Top Ten Things I Don’t Understand About Other Guys

So I already wrote Top Ten Things I Don’t Understand About Women. I’m not trying to pick on just the women, so here is one for the girls. I’m bit metro and sometimes I don’t understand why guys act like they do. So here are ten things I don’t understand about other guys. And I’m not trying to come off sounding gay.

(10) Why are men so obsessed with cars? I’ll admit I like checking out nice sports cars and I always wanted a Delorean. But for me it’s just a way of getting around from point A to point B. I could less if the car is a souped up with a spoiler, stripes and adamantium rims. I mean my dad bought a Jaguar and I’m thinking is it worth it just to look cool. I rather spend it on other things like a super big screen T.V. or segway or a lifetime of Big Macs.

(9) There are guys who need trucks for work so they can haul equipment and tools. They may need them to drive in bad weather or go off road. Then there are guys who get trucks because it’s manly and cool. Why? It cost more for gas and it is a bitch to park. And they can barely fit three people, unless they drive in the back. “I can’t get the fuck out the back seat. Someone help me.”

(8) I love music but I don’t understand why guys have huge subwoofers instead of trunk space in their car. I don’t know why its cool to listen to loud music and fuck up your hearing? I’ll hear Slipknot or whatever shitty band three blocks away. “Hey man, are we cool or what?” “What?” “I said are we cool or what.” “What?” “Yo I said were cool.” “Yea she’s hot.”

(7) Why do guys like stupid action movies? As a kid I loved them, not so anymore. I much rather watch a drama than Steven Seagull any day. But my dad and any guy I know loves them. I’m just tired of movies like Tomb Raider or ones with no plot. And I’m tired of the whole jumping out of the way of an explosion. However I do like movies with action like James Bond, Apocalypse Now or Brave Heart. Do you see the difference?

(6) Why do guys never ask for directions?  I always asks for directions from the Kwiki or the gas station. Still I am pretty shitty at taking them and forgetting where to go.

I don’t know why they are so reluctant? Is it unmasclunie or do they enjoy a good search and adventure? You might spend like an hour going in circles. Of course now people have GPSs and I still get lost. My dad calls his the bitch because she nags a lot. “Turn here,” “Yes you already told us bitch.”

(5) Why are guys such assholes to women? And why do women take that shit? At hockey or at poker I always hear guys complaining about their wives or making bad jokes. They won’t watch a movie with their girl nor would they ever cook or clean. Except for the barbeque. It’s the only time a guy will cook and wear an apron. Maybe with “number one dad.”

(4) Why do most guys dread shopping, especially with their lady friends? I love clothes. It’s hard for me to look so damn good. I’m better at shopping alone and on foot. When I’m with my friends they get pissed off with me taking forever to try on clothes or going through all of the movies. Everywhere I go, I see guys wearing old ratty clothes or those stupid shirts with stupid pick up lines. For example I now I see guys wearing hats with the rim upwards and they don’t take off the damn sticker. I wear nicer clothes to work out or cut the lawn.

(3) And why are there guys who don’t wear shirts at all. Sure I have the body of a god but I don’t flaunt it. I see them walking down the street flexing their muscles. They’re getting sun burnt and look orange. I even see them in cold weather. I’m asking the girls, does that turn you on? I mean would you stop the car get out and start flirting with him? “Hey stud, I see you have a six pack and a tattoo of a tiger, do you want to come home with me?” “Suck me beautiful.”

(1) If that isn’t bad, I don’t understand why guys are in their cars yelling at girls or trying to make fun of people. They will yell something like “you’re totally hot” and since they are going so damn fast the girl won’t understand them. If they do, what do they expect? “Slow down you guys, I want to suck all of your cocks!” However if chicks say that I’m hot or something, that’s awesome.

The Avengers

The Avenges is an awesome movie. I was never a big fan; I like the X-Men more.  But I loved the movie. I saw Thor before this movie and knew his background. Thor was better than I thought it would be.

Thor is from norse mythology. He lives in a distant galaxy and apparently he is an immortal god with ultra powers. He wields a kickass Hammer and he has a cape. And he is in very good shape.

His evil brother Loki has found a portal to Earth and is plotting something evil. Loki makes a deal with aliens know as the “chitauri” by getting them some energy crystal in return for helping him enslave Earth.

Shield is a research facility where they accidentally opened a portal and allow Loki to invade. So they assemble a pack of super heroes and become the Avengers. There is Thor, Iron Man, Captain American, Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye.

I never even heard of Hawkeye. His weapon is bow and apparently he is the greatest marksman and sniper. I rather just own a gun. I mean is he Robin Hood or something? Working for Shield he gets hypnotized right off the bat and becomes a villain.

