Happy Birthday To Me

Well it’s the best day of the year, my birthday. 25 years old where does the time go? I actually forget how old I am sometimes. So I have to think, I was born in 1982 and so if I subtract it from 2011 that mean, uh I need a calculator. I always thought I was like Peter Pan and be a child for the rest of my life. In fact I still use the phrase when I grow up I want to be a dentist. Funny side story, when I was kid and they asked what you want to be I said a robber.

I guess my relatives forgot is my big two five. Of course the only other person I know when is their birthday is Irving because it’s on ground hog day. I didn’t even get a card from my god parents. Usually I get something like happy bearday! With a bear wearing a party hat. And I’m like that’s cute but where’s the money you cheap bastards! For my parents birthday I used to make cards, which my mom loved. My dad wasn’t as thrilled.

I love having birthday parties as a kid. I would invite as many people as possible. Kids I didn’t even like. I just thought presents! Maybe it’s because my mom is so cheap and the only time I get toys is for my birthday and Christmas.

I love cake. I usually get mud cakes with gummy worms or vanilla frosting cake with sprinkles. I remember I used to eat the left over frosting. In fact a couple of years ago I got really really stoned and ate frosting out of the can. Not the smartest decision, I could have got diabetes.

I got the Wii! Again. I don’t know how it happened but I got the Xbox 360 and so my brother got the Wii. And he invested so much in that it’s his now. And my mom didn’t even rap it because I pretty much picked it out. Anyway in addition to a watch, a helicopter and a death ray, the Wii is the only thing wanted. I already have 100s of games and clothes. Because if I want something now I use my allowance to get it. There is one more Nintendo DS I want to get to complete my video game collection. Maybe if I didn’t drink so much beer and eat so many Big Macs for one week I could afford it. It’s called Radiant Historia and got good reviews if you have a DS and give a shit.

Anyway I’m going to get really drunk and maybe hit all of the bars and get free shots.  And eat all of the pizza pockets because it’s my big day and I can do what ever I want. Greg you puked pizza pockets all over the carpet. But hey it’s your birthday. I’ll clean it up. Happy Birthday. I love you.

Huge Boobs How To Make Bombs Drunk Lesbians Weed Cross Dressers Jesus God Brittney Spears Nude (and other key words people may use to search the web for)

I was looking up the traffic sources for my blogpage because I was curious how people found out about it. I know most people are people I know found that found out about my page through facebook. Some of the key words people used to find my page were fucked up. Some of the messed up ones were “ass rammers,” “little blue gay,” “centaur can’t reach own butt” and “centaur hung like a horse.” Who the fuck are these perverts that search for gay centaur porn on the internet. I hope they aren’t disappointed that when they look up smurf porn they get to my page without any porn or even any pictures at all.

Psychics for Dummies

Here’s my own paradox about fortune telling, but I’m sure someone beat me to the punch. Let’s say the psychic says that some chick is going get knocked up and she warns her not to have sex with some dude. So she doesn’t have sex. The problem occurs that fortune teller would have seen the new future of her not having sex but that means her early prediction of her getting knocked up wouldn’t happen. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Psychics are the dumbest thing ever. If it was real then they be billionaires by now. Think sciencetifaclly (I can’t spell) here. If they were true than scientist would have done millions of tests on this psychic phenomena. But they don’t because they’re scientist and not idiots. I wonder how this fortune telling works. How far can they predict; the end of time? And how much can they predict? I mean the brain can’t possibly function with this overload of information. Believers might think they can only predict so much and the person has to be there. Again stupid. I don’t how the fuck you can see in the fucking future in a fucking crystal ball. They would be selling these balls on EBay and everyone would be psychic and destroy the space time continuum as we know it.

Eat something!

I was watching a Lady Gaga video with my mom. First off, it takes like 3 minutes for the music to begin. I love the song but after the twentieth damn time it gets really really annoying. And Gaga looks like a fucking skeleton. I said holy shit (watch you friking language – my mom) is she ever skinny and gross. And my mom says she got a great figure.

That’s the thing about anorexia; I think girls have a huge obsession to be skinny. Its cliché but they have a poor body image. I kind of think women want to be like how they looked as kids. News flash guys like boobs, hips and asses. Well I do. I like the curves. I like women and not 12 year old girls. I think the perfect age is 21 where they can drink in the States. Its 19 over here in Canada for my American friends. Don’t get me wrong though; there are girls with naturally slim bodies.

I too suffered the sling of anorexia, well kind of. As a kid I looked like a starving Ethiopian. In fact my dad and brother had this long standing joke about me being adopted. I used to eat everything all of the time and never gained an ounce. I had like no muscles and my legs looked like Big Birds. I could barely lift my ten pound bowling ball. But was I fast. I could run forever like fucking Forrest Gump. My brother and his friend recommend I do wrestling where I face opponents in my own weight category. Well I got it in my head that I should lose more weight to make it to the 88 pounds category. Sure enough I was the tough one for my weight because of my dragon’s blood. But it sucked big time. All I thought was about food and Faggo Pop, I mean Faygo Pop. It never occurred to that maybe eating was more important than doing well at wrestling. Well I finally snapped and starting eating like crazy to gain some weight. I would eat butter and lots of meat. And I hit the gym and after like four months I gained twenty pounds and way more muscle. My point is what makes us happy. We shouldn’t put how we appear before being happy. Eat sensibly and exercise.

You Are Not Looking For These Droids

I recall we had a hypnotist come to high school a long time ago. I knew well before that hypnosis is all bullshit. But this was supposed to be funny. Of course right off the bat he says he can’t hypnotize you if you don’t want to. He chooses the people and obviously the most outgoing come on stage. He starts off with these exercises and actually makes cuts. And they gone all along with it. It was funny, but I later I was with my friends and I made the comment on how phony that was. And they unanimously say no they were hypnotized. And I felt like I taking crazy pills. All he did was use this deep but cool voice, make them close their eyes and he made these suggestions. He didn’t even use a fucking medallion. Look if someone had the power to hypnotize people the world would be at their mercy. I give there is always the slim chance that some crazy person under a lot of drugs could be suggestive. But now you have police that use hypnosis on victims to recreate their memories that are completely inaccurate. Where did he touch you. Jedi powers on the other hand work on the weak minded. You want to take off your clothes.

Fantastic Foursome

Invisible Bitch has some cool powers. I’m not sure how it works. Do her clothes also turn invisible or can she only do it with her special uniform.. Because I hope she can get invisible tampons with wings for those heavy days. Of course nothing good comes out of being invisible for most people. Think of all of the things you could do. You can sneak into Disney Land or steal chocolate bars. Her force field is pretty handy as well.

I’ve always feel sorry for the Thing. Not only does he have boring powers he’s an orange brick freak. Now I realize it’s just a comic book and I shouldn’t read into it that much but how does his body operate? Does he have a brick heart?  Does he eat rocks? His hands are pretty useless, imagine him trying to sign a care package or opening some Tylenol (cause he has a pounding head ache!) And you can’t really fit in with the general public. People would notice him. I know the ladies love it big and hard, but the only girlfriend he’s getting is the hand; which is probably not fun either.

Torch is pretty cool too. I would love to fly; no more walking for me. Of course I don’t know how his flames work? Does he just think of it and bam! Because that could be very dangerous to non super heroes. Oh honey you tits are great and you’re making me hot. And fuck I burnt another hooker. By the way what’s worse third degree or first degree?

And then you have Stretch Armstrong. This has got to be the craziest super power. But how far can he stretch? I mean can he grow like 100 feet tall? We all know the first thing he did with his powers is grow a 20 inch dick. But how long is too long? I mean you don’t want it dragging on the ground.

