Fan Favorites: Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget was the complete dufus of a cop. Every episode was the same. All he does is fumble around and accidentally catches those two dufus henchmen, who get out on bail each time. Penny is the one that actually solves the crimes. I think the dog Brain is more useful. I bet Brain can even use the toilet. And then Dr. Claw escapes in his airplane and yells I’ll get you next time Gadget!

Why does Chief Quimby hide in crash cans and always give him packages that are going to explode? You think both of them would learn by now. “For fuck sakes Inspector stop throwing the explosive letter back at me. I already have third degree burns all over my chest and I lost my right thumb.” “Well Sarg stop giving me explosive letters.” “Touché.” How important are these documents? You know it’s going to leak anyway. I think the Sarg should just save everyone’s time and just give it directly to Penny. And Gadget can be given an alone assignment to go track down some Columbian drug cartel.

How did Gadget come to get his gadgets? He’s too stupid to have created his own abilities. He can’t even tie his own shoes with out a plunger coming out of his arm. Did he have all of these gadgets when his was a kid? I think it’s the same way Wolverine got his powers. I bet they took out half his brain to make room for all of that shit that pops out of his head.

Every time he needs something important he gets something entirely different. For example he’s gets thrown off a plane and needs his gadget helicopter thing that pops out of his head so doesn’t fall to his death. He goes go-go gadget helicopter and instead an anvil pops out his head. “Wowzers, I going to fucking die!”

Or there is a bomb and it’s up to Gadget to diffuse it. Okay, (very quietly) go-go gadget pliers. And then a blow torch comes out his finger and everyone dies of a horrible death. Wowsers!

What’s the point of the van that turns into a police car? Does he have to pick up Penny and her soccer teammates and then give out speeding tickets? Or does he stake out in the van and then turn it into the cop car once he’s ready to apprehend the criminals in the act. Go-go gadget binoculars and his go-go gadget sirens turn on.

You never do see Dr.Claw. All you see is his hand and his ugly cat  Mittens. It would be so easy to kill Gadget. I mean he can barely stay alive as it is. Tell him to say go-go gadget suicide time bomb. And he’s dangerous for other people around him. Like when he carves the Thanksgiving turkey. Go-go gadget carving knife. No not go-go gadget poisons gas.

He’s Penny’s father, so he must have gotten laid. How did he make sweet love to his wife? “Okay honey go-go gadget boner.” And then a hammer comes out of his package.

And then you have the whole learning is half the battle scene at the end. “Hi, I’m Inspector Gadget. You shouldn’t piss on electric fences. I can do it because I’m complete retard cyborg freak.

Care Bears

Care Bears: The Gayest Cartoon Ever

I used to love 80s cartoons when I was a kid. I would even watch homoerotic cartoons like Faggle Rock, Snorkels or Hercules. Hercules is lesser known low budget cartoon where Hercules uses his magical ring to fight enemies along with his sidekick Newton the centaur. Very gay.

However Care Bears was too gay for me. It’s almost so gay it’s good. Try watching it on Youtube. For those who never seen Care Bears, it’s a cartoon with cartoon bears. Each bear has some power which they have on their belly. They live up on the clouds in a city known as Care-a-Lot. Every name has something to do with caring, sharing or hearts.

In most cartoons the protagonists go on adventures, fight crime and help anyone in distress. Care Bears help anyone who needs caring. They actually have the “Caring Meter.” Seriously watch it. “Whats that on the Caring Meter? Did Kyle not share any fries with his little brother Timmy? Someone is in need of a lesson in caring.” Their arch nemesis is No Heart who wants to “destroy the Care Bears!” He wants to take away any caring or feelings.

Every bear has some power and names just like the seven Dwarves. There is even Grumpy Bear. I think his name should only be Grumpy, we already know that he’s a bear. So here are some of the more popular Care Bears.

Grumpy Bear should be called Buzzkill Bear. His symbol is a rain cloud, but I don’t know how he can use it. I mean why not go to Africa and make it rain for them. But you could have some fun with that. You can ruin kids’ birthday parties with rain or make it rain when there are chicks in white shirts walking around. But all he does is bitch and complain.

Of all the gay Care Bears, Cheer Bear is the gayest. She is pink and hers symbol is a rainbow. I guess she helps out with gay people in need of some caring. She’s in Care-a-Lot and sees some kids harassing a gay kid. “Hey you guys you’re not being very caring.” “Fuck you Dyke Bear!” “Hey you’re messing with the wrong bear!” “What are you going to do about it? Make a rainbow?”

I love Good Luck Bear. She’s Irish and loves to drink. Last time I heard she’s a mascot for Notre Dame. The players all rub her tummy for good luck. Too bad she’s not very caring when she is drunk. “Look Funshine Bear, if that’s your real name. I’ve been meaning to tell you off but I never had the nerve.” “Your drunk, just go and lay down.”

