Oh Canada

I see that I got some hits from the States. Greeting neighbor.  I’m from a quant town Sarnia, Ontario. I hope you know where Ontario is. I don’t read the paper or watch the news. I do watch a lot of American television, which we basically call television. I probably know more America than my own country. But I bet the average Yankee knows even less about Canada.  We got the best of both worlds. We have a lot of the same things but half of the world doesn’t hate us. I bet even Kim Jong likes us. Canadians, ha, what are they going to do, shoot hockey pucks at us? So here are some myths and truths about Canada.

We are just as proud as you are, but we don’t flaunt it. Part of our pride is that we aren’t so patriotic. You rarely see any homes with flags. I don’t know who originally designed our flag. I would have put on a dragon or something on it instead of a leaf. But we have come to love our symbol. Our mascot is a lovable beaver and not some bird with male pattern baldness.

I hear you guys making fun of our money. Calling it monopoly money. Well imagine playing monopoly with only green bills. How fun would that be? It’s so easy, a five dollar bill is blue, a ten is purple, a twenty is green – you get the idea. I don’t like searching through a wallet full of one dollar bills for a twenty. And I don’t like ordering pizza and accidentally tipping the driver a twenty when I’m all drunk. And I have come to like our loonies and toonies. Much easier to use at vending machines than a tattered bill.

Our weather can be cold but we don’t live in igloos. About 90% of our population is near the border. In fact Sarnia is near the tip of Ontario and southern to some of the States, like New York. I have heard of idiots wearing winter jackets in the middle of July when they visit Canada. Our country is bigger than the States but a large chunk of it very cold and depressing and pretty uninhabitable.

The metric system. I know people are resistant to change but changing to the metric system would make things entirely easier. Measurements go by tens or decimals. So ten millimeters would equal one centimeter and a hundred cm would equal one meter and a 1000 meters would equal a kilometer. Get it. But I’m sure all of those football fans would never approve of it. Our temperature goes by Celsius. Zero would be freezing temperature, 25 C would be a nice day and 100 C would be boiling point. Much easier for scientists. I use pounds for my body weight but grams for weighing my weed. So 3.5 grams of weed would be a half quarter, each gram would be about ten bucks and half of a gram would be an average joint

We are bilingual. But that’s to keep Quebec happy. The only French words I know is Je ne parle pas Francis. Very annoying, all of our products, like cereal, have both translations. For instance I have a Zelda manual in French. But the game is only in English so what’s the point? What a waste of paper.

Funny story I rented South Park the Movie and watched it in the French version. Wow they butchered it. The guy who does Cartman’s voice tries too hard and sounds like an idiot. It’s funny I was at a party and pretty burnt. They were playing rap music while I watched South Park and it looked like the characters were singing the rap songs. Try it. And I love it when South Park makes fun of us. No we don’t have flapping heads.

We definitely use the word eh all of the time. It’s part of my vocabulary, eh. I never heard anyone say aboot before. I think that’s a Newfy thing. I live by the border of Michigan and wow, separated by just a river, there is a huge difference. Like people saying hackey. And some of our spellings are slightly different. For example I would spell favorite favourite or color colour with the extra u. And my damn word program keeps saying I spelt it wrong.

Food. Once again we get best of both worlds. We have Mc Donald’s and Burger King but we also have Harvey’s where you pick the toppings you like. And they actually barbeque it and not put under some lamp. We have ketchup chips. I have no idea why you don’t have that. We have milk bags instead of milk cartons and many more little things.

We have Mounties but I have no idea what they do. I’ve never seen one on horse patrolling the streets. Pot is not legal but it’s not illegal. And we don’t have hand guns like you. I’m a little divided about that. It’s not a good idea for the kids to have a gun lying around. But I think a grandma could use the protection. Either way I think the Constitution is a bit dated.

Our beer is of course better and stronger. That’s a fact. Kokanee or Molson Canadian our my favourites. But I do like that fact that you can buy beer really cheap, anytime and at any store. I’ve been on many beer runs over the boarder when the Beer Store is closed.

We have all of the same shows as you and more. So we get Golden Girls but also Kenny vs. Spenny, Trailer Park Boys and Kids in the Hall.  Same with music bands. Some of my favourite Canadian bands are Matthew Good Band, Rush, the Tragically Hip, Sum 41 and Our Lady Peace. To learn more, rent Canadian Bacon.

