the worst part is they endanger other people lives. Maybe that’s why they are a criminal in the first place. I’ve heard that one guy speeding away because of a parking ticket.

The bad guys are a hilarious mix of white trash rednecks, crack heads and thugs. I love theirs stories like a person borrowing a car or that the ice is actually baking soda. It’s funny how racists the cops are. I saw one officer pull over a black guy riding a bike because he had a hunch. Sure enough he did have coke on him. This was totally racial profiling. The problem with most suspects is they rob or run away because of a drug problem. If they legalized drugs we wouldn’t have this criminal behavior.

I’ve been stopped by the police tons of times. I did a rolling stop when I was delivering pizzas and the cop asks if I stopped. And I said yes. And he was like okay. One time I didn’t stop at this corner where nobody stops at. And there was a cop right behind me. I was so nervous I was shaking. Really shaking. Thank Jebus I got off with a warning.

One of my scariest times ever was when I was going over the bridge to the States. Well I see a police dog up the line I started to freak out. Sometimes I leave weed in my pockets. So I check out my pockets and what a relief. Well the dog starts barking me and I’m like fuck off dog. I think my brother left some crumbs of weed or ashes on the floor. So they pull me over and did all of these tests and finally let me go. Thank Buda.

I think every knows about when I almost got busted for DUI. I was drinking at home and had five beers within an hour and I thought to go meet up my friends at Two Amigos. There I had only one beer and I felt completely fine. Well I gave the guys a ride home and for whatever reason I stopped and my buddy threw a garbage can in the middle of the road. Sure enough there was a cop in the church parking lot down the road. And I knew the cops like to stake there. So the sirens go off and I pull over and went over the curb. So I went to the police car while he interrogated my friends. All they said was I only drank one beer at the bar. Which is true? But I didn’t even have a full license and wasn’t supposed to have any. So he asked some questions and I think he knew my dad from soccer and I got off. My dad always says don’t go for brownie points and not tell the officer you had only so much. Even if you say you had one they have to give you a breathalyzer. Good thing I still have my license after all of this because how else would I be able get some warm Big Macs and a cold large Pepsi.

The Guinness Book of World Records.

I’m not much of a competitive person. I never get mad if I lose a hockey game or that a girl can throw farther than me. Unless it involves money.  I do love the poker though. Competition is good is some ways such as the NHL or who can toss the dwarf the farthest. And most people want to be famous; whether they are a movie star or athlete. And some people are so desperate for ether one.  That’s where the Guinness Book of World Records comes in.

Some records are honored such as the fastest person or the first person on the moon or even the fattest man not to leave his bed. The thing is that these record holders don’t even try to get in the Guinness Book for the sake of being in a book. They are either famous already or strive to accomplish something great without such petty recognition.

It’s sad when people try so damn hard to be in the Book of Records. I mean people devote their lives to get into a book nobody really gives a shit about. A book with your name and maybe a picture. It’s almost like your high school yearbook. It’s nice to see your own picture and signatures every once in a while but nobody else really gives a shit.

Record holders are a mix of feats, extraordinary people, oddities and people who try too hard. What I mean by feats is something like who can set themselves on fire the longest or hold the record for having the highest blood alcohol level while driving a school bus. Extraordinary people are like the strongest man with steroids. Oddities are like freaks such as the guy who has the most tattoos, longest nails or smelliest body odor. And people who try too damn hard are nothing but losers.

Some records are so very sad. I remember watching this guy on television who made a gigantic a ball out of elastics bands. It became an obsession and it took him around five years to make. So when he finished they wanted to see what would happen if they dropped it out of an airplane. It just disintegrated. He wasted five years of his life for all of this. What sadder is the guy is trying to outdo him.

There seems to be a record for anything. For example there is the guy who can eat the most hot dogs in a minute. But what about the guy who can eat the most sausages in two minutes? They should have regulations such as who can eat the most pork products in five minutes, period.

There are even some records nobody will ever try beat because they are so silly like person who can say the rosary the most or chew gum the longest. Or even the person who watched the movie the Snow Dogs the most. I think I should hold the record for the laziest person ever. That could be me except I’m too lazy to even bother getting a hold of the good people at Guinness Book of World Records.

There are a lot records for extreme sports such as base jumping. I don’t think people should promote such reckless behavior. There are records for dare devils who risk their lives and narrowly cheat death just to hold a record. I don’t think the good people at Guinness hold records for people who died trying to beat a record.

There are even records for no apparent reason like pulling a truck with your nose. Who the fuck thought of doing this in the first place? Hey man I dare you to pull that ice cream truck with my ears?

There are the pity records for disabled or handicap people. Like the first blind man to drive a car or the first deaf person to sing the National Anthem. Or even the highest SAT score for a retard.  

Even Sarnia used to be in there as the kissing capital of the world because a couple of thousands’ couples had nothing better to do. But we were eventually outdone and Sarnia is left being known only for the Chemical Valley and highest asthma rates in Canada. Coincidence?

There is actually a man who got the record for most records. Anyway I’m striving to be the oldest person to live in their parent’s basement. Or the record for the person who consumed the most coffee in one year. And even the first person to eat the most Big Macs and have the most heart attacks without dying. So keep your fingers crossed.

Je ne Parle pas Francais

So as you all know, Canada is a bilingual country. Why?  I forget. I think the French had an agreement to form a country with the rest of the English speaking settlers and keep their French language and culture.

Quebecers whine a lot and always threatens to separate from Canada. Fuck them; let them form their own country. See how well they do without our support.

