The British Invasion

As you all know I’m born and raised Canadian and very proud of my country. In fact Canada is without a doubt the greatest nation in the world! My Dad was born in England but moved to Canada when he was little. And my mother’s ancestry goes way back to Belgian. Well I know nothing about Belgium but I am proud of my British heritage. So here is a roast all about the British.

I love English accents and wish I had one. I would like to say chip chip cheerio to everyone mate I meet. O I would like to say bloody Hell all the bloody time. Or when I spill my beer I like to say blimey. I do find it funny that when the Spice Girls sing I don’t notice their accents.

Now Canada still has still ties to the British monarchy. Our coins have the Queen on one side. As the years go by the Queen gets older and so does her picture get older too. I’m curious of what they are going to do when she dies? Blimey. Will they have a skull or Prince William on it because everyone likes Prince William? As for as I know English currency is in pounds. I guess they don’t want to join the rest of Europe with their Euros.

I love the English bobbies and their hats. Have they got guns yet or do they use their clubs? “We are in pursuit of a car that is going in the wrong direction. I think he is American and doesn’t know that we drive on the left side of the road. We would love to shoot his tires but we don’t carry any bloody guns. Bloody Hell.”

Soccer is the most popular sport in the world and the British are huge fans. My favorite team is the Manchester United. You got to love the hooligans because they’re bloody crazy. You never see as many rowdy and diehard fans at a hockey game. I mean hooligans actually fight and kill each other and without any guns the security and do shit all. Blimey. The English also play a lot of cricket. I already hate watching and playing baseball so I think I won’t like cricket either.

Is it true that English citizens have horrible teeth? Blimey. Could it be something in the water or do they not have Crest in England? Perhaps they can’t afford a dentist. Bloody Hell. I used to have nice teeth; they were never crooked or anything. But I grind the shit out of them when I sleep and I am going to have to get a mouth guard. Yes a fucking mouth guard; do you know how annoying and uncomfortable that will be whenever you sleep you have to have one on.

I hear the British are the worst chefs. I mean you’re eat haggis, lamb chops and call your fries chips and cookies biscuits. But they know how to drink. My mate told me that every time they get their pay check they hit the bar and after that just roam the streets all drunk. Which is bloody awesome.

I love my coffee. I like waking up and making some strong instant coffee to get me through my busy day. It’s funny that I like my coffee and beer warm. So every afternoon is tea time, which is fine for me, but what happens if you are in the middle of a job. “Okay we are doing a double bypass surgery and I need a scalpel. And wait it is tea time, we’ll get back in twenty minutes.”

World Wrestling Federation

WWF WTF

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble! (And pay me $10000 for saying that).

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. I’m not sure what that has to do with wrestling but whatever.

Do you remember the WWF when it was still the WWF? Now the hippy World Wildlife Federation has stolen the name WWF because they suck. Seriously can’t they make up another name like Animal Association or WAS, We Are Sissies?

WWF was huge until UFC came along. I don’t even know if the WWF is still on. The thing about UFC is that’s real and the only rule is there are no rules. But I think there is no contact to your opponent’s junk, eye gouging or pulling of the hair. And it’s totally cooler than boxing. I would bet Ken Shamrock to beat up Tyson any day. And I think it would be cool if a WWF wrestler actually fought in the Octagon.

Wrestling dates back to ancient Greece and since their culture is super gay they wrestled nude. Too bad only guys can grapple because it would be super hot if two chicks went at it without the mud. Imagine Brittany Spears took on Christine Aguilera. However people didn’t take kindly to real wrestling and so here came the WWF.

Spoiler alert! WWF is all staged. Or at least most of the time. They are accomplished athletes but everything is choreographed. Why do they stomp the ground every time they punch someone? Do they go to the punching bag and stomp the ground like crazy? I know Mankind would intentionally cut himself or get hit so he would bleed.

The best event has to be the Royal Rumble where thirty something wrestlers go at it until one remains. I also liked the ladder matches because it looks really dangerous. The cage matches are cool too. And there is of course Wrestlemania. The classic one between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant was the greatest.

As the years passed the show became more and more like a male soap opera or reality show. Half the time the wrestlers and chicks are bickering and dissing each other without doing any actual wrestling.

I love all of the classic wrestlers when I was a kid.  Hulk Hogan is the most notorious wrestler. He fought Rocky and wow was there size difference between him and Stallone. He was the top good guy when fans liked good guys. And he goes through a ton of shirts. Seriously Hulk, have you ever heard of pulling your shirt over your head? I admit I tried to do it myself and it didn’t work. I ended up cutting it.

