Honey Boo Boo Child

Honey Doo Doo Child

There is no denying that looks are huge in our society. After all we base so much on what we see. For example the first thing we say about a baby is how cute he or she is. Even if they are not cute at all. You never say a baby looks homely or looks like they are going to very smart. “You’re baby may not have the looks but I see a future accountant!”

I remember in the elementary school dance nobody would dance with Becky because she was fat and ugly. And I think she had a crush on me. All the girls kept saying someone dance with Becky someone dance with Becky. In retrospect I should have danced with her to score points with the hotter girls. I wonder where she is now.

Speaking of crushes I remember this ultra anorexic chick liked me. She was so damn skinny, even by anorexic standards. But not just that, I didn’t like anything about her. One thing is she would say the stupidest shit. That’s coming from someone who says the stupidest shit all of the time. She would eat a half a tic tac and walk miles home. I think her friends should seriously have had an intervention or something.

So pencil neck asked me out for prom and I said “okay.” Afterwards I was like holy shit what the fuck did I got myself into. I’m asking my friends on what should I do. Should I be obnoxious on purpose or say that I was going to ask someone else? And later on I find out Kevin set me up and told her to ask me out for the prom. Thanks Kevin. So I just told her I didn’t want to go and I don’t like dancing. Which is true.

So that fucked my prom. I guess I should have gone with her. I mean what’s the worse that could happen? All I am doing is dancing with her. It’s not like we are dating her or anything. She ended up going with this ultra dork loser and was complaining that she could do better. But I think she got the last laugh because my dad knows her dad and my dad told me she is a doctor. And I live in my parent’s basement. Hmm.

Anyway I’m sure everyone has heard of Honey Boo Boo Child. Her real name is Alana which surprisingly doesn’t sound white trash. Her show is a spin off of a child beauty pageant show Toddler and Tiaras. I hate beauty pageants, but I hate child beauty pageants even more so. I mean what kind of sick perverts rates a young child on their looks? And what is this teaching these young impressionable girls?

I have yet to see the actual pageant but I’m wondering how they judge the girls. First off do they give points for answering thought provoking questions? I don’t know what they would say other than wishing for world peace, saving the rainforest or getting the show O.C. back on the air. And do they have a talent portion? I don’t even know kind of talent a five year old could possibly do other than singing that over the rainbow song? “Here today Amy is going to do skip it, Erin is going to do tricks with devil sticks and little Tammy is going to sing the Ghostbusters theme song.”

 Honey Boo Boo Child isn’t even cute and her appearance seems to be getting worse. For one thing her mom looks like a football player in drag. You know what’s going to happen when you’re mom is a fat beasts. She’s only six and already she’s getting chubby. And then there is her juice. It’s a concoction of Mountain Dew and energy drink. Yea that’s real healthy. Wait a sec; I’m also hooked on energy drinks.

The funny thing is that the show is on the Learning Channel. Yes TLC. I have no clue why this would be considered educational at all. What’s next? The life of porn star Jenna Jameson in “I’m a Hoar?” But the ratings are huge. Anyway I found this clip on You Tube about Miss Teen South Carolina 2007. It’s called “Uhhh what did she just say?” Hilarious, she made no sense at all.

I Have Issues 5251 Anniversary

Booya! I hit my 5000 pageviews mark baby! And after more than two years I have written almost 300 blogs. As part of the celebration I will finally reveal if I actually do like the Golden Girls.

It all began almost a decade ago when I was in college. All of my friends had blog pages. So I wrote my own blog “re-tarded.blogspot.ca” and my movie blog page “retardreveiw.ca” Why? Because I’m slightly retarded. I was reading it over again and I’m thinking what the Hell was I writing?

Eventually my friends stop blogging and I just gave up. It’s still there on the web for some reason and I don’t know why or where they would store it. You’d think whoever would delete it or something after a decade. I made a lot of blogs about religion because it’s so easy to make fun of. And there are some decent ones that I edited and posted on I Have Issues. You can always read my old blogs and check the archive for a few laughs.

My grammar is horrible. You have no idea how dependant I am on my spell check. Sometimes my grammar is so off that spell check has no idea what word I want or does googling. Then I ask my mom. “Mom how do you spell gratuitous?” “Look it up in the dictionary.” “How do I look it up if I don’t know the word?” I also started to add quotation marks so you know who’s talking to who.

Years later I finally got facebook and had about 150 friends. Well I got lonely and needed an outlet. I started with these short posts but people don’t like to know how my day went, how drunk I got or how cool it would be to have a freeze ray gun as an arm.

I started to write more posts and longer posts. I had so much to say but there was a limit of about 450 characters that I can use. So I decide to use two comment boxes to fit it all in. Then I went from three, four and eventually seven comment boxes to fit a topic. As a result I lost like a hundred friends. I mean people are on the phone checking facebook and they have to scroll down several paragraphs about me playing World of Warcraft, finding this awesome axe and talking about how annoying these noobs are.

Only the best of friends, or people who never use facebook, didn’t delete me. I still wrote facebook comments about stupid things that sounded funny at the time and lost some more friends. For example I said I was so excited about my new top of the line $1500 desktop computer that I’m getting for Christmas with a 27 inch monitor and some games. But people were not as excited as I was. Well I promise not to do that anymore unless I see something incredible like meeting the Macho Man at KFC.

So my friend Stics recommended getting a new blog page and boom the birth of “I Have Issues.” Finally I have the opportunity to say what I want and how much I want because it’s my blogpage bitch. The first 50 pages were easy to write. But when you have over 200 blogs it gets hard to think of new things to write about.

Stics also recommended adding links to facebook. I did and a couple of good friends from Canada started reading it and that was the only advertising I used. However for whatever reason, maybe my quality of posts, I have hardly any viewers from Canada lately. Come on you guys.

Now my biggest audience is from the States with over 2525 page views. I also have a fan base from Russia, United Kingdom, France and Germany. Even from countries I don’t know such as Bahrain. I have no clue how so many people around the world have found my site.

I think my blog page’s popularity comes from word of mouth. For example there were huge spikes of activity from Russia. I’m thinking it happened in a college dorm, office or somewhere, where people are like “you have to see this site.”  I would expect much more viewers if Norton approved my site and say that it is safe. Don’t worry I can’t even begin to know how to spread viruses?

My site also doesn’t have any ads or dirty pictures. So don’t expect any. Way back I was making fun of gay people; but not in a mean way. I called my blog Medieval Ass Rammers and got a ton of homos searching for it when I looked up my stats.

Then I wrote a really fucking stupid blog about centaurs. It’s creepy that homos searched for gay centaur expecting Photoshop pics and got my page. I deleted that post.

One problem with my page is that I write something funny as the title and not necessarily what I am writing about. For example I wrote a blog about laziness and for some reason I called it I Love Grass because I like to cut the grass. I also wrote a blog about Loony Toons I called Fucking Crazy Toons. There are several more like this.