I never heard of Black Widow either. I thought she was a Spiderman villain. I mean isn’t a black widow a spider? She is a top spy from the Soviet Union. I don’t know what her powers are. I guess feminist and equal opportunity people demanded a chick.

The Hulk kicks some serious ass. As you know whenever Bruce Banner becomes angry he turns into the Hulk. He can’t control the Hulk when he goes into a fit of rage. I guess once the Hulk calms down he goes back into being Banner.

Hey Banner carry some Prozac or marijuana or something to calm you down before you know you will become upset. He keeps ripping his clothes. I suggest wearing a spandex leotard. And do you notice that the Hulk is always wearing purple pants? Doesn’t Banner ever wear jeans or jogging pants?

I would hate that power. It would get really, really annoying. I will be playing Zelda and get end up dying before I could save. And then I become the Hulk and smash my T.V. and throw the Nintendo out the window. Then I calm down. And then I realize I broke the Nintendo and become the Hulk again. Wouldn’t that be an annoying cycle?  

Captain America is the result of an experiment of turning a sissy Steve Rogers into a super solider with many strengths such as speed, agility and reflexes. He fights during WWII and gets frozen and unthawed to present day.

As you may guess, he is very patriotic and wears the stripes and stars. Even his boxers have the stars on it. Middle Easterners hate him. His weapon is an indestructible shield made from “vibranium.” He likes to throw the shield but I’m not sure how he gets it back. Or is like a boomerang? I mean he throws it at someone in the chest and then he has to walk over and grab it from the dead body and clean the blood off his shiny shield.

Tony Stark is the Iron Man. He is one of the only heroes that doesn’t have a secret identity. This is very convenient because he doesn’t have to hide his identity and change in a phone booth. By the way where does Superman change now that everyone has a cell phone? In fact he flaunts it. Like Batman he is genius billionaire only he lives in a skyscraper. He Iron suit seems indestructible and he can fly and shoot missiles. My question is, is it the only one? Couldn’t he make more and amass an army of Iron Men? Being famous he must get some serious poontang.

I want in. I will do anything to become an member. Only I need to find a way to get a super power. I tried a couple of things. I tried eating uranium. I tried shooting a ray gun at myself. I tried getting bit by an array radioactive bugs. Except spiders, that was already taken.

I Have Issues with Editing

I spent the past few days editing and revising all of my posts for the blogpage. That’s over 240 blogs and a lot of time. Holy shit I never realize how awful my grammar is. I had to correct so many grammatical errors. I put in commas and quotation marks so you now know what I’m talking about. So you know who is talking to whom.

I added a lot of jokes to make them even funnier. I also removed some blogs and stories that didn’t meet my high quality standards. I have narrowed it down to 193 blogs that received the Greg’s Seal of Excellents. Each blog has at least a couple of jokes.

As you might already know I’m hoping to make my very own webpage that I think I will call “drunkgreg.” I realize my blog page is on the web and available to anyone, but I hope to get even more visitors this way. I mean I think I’m funny.

As of now I Have Issues has almost 3000 hits and 1300 are from the States. This is cool because I don’t advertise or anything. Except I leave links to my Canadian friends on Face Book. I guess people come across it and spread the word mouth to mouth. That kicks ass! Tell everyone you know.

“Hey man, I just read a page called I Have Issues. This guy has problems but he’s funny to laugh at.” “Cool, I will search gregera.blogspot.com” “And I hear “drunkgreg” will kick ass!”

One problem is that when I Google my own page I get a question mark that means Norton doesn’t approve my page. I signed up for the advertising thing but it wasn’t approved. I wonder why? Maybe because it’s offensive. Maybe it’s because I write about drugs and alcohol. Maybe it’s because I thought it would be funny to use Corky’s face.

One thing about my own web page is that the blogs will be in put in categories similar to a sideways family tree. So if you click on movies then you see comedies, dramas, action, chick flicks, actors and gay movies. If you click on gay movies then have choices from Cold Mountain to Toys.

So I put my blog collection on a USB if anything bad would occur. I would freak out if I had to do all over again. I’m having a great time writing my page because it’s something productive to do. I like to make as many people laugh. And I wouldn’t mind making some money through advertisements.

As I said I have made 193 blogs and plan on making more. So if I made ten dollars per post, I would, hold on I need my calculator, make 1930 dollars. That’s a years worth of beer. And if I make ten cents for each visitor that’s like $300. That’s a Sony 3 right there.

However I have no clue how to make a webpage and where to start. I tried reading Webpage for Dummies but I have gotten nowhere. I mean you either know or don’t how to make one. I don’t know the costs of having a domain but I will pay up a $500. I just think it would be cool to have my own page. I would definitely have funny pictures to go along with my rants.  So if anyone wants the challenge of helping me create a kickass webpage then contact me. And if anyone wants a sneak peek at my 193 blogs then also contact me. And I probably made a lot of mistakes on this very blog too.