We can travel to Cuba. And we have become  to be known as snow birds. This is because so many of our retirees spend their Winters in Florida just like our annoying Canadian geese. And it’s always a good idea to have some sort of Canadian badge or something on your luggage or back pack... because everybody like us.

Being Serious for a Moment.

What happened to Japan was awful. But I would be more concerned about my family or friends if something happened to them. I guess its human nature to care about your closets people and not worry every time something happens to someone you don’t know. How would we you operate if you worried about every time someone dies. I mean thousands of people die every minute. You couldn’t function with all of that guilt. And I guess out of sight is out of mind.

The Kingdom of Hell

I know I talk the shit out of religions. I just find them silly and amusing. In fact I want to write a book Blind Faith. I consider Christianity as crazy as Greek Mythology. But I think faith is a good thing in moderation.  I thinks great for the average person; they might may or may not go to church or take the bible literally. But they believe in God and if they do good deeds they go to heaven. That’s super; I wish I could believe in God again. But I chose the red pill.

Anyway unless you’re a fellow atheist or have a strong conviction, please don’t read the rest of this blog. The last thing I want to do is convert someone. Thanks Greg I don’t believe in heaven anymore and life is meaningless. But I bet the curiosity is killing you. Here’s three more theories of mine about heaven.

First here’s my Genesis theory. There are two contradicting stories. One says that man was created first followed by the animals. The other one says no the animals were created first and man was created last. Am I the only one that notices this? But people say oh that’s just a story not meant to be taken literally. The problem then is how can you pick and choose what is literal and what is not. I mean there are obscured passages that condemn homos. Why wouldn’t the writers just say it loud and clear how Jebus feels about it. So how do we know if there is a heaven or it’s made up?

Second is my what is heaven like theory? Nobody knows. You would think something as fucking important as heaven would be in the bible. We have no details about it accept that we live on clouds in the sky. How does it work, are the physics the same; are we still made of molecules? It makes no sense really.

Then there is my Grape Fruit Rollup theory. Consider a two mile grape fruit rollup a timeline of existence. Life on Earth would be like a sugar molecule. It would be so insignificant compared to heaven. Like how the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant to the power of the force. I don’t even see the point of this life, why wouldn’t we all just chill in heaven. Sure we want child molesters to burn in hell forever, but I think the Big Guy would forgive some guy who robbed a Kwiki mart after burning 300 years in Hell.

The Butterfly Effect

Life is like a game of plinkos. Who knows where it’s going?  You could get the big money. But put it the exact same spot and get zero. Who know’s what happened, some smoker could have coughed and change the projectory of the plinko. I don’t like the Price Is Right. Inflation could fuck with the prices. And it’s painful to watch someone lose. Sure they’re smiling right now, but I bet choosing the wrong price of a tampon will haunt them forever.

My point is that something entirely insignificant could drastically change a person’s life forever. I’m serious when I say this, had Ale Gore won the election the entire world would have been different and better off. But for some stupid reason, the ballots got messed up and he lost to like to 2500 votes (I don’t know the numbers). And you got Bush Jr. the Retard. I guarantee that Gore would never attack Iraq or go after Suddam. Sure he’s evil or was (Suddam not Gore) but they were much better off with him. I would rather vote for the president than our own prime minister because I think that would affect me more.

Now the war is dragging on and costing a billion dollars a week. Think what you could good you could do with all of the money. So now you get vets killed or injured and it breaks my heart. And now all because of this, gas prices have almost doubled and commodities have risen in prices because all of the fuel truckers use. Now you have a lot of people who can barely feed their own family. Thanks Bush and now President Obama is left with al of this shit to clean up.

Canada Is The Greatest Country of the World (I hope that stirs the pot)

Cool I was checking out my stats and some foreign people have viewed my page. I thought I would have only Canadian fans because I only advertised it on facebook. Sweet I wonder how they came across it. Maybe the searched the following key words: weed, pot, beer shit, bomb or Golden Girls. I wish I could figure out how many people have read it instead of how many times they read it. So spread the word like Charlie Sheen spreads herpes. And how do you set it that so anyone can post comments on my page without being a member?

