Dumbo

When I have written well over 300 blogs, it’s hard to come up with of new ideas. I’m scraping the bottom of a barrel here. I’m taking suggestions so if you have a topic you want me to write about then leave me a comment.

So I’m thinking about what Disney Movies I haven’t made fun of and I find the movie Dumbo at the Goodwill. I haven’t seen it forever and it was only a loonie. The cashier gave me a look. Normally I’d tell her it’s for my nephew or I have a website where I make fun of cartoons. I decided to come clean and told her “yes it’s for me.” I thought it would make her at least smile, but no. So fuck her.

The movie Dumbo begins with this circus train travelling across Florida. The storks are bringing all of the circus animals their babies. I realize when little kids ask their parents where babies are from they say a stork brought them. It doesn’t really explain much because where do the storks get the babies in the first place? I guess it would be just a little inappropriate to show two elephants going at it and then giving birth in a kid’s movie. I mean giving birth to an elephant has got to hurt.

But kids can’t be that stupid when they clearly see animals, like turtles, lay eggs. Haven’t they seen animal documentaries? You never see any storks bring baby tigers in Africa. So the storks are pretty much dropping the babies like they are paratroopers. What happens if they miss and drop an animal like a baby gazelle in the lion train cart? Whoops.

But alas the stork delivering Dumbo to his mother, Jumbo, is late. I have no clue how a stork could possibly carry an elephant, but hey it’s only a movie. Dumbo finally arrives. The other elephants find him cute until he hiccups and they see his huge fucking ears. So they call him Dumbo. I still think he’s adorable. I myself have big ears. Dumbo never knew his father. I think the poachers killed him for his tusks.

Well some kids, like a kid also with big ears, are making fun of him. Jumbo doesn’t take too kindly and just freaks out when the kids start messing with him. She kicked some serious ass but is sent into solitary confinement. A mouse Tim sees this sad elephant and befriends Dumbo. And he scares the other elephants.

Tim whispers to the ring master in his sleep pretending to be his subconscious. He tells the man to have a stack of elephants with Dumbo on the top. Dumbo fucks up and they all fall and destroy the circus tent. The ringmaster decides to make him a clown. Clowns scare me. Afterwards the clowns are plotting their next feat and are drinking some booze.

Dumbo and Tim get totally hammered when they fall into the clowns liquor bucket. As a kid I never understood what alcohol was. Then they have some fucked up drunken hallucinations of elephants singing the elephant parade. This part gave me nightmares. I still find it fucked up.

Afterwards Dumbo and Tim wake up in a tree totally hangover. There are some black crows wondering how the fuck did they got up there. By the way all of the crows are classic black stereotypes. They say that maybe they flew up there and start singing this song I’ve seen everything when I see an elephant fly. Just how when I’ve seen the giant Canadian nickel in Sudbury I’ve seen everything.

Tim then gives Dumbo a magic feather that makes him fly. Hey doesn’t this sound like Super Mario and his feather that makes him fly? So the clowns make Dumbo jump from a high platform into some gook. Dumbo finally flies, without the feather, and kicks some ass. He makes sensational headlines, his mother is released and everything turns out dandy. And I noticed that Dumbo never talks. I guess he’s dumb. Dumb. Haha I’m hilarious.

 

My Fourth Top Ten Rap Songs

10. Swollen Members               Fuel Injected

9. Black Rob                            Like Whoa

8. D12                                     Fight Music

7. Nas                                      Hate Me Now

6. B.I.G                                    Hypnotize

5. Puff Daddy Faith Evens        I’ll Be Missing You

4. M.O.P.                                Ante Up

3. Alchemist ft. L.O.X.             Insomnia                                  

2. Eminem                                Hellbound

1. NWA                                  Straight Out Of Compton

Mallrats

In my hometown of Sarnia there are two malls. Back in the day there was the Eaton’s Mall, located in the heart of downtown. It has an underground parking lot just like in an X-Files episode. It has a huge bell that any hunchback would be proud of. There was an escalator that me and my brother would run against. But I was afraid of getting my shoe lace stuck in the edge.  And the best of all there is a water fountain.  I used to grab any coins near the edge. What would they do with the coins anyway? Maybe donate them to some orphanage?

However the Lambton Mall took all of the business. I remember in the hallway they had a line of like thirty bikes and as me and my brother were checking them out and I knocked one down. And I freak out as they were falling like dominos. But don’t worry only like six of them fell and we fled the scene.

So my city decided to renovate the Eaton’s Mall and call it the Bayside Mall. It was suppose to renewal the downtown. It didn’t. And now all of the stores are closed and the mall is empty. It’s pretty sad. As I said the Lambton Mall is where the action is. But malls are a dying breed. Now you have block stores and strip malls.

As a kid I hated buying clothes. “Greg I want you to see this nice yellow shorts that goes with this matching yellow top.” “Fine I want to go home.” I think I wore a lot of jogging pants with monster trucks on them and red shirts. At least I didn’t wear those shirts with wolves on them or wear gloves attached to the coat sleeves all year round. It’s funny that I’ve seen guys with angry bird T-shirts.