Two of my better blogs are about the comic book hero squads the X-Men and the Fantastic Four.  I thought it would be funny if I called the title the XXX-Men and Fantastic Foursome. But it sounds kind of gay and people don’t know what to expect. 

There is the Octum’s razor blog. Octum’s razor means the simplest explanation is usually the right one. I spelled it wrong; it was supposed to be Occam’s razor or Ockham’s razor. But other people also spelled it wrong too and if you search Octum’s razor my site comes up.

I have a comment box. But for some reason only so many people seem to be able to use it. My friend Lisa makes the most comments. Thanks Lisa. I would like to hear from other people. So if you have something to say about my blog don’t be shy. If you want me to make fun of a movie or something than leave a comment and I will give it a shot. Don’t worry; I have made fun of a lot of stupid topics like the Charmin commercials called Bears Taking a Shit, Captain Planet or nursery rhymes.

I’m a pothead and I like to talk about getting wasted all of the time. But I won’t let my parents to read this. My mom is hardcore anti drug because it’s bad for you, and more importantly illegal. I don’t like feeling like a criminal because I like to get high. If my dad finds I still smoke than there goes my allowance because he would think I’m spending it on drugs. However I did let my favourite aunt read it. She liked the Eleventh Commandments.

Aaron and Lisa are probably my biggest fans. Some of my fan favorites are “I like to Ride My Bike,” “Inspector Gadget” (under Inspector Retard), “Jurassic Park” “Bad Commercials” “Genesis”, “Nicholas Cage” and “Cow Boys and Native Americans.” Check them out.

My first real blog is called Get to Know Greg, where I list 26 things about me. Such as that I say sorry all of the time that it has lost all meaning. Or how much I love to eat Big Macs. And that I’m huge caffeine fiend. I have also written about my county Canada and my hometown Sarnia. I have recurring characters such as little Timmy, movies such as Snow Dogs and shows such as the Golden Girls.

Yeeah! 5000 pageviews kicks ass! I have become obsessed over how many people click on my page. While I’m jogging or biking I like to think of new ideas. I actually spend more time editing than writing the rough draft. After almost 280 blogs it has been become harder and harder to think of fresh topics. That’s why I need your help. But if I get my own domain webpage I think more people will visit. I’d call it “greger.com”

And no I don’t watch the Golden Girls. I liked it as kid but I didn’t know what sex was at the time. And now that I do I think its really gross that these old ladies having all of this sex. Especially Blanche Devereaux because she’s a dirty hoar.

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Rudolph the red nose reindeer is a story about a freak that saved Christmas that will go down in history. The narrator is some snowman that looks like the KFC cornel. I mean he’s wearing clothes when he is made of snow and is carrying an umbrella in the middle of the winter. You know in case it ever rains in the North Pole.

When Rudolph was born he was such a disappointment to his father. So his father Blizen tried covering his nose. By the way I’m not sure what female reindeers do because Santa is sexist and only male reindeers fly his sled. I guess the women are there to cook and make babies.

Rudy sees this hotty reindeer Clarice and its love at first sight. And then the reindeer coach cock blocked him. Well the nose cover fell off and all of the reindeer laughed at him. Kids can be so cruel. And they didn’t let him play any reindeer games. What do reindeer play anyway? Because they don’t have hands and can’t play Nintendo. I guess they play freeze tag or hopscotch. So Rudolph becomes an outcast and decides to run away.

Rudolph meets another outcast, the gay elf Hermey. He doesn’t like making toys and wants to become a dentist. Well better get packing and head to a city where you can learn how to become a dentist. All he has is the book dentistry for dummies. You wouldn’t want some amateur performing a root canal on you. So together they are headed nowhere. Cue a really bad song with four lyrics repeated over and over again.

Soon they become aware of this giant wampa and Hermey shits his pants. After some more terrible songs they run into Yukon Cornelius who is miner after silver and gold. Normally your sled dogs are huskies. No he has all of these shitty little dogs too small to move the sledge and are probably freezing to death.

Yukon likes to yell a lot in the fucking mountains. Great idea dipshit have you ever head of avalanches or the wampa? And he keeps licking his freezing pick axe. Hey your tongue will get stuck on freezing metal. Don’t believe me, try it yourself.

Soon they run into the terrible wampa. But it is scared of water and the gang managed to float away on a piece of ice headed to nowhere. Maybe to their death. Haha but Rudolph can’t die, or else that’s one shitty Christmas story. Haha.

Well they land on the island of Misfits Toys. How convenient. They are introduced by a creepy Charlie in the Box. Honestly what a disturbing toy. He says no kid wants him because of his name. Hey change your name to Jack, its not that difficult. The real reason is he is because he’s boring or I personally find him scary. Do they actually still make them anymore? I mean in Canada?

There are slew of other retard toys like a plane that can’t fly a train with square tires and a Tickle Me Elmo that can’t laugh. But this one doll seems perfectly fine. I couldn’t figure out what her problem is. I bet my Mouse Trap game that never actually works is there. And then the gang meet the king of the island; which was a flying lion that has nothing to do with Christmas.

Rudolph returns home, now with antlers. He finds out that his parents and his lady friend went out searching for him. He’s leaving and the head elf tells him he will freeze and his tunton will die. And Rudy tells him he will see you in Hell! The gang finds them at the wampa’s cave and kicked its ass.

I’m not sure what went down but they befriend the wampa. And when they return to the head office with the giant wampa it scares the shit out of the little elves. And what kind of gifts are these elves making anyway? Seriously they were making these cheap wooden boats and wooden trains.

Finally the best day of the year has arrived and everyone is super psyched. But alas there is a terrible storm that Santa can’t make his way through. Santa proclaims Christmas is cancelled and to get him a glass of Scotch!

I find that a little offensive to all the hardcore Christians saying Christmas is cancelled when the real meaning of Christmas to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and to be with your family. Not! Haha did you think I was serious? Haha. But no Christmas is about presents. So why not just wait a day or two until the storm subsides and then hand out the presents? It’s no biggy; I can wait a few days for World of Warcraft Mists of Pandaria

Then Santa notices Rudy’s bright glowing nose and eureka; Rudy can lead the way. Yeah!  So they’re off and Santa brings along the misfit toys. Instead of landing on rooftops and going down the chimneys like he is supposed to do, he just hands the toys an umbrella so they can magically fall into the rights homes. So many kids are like what the fuck! What kind of stupid gift is this? They all wanted the lasted Nintendo U and not a creepy talking Charlie in the box.

Santa Is Real 101

Kids are stupid and part of the fun of having kids is making up shit like Santa Clause. Here is a guide for all of you parents to teach you how to lie to your kids about Santa and to get your stories straight with other parents.