Andre the Giant was my favorite; I felt bad that he died of his gigantism. I heard the man could drink like seventy beers in a day. And I’m sure he ate a ton of Big Macs. It must suck though that you would need everything to accommodate your size, such as doors, clothes, showers and cars just to name a few. But he could always save a kitten stuck in a tree.

Jake the Snake was cool because he always brings in his snake. I think it would be cooler if he was Taylor the Alligator and he would bring in an alligator to finish off his opponent. I wonder what happened to him. Maybe he joined the other WWF to protect endangered snakes.

The Macho Man loves his Slim Jim. Oooooh yeah! My bother swore he saw the Macho Man driving a humvee when we were at Clearwater, Florida. Oooh yeeah! I wonder if anyone called him the Nacho Man and he beat the shit of them and said oooh yeeah! However it’s sad to say that he died a year ago of a sudden massive heart attack. Oooh noo.

The Iron Sheik is the WWF's racist stereotype from the Middle East. He was a wrestler that the fans loved to hate. I don’t know if people from the Middle East rooted for him or if they never heard of T.V. They should bring him back but I think he ended blowing himself up. 

I’m scared shitless of Chyna. There is a woman that could kick any guy’s ass. I don’t know what kind of man could handle her? I did see her playboy centerfold and I felt she looked too much like a guy on steroids that it seemed kind of gay.

The Undertaker is Goth kids answer to wrestling. His signature is the Tombstone Piledriver. I wonder if he did the eulogy to Owen Heart’s funeral. And I also wonder what the person behind the Undertaker is like. Is he always so dark or is it just his character?

The Midgets are the best. I love Rey Mysterio the most because he could do all of these flips and acrobatic feats. I know he’s Mexican or something but you never see his face. They should have a match with him and two other midgets taking on the Big Show.

Everyone loves the Rock. You know what would be the best match, the Rock versus the Rock. The Rock is probably the most successful wrestler turned actor and starred in many shows and movies; like the Mummy and sadly the Tooth Fairy movie. Too bad I think they all suck.

But don’t fans ever get tired of stupid catch phrases? Every other sentence by the Rock is “can you smell what the Rock is cooking?” Yes, the Rock is making smelly Indian food. Sometimes I speak in the third person too. Can you lend the Greg ten bucks? I don’t really like stupid signs or nose makers. I mean it would suck sitting behind some idiot’s sign.

I wonder how sturdy those chairs are and why are they there in the first place? “Honey are these our front row seats?” “No dear they are conveniently placed chairs for the wrestlers to beat each other with.” Why not use plastic chairs? But if you really want them hurt each other than they should leave a club with spikes?

And of course there are the backyard wrestling for retards. The thing is that when the WWF makes disclaimers, those idiots that the disclaimer is intended for are not going to read it. “Hey Chuck the WWF warns us not to imitate them because they are professionals.” “Fuck it Ted. I’m going to jump out of the tree and land on some bricks.”

Top Ten Worst Jobs

I find it funny that people way smarter than me are working minimum wage jobs. As of now I’m enjoying my reverse retirement. I plan to enjoy my youth and start work when I’m 60. Here are my ten top worst jobs that I would never want to do.

1: Garbage Man

I don’t know how much garbage men make. They must make a decent wage considering people need to throw out their trash. I wouldn’t be able to be one if I tried. I’m not strong enough to grab trash cans all day every day. It would suck balls doing it in the winter. Imagine how cold your hands would get and you come home just reeking of stench. I wonder if garbage men ever keep stuff people throw out. “Hey Chuck this wooden chair would make the perfect bonfire.” “Who would throw out a perfectly fine Betamax?”

2: Referee

A referee can never be right. I always hear angry fans asking the ref where his glasses are. “I’m wearing contacts. Checkmate” I have witnessed one player checking another player who wasn’t even close to the play. And the parents complain. I could never be able to stand up to people. “Whistle!  Tripping.” “What did he do? It wasn’t tripping at all.” “Okay fine, no penalty.”

3: Casino Dealer

As you all know I’m unable shuffle and deal cards. “Whoops I dealt him three cards, um don’t look at your hand, I have to re-deal.” “Hey asshole I had a pair of Aces!” I would find it depressing to work at a casino because you see people losing a fortune everyday.  And people always try to win back their money. But that comes with the territory. I heard someone on the school board stole over a 100000 and lost it all at the casino. She plead she was a gambling addict and I’m thinking how could that possibly happen. You would think she, the manager or someone would put an end to this after $5000.

