The Amish

Something Amish

You have no idea how dependent we are on electricity. Especially for me. I could not go on without my video games, television or blender. I can’t even stand a power outage for a few hours. Every time it happens I keep forgetting I can’t turn on the lights. And we can’t find the flashlight without the flashlight. I guess it’s a catch 22.

Then there are outages that last for days. I’d go insane. First off you would lose all of your frozen food. Goodbye Klondike bars and McCain pizza pockets. You wouldn’t have any television or Nintendo. And I don’t read by candle light. Haha I guess you would have to entertain your family with stories or Jenga. Now imagine that power outage lasts forever!

That’s the life of an Amish. As you know the Amish are big losers that resist any kind of modern technology.  They shun the use automobiles, phones and electricity. That means no cars. Maybe a beaver wagon. So they use a horse and or carriage.

How annoying would that be not to call a friend or my phone sex operator? If it wasn’t for Cindy I’d be lonely on those cold Saturday nights.  You don’t have any damn cars so you would have to ride a horse to your friend’s place to see if they can play tag or look at Sears’ summer catalogs. “Man, look at her leg.”

Now I’m probably the only person in Canada that doesn’t have a cell phone. But I can still use a pay phone or just use someone else’s. I think I can spend fifty bucks a month on more important things. Like Big Macs. I can’t even text. Those small ass buttons are too small for me even though I have tiny hands. But big feet.

As you know the Amish are majorly religious. I guess they like to serve the Lord by living a simple life. And that means no high school for these kids. Great idea, do you want to raise a barn the rest of your life?

Speaking of kids, the Amish marry only other Amish. I think. That means there is a small gene pool and because of this they have a much higher rate of birth defects and stupid people. Even marrying third or fourth cousins sounds very disturbing.

I don’t know if they pay taxes or what? I mean do they just live off the land? I’m hoping they can still use the mail.  I do like mennonite furniture and fresh produce. And what do they do in the winter?

You can spot Amish men from their long rugged unkempt beard. I guess Gillette mach four is too technological. I just hope the women shave. Otherwise that’s pretty disgusting. They have simple clothes with suspenders and stupid top hats. And the Amish ladies still wear those long plain dresses and those hat thingies they wear. Just like the pilgrims.

I’ve seen them at Wal-Mart but I don’t know how they travelled there. I hope they don’t hog the damn highway with their slow ass carriage. The kids looked like they were in Disney World. I have never seen such happy and excited kids. But its kid of sad that the their highlight of the year is being in Wal-Mart getting a Big Mac and looking at some great non-technological deals.

Our Lady Peace

Our Lady Peace is an awesome Canadian alternative rock band. Here is my top ten favorite OLP songs.

20        Made of steel

19        Heavy Weight

18.       Life

17.       Superman’s Dead

16.       Angels

15.       Innocent

14.       In Repair

13.       4am

12.       Where Are You

11.       Is Anybody Home

10.       Thief

9.         Somewhere Out There

8.         Automatic Flowers

7.         Hope

6.         Clumsy

5.         Superstellite

4.         The Birdman

3.         One Man Army

2.         Naveed

1.         Starseed

Fairy Tales: Part Three

The Ant and Grasshopper

So there is a grasshopper and an ant. I don’t know if there are other bugs but it’s just a story. So the ant is busy preparing for winter. I guess this story doesn’t apply in warmer places like Hawaii where it has summertime weather all year round.

The grasshopper on the other hand is living it up for summer; partying and getting laid. But comes winter and the grasshopper is starving while the ant is chilling with some hot coco.  I hope the ant feels sorry for the grasshopper and makes him his servant.

My problem is these are two extremes. On one hand you have to smell the roses and live for the moment and enjoy summer. But you have to balance and find time to prepare for the future.

It’s the same thing when people get a cash advance because they want to buy liquor even though they waste $20 each time they do it.  Can’t they just stay sober and wait a week? Or do they have to get their booze right away?

The moral of the story is that ants are annoying fuckers when inside. And grasshoppers are loud and obnoxious outside.

The End.

The Pied Piper

I don’t know what a pied piper is? But whatever. So this town has a rat infestation and the mayor is looking for pest control. So this Pied Piper is called for the job and is paid to remove these varmints.

He uses his magical flute, I mean pipe, and the rats follow him in a trance into the lake where they drowned. But the mayor doesn’t owe up and pay up the full amount they agreed upon. Pied is piped and vows revenge.