First explain who Santa is. Santa was actually a saint of something. Maybe the patron saint of gifts or some shit. I don’t know. He lives in the North Pole with his wife and slave elves. If you’re good he brings you toys, video games and mittens.

At first kids love seeing Santa in the mall and telling him what they want for Christmas. As kids get older they always ask why there is a Santa in each mall or why in Detroit Santa is black? Tell them they are Santa’s helpers because he’s a busy guy.  And if they ask why are these helpers look exactly like Santa, just say I don’t know?

He has a list of all of the kids in the world. Now your kid might ask how he can possibly have a list of every kid on a long piece of paper. He has an Ipad now and satellite technology to monitor all the kids. Which seems creepy and invasive when you think about it. I mean he sees you when you’re sleeping. Who is he? God?

If the kids are good they get presents! If kids are naughty Santa brings them coal or Deal or No Deal on the DS. Now your kid might ask why some other kids get a Nintendo U while they asked for one and end up getting Sega Saturn instead. Tell them the elves were getting rid of extra inventory and were too busy to make enough Nintendo Us. Tell them there are hardly any games for it anyway and they might as well wait a year.

Your kid might also ask why people in the ghetto or Africa get hardly anything, if anything. And why are there donations for poor kids when Santa could easily just give them toys. Hahaha just say because they are all naughty. Hahaha.

His sweatshop elves make all of the toys. Now your kid might ask why the toys or the Nintendo 3DS say made in China. This is tricky, so just threaten them if they want any toys or not. They might also ask why they sell toys at Toys R Us when you can just get toys from Santa for free. Just tell them that Santa has a toy budget and people needs jobs, even at a toy store

The most absurd lie is how Santa can fly around the world in one night to deliver toys to everyone. But children can be retarded. Tell them that the reindeer can fly at mach three and Santa has a magical device that slows down time. I call it Santa’s Stopwatch. They might ask how he can fit all of the toys in one bag because a bike takes up a shitload of room. Well he has a magical bag to fit how many presents he wants.

If you have a chimney that for God’s sake turn if off. One time Santa got third degree burns over 78% of his body and more importantly he was unable to deliver my Zelda game. And what about people who don’t have chimneys? Tell the kids you leave the door unlocked and chimneys are useless. If you live in an apartment then have a volunteer to let Santa in.

Your kid might be wondering how long Santa lives for or even his reindeer for that matter. They all live forever, even though Nick has diabetes from all of those half eaten cookies. He prefers oreo and likes to eat the center. As for milk he likes doing Jagermeister bombs instead. Hey Santa likes to party!

If you can dress up as Santa for your kids then goes nuts. But unless you have a good costume then have someone else do it. As a child I realized immediately that my grandfather was disguised at Santa. Then I told my much younger cousin. If not tell the kids they have to stay in your bedroom until dawn or else he won’t show up. As a kid I was pissed that I couldn’t see him and I wasn’t allowed to sleep under the tree. But I would do anything for toys.

Anyway can you name all of the thirteen reindeer? Well it’s changed because due to equality rights some of the male reindeer have been replaced. You know Dasher and Dancer, and Paula and Vixen, Bertha and Cupid and Donna and Blitzen (awesome name ) but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But Santa no longer needs him anymore with the invention of GPSs and high beam headlights. They keep him around sort of like a mascot. And Dasher broke his legs and Santa had to shoot him.

So tell me when do you find out that Santa isn’t real. I think I was in grade three when I finally put the pieces together I honestly didn’t care. I was more concerned about the presents and not some weird fat old bearded man that sees you when you sleep.

                                        

Happy Birthday Jesus!

As you all know we celebrate Jebus’s birthday that just so happens to coincide on Christmas. He was born some time around B.C. almost 2000 years ago. The story goes that there is a census in going on in Israel and Mary and Joseph must travel to Bethlehem. There are now signs in Bethlehem saying “Birthplace of Your Savior.”

So Mary is a virgin and has never been touched by a man. Umm what exactly does that mean? Is a kiss or a back rub touching? Or does it have to be at least third base? So she got knocked up by God. And God is pretty much a deadbeat dad. I mean does he ever visit or phone his son, play catch and buy him nice robes and Nike flip flops?

Hell no. And she’s supposed to be a virgin afterwards. Hmm but God is in a form of a man and had sex with her. You’re not a virgin anymore. What else to you expect? Did God jerk off in a cup or did he have a sperm laser gun to impregnate her?

My question is when did, if they did, Mary and Joseph get married? Because Mary was still a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. If they were married wouldn’t Joseph make sweet love to her on their honeymoon?

Anyway I hope Joseph took tall of this well. “Hey Joe, I heard Mary is pregnant. Is it yours or is Mary just a huge slut?” “No it’s God’s only son.” “Right. And are you getting any action at all?” “No, she thinks having God’s only son is enough. And the church is against birth control or condoms. She did give me head one time though.”

Mary and Joe were too poor to afford a Holiday Inn room or any other affordable but quality motels because of course it’s Christmas. Well Joseph you know it’s the holiday season and how else will you get a room if you haven’t booked one..

I mean they must have known that Mary is due any moment. So they ended up giving birth to Jesus in a barn. I believe they used a baby name hand book and landed with Jesus Christ. They were also thinking of Ted. I have heard the baby Jesus was so cute. “Mary he has your eyes.” “And he has the good Lord’s smile.”  

So some angel appears to some shepherds and tells them to rejoice for the baby Jesus and to show up to the this awesome barn party. They were told that there is cake and punch. The three wise men also see some angel and are told to show up at the same kickass party. But how did they wise men find them? They didn’t use a map or GPS. No they used the stars. Looking for Jesus would literally be looking for a nail in a hay stack.

I’m glad they found Jesus and not some other baby in a barn. That could really fuck up our salvation. So the three wise men brought gold, mere and Frankenstein. It was suppose to be four wise men but one got lost and couldn’t find any gift suitable for God’s only son in the mall.

He put a spinning top on layaway but changed his mind after he hears Joseph already built one out of wood. In retrospect he could have just got Jesus a gift certificate at Old Navy. You’re always going to buy stuff at Old Navy. They have something for everyone. Amazing technicolor dream coats are buy one get one half price.

I wonder what Mary and Joe did with these gifts. I think Joe pawned the gold at the pawn shop for a wood chipper and saw because after all he’s a carpenter. I mean what would a baby do with gold or whatever is mere anyway? Did they go to the Bank of Bethlehem and setup a young savings account? Because I think all the baby Jesus would rather want is a pacifier and camel stuffed animal. So remember Jesus is the reason for the season.

Urkel and Family Matters

Thank God It’s Friday. That means its Family Matters! The show began many years ago as a middle class family living in the Chicago suburbs. The character Urkel was later added and soon stole the spotlight. It might as well have been called the Urkel Show.