4: Farmers

My mom’s side of the family were farmers and I have a million relatives. I have cousins that I have never even met. I would hate to be a farmer because I’m lazy and like to sleep in. I did work at one farm picking pickles and stuff for three days and then quit because my back was sore and my hands hurt. I would hate milking the cows and shoveling shit. It would be cool though if I could have my own horse. And I’m curious about what farmers do in the winter? I guess they just get drunk and play Yahtzee.

5: Jail Guard

I don’t know if jail guards have shift work or what. They spend their whole day with rapists and murders. I hope guards have a good time yelling at people all day. “Hi honey, those cupcakes was good. I told one pedophile to go molest himself. And there was another raping in the shower. Haha”

6: Janitor

I wonder who decides to be a janitor. They should get paid more if they do something that nobody else wants to do. How hard is it to find a better job? All you do is clean toilets and mop the floor. I don’t think they get dental or a good pension. They must live in the ghetto because they can’t afford shit all. But their homes would be spotless.

7: Plumber

A plumber is like a janitor only they come to you’re house and work with your toilets. What a shitty job! Haha, I’m hilarious! “The problem here is that you took a monster shit and it has plugged the toilet. Next time take smaller shits more often.” You know what would be cool is to have your own urinal. Do you remember the movie Trainspotting where he dives into the worst toilet in Scotland to get his drugs? It was funny.

8: McDonalds

Ever notice that woman who work at McDonalds are insanely obese. I’m trying not to make fun of fat chicks but come on when did you give up a normal life for food? I guess it has to do with the fact that they don’t move around and are surrounded food all day. Hmm I want a Big Mac right now! And they are always busy. Funny I’m at McDonalds asked for a whopper. And the lady is like we don’t serve whoppers. And I’m like what? You don’t have whoppers? And she is like your are probably thinking of Burger King. “Oh I mean I want a Big Mac. Just the sandwich, for here, and a glass of water please”

9: Palace Guards

I could never be one of those silent guards that can’t move or talk. What happens if your nose is really itchy or you have to go the bathroom? Imagine the insanity of just standing there all day. How would you pass the time? All you can do is day dream and check out hot chicks. What kind of training do they do? And what happens if they actually need them. “Guards there is a robbery!” “Look we don’t carry guns and the only training we did is to stand here and not say anything.” I would listen to my Ipod that I would hide in my tall hat.

10: Urologist

There is always a demand for doctors; especially ones specializing in some field. You have medical doctors, psychiatrist, ear and throat doctors, dentist, and so on. By the way I don’t consider chiropractors to be real doctors. There is definitely a huge demand for urologist because nobody wants to look at or handle dicks all day. But I’m sure they make tons of cash. However the doctor never comes home and tells his wife how his day went. “How was your day honey?” “Oh the same old. I saw many penises today. I had to break the news that some guy had herpes. Wow was that awkward.”

Cast Away

My Own Island

I watched Cast Away and what a great movie. I’ve seen it before when it first came out on video. As you know Tom Hanks gets stranded on a stranded island. He works for Fed Ex and is obsessed with work. He’s yelling at people because they are five minutes late. He even misses Christmas in order to deliver mail and presents. I don’t know if this makes Fed Ex look good or bad.

So he’s on a plane that crashes into the ocean only so little Timmy can get his Deal or No Deal video game. Too bad nobody was getting a cell phone or surf board for Christmas.

Only Tom survives, which sucks to be him. He actually writes “Help” in the sand. First off it’s SOS and second a plane will never to see it. He does see a ship out in the far distance and starts yelling at it as if someone would actually hear him.

Life on a deserted island would be a million times better if you are with a girl (or guy). All you’d do is have sex, sleep and your woman can cook the fish that you catch. Too bad she can’t shave because that might be a tad gross.

The cool thing about being stranded is that there is no stress. You don’t have to wake up early for a job you hate and you don’t have to pay any taxes. Sure I couldn’t play Zelda, watch Golden Girls and drink cold beer, but I would be so relaxed and carefree on an island.

Tom spends like a day trying to start a fire and I’d think that would hurt just a little. I would have used the skate blades. I don’t think I would be able to start a fire. I have a hard enough time starting a camp fire with matches. Or even with gasoline.

Being alone, Tom talks to his volley ball friend Wilson. I as well talk to my imaginary friend Spalding the basketball when I’m lonely. Excuse me for one second. “What’s that Spalding? The new episode of House in on in ten minutes. Awesome, just let me finish of this blog.”