As I got older I started wearing a lot of Umbro clothes. If you don’t know, they are a soccer brand. I also had some No Fear shirts. I mean they put No Fear on anything, even socks and boxers. And there was a Canadian brand called Grub Wear. I had a couple of hats. But I would never wear those Big Johnson boner shirts.

As teenagers we would hang out at the mall because we had nothing better to do. Maybe to pick up chicks. And better yet would go with some chicks. Now my friends hate going to the mall with me because I take my time trying on clothes and I look at every single movie and video games there is. It’s almost like I collect these items. I pretty much own every good movie there is in existence. I have almost a full wardrobe with over 25 T-shirts. And I buy video games I haven’t started or even opened.

Just the other day I had reverse buyers remorse. That’s when you should have bought something and you didn’t. It has happened to me many times. So once I did buy a game and it turned out to be a piece of junk. So before I buy a movie or videogame I like to go home and look up reviews.

I was at Goodwill right before it closed and I saw the game Banjo Kazooie Nuts and Bolts for $3 for Xbox 360. That’s like they are giving it away. In the game you create your own vehicles and race them. But idiot me didn’t buy it. Right as I leave I realize I should have bought it. I get home and its gets like 8.3 of 10 review. I freak out and decide first thing the next morning I will go and buy it. I slept in that day and forgot all about it. When I came to, I ran to the store. It was sold.

I’m pissed off. For the next two days it was just eating at me. “Why oh why didn’t I buy it.” I mean I spend $3 on McDonalds all of the time. So now I became obsessed with my bad decision and tried buying it at the videogame store. They don’t have it. And when I asked if they will get it, he didn’t know.

Matthew Good Band

Matthew Good Band is one of my all-time favorite bands. They are a Canadian alternative rock band that broke out in the late 90s. Matthew Good has fresh vocals and impressive lyrics. And they have a dynamic sound.

Their top three albums are Underdogs, Beautiful Midnight and the Audio of Being. So trust me, go out and buy these CDs, download the following songs or watch them on Youtube.

Here are my top fifteen favorite Matthew Goodband songs:

15.       Man of Action

14.       Look Happy it’s the End of the World

13.       Anti Pop

12.       Strange Days

11.       Enjoy the Silence

10.       The Future is X Rated

9.         Indestructible

8.         Carmelina

7.         Hello Time Bomb

6.         Generation X-Wing

5.         Weapon

4.         Load Me Up

3.         Ray Gun

2.         Apparition

1.         Everything is Automatic

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Dude, do you remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I forget how the teenage turtles became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’ve tried pouring toxic chemicals on my hamster so I could have a Teenage Mutant Ninja Hamster. It just died and gave me cancer.

Why do they wear masks one might say? I mean its barely covering their face. I think the average person knows they are fucking giant turtles. Hmm, it’s some guy in a trench coat wearing a peculiar mask. “Wait, it’s one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Awesome I should take a picture for Youtube” I guess their masks help people distinguish them apart.

Michelangelo is everyone’s favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He wears the nifty orange mask and uses the nun chucks, my weapon of choice. And he says cowabunga a lot. Leonardo is the leader wearing the blue mask and uses the most dangerous weapon known to man, the sword. They never do show him chopping off limbs or decapitating villains. Raphael is the bad boy wearing the red masks and uses those um triple knife thingies, a good choice. And who can forget Donatello the smart turtle with the pole. I guess they ran out of colors for poor Donatello and he got stuck with purple. However neon colors are coming back and the kids are wearing purple shirts now.

Splinter is the karate master that mutated into a giant freak rat. No wonder they live in the sewers because if anyone saw him they would freak because he’s a fucking giant rat. But turtles are cute. I think April is the news reporter and friend of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She only wears a yellow rain coat and has the thing for Michelangelo.

Shredder is the evil villain with a triple platinum belt. I only have a tangerine belt. Why not just buy a gun? I don’t know. It would take a heavy shotgun to penetrate the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s thick shell though. Shredder is the leader of the Foot Clan that does petty crimes. You never see them robbing a bank or selling drugs or even using a gun. No they are old school criminals using their body as a weapon. Why join the Foot Clan? I guess it’s a cool thing to do, like smoking cigarettes.

Bebop and Rocksteady are the two goofs. I really wanted to see them in the movie, but no they couldn’t make costumes for them or include them in the script. This sucks because I wanted to see a giant hog and rhino.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live in the sewers of New York. Which is gross. Imagine the stench and shitty water. You think people would eventually come across their pad. They like going up to the city using the manholes. This isn’t a safe idea. I mean its New York for Christ’s sake. There would be traffic and could take out Leonardo’s fucking head.