The cast include the father Carl Winslow who is a fatass cop. He was also a fatass cop in the movie Die Hard. They don’t really tell how his day went. You never hear about any heroine bust, high speed chases, armed robberies or even shooting a suspect in the head. I’m sure he just works at the office behind a desk being fat and all.

Harriet Winslow is the typical mother but she isn’t really funny. Normally in sitcoms the mother is hot while it doesn’t matter how the father looks. Not in this case. I assume she is a homemaker but I wonder how they can make enough money to support themselves on a cop’s salary. She must be a good cook because Carl is such a fatass.

Laura is the hot chick that Urkel is obsessed with. It’s almost like Urkel is some kind of stalker. Look Laura for once and for all just tell Steve straight up that you don’t like him as boyfriend and never will.  If this continues get a restraining order.

Eddie is the oldest son that still lives with his parents. Haha loser! Normally the older brother looks after his sister and her boyfriends. But he doesn’t do anything. At least tell Urkel to stop this fixation of his or you will fuck him up.

His friend Waldo is the token dumbass. Imagine if he was in one of those Where’s Waldo books. I guess everyone would have to be black or else it would be pretty easy to find him. Still black people look all the same. I’m joking.

There is also aunt Rachel and her son Richie. Their father is dead. How nice. Aunt Rachel has been in and out of the show while Richie has stayed with the Winslow’s. That’s pretty inconsiderate of her just leaving her son like that. Richie might ask where his father is and Rachel would tell him that’s why she’s going to happy hour.

Then there is the younger daughter Judy that magically disappeared without any explanation. It was like she was never there. I wonder how they told her she’s not needed anymore. Did the producers just break it to her gently and explain that she isn’t funny and it’s a bitch to include her in the script?

There is also the granny the creature. She’s dead now.

And then there is everyone’s favorite dork Steve Urkel. His famous line is “did I do that?” For example; in his piece of shit car he might smoke Richie, break his neck and say did I do that? Yes Urkel you incompetent fuck, you did do that. You never really see his family nor do you hear him getting the shit kicked out of by bullies. And again throughout the show he tries to rape Laura. And then there is Urkel’s cool alter ego Stephan Urkal.

I wonder how all of these family members can fit in one small house? You see the house at the credits and there’s no way. Let’s think. Obviously Carl and Harriet will share a room. I’m hoping the old hag gets her own room because old people smell. Laura must have her own room or else that’s just creepy. You got Eddie’s room where he jerks off. And then you’re left with Rachael and Richie. I just hope Rachael doesn’t bring in any strange men home. And that’s just the bedrooms.

There must be a kitchen big enough for everyone to eat at. Again Carl is a fatass. You see the living room in the show. I’m hoping they have at least two televisions. There is no way everyone can share one T.V. Harriet might be watching the View while Laura wants to watch Glee or whatever the fuck teenage girls watch. And there is no way in Hell they can all share one bathroom. I mean Laura will be taking a shower and doing her makeup while Carl has to take a huge shit.

Eventually the show jumped the shark with all of these preposterous Urkel antics and was cancelled. I wonder where they are now? I have never seen any of these actors in anything significant after the show was done for. But I know it must be a bitch for the actor behind Urkel. I hope after years of his high pitch voice he didn’t fuck up his vocal cords. I’m sure his now typecast and called Urkel everywhere he goes.

Teen Wolf

Teen Wolf is a classic 80s movie that I loved as a kid. Michael J. Fox stars as some loser teenager that becomes a werewolf. Apparently werewolves run in the family. They don’t mention what happened to his mom. I’m guessing she got hit by truck or something.

I’m hoping the werewolf gene is from his father’s side. Because a female werewolf would be totally gross. I have seen older women with mustaches, chin hair and or leg hair that looks so very wrong. Imagine a full body hairy woman. They would go through Venus razors and hot wax like crazy.

His father never really tells Fox about werewolves. He hoped it would skip a generation. I guess he rather let Fox find out for himself. What I don’t get is why the father never turned into a wolf before Fox finally finds out? You would think the dad would get angry one day or slip and turn into a werewolf.

His dad works at his hardware store. This was long before Wal-Mart crushed the competition. Fox admits he doesn’t want to end up working at the store. Sorry dad.

It has the classic 80s movie formula. Fox is the underdog that becomes infamous when he turns into a werewolf. His basketball team reeks until he gets angry and transforms into the “wolf.” However I don’t think Fox actually plays basketball as the wolf. His basketball double is noticeably bigger and stronger and there is no way Fox could dunk or even play that well.

Boof is the typical girl next door. I hope Boof is her nickname because it’s a horrible, horrible name. Microsoft Word has never even heard of it. However Fox is crazy for Pamela; the typical hot blond that doesn’t acknowledge him until he becomes the wolf. Boof says he could do better. I think she’s wrong; Pam is way hotter than Boof. But Boof puts up with all of Fox’s shit.

Mick is what I call the classic 80s jealous boyfriend. He plays on the opposing basketball team and tells Fox to stay away from his bitch. And Stiles is the cool friend and promoter behind the wolf. He even turns his van into the wolf mobile. And then there is the fat basketball player with the arm. I forget his name but it’s something that has to do with being fat.

So the story goes that Stiles tries to buy a keg from the liquor store for this huge party. He is unsuccessful. He tried the whole ya I’m getting a keg for me and my work friends. But when Fox tries to buy a keg his eyes turn red and he growls. I liked when Stiles surfs on the fan to the party.

They get there and find out there are like ten kegs. But nobody is really drinking, they are just holding onto their cups. What a waste of booze. I would be doing keg stands. It reminds me of my friend Irv’s bachelor party where we had a keg for about a dozen people. But everyone drank their own beer and I’m thinking why not drink the keg first and if it runs out then you can drink your own beer. I don’t remember what my buddy Kev did with it but that’s alcohol abuse.

So they are playing basketball when he turns into a fucking werewolf. And everyone is like holy shit this dude is a fucking werewolf. Stiles likes to call him an animal! The wolf can even smell Stiles stash. My question is would you want to be a werewolf? It would have its perks. You could hear everyone and ease drop on their conversations.

Like any 80s movie there is the part where things are going good and the music is all upbeat. I like when he does some break dancing with the token black guy. The wolf becomes the star but eventually his team gets pissed off because he becomes a hog. As in sports and not the animal.

In the final match Fox tells his team that he’s not playing as the wolf but as himself. Spoiler alert. They win and Fox and fatass are carried away as star players. Fox finally hooks up with Boof and rejects Pam. And then Pam rejects Mick. That’s’ karma. The final music is very catchy.

This reminds me of the classic basketball match between my high school St. Christopher’s and our nemesis St. Pats. I swear to God it was just like out of a movie. I should have been there, but my friend Stics recorded it. My school was down two points and our star player Hane threw the ball from our end at the last second. Guess what, he scored a three pointer and we win. Fucking crazy eh.