Now my teacher told us that we need water to survive and I ask what if you eat oranges because there’s a lot of juice in them. I would get tired of eating coconuts or fish. The first thing I would eat if I made it back to civilization would have to be McDonalds. I would order a thousand Big Macs and a medium fry.

Near the end he rides a hand made raft out in the ocean and he loses Wilson. He actually jumped off the raft to try to save a damn volleyball. Spoiler! Tom is finally rescued by a freighter and finds out his fiancé has married another man. Awkward. But at least he’s back. The first thing I would do is get hammered and hit the strippers.

Mulan and Chinese Culture

Chinese Checkers

I just watched Disney’s Mulan and it was alright. It wasn’t no Lion King or Aladdin. Before I watched it I thought it was Japanese. Too bad because I really like Japanese culture. As you know the story goes that some girl pretends to be a male warrior.

It begins with Mulan getting prepared for the match maker which she doesn’t want to do. I don’t know why they put on this white makeup. Nobody likes pale people. So she fucks that up and her father is dishonored.

I also don’t know why Asian culture is so obsessed with honor. Whenever I’m drunk and puke all over the floor, my mom doesn’t say I dishonored her. She just yells at me to clean it up and don’t drink so much. When I dropped out of college my dad never said I dishonored him. “Gregory son, all you do eat McDonalds is play video games! You have dishonored our family!”

So Mulan has to act like a guy. I find cross gendered people scary as Hell. Guys becoming girls more so. Its one thing to be a cross dresser. Even I have tried on a wig and wore my mom’s clothes as a kid. But to have surgery done is again scary.

Funny, I watched an old talk show Jenny Jones where the audience has to figure out if someone is a guy or a girl. And one girl is so excited when she tells the audience she’s actually a girl. “No I’m actually a woman. Haha.” I wondered why anyone wants that public humiliation on T.V.

Eddie Murphy is the voice of the dragon. I would love to have my own pet dragon except if it’s Eddie Murphy. He is the comic relief but I find him as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. He tries way too hard to be funny.

Sure I loved Murphy’s standup, like Delirious or Raw, Beverly Hills Cop, The Nutty Professor but he’s the biggest sellout. I admit if people are throwing money at me to star in a shitty movie, I do it too. But he is a one dimension character that only plays himself.

So Mulan and a few soldiers they face like thousands of Mongols coming over the mountain much like the movie 300. She thought of a great idea of using a rocket to hit huge chunk of ice that causes an avalanche killing most of the Mongols. The leader and a few others survive and the first thing he does is yell like crazy; not a smart idea.

The band of soldiers finally find out that she’s a chick. They’re so pissed off that they leave her in the middle of the fucking mountains. I don’t understand why they are so pissed off that she’s a girl. She just saved them all from certain doom and then are mad because she has tits. Let’s say you’re deep in Vietnam and you were saved by a girl. You wouldn’t just leave her there would you? But I won’t spoil the end.

Imagine you had to fight a girl? You lose both ways because you either beat up a girl or you get beaten by a girl. “Grasshopper you have beaten up a poor helpless girl. You have a dishonored our family!”

I love Chinese buffets especially Panda Gardens. When I walk into that restaurant they lose money. I keep eating plate after plate. I love chicken balls, spring rolls, egg rolls and sushi the most. Can you ever get a bad fortune cookie? You will have a horrible year when you find out you have cancer.

What pisses me off is when they are speaking in Chinese and you have no clue what they are saying. “That dark fellow wearing a Quicksilver shirt keeps eating all of the icecream.” “He is a bottomless pit of a man.” “He is not even a man. Haha.” If I could speak another language it would be Japanese. And it would be cool to say whatever you want.

Me and J.P. went to an all you can eat Sushi restaurant. The trick is that you have to pay for what you don’t eat. So we ordered way too much and we just kept stuffing sushi into our mouths. My stomach almost exploded and I swore I would never eat again. Then I had a Big Mac three hours later.

I notice a lot of people get Chinese or Japanese tattoos. I’m already not a big fan of tattoos but I would never have one of those Asian letters on my arm. Who knows what they mean? Some people think it says great warrior or cunning master. But who knows? It could be shit eating fuck head.

I should have taken karate back in the day so I would know the death touch. Karate Kid was a cool movie but I think Mr. Miyagi only wanted his fence painted and get his car waxed. I tried the whole kick thing he does but it’s very awkward. In real life your secret kick would do nothing. Have you seen UFC? The opponent would just tackle you or punch you in the face. And then Grasshopper has dishonored Mr. Miyagi.