I hate their language. Why do they have male and female words? And they have these endings such as “vous avez.” There are just too many unnecessary words. I think the letter “a” is much easier than une or un. I can’t even say them differently. And they talk backwards like Yoda such as saying bar chocolate. Or Chocolat, de film.

So I hate the fact that we have two names or writings on all of our products such as on cereal boxes. I’m sure they understand Lucky Charms by looking at the box. (In French) "What are these marshmallows and symbols I have no fucking idea what kind of cereal this is?" What a waste of space on my box.  It’s like we have to put French warnings because a French person might now know not to look into the laser pointer. Or why are there two Zelda manuals despite the fact that the game is only in English. Does anyone notice this? They read the manual and are like what the fuck is a master sword?

I think French immersion is the worst idea ever. So to keep you up to date, a lot of schools are becoming French immersion which means they teach in French at school and let their parents teach them English at home. Why the fuck would they do that? I don’t know.

Most of the teachers speak English. That means teachers must learn French quick if they want to keep their jobs. Or do we get new teachers that can speak French?

It would be much easier just to teach all of the French students with English immersion than the other way around. Think of the math. For sake of argument let’s say 80% percent of students are English, 15% French and the rest are other languages. So think of it this way. All the French kids will know English and the English kids will know French. Hmm.

I don’t know the numbers but aside from Chinese, I think English is the most popular language and is getting more predominant world wide. I would rather know Japanese or Spanish. I mean how many French speaking countries are there?

I would much rather be good at English than good a French and okay at English. It’s going to confuse all of the kids. You have these kids mixed up in two languages. He would be like jeu want chololat icream. How do you tell what’s English and what’s French. And I wonder how they think with two languages?

Now it’s up to the parents or parent to teach their kids English. Some parents are too busy or just not good teachers. And how can you help out with homework because the parents don’t know a fucking word of French. It’s like your kid coming home speaking sign language and you have no clue what’s he is saying and you like look you are a fucking retard.

With school, homework, English lessons, chores, sports, the children have no leaser time and are totally swamped. Where do they have time to play with other kids or play Nintendo? That’s not a happy childhood. I would hate them watching Simpsons in close captioning. He said doo! Not due!

And finally why are they teaching French immersion? Because they can get government jobs and such. That’s as far as I know. The thing is that these jobs requiring bilingualism are going to be filled up and thus there was no point taking French Immersion at all.  Now the person is left with broken English and a useless language. Worst idea, I really want to see how this plays out?

Ha-ha Michael Jackson is Dead.

I like some of Michael Jackson’s music. I like Beat it and Smooth Criminal and covers of those songs. I respect the man’s music but not the man, or whatever his is.

Okay I feel bad that he never had a childhood. But lots of people have had bad childhoods and they got over with it. Grow up. He use to act like he is fucking Peter Pan and called his former home Nederland. It’s like he has midlife crisis only he has third-life crisis and wants to be a young boy forever.

Jacko was clearly insane as you can see by his debauchery of plastic surgery.  So your dad called you big nose, it doesn’t mean you should chop it off. Each time he had surgery he looks less of a man to this freak with no nose and an ever changing chins like he is fucking Potato Head.  And he totally denied having plastic surgery. People notice your shrinking nose and how your skin magically went from black to white almost instantly.

So he supposedly had vitiligo. (Editors note: Microsoft Word doesn’t know that there is a word vitiligo. I’m sick of all this underline crap). Vitiligo is white patches of skin, not the whole body in a matter of days. Vitiligo, yeah right. I think he is giving the black community the finger and wants to be white. But not caucasian white, I’m talking white white. Even Stics is darker than him. I think he also took estrogen and stuff to make his voice so high.

So Jacko did a Pepsi commercial and his hair caught on fire. Apparently he was given pain killers. And these fucked him up good. His doctor doesn’t care how much he gives because he must have made a fortune off of Jacko.

So he had his grand ranch that looks like a theme park with ferris wheels (Editors note: again my computer never knew the existence of a ferris wheel) go carts and animals. Anything to attract kids. Not entertain friends or adults I talking children So unless you’re deluding yourself, he is a total pedophile. Which in prison is worse than rape or murder. I know I said this before that you are who you are; but fuck that and fuck Jacko. I’m sure this will piss off his fans but it’s the truth. He was a pedophile.

He used to sleeps with young boys. He actually said something like it’s beautiful to share your bed with boys. He admitted it. Now just think how fucking crazy that sounds. Would you let your son sleep with Mike? If so it’s only because you’re willing to trade your boy’s innocence for some cash.

Have you ever heard other grown men sleeping in the same bed with kids? He John, the wife is away and I wanted to know if little Timmy wants to come over? Oh hi Ted, does your son want to have his friends over for a sleep over? Yes and I will be joining them. I want to share my bed with young boys and give them alcohol. Well Ted have a good one.

Honestly he is a fucking pedophile. But he was above the law. Nobody could send him to prison; the fans wouldn’t let it happen. I’m happy he went broke after all of his spending sprees and his kids can lead a normal life without him dangling them out of a fucking window.

Celebrities

I always wanted to rich but never famous. Popularity is one thing. I have become known as the guy who always goes for long walks around town to smoke some weed. Having lots of friends are cool too but I think I rather just have really good friends like my Hogan friends and Quentin Taratino. Me and Quentin go way back. It was my idea in Reservoir Dogs to not show the actual bank robbery but instead let the audience fill in the gaps.

I love having lots of people visit my site to make them laugh, vent my thoughts and just to listen to me. It’s really fun and something to do. I hope to have my own web site some day and who knows what could happen.