Then they made Teen Wolf 2. Instead of playing basketball the wolf boxes. It stared the same cast except for Fox and Stiles. I guess they wanted Fox back but he turned it down. Good move because it’s such an awful movie. Now with Fox being older I think they should make Senior Wolf. Where Fox is a senile werewolf that plays shuffle board for his old age home.

2012 Florida Trip

I’m back!

 

So for the past four weeks I have been living it up in sunny Florida with my fellow retirees. As you may know I am a reverse retiree. Which means I will enjoy my younger years and I will get a job when I’m 50 years old. The problem is I couldn’t find a computer and haven’t been able to check my mail or Facebook. Well my dad found someone else’s WiFi and we have stealing it ever since. I hope they don’t mind.

 

This year me and my parents got a condo in a community that is built around a golf course. It’s definitely very upscale compared to our other place. For example there are no pets allowed at all. This means there are no annoying yippy dogs. You have to wear a shirt at all times so you don’t see old men’s wrinkly chest and or back hair. But everyone was so nice and would wave or say hello.

 

The ride there was fun. We took my dads SUV and we had loads of room. I should have brought more things like my laptop or more underwear. So we were crossing the Bluewater Bridge and we get to the custody guy. He says hello and everything and then he answers a call. He was on the phone for like ten minutes and I was freaking out. I thought he was going to search us for sure and we would have to unpack and repack everything. We were fine.

 

I brought a portable DVD playa and some movies. I was watching all of my South Park episodes and my mom was like “what kind of filth are you watching?” I love looking at all of the signs; especially the evangelist ones. However I’m a huge backseat driver. I would ask my dad to watch out or leave more room behind the car. He replied that he has never been in an accident while I have and to look out the window. Fair enough.

 

So we finally arrive but the television wasn’t working according the owner and there was no DVD playa. We called Comcast and wasted three days waiting for the guy. He shows up and says you have to point the remote at the box. And that was it. Sorry.

 

By the third day I thought I knew my way around. I thought if I ever get lost I would look for the water fountain, club house or my dad’s SUV. I tell my parents I’m off for a walk to get my Big Mac fix. I left at seven and boom it got dark quick and I’m fucking lost. Everything looked different at night. By ten I’m freaking out. I didn’t have a phone number or a map. All I knew was the address. I finally stop an old people’s car for directions and they told me I was in the wrong park. They even dropped me off. I told my folks I was at the billiards room. Thank the good Lord.

 

On the fifth day we spot a huge alligator we called Ally on the other side of the river from our place. And people are just golfing away and even taking pictures. Next week I’m in the livonia and I see Ally twenty feet away. All that is protecting me is some shitty screen doors and windows. My dad took a picture.  And in the news we heard of this lonely guy that tackled an alligator to save his dog. Apparently his dog is his best friend. Dude its much easier just to get a new dog and new best friend. We also spotted a bald eagle that wasn’t bald.

 

The cool thing about the place is that there is a nearby bar with cheap drinks. It was a ten minute walk from out place. I would talk to all of the fellow retirees and heard some funny tales. For the most part the bartenders were nice and or hot. There was this chubby one with the biggest boobs I have ever seen in person.

 

They even had happy hour between three and six. So for the past three weeks I have been at the bar for happy hour and have been tipping very generously. So I leave my place just before three. I should have remembered my watch was fast because my mom sets all of our clocks fast so she is never late. So I ask for the usual and to get my bill. I look at it and she charged me full price. And I’m like isn’t it happy hour between three and six. And she actually said its not three yet, it is 2:55. And I quote “you should have walked slower.” What kind of crazy bitch does this? Any normal person would either give me the discount or tell me to wait five minutes. Goodbye tip.

 

The fishing was awesome. At first I tried the pond at my uncle’s place on three separate occasions and used an assortment of bait. Nothing. Worse yet, I was just fishing there and then I felt all of these bites. I looked down and I’m standing on a massive fire ant anthill. I got a of ton of bites on my feet. Haha the only bites I got were from insects. Haha I’m hilarious.

 

So my dad paid some fisherman to take us salt water fishing in the channel. I cast and boom I catch a fish right away. This guy was like a tour guide and tells us all of these interesting facts and stories. We even saw dolphins swimming with us. He did all of the hard work. He even made his own bobber that makes a sound that attracts fish when you tug on it.  The weather was perfect, it was early, cloudy and no waves. Me and my dad must have caught twenty fish each. Including a funny looking flounder. We ended up with a bucket of fish that the restaurant cooked for us. Delish.

 

Naturally we played a lot golf.  All I ever need is a driver, a putter, a wedge and a five iron. I found best of ball much more fun and less stressful. I got some cheap balls that I couldn’t give a shit if I lose. My dad on the other hand spends like ten minutes looking for his exoskeleton balls. We were also weary of Ally or his friends the whole time.

 

I spent a lot of time at my favorite aunt and uncle’s trailer park. I mean community. We went to dinner all of the time. One night we met up with my mom’s cousin. His wife had the worst name; Georgegina. It was uncanny; she looked identical to Mrs. Chokesondick from South Park. My aunt Marge is awesome. We are both atheist in a family of hardcore Christians. We argued with my uncle Bob about things like evolution, fossils and how impossible Noah’s arc would be. We couldn’t change his mind the slightness.

 

I totally love the hot tub they have there. I could spend hours just sitting their and chatting with the fellow retirees. One time there was these older guys. They were both crazy looking Vietnam veterans. So buddy looks around and then talks about all of the gooks he has killed. I don’t know if this was true or not but he claimed to make an eyeball necklace. He said they are much tougher than you would expect. What a crazy fuck. But I’m well rested after a needed vacation and ready to return to what I normally do. Which is pretty much playing video games, watching T.V. and smoking weed.

Be Back With New Blogs In Two Weeks

I finally got the internet and I bought a new mouse because I can’t use the damn square touch thingy. I’m having a blast in Florida. I have been golfing, fishing, eating a lot of food, playing poker and ping pong and even more if you can believe that. I will write a blog about all of my adventures when I get back home.

Halloween

Trick Or Treaty

I love Halloween because I love candy! Especially free candy. As a kid I was hardcore, I actually had a route that I planed weeks ahead of time. I planned which neighborhoods to hit and when. For example you hit the most popular and dense areas first before they run out of candy and then hit the richer houses last. They usually have way too much candy left and give quite a treat.

When my friends are all tucked out I hit the same houses again. I liked to start early around five when all of the little kids start. I preferred to go with only one or two friends because I was quicker on feet. I was actually pissed off one year because everyone was messing around and having a good time and not moving fast enough. I was like come on guys stop messing around! Do you want candy or don’t you? I would also run to each door so the candy giver would be ready for my slow moving friends. And I used pillow cases; they are big, light and won’t rip. My dad would also meet us at a check point to store our bags and give us new pillow cases.