I always wondered if super heroes can play competitive sports. In football all you have to do is pass the Thing the ball and let him walk down the field. Mr. Fantastic can straight arm guys 30 feet away or just stretch his arm with the football down the end zone. Invisible Bitch can just disappear and hang out in the end zone for a pass. And Flame on could fly for a touch down and give some third degree burns to the other players.

I'm Batman Motherfucker!

I love the old 60s Batman movie where he has shark repellent on his belt. I think he’s obsessed with calling everything bat something. For breakfast I will try having a bat shaped omelet and some bat juice. I’m sure he calls his cell phone the bat phone with a batman song ring tone. Dun na nuna duna Batman! And when he makes sweet love to Cat Women or whoever he uses the bat condom with bat lubrication and does it batty style. And whoever builds these cars, helicopters and gadgets. It would be more realistic to have a Beamer with some stickers and a bat spoiler. Does he need to upgrade the Bat Computer because his monitors are huge, his internet sucks and he can’t even play World of Warcraft. Do you think he gets viruses when he’s downloading bats doing it. I know if Batman took the bat computer to Future Shop those idiots have no clue. I love the Batmobile but that must be really bad on gas especially with the prices so high. I like to fill up on silver octane and my bat windows need scrubbing. Oh shit, I locked my bat keys in the batmoblie. The whole bat signal doesn’t work, I’ve tried. And it’s a little gay to have some boy with absolutely no powers or skills follow him around. I’m Batman, and uh this is Robin. No I’m not a child molester. And Robin’s tiny little mask isn’t covering anything, it’s worse than Superman’s hidden identity.

Value Village

I went to Value Village a while ago and bought this TV. I know the whole As Is sticker is a huge warning sign. But it said tested and I assumed whoever donated it got a new television. I get back home and I get nothing but fuzz. So I go back and try to return it and the dude won’t let me. I’m like it said it was tested. And he was like we couldn’t really test it but the power worked. He says he couldn’t refund it because he could lose his job. And I’m like ya you got a great job here. Zing. And he says its only $17 and I’m like its $17 that’s a lot of money for me. So I pull a Mark Merchant and start swearing at him. Well the manager finally gives him the okay and I get my $17, which I probably spent on weed and Big Macs. Greg one, Value Village zero. Of course it wasted gas and more important my time. My World of Warcraft character Gorak could have reached level 23 in that time. And who the fuck donates a broken televisions? That’s almost as bad as donating boxers with skid marks.

Ghost

Now I’m a very gullible and paranoid person. I’m always exited about winning cruses in the mail or thinking everyone is against me. But whoever believes in ghost is crazy. Think about the physics. What kind of molecules are they made of. It makes no sense. Are we to believe ghosts are outside the laws of physics? Or are they made of exmoplasitic matter. I mean scientist have located DNA strands but have yet to find any concrete evidence of ghost.

Why wouldn’t a ghost go straight to white house and do a press conference. Okay, I am Abraham Lincoln the ghost and uh we are real. It’s been a running joke of us ghosts to fuck with individual people. Making noises, stairs creaking and shutting windows to make otherwise rational people go crazy. But Bill the ghost fucked up our secrecy by appearing at a Tina Turner concert in front of millions and got caught in a net. Thanks buzz kill Bill.

How can you possibly believe in religion and in ghosts? Did the ghost not make to Heaven or Hell? Why would God send down these trapped souls to haunt their duplex they group up in? Honey, our duplex is haunted. Every time I try to watch television and try to catch the few remaining Oprah shows this gay porn turns on. People say that they have something important to complete so they can finally rest. Like the ghost who needs to beat Zelda 2 Links Adventure before he can reach heaven.

What would you do if you were a ghost? First I’d fly around a bit and scare people I hate or celebrities. Then I would appear before Stickley and tell him to go to the Dagobah System to speak with Yoda. Then I would haunt Aaron’s mansion and keep stealing his spoons. Finally I would play Call of Duty with Irving.

Cock Sucker

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Lord Greg

Me and my mom just got some Wednesday whoppers for $4. They were delicious. And then she prayed before she ate them. Lord thank you for this bounty you have bestowed upon us. We are blessed with these whoppers; one with no tomatoes and extra sauce. And she always wants me to say the prayer with her instead of eating my food already.

Do you really think HIM gives a fuck that we got Burger King today? He already knows everything. It likes someone telling me the plot of Scarface when I have already seen it a dozen times. Your welcome Greg’s mom, it was I who made those burgers through the Holy Spirit. Beginning with those farmers who cut down our rainforest to make way for cattle that get shipped to Sarnia and eventually cooked into a mighty whopper.

What happens if we don’t pray? Does the good Lord just take away my whopper? There I’m destroying your whopper you ungrateful son of a bitch. Hey where did my whopper go? It was the fat guy wasn’t it. It was my $4 that bought me those whoppers. And it was my parents’ jobs that gave me my allowance to get that $4 to pay for those whoppers.

Why do people pray to someone like God or Saint Greg? They never respond it. It’s like ordering whoppers from a burger king after they closed. Never in my childhood when I was still a believer did Jesus respond. Please God; I want superhero powers and a Nintendo. I never got my superhero powers, but I did get a Nintendo a year later. Ha I never specified when I wanted a Nintendo. You got me good Lord.

Then there are people who pray for anything, like asking to get a strike (which actually happened in Jesus Camp). Yes God doesn’t have hard time feeding all of these starving people, but hey HE will let you get a strike. Then there are pro athletes who pray to win. I’m sure it wouldn’t matter because both teams are praying to win and they cancel each other out. It would only work if they were against Greg and the Sarnia Atheists.

Politically Incorrect Guess Who

As you all know Guess Who is the great American game where you have like 30 faces to choose from and you have to find their opponents person by asking question about them. Like does he have a handle bar mustache? Of course the first question should be if he is a guy.

I wonder how fun guess who would be in those Middle Eastern countries where they force their women to wear burqa (I don’t know how to spell it) and all you can see are their eyes.  Obviously every player would choose a chick. Hmm does she have brown eyes? Hmm does she hate infidels?

Whose gay idea was it to force women in certain Middle Eastern countries to wear a burqa? Were the guys getting too many boners in public? So I guess they decided to cover women head to toe so you can only see their eyes. So who knows if they’re hot or a dessert hag.  Let me take off your mask veil thingy and ewe. Again. Their women definitely have a vitamin D deficiency. What would their playboy bunnies look like? I see an ear! And I came. Do they have cross dressers? And at what age do they cover their females, two, three? I rather force the of aged women to wear only thongs and sandals.  That would be awesome.

I would love to create Politically Incorrect Guess Who for adults.. I would make it incredible racists, sexists, prejudice, homo… you got the idea.  I also think Celebrity Guess who would fun as well

Some questions would be:

 Does he have an afro?

Okay he’s black

Is she hot?

Well it can’t be Fergie.

Does he have frost tips.

Okay he must be gay.

Is she incredibly fat?

Okay it’s got to be Rosie O’Donnell

Is he Chinese?

Okay I have narrowed it down to six Chinese guys, but they all look the same.

 I’m joking.

Top Ten Things That Annoy Me About My Mom

I love my mom to death. But she definitely has her quarks. So here’s David Letterman’s Top Ten things that annoy me about my mom.

Number 10: She sets all of our clocks four, nine or eleven minutes early so she will never be late and I have no fucking clue what time it actual is.

Number 9:  She always locks the door, even in the afternoon when me and my dad are home. Or when I say I’d be back in ten minutes, as if the burglar has ten minute window to break in and steal my Nintendo or our priceless silverware.

Number 8: She hates when I drink too much pop or eat too many cookies. She won’t buy stuff if we eat it all too fast. You had four cans last night. I’m not going to buy any more pop. Yet she doesn’t want me to waste any food, so I have to eat all of the old cereal. Like Lucky Charms after I picked out all of the marshmallow. They should make it all marshmallows.