Camping

I love going camping maybe once or twice a year. After that it gets a bit tedious. Camping is always a good excuse to start drinking in the early morning all through the day until you fall asleep or pass out. And listening to some rock music. Preferably Pearl Jam because they rock.

Camping as a kid was me and my brother sleeping in a tent in the back yard and eating Ritz crackers. Later on we would go to my aunt’s trailer park every summer. Only people don’t like to call them trailers because they don’t have wheels and are not white trash. They like to call it community living.

The park had a massive pond where me and my brother would take a canoe out and go fishing. We would catch a lot of fish. My brother caught a huge large mouth bass and I caught a magikarp. In hindsight I felt kind of stupid for paying a $100 for one where I could of have caught it for free.

And I loved catching frogs and bringing them back to my dad’s pond. I used my stealth powers to sneak in and swoosh catch one in the net and store them in a bucket. I caught a poliwag, it’s now a poliwrath.

I’m pretty much useless at everything and that includes camping. I have no clue how to set up a tent. I get in the way and my friends just tell me to drink some beer and play my Gameboy. I would play Pokemon of course. Do you notice when you’re about to sleep and you end up talking for another hour. You know like about funny movies or the Golden Girls. And apparently I snore.

Camp fires are awesome except I always get smoke in my eyes wherever I sit. White rabbit white rabbit. You should always bring a chair. I hate when people throw toxic waste in the fire pit. It was a blessing in disguise because that’s how I got my super powers. And cancer. I could save anyone, except myself. And I hated when someone pisses on it the next day. Gross.

I have no clue how to start a fire. I mean cave men could start a fire with wood and rocks. I can’t even start one with gasoline and a barbeque lighter. And if I could I would lose my bushy eye brows. I always wondered what’s better, a teepee formation or a block formation. My friend must always be the master of the fire with his huge poking staff.

One time I was at a party with my brother at his friend’s place.  He had a picnic table that he didn’t use and so we thought hey let’s set it on fire. It was huge, it was beautiful. Do you notice I say “one time” a lot, just like Willow from American Pie?

Every time I go camping everyone brings way too much food. Food that could feed thousands of starving people.  My mom packs so much. Here Greg, I got you some hot dogs, hamburgers, yogurt, animal crackers, some fig newtons, marshmallows excreta. Just keep them cold.

So much food I end up throwing most of it away. Whats the worse that could happen? We all bring a package of hotdogs and if we are really hungry we could always hit the grocery store or McDonalds. Or hunt some delicious raccoons.

My friends Kevin and Aaron along with their family and friends are hardcore. They go portaging. I could never muster enough strength to carry a canoe over land. And they certainly can’t carry beer so I guess they bring some Captain Morgan and some Mary Jane.

The best time I ever had camping was years ago during May 24 when we were still in high school and underage. We got a camp site in the Pinery but it was a dry weekend and nobody could bring in any alcohol. But that didn’t stop us. Me and Steve canoed in two 24s along a river that went through the Pinery. We were the only ones that had beer.

So we brought the beer to the concert and drank in the parking lot. This was one of my first times getting drunk. After like five beers I was completely wasted. I tried walking in a line, doing cartwheels and saying the alphabet backwards. Only I can’t even say the alphabet backwards when I’m sober. I can barely say in normally.

So we had a case of beer that we didn’t drink and since we couldn’t bring it back into the park we hid it in a ditch by a farm. The road was actually called

Cold Storage Road

. We thought it was a sign. We left it at night thinking we hid it well and can pick it up in the morning. But someone beat us to the chase. I was probably still drunk.

One funny story is when three of my friends said they were going to gather some fire wood. I assumed they were salvaging wood from people’s pits that had left. No they were stealing wood. And they stole it from the main cabin. Well they got caught and paid a fine. I heard that one guy was hiding in the bushes and the cops were like we can see you. Afterwards that person told us to never speak of it again. Whoops.

We made sure the fire was extinguished because Smokey the Bear is always on our ass. His line is only you can prevent wild fires! No shit Sherlock, I thought it was up to the chipmunks and ducks to make sure every fire is put out. But after three days of camping all I want to do is sleep in my own bed and watch T.V.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids

So I was looking at some old VHS tapes at this store and spotted Honey I Shrunk the Kids. I had to get it and what a trippy movie it is. Unless you lived under a rock you might have heard of it. It’s an 80s classic; Rick Moranis is hilarious.

He constructs some shrinking ray that accidentally shrinks his and the neighbor kids. Moranis loses his grant and just flips out on the ray. And when he cleans the mess he accidentally throws the kids in the garbage. The kids must find their way through the backyard to the house while Moranis is searching for them.

