An Angry Drunken Rant about God

Like all of my religious blogs this is for atheists only. If you believe in God then please don’t read this. I’m a bit drunk so here is just another completely random blog about religion.

Do you find it hilarious that African natives will do a rain dance to make it uh rain? It’s silly. That’s how I think about other religions. I mean look at Israel. They are fighting over the silliest things. Like a wall or some rocks. And you see them bowing and praying to a god that doesn’t respond or even exist. Look at it this way, imagine everyday I kneel in front of my NES and I pray to my NES to defeat my enemies. Wouldn’t that be silly?

I admit I might not be the smartest person around. But I can be wise. And there is a difference. I definitely think I’m wiser than all of these hardcore Islam people that believe in the Koran and think they will get to fuck 72 virgins in the afterlife. I love how they will get that number. On the other hand these crazy fuckers could probably do math, problem solving or whatever better than me. But I can kick their ass at Nintendo.

People say that the Universe began with the Big Bang. How did the Big Bang start off is beyond me. But saying God created the Universe leaves so many more questions unanswered. Like who created God and where is He? Occam’s razor would go with the Big Bang theory.

In fact nowhere in Genesis does it say how God created the Universe. Only Earth, the sun, moon and stars. In an Earth week. I believe people have it backwards and that we are the ones who created God. And what if there is intelligent life out there. Did our God create that planet too?

I like in Genesis where people used to live for centuries and now only live up to 120 years. It’s in the bible. I guess they couldn’t let it be 100 years since people have live well over 100 years and that would make the bible wrong. And the bible can’t be wrong.  Eventually some people will live past 120 years and then these bible authors will have to make it 150 years to be safe.

Religious people don’t realize that dinosaurs lived for millions of years long before people and therefore Earth has been around way longer than 5000 years. Hey there are fossils. Then there is Adam and Eve that my mom says they must have sex with ape people to procreate.

And no, Noah’s Arc never happened. You’re either fucking stupid or insane to believe that Noah and his family captured two of every animal and brought them aboard this massive ship Noah built by himself. They would have to feed and keep all of these animals safe on the ship for days. And then he had to put two of every animal back to where they found them. And God allowed little children to drown. But He loves us.

He could easily just unleash some plague to kill of all the humans or something else instead of wiping out all of the animals. And then you’re left with Noah and his family getting it on to recreate the human race. Maybe with ape people again?

Of course people say ya but these are stories that are not supposed to be taken literally. Like a talking snake that doesn’t have the mental capacity or vocal ability to talk. My big question is well what parts are supposed to be taken literally and what parts are not. You can’t just pick and choose whatever you want.

There are so many contradictions. Like I thought we are all Gods children. But Jesus is God’s only son. God is like a dead beat dad. He never appears or talks to us. It would be so easy for him to just appear in front of a large crowd and lets us know He’s real. Imagine you have never seen your father but he let left you a note saying what to do and what not to do. And he doesn’t visit or doesn’t discipline or reward you. You might think He doesn’t exist.

Here is why I fucking hate God. Why does He allow all of this bad shit to happen that doesn’t have to happen? For example years ago I saw this burn victim on Opera. She was driving when a drunk driver hit her. She got trapped in her car and was set on fire. She was grossly and severally burned. She lost her nose, ears, and lips and was a mess.

And I’m thinking if God is all powerful than why would He allow that to happen? He could have just let her get out of the car and nothing bad would happen. There would be absolutely no need for this horrible accident to occur. And He knew ahead of time anyway. But He loves her.

But people say well He did this or did that for me. My mom actually says thank the good Lord all of the time. Like finding a close parking spot when it’s raining. But you never hear her complain that the Devil did that. I guarantee that anything people think God has done or performed a miracle could be explained in other ways or is a just a coincidence. I bet they count the times something good happened for them and not the times something bad happened for them.

In fact He creates more wars and problems in the name of Him. And each side of some conflict believes there is one God and He’s on their side. I saw this Iraqi lady on T.V. who lost her whole family from bombs that the U.S. has fired upon as they are trying liberate them. And she’s asking why God hasn’t done anything to allow this to happen. You know why? Because He doesn’t exists. By the way I have heard that the U.S. bombed an entire restaurant to get one of Saddam’s sons. Good job assholes.

And what constitutes a human being? All animals start off with so many cells that divide and multiply. At what point is there are just a bunch of cells and at what point is it a baby? Would the baby go to Heaven even though they’re weren’t around long enough for a Heaven to suit them?