Number 8:  She always ruins our meals when she says how many calories and salt are in our food. She will be like “Greg no more Taco Bell or KFC,” and yet she doesn’t want me to get any skinnier.

Number 7:  She unplugs every appliance or electrical devise because it wastes energy and the blender might magically turn on and burn the house down.

Number 6:  She demands me to do something right away when I’m in a middle of something. But mom I will cut the grass after I watch Golden Girls, it’s the one when Blanche fucks a minor. Or she will do it herself and put the guilt trip on me.

Number 4:  I know gas is high and it could easily go up to 200. But she makes me do everything while I’m out and not just one trip to KFC. Oh no I forgot to mail that letter. Damn it all!”

Number 5: She has to look presentable every time she goes out or someone comes to the door. She would spend an hour doing her hair and makeup because the plumber is coming over.

Number 3: She makes me brush my teeth after anything I eat, like a cookie or KFC or when I’m going out for anything like cutting the grass.

Number 2: She is so tight and stingy with her money. My parents are well off and really have nothing else they really need except money to go on trips and vacations. But she will never buy name brand pop because she can save 20 cents with diet caffeine free low sodium Masters Choice. And she will like freak out when my dad buys another hammer without consulting with her

Number 1:  My mom is a huge religioner. She goes to church like three times a week and keeps asking me to come despite my atheism. She always prays before meals as if God just hands out our food and not because we work and buy it. Every time we have a debate she throws in something about Jesus and I can never win. She goes as far to thank the lord for a good parking spot.

Carpe Diem

Do you ever stop and think what you really want to do with your life. I’m mean when you are on your deathbed what are you glad to have done and what should you have to done. I mean we have but one life to live and it’s short. And you can’t change the pasts (this is one my own problems).  We get into these routines and live pretty much the same thing day to day. Try something new each day. Today I tried the third pound burger at McDonalds. Awesome, what a day!

And we must be glad to what we have and not what we don’t have. My collection of clothes means a lot to me. It makes me happy. I actually try all of them on every once in a while. I also love my assortment of video games. Even on reverse retirement I can’t even begin to play them all. But what happened if my house caught on fire from a roach I left and I lost everything. And you have to start from scratch. Do you know how hard it is to find mircomachines on the N64? What an awesome game. The more you have the more you can lose. I’m sure some guy in Kenya could give a shit if his hut got blown down and he lost his Sega Genesis. I can’t imagine what I’d do without my Golden Girls DVD box set.

And I’m sometimes jealous of rich people that can afford more weed than they could even begin to smoke, have three 80 inch screen televisions, order Pizza Hut every three hours and go on cruises. That would be heaven! Sometimes I miss out on going on trips to Europe, New York or Vegas like my friends who aren’t on reverse retirement do. Sometimes I pretend I’m at Amsterdam. But anyone can afford to rent Snow Dogs 3: Snow Puppies. It’s not like rich people enjoy it more with their caviar popcorn.

One of my problems is is I’m like the cricket. I store and save things and plan to do something one day. But that day never comes. For example I once saved up my Halloween candy and didn’t eat it right away. It went bad and I had to throw it away. Or I buy all of these video games and controllers to play with my friends but I hardly see them and when I do we have better things to do than play Mario Party. I always postpone things. Well I’m going to start living in the presence. And not to be so damn cheap!

You got to enjoy the little things like a good cup of coffee and read the next Garfield comic strip. Oh Garfield you got to stop with the catnip. I find that my golden years are much better than when I was young. I have nothing really to worry about and enjoy playing shuffle board with the fellow retirees when I’m in Florida.

I think somebody should write a good book in what they did wrong and what they did right in life. Things like lessons everyone has learned too late. Like how to enjoy your youth. I use to puke on regular bases, but never learned because when I’m drunk I like to get more drunk. I don’t even remember the last time I puked. I think it was at a huge house party and I puked macaroni all over Aaron's place. That’s one of the last times I drank booze. I’m a beer drinker now. I think some of my own lessons are to learn to relax and not worry so damn much about what others think of you. I also use to work out like five times a week and hated it and didn’t give myself enough time to recoup. I only workout now twice a week and definitely recommend it. And of course smoke weed. I’ve already written infinity blogs about weed but you definitely think outside the box and whats important in life. Now I’m going to smoke some weed and watch Dances with Wolves.

The Acid Trip

I know every month I come up with this crackpot idea that will get me rich and change the face of the world. We all have heard about my own Star Wars parody. But Family Guy beat me to it. So it would have to be rated R because one scene is where Luke uses the force to seduce and knock up Leah who he later realizes is his own sister. I wrote down tons of funny scenes like Jar Jar getting a horrible death from some evil Jedi. But it wouldn’t happen. And I will have to continue to buy value burgers and water at McDonalds.

Then there’s my book I call Blind Faith. I have a million of things to say about religion. The problem is that I have to read and research the bible. And I don’t like reading very boring books about who Moses great aunt was. One thing I find horrible about the Bible is the dude who was going to kill his son until an angel stopped him. Do you know how fucking insane that is. What would happen if someone did that today? I was about to get carried away just now. Anyway I loved Bill Maher’s Religulous. It was a perfect movie but wasn’t as successful as it should have been. Therefore my book would never happen since how poorly his movie was received. I actually got it for $3 at Liquidation World. And also Blood Sport and Road Warrior Pack were awesome finds. I’m still looking for Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy.

Then there is my semi autobiography film called Runner’s High. It’s follows the struggles and perseverance of a young man named Craig that must find his way out of his parent’s basement and to become world famous video game creator. I would of course include my family and friends. Stix could be the pale friend who’s suffering from the aids and I must find a way to pay his bills and keep him alive. Of course that’s a stretch. We have free medicare. Aaron could be the wealthy friend that gives Craig financial boost to get his novel published and a sense of hope. And Irving could be the wise narrator.

But this time I’m serious. I think I have a good idea for a movie. I call it the Acid Trip. A movie about acid for acid heads. The main plot is a bet to see if some guy (let’s call him Ted) can take five hits and find his way home. He freaks out and all this weird shit happens. Like seeing people with speech and thought bubbles above their heads. And at the same time have to face his own inner demons. And many flashbacks. Meanwhile Ted’s friends are also on acid and watch some messed up movies, shows or music videos. Later they have to find Ted. I would include all my crazy experiences on Shrooms and weed. And include my top blogs.

Lets All Go To The Lobby

I just saw Thor with my dad last night and wow what a good movie. I was little skeptical at first. I didn’t know his powers or his arch villain. I thought a guy with a beard and a hammer would be a little boring. But were we impressed. Good story, good action and there are some funny parts too. And Natalie Portman is always hot. If only she dropped my restraining order, because we were meant to be together for all eternity.

My dad always likes to get the seats against the wall because he doesn’t like getting up every time some chick has to pee again for the third time. Or if the fat guy ran out of food. He likes his seats at the back row so you can see the whole screen and not get a sore neck. I hate when I sit behind Marge Simpson or Shaq.

I also sneaked in some skittles I got at dollarama. What a rush! But I should have asked for no ice cubes. My drink was 70% ice and tasted like water. Next time I’m sneaking in a beer and cotton candy. The concession stand is how they make all the money. And you always end up getting xxx large pop because it’s only 50cents more for the next size

I have yet to see a movie where me and my friends are the only ones. Like you want to see Snow Dogs the Sequel: the Next Litter and have the theater all to yourself and then that guy at the front row comes in. The movie won’t start without him.

There are some movies I like to see at the theatre like an action or adventure flick like Lord of the Rings.  But I rather smoke weed and watch a comedy with you’re friends at home. And a horror movie is much scarier at home alone. In the dark!