There is the Thompson kids, the older brother Russell and the funny brother Ron. And there is the Szalinski kids Amy and the complete dork Nick. Together they must travel through the backyard in a world over their heads. Haha. It’s really cool seeing them in a world where everything tiny ends up being gigantic. Just like world four in Super Mario Bros 3.

Amy always complains. They’re shrunk and their lives are in peril and all Amy cares about is getting back so she can go to mall and hook up with some dude. But I knew she would fall for Russell because I’m a genius.

It would be awesome to be small for a day. It would be cool going down grass slides and smoking gigantic pot. I love when they start to eat a gigantic cookie. Mmmm. I mean one skittle would last me weeks. But as they start to eat they attract an ant and try to kill it. But they offer part of the cookie and befriend the ant even though there still is huge cookie lying there.

I would piss my pants seeing a huge ant. Their friends with the ant and they face a scorpion. The ant dies and Ron scares the scorpion away. And they’re all sad about a damn ant that they knew for like five minutes. I step and spit on them all of the time for fun. Haha ants I am a god!

Moranis finds out and then tells his wife “honey I fucked up, the kids might be dead.” I think she took it well actually. So the parents try to find them without touching the ground. Me and my friends used to do that on the equipment in the park.

Then he accidentally hits the sprinklers and almost kills the kids. Amy falls into a puddle of mud and Russell somehow manages to see her and rescue her in thick mud. And I’m like yes! Right on! Who’s getting laid tonight? And they might or might not have had sex in a Lego piece.

Then the neighborhood kid comes to cut the lawn with a remote control lawn mower. Am I the only one who finds that incredibly dangerous? First off if you see Moranis in the yard the grass is already short. And the kid isn’t going even cutting it right; all he does is randomly cut it in circles instead of going back and forth. And what happens if the lawn mower is coming right at little Timmy and won’t stop?

The kids find one of Thompson’s cigarettes and decide to use pieces of it as torches. Have they even heard of second hand smoke? They would be inhaling dangerous amounts of tobacco and they would probably cough like crazy until they are spitting out blood. Seriously.

My favorite part is when Nick is in a bowl of Cheerios and his dad is about to eat him. So when I’m eating my Lucky Charms I make sure I’m not eating any shrunken people. With the dogs help they finally find the kids. They test it on Thompson and he doesn’t explode. However I think he might have cancer and low sperm count. And then they finally unshrink the kids and everything is money.

I guess Moranis becomes a billionaire with his machine because he can blow up anything and feed millions. What would you do with that power? I would use it on myself to become a giant super hero. I would help mankind in return of anything I want. I would fight other giants like Godzilla or Rosie Odonnell. But I would be lonely and would need a giant companion.

The moral of the story is that you have to be very careful with shrink rays of any kind. I learned that the hard way. I was in my shed and where I was secretly doing experiments and I accidentally shrunk myself. I had to get inside my house. But because there isn’t any grass in my back yard it wasn’t so hard except being in danger of anything bigger than me. So I climbed up onto my dad’s cell phone and press some buttons.

When my dad found me he couldn’t hear he me and he didn’t know how to operate my machine. It was very frustrating. We had to get some scientist that understood molecular translanting opular dynamics. My ray worked but I destroyed it in case it ever got into the wrong hands. So now I’m secretly working on replicators but my $50 allowance isn’t enough to cover the costs. I tried to get a loan but had no credit history.

Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday is coming up on May 30^th, the best day on Earth. Millions rejoice and go out to the streets to celebrate the day I was born. Lore has it that one day I will save the world from nuclear annihilation and evil robots. And you know what really fucks with your mind? I’m turning 30 on the 30^th and the stars will align.

Hmm, no. My birthday is on a Wednesday and everyone I know is either working the following day or don’t really care. Unless my brother drops by, the only partying I will be doing is getting drunk alone and watching the O.C. It’s a good show and not gay, so screw you all you nay sayers.

I want to go to the Chinese buffet for dinner. I wrote an earlier blog all about Chinese food. They lose money when I eat there. (In Chinese) “This is no man but bottomless beasts.” I should ask them to sing happy birthday to me in Chinese. That would be funny.

I love cake! My mom doesn’t cook cake for no reason unlike Stic’s mom. So I am craving my Betty Cocker (gay) with vanilla icing and rainbow sprinkles. I love icing so much as a kid I would eat it right out of the container. Good thing I don’t have diabetes. Yet.

Your first and second birthday is like your last birthday. You don’t even know its your birthday nor do you any of the people that came. We have pictures of my third birthday when I somehow put (clean) underwear on everyone’s head. Apparently it was hilarious.