They love their pizza. Especially Splinter because rats like cheese. I don’t know if that’s all they eat or what. It would be easier for them to make pizza pockets. Of course they love Pizza Hut pizza, a clever marketing ploy. I know I want to have what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles eat. I also love the Teenage Mutant Ninja van. I want to know who built it for them. And I forget, but where do they park the van anyway. They can’t possibly fit it in the sewers and the paparazzi must be after them wherever they go.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are teenagers and their hormones must be going crazy. Do they try to catch female turtles and dose them in toxins to create Teenage Mutant Housewife Turtles? Or do they like real women, like April.

I was never a huge fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. For one thing they have a million different versions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and only two Shredders, that fly dude and a foot soldier. You have these gimmick turtles like Hawaii Michelangelo or Karate Chop Leonardo with real karate chop action. How can you have a fight when all you have are turtles fighting other turtles?

So the cartoon has been going on for years and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles should be the Forties Mutant Ninja Turtles and Splinter must be dead. The Forties Mutant Ninja Turtles must be in a midlife crisis by now. Raphael has just purchased a new motorcycle and Michelangelo left New York to Hollywood to pursue an acting career.

Εliјаh the Annoying Visitor

Normally I like comments. I like when my friends comment even though they have trouble sometimes. There are two categories, spam and published. Some go directly to published and some go to spam. If they land in spam I decide to unspam it or delete it. And I have deleted some, including my friends by accident. And I want as many people to visit my blogpage.

One day I noticed a huge spike in my blog about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I assumed that maybe someone visited once or twice and told their friends. But it got to the point that it went from a few pageviews to fifty in a day. And I’m thinking some idiot must have kept leaving and entering. I thought it would be some stupid kid because why would you read it and then leave my site and read it again? They could have used what I call the “scroll down” thingy on the right side of the page.

Then I checked my mailbox to find over thirty comments within a day from a person named Elijah. And he kept commenting them on my old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles blog. I put two and two together, so this is all from some idiot Elijah.  He actually written them within a few hours. Look if you’re going to leave me a comment then think it over, write it on Word, edit it and then paste it on the comment box.  His were a mess and he probably wrote it directly on the comment box. And Elijah could have easily condensed it to maybe four comments.

I don’t mind people asking questions about webpage but I have already wrote a blog how to make a blog. I use blogger to make my blogs and they do all of the work. I’m not tech support or anything. My name of my blogpage is I Have Issues and not I Know Computers. In fact a while back I wrote a blog complaining about computers. So I’m sure there are websites that will answer those questions and not ones where I make fun of stuff.

When you’re thinking of writing a comment think it over. Is my comment funny, interesting or complementary. Does it relate to my blogs and not just random. Or the least, does it make any sense. So here are some comments from Elijah that I found in my spam box. I actually deleted some but here are the rest all written within minutes apart. Elijah’s comments are within the quotations and my analysis is afterwards.

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Um I thought that the home page button sends you to Google or whatever. Why would my page come up unless you made it your home page. So yes it would be redirecting to a completely different webpage. No I’m not going to have this checked. I don’t know what a weblog is but no I’m not going to visit a page named fisted vagina.

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No I got enough naked woman porn and I thought your website was “fisted vagina.”

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Howdy partner. If you want to make a link then go nuts. But I don’t think my page and your page are in the same niche because my site has nothing to do with fine-looking breasts. And I can find better free porn sites that won’t give me viruses.

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I don’t know what blog platform I use and I already wrote about making a webpage using blogger.com. So no I have no clue what Blog Engine or Drupal is. So you know better than me.

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I don’t need someone essentially assist to make several articles I would state. No this isn’t the very first time you frequented my website because I know it’s you Elijah.  I don’t have to be Sherlock to figure it out.

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You pretty much said the exact same thing a few minutes ago. And I thought you didn’t have a blog post.

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I rather you didn’t. And again our websites have nothing to do with each other and I doubt you have any visitors that look up girls in heels.

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That’s because I don’t have any pictures dipshit.

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You’re such a lair. You said you didn’t have a blogpage. No I never run into browser compatibility and I have no clue how to fix this problem. I’m sure you can find other sites that specialize in such problems and not from some guy that makes fun of shit.

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It’s just you. And it yes it would be your browser because it has happened before. And no for the last time I’m no going to visit your site, if there are actually is a site. Its starting to get annoying. So feel free to visit my site transvestite midget anal sexfest.

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You’re totally contradicting yourself. Why would my blogpage be on Yahoo News. And I have no idea what trying for a while but I never seem to get there means. Unless it means having sex.

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No. Again your such a liar because I’m sure your site Business office Secretary didn’t get hacked into and you didn’t lose all of your hard work. So yeah back it up numb nuts.

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I don’t take recommendations from a guy like you. But I realize that Norton hasn’t yet approve my site but I still get visitors.

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I don’t understand what you are talking about or what a CTD. And again, why are you asking me all of these damn computer problems?

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Your coder? Why are you asking me all of this random shit? Today I went to Subway and ordered a pizza sub but they were out of parmesan bread. So I asked her to get me oat bread. Then I picked everything on it. Do you think I should have onions because I used to like onions and then I don’t like them.

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Again you’re completely contradicting yourself. First you say you had a blogpage for a while and now you just started. My advice is you should just give up. I’m sure you think calling your webpage random shit like butt pic is hilarious but nobody else does.

