Edward Normal Hands
Edward Scissor Hands is a classic movie starring a young Johnny Depp as Edward. If you haven’t seen it then stop reading this blog because there are spoilers. And by spoilers, I mean I give away the whole damn movie. So go out and rent it at Blockbuster and watch it. And then you can enjoy this blog. Haha, Blockbuster. Who rents from there nowadays?
Do you ever hear the sang that “it’s only a movie”? Or ask “how could that possibly happen?” Often times my mom says why didn’t he just do that? Then there wouldn’t be a movie then would there. This happens in Edward Scissor Hands.
The movie begins with some old lady telling bed time stories to her granddaughter. She tells the story of Edward Scissor hands and why it snows there.
Obviously Edward has these scissor hands. They are kind of like Freddy Kruger’s claws only he can’t take them off. And unlike Wolverine he can’t retract them either. But what a badass. I wouldn’t fuck with him.
So there is this mad scientist that creates robots. Some of those robots make cookies for example. I have no idea how he sells them or if he eats them himself? Well crazy scientist picks up a heart shaped cookie and decides to make a robot with a heart. And he makes this robot with fucking razor sharp claws as hands. How could he give shake hands or give a high five?
Throughout the movie we hear that Edward was incomplete. And the scientist died right before he was about to give the freak hands. Which makes you think why he didn’t he just make him hands in the first place. Instead of making these weapons as hands. So this is when there wouldn’t be a movie if Eddy here got hands.
So why did loony scientist give him fucking scissors hands? What a sick fuck. I don’t know how he could survive without killing himself. First off how does dress himself? Or take a leak. Or jerk off. Then he could easily stab himself while he is sleeping. And have you ever heard your mom say don’t run with scissors. Haha, I guess Ed shouldn’t run at all. Haha.
The story beings on a suburban street with the same bright colored homes. And there are no token black people. Peg is an Avon lady going door to door trying to sell her beauty products. But nobody wants any. For one thing Peg isn’t exactly a beautiful person.
I mean, I could be in the middle of a dungeon in World Warcraft and be interrupted by someone who feels I need facial cleansers. Which I do, but I rather go to a store. It’s funny; a friend of mine is selling air purifiers or something dumb.
It reminds me when Mormons go to people’s homes trying to peddle their stupid religion. It’s almost like when you were kids and played nicki nicki nine doors. I preferred to go to rich people’s homes because it takes them longer to answer the door.
My mom actually invited some Mormons in so they can have a heated debate. They weren’t expecting that. I mean how many people do they actually convert into Morons anyway. If at all. Editor’s note: I accidently called them Morons instead of Mormons. I think that’s funny. But I’m actually considering to go to their insane masses and have a good laugh.
So Peg decides to go to the huge dark creepy mansion up on this tall cliff to sell some beauty products. Not the best idea because I don’t think people who live in haunted mansions care about their pores or finger nails. And wouldn’t the gothic mansion be an eyesore to everyone who lives there?
Peg goes to the front gate and when nobody answers she decides to sneak in. If she had any common sense she would leave right away. Of course then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.
Peg sees all of these hedge sculptures and such. And she is amazed. Then she sees Edward and she freaks out. If I was her I’d run away and most likely piss in my pants. Then there wouldn’t be a movie no would there. But she has a change of heart and decides to take him home with her.
He meets Peg’s husband and son who initially freak out. But they soon like him. So Ed is having trouble eating with scissors as hands. But for Thanksgiving he could always carve the turkey. But I don’t know how he ate when he lived all by himself in the mansion. But hey, it’s a movie.
And for whatever stupid reason he sleeps on a water bed. And Ed pokes a hole and water shoots out everywhere. Who could see that coming? I remember my babysitter had a waterbed. It was fun. You’d think it would be comfortable but apparently it’s really bad for the back.
Everyone along the street are gossiping about this mysterious man. And there are a ton of cougars out on the prowl that are turned on by his claws. They hit on him every chance they get. Too bad they are all ugly. I don’t know why they would like to fuck him when he could accidently stab them. I’m sure he could still get a blow job.
So Edward puts the claws to good use and decides to cut people’s hedges. I don’t know why everyone has these huge hedges, but hey it’s just a movie. He does a good job even though I don’t know how he could reach the really tall ones. Unless he has a ladder.
Then he decides to give this poodle a nice trim. Redhead cougar sees this and asks for a haircut. So he gives all of the cougars haircuts. But they are just terrible, terrible haircuts. My mom used to give me haircuts. And now I’m balding on top and once you reach a certain point you might as well shave it all off. And now I’m really depressed.
So Peg forgets to tell her daughter Winona Ryder about a mysterious man with claws that is staying in her bedroom. She of course freaks out. I would too. And poor Edward falls for her. Too bad she has a boyfriend. He is the nerd from the Breakfast Club and wow he has filled out and became a tough guy. I will call him Asshole.
Later on Edward carves an ice sculpture and Winona
So Asshole is drunk and is about to hit Winona
Well Winona Winona Winona Winona
We are back with Winona