What I really hate were cans of pop. I can get pop anytime I want and it’s too damn heavy to carry around. I usually jettison them and watch it explode. I rather have raisons. And who could forget about UNICEF. It just takes a while to wait for someone to grab some change. I think I kept it one year because I was needy.

And what’s the deal with people leaving the candy by the door and having a sign asking just take one. I hate to be a cynical but I guarantee kids aren’t going to take that advice. Whats worse is those people who are too cheap or lazy to hand out candy. Bastards! These are the homes you throw eggs at.

At the end of the day my brother and I would get down to business and makes some trades. We would empty our candy on the floor and compare our treasure. I know my brother likes chips and I like suckers; a fair trade. But some of our deals got complicated. I’ll trade my Wonder bar for your Mr. Big if you give me three liquorish and some nerds for half that Kit Kat and five of mine life savers and those nuts you don’t even like. And I know you have your eyes set on my giant size Twix.

 

I love dressing up. When I was little my mom picked out our costumes, such as cheetahs, soldiers and pirates. My brother got the hat, the hook and the sword and I was left with the gun and the eye patch. Arrrgg I took me eye patch off right away. Arrgg trick or treat. Arrgg you want me to do a trick? No trick arrg candy now. Aarrg fine I’ll kick you in the nuts. Arrgg pop? Arrgg.

I’m a huge Zelda fan and thought I would be Link one year. I wore green clothes and a green hat my mom made and I wield the Master Sword, which was really just a little plastic toy. So I am Link but every one thought I was goddamn Peter Pan. And my mom made me wear a coat over my costume.

As I got older I would make my own costumes. I was searching the closet for old clothes our costumes my parents wore. My mom dressed up as an Asian person with those Asian hats. And right off the bat I became Raiden for Mortal Kombat. I used the same hat again for another costume as a Vietnam sweat shop person and wore Nike clothes.

My dad was a Middle Eastern person with authentic clothing and a big nose. And again as soon as I saw it I thought I had to be a suicide bomber. Now calm down! Calm down. Calm down. This was like over fifteen years ago when it was only Palestine’s and Islam’s blowing each other up. I had to be the funniest and realistic costume ever. So I wore the robes, beard and dynamite. I made the dynamite out of these red golf club tubes, wires and black tape.

People loved it but nobody even took a picture for the year book and my moms photos got messed up too while developing them. There were these stupid and lame costumes like some dude dressing up as a chick that ended up in the year book. Ha-ha, a guy dressed as chick, what an original idea because he’s a guy wearing a wig and dress. Ha-ha. It was a total popularity contest because the makers of the year book only took pictures of their friends.

Now most people don’t know who Mel Far Superstar is. He was an ex football player turned car salesman from Detroit that wore a yellow business suite, a red tie and a red cape. So I found a yellow suite and again it clicked and I knew I had to be Mel Far. Too bad I’m not black but I am dark. So I actually found a red sheet as the cape and red tie. Some people loved it; some people had no idea what I was until I told them I was Mel Far. And they were like ooh Mel Far, awesome!

So we held the contest in the cafeteria with all of the best costumes for each class. I thought I deserved it, but no some idiot won. His costume was, get this, the greatest masturbator. That’s right the greatest masturbator because he masturbates a lot. He wore fishing equipment and sex toys and shit. If you just saw him you would have no fucking clue what he was. It’s not like hmm fisherman uh bait, dildos or oh he’s the greatest masturbator. Ingenious! First prize! Again it was all a popularity contest.

I love South Park; I got the idea of dressing up as Kenny. So I went to Value Village and bought an orange hoody and an orange pants and brown gloves. I also dressed up as an alcoholic with my beer helmet and Coors light t-shirt. I dressed up as my professor because he dressed this certain style. For those who had him as a professor loved it. And I also was Freddy Krueger with the claws and used an inside out mask to look like a burn victim. A mask that I took off in five minutes because I couldn’t see out of it or breath.

And Halloween is a chance for girls to wear slutty clothing. Not to be sexist but girls don’t normally wear clever costumes. Most of them are a devil, an angel or a cat. Meow. Still really, really hot though.

I have seen a lot of good costumes too. One of my roommates dressed as a smurf with only the clothes he had in his room. I’ve seen a couple of guys dressed as the Trail Park Boys. I’ve seen a guy dressed up as Boba Fett. It was sweet, I’d wear it everyday. I’m thinking of wearing my mom’s fake fur coat, buying a cane and becoming a pimp. I know it’s been done before but it’s a sweet coat.

There a lot lame costumes too. Like the pirate, the inmate and the bum. You might as well just wear your uniform and dress as yourself. What really scare me are clowns. Yikes! Seriously they do not make me laugh at all. They give me nightmares. I’m just like Kramer. And some chick knocked on my door at ten with no costume. I couldn’t give a shit and let her have a Twix.

My mom actually made this realistic witch, which took hours to make. It was so scary that little kids wouldn’t go near our house. It was awesome; we had it since I was little. For years people have always loved it. And then one year punk teenagers trashed it. Thanks assholes. I hope you get a cheap thrill for vandalizing property. I wish I could have caught them. Hey dudes I’m dressed up as the guy who’s going to kick your ass. Hmm, no I probably would have said hey and run back inside.

Now I’m an adult and I think I’m just a little too old for trick or treating. However I can go to Zellers on all saints day and buy those boxes of 100 assorted chocolate bars when they are on sale. This is awesome when you have the munchies. Hmm Oh Henry. But one’s never enough, you want more and more until you’re out and then head back to Zellers for more. And then you get terrible teeth decay and horrible acne like me.

Top Ten Annoying Animals

1. Sharks

Sharks are fucking cool. I have caught a small blue eyed shark deep sea fishing. It’s the part where the eat people that annoys me. That’s one of the reasons why I will never swim in the ocean. I live by the Great Lakes, which is freshwater, and I have nothing to worry about. “Everyone out of the water, someone has spotted a large mouth bass!”

2. Skunks

I always wondered how the skunk evolved and ended up being so smelly they can scare off anything. Are they naturally smelly and can they spray each other? I did run into one near downtown London, Ontario. I froze and then slowly backed off and I made a two km detour. I’ve heard tomato juice helps if you are sprayed. I wonder who tried tomato juice for the first time. “Okay mustard and relish won’t work. How about ketchup?”

3. Seagulls

Seagulls are annoying; they are like French fry vultures. Ha-ha I mean freedom fry vultures. You can’t even leave your freedom fries alone for one second. And little kids keep feeding them. By the way I have never seen a baby seagull or one of their nests. You would think they have high blood pressure from all of that salt and vinegar. I don’t know if this is a myth or not but I have heard if you feed them Alka-Seltzer their stomachs will explode.