You have to think outside the box. The Universe is massive and we are so very insignificant. But we like to feel special and important. I don’t know where Heaven is or if it is in some other dimension? Maybe this is the only life and maybe Hell isn’t for evil people.

I think we a just a bunch of molecules. Those molecules form a person with a brain. And the mind is created by that brain. As a result people are alive and exist until that mind is gone. Some people are happy to be alive and some people feel trapped. Not to sound very corny and cliché but if we want as a human race to progress then we have to stop fighting and squabbling in the name of religion and try to learn to get along.

Top Ten People I Want to Meet

Top Ten People I Want to Meet

If you could choose to meet anyone, dead or alive, who would you want to meet? Here are my top ten people I wish I could meet.

10. Samuel Jackson

Samuel Jackson is one of my favorite actors. He seems like a really cool guy to meet. He starred in so many great movies. Even though he didn’t belong in Star Wars. He’s in a ton of Quentin Taratino films. My favorite movie he was in is Pulp Fiction. And the best part is in the beginning where he and John Travolta are after the briefcase and the guy keeps saying “what.”

9. Chris Farley

It’s sad that Chris Farley has passed away. He seems like a really fun person to hang out with. He was hilarious on SNL. Everyone remembers the one where he is a motivational speaker with the line “when you live in a van down by the river.” I also loved him in the bit where he’s in the restaurant and instead of the coffee he ordered they served him new columbium coffee and he just freaks out. Very funny.

8. Leonardo da Vinci

Leonardo da Vinci is an overall genius and jack of trades who was an integral part of the renaissance movement. He was a revered artist who painted the most famous paintings the Mona Lisa and the Last Supper.  I’d tell him how much those paintings are worth and hope he doesn’t have a heart attack. And I would pay him to paint something for me and then I’d sell it for millions of dollars. Or maybe gazillions of dollars!

7. Bill Maher

Bill Maher has some controversial opinions. Especially criticizing religion. He made a funny and eye opening documentary called Religulous. I would love to meet him in person and discuss religion and politics. And I’d ask him to read this very blogpage and tell me what he thinks of it.

6. Plato

Plato was a brilliant philosopher who lived in ancient Greece. I would love to meet him.  I’d discuss and debate philosophy and mythology. Then I’ tell him all of our pivotal world history moments and even foretell him his own life and death. But then a paradox would occur and cause the space time continuum to collapse upon itself.

5. Shakespeare

Shakespeare is without a doubt the greatest author of all time. I actually loved reading his plays in high school. They were way better than those other boring books we had to read, like the Chrysalids. It’s all about a bunch of freaks.

So my friends called me gay because I like the movie Romeo and Juliet. It’s the same dialog and everything but set in present day. I would ask him to look at my own theatrical play “the Life and Times of Greg” and see what he thinks. And then I’d ask for his autograph.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Back when I was in high school Jennifer Love Hewitt was the hottest chick ever. She’s the only reason why I rented I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. And she starred as Amanda Becket in my favorite party movie Can’t Hardly Wait. I’d ask if she has a boyfriend and if not I’d ask if she would want to go on a date and maybe play putt putt and then make out. And who knows.

4. Will Farrell

Will Farrell is one of the only reasons that kept SNL funny. I’d admit he’s in a lot of good movies and in a lot of shitty movies. But I’d sellout too when people are just throwing money at you. I would love to get high with him. And I’d like to him to read my unfinished script for a psychedelic movie I call “Bad Trip.”

3. Einstein

Obviously Einstein is the most famous mathematician. He is known for the equation E=MC2 (I don’t know how to make it square) and his theory of relativity. I would love to discuss the universe and science with him. And I’d bring him up to date all of our progress in technology and knowledge. I’d meet Steven Hawking but it would take forever to talk to him and I’m not a very patient person. I rather read his thoughts.

2. Hitler

I would love to beat the living shit out of Hitler and lock him up in cell without any food and see how it feels. Once he’s dead I’d cremate him and then flush his ashes in the toilet at Mc Donald’s and then take a shit on them.

1. Jesus

If you guessed Jesus then you are correct. I would love to meet the most famous person to ever live and you’re savoir; Jesus Christ. I would have a billion questions ask about religion and life. Like what’s Heaven or Hell really like?

I would beg him to perform a miracle for me like to turn water into Jagermeister. Or we would order Dominos and when we eat it, it would magically replenish. Then there would still be leftovers that I’d put in the fridge.