As I got older I would invite everyone I knew, even kids I didn’t like, so I would get more presents. My parties were fun. My mom would have all of these games to play for prizes and we would have those gift bags when it was over. Sleepovers were awesome because we could stay up all night and drink soda. Sleepovers now is me past out on the ground lying in my own Kraft dinner vomit.

I would ask for money when I was a kid but now that I think of it that’s kind of lame. There’s no surprise there. Of course I loved getting Lego. I did get fake shit one time. And I would get shitty games like operation. They should make an operation with Fifty Cent where you have to take out bullets and drugs out of his body.

But I would love when my relatives gave me cards. I would open it and read the lame card and check for the money. Yes it’s a bear saying Happy Bear Day. Then you stopped having parties and getting money with the cards.

This year I’m asking my parents to get me the latest Final Fantasy and Saint Row 3 for X-Box 360. Even though I know I will probably never get around to playing them and most likely put it on the shelf unopened.  I might also get this gadget that I have heard of where you can transfer VHS tapes onto DVDs. And I’m asking my brother to get me a new hat. My current one is white and has visible sweat stains.

So yes its goodbye twenties and hello thirties. I had a mid life crisis when I was 17. And then I started to really panic when I turned twenty. But I’m lucky I have made it this far without getting killed. Every day for me is chess match with death. Just the other day I swerved out of the way of a stupid but cute squirrel. Good thing nobody was around.

Time seems to go so much faster as you get older. My childhood seemed to last a life time. Hmm, I mean it seemed really long. As a child I thought I would never grow up as if I was lost boy. You are the happiest in your early teens and you never realize how good you used to look. And then it’s all downhill from there.

Not much has happened in my twenties. It’s almost like a blur. Sure life is good but I get into a routine. I wake up about twelve and get an X-large triple triple at Tims. I will play video games in the afternoon. I will have a nap before and after supper and then spend the night drinking beer in front of the idiot box. The only time I got out to do something exciting is play hockey or poker.

I think I accepted my own mortality but I think I should live my life fuller. That’s Carpe Diem. I think we should all smoke a joint every once in a while and reflect on life. What do you want to accomplish? What are your goals in life and what truly makes you happy. You should try something new every once in a while. Today I tried an apple Jones soda.

I really want a jet pack for my birthday so I hope everyone I know will chip in to get me one. You can mail your check to “jetapackgreg” all one word. And I take Visa. Anyway you’re only old as you feel. So this Wednesday I plan on getting drunk and feeling as five year old.

Captain Planet

Gay Cartoons Part One

Earth!
Fire!
Wind!
Water!
Heart!

GO PLANET!

With your powers combined I am Captain Planet!

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
He's our powers magnified,
And he's fighting on the planet side

Captain Planet, he's our hero,
Gonna take pollution down to zero,
Gonna help him put us under,
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder

"You'll pay for this Captain Planet!"

We're the planeteers,
You can be one too!
'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do,
Looting and polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Planet has to say:

"THE POWER IS YOURS!!"

Captain Planet is a gay super hero that fights pollution. Hmm right. Most super heroes fight crime and protect citizens of their respective city from violent villains and evil criminal masterminds. Captain Planet fights littering and smog.

It was a worthy cause but would never catch on. I can imagine the writers behind Captain Planet. “We need an end to all of this pollution madness! We have to get the kids involved while they are young.” “How about a rad super hero that fights for the Earth.” “Awesome! Tell me more.” “And he can have green hair and a mullet.”

The intro begins with the narrator stating that the world is in peril. Gaia is the Earth spirit and “can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet.” What terrible destruction? Environmentalists are so paranoid and obsessed with protecting the Earth so our grandchildren will see trees, grey owls or whatever nonsense.

Look people realize we have to change our ways to save the planet. It really bothers me when we destroy animals’ habitats and cut down the rainforest. But I think we are getting better. “Evil” corporations spend millions to keeping green and educating people on how to help the environment. We don’t need some hero with a green mullet telling us to save the world from immanent doom.

Captain Planet is summoned by five planeteers from around the globe. Like in Lord of the Rings they all have special rings that grant them powers. But they’re not on a journey to save Middle Earth and fight orcs and shit. They fight pollution.

There is the token black kid Kwame with the power of earth. There is the radical kid Wheeler from North America. Haha nice name. He has the power of fire and doesn’t tie his shoes. There is the chick Linka from the Soviet Union with the power of Wind; I don’t trust her. Gi is the kid from Indo China with the power of Water. And Ma-Ti is from Brazil with the power of heart. Haha what a useless power that is; that’s power a chick would have.