What Women Want

Top Ten Things I Don’t Understand About Women

I’m glad I’m a guy because women go through so much trouble to look good. They have to shave their legs, underarms and sometimes their mustache. And because of this they are always late. All us guys have to do is shave our beards. I think mustaches look gay. So here are the top ten things I don’t understand about women.

(1) Nobody likes unibrows, but that doesn’t mean you should shave them off completely. When you have eyebrows that look like you drew with a pencil you look stupid. I never liked my own eyebrows because they’re so bushy. So I suggest trimming them. Funny I remember back in high school Kevin passed out and we shaved one of his eyebrows right before pictures.

(2) Whoever came up with the idea of high heels? They look so uncomfortable. I understand that it makes short girls look taller but I don’t know how you can walk around with them. And they make those annoying click sounds. I mean you’re running away from a serial killer but you have to be careful not to trip and taking them off is out of question.

(3) Speaking of high heels I don’t know why woman have an obsession over shoes. My mom has like fifty of them for every occasion. “Oh these are my Thanksgiving shoes that go well with my beige dress, and oh these are my shoes for a rainy day.” And why do women want smaller feet?

(4) I hate dancing so much. In fact I loath it. I never learned how to dance and I look like an idiot when I try. I just don’t know what to do for hours at a time. And I think I speak for every guy that we don’t like to dance. We only like girls. You never hear a guy say hey dudes no girls tonight, let’s just dance.

(5) There is nothing wrong with wearing sun glasses; they protect you from UV light and evil sun rays. Sometimes you look rad like a jetfighter pilot or a poker player. But I don’t know why girls wear those huge glasses that block most of their face. You look like a bug and I wonder if you can get tan lines.

(6) I don’t understand why woman have purses. I suffice with a wallet and my pant pockets. What possibly do they need in them? You got a mini wallet, makeup, taser, condoms, dungeon keys, tampons, guitar lessons phone numbers, chap stick and a piece of the Triforce.

(7) I never liked long nails either. I’m a biter and especially when I’m nervous. You need some if you want to open stuff like a DVD or scratch a lottery ticket. But when they grow so long you look like a cat or Wolverine that will claw you.

(8) I find makeup to be hilarious. Little is more. Sure a nice base or some eye shadow looks good but when you have bright red cheeks and lips it looks so unnatural. Almost like a clown. I never liked black eye liner; it’s kind of scary to me. And then there are the mud masks. I don’t understand how mud helps the skin. Isn’t mud dirt?

(9) And then there are the ditzy girls. These are the girls that will laugh at anything I guy says. There so superficial and have no personality. Most of them get by through their looks alone while less attractive girls have to be smart and funny to make up for their looks.

(10) And I don’t understand why chicks watch chick flicks. Okay I liked the Twilight series, Titanic and the odd drama but don’t you girls get tired of romance movies? “Oooh I wonder if they are going to hook up or not? What chemistry.” Take the English Patient; it’s the best sleeping pill ever. Or the Ya-Ya bitches; I watched part of it with my mom and I couldn’t take it. So I think every chick flick show some tits for the guys. For example in the movie Pretty Woman they should have a sex scene where Julia Roperts is working the streets and fucks some random John.

World of Warcraft

How To Play World of Warcraft  

Normally I am a reverse retiree that lives with my parents. I don’t have a life and spend most of my time watching T.V. and drinking beer. The only time I’m outside is when I’m getting a coffee or playing hockey or poker. But in the World of Warcraft I’m Lexorkhan defender of the Alliance!

South Park is my favorite show and one of the best has to be the Warcraft one. If you haven’t seen it is hilarious. I also loved the Towlie episode. But this isn’t a funny blog, this is serious!

I’m actually writing this because some douche bag keeps killing me. You see there are two sides in Warcraft, the Alliance and the Horde. The fun part is that you kill each other of the opposite faction and gain bonuses. When you die you have to travel from the nearest grave to your body.

So douche bag has been waiting at my grave and keeps killing me without leaving me a chance to runaway or teleport out. The first time he kills me it’s fine. I go back and he kills me again. This I poor etiquette, you shouldn’t wait at someone’s grave. So I waited five minutes and the fucker has been waiting the whole fucking time. I’m pissed and start watching some Seinfeld for twenty minutes just to be safe. This loser has no life at all; he was still waiting and he laughs at me. So here I am writing how pissed off I am. I hope he gets cancer.