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Some More Top Ten Rap Songs

10. The Streets                         Has It Come To This

9.  Ruff Ryders                         Anthem

8.  M.O.P                                Cold as Ice

7.  Chamillionaire                      Ridin’ Dirty

6.  Kyane West                        Power

5.  Beastie Boys                       Intergalactic

4.  Eminem                               Lose Yourself

3.  Notorious B.I.G.                 Juicy

2.  Run DMC                           It’s Tricky

1.  Classified                             Oh Canada

Barbie

When I was a little boy I was really into Lego, Micromachines and G.I.Joes. The cool thing about Lego is you can build whatever you want. In fact as a kid one of my dream jobs would be building Lego sets like castles, vehicles, spaceships or whatever I imagine.

I liked Micromachines. I had a map of a city and like fifty cars. I think I needed a beaverwagon, hearse, Fiero and cab to complete my collection. And G.I.Joes were awesome but I already wrote about them a long time ago.

But this blog is about girl toys. Many times girl toys are a pink version of boy toys. Such as a pink Gameboy called Gamegirl that comes with My Little Pony the Game. Personally I hate the color pink. And I don’t like purple either, although guys are now wearing purple shirts.

I never understood how fun girl’s toys could be. For one thing it seems that right off the bat these toys are rearing girls to making babies and doing household chores. I remember all of these stupid dolls, like a baby that pisses. That’s gross. I just hope they don’t make a baby doll that cries at three in the morning or that shits its pants. With real shit.

Barbie is the quintessential doll. She has pretty much every job there is. Like Astronaut Barbie, Marine Biologist Barbie, DEA Barbie and Anesthesiologist Barbie. But I think they need more realistic and blue collar jobs, like Housekeeping Barbie, Stripper Barbie, Gas Pump Attendant Barbie and Working Girl Barbie.

With her dimensions and huge tits, she wouldn’t be able to walk or even stand up. That’s gives girls impossible expectations of their bodies. You don’t need to have Plump Barbie or Fat Lazy Needs to Use a Wheelchair at Wal-Mart Barbie. But have more realistic proportions. And nipples.

Why can’t you just buy outfits instead of having like thirty naked Barbie dolls, three Ken dolls, two Token Black Barbie dolls and a Midget Barbie?

What do you do with Barbie anyway? “Today Realstate Agent Barbie is going shopping at the mall to buy a business suit and needs to pick up some hotdog buns and milk on the way back.” She drives a pink Cadillac. But its not very eco-friendly. She’s thinking of trading it in to get a pink Beamer. “Now Realstate Agent Barbie is going to buy some lingerie to look sexy for Ken.”

Then Barbie has her pink dream house. Only it’s missing an entire wall, a computer, and toilet. And what does a Barbie do anyway other than trying on clothes. And I think a pink house is a bit tacky. It really hurts the retail value of a house and the only people interested it are probably gay. So the makers wanted to appeal to the redneck girls. They made Trailer Trash Barbie’s pink trailer with Wife Beater Ken.

I swear to God that I have read somewhere that when they first made Barbie talk she says “will we ever have enough clothes? I love shopping! And wanna have a pizza party” That’s why there are so many damn ditzy girls around. You know the girls that laugh at anything remotely funny that a guy says. Maybe there should be some more realistic lines like “what’s the weather like today?” Or “the View is on T.V. in five minutes.”

They have even made Barbie video games. Normally guys play Call of Duty or GTA where you steal cars and shoot people. A Barbie game would be going to the mall getting points by finding clothes on sale at Old Navy. And flirting with virtual boys. I don’t even know if you can beat these games or what?

Then there is the easy bake oven. I think the easy bake oven is preparing girls to cook for their husbands. I don’t even know how well you can make cupcakes. Because I do love cupcakes. They should make an easy grill barbeque for boys. You get to wear a chef apron and have heat lamps to make real hamburgers. Just like McDonalds.

This Is Your Brain on Drugs

Here is a massive collaboration of older posts about drugs.

Do you ever see those gay fucking anti-drug commercials? Take the classic one with the egg on a frying pan. So you’re brain is an egg and when you break it on the frying pan that’s your brain on drugs. Hmm, every time I smoke a joint my brain doesn’t just explode and make a nice omelet.

They are made by people who never tried marijuana or other drugs. I’ll admit I don’t need to try heroine to know not to try it. But these ads against drugs don’t work, like how those smoking warnings on packs don’t work. I’ve seen a guy on a pack that breaths through a hole in his neck. And I’ve tried talking to a robot. But if you really want to drive the message home than be honest and impartial. Have a meth addict warn you about the dangers of drugs.

Look, drugs aren’t cool. Except green or the occasional hallucinogen like shrooms or acid. Meth is probably the worst drug there is. It’s made by household products and it stays in your system. Have you seen people on meth? I’ve seen this fucked up girl with no teeth on the bus. She was wearing slutty clothes and fish nets and her ass was hanging out. Eww. Soon they have these scabs and sagging faces. And you spend all night and day awake. But I’m sure it’s fun.