I don’t know what the Planeteers do exactly. “Captain Planet here with the Planeteers. Let me see the evidence.” “Look Planet, we don’t need your help.” “Well Officer Murdock, I gather the suspect threw out a bag of cocaine.” “This isn’t your jurisdiction Planet.” “Throwing a bag out the window is littering. And I don’t think the car passed the emissions tests." “Dammit Planet I don’t tell you how to do your job.” “Murdock if we don’t stop the pollution now, we’re all fucked!” “Go save a tree Planet” “Go give someone a parking ticket! I have connections that could end your pitiful job in a heartbeat.”

Hoggish Greedly is the leader of the Eco Villains who loves to pollute and he drives a Humvee. One of his henchmen is Duke Nukem. I don’t think it’s the same Duke Nukem from the video games. The real Duke Nukem would pull out a pipe bomb and throw it at the planeteers, shoot Captain Planet in the eye and say hail to the king baby. I’m not sure what their mandate is aside from destroying the Earth’s natural balance. “Muhaha I love to see the hole in the ozone layer get even bigger! Muhaha, I threw a McDouble wrapper on the road. Muhaha. I tossed a mountain dew in the garbage and not in the recycling can. I’ll get you Captain Planet!”

Swimming Lessons

“It’s too hot to go swimming” – my chubby friend

Summer will be here shortly and that means we will open the pool. I have always had a pool. At my old house we had one that seemed massive as a kid. We had a slide and diving board. But when I pass by and check my old home it seems so small. When we moved to my current house there was nothing but grass. Eventually my dad built a deck, fence, pond, shed and pool.  And my parents planted flowers and such until there is no grass at all. Yes both my parents like flowers.

Our pool is massive and everyone thinks that’s really cool. But trust me, like devil sticks having your own pool gets old. The only time I really use it is to cool off. And cool off indeed! The problem we used to have with our pool was that my neighbor’s big ass trees hung over our pool so the pool was in the shade and abundant mixture of insects and leaves sprinkle gently on the pool making it a bitch to clean. And we don’t leave out our pool toys because they are a haven for all sorts of creepy bugs clinging for dear life.

It used to be fucking freezing. The question is do you slowly walk down the steps or do you take a plunge? The pool was too big for its own good. The deep end is huge and the cover is too annoying to use. And we don’t have a heater. We used have a solar thingy but that was a pain too. So we were super happy with 80 degrees. That’s why I prefer above ground pools; they’re warm, clean and fun to make whirlpools. I loved messing around in Wilson’s old pool and playing king of the tubes or whatever. So finally our neighbors cut down their trees out of fear of them falling on the house and wow what a great difference.

The coolest part having a large pool is having a diving bard; which we don’t use anymore. We paid for our first one, but the company went under and we had to pay for another one. I could do all the stupid jumps like a pencil dive, a twirl, like I was running in air or a good old cannon ball. Except for a flip. I could withstand a belly flop but was too scared to do a flip. I’d either pussy out and just jump in or smack and land on my back.

My brother could do it all the time. He and his friends would also always jump from the roof. This pissed me off so much. I get so worried because I could just picture them not clearing it, completely shattering their legs and ending up in wheel chair. The board lasted a while until it started to crack. Later some huge guy jumped off it and bam; no more diving board. At the time it wasn’t that bad because we had a tramboboline to jump from. But my Dad hated it so we never put it back up again. So if anyone wants a trambobline make me an offer.

As a kid I loved having my friends over to play Marco polo or water polo. Marco polo is that irritating game parents hate when you can’t look and keep calling “Marco” and wait for the others to say “polo” so you can catch them. Marco… polo. Marco.. polo. Marco.. … Marco.. …Marco… …Marco!!! Fuck you guys you got to say polo, I know you can’t be underwater that long!

As for water polo it’s everyone on their own and we use our stairs as the net. The ball has to land and stay inside the net. You must get three goals in order to play goalie. If you throw it out you have a minute penalty. And if it lands in old man Samson’s yard you must retrieve the ball and watch out for the dog. Okay I made that up. This game gets real violent as people are dunking and drowning each other or smacking them with a ball. Good old fun.

We also tried the game of who can swim the farthest under water. I think I might have killed some brain cells. I know Stics can stay underwater for a good minute. Seriously he’s like a navy seal.

A great part about swimming is seeing chicks in their bikinis and showing off your pecks and hot back hair! But like gym class fat kids loathe taking off their shirts and revealing their man-boobs. We already know you have male tits so who cares? It’s not like “oh my God your fat! I never realized it until you took your XXL shirt off.

Whatever you do, absolutely do not swim after you had something to eat!

The Arcade

Video Game Machines

Kids today are so spoiled with their Wiis, Xbox 360s and cell phones. They have ultra realistic graphics, motion sensor controllers with a dozen buttons.  They play a lot of Call of Duty and GTA. And the games are relativity cheap.