There is Love-a- Lot Bear. Her name is actually Love-a-Lot. I’m sure the writers had a fun time making up names. I think she’s a hoar for all of the other Care Bears. “Grumpy Bear, are you in need of a little caring?” “You dirty slut.” “I will Love-you-Lot.” She contracted several bear STDs.

Wish Bear makes wishes come true. If that was so my life would be a thousand times better. “Look you frigging bear, make me king of the world.” “It doesn’t work that way. That’s wishful thinking.” “Than what’s the point of your power?” “I wish you shut up.”

Brave Heart Lion isn’t even a bear. And don’t get him mixed up with the real Brave Heart; Mel Gibson. He came into the show later on as a Care Bear Cousin. I wonder how all of the new bears met. Is there a waiting line to get into Care-a-Lot? “Okay, name and power” “Janitor Bear. I have a mop on my stomach. I’m caring by cleaning up messes.” “Right.” .

No Heart is the main villain after World Domination. He is a sorcerer and can change into different forms. He loathes all caring and feelings. His minions are Sinister Shadows. His apprentice is Beastly who he sends out to do his biddings and stop the Care Bears. Beastly is some hog monkey creature.  He rides a pedalbike helicopter and always fucks up No Heart’s plans. He is actually kind of funny.

If I was a Care Bear I’d want to be Beer Bear. My symbol would be a keg and I would just sit around in Care-a-Lot drinking forties all day. I would never run out of beer because I can just make more on my own. “Come on Beer Bear, look at the Caring Meter, two drunken kids are fighting over a girl. This is your jurisdiction.” “I would but I can’t drink and drive in one of those gay cloud cars. Leave me alone.” “You’re not being very caring.” “I’m sorry.”

HE-MAN

He-Man is another classic 80s cartoon. I believe they made the cartoon to promote the action figures. That’s where the money is. I had a couple but idiot me sold them for a dollar each at my friends garage sale. Whoops.

My older cousin would have a heart attack if he knew of this. He is just like the 40 year old virgin. He is a grown man and has every action figure there is. He will drive hours searching for them and pay a fortune.

My question is what do collectors like him do with them? Do they play with them? Or do they put them on the mantle like some faberge egg and hope the value goes up. Sure they are worth something but who actually buys them. I guess even bigger dorks pay for them.

He-Man

Apparently He-Man is the most powerful man in the Universe. His alter ego is Adam, prince of Eternia. Whenever help is needed Adam turns into He-Man with his magic sword and says “by the powers of Grayskull. I have the power!”

He says this like twenty times during the cartoon and uses the same footage. Seriously one third of the episode is him in front of Gray Skull saying he has the power. And he can be anywhere but each time he transforms into He-Man he is at the castle and then is back where he was.

He-Man

His secret identity is worse than Superman. He-Man and Adam look the exact same except He-Man is wearing some suspenders with a Nazi logo and loses the pants for some tight shorts. Just a little homoerotic.

Seriously how can nobody see this? “King Randor, do you ever notice that He-Man looks exactly the same as your son? They are never in the same room at the same time...” “Ha-ha, you have quite the imagination. My son is He-Man, haha.”

His pet cat is Cringer and is such a pussy. But he transforms into a battle cat, without his permission. It’s almost like Cringer is the Hulk. The thing is though you never see them transform back into their normal form.

He-Man

I like how between each scene it says He-Man. Or whenever something exciting happens there is a commercial. It’s like He-Man pushes some rock creature over a cliff and you see it fall and there is a commercial. Then it shows him push the creature over a cliff again.

He-Man

He-Man is has his allies; the Masters of the Universe. Every guy has looks like they spend a lot of time at the gym. Even Skeletor is ripped. I bet he can bench 400 lbs. And all of the women have nice tight bodies.

There is Duncan, also known as Man-At-Arms. He is a cunning warrior and inventor. His weapon of choice is a club and has some ugly helmet. He has a kick ass 80s mustache but I never really liked him. He is the adopted father of Teela. She is some sorceress. She has a nice rack and some sexy get up.

I love Orko because he has a funny name and funny voice. He has magical powers but mostly fucks up. I like that he can levitate, but does he have feet? He wouldn’t be the most fun action figure.

He-Man

Skeletor is He-Mans arch villain. He even has a cat Panthor. If I had a cat I’d name it Panthor too because anything that ends with “or” kicks ass! He looks just like Ghostrider except his skull isn’t on fire and he has the magic finger to cast spells. Apparently his is from another dimension. I guess there are other skeleton people living there.