And pretty much any other drugs like crack or PCP aren’t too good either. Narcs, officers and anti-drug legislation don’t do much against the fight against drugs. But you know what; in Amsterdam all drugs are legal. Yet drugs aren’t rampant and out of a control. There are actually less drug users. They provide needles and other items for addicts. And the drugs are saver and cleaner. You won’t see too many kids cooking meth, sniffing glue or huffing gas.

Teenagers will always look for anything to get high. Such as doing the chocking game where they get high by cutting off oxygen to the brain. This is why pot should be legal. It’s much safer and healthy. Lords knows, the government doesn’t want to endanger these teens with pot.

Earlier my family was watching a show and the topic of marijuana came up. And my mom said one of the funniest things I heard. My mom said if weed were legal she “might” try it. I knew it. It was funny at first but it got me pissed off when I thought of it longer and is the basis of this blog.

My mom has insomnia and trouble sleeping. She has sleeping pills but they still don’t give her a full night’s rest and she is always tired. And I’m thinking that maybe if my mom tried weed it would help her relax and sleep. But my mom is stubborn about breaking the law. Just because some drug is legal, it doesn’t mean its right. And if some drug is illegal doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

However my mom disapproves my smoking “weed” for that very reason. By the way she’s hip and she calls it “weed.” I don’t sell it and I only buy drugs from a friend. I wouldn’t’ have to smoke behind the church if she would let my smoke in my room. She knows when I’m in Florida I don’t do anything. And I don’t miss or crave it. But it would be cool smoking a joint on a sunny day in the hot tub.

My mom was doing spring cleaning which meant she could use it as an excuse to snoop around and search my room and go through all of my stuff. Well she found some bags and one of my old pipes. I told her I use bags for non-drug related reasons and I haven’t used that pipe in years.

She asked if I have any of it in the house and I promised her there is nothing in the house. It’s actually in the garage.  In a Tupperware container. I find Tupperware keeps it fresher than in a bag. So I lied to her and told her I don’t touch that stuff anymore.

I hate how this is a free country and yet something as harmless as pot is illegal. I’m not talking about heroine here. And yet the two of the dumbest drugs, alcohol and tobacco, remain legal. I much rather be a pothead than an alcoholic any day. And I hate feeling like a criminal or bad person because I like to get high.

First let’s talk about cigarettes. They are one of the stupidest drugs there is. I have never tried nor will I ever try smoking. My brother smokes and he and his friends told me not to. But I wouldn’t anyway. I mean whoever doesn’t regret trying it. “I’m glad I tried smoking. What would life be without my cigarettes?”

They’re highly addictive, almost as addictive as heroine. I see kids at a high school smoking in rain or smoking when it’s freezing outside. It’s a social thing. Again I don’t know what it feels like or if you can get high from cigarettes.

They’re extremely harmful. There are actually over 200 chemicals in them. You have a much greater chance of getting cancer and other problems. This is why smoking isn’t cool when you’re dying of lung cancer. I have even seen nurses smoking when they should know better.

What I don’t get is why in this day and age kids start smoking in the first place? Perhaps instead of making commercials against drugs they should concentrate with anti-smoking commercials. Show what happens by smoking and have some people tell you why it’s so bad.

My mom has a friend who has smoked her whole life. And you can tell from her voice and wrinkled skim. First off she is on a fixed income and spends $50 a week on smokes. I’m serious, $50. She’s very religious and for whatever stupid reason she gave up meat for God. Fuck what vegetarians think, she needs meat for protein. She is wasting away. And me and my mom asked her to give up smokes for God but she needs them that badly.

A year ago she went to the hospital because she was coughing up blood. The doctor told her numerous times that her smoking is the cause and that blood vessels have broke. But she wanted more tests to be done and costs the hospital a ton of money. That’s a problem with free healthcare; people take advantage of it.

And just the other day she got her teeth removed and she now has dentures.  But you know what, cigarettes are legal and it’s your choice to do them. I couldn’t give a shit about other peoples’ health. Unless they’re on the lung transplant waiting list and are ahead of people who didn’t ruin their lungs by smoking. And with all of these people that have smoked their whole life, smokes will remain legal. And I think that should stay that way.

Then there is booze. I’m a huge beer drinker but alcohol is another stupid drug. Being drunk leads to all sorts of dumb behavior; especially drunk driving or having sex with the fat chick. But look at prohibition, crime actually went up and led to boot legging. People like drinking. And it’s physically addictive and you can even die from withdraws.

I myself am a huge caffeine fiend. I have always loved pop. Any flavor of pop. And I still do. It tastes great and if you drink four cans a night you can get wired. Now I have become a huge coffee nut. I tried coffee in my first year in college. I was trying to stay awake to study for an exam so I thought what the fuck I’ll try it. It tasted like shit but wow it gave me energy. I was hooked from that day on.