I would never want to be even semi famous. It would be really annoying to be out in public and everybody is bugging you. It would be hard to go for a jog or go to the Grocery store. I saw Jim Leah at McDonalds and I was staring at him to find out if that is really him. But I didn’t say anything because all the man wanted is a damn Big Mac and Chicken Mcnuggets. Mmm I’m craving a Big Mac and McFlurry right now. But one guy started asking him all these questions. And remember Booger from the Revenge of the Nerds? He is definitely typecast and I heard that people still call him Booger.

I would never want to be in the spot light. Look at what happened to poor Lindsay Lohan. She lost her career and yet everywhere she goes the paparazzi follow her. I mean she just wants to go to a club and do some coke and drink till she passes out. She is also above the law in some ways. Lindsay why do you crash into the palm tree? Because I was drunk. But I did some coke to even it out. Oh, call a cab next time. The thing is I wonder if she wants the attention and be on every magazine. Anyway I think she has 14 minutes and 22 seconds left of fame and will end up spending all of her money she made acting on coke and live in some crummy apartment building

If I could meet any celebrities it would be Will Ferrell. He’s my favorite actor; I love his style; he makes me laugh. Anchorman, Zoolander, Old School are just some of the funniest movies ever. I even liked Stranger than Fiction. I loved him as Mustafa in Austin Powers when he falls into the pit of fire and is very baldly burned. But what would I say or do with him? I would tape and takes pictures of me with Will, smoke some weed and do a lot of drinking at the most exclusive clubs.

Drunken Sailors

So I was at Wal-Mart and there were these Canadian Navy recruiters at the front of the door. Just like last week when little Timmy needed money to replace the wheel on his wheel chair I just passed by without a word or even eye contact. Why would someone want to live of a ship for months at a time? I don’t know. It would be like working at Wal-Mart 24/7 for three months and you sleep under the cash register. Seriously, how boring would that be? Can you get laid or even jerk off. It would be a homo’s fantasy showering with other men, wearing sailor uniforms and being in close quarters with men all the time. I know they have this don’t ask don’t tell policy. But it’s pretty easy to spot the gay guy. You know he’s gay if he listens to the Village People or read Cosmopolitan. What would they do for fun anyway? Do they have Super Nintendo or foosball? Hey guys its movie night and we are having a Snow Dogs marathon with some cola and popcorn! Yeah baby! Do they write to their spouses on facebook while their spouses are cheating on them? Honestly I think I rather live in prison.  I don’t even know what they do exactly anyway? Protect our borders or fire at Green Peace? Hey guys we got some action! All men to their stations we have spotted a whale that needs our help. No wait its just Rosy Odonnell.

Internet Bullies

Do you ever notice that it’s easy for people to make fun of other people on the internet? Because they will never come across the person who they are trying to burn and not get their ass kicked. For instance; I’m playing World of Warcraft and these two guys are trying to rip on me. My character’s name is Potthed and I wish I could change it now because drugs are bad. They said nice name and you’re cool. Are they being sarcastic? Sorry I like pot and couldn’t think of a better name. And guess what they’re names were. One guy’s name is Secondaidkit. Ha-ha hilarious. It’s a play on words; it’s like first aid kit only second. Ha-ha. And the other guy has some incomprehensible mess of constinates like some Russian hockey player. (I don’t know how you spell constinates because word check keeps underlining it and is not giving me any alternatives). One guy said my mom is bad. Yes that’s it. Your mom is bad. Is that a stupid mother joke, I don’t know. It’s like a retard trying to make you look stupid. And they keep writing abbreviations of words. I understand u, r, np, wtf and others, but they do this to every single fucking word. And I’m like wtf is js? So I’m trying to play and they start calling me black and all of these racist names. I guarantee they would never say that to a black person in public. They would need a second aid kit. Ha-ha that never gets old. And apparently I got owned and called a newbie. Oh boo hoo I’m being made fun of some nerd that has spent his life playing a video game. So sorry if I don’t know what js is or that I shouldn’t use an axe with plus 50 spell power if I’m a hunter. So I finally blocked them because I’m the middle of playing and sick of responding to them. This is Warcraft not Sims.

Liar LiarLiar

So there is this douche, John, at poker that nobody likes for several reasons. One is that he is an idiot that doesn’t know how to player. He just doesn’t understand the odds. Several times I hear him say oh I was one card away from a straight or oh I needed another spade. Dude if you have four spades by the turn and are hoping for another one than you have less than one in four chances of winning. However he gets lucky too and that pisses off people.

He also gets too excited when he wins. Way too excited. And it pisses off the other players. The only thing that I get too excited for is a twelve case of beer, ice cream and a new episode of South Park.

And he is a complete liar and a cheapskate. Every time we play pool he has no money or 50 cents. And he told me several times he pay for the next game tomorrow. Never happened. He also smokes weed with us but never has is own.

He also asked me to give him a ride back to his place so he can get more money. He said he’d buy me a beer. So we get back to the bar and he’s drinking rye and cokes I ask him about my beer and he’s say in a bit. Well I asked him three times and gave up. Normally I say fuck it, he can’t afford it but he was still drinking. So after that I would never say a word to him. Good thing he’s leaving town. Unless its one more of his lies.

So we were talking about this guy and one dude says don’t get me started. Apparently this guy was running a charity poker tournament for the Inn of the Good Shepard and needed prizes. John said he has a 40 inch television he was willing to donate. Well he has been trying to get a hold of John for over a month and John finally says he doesn’t have it anymore. So the poor guy had two weeks to get a first place prize.