Something Seems Fishy - My Biggest Blog Yet

The biggest fish I have ever caught was a massive cat fish at Twin Lakes Park. What a fight; I was up against the Tyson of fish. I finally landed him or her. I tried pulling the hook out with my trusty pliers but the whole time it kept jumping and squirming around. I’m your friend, let me help you. I was about to just screw it and cut the line. But I didn’t want some poor fish to have a fucking hook down her throat.

The problem now is ducks. They have become conditioned to people feeding them. So out of fear of hooking some cute ducklings (I love when baby ducklings follow momma duck in a single file) I have to move locations. But they follow me. I was chucking rocks near them but they thought it was bread. And then there’s geese shit all over the place. Most annoying bird.  I hate the fact they are protected or I would blow them away with death ray. And where do they go in winter?

Salt water fishing is awesome. You can catch anything. Instead of the conventional worm you usually use shrimp or squid. I fished off a pier a couple of times, it was fun. But even better is deep sea fishing. You get onto this boat that has a capacity of fifty anglers, but usually only a third show up. They drive out about forty minutes into the ocean and stop at some hot spots for like 20 minutes. Along the way we saw dolphins swimming with us, it was awesome. They supply the rod, bait and everything and help out if needed. It was so easy. All you did was drop the line down to the bottom and wait until you feel a pull and reel him or her in. For some reason my dad’s line had two hooks. So we baited them both thinking to double our odds. Well he caught two fish at the same time. I think there is a picture somewhere. Everyone was catching fish like crazy. Me only caught I think were groupers and bass. But my dad caught a flounder. What a funny looking fish. Some guy caught a baby hammer head shark. I would have kept it and put on my mantle right next to Billy the Bass. And there were many more random catches. I got seasick half way through both times. The second time I thought I was prepared; I took a shit load of gavel. But it was all in my head. Don’t get sick again, don’t get sick. I’m sick. Land ho. At the dock they skin them and you go to the restaurant to have them cooked. But you don’t end up with nearly as much as you would expect. But still great eat even Captain Jack would approve of.

My dad has been working on his koi pond ever since O.J. was funny. Too bad the heater broke this year because of some electrical problem and he lost all of his fishes. Some big ones like ten years old. But he just got some more baby ones, Koi the Next Generation. (apparently koi isn’t in this word dictionary. I wonder if the people at Microsoft even know they exist. Haha I spelt dictionary wrong). Before that we had an aquarium I always tried staying up to catch them sleeping. I guess they don’t. And why can you feed them too much? I never knew fish could get fat, I thought they just get bigger.

Being a fish would suck. You don’t sleep because you are so paranoid that you will get eaten by a bigger fish. Always on alert, fish don’t have a chance to relax and have a cup of. Jo.  And you think fish would catch onto these baits and lures. Did you hear about Bob? Ya, pulled out onto the land. Another one. Word is it’s those shinny jaggy things that are going around.  (once again ya is underlined and the closest is suggestion is yaw. Are they from Finland?)

On a side note, I used to think mermaids from the Little Mermaid were hot. But later I  realized the bottom half of a mermaid is a fucking fish and you would be banging a fish. I wonder how the make babies. Do mermaids have one baby at a time like humans or lay some eggs. And I wonder what their kids would look like look like. And did you catch the priest at the wedding getting a boner?

Imagine a fish went fishing for you! You would grab a $20 dollar bill and the hook would dig right into your palm at which point you’d be sucked into the water. And nobody knows what happens.

Bears Taking a Shit

So you’re watching a good episode of Charles in Charge and then you see a sick Charmin toilet paper commercial. It’s worse than tampon commercials. Little bear you have been getting skid marks on your underwear using that competing toilet paper. Have you ever try Charmin?  But dad, kids don’t buy toilet paper, their parents do. So why the fuck would you buy both brands and not tell me sooner. You been seeing all of these shit stains I have left on the couch. Checkmate. I think most people don’t give a shit (haha shit, what a good play on words) on what paper they use. I’m sure they all work fine. I even use leafs when I run low. I don’t get paper bits left on my ass and some commercial about cartoon bears wiping their bear ass (haha zing) isn’t going to persuade me to get Charmin. In fact I will use the next leading brand out of spite and I don’t care if it’s gentle on my ass.