Years later all of the adults attend church on St. Greg’s Day, or some other dumb festival. And the kids don’t have to go? I’m so jealous. I hated going to church and hearing about the prodigal son over and over again.  Pipe lures all of the children with the same magical pipe and they are never seen again.

Come on, every adult is in church while the kids just play and roam outside without any adult supervision. And doesn’t he seem like a pedophile? If I had my own piper I would get all of the hottest chicks to follow me into a hotel. Put that in your piper and smoke it.

The moral of the story always get Billy the exterminator to do all of your pest control.

The End

Rapunzel

There is a couple who want babies. They wander around some sorceress’s garden and come upon some rapunzel plant. Being pregnant, she craves this plant. She just had to eat it. And she also craved those donuts with sprinkles, popcorn with loads of butter and cheese wiz on celery.

So her husband is caught in her garden stealing the plant and the sorceress had to kill him. I think she overreacted. He pleads for his life and the bitch decides to let him go as long as he gives up his first born child. What a dick. Baby comes along and sorceress wants it. She names her Rapunzel after the plant. Rapunzel grows into a total hotty with very long, long, long blond hair.

It’s funny; my boss at Little Caesars had hair down below her waist. No lying. She obviously dyed her hair blond and you could see her grey roots. But she hated when people asked about her hair.

She was cool though. Everybody assumed I smoke pot, so one day she says we should smoke some marijuana. At first I thought she was joking, so I asked if she was serious. Let’s just say we had a ball.

Being surrounded by pizza it was the best place to get the munchies. Then I got lost on one delivery though and it took me a good half hour to find the place. I still got a tip but I decided to take a breather and call it a night. South Park was on.

So the sorceress kept her on the top floor of a tower with only one window. Not being able to go to the barber she grew her hair right down to the ground. That must have taken a while to grow. And a lot of shampoo. She could definitely donate her to cancer patients. Or transvestites.

Now the sorceress could climb up her hair and feed her. Probably a happy meal. And once again some random prince overhears her singing. He loves her singing and assume she’s hot. So he decides to hit on her. One day while the sorceress is doing some errands and picking up milk, the prince climbs her hair up the tower. And hopes her scalp isn’t ripped off from her head.

He’s caught by the sorceress. And decides that if he can’t see her, he won’t see anything at all. So he jumps into some shit and blinds himself. And he does this all over some chick. That’s not love. That’s creepy. So he wanders around the place not knowing where the fuck he’s going and just so happens to hear Rapunzel again.

She now has twins. But the story doesn’t really mention who got her knocked up. Anyway the blind prince loves her singing and they are reunited. He says she should go on the Voice. They hug and her tear gives back his sight. He leads his Rapunzel and her bastard children into the castle and they lived happily ever after. She finally cuts her hair.

The moral of the story is that she also grew a lot hair on other parts of her body. The rug matched the drapes.

The End

Beauty and the Beast

I love smoking weed and watching Disney Movies. But I have never seen Beauty and or the Beast. It sounds like huge fucking chick flick for little girls. And I’m not going to rent or buy it without feeling ashamed. 

Once I bought a chick flick for my mom and told the guy it was for her birthday. And he says we don’t judge here. It was Catch and Release. I heard good things. Anyway I decided to look up Wiki and read the summary.

But I still know some parts from the Disney movie. Like I know all of the cutlery and inanimate things can talk. I guess they keep the lonely beast company. Or he’s lost his fucking mind. Imagine he dropped Chip. That would be hilarious and his mom the pitcher would freak out. “Oh my beautiful little tea cup.” “I’m still alive. Please just kill me.”

Apparently there is a rich merchant (my last name) with three beautiful daughters. The two oldest ones are cunts but Belle is pure as snow. Fun fact Belle is beautiful in French.

The merchant loses his ships in some storm. Stuff happens. But alas one of his ships finally did make it. Thinking he’s rich again he asked his daughters what kind of gifts they would like. That’s nice. Naturally the two bitches want jewels, garments and treasures. And don’t forget the Faberge eggs.

And Belle just asks for a “rose, as none grow in their part of the country.” What a bitch. She could just asks for any rose. Or something nice, like a watch. Or he could lie and just pick any ordinary rose. She can’t tell.

Does she know how hard it would be to travel to other parts of the country searching for roses? And then coming back while they are still in bloom? What kind of scavenger hunt is this?