I’d have to get a photo with me and him. That way my friends would believe me or that’s one of a Hell of a Photoshop job.  And when my mom is looking at our photo album she would be like “here is Greg’s grade four class pictures. Doesn’t he look cute? Here is Greg with his friends on their high school graduation day. Oh here’s Greg with Jesus Christ. What a nice photo. And here is Greg dressed as a suicide bomber for Halloween.” I also have dirty feet so I’d asked him to clean them.

The Power Went Out

All over my city of Sarnia the power went out the other day, right when I was in the middle of playing Zelda. I was fucking pissed off because I didn’t save for like an hour. And when it came back I didn’t feel like doing the dungeon all over again.

It reminds back in elementary school when your essay or document crashed and you didn’t back it up. My teacher Mrs. Delorme didn’t give a shit. “You should have saved it with a floppy disk.” By the way, did you notice if you took the “s” out it says floppy dik? Haha.

My friends told me they were in the theater when the power went out and everyone was using their cell phones to see in the dark. And some months ago I was in Future Shop when the lights went out for some reason and I heard some guys joking that “lets steal some movies.” It came back in five minutes.

So it was pitch black and a bitch finding the flashlights. And I kept forgetting the power was out as I would keep trying to turn the lights on. But don’t worry, I found my Nintendo DS and played some Zelda.

My mom lit up some candles. Which is sort of a catch 22.  You need the candles to see, but you need the matches to light the candle to see the matches. Or you need the flashlight to see the candles to see the flashlight. And do you remember as kids we had those toy flashlights with different colors?

It makes you think how people get annoyed when the power goes off or just  for a couple of hours. Imagine how you would manage without any power at all. Like in the 18^th century. I guess that’s why people would go to bed once its dark and get up when the sun comes out. I mean what would they do at night anyway? Read a book like Moby Dick, haha dick, by candle light?

I get up at 11:00am and go to bed at 2:00am, with many naps in between. And when I am awake I play video games and watch T.V. And when I have gone out the house I listen to my Ipod 2000.

So I ask you, what would you do without electricity? Obviously that means no T.V. and no video games. If you would be able to have a Gameboy than that means a shitload of Duracell batteries. Without power I can’t recharge my Ipod 2000’s batteries. Or that’s one huge fucking Ipod. And no computers or internet. That means no I Have Issues.

I would have to write my blogs on paper. Too bad I wouldn’t be able to erase or use spell check. What would I do without it? I would probably go through infinity pens and papers. And without T.V. and videogames I have hardly any topics to write about anyway. No Inspector Gadget, no Jurassic Park and no Looney Toons.

And what about food? Without power and microwave dinners what would I eat? I guess I’d have to actually learn how cook and make eggs and sandwiches like everyone else.

Game Shows

Deal or No Deal

Deal or No Deal is the dumbest game show there is. The only reason why it is, or was, so popular is because you could win so much money. Really all there is to the show is picking a number and then being asked to keep the money or guess more numbers. It’s like they’re just giving away money.

The host Howie Mandel is a complete germaphobe. Germaphobes spend so much time washing their hands and they don’t like shaking hands or touching other people. The funniest part is they know they have a problem. My question is do they kiss or have sex with someone else? “Sorry babe, you’re hot but I’m afraid I can’t have sex with you out of fear of getting the flu.”

I do like how they have hot chicks holding onto a briefcase with a number on it. I hope they have a day job. I mean you’re on the show to look good and open your brief case.

I know they choose wacky and zany people to be on the show. And they get greedy. Obviously the audience wants them to keep on going. But I’m yelling at the television to take the offer! They don’t and it is unbearable to watch them lose so much money and see their dreams go down the toilet. I wonder if anyone on the show won a million dollars.

Then they made the dumbest game ever, Deal or No Deal. It’s all the fun of playing on the show without winning any money. So you pick numbers. I’m pretty sure if you’re playing it, you’re going to go as far as possible and say no deal. You won’t be like well I have made so much fake money I think it will make a deal. Then what happens? Does the game congratulate you for winning $100,000?

Jeopardy

As I mentioned earlier, contestants on Deal or No Deal can make thousands of dollars if they know how to count. On Jeopardy you have these brilliant people who study encyclopedias their whole lives and if they win, they can win like $30,000.