And then there are dramas that I like to watch alone or with my mom. None of my friends are going to watch the Joy Luck Club with me, (I spelt it Joy Lick Club, Freudian slip?) And I love to drink beer while I watch college movies where they drink beer.

Do you like too see famous actors or lesser known ones? I love to see my favorite comedian actors like Will Farrell, Seth Rogen, Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler. And you know it’s a good movie if Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson or Leonardo Di Capri are in it. Then you have Nicolas Cage. I actually walked out on Trade Center and watched another movie. Ha he’s totally broke.

I would love to have my own Imax Theater. I think it would pay off after 250 movies because of all the money you’d save from getting $16 gummy bears and a $28 extra extra large Pepsi. And imagine watching Star Wars on that. The Rancor would be huge!

Rated Z! Its’ funny that a 6 year old can watch a guy get shot in the neck but can’t watch a movie with tits or the word fuck. Holy fucking shit cunt.

I love previews. Notice all of the funny parts in a bad movie are in the preview. Or they give away too much. I think less is more. You wanted to get you’re pumped up for it but not overdue it. You got to entice them. The Acid Trip; Fact is Stranger than Fiction. Comes out summer of  2013!

No dogs! Dogs must be on a leash. Unless they don’t bite.

I love how the tiniest little dog barks at you like their Mike Tyson. I guess they don’t realize I could toe putt them for a field goal. I think they have a napoleon conflict.

This is the second time this month that I was afraid for my life by getting attacked by dogs. I wouldn’t be afraid of a poodle also know as flaming or the sissy dog. I would kick it in the face. But these were big dogs. Last night I got stoned and went for a nice walk. Every thing was going good and I was thinking of messed up stuff for my movie the Acid Trip. It was dark and I was walking along the path and out of nowhere these dogs come running at me and growling. I didn’t know what to do. Do I freeze like you do when you encounter a bear, run away or stand your ground and stare into their eyes? Well I couldn’t see their master and was going to hop the fence. Well I finally see the bitch (the lady not the dog) and she’s like oh don’t worry they won’t bite. Well how the fuck am I suppose to know? Where’s the fucking lease on these dogs? I she inside the dogs’ minds, how do I know they won’t snap?

I was at the LCBO by the old Sunripe and there were these two massive rottweilers. I’m talking ghostbuster hounds. They were chained to this post but they were like ten feet from the door and all of these customers were afraid of them. They were growling and fighting with each other. So I asked the clerk about them. And they were all afraid as well. She pointed to this crazy fuck. Apparently he actually threatened to sic another customer. Holy shit! I was about to call the cops. You insane fuck.

I hate pitbulls. Unless you own a junk yard then I don’t understand why you would own one. They’re vicious; they’re breed to be evil. I always hear about how people think they’re dog is nice it would never attack someone. Sure 90% are peaceful but there is that 10% who are capable of biting a little girl. My aunt actually got bitten by one. They’re not cute at all. So why wouldn’t you just get a golden retriever or something.

On a lighter side, there was this couple running after their small and cute dog. It ran right in front a car. I was stunned. That could have been ugly. And another time this one dog followed me home from

Cathcart Street

. After that I don’t what happened. I’m starting to sound like a little kid. One day I , one day I got ice-cream, it was yummy and then I dropped it and the guy got me another one. Anyway I just had to get the fact I a hate viscous dogs off my chest. I will probably write something good about dogs in another edition of I Have Issues.

I Have Many Issues.

It’s I Have Issues 50^th post anniversary. A milestone in the life of a person who smokes weed and lives in his parent’s basement. What started as a long comment, eventually gave rise to these massive dissertations that took up to five comment boxes and a huge chunk of people’s wall. And I edited the shit out them. Well I had fans and people pissed off with hearing about how much I like beer and Star Wars. I actually lost some friends. But who cares. I believe it was Stix who suggested I create a blog page. Where I could write anything and how long I wanted. And there is the birth of I Have Issues. I actually had one way back when Britney Spears was hot. It was called something like Re-tarded.blogspot.com. I was in need of some human attention and allow people to get inside the mind of Greg. Well I have made some fans. So far Canada is in the lead with the States in second. I also had hits from India, Singapore, and Germany. So spread the Good Word. And also spread the word of I Have Issues. Anyway I’m having a huge celebration party at my place. I already asked permission from my mom. There will a punch and pie!

Here’s my first real blog at Facebook:

You know how everybody has that one thing that they are good at; well I’m 27 and I still haven’t found that thing. I’ve narrowed it down to several possibilities. One is the ability to beat Zelda 2 Link’s Adventure; I bet you couldn‘t. Another is my knowledge of the force; both the light and dark side. And the ability to sleep up to 16 hours a night.

Well I have come a long way since then. I’m turning 29 on May 30^th and have since beaten Zelda the Minish Cap and my Jedi Powers are far stronger. Even stronger than Yoda himself. I sleep only 13 hours a night now and have started writing the soon to be cult following classic; the Acid Trip. Which I will discuss later in another edition of I Have Issues.

I’m In a Lot of Pain. I’m Very Badly Burnt.

I’m very injury prone. I’m always stubbing me toes, banging me knees or hitting me head. Maybe I don’t have a good field of vision. Maybe I need a helmet. Thank God we have free healthcare or else my mom would say something like sorry Greg you have to bite the bullet and not get a cast for your broken leg. I just recently hurt my foot playing basketball and I still have a limp. And I can’t play hockey for a while. Boourns. That’s my favorite thing to do.

I use to always skin my knees from falling off the equipment. I would actually pull a Peter Griffin. Ahh chhh oohh ahh. I think the Neosporin was more painful that the injury itself. No, lord no please none of that, it’s not infected. Ahh! And there used to be this ointment called Zambuk that worked wonders.

But kids are suppose to get hurt. I mean a scar is a badge of honor. Remember the wood equipment we use to have? Like the zip line thing, the wobbling bridge, the fireman pole or the tire swing.  Now we have this pussy equipment. It’s all plastic and colorful. I bet it was some sissy kid got hurt and the mother complained. There should be a sign play at your own risk. No sissies (with crossed out symbol of a mail ballerina). What’s next? Forcing kids to wear knee pads, mouth guards and running helmets? You  can’t always protect your children. It makes them pussies and they end up getting their ass kicked by other kids. Of course there were no bullies when I was in school, it was very preppy.

Here are some my injuries. I got a deep cut playing street hockey and needed stitches. I was like no please its not that bad. Look its already healing. I couldn’t even watch them do it. Of course I got ice cream afterwards. I chose Cookies and Cream but I have should have got Bubble Gum.

I was climbing the top of the swings and fell off. I was screaming at first, but I walked it off. So I went home and tried to play some Nintendo. But I noticed something was wrong my wrist. Of course my mom is queen of worrying and took me to the ER. Which is once again completely free in Canada. So the doctor told me I fractured my wrist and I had to get a cast. Too bad this happened in the summer and I didn’t miss any school. A cast which I couldn’t  get wet. So I would watch all my friend swim while I sit on a chair drinking some Pepsi. And I had to wrap a bag over my arm when I would shower.

I forgot the details, but I got into an accident got a huge gouge in my head. They had to give me staples. Which they literally staple them in with a common stapler. You can’t feel it though. Just hear it. And I’m sure Stix and Irving remember when we were at the beach in the winter. We would play this game where we run across the beach and not get wet as the waves come crashing in. Well I was looking behind me when I ran full tilt into a fucking metal staircase. I was knocked out cold for like five minutes. What, what, what happened?  Well I walked if off and didn’t go the hospital. Smart idea Greg. I now have a small dent in my head. And possible brain damage. Hmm, that would explain a lot.