“Belle, I rode a damn horse a 100 miles to the west side of this stupid country and went looking for roses in people’s gardens like an idiot. All I could find was some dandelions.” “Oh dad, I would have accepted any gift. It’s the thought that counts.” “A 100 fucking miles you bitch. Do you know how far that is?” “Um a 100 miles.” “Bitch.”

So the merchant get’s lost in woods like he’s Link. You’d think he’d return the way he came or not go through any forests to begin with. He’s lost and it’s getting dark out, but he finds this palace. He decides to eat this food he found. It was from the beast. So merch actually finds a rose and picks it. Beastie is pissed over a single rose and decides to kill him for. I think he overacted.

Merch tells him it’s for his beautiful daughter. Beastly is enticed. They make a deal; for letting the merchant go; his daughter must stay with him. Belle agrees to go to live with this hideous creature. On the bright side he lavishes her with gifts and riches. And shoes! She even has a walk-in closet.

But each day the mutant keeps proposing to her and each time he gets shot down. Too bad the beast doesn’t know she’s only sixteen. Hey Beasts, I think you should just give up the whole marriage thing. It’s not going to happen. Go jerk off to nature shows about wildebeests. She wants a real prince. Editor’s note: I always thought wildebeests was spelled wilderbeasts.

Belle gets homesick and asks the freak to make a deal so she can visit her family for a week. Her sisters are jealous and I bet they’re not married. So they trick Belle to stay an extra day. Beast is heart broken, even for one single extra day. Whatever. Belle she’s seems him half dead or O.D. and says she loves him and a teardrop hits the monster and booya he transforms into a prince. Again with the tears.

Now a prince, he tells Belle that a long time ago a “fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken.” Right. The get hitched and live happily ever after together.

The moral of the story is that girls are shallow and want to marry princes. And you should always let fairies inside when it’s raining or cold. Or for tea.

Then End.

Titanic

Spoiler! The Titanic hits an iceberg and sinks.

How ironic, the very same ship that was supposed to be unsinkable. Kind of like Jesus walking on water.

I have known all about the Titanic long before the movie came out in 2007. Actually there is an old black and white movie about Titanic too. It’s not that bad.

Its funny, my friend Stics and this other kid both did speeches on Titanic. It’s too bad the kid plagiarized his whole speech because they both clearly read the same book.

The movie Titanic stars Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane and that crazy fat chick from Misery. I like Leo because he’s always in good movies such as Basketball Diaries and the Beach. Kate is smoking hot. Zane is a badass.

But whatever you do, don’t drive through any winter storms and watch out for nurses that will break your legs, burn your novel and make you write another one all over again.

Even if you haven’t seen it, you should know two scenes. The one where Leo is at the front of the ship and says “I’m the king of the world.” Or there is the end where Leo and Kate hold on to the ship till it sinks. These two scenes are in so many damn movies its not even funny anymore.

The budget was the highest in film history at the time. I think it cost like 200 million but don’t worry it wasn’t another Water World flop. It grossed over a billion.

For a chick flick, Titanic is one fucking cool movie. And I’ll admit I kind of like Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On.” Wait; scratch that. Every time I hear that song I too long for romance. But alas I live in my parents’ basement and smoke weed. Who could love me?

The best part is you get to see Kate Winslet naked. Hotty! I think that was for all of the guys who got dragged into the theater by their wives or girlfriends.

Anyway the movie begins in present day where this team of expeditioners are out in the ocean searching for the “Heart of the Ocean.”  They find the safe where the diamond should be, but they are shit out of luck. All they find are some nudy pictures and monopoly money.

Apparently this necklace was worn by some king. I think it was King Leo. It looks like one huge fucking diamond. I assume they used cubic zirconium in the movie.

So there is some old senile women who heard about these guys on television and she meets the team on their boat. She is like a hundred years old and claims to be this rich hotty on the ship who was painted nude with the diamond around her neck. “Wasn’t I a dish?” So the movie took to place in 1997 and the old lady would be dead or oldest person ever.

She then tells her story about the Titanic. It’s kind of like film Aladdin. Leo is a street rat and Kate is some rich bitch. And she feels trapped. Leo and his friend win a poker hand and win a ticket on the Titanic. And Leo says he is the luckiest guy. How ironic.

Kate can’t stand the pain any longer and is about to jump off the ship. What a brat. Is your life of luxury too much for you? So what if she is getting married to someone she doesn’t love. I mean Zane is a hunk. Wait scratch that. And think of all of the bad marriages there are.