This reminds of Dan Jones, a professional liar. He was complete bullshit all of the time. If he was Pinocchio his nose would be twelve feet and dragging on the ground.

One time he told us there is this huge barn party and he was going to give us directions. So we drove around searching for this allusive party. We couldn’t find it because there was no barn party.

He also came up with this story about a blind friend of his. He claimed to have gone to the movies with him and the blind friend says something like why would I go I can’t see anything anyway. He also said he was feeding his dog treats when you are not suppose to. You know what is creepy? There was no blind friend, just a stupid story that isn’t even funny.

He also steals a slew of other people’s jokes or stories and tries to make them his own. He told us one joke that supposedly happened to him. Well liar I also saw that joke on the comedy channel. Next time just say you heard of this joke from a comedian.

He also says he is making his own business a couple of times. One was as pretzel store. We all got sick of his lies and stopped being friends with him. Well he calls Stics out of the blue about one more of his business ventures and asked what kind or computers to get. Hey don’t make something up about computers and just say hey how’s it going, it’s been a while do you want to have drinks sometimes?

Of course once he’s drunk he becomes Don Quixote and starts making up shit. Such as he’s going on Space Shuttle and needs someone to take care of his baby panda while his in outer space working on a classified experiment that would change the world as we know it.

Take Your Stinking Paws off me you Damned Dirty Ape!

So I just watched Planet of the Apes with my Dad on Saturday. I think w spent like $50 bucks between us for tickets and food. My dad got a seniors discount. But they never ask if you are a senior. It’s like asking a fat chick if she is pregnant. We tried to buy a combo but my dad and me and the cashier were all clearly confused. I should have just sneaked in some gummy bears, skittles, Redbull and a grill cheese sandwich.

A movie we could download and buy our own pop and popcorn with as much butter as we wanted. And I wouldn’t have that annoying feeling that I have pee and must decide what’s more important; peeing or not missing a part. I decide to watch to movie.

A good movie that could possibly lead to a sequel. I mean its called Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Remember midiclorians or whatever the fuck they are from the Phantom Menace? They pulled one. There were a couple of scenes where you think its going to lead to something but nothing ever happened. One guy just died and that was it.

So the father from Third Rock from the Sun is some old guy dying from Alzheimer’s and his son is a scientist that is looking for a cure. Same idea in Deep Blue Sea except they’re giving genius pills to monkeys and not sharks.

What would having Alzheimer’s be like?  I don’t know if you can remember only the past and not the future or what? I would probably live in Shady Pines old people homes because nobody would want to take care of me. It must be frustrating for the caregivers having to explain everything over and over again. Where is my Nintendo 64 Nancy? Greg my name is Carol and the Mario Kart for the Nintendo 64 doesn’t work anymore. Greg how about SuperMagacon 4D? No bitch I want to play Mario Kart! They don’t make video games like they use to. And where is my son Paul? Greg, you never had a son. You never married and your family is dead. Then get me a damn Big Mac Kerry! And who keeps stealing my money Suzy? Greg why not watch Snow Dogs 11; you wrote a note saying how good it is and if you can’t remember than it’s like you never seen it before. Well Snow Dogs saga are good movies Blanche.

So Harry Osborn is giving monkeys genetically alternating pills. Dude your father the green goblin already made this mistake. So not a good idea. I rather test it on hamsters. Because if hamsters somehow break out of their cages and run muck, you deserve to die. But no they try on monkeys. They’re doing experiments and the monkey has gone from, four year old to a six year old in day. A six year old to my intelligence then to a 9 year old in a day to finally a genius.

I haven’t seen the classic movies the Planet of the Apes in a while. I don’t remember much but what a great movie with Moses himself Charleston Heston. So in 2006 Heston and his crew try to go at life speed and are hibernating or something and land on a planet in the future.  A planet where the apes rule and the man is enslaved. Dun dun duun! By the way sweet costumes, I wonder what they did with them. It’d make a nice Halloween costume.

So Heston meets up with some wild humans who can’t talk and aren’t the sharpest javelins. He tries leaves a revolt or something and he hooks up with a perfect ten. I would definitely choose this really hot chick over beer and video games any day. Too bad she can’t speak. But on other hand you wouldn’t have to hear her bitching. I assume Heston made monkey love to her but if she can’t talk it would be like to raping a deaf mute. Unless she bends over and gives the signal.

So at the end of the movie he finds the CN tower and freaks out when he realizes it was Earth all along. You fools! Damn you fools!

Goonies Never Say Die

So I was kicking Horde ass in the wonderful World of Warcraft and decided to watch the Goonies on my portable DVD player while I played. What an awesome movie! Me and my brother and the neighborhood kids would watch it all of the time on our Betamax. It was made by Steven Spielberg, one of my favorite movie makers. I never cared much for E.T. but I loved Jurassic Park, A.I. and Indiana Jones among others.

The plot is that these kids, who live on the Goondocks, find a map and go for one last crazy adventure to find One Eyed Willies treasures. There are some douche rich people who are buying everyone’s homes to make way for a golf course. And unless the Goonies find a way to pay for their homes they will have to leave. Which isn’t good.

Now I have a problem of reading way to much into a movie and it’s easy to be a critic. But I have some issues. I never knew you could just buy out someone’s home. If one person didn’t want to lose their homes then you can’t just kick them out. This isn’t India. So they would end of making a nice profit and buy an even better house down the road and maybe get a three year golf membership too.