The answers work backwards. Each clue is in answer form so contestants ask the question. For example a clue might be “he is a pothead that lives in his parent’s basement.” “Who is Gregera?” If you give the right response you win that amount of money. If you’re wrong than you lose that amount of money. I just hope contestants don’t have to pay how much money they have lost.

There is final jeopardy, which is the last question of the game.  Each contestant must choose how much to wager and then are given 30 seconds to ask the question. While they are thinking you hear the classic jeopardy song. This song has been used all the time when people are thinking. For example I’m at the ice cream store and you could hear the song as I think of what flavor to choose.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

I do! I actually liked the show when it first aired on television. It was fresh and exciting and you wanted to see if anyone could win a million bucks. Then someone did. It was funny because he still had his phone call life line and he called his friend to say I just won a million dollars. I pretty much stopped watching it after that unless there’s nothing else on T.V.

At first you have all the time in the world to think over you’re answer. They changed that because people like me would spend maybe ten minutes to decide. I would take my time with so much money is on the line.

I think the show wanted each contestant to think out loud because it would be pretty boring if the person just stood there. And the games drag on. For every question, there is a commercial. So some people get maybe four questions each episode. I guess it saves money that way. Haha, I’ve seen this chick gets the wrong answer to the second question. And you hear the gasp of the audience. Haha.

The line “is that your final answer” by Regis Philbin has become famous. I mean what kind of sick asshole asks that after each answer. At first you think you have the answer than you’re asked is that your final answer and then you no fucking clue. It’s almost like “are you sure about your answer?”

You have three lifelines. Call a friend, 50/50 and ask the audience.  50/50 is where they remove two answers. Well idiots are talking about the answers and they often say they are thinking between two answers. Then they ask for 50/50 and the producers remove the two choices that they knew were wrong.

As its name implies; call a friend is where you call someone for help. I wonder how many friends you can choose because then I would have like ten friends who each have an expertise and cell phone. It’s funny when the contestant asks how certain their friend is. “I’m 51% sure.”

And whatever you do, don’t ask how they are. “Hi Aaron, how’s it going buddy.” “I am great Greg. How are you doing?” “I’m good. So I’m hoping if you know anything about computers. The question is which…” and the 30secs is up.

Finally they have ask the audience. I’d choose to use this life line for pop culture and not some obscure science question they would not have a clue. And then there are people who used up all of their lifelines for the first few questions.

Wheel of Fortune

Wheel of Fortune is my type of game. It stars Pat Sajak as the host and Vanna White as the hot cougar there to look pretty and turn the letters. Actually now she just touches them. I’m pretty damn good at it. For those who don’t know, you choose letters and try to answer the puzzle. I would pick S R T L N E because they are the most common letters.

You spin the wheel with different cash amounts and other prizes. However there are bad fortunes like bankruptcy or lose a turn; that can costs you the game. And you hear that sad sound. What pisses me off is someone has like $5,000 and the next person has like $500 and they solves the puzzle and fucks the other guy.

And there is one South Park episode where Randy in on the show. The puzzle is missing one letter and the theme is people who bother you. It’s suppose to be Naggers but I’ll let you figure it out on your own.

Are You Smarter Than a 5^th Grader?

I’m not. These questions are hard. Especially for 5^th graders. I can barely answer the first grade questions. And contestants on the shows are picked because they’re complete idiots and are funny to laugh at. This one chick I found on Youtube that was so dumb, she even said she thought Europe was a country. And I’m thinking she must be putting on a show. She couldn’t be that retarded.

Another Top Ten Rap Songs

10.  Choclair:                            Let’s Ride

9.  Puff Daddy, Mase:              Mo Money Mo Problems

8.  The Streets:                         Blinded by the Lights

7.  Wu Tang Clan:                    Triumph

6.  Tu Pac:                               Changes

5.  Jay Z:                                  It’s a Hard Knock Life    

4. Coolio:                                 Gansta Paradise

3.  Pras, Mya, Old Dirty Bastard: Ghetto Superstar

2.  Kanye West:                       Jesus Walks

1.  Dayton Family:                    Flint Town

The Matrix

The Matrix is one fucking awesome sci fi movie. I love Laurence Fishburne as Morpheus. He’s one tough motherfucker. It also stars Keanu Reeves, from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, as Neo. That’s an anagram for the One. Carrie Moss is the ugly dyke Trinity. Joe Pantoliano, one of the Fratelli boys in the Goonies, is the traitor Cypher. And the man behind Elrond the elf is Agent Smith.