Skeletor has his evil minions that keep fucking up. There is Beastman who has control over beasts. There is Mer-Man who can summon swamp creatures. There is Tri-Klops who can see any direction. And there is the cyborg Trap Jaw who has one real arm and one interchangeable arm such as a hook or ray gun or a spatula hand.

He-Man

As I said earlier I used to have He-Man action figures, although I liked G.I.Joes more. The problem with He-Man figures is they can’t bend their elbows or knees.  (I think, I could be wrong). Their hands are clutched tight so you could put weapons in them. It kind of looks like He-Man was beating off and his hands froze from overuse.

 I remember having two different He-Mans. There was the original and then there was some sort of special one. Like karate chop He-Man. I had Skeletor and some dude with different faces. It kind of sucks when you lose the person’s sword or shield. Again my cousin told me all about weapons and how much more valuable the character is with them.

I had Ram Man; he looks a lot like Juggernaut. He can extend his legs so one minute looks like a dwarf and then he looks like a normal person. Fisto has one giant metal arm, kind of like Hellboy. I wonder how he types or opens a beer with a giant hand. Does he get mad and punch a hole through the brick wall?

He-Man

Today I made the comment that Ram Man can change from a dwarf into a normal person. Well midgets are people too. And midgets prefer being called little people. So whenever you see a little person, treat them like any person.

He-Man

Jurassic Park

I loved dinosaurs as a kid. So it is no surprise that I love Jurassic Park. I saw it twice in the theater and probably a dozen times at home. So I thought hey it’s been a while I’m going to watch it.  If you don’t already know, Jurassic Park is this futuristic theme park where they have living dinosaurs that they have created with sophisticated techniques.

I’m pretty sure everyone has seen the movie and I bet if they haven’t seen it they probably never will. But I recommend downloading the movie right now. The graphics still look very good even in this day of age.

Spoiler! The first scene is when they are loading a raptor from one cage into another cage for whatever reason. And for whatever stupid reason, instead of the door being automatic opened, the guy has to manually open it. They guy gets knocked into said cage and since he is black he’s the first to go. And the hunter guy is like “shoot her! Shoot her!”

Then there is an excavation where Dr. Grant and his lady friend Dr. Sattler are digging up dinosaurs. They are funded by the old dude John, the creator of Jurassic Park. John has already made real living dinosaurs and couldn’t give a shit about some bones. So it’s pretty mean to allow all of this excavation to go on and never tell them their digging days are over and were a waste of time and effort.

So the two paleontologist are invited to the park along with Jeff, the guy from the movie Fly. And the lawyer duce bag is going inspect the park for safety reasons. Jeff is the mathematician, I mean chaostician. I assume he is the comedic relief because I have no idea why they would bring him along.

So they arrive at the park in Costa Rica. I wonder if John needs permits or some shit because you would think somebody would eventually see it. “Sir what are you doing on this island?” “Well sir we have cloned dinosaurs and have a theme park we call Jurassic Park. Here are the papers.” “Haha. Good enough.”

The group meets John’s grandkids. There is Lex the annoying girl and hacker. And there is Tim who knows everything about dinosaurs. Initially Grant hates kids but eventually begins to warm up to them. So the group sees the brachiosaurus and almost shit their pants. And the lawyer says we are going to make a fortune.

Grant meets up with the hunter guy and they both fear raptors. They say all of this shit that raptors are so smart and can remember. So why would they keep them anyway? You can’t see them. You can’t just let them go off their own or give them to the humane society.

For whatever reason almost everyone who works at the park are leaving on a ship. I forget why, was there a storm or was it a holiday weekend? Why the fuck would everyone leave when something so important as professionals coming in to inspect the park? Are there any chefs, guards or janitors? Because they need someone to prepare the food. “Ah the park will be fine for a couple of days without any staff. All we need is Samuel L. Jackson, the hunter guy and the hacker New Man.”

So Newman is the hacker and is secretly working for another Dinosaur theme park. He has to steal the dino formula needed to clone dinosaurs. He shuts the electricity off and therefore the dinosaurs can just break the electric fences. I don’t know why. But he doesn’t have enough time and fucks up. He drives into some dinosaur pit and gets killed.

What I don’t get is didn’t they already test the ride? I mean they would have to run it several times before letting any visitors on it. You never go to Cedar Point and let some visitors to be the first to try out the new rollercoaster. They stop to check out a sick dinosaur and split up. They continue for a while and then the vehicles stop because of the electricity. Now what happens if there is a thunder storm or some shit? That wouldn’t be safe at all.

They just happen to at stop right at the Rex’s feeding area. Which is kind of gross when you think about. You never go to the zoo and see the lions eat wildebeests right in front of you. So here comes the Rex. I don’t understand how he sees through movement. How could he possibly find the goat? So Rex throws part of the goat onto the car and then breaks out.