I spend almost every morning going to Tim Horton’s and getting a donut and an XL double, double. They know me now; in fact I’m sending their kids to college. If I do go every day, and with coffee being at $2 per cup, I’m spending well over $600 on coffee alone for a year.  And my mom says I could have just made instant coffee. But I tell her its part of the journey to Tim Horton’s. And then she buys half caffeinated coffee that pretty much defeats the purpose. Thanks mom I will now have to drink two cups.

Now I’ve become hooked on energy drinks. Fuck Redbull, I get my energy drinks for a dollar at Dollarama. Wow they keep you awake for hours. Hours that I spend playing video games and writing these very blogs.

My friends say I shouldn’t drink so many energy drinks or else I’m going to have a heart attack. I mean what are the regulations of energy drinks? Can they put as much caffeine and other chemicals as they want? But fuck it, I live fast and I die young. Who wants to be 80 anyway?

So it’s no surprise that I love my marijuana. It’s a miraculous drug that has so many health benefits. If I have to choose between beer or weed; I go with weed. It’s the only drug you need. I just realized I rhymed there. But why take other drugs like cocaine or morphine when you have weed? Unlike beer or smokes you don’t become physically addicted. Unless you’re a huge pothead you might need it to help you sleep.

The only addictive part is because it’s fun. Just like how World of Warcraft is addictive. I never get the shakes or withdraw when I’m not playing. “I wish I never tried WOW. I tried cold turkey but I can’t stand it. I’m weak. So I’m trying to wean myself off a few hours each day.”

So why does the government have to protect us against the scourge of marijuana? What’s the worse that could happen? Uh oh it makes people giggle, eat cookie dough and watch Pete’s Dragon over and over again. My God have mercy on their souls.

The only negative effects are that if you smoke too much it’s not good for your lungs or memory. I have never puked or get sick when I’m smoking weed alone. People say they get paranoid if they smoke too much, but I think that’s part of the fun. If I get too high I just fall asleep.

I have yet to see a pothead on the show Intervention. Making it illegal doesn’t prevent usage; people will find a way. It’s like supply and demand. Making it legal would eliminate the criminal behavior and free up the jails for real crimes. And the government would save money they spend on enforcing these laws against pot. They would actually turn a profit for distributing pot at a Weed Store. People thinks is bad because our government says it’s bad.

So for those who never experienced marijuana, I suggest you try it out. You won’t go crazy or anything. It feels good, time seems to slow down and it is trippy. Its like a temporary shift of the mind. On one hand being high makes you stupid but on the other hand it makes you creative and enlightened. I like listening to Radio Head when I’m high and looking at the stars.

Everything is funny. I laughed my ass off when I watched Bewitched. Then I watched it again sober and realized what a shitty movie that was. You get what’s called the munchies. That’s one of the reasons why I gained so much weight years ago by eating so much damn Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But when I’m high I don’t give a shit about my weight.

And the dumbest anti-weed argument is that it leads to other things. That’s not a good reason because then anything leads to anything. Its like saying drinking pop leads to drinking beer so you shouldn’t drink pop altogether. And I’m pretty sure every crackhead has tried weed first. So anyway go out and rent Half Baked and see all of the commotion about marijuana. Now I’m going to eat some pussy for pot money.

Please Don’t Leave Me Dumbass Comments

I love comments and everything but for fucks sake some idiot posted like thirty comments in an hour. The first five were nice until I realized it was all by the same retard and were completely incoherent. Whenever I get stupid fucking comments in my spam box I’m not going to bother to read them or unspam them. And no offense but I hate viruses and I’m not going to visit anyone’s site that I don’t know or if they leave their name as anonymous. Especially when they leave twenty different websites with such themes fisted vagina or naked women.

Much Music

Back when I was a kid in the 80s my dad drove a white Fiero. The very same car that Ferris Bueller’s sister drove. We still own it. It’s a plastic sports car that my dad wants $3000 for. I doubt he will ever sell it for that much. It has manual windows and a cassette player. Just the other day I was getting rid of all of this junk we have and I threw out his cassettes.

So as a kid I listened to whatever my dad listened to in the car. He liked a mix of 50s 60s, 70s, and 80s music. Such as the Beatles, AC/DC and Madonna. And our favorite band was the Beach Boys. I know all of their songs sound the same and are about uh beaches, but I like them. They’re very upbeat.

I like to listen to different types of music depending on what mood I’m in or what I’m doing. For example whenever I’m going to play some sports I like to listen to Rage Against the Machine to pump me up. It came in handy when I was wrestling in high school or before any hockey game. I’m not going to listen to Cold Play before any physical activity because it will make me sleepy.

If I’m high I like to listen to trippy bands like Pink Floyd. In college at night I used to smoke weed and just lay on my bed listening to Shine On You Crazy Diamond. I also played Shine and Sheep on the jukebox because they’re so long. And I played Wish You Were Here because it’s just an awesome song. The bartender turned it off, didn’t give me back my looney and told me not to play crappy music. Then she put on Sweet Caroline for the millionth time.