And my biggest injury was when I broke my fucking tibia. That’s the huge main bone in your leg. I was playing ice hockey and got checked. I happened real fast but I think I put my foot on a awkward angle and snap. So I try to get up and snap again I made it worse. Well my dad didn’t think it was that bad. Oh its just a strain. He was taking off my skate and I’m screaming. Then we both see my fucking bone popping out my leg. It didn’t pierce the skin but it was ugly. So the ambulance came and I was on a stretcher and got right into the operating room without waiting in the line. A line where half of the patients shouldn’t even be there for. So your leg fell a sleep? Anyway I was in a combination of shock and under drugs. There was another sketchy chick in the room. I asked my parents why she was there, and I would later realize she was probably on narcotics.

So I was in a good mood. I thought I would miss school and my mom would wait on me hand and foot while I play Nintendo. So I get the cast, one which could get wet this time. Too bad you couldn’t sign it. It was huge; it went from my waste down to my feet. I needed crutches like I was Tiny Tim. Well it sucked ass. I could barely climb up stairs or make it to the bathroom in time. Good thing I had insurance on my paper route and got free money. I suddenly felt left out and ostracize from my friends. Were going to play some tennis; your free to come and watch. You could be the ref. I played a lot of the original Pokemon. Pichachuuu! I had a cast on for five months. And wouldn’t feel completely better for another three months. I never played hockey again until only two years ago. Which I also hurt my back and cut my elbow because when I fell on the ice and the damn elbow pad slid down and was completely useless.

Anyway I had an allergic reaction to the cast. I was in Hell.  It got so fucking itchy. Imagine an itch that you couldn’t scratch. I would use a meter stick to scratch it or spray hot water down my cast. All the doctor did was give me more painkillers. I think they were Tylenol 3s. My brother ended up taking them. So everyone was surprised to see how gross my leg was. The first time they seen anything like it. But it was the best day of my entire life. Imagine someone coming out of the dessert and finally getting to drink some water. Then times that by a 1000 and you get how good I felt. After five fucking months I could touch my own leg. Awesome.

Do you ever wake up from a night of hard drinking and see all of these bruises and scrapes that you have no idea how it happened? Like when we were camping and I rammed my face right into a tree. Let me retrace my steps. This is where I thought I could jump over the fence.

I actually have a phobia of fishing near other fishermen. I’m always worried I’d get a hook in my eye or getting one of those triple hooks stuck in my palm.

Anyway I learned a lot about pain from my psychology courses. For example do you notice that some parts of your body are way more sensitive then others. I find a hang nail hurts more than a scrape on your knee. We also heard of stories about people who can’t feel pain and how fucked up they get as a result. They can feel touch but not pain. You think that’s good but isn’t. You don’t realize you’re hurting yourself. One person actually bit off her own tongue.

And old people are always hurting themselves. I fallen and I can’t get up! Imagine how it would feel to be afraid to answer the door without breaking your other hip. Do you think they will have exoskeleton hips eventually? Anyway when I’m older I going to complain about my arthritis and hopefully get some medical marijuana. Unless of course they already legalized it.

Medieval Ass Rammers

A problem with gay people is that people tend to lump them into one big category when really every individual is different. For example I think Neal Patrick Harris is one cool guy. I love him in the White Castle movie or on How I Met Your Mother. Then you get Richard off of Survivor. Nobody wants to see you naked. Funny he went to jail over tax evasion. I don’t know if he likes it or not. And what do you think about people in jail that have sex with other dudes. Is it kind of a grey area. I’m sure they wouldn’t outside of jail. I wouldn’t..

I don’t think people choose to be gay or straight. I never decided that from now on I like boobs. In fact if I was a chick I’d be a huge lesbian. Because chicks are so hot.

What I hate is all of those fags on gay pride parades. They make themselves look even worse and it’s detrimental to their cause. I mean there are giant fucking penis floats that shoot out sperm. I use the word fags for these fags because that’s what they are, fags. It’s disgusting. Us heterosexuals don’t have straight pride parades with chicks in bondage or giant condoms.

The allusive hot lesbians. Everyone says they love lesbians but what percentages of them don’t look like Rosio O Donald. Eww.

I don’t even like watching porno. Seeing some other dude’s dick doesn’t do it for me. I rather see chicks making out with each other or playing around with their tits.

You see all of these signs like Aids Cure Fags or God Hates Fags. Funny I never seen a passage in the bible that clearly stipulates that God hates homos. All there is some obscure reference about not laying with another man that could be interpreted numerous ways. I don’t know why they hate homos? I’m one of those whatever they do in their homes is fine with me.

What I do hate about fags is when they hit on other guys. I was at a party and pretty drunk. This fag says something like you look good. I was stunned, I didn’t know if he was joking or not. So I said uh you’re so silly. I was being sarcastic and then he started rubbing my hand. I was like what the fuck you faggot. It was so uncomfortable. I had to use bleach on my hands.

I think everyone knows that I can be a huge metro. Obviously I’m handsome. I love shopping and buying clothes. But I like to look good, for the ladies. I watch dramas and the odd chick flick. And I get manicures. Wait scratch that.

How would you feel if you’re son was gay? Sure I’d still love him, but I would definitely be disappointed. I would lay playboy magazines around the house. Are you sure you want to be a hairstylist? How about a construction job?

If you’re a guy, what is the least amount of money it would take to have sex with another man? I mean everyone has a price even Bill Gates or Aaron. First I think I rather take it than give it. I don’t know if I could ever come if I was sticking my dick in some guy’s ass no matter how imaginative I could get. Okay, you’re doing Jennifer Love Hewitt doggy style. If nobody found out, and if the homo looked like a chick, I would do it for $50000. Sure it would dramatize you forever but that’s lot of Big Macs. I think I’d had to do a lot of hookers after that to feel a little better. If people knew about it, than it would take $200000. I mean you’re friends would never let that down.

Do You Speak Any English?

I was once intelligent. People are like what ever happened? I used to make great speeches and could speak in front of the entire school without forgetting a word. I was part of the drama club too. Everyone knew I had to play the goofy radio DJ character, King Kenny Cool. Now I have stage fright every time I ask the teacher if I can go the bathroom. I don't know can you? May I go the bathroom?

I can’t even order a fucking hamburger from Harvey’s without confusing the lutter. I mean I going through drive thru and waiting in a long lineup and I actually recite my order before I get to the speaker box. Can I have an original cheese burger with ketchup, mustard, mayo, lettuce, onion and two pickles on the side, vanilla milk shake and onion rings and some napkins? Then once I’m up I’m like uh hamburger with cheese, hmmm, with cheese and uh ketchup uh mustard, uh sour cream, I mean mayo, and, uh how much are onion rings, okay umm large onion rings, uh….

I could also write a damn good book report. For my grade 7 book report I did it on my favorite book the Hobbit. It was so good; I used the pretty much the same book report in grade 9 and grade 11. My imagination of the Lord of the Rings was much better than the movies. For example I pictured Gollum as more like Yoda fellow.

Now I can’t even spell a sentence without spelling something wrong. And sometimes spell check has no fucking clue what I mean. Like the word Halleluiah! (I know what you’re thinking Stix). It’s like charades with my computer (I thought it was sherades). And sometimes it says my Canadian spelling is wrong. Or even names that you should have been known are wrong like Obama. In fact I think one quarter of my words are underlined. Such as quarter. I also miss all of my grammatical (got it the first time!) errors because I read it how it is suppose to be written.

Before spell check I’d ask my mom, a walking dictionary. And she’s like look it up. Which used to take forever before I could just simply type it in my computer dictionary. It’s a catch 22. I can’t look it up to find how it’s spelled because I don’t know how it’s spelled in order to look it up. Like confluent; does it start with a k? Or I can’t even think of the right word. Even common words, like what’s the thing you use to open a can?