It just so happens that Leo spots her on edge of the ship about to jump off and he tells her how freezing the water would be. Like your coldest shower ever. Apparently with hundreds of passengers, there was nobody else on the deck to witness this.

Leo saves her. And she saves her from herself. They fall deeply in love. I too wish to I know what love is. Leo paints a nude picture of her. Kate says her heart was beating like crazy and it was the most erotic moment of her life. “At the time.” You hoar. They run away from Zane and his lackey and they fuck in a car. How romantic.

So the rich guy wants to make headlines again, this time for the speed of Titanic. Well he did make headlines. As you know dipshit lookout watchman didn’t have the damn binoculars for some retarded reason and didn’t see the iceberg. And it was just the tip of the iceberg. Whoops.

Obviously the coolest part of the movie is when the ship is about to sink. It’s a very surreal atmosphere. They don’t have enough life boats because the deck seemed crowed and any nearby boats think they’re just partying.

So it’s women and children first. Meaning the men are fucked. There was one douche that got onto the boat. How could you live with yourself? I would just get hammered and maybe O.D. before I freeze to death or drown.

And do you really need men steering the life boats? “Don’t worry, I will volunteer to steer the life boat but I need the assistance of my friend here.”

The ship is starting to break apart and it’s a mad scramble. And as you know, to calm down everyone the band played on. I don’t know who was in the band. Maybe vocals, drums, piano and trumpets. And the best part is when the ship is tilting and people are falling down hitting everything like human plinkos.

Again, Leo and Kate hold on to the very end and then plunge into the freezing cold water. Too bad Leo can’t find a piece of wood big enough for both of them. Thanks bitch, had you got onto the lifeboat he would be still alive. Leo dies but Kate is rescued.

And earlier Zane gave her his trench coat, with the Heart of the Ocean in the pockets. Wait a second, if old Kate was narrating the story, then wouldn’t she tell them about the Heart of the Ocean? Or do she not give away all of the details?

So we see how her life turned out in America. “A women’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” Then she tosses the Heart of the Ocean over the ship. Whoops. She had the Heart of the Ocean all along. Thanks bitch, you could have sold it or at least tell them they are wasting their fucking time and money. I hope she is on another ship that sinks.

Japan

I Think I’m Turning Japanese

I love Japanese culture and I love big cities. And the Japanese love America. I hope that includes Canada. Cool flag by the way. So here is my roast of the Rising Sun.

I’d travel to Japan but I’m scared of going alone and getting lost. But there’s bound to be Japanese people that speak English.

“Do you know where a pay phone is? I am Canadian?” “Canadian, yes, yes. No phone. Only cell phone.” “Can I borrow yours?” “No, no. Charge long distance.” “Then where is the embassy?” “Embassy. Yes, yes. Go down Nigodaya and turn left at Nidogaya and follow Nidogaya to Nigodada.”

So I wish I could speak and write in Japanese. And I wish my friends could too. How cool would it be to talk Japanese with other people around and they have clue what we are talking about. You could be making fun of the fat chick or the dude with the stupid hat. But alas I missed my window of opportunity and I am too damn old to learn another language.

And Japanese script is so confusing. One little scribble could mean an entirely new letter or word or syllable. They all look the same to me. I can hardly even write in English now since I pretty much only type on my computer and I only really need it when I’m writing my signature or jotting down someone’s name and number.

Then there are Japanese tattoos. I don’t like tattoos in general. I don’t think we should deface our body with permanent pictures and words like we are living canvas. It’s one thing to have a cool tattoo. My brother has some cool ones. But there are many shitty ones. One kid I play hockey with has all of this random shit on his body.

I think Japanese and Chinese words look cool. After all their language is like an art. Just make sure you know the translation before hand. I have heard of people getting the wrong translation.

On the show a 1,000 Ways to Die, the tattoo artist was supposed to write “warrior” or something but ended up being “douche bag’ or something. Dude is pissed and chases the guy but the guy gets killed before the guy was able to kill hm. I forget how.

My mom likes to buy Canadian because we should support our economy. But I only trust Japanese electronics. I don’t even know if we export or even have any Canadian electronics at all. When’s the last time you have opened up a Blue-ray player made in Canada? I mean we are only known for loggers, syrup, hockey and sadly Justin Bieber.