So they’re moving out of the house because of the gold course. Where is the moving truck anyway? I never noticed it. Why did they wait till the last second when moving? Are they just going to throw away their furniture and valuables? They could have at least had a garage sale or donate stuff to the Goodwill. And so Data mentions that his family might move to Detroit. Great choice. Why don’t they move down the block? I don’t know.

I love all of the characters, especially Chuck. He he’s the best. You guys, I'm hungry. I know when my stomach growls there's trouble. He’s played by Jeff Cohen and I saw a picture of him in IMDB and wow he’s skinny and not bad looking, nothing like the fat kid he played.

I love the truffle shuffle Chuck must do to get into Rudy’s home. What I don’t get is the whole mousetrap contraption that opens a door. Cool but necessarily. How did everyone else get inside? Did they hop the fence? Data had to use that zip line to get inside.

Mouth has the best lines. I mean his name is Mouth. So he speaks Spanish to the moving lady and tells her where they keep the drugs or where Rudy’s father keeps his sex torture toys. I didn’t understand any of this as a kid.

Data is awesome too. I love his gadgets and his poor English. I really like his whole punch glove thing that pops out of his chest. How does he fit the glove in his chest? I don’t know. He is like Inspector Gadget only Chinese and not a complete retard. .I think it would be much easier to carry some mace. What other gadgets does he have? Who knows? I think he has a ray gun that steals people’s souls. But that’s just me.

I wonder how they did Sloth’s make up. Nice name. Or is he actually a mutant freak like Rosie Odonnell. His eyes are completely messed up. I think everybody’s favorite line is Hey You Guys! There are a lot of hidden advertisements, such as Sloth saying Baby Ruth. Data is wearing Nike shoes. You see Pepsi drinks at couple of times and Chuck saying Dominoes, my favorite.

So the gang makes it past all of these booty traps, come across Chester Copperpot. Who hardly made it anywhere. They later find themselves underneath some pipes. Pipes that someone must have built years ago. Then they make it to a wishing well, that they could have just used and bypass all of these booby traps. A well that someone has dug up years ago.

So they go through all of these passage ways and obstacles while being chased by the Fratellis. They finally go down these slides which looks really fun and make it to the Ship. I have never seen a skull or skeleton in real life but the idea looks scary to me. But I think after seeing a dozen skeletons you’d get use to it. Like a mortician. So they loaded up with riches until the Fratellis catch up and demand they let go all of their riches. I realize they’re evil but why not just let the Goonies go with what they can carry and get busy grabbing all of rest of this treasure.

So the cave magically breaks open because the bad guys set off a trap. Everyone goes through all of this trouble and booby traps to find out the whole ship was hidden inside a cave with a narrow outer wall the whole time. So the cleaning lady found a sack of rubies, worth enough to pay off the golf course owner douche bags. And then the ship with millions of treasures just sails away. And everyone sees it and just sit there cheering. I don’t know about you but I think I would not just sit and watch the ship worth millions sail away without getting the biggest boat I could find and claming all of the riches.

By the way there are like a 50 goofs, mistakes and continuity errors on IMDB. They are real funny and I had never noticed any of them until I watched it over again. I like the one where at the end of the movie the falling rocks float on the water. Or when they are jumping off the ship Data jumps twice. And Mickey accidentally calls Brandon by his real name Josh.

Harry Pothead

My dad has all of the Harry Pothead movies but I haven’t got around to watching them all. I did watch the final one with my dad and brother at the theatre. I loved it. I also started reading the first novel the Sorcerers Stone but I got bored.

It was of course written by Rawlings. I have heard she was so poor that she resorted to writing the stories on napkins in a coffee shop. I also heard that Harry Pothead begun as a bed time story that she would tell to her children. Now she’s rich and famous and can use a super computer and use napkins for wiping her mouth after eating some caviar. I wonder if she will write any more books as successful as Harry Pothead.

Wow did they grow up fast. Emma Watson is now 21, and is fair game now in my books. I wonder what will become of the cast. Do you think the actor behind Harry will become type cast? I mean he could star in a serious drama and the audience thinks he’s going cast a spell or turn someone into a frog.

I think I’d be a horrible wizard because I’d say the spell wrong. One of the problems is that I sort of mumble a lot. In my head I sound like a coy James Bond but when I hear myself on tape I sound like a stuttering cartoon character. It’s a combination of things; I talk too fast and don’t leave a pause between words. And mispronounce long or complicated words. I also have a slight accent because I watch television more than I talk to people. For example I was talking to some chick in school about terrorists and I said I’m surprised they haven’t blown up buses yet. She thought I was saying bosses and after the third time I said you know b u s e s as in school bus. And she’s like oh right. Now I know what you’re thinking, Stickley or whoever, don’t bother making any comments because I will erase them anyway.

So if I was a wizard I would probably not pronounce the spell right and turn someone into a stapler. It would be cool though to have all of these spells.  I would probably end up fat and lazy because I would say Bigmacuritha every time I want a Big Mac. It could get dangerous too. You might want to want to water the flowers but instead cause a level four tsunami. It would be boring reading the whole spell books. I’d read the Coles notes and get right to the interesting spells. Like the one that turns rocks into gold or the one that makes hot girls like you and do two chicks at the same time.

I find it hilarious when all of these stupid religious nuts complain about Harry Pothead. They actually had to change the first title to the Philosophers Stone because of this. Hey idiots it’s fantasy. Wizards or witches are not real, nor does the book promote paganism. And if they are real I wouldn’t be afraid of their spells. Because nothing would happen. When you complain over a fictitious children’s novel that might go against your religion’s teachings you sound stupid.