And I always wonder how they invent a new word? I mean they had to at one point in time. Fellow dictionarians the new word of the day is lutter. A type of waitress at a fast food restaurant. For example Joe ordered 50 Mc Nuggets from the lutter. And the lutter spit on his Nuggets.

I always wished I could speak a second language. But not French, our second national language. I rather learn Japanese and watch anime without the sub text or help make and translate a Squaresoft RPG. And it be cool to talk to someone else without other people understanding us. Like how those Chinese waiters make fun of the fat guy in Mandarin. I know for sure every time I get stoned and go the Chinese buffet they are making fun of me right in front of my face. That scruffy looking pothead used his fingers to eat the egg roll. Hahaha. Slob.

But how do you think in your head? Do you ever mix up the languages? That’s why I’m against French immersion. Unless you work in the government, sell wine, want to visit Paris or woo your lover with sweet words, why would you need it? I much rather be very good at English than be okay at both. I would also like to speak in ewok. Come on spell check you should know what an ewok is. Fiche-moi la paix! That’s Fuck you in French. You’ll need it whenever you’re in Francis.

And come on freedom fries?

Fucking Crazy Toons

Looney Toons was groundbreaking. Back in the day the word looney would be like the phrase fucking crazy toons for today. The only other classic cartoons I liked were Mickey Mouse and the gang. There others were stupid and not funny at all. I could watch them stoned and not crack a smile. I mean I laugh at green fire hydrants when I’m stoned. Ha green.

Beep beep. The lovable Road Runner is my favorite character. I always wonder where he is going all of the time. Where is this place? The Grand Canyon? I didn’t realize these birds used roads. I mean you would think it get smoked by a car. On the news a mother with her three children have hit the Road Runner. They children are instantly killed and the mother is in critical condition. The road runner is paralyzed from the neck down and will never run again. The police have put up road runner crossing signs, but they keep getting stolen by teenagers. Meanwhile with the Runner half dead, Wile E Coyote doesn’t know what to do now. He tried to suffocate the Runner in the hospital with an Acne pillow but fell out the window into a gorge. He’s writing his memoirs.

Where does he buy his inventions from Acne? They never work. Look I want to return this bear trap. I didn’t go off when that damn bird took the bait. But when I stepped on it took my fucking foot off.  How about getting a microwave and some microwave chicken. I mean everyone knows that road runner tastes just like chicken. Or a sniper rifle. Or even better a fucking nuke that would kill any road runner within a ten km radius. I don’t even think he has life insurance. You fall off the cliff every damn week, more than once. His medical bills must have racked up 10 million dollars. He should move to Canada where we have free medicare

Drugs Bunny is the main character. Two of his mortal enemies are Sam the Tennessee redneck and the wetard Elmer Fudd. Bugs is a complete cross dresser. Let say he disguise himself as a hot chick for Sam. I hope he gets the rabbit to his place to make sweet love. Then he finds out Bugs has a wig and a penis. That’s bad for both of them. Then there is Elmer Fudd who looks just like Porky Pig wearing camouflage. It’s be cool if he was after Bug’s lady friend. Wun wun bitch. And blows away her head. And you should hear him laugh when he’s stoned. Huh hu hu this is some good weed.

I hate Tweety Bird and that kangaroo. I always wished Sylvester would finally eat him or her. He would just swallow her whole and let his stomach acid eat her away. Maybe if Granny wasn’t so senile she’d feed the cat. And he wouldn’t have to starve or plot his next stupid scheme. I thought I saw a poison dart? I did see a poison dart …. And give him some catnip, he’s strung out. Then there is the guard dog who tries to kill him. But nothing is wrong with that. Sylvester the genius always think that kangaroo is a fucking mouse. And whatever his name is, kicks the shit out him and all Sylvester sees are tweety birds. And tries to eat them.

Porky is the incoherent pig. I never liked him. Imagine how hard it would be for a waiter to take his order. I..I.. wanntt want;. the ss.soup. He could be the smartest person but could never play jeopardy. Get speech lessons. He’s worst than an autistic dyslexic baby. To to to today junior.

Pepe is the French skunk stalker. He’s French because he doesn’t shower and stinks. He always tries to rape the poor cat. I heard she got restraining orders against him. I don’t know why he can’t tell the difference between a fellow skunk and a black cat. Maybe try using Axe deodorant and buy her catnip.

Daffy duck is the duck that looks like a priest. He’s got this horrible lisp. Suffering fucking succotash! Funny, Donald Duck is a fellow duck with speech impairment. Coincidence. How can he can’t even order pizza. Of course Elmer never goes after him.

Other characters include Taz, Speedy Gonzales and Marvin the Martian. Taz is the Tasmanian devil. He’s all fucked up on coke. He turns into tornados and destroys virtually anything in his path. And he eats like a champ and can eat more than Elephant with the munchies. Speeding Gonzales is the racist mouse that faster than even the Road Runner. Marvin the Martian is the alien that looks like some Roman guard. This is completely ridiculous. How would he breathe? He always tries to destroy the earth with his ray gun. But we love him. He isn’t even on the Ten Most Wanted list. Why does he want to destroy us. I don’t know.

That’s all fuckers.

Inspector Retard

Inspector Gadget was the complete dufus of a cop. Every episode was the same. All he does is fumble around and accidentally catches those too dofus henchmen. Who get out on bail each time. Penny is the one that actually solves the crimes. I think the dog Brain is more useful. I bet Brain can even use the toilet. And then Dr. Claw escapes in his airplane and yells I’ll get you next time Gadget!

Why does Chief Quimby hide in crash cans and always give him packages that are going to explode? You think both of them would learn by now. For fuck sakes Inspector stop throwing the explosive letter back at me. I already have third degree burns all over my chest and I lost my right thumb. Well Sarg stop giving me explosive letters. Touché. How important are these documents? You know it’s going to leak anyway. I think the Sarg should just save everyone’s time and just give it directly to Penny. And Gadget can be given an alone assignment to go track down some Columbian drug cartel.

How did Gadget come to get his gadgets? He’s too stupid to have created his own abilities. He can’t even tie his own shoes with out a plunger coming out of his arm. Did he have all of these gadgets when his was a kid? I think it’s the same way Wolverine got his powers. I bet they took out half his brain to make room for a clock radio.

Every time he needs something important he gets something entirely different. For example he’s gets thrown off a plane and needs his gadget helicopter thing that pops out of his head so doesn’t fall to his death. He goes go-go gadget helicopter and instead an anvil pops out his head. Wowsers, I going to fucking die!

Or there is a bomb and it’s up to Gadget to diffuse it. Okay, (very quietly) go-go gadget pliers. And then a blow torch comes out his finger and everyone dies of a horrible death. Wowsers!

What’s the point of the van that turns into a police car? Does he have to pick up Penny and her soccer teammates? And then give out speeding tickets. Or does he stake out in the van and then turn it into the cop car once he’s ready to apprehend the criminals in the act. Go-go gadget binoculars and his go-go gadget sirens turn on.

You never do see Dr.Claw. All you see is his hand and his ugly cat  Mittens. It would be so easy to kill him. I mean he can barely stay alive as it is. Tell him to say go-go gadget suicide time bomb. And he’s dangerous for other people around him. Like when he carves the Thanksgiving turkey. Go-go gadget carving knife. No not go-go gadget poisons gas.

He’s Penny’s father, so he must have gotten laid. How did he make sweet love? Okay honey go-go gadget boner. And then a hammer comes out of his package.

And then you have the whole learning is half the battle scene at the end. I’m inspector gadget and you shouldn’t piss on electric fences. I can do it because I’m complete retard cyborg freak.