Sugar High

Speaking of Kwiki Mart (it’s actually Daisy Mart, but I like to pretend its Kwiki Mart) here’s a classic tale. I always go there to get 5 cent candies and put them in a small clear bag they provide. Well I ate all of them and put the bag in my pocket. I don’t like to litter. My mom’s doing the laundry and finds the bag. There was still some sugar left and my mom thinks its drugs. She confronts me and is like Gregory James Merchant (she says my full name when she’s angry with me) is this drugs, is this meth? I relax and assure her that the bag is for candy and that’s sugar not meth.

Greg Merchant the Super Hero

For anyone who doubted that there is some obscured Super Hero named after me. Here’s a link. www.danwickline.com/site/works/ It’s called Force and I would love to get a copy.

LOST

One of the things I like to do is get really baked and get lost. Today I left home, grabbed my recharged Ipod and traveled to the Kwiki Mart. A popular destination I stocked up on supplies. I got tons five cent candies, nerds, Mike Ikes and a wonder bar. I forgot how many five cent candies I got and just gave a good estimate.  It came to something like $5.67 I gave a $5 bill and tried to give correct change. Without my trusty calculator, I failed to add up the 67 cents and after two minutes just gave him a looney.. By the way I wasn’t even high yet. I then went to Murphy Brown beach to smoke some weed in the wind, very annoying. Some girl was into some diary and an old guy walked by. I didn’t even try to hide my pipe, and just said hi, nice weather eh. From there I headed east. After long march  and without a public beach in sight, I decided to cut through someone’s yard. I was just so happening to listen to Sabotage by the Beastie Boys, very exhilarating at the time. And like Moses in the dessert, I was lost. But it was really fun. Why did Moses travel the dessert for 40 years? Because someone dropped a quarter. So I finally came to those nature trails and try to find my way out.  And for some weird reason I pretended there were giant goobas after me.  The Y intersection again. Damn I’m going in circles. And I would think of some smart ideas but forget them two seconds later. I need a tape recorder. If I had one, I would like leave a message that I need a tape recorder. But I need a tape recorder to remember I need a tape recorder. I guess it’s a catch 22. In fact, I would be million times smarter if I actually had memory. And no it’s not the weed. I would be a lot brighter if  I could remember things. Well I finally made it back home with a few scratches to write this and will have a nap.

Teen Wolf

Holy shit I just heard there is a Teen Wolf series coming soon. Teen Wolf was one of my favorite childhood movies.  I loved Stiles especially when he surfs on the van. The sequel was awful, it has all of the same actors except Michael J. Fox. Instead of playing basketball he boxes. Would you like to be a werewolf? I would, and I would be UFC champ.

I Have Issues XXX Rated

Ever wonder why a child can see someone get killed on television or in movies before they can see a nude person? Don’t get me wrong, I highly doubt watching violence would affect the average child. But there is the odd child. Video games might be somewhat worse because you imitate the violence. So you can see someone blown away but woe, seeing a pair of tits, that’s got to be censored. I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen. Would kids start jerking off at an earlier age? I think the first time I have seen boobs was in National Geographic. Sure showing a dick isn’t very healthy but the human body is beautiful. But not the male ones, we’re just hairy and bulky. Just the ladies. 

At UWO I took an art course thinking it would be awesome to draw nude women. Not as good as one might imagine. They were fat or gross, their tits sagging and I’m not a big fan of drawing the vag. And I really didn’t like drawing a cock. So I blurred it or blocked with a black rectangle. My teacher thought it was funny.

And why do movies always say uncensored. My American Pie DVD says UNRATED! The version you couldn’t see in theaters. I have watched both versions and have yet to anything different about them or any additional sexy time. My VHS tape gets a little blurry around the time you see that foreign chick. Speaking about tapes, I have like 50 of them and my dad’s threatened to throw them out. I say they are movies you can’t rent anymore, like Revenge of the Nerds or Ghostbusters. I’ll watch them when I move out. And with my poor eyesight I can’t tell the difference.

Do we want kids to hear naughty words? I don’t think so, it’s rude.  But censoring the middle finger, come on. I’m of course the worse around children. I keep swearing and don’t even notice it. My favorite and most used swear word is shit, followed by Jesus Christ. My mom hates me taking the Lord’s name in vain. Well fuck that.