It’s almost like the Salem witch trails, these Christians probably do believe in witch craft. It’s an actually legitimate religion that is a stupid as Scientology. But seriously the people who practice witchcraft are probably dorks that go out to the woods and pray to the dark lord Satan. Some fundamentalist have gone as far as burning the books. Ha jokes on you, you bought her books and she made money off them. She doesn’t give a shit if you burn some fucking book. Maybe they should recycle the books instead. What’s the worse that could happen if kids read Harry Pothead anyway? Oh my God, little Timmy has read a fairy tale novel and now joined a Satanism cult. Damn you Rawlings, damn you to Hell!

Milfiwd: Mother I’d Like to Fuck if I Was Drunk

My dad buys the worse movies because they are in the clearance bin. So my dad bought me the movie MILF the unrated experience for nine bucks. There is actually a label saying quality guaranteed. If this movie is passed by Rogers guaranteed then what movie isn’t. So I’ve never heard about it but I’m sure some boobs and drinking will make up for it. Good thing it’s not the rated version. Later on my mom walks by during a jerking off scene and asks what’s the heck is going on.

So there were a couple of trailers that are so bad they’re good. All made by the obscure movie production company Asylum. Where they should go to after making these horrible, horrible movies. Here are three tasteless movies.

Take Ballistica. First off I don’t like action movies with no story or plot. Second, they probably showed all of the good parts in the trailer anyway. Third any action fan loves big explosions. These were obviously computer generated.  Probably by some nerd using hyper card. I looked it up on IMDB to see the rating and it got a whopping three out of ten. I’ve seen better movies on Youtube by some kid and an Iphone.

I mean who the fuck would someone put up some cash to make this movie? Hey guys we got Paul Logan in what people are calling the next Matrix. No he’s Paul Logan. You’re thinking of Paul Hogan… the Australian guy. There is one scene where there is this flying bullet that magically falls right into his gun chamber. Hilarious.

Here is their actually summary: A man has been trained in a deadly form of hand-to-hand combat using ballistics and firearms. He is one of the few Americans who has perfected it, which makes him the CIA's best weapon against International Terrorism.

This has to be one of the funniest shit I ever heard. It’s so corny. I don’t even know if they realize what hand to hand combat means. Hand to hand combat is using your fists or your body. Ballistics and firearms are not hand to hand combat. Dumbasses.

Then came another preview by the same people at Asylum called Airline Disaster. Good name, real creative. Guess what review they got. Two. I wonder if the movie makes enough money to cover their crack addiction because they are clearly on it. If Snakes On A Plane flopped then think how bad this movie is. It’s not even straight to VHS, download or on late night television. They use is straight to disc shooting.

Here is their summary: When the President learns that domestic terrorists have skyjacked the passenger jet her brother is flying, she must choose between family and the safety of the people in the cities below.

Hey idiots it’s called hijacking not skyjacking. So yes they show an airplane that is hitting a building. Real nice and sensitive to all of these people affected by Nine Eleven. Was this made in Afghanistan? I hope the whole crew gets hit by poisonous hale. That’s like making a movie about when Haiti was struck by the earthquake and showing people losing their homes and starving.

Titanic was an awesome movie. It happened a long time ago so I don’t feel bad about the victims. Then Asylum made Titanic Two. It should be called Titanic 1.8 because that’s the rating they got.  Is that even possible? Could they get negative two? To put into perspective, I’d give Rosie O’Donnell a two. If I was completely drunk.

Here is their summary. On the 100th anniversary of the original voyage, a modern luxury liner christened "Titanic 2," follows the path of its namesake. But when a tsunami hurls an ice berg into the new ship's path, the passengers and crew must fight to avoid a similar fate. I also heard the line “its seems like history is repeating itself” in the preview.

Why the fuck would the Titanic Two cross the ocean during a tsunami? We have the weather network and Doppler 3000 to indicate if there is a storm brewing. It would be more plausible if they just got hit by the tsunami. I mean icebergs are really heavy. And why wouldn’t they just move out of the way? We have the technology and satellites to see incoming icebergs. And I’m sure someone on this massive ship would have Rogers and call for help and get airlifted.

So I’m drinking alone and watching the movie Milf or Mother I’d Like to Fuck. I quote the cover: a new sexy comedy classic in the tradition of the Hangover and Superbad! I thought it was by the creators of Superbad. I was wrong. So terribly wrong. It was like one long porno video. A really bad porno video, with no production values. Good thing I’m drinking because it is almost unbearable to see. So bad I started to watch television while I watch the movie just to see how it pans out.

Its worst than American Pie Old Age Home Unrated. Right off the bat the dude walks into his friend’s house and sees his mother completely naked. This was like in Who’s the Boss where Tony Danza sees Angela naked; but not funny. This scene was clearly done for people too nervous to go to the adult store. And they weren’t even that nice.

So like a million other movies the geeks want to get laid. I don’t even know if they had auditions. It’s like they did eeny meeny miny mo. And I bet they found the actresses right off of the street and paid them with new boob jobs and lots of coke. The one dude is so bad at acting but I think they couldn’t redo production and were stuck with him.

So one scene they’re playing video games and are clearly not playing video games. They should actually be playing Call of Duty and not look like they are just randomly mashing buttons. You can actually see them stopping during every line or looking away for an inordinate amount of time.

There are so many continuity errors and mistakes. One shot shows him on the right side of the other guy and then he’s on the other side in the next scene. Or the background and extras are moved around. And there are so many oh I caught my friend is fucking my mom, how awkward. This happens like seven times.