4. Alligators

Alligators scare the shit out of me. I’ve told everyone about my terrifying encounter of the alligator at the golf course too many damn times. But my uncle told me a story where a guy he knows was playing fetch with his dog by the pond.  He claimed there were no alligators. He was wrong. Doggone wrong. Also, I can’t believe the crocodile hunter was killed by a sea ray of all things.

5. Carp

There is a certain carp species that are known as flying fish because they jump like crazy. Well they have somehow penetrated the Great Lakes; possibly by a ship. They are invasive and are eating all of the damn plants and natural wildlife. Now I would never eat carp although Asian people love it. However I did try catfish. Eww. I say we kill them all off… by any means possible.

6. Ostriches

Ostriches are one of the ugliest birds. I saw one at the animal farm. I don’t even know what they are good for. They look stupid and visitors can’t feed or pet them. I actually tried to feed it a stick and bit it right off. I guess I should have trusted the sign. However I do remember riding them in Super Mario 2. They are one of the birds I that I wish would just go extinct.

7. Crows

Crows just sound annoying. Caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw caw. They will eat almost anything. Including man. Ha-ha I don’t know but I hear they will eat other birds. A group of crows is called a murder. That is pretty badass. There are a variety of crows and I wonder how bird watchers mark down birds they see on their bird list. “I saw a black crow! I just started and I have already seen five birds! Next stop the freedom fry truck. There must be seagulls there.”

8. Pigs

Okay baby potbelly pigs are cute and all. But when you call some chick a pig, you don’t mean she’s cute. “Hey piggy.” “What did you call me?” “I said you’re cute as a potbelly pig.” “Oh you.” Pigs are pigs and they get older, fatter and uglier. Kind of like Brittney Spears. I don’t know why anyone would want a pet pig unless you’re going to roast it. You can’t really pet them, they don’t do any real tricks and they like rolling in the mud. But I hear they are intelligent. In fact I’m thinking of some Canadian bacon right now.

9. Geese

Canadian geese are the most annoying animals alive. They besmirch my nation’s good name. I don’t know why they are protected; they have no natural predators except maybe hunters. All they do is graze and shit green shit everywhere. And I mean everywhere. They sound irritating and they don’t move out of the damn way. I wonder where they go in the winter and why they just don’t stay there.

10. Man

People can be so annoying.

I’m In the Money!

Lying To My Mom

Here is a stupid story a few days ago about damage control. It’s not really any good but I have already written it. So suck it. I have made blogs about poker and lying but if you’re bored than take a gander at this story about lying about playing poker. Here it is goes.

First off for those who don’t know, I live in my parent’s basement and I get $50 allowance. That’s right I get $50 a week.  I spend most of it on beer, fast food, video games and movies. I used to play in a free poker league that you can win prizes and just hangout. After that league we would party at my friends place and play some Texas holdem with 20-40 cent blinds. I always made money because some people are stupid; they go fishing and don’t know the odds. Tons of fun but I play hockey now instead.

So I ask my mom if I can have money to play at the casino two weeks ago. She said only $30 and that’s it. I was up at $50 but lost it all. But I thought I knew the secret on how to play. So I went again without her permission and I made almost $200 from a initial $50. I was so excited and I treated myself on shopping and pizza. I told her look at all of this money I made and she was still pissed off. So I went again while they were out and I made $80 on one hand.

Now I’m thinking I’m a pro but my parents would be pissed off and take away my allowance if I ever went again. So I told my parents I’m going on a long bike ride. Which is true. I rode my bike to the casino. The hot guard actually asked for my I.D. I’m flattered but I look much younger with my hat on backwards. Remember this.

I was kicking ass but I lost two crucial pots. I had about a $100 and went all in. I had an ace with a ten kicker and then on the turn I hit triple aces. I’m shaking here and drooling at this pot; I thought I knew I had it for sure. I was thinking of all of the wonderful things I could buy. He calls. I’m being so cocky and I was like I have trip aces. He had the other ace and a jack kicker. And I was stunned; I mean what are the odds of that?

Soon I was running out of chips and was preparing for an all in moment. Now I knew this one guy bluffs all of the time. I get a big slick, which is a suited ace-king, and called all in. Well he shows his pair of fives and I’m praying for an ace or king. Nope.

So now I’m down $20 and it was getting dark. I was there for like five hours and decide to go. I realize how late it was for a bike ride and I had to come up with an alibi. I told my mom I stopped at my friend’s place for a bit and ate out. Being a natural bluffer from my experience of playing poker; my mom bought that story.

So later on me and my mom were watching a show on aging. I was thinking about the guard that asked me for my I.D. I told my mom the security guard actually asked for my driver’s license. Right away I realize I fucked up. Damage control. So I said “I mean the bouncer asked for my I.D. at uh Two Amigos. Yes the bouncer.” Lie accomplished.

She was stilled pissed off because it was dark and I should not be drinking beer on a Monday. My dad asked how many beers I had and told me I was supposed to only use the trail. I told him I had a beer, nachos and wings. And then five minutes later I asked if there was anything to eat. My dad then said didn’t you already have enough to eat. But dad I’m a growing boy and I’m still hungry.

Thieves

Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted to the Fullest Extent of the Law

Do you remember in Kindergarten when they asked what job you would want to do when you grow up. There were marine biologists, astronauts, chefs, teachers and even a cop. I wanted to be a robber. I thought it would be fun robbing money from banks and stealing treasures from museums.

But I got older and I grew a conscience. I have never stolen anything in my life. When I was younger my brother took some fishing lures from Canadian Tire. I freaked out. “Wwwhat, what are, what are you doing? No, you can’t do that. Nooo. Put it back. No.”

I have some morals. I normally I don’t condone theft. Even if I had an invisibility potion I would never take anything from someone else with a few exceptions. Let’s say you have a son little Timmy who is suffering from some rare disease and you can’t afford some new medication. Would you steal from the hospital? I would hope so. Or how you can’t afford to feed your family. That’s a bit of a grey area for me because you can always buy Kraft dinner or hit the soup kitchen.

With that invisibility potion would you steal from Bill Gates or Oprah? I would because they are rich and I’m sure they won’t even notice that I stole ten grand from the vault. But I would never steal from average people. Unless they’re total assholes. I just don’t like taking advantage of other people and making them all overprotective and paranoid. That’s why every time I leave the house my mom makes me lock the door even if I’m gone out for only five minutes.

I would never steal from a store, even if it is a massive chain like Wal-Mart. Just because it bothers me when people take advantage when given the chance to. It jacks up the prices for customers and increases security.

You know in Wal-Mart how they have the “greeter” at the front of the store. They usually stick some old dude that says hello all day. But they’re really there when the detectors go off to check if the electronic thingy has been removed or if someone tried hiding items in a bag, suitcase or whatever. They don’t accuse said shoplifter but say you forgot to pay for this item. When I was working there I saw this all go down a couple of times. Hilarious. I mean why risk stealing from a store with a million cameras? It would totally suck balls if you are banned and can never shop there anymore. Where are going to shop now? K-Mart?