As I said, I loved the movie but it’s funnier to make fun of a movie rather than praise it. After all it’s easy to be a critic. I assume you have already watched it. If you haven’t then go rent, buy or download it right now. And don’t read this until after you have seen it or I will spoil it for you. Normally when I blog about movies I take you on a journey scene by scene. But that would take forever and I don’t feel like doing it. So I here are some qualms of mine.

Neo is some programmer for some company. It’s ironic that he is a programmer in a program. At night he searches for the Matrix or the one person known as Morpheus. Just like how I’ve been searching for my real parents. Now Morpheus can be a total dick at times. When Neo asks about the Matrix he says he can’t tell you, or some shit, and that you have to see it for yourself. Fuck you Morpheus; it is pretty fucking easy to tell him.

I’ll try my best to explain it. Robots have taken over the world and because man has scorched the skies the robots have to find another source of energy. Because humans generate heat and electricity the robots harvest humans for energy in endless fields. So the robots programmed an alternate reality, the Matrix, for people in our peak of our civilization. In fact we could be in our own Matrix and not even know it. By the way I wrote an awesome essay about appearance verses reality using the Matrix in philosophy. My T.A. loved it.

Morpheus tells Neo that if you take the red pill, it will free your mind. And by doing so you will live on a shitty spaceship, eat shitty food, fly around aimlessly and fight off robots that try to hunt you down. I hope Morpheus doesn’t get them mixed up. “Or was it the blue pill? Whoops.”

Like Cypher I think I would go with the blue pill. I couldn’t give a shit if I was in the Matrix and everything wasn’t real. As Cypher puts it; ignorance is bliss. He decides to make a deal with one of the Smiths to get them Morpheus in exchange for putting him back into the Matrix, and make him rich. He kills half the crew but Tank lives and takes Cypher down.

So back up a bit. Neo swallows the red pill and boom he wakes up in this pod with all of this gross slime and shit. He unplugs these tubes attached to him. Then he sees all of these pods in the middle of these massive crops. He falls down what looks like an awesome water slide. The gang rescues him. He wakes up with no hair. And a day later it has grown in. It reminds me when we cut off one of our friend’s eyebrows just a week before grad pictures.

They remove all but one of the plugs. With the one left on the back of his neck he can plug into a machine much like the holodeck from Star Trek. Because Tank and Dozer were born in the real world they don’t have these plugs. Which sucks because I would rather just live in the simulated program than live on a shitty ship with no Nintendo. I mean you could have any girl you’d want or a giant trampoline.

Another program can teach anyone, anything in a matter of seconds. That would be so much easier than going to school. For example after five seconds in the learning program Neo says “I know Jujitsu.” That would be awesome. I’d be there in ten seconds and I’d say “I know Latin.” Or “I know how to quilt.” Or “I learn to make my own webpage.” He learns to fight and demonstrates super speed, but he couldn’t catch a lamp he knocked over at the Oracle’s place.

Speaking of which, the Oracle was very ambiguous when Neo visited her. First off, she was wrong about a couple of things such as Morpheus’s death. Second she could just tell them exactly when and where something crucial would occur. And she could have warned them about Cypher killing half the crew. But she bakes some good muffins. But are the muffins real? Hun, think about that.

The crew often enter the Matrix for whatever reasons. And once inside they have access to millions weapons or one Hell of a walk-in closet. They decide to go with the leather look. “Dammit Neo we all said we were going to wear Gothic clothes.” “But these jeans are Tommy Hilfiger. And this sweater cost $200.” And in the Matrix if you get killed you die in real life.

The Smith agents are robots designed to hunt the resistance fighters. They like to wear nice suits and some sweet shades. I think they are Oakley’s. The cool part is that they can take over the body of anyone in the Matrix. I noticed they hardly take over many women, if at all.

So it bothers me that the gang has total disregard for human life. They have to kill innocent people that get in the way or because anyone could potentially become a Smith. This really bugs me because this is peoples’ lives we are talking about. I mean would they shoot a little girl? “Why did you have to shoot her in her face?” “She could have been a Smith. And I’m not taking any chances.”

In order get teleported back to the ship you need to use a telephone for whatever stupid reason. But it doesn’t work with a cell phone; you need a regular phone or phone booth. Which sucks because everyone but me has a cell phone now.  Now there are hardly any phone booths left. And if there were someone on the phone you’d have to kill him. In fact Superman is facing the same dilemma. He now uses the John.