Five Cent Gummi Bears

Five Cent Gummi Bears

Back in  the day cartoons were magical. Disney’s Gummi Bears were one of my favorites. It had one of the catchiest theme songs. How much do you remember?

Dashing and daring

Courageous and caring

Faithful and friendly

With stories to tell

All though the forest

They sing out in chorus

Marching along

As their song fills the air

Gummi bears

Bouncing here and there and everywhere

High adventure that’s beyong compare

They are the Gummi bears

Magic and mystery

Are part of their history

Along with the secret

Gummiberry juice

Their legend is growing

They take pride in knowing

They’ll fight for what’s right

In whatever they do

Gummi bears

Bouncing here and there and everywhere

High adventure that’s beyond compare

They are the gummi bears

They are the gummi bears

For the younger audience, the show follows a family of talking gummi bears that live in a tree called Gummi Glen. Pretty much everything starts or ends with the word gummi. In fact it makes a great drinking game. Every time you hear gummi you take a shot. Of course I usually drink even when it’s not my turn.

It’s set in medieval times. With knights, castles and ogres and the likes. The bears are the last of their kind and must hide from the humans. A few good persons know their secret. Duke Signund Igthorn is the main evil villain with his army of giant ogres. My favorite is Toadie the smallest ogre and the brains. I wish I could keep him.

Of course there is the secret of gummi berry juice. Which is pretty much crack for talking bears. They grow it on gummi trees. When they drink it they are bouncing off the walls. Literally. Some of the slang terms are gulping the gummi, flying the berry and getting juiced. The cool part is that it is virtually undetected by conventional drug tests. In fact that’s how Lance Armstrong pulled it off. Some of the side effects include extreme paranoia, dilated pupils and intense euphoria.. It’s extremely addictive and withdrawals include cold sweats and extreme thirst.

I don’t understand the relations of the family. Grammi has to be the grandma and is Zummi the father? I don’t know. And what’s with their nammis?

Zummi is the gummi wizard who holds the gummi medallion to read his gummi spell book. I think he has gummi Alzheimer’s because he’s clumsy and keeps fucking up his spells.

Grammi looks and sounds just like Mama Fratelli off of the Goonies. She’s the ugly house wife of the family. I’m sure they keep her around because she’s a damn good cook and can make some damn good gummi pie.

Tummi is obviously is the fat gummi bear that likes his pie. He’s that fat and funny party animal that everyone knows. But I wouldn’t want to run into him. If you ever do run into a gummi bear just freeze. They are more afraid of you than you’re afraid of them.. Try offering him a gummi pie.

Sunni is the little girl and promising dyke. With her name and hair it’s hard to know if she is a boy or a girl. She’s useless.

Gruffi is the one who’s always the pissed off for what ever reason. I think it’s because he’s so horny he turned mean. You have ugly Grammi and the underage boy girl. And maybe Cubbi. I’d put my money on him if he fought Grumpy the dwarf. He’s the handy bear.

And Cubbi is the youngest one with dreams of becoming a great gummi knight. He’s seeks adventure beyond compare. And he’s pink. Nobody is going to be afraid of a fucking pink bear. Gummi fag.

Learning is Half the Battle!

Lego was my favorite toy, because you could build anything. I loved Castle Lego and anything with wheels. Micro machines were fun too. And I loved GIJOES. Yo Joe!.

I loved watching them, playing with them and my dad loved buying them. I think the cartoon much like Transformers or Heman were like a huge commercial meant to get kids to buy them. That’s where the money is. Notice Cobra Commander’s voice is done by the same guy who did Star Scream. I wasn’t so into Transformers or Heman. It think I sold my Heman figures at a garage sale for a dime each. My cousin a huge collector would probably have a heart attack if he found out.

We used to have all of the original characters, vehicles and both bases. I had all three Cobra Commanders. Some of course got damaged. My brother and I used to use all of the spare parts to create our own new guys. For example, I would choose Destros head, Road Block’s chest, Duke’s arms, Zartan’s legs and Sergeant Slaughter’s sexy ass. Then they made everyone and every thing neon. You know in case they are going to a rave. Some names were Captain Ecstasy, Blow Away and Ted. However we are missing most of our collection, my mom probably threw them out or gave it so unfortunate kid.

I loved the cartoon. It’s an 80s classic. You could tell by their gay mustaches. They’re the Real American heroes. Where’s Canada? I mean we’re allies. Make at least one. It could be a Mounty called Canadian Bacon for all I care. I think it would be hilarious if they created a Hussein and Osama character. Every time I would think they’d finally got Cobra Commander. But he gets away. Cobra Retreat! For fuck sakes troops you stopped the nukes headed to Chemical Valley, but you just let him escape. Where are the double agents?

My favorite characters were Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. I always have them fight each other to the death. And made light saber sounds. Vrrmm, vrvmm. Ever notice there are way more good guys than terrorist? Here are some rememberable ones.

Sergeant Slaughter was actually a wrestler in real life. He’s kind of the like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. And the Joes would beat the shit out of the fat guy with pillow bags of soap.

There are a couple of Joes specially dressed to fight in the snow. You know in case Cobra is attacking Eskimos and are creating a huge laser gun designed to create a hole in the ozone layer.... They include Iceberg, Frostbite and Blow Job, I mean Snow Job. So when ever they the Joes are fighting deep in Cambodia jungle they stand out… just a bit. And they can’t take their clothes off. Its summer I’m hot!

There are a couple of sailors too. I think the creators designed them as one big gay joke. Especially Gung Ho. How homoerotic, why would a kid buy a sailor action figure armed with a mop and raging boner.

Mainframe was the computer hacker of the day. He used to hack into Cobra’s mainframe and find out their next ridiculous plot. Now he’s one the of the douches who hack into Youtube or porn sites and spread viruses just because he can.

Most of the bad guys are all wear these tidy suites and helmets. Like who wants an operator or Cobra janitor? You would think they’d be Panama militia or Afghanis.

The twins Michael and Corey actually had different voice actors. I think they didn’t have the technology to have them speak at the same time. What a waste, why would you want the same fucking character. The only way you could tell them apart is by there useless shoulder pads.

Remember the Dreadnoks. They were the white trash of action figures. Zandar (nice fucking name) was literally a red neck because he could get a tan on his neck and body. Zarana was the dyke. I think they were all related and imbred.

Then there is Mindbender. He’s a hypnotist that tries to get people to stop smoking. Nice monocle and whiskers. Fag.

And Destro was a badass. The whole time I was watching the GIJOEs live action movie I wanted to see Destro. And I thought the Russian chick has hot. The actually gave her a nice rack. Lady Jane was made for all three girl fans. She should be wearing a dress, preparing supper and cleaning the other real soldier’s guns. I’m joking.

Where are the disabled Joes? My favorite one would be Hot Wheels with his wheel chair as vehicle. The helicopter and vehicles would have to be specifically designed so he can get in and out. And you can’t bend his legs. And of course there is Corky with a hockey helmet, real drool and a short bus as his vehicle.

Smurfs the Gay Little Blue Things

They’re coming out with a Smurf movie. Is this a good or bad thing? I hope it doesn’t bomb and taint the Smurfs just like they did to the Flint Stones.

I loved the Smurfs. I even got bed sheets of them. (And also Return of the Jedi sheets) Whoever created the Smurfs must have been on shrooms. So we have these blue gnomes that live in shroom huts. Gragamel is the evil fuct that keeps trying to kill them all for no apparent reason.

Where are the female smurfs? Is Smurfette the only one? They would fuck the shit out of her. Her vag would be completely ruined. She would have all kinds of Smurf STDs. I guess that means there’s a lot of smurf ass pounding going on in the showers. Would it be gay?