Remember the Stiffler? Just like how they copied the term milf off of American Pie they also had a Stiffler character. Only not funny. And they try to hard to be funny. I think there are like thirty cock jokes or jerking off jokes. Masturbating! That’s gold! And calling someone a fag a million times loses its meaning. There was no real ending. They kind of winged it with him getting the super anorexic girl.

Evolution

When you really get down to it the Universe is perfect. From the tiny molecule to the Milky Way. It’s the littlest things that make you wonder how they came to be. Could everything just be a coincidence? The other day I was watching these birds sitting on a power line and wondered if physics were any different than all the birds could be electrocuted and killed off. For instance take a look at all of the animals, we have:

Skunks stink

Pigs are fat

Giraffes are tall

Porcupines are prickly

Chameleons change color

Cheetahs are fast

Hamsters are cute

Petcocks are beautiful

Elephants are huge

Geese are annoying

Hyenas laugh

Camels we ride in the dessert

Parrots talk

You get the picture.

It’s funny how all of these animals have evolved.  I’ll give the Christians credit though; it sounds strange how all of these animals came to be, such as having eyes to see with. But evolution takes millions of years and has been pretty much been proven.

I wonder how the skunk became so smelly. Did they have bad body odor that got progressively worse and it started to scare away predators? I saw one in London about twenty feet away and I almost shat my pants. So I didn’t want to startle it and slowly backed off and ended up making a huge detour. That must suck to get sprayed. I’d used four bars of soap, 2 bottles of Axe deodorant and some tomato juice because I heard that helps.

Another strange animal is the porcupine. I wonder how they got their spikes. What if they got their own spikes stuck in themselves? I mean sex must be pretty dangerous. Sure the porcupine got laid but now has spikes sticking out of his balls.

I think it is the male peacock, ha cock, is the gender that has those pretty feathers. What purpose do pretty feathers serve other than getting some peacock poon? Did Sam grow them and used Axe and the peacock girls were all over him and now has lead to more children and a vasectomy.

I wish I could ride a horse around town. That’d be sweet. I’d go to Wal-Mart and ask where the stables are. Then they would have to clean aisle eight, nine and ten.  So I wonder who thought of jumping onto a horse and riding it. And I wonder how the horse felt. And then I wonder who thought of jumping onto a fucking beast with horns. Cowboys still ride bulls that clearly don’t want them on them. It’s so stupid, I hate cowboys.

I love beavers. The beaver of course is our cute national symbol. Much cooler than an eagle with male pattern baldness. If they were to fight in the octagon, I’d putt a hundred toonies on the Beave. Editor’s note: Microsoft Word is starting to piss me off. The spell check keeps saying I spelt something wrong when it is a real word such as toonies. They are the carpenter of animals. I wonder how they grew big teeth to chop wood and build damns. I hear they make great pets that can chop down trees or cut up wood for fires. Less noisy.  

Potbelly piglets may be cute, but like a some of those formally hot chicks in high school they become fat and ugly. It’s a good insult calling someone a pig, especially to insecure women. And even more to anorexic girls who after hearing that try to loose another ten pounds. I worked with this ugly girl that looked just like a pig. She was fat and had a hog nose. I think their only purpose they serve now is to taste great, whether you like ham or Canadian bacon.

My uncle has an African grey parrot. It can’t fly and pretty much spends all of its time in a cage. I feel bad for Judge (my uncle is a lawyer) for serving time. I use to give him packages to get him by. Anyway I wonder how they learned to talk. Was some pirate issuing jobs and his parrot suddenly talked. And everyone is like holy shit, the bird can talk! Bird can you say arrg a pirate me be. Instead of the whole Polly wants a cracker or Polly wants an oreo I’d teach it words like eat my shit or nice boobs. Nice boobs. Eat my boobs. Nice shit.

I hate Canadian geese. Like the cockoroach I wish they went extinct but are quite resilient. All they do is get in your way, make annoying sounds and shit green shit all over the place. Calling someone a silly goose should be like calling someone a goof. I’m not a big hunter but I’d shoot a baby goose right in the eye. I could probably go on about other interesting animals for forever but I’ll stop now.

I especially wonder how humans have come to be. I think animals get smarter and smarter. And eventually homo sapiens, ha homo, evolve and become us. When man started to walk up right it freed his hands. With these hands people can accomplish complex motions starting off with grabbing things and such to eventually making weapons.  If you have seen the movie Space Odyssey 2001 you know what I mean. We started to use our tongue for another and different reason: speech. With speech you can communicate intangible thoughts and ideas. Later on people went from living in caves or huts to civilization. And here we are. What I wonder is that have we reached the peak of intelligent life. Will we stay like this or will we evolve into something else. My bet is that we will become smarter, happier, and healthier and look more attractive but pretty much remain the same.

Is there life on other planets? I’m sure there is somewhere in the universe, but I highly doubt we will ever meet because the great distance. My own personal theory is that if there is intelligent life these aliens will look just like us. And that’s just me. If these aliens don’t look like us, then what would they look like then? You see other movies with these squid monsters. How can they even use a computer? Can they spell with their tentacles, tie there own shoes or open a can of Chef Boyardee? Of course there are the whole naked big eyed silver aliens. Why are they so skinny? Did they lose muscle because of relying on machines? Can they even do pushups or hold onto a case of Molson Canadian? If you look at earthlings then you see people are getting taller and larger. And we are getting really fat too.