Earth

I just finished watching Earth by Disney with my mom. It was on blue ray and wow what a sight.  She loved it. And she wondered how they did it all. It was a nature show minus the blood; it’s Disney. I have no idea if they get funding or what because there is no way they can turn a profit with all of time and effort and expenses. Some highlights are when a pack of lions take down an adult elephant, very cool. Yes it shows numerous predators catching their prey, but no the actual fatality. Or so we thought. You see this fucking great white shark monster bite a fucking seal’s head off. Holy shit. I know the film makers aren’t suppose to interfere with nature and take some vocation but they didn’t even attempt to save a baby polar bear that eventually drowned. It was so sad. I understand you can’t just give care packages to starving lions or give boat rides for antelopes. But what’s wrong with rescuing a poor baby cub? I hope it haunts them forever. But there were some funny parts. Such as adorable baby ducks trying to fly the first time out of a tree. I didn’t know that either.

Is Anyone Out There?

You know how girls like getting pretty flowers, telling them they’re beautiful and other kind gestures. While guys could care less. Well I like getting positive feedback, it means a lot to me. I want to know if I’m funny or interesting or if anyone actually reads them? I’m in my reverse retirement right now and I got all day and nothing better to do than play video games or write blogs. Well I’m taking requests. If you have a topic or anything you want me to write about, then drop a line. I do have stats, and apparently someone from the Ukraine has read my page. That’s awesome! I hope my comrad will recommend it to his friends. I would definitely love a Ukraine fan base.

It's Comon Sense that it's Common Sense

I love my mom but my whole family knows all too well that she is the most stubborn person.  You can’t win an argument with her. She always wins and always says the last word.  And throws the phrase common sense like a boomerang. However common sense can be contradictory. For example, you have the phrase many hands make light work but also too many chefs spoil the broth.

I don’t think she even knows what it means.  For example, yesterday my mom was trying to get me to floss my teeth. I don’t care about them, I want golden teeth anyway.  So she says flossing adds five years to your life.  I doubt it and asked where she gets her information.  Besides I want to go out with bang instead of a stroke in some old people home. Quick trivia question; which retirement home do the Golden Girls want Estelle to go to? She says its common sense.

I never heard that flossing your teeth adds five years to your life is common sense. That’s like saying its common sense that in Super Mario 3 you save the hammer in World 3 until you make it to the dock, where you get a raft and go to three mushroom houses and two matching games where you go for the star. I’m like where is your source?  The internet. Yes the internet.

Well mom, you shouldn’t believe every thing you read, especially on the internet. Now that’s common sense. I thought check mate. But no she kept on talking.  Even the whole agree to disagree didn’t work. You’re wrong Greg, its common sense. I finally surrender and say the ole okay your right I’m wrong.  But she paused thirty seconds and then had to have the last word. It’s common sense that my mom always gets the last word.  Greg its time you took a break form the computer.

An Epic Journey

So my mom went downtown with her friends. Her car is at the garage for whatever reason. I don’t know nothing about no car. So I was alone and I got really stoned. Again. I thought carpe diem, seize the day! Its so nice outside I went for an epic journey to downtown.

I cut through the cemetery and it was very trippy. I got thinking about my own mortality. I think everyone has a soul. Even Donald Trump. And I don’t mean soul music. There is the body, the mind and the soul. The body is the physical person. The mind is like consciousness of the brain and the soul is like the inner person. So if someone had a stroke or lobotomy they are literally not the same person. Their mind is functioning differently. However there still is that inner person somewhere in there. In other words the soul. I have many theories about the afterlife if there is one. In fact I would like to write my own book Blind Faith.

One silly one is my spirit heaven.  I think God as this giant wisp if you will. A giant shiny ball of electricity. And we are tiny spirit wisps full of life and love and happy to serve him.  He asks these spirits to become humans. Us. And so they fill an empty human pod if you will.  So there is a Justin Beaver pod and a Greg Merchant pod.  So one spirit will jump at the chance to become Beaver, while my spirit will take one for the team and become me the person. And once their done they go back to heaven and have some cake. Ready to do it all over again.