Jokey Smurf always gives bombs inside presents. Well thank you Jokey, you blew my fucking hands off! Brainy Smurf is the annoying book worm that everyone hates. I’m sure everybody knows someone like him. Like those dorks on Jeopardy. Clumsy Smurf is the is actually Drunk Smurf but it got changed because the target audience doesn’t know anything about alcoholic smurfs. Papa smurf is the only smurf that wears red shorts and matching hat, has a beard and can buy booze and cigarettes for Clumsy Smurf.

I would make more smurfs. Like Homo Smurf, Junky Smurf, Redneck Smurf, Anorexic Smurf (she would be another smurf chick to bang) Insane Smurf, Paraplegic Smurf and of course Down Syndrome Smurf

So the whole time Garagamel and his ugly cat are trying to find the allusive Smurf village. I would have loved to see him finally find it. He would torch the mushroom huts with Baby Smurf still inside. And just step on and crunch them like a common bug.

Duck Tales

As a kid I loved cartoons. And still do. I much rather see them hand drawn instead of this whole computer animation movement. How stupid would South Park be if it was computer generated? Some of my favourites cartoons were Duck Tales, Smurfs, Gummy Bears, G.I.Joes, Looney Toons. I’m going to write something about each.

Duck Tales were awesome. I love how they go on these adventures. It’s much like Tomb Raider but only good and a cartoon. My favorites are the pilot and the one where they go on that odyssey quest.

What was with their names? Take Scrooge, I think he first appeared in the whole Disney Christmas Carroll, as of course Scrooge McDuck. And Donald the retard named the triples Dewey, Heuy and Lewis and the news. So they all wear different colored cloths so people could tell them apart. I bet they get made fun every day at school. It’s almost as bad as calling them Moses or Apple.

So where is the deadbeat dad Donald in all of this. I guess it’s kind of like I Am Sam. He was too retarded, mumbling and incoherent to raise them. And the mom duck must have been some hooker duck that didn’t have enough for duck abortion. Poor hooker duck I guess that would hurt. Wait, ducks lay eggs. This doesn’t add up. I’m pretty sure the triplets would rather live with their rich and exciting uncle.

I’m pretty sure Scrooge is Jewish duck. He’s a lot like Scar Face, always paranoid about his money. He should get ADT and some guard ducks to patrol his property. How come he doesn’t break his neck when dives and swims around a fucking pile of gold coins? Piles of $100 bills would have been much more realistic. Why doesn’t he spend it while he was he is still alive. Imagine he lost all of his fortune to Enron? I bet he would dive into his empty vault.

Some other funny characters were Launch Pad, Gizmo Duck and the Beagles. Launch Pad of course was the retarded drunk pilot that keeps cheating death when he crashes. I mean is Scrooge too cheap to get a decent pilot that doesn’t destroy his helicopter every time they have to fly somewhere. The insurance agency wouldn’t even cover him. Gizmo duck is the cartoon equivalent of Robo Cop. I love Red. Like almost of all of the characters is he’s a bubbling retard. But not so bad as Jar Jar the Fuct. And of course the Beagles who always fail to rob Scrooge. I like the episode where they rob a bank, take hostages and execute one of them in the head every 20 minutes until they get a billion dollars and safe passage to the Swiss.

Octum’s Razor

Octum’s Razor says that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

Take an elderly couple that bicker a lot. Gramps is losing his hearing. The simplest explanation is he’s old and his inner ear is simply deteriorating. And maybe because he jerks off to Golden Girls with the subwoofer really loud. Another is that his wife is the queen of harpies and he is losing his hearing because he can’t psychologically take it anymore. And another theory is that he took the Lord’s name in vain and God is punishing him. What option would you choose?

My mom was watching an Egypt show on television and how they could have built the pyramid and other feats. Octum’s Razor would say they something like it took a lot of slaves and a lot time. They were much smarter than people have taken them for. So they would have used pullies, wheels, ropes and such. The show however believes that they couldn’t have done it without outside help. Yes aliens, that makes much more sense. And my mom isn’t sure what to believe. And I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Kind of like in high school when we had a hypnotist and I was the only one who thought it was complete shit. (I might make a blog about that).

Again I use the Raz all of the time when I’m discussing religion. How did the Universe begin? Scientist (or most) believe in the Big Bang theory. Ha what a good show, I love Sheldon. Sure they still don’t know all of the details but there is much evidence proving it so. Or theologians believe that the Big Bang is silly and solves nothing. Therefore there must a God that created the Universe. And it took a week.. Hmm… than who created God? So now you have way more explaining and questions unanswered. Which explanation do you believe? Of course I think that religion is complete bullshit. Buy the book Blind Faith, it comes out 2013.

Back To The Present.

You know how old movies always predict the future to be way more advanced than it really is? Take Space Oddity 2001. In the movie we have space ships and thinking computers. Well its way past 2001 and we still don’t live in outer space. But our computers and electronics are a million times smaller. Speaking on which what an awesome movie, especially at the beginning when the apes find that black monolith. It’s one of those films that you have to see just to say you saw it. There are a million pop culture references. A very trippy movie that even more trippy on weeeed. That’s how I feel about Back to the Future II. My favourite part was when you see the future and those hovering cars. Well it’s almost 2015 and where are my damn hovering cars!

I always wanted a Dellorean from the movies. It’s the Royal Royce of cars. I love everything about it like the color or the how doors that open upwards. I mean no more hitting the other when you open the door, like I did before. I would definitely have a flux capacitor with the current date and projected date. I have yet to see one in person. But a long time ago I saw or what I thought was the Macho Man driving a Humvee while we were in Florida. And getting way way off topic, (I’m so random) I ran into Mr. Leah from Trailer Park Boys in the downtown Mc Donald’s. I didn’t want to bother him but this douche kept asking questions. I always see this Russian Dolph Lundren look-alike at the gym. He’s huge and his hair is cut just like in Rocky 4. And recently I saw this guy who looked just like Gimli off of the Lord of the Rings. I think he was going for that look. He was very short but really really bulky and had a huge beard. I wish I had a cell phone and take his picture.

Now where was I going with this? Hmm.. monkeys, Back to the Future, cars, Mr. Leah and oh yes time traveling. Where would you go? I would first visit the land of dinosaurs and become a king among ape men with my superior intellect. This is what I call a boom stick. And get some hot cavewoman action. I would also invent the razor. I mean how fun would that be. There wouldn’t be any jobs or taxes or anything. All you would do is eat, sleep, hunt and get some cavewoman poon. I would grow crops and crops of marijuana.

Then I would go to the land of the future. With my time traveling hovering car I could do what ever I wanted with no consequences because I could just go back in time and change it all. That’s what I didn’t get about Back to the Future II. The future would have changed any way so it really wouldn’t matter that your son goes to jail. I would play Mega Ultra Epic Nintendo where you are the game. And smoke some legal marijuana. Speaking of marijuana I would definitely go to Wood Stock, the greatest party ever. I would smoke a lot of weed and stay a while. Maybe I should shut about the weed. Yes Greg we get it. You like weed and Golden Girls.

Then I would visit myself when I would be in grade 6 and share all of my knowledge. Who are you? I’m Batman. No I’m you from the future. Now put down the devil sticks and listen very closely. Smoke weed and drink coffee. Buy nice clothes. Grow a mohawk. Don’t worry so much about school. Don’t take Media or Art at Western. And not be so intermeddled by other people. Of course I would make millions from the stock market. Everything on this new store Wal-Mart.

I think it would be impossible (or highly improbable) to travel through time. Especially backwards. I’ve heard of the hole worm holes but you couldn’t survive. I think. And going around the Earth at high speeds is nothing substantial. I do love paradoxes. My favorite one is going back in time to kill your own Granddad before he gets freaky with your Nana. You would never be born because your Granddad would be killed before your father is conceived. Get it.