I like the whole idea of genetics. Is it possible to play God and create your very own creatures with your own imagination? I’d make the Nover, a four legged animal with wings, six eyes, shoots out freeze rays and drink cold beers with you.

Geneses and the Bible

As you already know I’m a huge atheist. But I too use to believe in God and everything that came with it. In fact when I was a kid I was hardcore. I prayed every night and followed these stupid rules like no shopping on Sundays. As I got older I hated church just because it was so boring. Around sixth grade I started questioning the bible. And at grade eight I was an atheist. But I was forced to go to Confirmation. No worries I couldn’t give a shit if I was to receive the Holy Spirit and become an adult Christian. I actually had to have an hour long debate with my mom saying I don’t believe in God.

I have mixed feelings about religion. I could care less about the average Christian. I find them funny if anything. They’re good people and lead good lives. Which is great? Then are evangelists. I hate them. I’m not even sure that the priests or whatever you call them know they’re complete bullshit. Either way they’re greedy and give false hope. Then they force their children to believing this mess because they are so easily manipulated and molded at any early age. Watch the movie Jesus Camp if you don’t believe me.

But then there are lunatics who blow themselves up in the name of Allah. They actually believe they are doing good killing innocent people. People who might be their own nephew. Are the people that got killed and maimed evil then? With religion you can get people to do pretty much anything. Such as promise 72 hookers and a new Camry. Where did they come up with that number? I don’t know.

It’s funny but I think hardly any religious people have actually read the bible. Do they get the gist? The bible is like your manual to heaven. I think something as important as life itself and your whole faith might make you at least skim through the pages. The problem is that they should edit all of this fucking useless information and just get to the point. Or at least make the Coles notes on the Bible or Christians for Dummies.

Any who I wanted to talk about Geneses but I got way sidetracked. It’s just that once I start writing stuff, such as religion, I have way too much to say. Sega Geneses is the first and my favorite part of the bible.

The very first chapter is the creation story. Where the dude upstairs creates the world in six day and watched some football on Sunday. He creates the animals on day five. And the next day he created man. Remember this. Why did it take six days I don’t know? He creates like a million species but couldn’t get around to making the most important animal: man. So he had to go to work on Saturday but don’t worry it was wear Hawaiian shirt day. The bible doesn’t explain anything regarding dinosaurs. It’s proven that they were on Earth millions of years ago, long before humans have arrived.

The next chapter is called the Garden of Eden. Let the contradictions roll. It clearly states that man was created first and then the animals created after him. But wait, you may say that man was created after the animals in the Creation story but in the Eden story man was created before the animals. Read it if you don’t believe me.

But how could this be? Which story do I believe? Here’s a hint; neither one. One of my biggest points about the Bible is this: how can you then believe the rest of the Bible because clearly you can’t believe in many parts of it. You can’t just pick and choose what passages are supposed to be taken literally and what passages are not to be taken literally.

I don’t know how exactly the Universe was created. Our best bet is the Big Bang Theory. Ha what a good show. I love Sheldon. Do you ever notice that... ha just joking? If you follow Octum’s Razor than the best bet is the Bang theory. Having this entity we call God who creates the Universe leaves so many more questions unanswered. Many which science can’t solve? For instance, how was He created then?

Back to Eden. God performs the first surgery and makes a woman of out of one of Adam’s ribs while he was asleep. You’d think he would wake up but God probably gave him the first roofies. What the fuck? Even God can’t make a full person out a little bone. Do you see how silly this is to me?

So they’re in a garden and have it made. But God messes with them and says don’t eat any apples off of the knowledge tree. When you say something like that to toddlers they do exactly that. So yes, a magical apple that makes you smart. Why not just put a barb wired fence around the tree? So a talking snake entices the bitch to eat it and she shares it with Adam. And God, who knows it was going to happen anyway, is pissed. He takes away the snakes limbs but nobody explains how the snake lost its speech. So they’re kicked out of the garden. Why not just hop the fence back in? Because there is a sword protecting it. That’s right a sword. And where exactly is Eden anyway? I think by now people would stumble onto this oasis.

So Adam and Eve have two boys. Something is missing here. Where they fuck is the girl next door because it seems that our ancestors are all inbreed. What happens when Eve dies? Hmm, think about that? Oh but wait they lived like 800 years.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is Noah’s Arc. Come on people, think how completely ridiculous this is. Apparently man became evil. What do man do to be evil? Did they shop at the Gap on Sunday? So God floods the entire Earth. Why does little four year old Timmy do to fucking drown to death? I don’t know. I don’t see what the entire population of Earth did to drown? But He loves you.

So before the flood, Noah has a couple of weeks to construct this enormous arc out of wood that will hold two of every animal on Earth. Yes, he traveled the four corners of the world in a matter of days to catch the elusive polar bear and moose. He had to capture both sexes of every animal and transport to back safely to where to Jerusalem. Then he had to safely contain them in separate cages and feed the animals for forty days or some number.

 I guarantee he couldn’t catch two fucking lions, keep them in a cage and feed them for a week. So yes Noah and his family are the only people to survive. Again in order to man to survive we had to resort to freaky inbred shit. It’s impossible, it never happened. If it did, he probably saved two goats, some chickens, and Elephant for probably a week.

Do you see how utterly absurd the Bible is? The Bible was meant to explain things. It was made long before we had conventional science. Some of the parts teach hatred and are unethical. Reading it doesn’t make you a better person. So why not skip church, put the Bible in the recycling bin and have a nice picnic and appreciate all of the good things life has to offer.