I was one of the first kids to have my very own video game system: the Atari! At the time the Atari was a high tech device and very expensive. The controller was a joystick stick with one or two buttons. And you could barely make out what a bunch of pixels were supposed to be. Me and my brother’s favorite games were Moon Patrol and Space Invaders.

I grew up in the 80s when people couldn’t afford to have their own household video games. So the action was at the arcade. The games were very simple but loads of fun. Pac Mac and Pac Chick are probably the most notorious arcade games. All you do is eat corn puffs and runaway from ghosts. Simple but additive. I own it at home but it wasn’t as fun. Part of the allure was trying to get a high score and leaving your name on the high score board. I usually leave funny names like ASS, GOD, PEE and STD.

One of my top arcade games was the Simpsons one. They had all of the characters and four people can play at the same time. Me and a friend finally beat it after a million quarters. I mean you get hit once by Mr. Burns and it costs another quarter. All for what?

The worst is when you run out of quarters and there is the whole continuation clock. It’s counting down and you are franticly searching for another quarter. Noooo its too late! Imagine you could play Zelda; you would need a second mortgage to beat it.

I like to play racing games in a booth with a steering wheel and pedal. What really pisses me off is when you run out of time. Assholes! That’s not fair. I think a Mario Kart arcade game or a drunk driver game would be fun.

I loved to play those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games where you and three others can play. I would pick Michelangelo, not actually kill anyone and keep stealing all of the pizzas. “Damn you Greg, I have no health and I needed that. You dick face!”

Shooting games are still loads of fun. I faintly recall one where you are a cop and must shoot the robbers while not killing the hostages. It was fun. They should make something like that for the Wii where I can use my rifle I got for a hunting game. Great practice for hunters, rednecks or bank robbers.

The most addictive arcade game for me was Street Fighter 2. They had it at the Kiwki Mart by my home and I would spend my whole allowance to play each weekend. I always used Dhalsim because he has the farthest reach. I also like the Brazilian guy with his electrical powers or Guile with his sonic boom boomerang.

And after spending like $40 you could play it on the Super Nintendo as many times as you want and face your friends. I’d use the low kick and keep tripping my opponent while he can’t get up. What bothers me is how they could possibly fuck up the movie. It should have been like Blood Sport. I hope they make a good movie sometime.

Mortal Kombat is another famous fighting game. Mortal Kombat! It’s much darker and graphic than Street Fighter. There was almost too much blood. The best part is when you have to Finish Him. I was never good at it because the moves are way too complicated for me. They were like up down a up left b up right a. I love Scorpion because I can actually pull off his special move where he throws a spear at the guy and says “get over here!”

Super Mario was introduced in Donkey Kong where a gorilla is taking Mario’s bitch and decides to throw barrels at the plumber. Strange but fun nonetheless. I never actually killed Donkey Kong, so when you do kill him do you do the whole thing all over again? Mario has a problem with his women keep getting kidnapped. He should never leave her side again.

Sometimes there are games other than video games. I’m pretty decent at the basketball game. I like the claw games too. I play it all the time just for fun. I have accidentally grabbed some shitty prizes like a banana or fish. But I have caught Marvin the Martian and a bulbasaur. Bulabasaur! Too I can’t find my pet pokemon; I think somebody I know threw it out. But who?

Skeeball is good fun. I remember a friend cheated buy climbing on it and repeatedly throwing the ball in the 50pts slot and winning like a million tickets. Good thing nobody found out. So you have all of these tickets to exchange for prizes. Too bad the prizes sucked. I think they were like fake glasses, silly putty or a Janet Jackson tape.

Peter Pan

Captain Prosthetic Hand

Of course I have heard of Peter Pan as a child but I never actually seen the Disney classic. I have seen Hook with Robin Williams and it was entertaining. I kind of felt sorry for Ruffio. Ruffioo! But I was pissed off when I dressed up as Link for Halloween and everyone thought I was Peter Pan.

So I bought some movies at the Goodwill for fifty cents each. I promised my brother not to buy anymore VHS tapes. But they’re fifty cents each! And now I can’t get most of them on DVD. Besides I don’t have the courage to buy Disney cartoons at Wal-Mart. “Uh this is for my nephew, um Jim”.

I ended up selling a bunch of tapes for a dollar each at a store called Cowboys and Indians. The clerk was the Indian and was playing some native rock. I have no clue how he stays open because I’m the only one in Sarnia who still buys them. Well he has hats and peace pipes too.

I finally watched Peter Pan. It was the special edition; whatever the Hell that means. I was so disappointed. In fact I was angry.  Peter pissed me off so frickin much. I hate his face, I hate his voice and I hate his tights. All he does is fly around like a fairy and has a really annoying laugh. I would have loved to see Captain Hook finally kill the brat just like how someone should have killed Jar Jar Binks long ago.