I’m sure every Pink Floyd fan knows about playing the album Dark Side of the Moon to the movie Wizard of Oz. What you do is play the CD the second time the lion roars and watch the Wizard of Oz without the sound. Everything is synchronized like when Dorothy is running, the song is describing her running. Or as soon as she arrives in Munchkin Land the munchkins start dancing to the song Money. And you hear the heart beat when the Tin Man gets one.

If I’m sad or lonely I like to listen to Radio Head. Sometimes I like to sit on the bench in the park at night and just cry. Really let it out. Like why I wasn’t I invited to the birthday party when everyone else was invited or why didn’t she love me? Or when I’m thinking of the girl I’m currently stalking, I like to listen to Creep. I’m joking because I’m man and men don’t cry. But not the stalking part.

If I’m in a good mood I like to listen to happy songs. The Salads song Today is Your Lucky Day is a perfect example. I like to smile and think happy thoughts. Goo Goo Dolls and Blink 182 are also very upbeat. And I love one hit wonders. But I’m not going to go out and buy a CD if I only want one or two songs. I’m not going to buy the Baha Men CD when all I want is Who Let the Dogs Out? Wait a sec.

If I’m feeling nostalgic about high school I like to listen to the hit music videos that I listened to when I was in high school. For example whenever I hear the band Six Pence the Richer, it takes me back when I was 16 and I was going to conquer the world. And staying at my parent’s house was okay.  

I remember every time I saw Britney Spears’ first few videos, when she was still smoking hot; I was like Britney is on again! And her tits got bigger? Some stupid but rememberable songs I liked were “You Steal My Sunshine”, that Abercrombie and Fitch song, “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit and anything by Eve 6.

When I’m in the club everyone likes to listen to pop music. I mean nobody is going to dance to Metallica. Girls don’t like heavy metal. And without girls that’s a pretty gay club. I admit when I’m in the club or home alone I like Katy Perry, Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga and the Black Eye Peas to name a few. And I’m confident enough to say I like those bands. “Whats this? He likes the Barenaked Ladies. That band isn’t cool. You need to listen to Slipknot to be cool. And really loud with the bass cranked up so people three blocks away can hear it.”

When I’m chilling with the guys in the backyard I like to listen to rap, grunge and classic rock music. I have an old Ipod hooked up to speakers with all my favorite songs. But I got my songs mixed up with my mom’s songs. So I’m drinking some beers with the guys and listening to Pearl Jam, and Tina Turner comes on. And my friend would be like we don’t judge you.

I love classical music in movies. Take the Lord of the Rings or Brave Heart. I love violins, drums, flutes and even cymbals. You’re not going to watch Star Wars to some hardcore punk music. It’s funny in elementary school we had string instruments for music class. I picked the cello because you get to sit down comfortably. And I have no music ability. But my two Asian friends, who actually play the violin, chose the cello. So just I faked it. But I was good at faking it.

I run and walk all of the time and everywhere. And a lot people see me all over the place.  So when I’m walking to the mall for instance I listen to a variety of music on my Ipod. Some of my favorite bands are Blink 182, Green Day, Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Matthew Goodband, Led Zeppelin, Radio Head, Iron Maiden and my all time favorite band AC/DC. And when I’m running I like to listen to techno like Daft Punk, Gorillaz or XTC. Or my friend Stics’ favorite, Sandstorm by Darude. What a good song for bowling.

And while I’m driving I like to listen to gansta rap to feel tough. I also listen to rap music when I’m in McDonalds around other kids just to piss everyone off. But gansta rap is a dying genre. Now its all like pop music and about hot women. And then there is all of these collaborations with other pop stars like Snoop Dog with Justin Bieber. I can’t feel tough listening to that. And Ice Cube lost all street cred.

I love concerts. It used to be that every summer my city of Sarnia would hold a massive concert called Bayfest that spanned several days. We have actually had Kiss, Motley Crue, Weezer and Areosmith play in my very home town during the rock weekend. They rocked but I was probably too wasted to even hear them. Well this year Bayfest is off for several reasons.

Bayfest made a lot of the money from food and beer vendors. You buy a ticket at the ticket stand and then use your ticket at the beer stand. My cousin realized that you could buy these tickets at any dollar store. So he did that next year. They had a great deal; buy one beer for $5 or five for $25. And you spill half your beer trying to get out. But I did get like twenty tickets for $5 from some drunk fat chick. I guess she wanted money for a hotdog.

I don’t like big crowds and bumping into people. And I don’t like old people asking to buy weed from me because I reeked of it. They kept saying I’m not a cop and told them I’m not a petty drug dealer. And I hate getting lost in the crowd even though I thought my friends were across the hotdog stand and beside the one tree. And they think it’s hilarious when they are looking right at me.

Then we have the country weekend. I couldn’t believe that so many people love country. For the most part I hate country music, line dancing and cowboys. There is a but. There are some country and quasi country videos on Much Music that I like. Such as Mumford and Sons: I Will Wait. I love the banjo. I also like Lady Antebellum: I Need You Now. And the odd Eagles song. If they’re considered country.