I finally made it down town, but I had to battle some orcs along the way. I ran into my mom and her friends.  I like to do the whole trying to steal her purse gag. I did a lot of looking around and had an epic Big Mac. I ate like a king! The mall was dead as Bea Arthur. I  reached the library, and rented some epic DVDs. They’re free, yay. Too bad they didn’t have the Ten Commandments. I got Erin Brokovich and some embarrassing ones. I actually had to buy a chocolate bar to get a bag for my DVDs from the Kwiki Mart. And it was so windy I almost fell down and let go of my movies. I returned home but my fucking foot is still bothering me. I’m accepting donations.

He’s Funny But Not Haha Funny

I love laughing.  That’s why I like getting stoned and watching Family Matters. I’m one of those douche bags that laugh at his own jokes. Haha Urkel. There’s nothing better than making a cute girl laugh.  Of course if they find you attractive they laugh at everything you say.  So I guess I AM funny. The thing is not what I say but how I say it.  I have done a lot of funny speeches and people like them because I’m so CRAZZZY. So when you read my blogs, you have to read it like I would, and put emphases on the right word. WORD.

For example I when I say I love Urkel, you got to emphasize I LOVE Urkel!  On a side note, I LOVE how Judy, the younger sister and Aunt Rachel magically disappeared. I think the writers just got sick of writing scripts that include them. Besides, the whole show is all about Steve Urkel trying to BANG Laura. Or his evil twin STEPHAN URKAL trying to bang Laura.  I wonder where the very talented actor behind Urkel is? I know he had a brief show called Grown Ups (I think) but has been typecast as the LOVEABLE Urkel trying to bang Laura. Here’s a question for all of the fans. Without looking it up, what is the mother’s name?

So AM I’m the Rose of my friends. Or the Belky of Perfect Strangers. Or the Brick off of Anchorman. You get the idea. It think my brain is hard wired to TRY to make people laugh. My theory is that I say STUPID things because subluminally I try to make people laugh even at my own expense.  By the way how DO they get the caramel into the Caramilk bar? And how do fish have SEXY time? And can a dog make SWEET LOVE to a cat?

White Wedding

I think it’s every girls dream to have a fairy tail wedding. And every guy’s dream to have an awesome wedding night, unless of course they didn’t save themselves. But I’m sure it would still be hot. My mom has a huge pet peeve of the bride and groom stuffing each other’s faces with cake. I mean they’re all dressed up elegantly and she gets cake on her $1000 dress. And of course that one fat chick at every wedding will miss out on the cake. And I hear of some weddings costing like $25000. Yes, $5000 worth of flowers, that’s worth it. My parents wedding cost only like $250 and their honeymoon was in Viagra Falls Ontario.

I’ve only been to two weddings. One when I was really young and of course Jay and Lisa’s wedding. I went to Sears to get my suit, I looked damn sharp.  During the ceremony I sat down in the pew with my mom; the first time I’ve been inside a church with her since the time Star Wars the Phantom Menace came out. Of course as soon as the wedding party started walking down the isle I had to pee. Real bad.  I was hoping the bride’s maids could walk a little faster.  I didn’t want to piss in my new sharp suit. I did eventually pee. It felt good.  I made it back the ceremony and almost shed a tear of joy. The reception was awesome; I got pretty drunk.  But how often do my friends get married. Maybe because I have hardly any friends, and that’s including my mom. Hmm.

Anyway back to the real reason why I’m writing about weddings.  The royal wedding is happening this Friday!  The last time I was this excited was when the Golden Girls DVD Box Set came out. I hear that some residents have actually rented out their homes to tourists.  And I hear that not even our Prime Minister or other politicians are invited despite our close ties with Britain. Too bad it’s supposed to rain hard that day. I feel real bad for all of the spectators. Catherine is of course very sexy. I always wonder why Charles left Diana for sheep face Camilla. Security will be very tight. You got tons of cameras, snipers and good old bobbies with their stupid hats and clubs. I wonder who will become King when the Queen dies. The public would favor William over Charles And I’m curious as to the royal lineage; could the queen’s ancestors go back to Longshanks from Brave Heart? Anyway I hope every thing works out this time and the marriage doesn’t crumble and the paparazzi doesn’t make out like a bandit.