Japan is the home to Nintendo, the greatest video company there ever was. It’s actually means “leave luck to heaven” in Japanese. But alas, Sony and Microsoft are taking over the pies. I used to pick every Nintendo console but I think I’m going to go with an Xbox One this time. And then maybe buy a Wii U later.

Do you remember Yoshi? I think the lovable dinosaur was called Yoshi because it is a very common last name in Japan. Just read the credits at the end of the game. I love walking around eating things. Too bad he’s chickenshit in Haunted Houses and Dungeons. And red Yoshi sucks. Then you beat Special Land (haha, sounds like a magical place for retards, haha) and now the turtles turn into Mario heads. It ruins it and looks stupid. So I don’t ever finish it.

My roommate JP introduced me to Anime. I thought anime was gay. It seems a lot of anime feature mainly white people. The character’s eyes and mouths are just slightly too big. And their emotions are erratic. One moment they are super joyful and then they are totally pissed. Like when it’s their the time of the month or they are on blow.

There’s Sailor Moon who is “fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight.” She is accompanied her friends like Sailor Venus and Sail Pluto to kill all of these magical and evil enemies. They wear really; really short skirts and they have nice asses and creamy white thighs.

I don’t know if it’s creepy that it turns me on. I’m joking; too bad they don’t get any older and they are of age. It reminds me of Brittany Spears first video “Beat Me” when she was wearing school uniforms with same haircut and ribbons as Sailor Moon. And she was still smoking hot. I admit I do have a fetish of Japanese women with big boobs in short skirts.

You can tell Sailor Moon’s friends apart by their haircut. Sailor Moon should especially get a hair cut. It’s so damn long that she might trip on it. And she could donate it to cancer patients. It’s either in Japanese with the shitty translation on the bottom or in English with just terrible voice actors. Whoever is the voice of Sailor Moon doesn’t even sound like a teenage girl.

Then there is Dragon Ball Z. I’ll admit I’m not giving it a chance. I met this dude way back saying how he was so into Dragon Ball and how awesome it is. I called him a dork. And never saw him again. I wonder where he is now. So just now I’m watching it on Youtube and they won the award of gayest theme song. And trust me; there are a million gay songs.

First off every guy must hit the gym and use the steroids because they are all in excellent shape. Plus I’d like to know which shampoo they use. The hair stays nice and spiked when they fight. I do love the sound effects. That would be cool to have.

I’m watching it and wondering what the fuck is going on? One episode was twenty minutes. Most of that twenty minutes is a showdown between the good and evil guys. Only they were talking about all of this level crap and final forms and shit.

Then they fly into each other. They punch and kick each other for a solid minute and then it ends. And you have to wait for the next damn episode hoping you’ll see the outcome of this epic battle. Then that enemy returns to get revenge. Now with a whopping level 12!

But there is a ton of cool and serious anime out there. And you don’t notice the subtext after a while. Too bad I lost a few series when my external drive crashed. And I forgot the titles of the series. One was Elfen Lied. A real cool, dark and very violent anime series. Check it out.

Sumo wrestling is Japan’s national sport. I think it started when people thought “hey, you know what would be funny? Getting those two fat guys over there to push each other out of this circle.”

The cool thing about being a sumo is that you can eat whatever you want and how much you want. Like a whole pig with a stick of butter. In fact some have to eat even more to get the edge. What I wonder is, do sumo’s get the ladies? Of course they would be on the bottom or they might be suffocate the poor dear.

Baseball is becoming huge in Japan. The most boring sport there is. Nothing new or exciting ever happens. “Oh, he got a home run again. Oh he caught a ball that was going over the wall.” The only way I’d watch a baseball game is if I have enough beer to drink and those big pretzels.

My buddy Wilson introduced me to sushi. At first I didn’t care for it, but it grew on me. Now I love it and I love going to whatever Chinese restaurant there is. Too bad I can’t hold chopsticks. I don’t know why Asian people use them instead of a knife and fork. I mean they can’t just eat soup without a spoon or cut a steak with a stick of wood. But they are probably easy to wash.

I told this before, but it’s funny. Me and JP went to all you can eat sushi restaurant in London. You get a list or menu and mark down what you want. The catch is if you can’t eat it all, then you have pay for it. It’s makes sense so people won’t order too much and waste it. So we ate our first order and it was delicious. So delicious we ordered again. Soon I couldn’t look at it anymore but I forced it down my throat to save a few bucks. Then three hours later I was hungry again. Go figure.