Finally here is my classic Bayfest story. I tell this story all of the time because it is hilarious. But me and Stics are the only ones who fully appreciate it. Back in the day at the concert you could leave and come back in only if you have a stamp and ticket.

This was when Stics used to smoke weed with me. We were already stoned and thought hey lets go out and smoke some more. Then outside the concert I check all of my pockets and I panic when I couldn’t find my ticket. Stics says to use this stub he found on the ground. So we get to the entrance and Stics goes in and I try to sneak in right behind him. And the bouncer stops me and says “wait one second,” and he checks my stamp. I get in and it was like out of a movie.

But my other friends say this is a stupid story because they only check the stamps. It doesn’t matter though. And to top it off, when we were driving home I dared myself to pick up this fat drunk native hitchhiker. She was wasted and we dropped her off in the middle of fucking nowhere. I hope she got back to the reserve and wasn’t raped.

Water World

I have always loved the kickass Mad Max trilogy. It stars a young and badass Mel Gibson that takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. Kevin Costner is also a great actor who starred in one of my favorites movies Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Don’t get it mixed with Robin Hood with Russell Crow. What an awful movie and disappointment that was.

Since Water World also takes place in a post-apocalyptic world I thought it would be awesome too. It wasn’t. I guess it was okay. The movie cost like $175 million but bombed and they ended up losing money. I guess Costner thought if we build it they’ll come.

                                 

The story goes that the polar caps and glaciers have melted from global warming and now all land is underwater. And the survivors are searching for a place called Dry Land. Costner is a mutant with gills and web feet so he can swim underwater for long periods of time. He is also a total spaz and he has a terrible comb over.

Costner has an awesome boat that I bet cost a few million dollars. He is pretty much just sailing aimlessly. And every so often he comes across other sailors. Costner has a shitty little tomato plant that some douche steals while he is underwater grabbing dirt. The problem I have with this movie is that nobody could survive this long on water. How ironic, it’s called Water World but people don’t have any water to drink.

What I don’t get is why don’t these people just go fishing? All you have to do is use a rod and catch fish and then use part of those fish you catch as lures to catch more fish. There would have to be fish because later on Costner uses himself as live bait and he is eaten by this mutant whale. He miraculously blows up the whale from inside and escapes with without a scratch.

Eventually Costner makes his way to this huge floating compound that I bet cost millions of dollars. He wants to sell some dirt and shit in exchange for items at the store. The clerk is Helen, who is a hotty, and her young daughter is Enola, the chick from Napoleon Dynamite. Helen and Enola were supposed to go on this hot air balloon with their old geezer friend but he leaves without them by accident.

Enola has this stupid tattoo on her back. Apparently it shows the direction to Dry Land. I wonder who exactly would tattoo a little girl. They must have already known about Dry Land to begin with, so why leave? And they could have just written down the map.

And the tattoo is a circle with an arrow pointing up to some mountains and also some Chinese letters. I don’t know how you could use an arrow pointing up in a world of water to find directions. It might have made more sense if they had coordinates of the stars to guide the way or something.

By the way I was pretty stoned when I watched it, so I forget some details. And I have already returned the movie. So for some forgotten reason Costner is locked up in a cage for some crime. It just so happens that these bad guys called Smokers are attacking the fort for some reason. I don’t know why because they used up oil, skidoos and lives for nothing really. Dennis Hooper, the captain of the Smokers, loses his eye in explosion. A funny scene is where they make a fake eye that looks ridiculous.

Helen frees Costner in exchange to letting them escape on his boat. I wonder if he named his boat. If I had to choose, I’d call my boat the Drgonautical! So Enola has found some crayons and was drawing. The funniest part is when Costner finds out and just throws her overboard.

And she can’t swim. Hmm, right. You live on a world of water and you can’t fucking swim? That’s just poor parenting on Helen’s part? You’d think she would teach her, you know it might come in handy. So Helen dives in to rescue her and Costner hesitates. But he’s not that much of an asshole and lets them back on.

Hooper and the Smokers are also trying to find Dry Land. They live on a huge freighter and have thousands of men to row the ship. And I’m thinking why would they need so many people when food is so sparse. But they have a shitload of Chef Boyardee and endless amount of cigarettes.

Hooper finally captures Enola but nobody knows how to read a map with an arrow pointing up. Enola knows Costner is going to rescue her. Her best line is “he doesn't have a name so Death can't find him!” So Costner cuts through hundreds of men like margarine and saves Enola. And then he drops a flare down the oil tank and everything explodes. That must be a few million dollars right there.

So the gang escape and run into the old guy in the hot air balloon. They use the map with an arrow pointing up and arrive on Dry Land. A very cool scene. Everyone is excited because they have everything they need to enjoy life. And Costner has the hotty Helen as a girlfriend.

But he doesn’t want to stay. Homo. I guess since he’s part fish he likes it on the open sea. Maybe he’s searching for a mutant fish girlfriend. The left an open-ending. Maybe they should make a Water World sequel and spend a billion dollars! Haha.