I forget the reason why Peter Pan came to Wendy’s home in England.  I think it had to do with kids believing in him but I’m not sure. Peter decides to drop in by Wendy’s window looking for his damn shadow. Honestly I wouldn’t give a fuck if my shadow went loose. What has it done for met lately?

Then there is a real fairy Tinker Bell. What a bitch. I think she is in love with Peter because he is the only other fairy she knows. “But Tinker how can a fairy love a prepubescent boy?” (Editors note: I couldn’t spell the word prepubescent in Word and ended up using Google to look up the spelling of it and I searched for prepubescent boys. I hope I’m not going in jail for that shit.)

Anyway he’s much too big for her. But she has magical powers and fairy dust that can make you fly. That would kick ass! I would fly around and people would be like “look up its Greg in the sky. And look he saved a kitty from a tree. I think they already have a script in the works.” So the fairy is jealous that the Pan likes Wendy and tries to kill her several times.

Peter meets Wendy and her two brothers and asks them to fly to Never Never Land with him. Pete grabs Tinker to sprinkle some pixie dust on the kids to help them fly. The trick is to think happy thoughts to fly. I thought of the time I first time I played Nintendo or when I was getting Big Macs for only $1.50. Mmm. Too bad for people who can’t think of happy thoughts and therefore can’t fly. This only makes them sadder.

We finally meet Captain Morgan and drink some good Rum. Wait that was another time. We finally meet Captain Hook and Smee. Now what did they call the Captain before he lost his hand. He must have had a real name. His parents didn’t just look up in a baby name books and land on Hook. “Honey how about Hook?” “Yes, Hook Smith, that has a ring to it.” “Hook it is, my beautiful little Hook.”

I say how about Captain Ron? I mean Hooky would be really pissed off with his crew keep calling Captain Hook and keep reminding him that Peter Pan cut off his hand, fed it to crocodile and now he can’t play Nintendo.

If I have ever lost my hand, maybe from trying to stop the elevator with my arm or checking underneath a running lawn mower, I would liked to be called Captain Prosthetic Hand. Arrgg. But I would like to attach other gadgets to my arm. Maybe a ping pong racket hand or maybe a fishing rod hand. And I would need a fly swatter hand just in case there is a pesky fly. My point is I rather have something more useful than a hook.

We meet up with the lost boys who remain children. Would you like to be a lost boy? I rather be a lost teenager and hope there are some lost women. How did they become lost boys? Did the parents just leave them there in Never Land because the parents don’t love them? And why are they dressed up as animals? I do remember wearing those one piece bunny pajamas as a kid. The fat one is the idiot.

The movie can be quite violent. The mermaids are jealous of Wendy and try to pull her in the water. Peter tells them to stop. The mermaids are like we only tried to drown her. Too bad mermaids are mermaids and they can’t even walk or have sex. And that’s another problem I have with Peter, he can never be serious or angry, he’s just too happy and oblivious.

So Hook is luring Peter by roping an aboriginal girl and drowning her when the tide comes up. They rescue her and bring her back to the native’s village. Let the racism begin! The white children are calling them all red men, ingins and savages. I mean this is so very bad. The Indians are retarded and the Chief doesn’t even look like a human at all. They all sit around the fire, chanting racists’ songs about their red skin and doing the whole hand over mouth thing. The one kid smokes some tobacco.

I feel bad for the crocodile because he can’t turn off the alarm clock he swallowed. That’s like Chinese torture. I guess the batteries would eventually run out. I think it would be much cooler the croc swallowed a boom box and you can hear him play ADCD wherever he goes. Hook has been attacked by the crocodile more than twice. The first time he gets away, the last time you see him swim away from the crocodile in the sea. So he either violently get eaten alive or drowns. Unless Smee can save him in his shitty boat.

I forgot the end and because it’s on VHS and I’m not going to rewind it to the parts I missed. Damn you VHS! The kids return home before the parents come home from some opera or some event. Now I must ask if in Never Land does time slow down relative to Earth or what? Because the kids must have been in Never Land way longer than the parents have been in the opera.

I forgot what happens to Pete in the end but I don’t really give a shit. Throughout the movie they call each other cod or cod fish but it sounds like cock or cock fish. And they used the word eh. That’s cool eh.

I already wrote a blog about the creepy Michael Jackson but here’s more. I bet Michael Jackson watched this movie every day and is part of the reason why he was so fucking crazy. You see the late Michael Jackson never had a childhood. So he named his place Never Land Ranch to lure in kids to play with him and share a bed. That’s right an adult sleeping in a bed with young kids. He thinks he’s Peter Pan. And I think I’m Teen Wolf.