White Lie

Do you ever get caught into an elaborate lie?  I almost did. Last night I called the bar Rack n Roll and asked if there is poker tonight.  Well idiot said he thinks so. Well there wasn’t, the convener was in Vegas. So me and a bunch of people came all of this way for nothing.  With gas so damn high my mom would freak on me.  So, I said I got out right away because I went all in. Well she tells my dad and he starts asking twenty questions.  So you had triple Jacks and there were three clubs on the table.  So what did you think he had and why did you go all in? This went on for like ten minutes, and I kept thinking if it’s too late to come clean? Well lie accomplished.

Keep Dreaming

I think dreams are the most surreal experience of human existence. Some finding meaning in them. Mine are just random. It only lasts for about a minute but seems to last much longer. For example, it takes like ten minutes to toke and walk to the Kwik Mart to buy some candy.  In a dream however you leave home, skip the walk and instead sort of teleport to the store. And maybe swing into something completely different. Also I find that when I’m eating something like cake that I can’t taste it. Does this happen to anyone else?

You know when you’re awake but that isn’t the case of dreams; you don’t know.  I hate when people ask to be pinched. I would like to hit him right in the ear and asks if he’s dreaming or pinch her nipples. No wait, I don’t have the guts.

Do you notice that some dreams are about what happened to you that day.  For example, if I played a awesome game of lawn darts, I might have a dream about it. And if I did something for a super long time, like play Diablo 2 (Diablo? I don’t want you playing that Devil game – my mom)  it feels like you’re playing it.

I have a mixture of dreams and nightmares.  Sometimes good dreams are actually not good.  I have a reoccurring dream of winning the lottery or getting a lots of money.  It’s awesome while the dream lasts but shitty when you wake up and realize you live in your parent’s basement and get a $50 allowance.  And thus logically when you awake from a nightmare, you feel great to be alive.

A newcomer is the alligator nightmare.  I’ll try to keep it short.  Me and my dad were playing golf in Florida. There was a sign warning about gators and snakes, but we thought nothing about it. So my dad hits it to the edge of a pond and told me to come over. There about 50 feet away was a Peter Pan sized gator looking right at me.  My dad said calm down they won’t attack. But every time I hit my ball near the shore I just dropped another one (besides I got a 100 balls for ten bucks at a bazaar.). Well thanks dad, you have scarred me for life.

And ever since I got my tooth pulled I have these nightmares that my teeth crumbling to dust. Now that is scary. Another one is about getting into an car accident. It’s sounds messed up but sometimes I’m driving outside my car like a remote control car. I don’t know why. Then there is the whole somebody stole all of my video games. I wake up sweaty and my heart is pounding and I’m like thank God I still have them. It’s more of a bad dream, but I keep having ones where I have an exam that I didn’t study for. Wow what a relief, there is no exam I already dropped out.  Then there is the embarrassing dream where you are butt naked in public.. I’ve had this one since a kid and kept think why the fuck am I butt naked in public.  I’m sure other people had this one.

On to the good ones. I have this one where I have magical powers like a super hero and can fly around or turn things into ice. A rare but awesome dream. I watch a lot of television and sometime have dreams where I’m a guest star in a sitcom. But this could turn ugly if I forget my lines. And I play a lot of video games, so no surprise I have one that I’m in Mario 64. And I have ones where I’m awesome at skateboarding and can did flips and rails and shit. But wake up and realize I can’t even do an ollie.. I have some where I’m in the future or in the time of the dinosaurs. I wake up with mixed emotions. My fav of course is the one where you know you’re dreaming and can do anything you

want. It’s like you are a god in your own mind for 60 seconds. I would actually love to live in a good dream like that forever just like Vanilla Sky minus the nightmares. So how about you, any weird or funny dreams? Or what about some crazy nightmares.

Get to Know Greg

Here is the Top 25 things that you might or might not know about me.

(1) I ask stupid questions that I should know the answer.  Like when’s Oktoberfest or what’s popcorn made of? Or do you get summer off? (an inside joke at my expense.).

(2) I’m naturally spaced out and people think I’m much bigger pothead than I really am.

(3) I have a bad case of shaking hands. I drop stuff all the time for no apparent reason. My fingers just let go.

(4) I play a lot of Texas holdem poker.  Yet I can’t count my chips, deal or shuffle (the shaking hands) and I always play out of turn. (On account of being spaced out).

(5) People never know if I’m joking or being honest. I’m that good of an actor. Take Golden Girls. Am I a huge fan or am I being sarcastic and think it’s a stupid show with old hags that have ugly sex?  Who knows?  I don’t even know.