But if you are new to the game it’s a mmorpg where you play with thousands other people online. It’s kind of like the Lord of the Rings. You travel around the lands killing players, animals and monsters to level up and get better items and stuff. But there is really no point to the game at all. You can never beat it. 

But its additive as Hell. It’s almost like slot machines; every once in a while you hit the jackpot and get something killer. Normally this is a bad thing for people who go to school or work but for me it’s all gravy.

I will show you how you can be just like me; Lexorkhan. I have had about ten characters but only four good ones really. My first character was a level seventy. At the time it took forever to level up. I had an awesome time because we would go on these massive raids and had a huge guild following where we talk and joke. However they changed the game so much that it completely fucked up my character.

If you buy the game you get a month subscription. I suggest buying the subscription card where you get two additional months worth for about $30 without the hassle of using your credit card. You want to select PVP where you can kill players of the opposite faction. And join a server with high or full amount because it’s much more fun with more people. With more players there is a much more selection of items at the auction and there are more players to attack.

They added three expansions so far but for the regular game there are eight races to choose from. The Alliance has night elves, humans, gnomes and dwarves. And for the Horde there are the orcs, trolls, forsaken, and minotaurs. I find the orcs to be the most popular race. And there are classes for each character, like a warrior or a shaman.

I chose the night elves a couple of times. They have a lot of cool abilities like disappearing or a fast ghost. And I always wanted elf ears. They start off in Teldrassil where the Horde can’t kill you. In the South Park episode this is where they hunt boar. I love the ambience, the forest are pretty.

My class is a hunter. A hunter has a ranged weapon, a bow, crossbow or a gun. And the best part is you control a pet; pretty much any animal you can tame. You have to reach level 10 to be able to have a pet, but it doesn’t take too long. I go with the bear. Your pet will do your bidding. I will attack and tell my pet to attack the target. So really I don’t face many hand to hand attacks.

There are five main statistics; they are the strength, agility, stamina, spirit and intellect. The cool thing about a hunter is that you don’t have any magic and instead have a “focus.” So there is no point in getting items with intellect or spirit.

You can gain experience a number of ways. You can get it by killing things, completing quests or doing dungeon raids. If you want to level up quickly than I suggest you do dungeons with you and four other players. You need a tank, a healer and three other guys. You fight a number of bosses and get nice items. You are given the option to either really need the item or greed where you want it if nobody needs it. And if you die and can’t find your body than ask the angel to restore you at a cost. By the way in order to swim underwater press the X key.

 If you are going to just kill enemies than I suggest you do quests at the same time. Quests are fun to do and you get great items.  You can have up to 25 quests at a time, most are ones where you kill a number of enemies and report back.

There are professions like creating bags or leather working. I strongly suggest skinning and enchanting. Skinning is where the money is, a lot of dead enemies can be skinned where you get leather and you could then sell that leather to other players.  For example I can sell twenty rugged leather for a 100 gold. It’s quick and worth a lot. The problem though is that some idiots sell it for way cheaper. So I turn around and buy all of it and then sell it for more.

Enchanting adds a whole another dimension to the game. This is where you increase stats or bonuses by enchanting them. For example I will enchant my sword to give it twenty stamina. You disenchant certain items that give you ingredients to then enchant items. Trust me its fun.

You should join a guild. There are many benefits and players that help each other out.

Normally someone of that guild will invite you. If you want to leave the guild then just write “/gquit” It’s fun to chat with other players and tell Chuck Norris jokes and such.

You can store items in bags. When you have the cash I suggest getting two leather working bags, two enchanting bags, one gem bag and the rest nethereave bags.

There are tabs along the bottom that you can choose; its much easier to press a number to select something. I suggest concussive shot, archane shot, multi shot, raptor strike, beastial wrath, mend pet, revive pet, intimidation, healing potion, fervor, mount and call pet.

Most of the time I use concussive shot to make enemies dizzy and then archane shot to deal more damage. If there are many enemies I suggest using multi shot. For bosses I suggest selecting beastial wrath. I use intimidation so the enemy will attack my pet instead of me and fervor if my focus runs out.

And like most things on the internet people can be whoever they want. It’s pretty easy to make fun other people when they will never come across each other. And I don’t know how you can make fun of someone for playing the exact same game. That’s like a trekkie making fun of another trekkie. So go out now and buy World of Warcraft and join me in the war against the Horde.

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid

As you all know danger is my middle name. No, no its James. But don’t you think that would be the ultimate middle name? But even I have fears and phobias, if you can believe that.