I have personally been robbed a couple of times. A long time ago me and my brother had some new badass bikes. The garage door was unlocked and some douches stole them. I always wanted to know who had done this. I hope they get hit by a car riding my bike. Seriously. I wish when they are quadriplegics they would be thinking “why Lord? I should have never had stolen this bike and all of this would never have happened. I’m sorry Lord. I want another chance. I’m sorry!”

Another time some punk kids stole my wallet. I left it in the in the car and I forgot to lock it because my hands were full. It just so happens that they came along that very night. They didn’t close the door as not to wake up people.

Fine take my twenty bucks but if you a shred of decency don’t take my drivers license, health card, bank card or my Burger King Kids Club Member card. That’s a bitch waiting in line and getting them all over again. I hope the robbers get robbed themselves. That would be karma. And Jennifer Love Hewitt stole my heart.

I have been cheated too. Sometimes I look up the classifieds to see if any electronics or video games are available. One time I bought a 27 inch television for a hundred bucks from some redneck. He told me they have upgraded. Sure enough it seemed okay. Two weeks later I hook it up and after a while it didn’t work. My dad tried to return it but they didn’t have any money and my dad just told me fine they’re too poor, let it go. And then I did it again at a garage sale.

I guess downloading is a crime too. What’s the worse that could happen? “We are the Royal Canadian Mounties and we found out you illegally downloaded Fat Chicks Orgy 5 and Mexican Shemales 3. You’re going down for this.”

Illegal downloading is a farce. I’m not going to buy each song for dollar. Sure it’s sounds okay paying for your favorite fifty songs. But would cost me a grand for a thousand songs whereas I could just download using Limewire, or whatever, for free.

There are all of these rock star pussies that don’t like downloading. That doesn’t rock for me. They must make a decent amount doing concerts and touring. If you release a solid record, than fine I will dish out fifteen bucks. But not if you are a one hit wonder. No matter how much I love the song Who Let the Dogs Out I’m not going to listen to the rest of their crap.

But if I could steal something I would steal that cardboard cutout of a cop saying theft is a crime that they have at the front of a store. That would be funny and ironic. I would put it beside my movie and video game collection.

Boring Sports

I love pretty much all sports, activities and games. Hockey is my favorite to watch and play. The games are close and exciting. The whole score can change in a matter of seconds. I like the body checks, sweet goals and I think everyone except old ladies love the fights.  I also like to play and watch soccer.

So the reason I chose these is sports is, if they are even sports, is because nothing new or exciting ever happens. They are boring to play and even more boring to watch from the stands. And even more boringer to watch at home. The only fun part is drinking beer while watching it. And I love drinking beer pretty much anywhere.

Sumo Wrestling

Sumo wrestling is where two really overweight guys try to get the other guy out of the circle or onto the ground. It’s a Japanese sport, but I have no clue how it originated. Did one day people thought it would be hilarious if two fat guys go at it without punching? I do recall in the wicked movie Bloodsport where the sumo took on the African monkey guy and just crushed him. Then Van Damn punched him in the junk.

Sumo Wrestling is the only one sport where athletes want to be fat to play. That would be fun to eat anything and how much of anything you want without feeling guilty. “Dammit, I’m only three hundred pounds. All of this butter eating isn’t working and the buffets won’t serve me anymore. I need something even greasier. It’s time to hit Taco Bell.”

I don’t know if they have weight divisions. I mean would welter weight division be like 300 pounds and super heavy weight be a 1000 pounds?  I wish they would wear shorts or at least boxers when they fight. I mean it would be gross if their belt up their ass falls apart. And I wonder if these fat slobs get the girls? Their women must be on top or else they would crush them.

NASCAR

I know a lot a of people who enjoy NASCAR. I don’t though, it all seems the same to me. All you see is cars going supper fast and whizzing by. And then the pit crew guys change a tire or whatever they do. I wonder what their day job is like. “We got a customer! Someone needs a new tire. Its twenty minutes away. We should be there in five and it will only take 30 seconds to change it.”

I don’t have a sick personality but I only thing I enjoy are the crashes. Maybe if they didn’t have so many damn advertisements they could see better. Their car and even their clothes have ads on them. Even on their crutch. And what kind of food do rednecks like anyway. “Hmm I see this ad for Bettie Crocker on his ass; sounds delicious. Oh did you see that car that just passed the other car? That was awesome!” And boat racing is even worse than NASCAR but I have nothing really to say about it.

Baseball

I never really played baseball. I could never throw. I throw like a girl. Maybe even worse than a girl. Maybe I throw like an old lady with Parkinson disease. I don’t remember me and my dad ever playing catch. We kicked the soccer ball around instead.

The only fun thing about baseball is getting up to bat and running bases. The problem is that if your team sucks, you might hardly have a chance to get up to bat. In soccer or other sports your whole team plays at the same time and you can have bench warmers for all of the shitty players. But in baseball only the pitcher gets to play most of the time. If you are in outfield then you might catch a ball what like every once in a while. Baseball is just so damn slow.

Again, nothing exciting ever happens. At the bars I like to watch the sports channel with the highlights. They show sweet putts, awesome goals, nice saves and fights. And then some double play for all of those baseball fans. I mean I can only watch so many home runs or good catches.

Bowling

Don’t get me wrong, I love to go bowling. I can’t put any spin on it so I just try to bowl right down the center. I always pick a ball with big holes that are close together. I like to make bets with my friends and I get excited when they fuck up. The problem is that I always get eight or nines and no strikes or spares.

But who the fuck is going to watch it on T.V.? “Wow he just got another strike and has bowled a perfect game! I am lucky to live to be alive to witness such awe-inspiring and legendary match that will go down in the records.” The only cool thing is when they have a seven ten split.

Finally one of my favorite stories was when I was bowling with some friends. We were bedside this lonely guy who I guess doesn’t have anyone to play along with. I mean who goes alone?  Okay, he brought his own ball and shoes. And he had one glove like he’s Michael Jackson. But he had his own towel that he would wipe his ball before any roll.

So my blond friend, who is a perfect ten and way, way out of my league, is up. She was going to grab a ball and asked if it was his. And get this; he actually said “you couldn’t handle my ball.” Haha. Fag.

Star Wars Quotes

My Top Ten Star Wars Quotes

10. Luke: But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters

9. OB1: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for

8. Vader: The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force

7. Dak: I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself

6. OB1: Mos Eisley, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy

5. Lando: Would you get going, you pirate

4. C3PO: In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years

3. R2D2: Beep, beep, wooo.

2. Han Solo: Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

1. Vader: “Luke I am your father”

This the most famous Star Wars quote. But it never happened in the movie. It actually goes like this:

Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him

Darth Vader: No. I am your father.