(6) I drink huge amounts of coffee the equivalent of three lines of coke.

(7) My two favorite cartoon shows are Family Guy and South Park.  Too bad I can’t watch South Park on Comedy Central anymore. The Towlie episode being the best.

(8) My three favorite comedians are Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy and Dane Cook.

(9) There was a time when I once watched the Simpsons.  But they turned on me and kept having sketchy episodes such as one about Bumble Bee Man or Moe finding yet another girl friend.

(10) I sleep at least ten hours a night and about 3 hours worth of naps.  That means I sleep more than being awake.  Unless of course I’m really into a Zelda game or there is a late night Golden Girl marathon.

(11) Puppets scare me. I always thought those dressed up dolls would come alive and kill me in my sleep. And I never watched Mr. Rogers because I was so frightened by them. I was a Mr. Dress Up fan.

(12) I have a huge fetish for Japanese women wearing those school girl uniforms. And I also like huge boobs.

(13) My favorite toys were Lego. Me and my bro would build these vehicles and then smash them against each other until one can’t move anymore and you have a winner.

(14) My favorite movie is Austin Powers.  And my favorite scene is when Will Farrell falls into that pit of fire.  It makes me laugh every time I see it.

(15) My favorite child hood movies were Goonies, Teen Wolf, Ghost Busters, Back To The Future and the Star Wars trilogy.  I would watch the Goonies every week. I must have seen Goonies like a infinity times.

(16) I never learned how to roll a joint.  I even practiced with lettuce. Good thing I have a metal pipe.  I have gone through so many glass pipes, including a $70 glow in the dark pipe that I thought I would have forever.

(17) I only drink beer. I have so many bad times drinking liquor, especially vodka.  I will only do Jager bombs with the guys or to catch up. My favorite beer is Kokanee, the BC beer brewed in Ontario. But I usually drink Laker; a cheap but decent beer.

(18) My favorite Pokemon is Alakazam with his confusion spell. It’s the only pokemon you will ever need.

(19) I used to be about 85bls in grade nine.  And I went as high as 215bls a some years ago. Now I’m down to 170bls.

(20) My favorite food is are Big Macs or Mozzaburgers. Runners up are Enzoe’s Pizza and Subway’s Pizza Sub.

(21) I love shopping.  I like to look good and I like to accumulate clothes much like a stamp collection.  I usually get skater clothes and my favorite store is Winners.  In fact I have over 25 T-shirts and counting. And I have accumulated about thirty DS games and at about $25 that’s a lot of Big Macs or Mazzaburgers.

(22) I love playing hockey, and I play defense because I get more ice time.

(23) I went to Western University for three years and loved the social life and credit card to buy video games, Big Macs and beer. I took Pscych although my favorite but most useless course was philosophy.

(24) And of course I love video games.  We had the original Atari and I learned to play Pac Man and Quepert (ha Queerbert) before I could ride a bike.

(25) My favorite game is without a doubt is Mario Kart 64 hands down. Toad being my favorite driver and Kupa Beach my favorite track.

(26) Now I live in my parent’s basement where I get stoned, eat Big Macs and play Mario Kart 64. I’m doing what I call a reverse retirement.  So I get a $50 allowance which I spend on coffee, Big Macs, beer, weed, T-shirts. I watch South Park and write massive blogs for a few but cult following fans.

Welocme

Hey everybody! I’m Greg and this is my second blog page.  I had one when everyone I knew had one. But that was a long time ago. Mine was something like Re-tarded.blogspot. I was proud of it, but it eventually went to Dr Kevorkian. I got issues about everything and I like to share them with people. So I use or now used to use facebook and post these massive comments. Some people like it, others don’t like me crowding their walls and making them scroll down. I actually lost some “friends”, but I couldn’t give a shit about them.  On a side note, why do people have like infinity friends, people you hardly know that give posts like I had cereal today but I ran out of milk.  Anyway my buddies convinced me to start another blog page. I thought Grrrreat, now I can make even bigger blogs without editing the shirt out of them to fit the word limit. So with absolutely nothing better to do  (I’m on what I call a reverse retirement) I’m making a grand opening of I Have Issues. Some blogs will be silly, others more serious.  So enjoy, and feel free to comment or voice your opinions.