As a kid I was never afraid of monsters in my closet. “Look little Timmy for the last time there are no monsters in your closet or under your bed. See look there is nothing at all. And please don’t piss in your bed again. Okay? Goodnight.” But I was afraid of the dark and needed one of those night lights. Until about eight years ago.

I was terrified of heights. I still don’t like being on the balcony of an apartment. I remember being so excited of going to Cedar Point and riding the Demon Drop. I couldn’t wait but as soon we were at the front of the line I freak out and do the walk of shame.

I do have an overactive imagination. I used to be afraid of ghosts that will take my eternal soul. I used to be afraid of manikins that would come alive and eat me. I still find the headless ones kind of creepy.  I don’t know why they can’t just give them arms or a head, and enough with these ultra anorexic manikins.

Now there are different categories of fears. Obviously there are life threatening fears like being attacked by sharks. There are social phobias like the fear of being embarrassed. I think I would take my chances with Jaws than speaking in the United Nations. And there are also fears of finance like the fear of your stocks crashing.

It’s weird that as a kid I could do anything without stage fright. I used to do drama club, speeches and science fairs to name a few. Then my life took a U-turn and now I have terrible stage fright. It gets so bad that I can’t even answer a question in the front of class without stuttering or saying something stupid.

I said this before that I’m an afraid of alligators and certain breeds of dogs. But I also fear other animals. For example I’m afraid of skunks. They’re not life threatening but I wouldn’t want to get sprayed. I mean that’s some nasty shit and you end up using a jar of mayo (or whatever) to get the stink out.

I saw one downtown London and slowly backed away and ending up making a two km detour. I wonder from an evolution perspective how some species increasingly got smellier and smellier to the point that they are a skunk.

I have never really been afraid of bugs, I just find them really really annoying. House flies are the worse; they just fly around making noise and landing on you. That’s why I find such joy using the swatter. Except I’m afraid of hornets and millipedes. I’m worried a hornet will sting me in the eye. And millipedes are just big and creepy. And I’m afraid of getting aids through mosquitos’ bites.

I hate being itchy so much I rather be in pain. The first time I got poison ivy I was in Hell for two weeks. I contracted it while playing manhunt when I hid in a poison ivy patch. But they never found me. So now I’m terrified of getting it again and I won’t go into the woods now.

I’m worried about my future too. What will I do, how will I afford my lifestyle? I always freak out when I can’t find my wallet and think someone has stolen all my money, bought porn using my credit car and have taken over my identity.

I have repeating nightmares. One is taking the math exam without studying. I freak out and can’t remember my lock combination or anything. Another one is somebody has stolen all of my video games. I wake up with a sigh of relief that I still have them and nobody has stolen Mario Kart 64. I also have the dream where I’m butt naked in public and wondering why am I butt naked in public.

There are some weird fears too like I’m afraid getting struck by flaming helicopter debris. One is that some evil government corporation has unleashed a virus that will eat at your flesh unless you find the antidote And I’m afraid waking up in an alley with my kidney removed.

Oh and I’m afraid of girls.

I Can't Cook

Chef Greg

I know everyone thinks that their mom is the best chef. Well you’re all wrong!  My mom owns the kitchen. You should see her cook book, it’s like are relic. She makes a killer three cheese lasagna that it is way better than anything at Eastside Mario’s. I also like her meatloaf, spaghetti, spare ribs and pancakes. Every time I eat somewhere else it taste nowhere as good. Like when we are having turkey at my relatives. It sucks compared to my mom’s meals.

When I was on my own and wasn’t mooching on my parents I would eat microwave dinners. I would wait till there is a sale and stock up the freezer. I love Hungryman dinners because I’m a hungry man! My favorites are buffalo chicken and cheese fries. Mmm. I also get Michelina’s if I’m not man enough for Hungryman. The good thing about Hungryman, or Swanson, is there are real vegetables. Normally I take a couple of vitamin pills. If one is good for you than five will be five times better! There is also lettuce in my Big Mac.

Normally I don’t like vegetables; especially spinach. In fact I loath spinach or sea weed. My mom would force me to eat it and asks don’t you want to be like Popeye? “No, not really. He’s kind of weird.” So I would eat a spoonful and say “There I ate it.” I do enjoy corn on the comb, asparagus and Caesar salad though. Every thing else I try to swallow whole without tasting it. My question is, shouldn’t the good stuff taste good and the bad food taste bad?