Near the end Morpheus is captured and guarded by the Smiths in a building. They are trying to break him so he will give up information and the location of the last surviving city Zion. Neo and Trinity try to save him. My favorite part is when Neo and Trinity go through the metal detector with a shit load of guns and then they kill all of the guards. Some of which have families. Neo gets killed by the Smiths. But he’s the chosen one. So Trinity kisses him and Neo magically gets back to life. That’s nice. But when I kissed my dead dog, nothing happened.

Anyway Neo and Agent Smith have a final showdown and Neo finally begins to believe. And he kills Smith. Um I don’t know if I missed a part but I thought Smith could take control of someone else and not be killed. And I thought he wanted to be killed or “get out of this place.” The movie ends with the awesome Rage Against Machine song Wake Up as Neo pulls a Superman and flies around. Then there is also the good movie Matrix Reloaded. And the not so good Matrix Revolutions.

How to Make a Blogpage like Me

I’m just going to say thanks for all of the positive feedback by fans. I appreciate comments even though I don’t always say thankyou or respond to each one. Mainly because I don’t know what to say other than “awesome.”

Now I have heard that a lot of people asking how I started my webpage and how to make their own. Well I actually have a blogpage that is created by blogspot.com.  It’s not too hard to make, just go search blogger.com or blogspot.com. You need an email and you have to fill out some personal info and blogger will take you step by step. It shouldn’t take too long. You have to make a password as well.

It’s a webpage that’s on the net. But you don’t have a real domain name. For example my blog name is “gregera.blogspot.com.” I’m looking to get something like “gregera.com.” After over two and half a years Norton has yet to approve my site as safe. So I think I want a real webpage to get more traffic. I have bought a device that gives you a free webpage and pays for your first three months. I plan on using it.

The cool part about bloggers is that it’s free and they do all of the work for you. You can even make some money if your site is approved. Mine isn’t. Maybe because I use Corky’s face. Maybe because I write about drugs.

You have to decide on a name. Mine is obviously I Have Issues. It’s not the best, but at the time that’s all I could think of. Now I think I should have called it my high school nickname Gregera. Or maybe “A Blog by Your Friendly Neighborhood Stoner.” And you can select some premade templates and layout.

So you click on new post. Then you have the options like font, color, links, and so fourth. Then you publish it. You can view it any time. I normally like to make a link to Facebook for each blog for my friends to visit.

It will show about ten blogs and then there is the archives of all of your old blogs. I recommend on writing in word and then post it. In fact it takes me longer to polish my grammar than write the damn thing. You will also have comment box where people like you make comments.

And I like checking my statistics. It tells you how many people have visited, when and from what country. It’s funny how people found mine. It will start with only a few people that stumbled on to it but by word of mouth you’ll get more. As of now I have almost 7000 pageviews and 315 blogs. Which isn’t that much really. I mean Maddox gets something like 100,000 pageviews for each writing and or picture. But he’s way smarter and funnier than me.

It even shows keywords that people have entered to get to your site. For example people have searched for octum’s razor and found my site. The funny thing is that it’s actually Occam’s razor or Ockham’s razor. But people like me thought that’s how you spell it. I get a ton of pageviews thanks to octum’s razor. And that’s pretty much it. I will love you to make a link to my page. So go forth and make your own webpage and be the next I Have Issues.

Robocop

Robocop is a classic 80s movie where after a cop gets killed they transform his body into a half human, half robot cop called; you got it, Robocop.

The movie takes place in a crime ridden Detroit City, Michigan. Detroit is already considered a dangerous and ghettoish city. But it’s pretty sad that they need Robocop so badly. I think they should have had a black Robocop with more colorful lines. “Drop that get! I’m Robohomey motherfucker.”

OCP is this evil company that has created a huge robot called ED-209. I think they should have called it ED-2000, because it sounds cooler. But whatever. They test the ED-209 and it ends up shooting an executive to bits. And all douche has to say is I’m very disappointed. That’s a huge lawsuit just waiting to happen.

I wonder how exactly this weapon machine would enforce the law?  Even it was properly controlled. It’s just a bit overkill with those missiles. You never see cops with rocket launchers. And how could ED chase suspects? I think they should have deployed him in the Middle East and kick some terrorist ass.

Murphy is a cop who is moved on his first day to the worst precinct in Detroit.