Do you ever watch those pizza pockets commercials and think that it would be cool to grab a sledge hammer and make it explode? Do you also see those Delicioso commercials where some guy keeps telling them it’s not delivery it’s Delicioso. “Dammit Craig it’s fucking Delicioso! I keep telling you it’s not delivery!” The funny thing is that Delicioso doesn’t come close to a real pizza. In fact the rising crust one gets both soggy and burnt. I recommend McCain’s thin crust. With most pizza related food I always cook it longer than what it says on the box.

Honestly I should learn how to cook considering I have so much free time on my hands. I know how to pour cereal, nuke popcorn, cook Chef Boyardee, make a peanut butter sandwich, open a can of tuna and make a grilled cheese with block cheese. That’s pretty much sums it. I can’t crack eggs, barbecue, stir, measure or flip things. But I got to start somewhere. Maybe I will try to make potatoes or better yet make my own pancakes because if I knew how to make my own pancakes I would eat it every morning and gain like forty pounds.

I am a pro at making macaroni though. It’s staple for any college student. It’s fast and easy to prepare and tastes awesome. Back at UWO me and my roommate J.P. would use a cauldron and would make like three boxes of Kraft’s finest. However if you don’t eat Macaroni right away it gets kind of gross. Just don’t make it if you are drunk. Once I put the cheese instead of the noodles in the pot and was pissed. Or I would forget it and it would boil over. I also got way too drunk at Aaron’s place and made macaroni only to puke it all over the floor and then sleep there in my own macaroni vomit. Anyway I got to go to the kitchen and make some Kraft because all of this food talk has made me hungry.

No Name Brands

Generic Shit

I always get into arguments, mainly with my mom, saying that most no-name products are inferior to name brand products. Sometimes it doesn’t matter like bottle water, vitamin pills or douche bags. How can bottle water taste any different when it’s all water? I’m sure hose water is just as good as some natural spring water in Iceland. Unless of course there is slime or lead in it or if someone took a piss in it.

But when it comes to cereal I stand by my Kellogg’s Fruit Loops and not President’s Choice Fruit Hoops. What’s with the names President’s Choice or Master’s Choice anyway? Does President Obama or a master karate sensei give their seal of approval? And shouldn’t it be Prime Minister’s Choice over here in Canada?

I have always loved soda since I was a kid. I get mad at my mom for buying diet, caffeine free, low sodium no name cola just to save 20 cents per can. Sure Pepsi wastes millions in advertisements and one of the reasons I prefer it to Coke is because they have funnier commercials.

But they specialize in pop and are the best at it, while PC does every kind of food product. And I can tell which is RC (Royal Crap) or Faggot Pop, I mean Faygo Pop, and what is Pepsi in taste tests. I wonder why there is regular Pepsi when Diet Pepsi and Pepsi One have fewer calories but the same great taste. However I admit when I’m picking out what juice to get I go for the one with the prettiest bottle, which is usually Fruitopia because it looks delicious.

I even find my fake razor is no where as good as my dad’s Gillette Mach 5000. I thought they were both razors how else they could be different. But the cheap one takes forever and I cut myself everywhere. It’s hard for me to look so good. So I finally joined the band wagon and got a Mach 3 and my chin has never been so smooth.

When it comes to technology I will always shell out more for the brand products. I don’t know how many times I bought an Xtreme 64 controller or a Somy Discperson just to have it break, or not work at all, to save ten bucks. Even a RCA is no where as good as Sony. I went through three RCA discmen until I finally got a Sony, which has lasted over six years and counting; but I now use my Ipod. There’s a reason why brand technology is more expensive; because it’s better quality.

Some people say when buying clothes that you pay for the label. I will never buy a shirt just because it says Levis (or whatever is hip nowadays). But if you want to present yourself to the world as cheap or thrifty, go right ahead. There is a huge difference in quality in the jeans you find at Wal-Mart versus a good clothing store.

I go to Winners because they have name-brand clothing at Wal-Mart prices. Sure 95% of the clothes are lame but you can find the odd cool shirt. And never buy something only because it’s on sale or something that is nice but doesn’t fit. Its just I trust getting Joe Boxers compared to Jim Boxers.

But whatever you do don’t buy Electro batteries for your cheap generic smoke detector. Sure the batteries are fine when playing Gameboy but you don’t want to endanger your family because you got a pack of 20 Electro batteries for $2. “Honey the house is on fire and the smoke alarm didn’t go off. Grab Alex, the baby and Fido. There’s no time for Little Timmy.” “Okay dear, I’ll call 911. Dammit my Redcherry cell phone won’t get a signal!” “Ah don’t worry honey we have house insurance and I never really liked Little Timmy.”