The cops warn him about the all of the scums and villainy. Again another blow to the reputation of Detroit. Murphy and his new ugly partner officer Anne team up. Doesn’t the name Murphy sound like a typical cop name? I find it funny that even when he was a human he sounds like a robot.

They have a car chase and shootout with some bad guys. They call backup and some bitch tells them there is none available. I mean really, no backup in the whole city? The bad guys are firing machine guns and there are a ton of witnesses. They should at least have a swat team. They chase them to an abandon building. The gang’s leader is That’s 70 Show’s Red Forman. I kept thinking he’s going to call everyone dumbasses.

Anne is injured, so it’s up to hero Murphy. He gets shot to pieces. I’d think he would be killed but they try to revive at the hospital anyway. Normally someone would contact his wife and son. And normally they would bury him. I’d think his family would want some answers or at least be notified that he’s now Robocop. I’m sure his son would miss him very much, but having Robocop as your dad would kick ass. It will be like in elementary school where each kid says his dad could beat up your dad. “No, trust me. My dad could kick all of your dad’s asses.”

Murphy signed a waver for being a cop and apparently that allows them to do whatever they want with his body. I don’t think there was a clause that if you’re dead they can turn you into a cyborg. Being a cop they turn him into a crime fighting machine that unlike ED-209 can be programmed to fight crime with a human touch. I have read that the metal suit cost a million dollars each.

They decide to erase his memory. But the man behind Robocop still has lingering memories of his family. Such as playing catch with the boy or making sweet anal sex with his wife. Now if they erase his memory does that mean he loses all of his police training too? Me on the other hand lose my memory every time I drink and smoke weed. In fact I kept forgetting who is evil or who is working in the inside. So I assume everyone is.

So they just let Robocop go out and fight crime. You’d think he would at least have a human partner and some practice runs. I mean what happens if he accidently shoots a jay walker or a kid with a water gun? “I will give you three seconds to drop that marijuana joint or I will fire at you.” By the way, do they pay him; does he get two week vacations and a good pension?

In one scene there is a robber stealing money from a safe at a Kwik-E-Mart. The clerk presses a button. I’m assuming one that alerts the police. Apparently they didn’t have cameras in the 80s. Robocop is there in like 30 seconds. How convenient. The robber fires his shotgun but does no damage to Robocop. Robo breaks the gun and then clotheslines him. And Robo just leaves. I mean what? Who the Hell is going to arrest and detain said robber?

Then Robocop just so happens to be at another crime scene. He saves a woman from some thugs by shooting the guy in the nuts. I understand they are criminals and maybe rapists, but you don’t shoot guy in the family jewels. That’s just mean.

Then one of Red’s gang members robs a gas station and I’m thinking why would he commit such a petty crime when his gang has all of that cocaine money. Robocop fires and hits one of the gas pumps. The bad guy gets away and throws a cigarette as he leaves. And the gas station explodes. Good job Robocop, now the clerk dies in a horrible explosion. I don’t know about you but I think everyone, especially the clerk, would be much better off had Robocop done nothing.

After the robber said he knew Robocop, Robocop looks up his profile in the bat computer. Robocop also looks up Red who killed him. Then he finds out about Murphy being deceased and has some more flashbacks. So vigilante storms the gang’s drug warehouse and kills a ton of bad guys. They’re nailing him like crazy and I’m thinking why don’t they shoot him in the mouth?

Robocop finally apprehends Red. Red squeals to save his hide which Robocop records on his 16gb hard drive. With that Robocop tries arrest the head executive of OCP but is stopped by the ED-209. Robocop heads down the stairs and ED-209 can’t walk down them. What a shitty design flaw. And I’m thinking how the fuck did they get it upstairs. There’s no way it could use the elevator. However the police are ordered to finish him off.

And the police are threatening to strike because of all of these cop casualties in the line of duty. I understand maybe garbage men or teachers go on strike. Without garbage men everything starts to stink and without teachers students don’t learn. But cops? That’s not cool. And that’s’ all the more reason for having robocops. So without cops there are crime sprees and anarchy.

Anne helps repair Robocop and they go after Red and his goons in an abandon factory. Idiot tries to run over Robocop and runs right into toxic waste. He doesn’t gain super powers. He dies a horrible death. Anne gets shot. I’m sure she’s fine. Robocop returns to OCP. But I won’t ruin the ending. What I think they really need is Robodog. With a robot bark and super robotic nose and ears.