Lawyer the asshole gets out of the car and into the restroom that just so happened to be there. Is this for emergency reasons? Does little Timmy shit his pants once he sees the Rex? The lawyer dies because nobody likes lawyers.

So Grant is with the kids and is bonding with them. They try to get back to the center. Meanwhile the rest need to restore the power. Well Jackson couldn’t possibly survive because he’s black and he gets killed by raptors who have escaped. Hunter guy is also outwitted and killed by the raptors.

Near the end the kids are on their own and are chased by the raptors. They hide in the kitchen and the raptors actually open the door. I guess they are smart. I mean try getting your dog to open the door. So the kids escape with the doctors and are cornered. Well they shouldn’t have been eaten. But with no way out, the Rex just so happened to break in and attack the raptors. How convenient.

Well the helicopter arrives and I’m thinking where the fuck were they? You would think someone would have a cell phone or something and bring in the National Guard to save them. They never really explain what happens next with all of the dinosaurs roaming around. But how awesome would that be if there was a Jurassic Park?

The Carnival

So the carnival is in town for a couple of days. And that means the carnies are here!

Why would anyone want to be a carnie? At what point in your life did you think hey I suck at everything else, why not be a loud annoying asshole for a living.

I wonder how the interview goes. “So why should I hire you?” “Well I like to travel and I live in a van.” “Can you be extremely obnoxious?” “Yes, very so. Ten-four!” “Great will put you at the frog pond. If you do well than we can move you up the shooting gallery. And maybe, just maybe, one day you can be me, the Leader of the Carnies. By the way the shooting and bowling games are theoretically impossible. Be very careful.”

Carnies are pros at pissing people off. I think they do training in Carnie 101 to learn all of the tricks of the trade. They must loud and they might egg you on or give you “deals.” They might ask you to win something for their girl friend. “She’s my mom.” “Well can you win something for your mom?” I wonder if they are on commission.

I don’t know why anyone wants any of the prizes unless you are a kid or beanie baby’s collector. I probably spent three dollars on a stupid small snake thingy that looked like a stuffed animal dildo. It’s very soft. My question is where the Hell they get all of these stuffed animal dildos. Costco? “Which aisle are the stuffed animal dildos?” “Aisle ten beside the inflatable girlfriends.” “It’s for my girlfriend.” “Sure.”

So I spent $20, which was a lot for me at the time, trying to win one of those giant stuffed animals. I might as well just buy the damn thing. The game was to throw a ball in this basket.  I was close and I think it was possible. I think you have to put back spin on it. But what the fuck would I do with a giant stuffed animal lion anyway? It would just take up space in the attic.

The hammer game is always good fun. I can actually hit the bell at the top and got over a hundred, which I thought was impossible. Now I wonder how hard Thor could hit it. He would probably completely smash the target thing and send the puck flying several miles. Me and my friend both won inflatable swords and were sword fighting each other. Haha good fun.

Every time I go, there is the shitty haunted house ride. Only it’s not really a haunted house, it’s more like a haunted trailer with a shitty train that goes in a loop. Why would anyone go on this and what do they expect? I never actually been on it but I don’t think skeletons, ghosts and a broken vampire is going to scare me. Now if they had naked pictures of Rosie O’Donnell, that would scare me. Ewww.

The rides look very sketchy. Imagine the ferris wheel breaks off and kills everyone on the midway. I don’t even know who makes them. Probably some German company. And I never figured out how they bring giant rides like the Zipper all over the place.

I love the Zipper. Its one of the few rides I look forward to. If you don’t know, you’re in a cage on this massive ride where you are flipping around and going upside down and shit. Good fun and you don’t get sick.

However there is the UFO ride where it spins around very fast and you’re stuck against the wall. I’ve been one in Boblo Island and almost puked. I was screaming to stop it and as soon as I got out I puked like crazy. Now imagine I did puke in the ride and everyone has vomit in their face. That would be hilarious.

Speaking of vomit, me and Stics went to the carnival a long, long time ago. We were on some stupid ride where you spin around and go up and down. Good fun until our chair made a huge dip and uh we look at each other and uh we both felt sick. We get off and Stics just pukes all over the place. Never again. Or next time I might try some gravel before I take on the shitty ride.

Full House

Do you ever notice that sitcoms have like eight people that all live in the same damn house?  That’s why they call Full House, Full House. They all live in Sans Francisco and people there don’t mind three men living in a house with three girls. I wouldn’t be surprised if the gay community loves the show.

So I hear Saget’s wife died in a car crash by a drunk driver. This is suppose be a funny show, how can I laugh with something so depressing. I mean do little Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen ever ask daddy about where mommy is. Does Saget ever have to explain that mommy got smoked by a drunk driver and died instantly?  And then he just loses it. “She was my soul mate! She was my soul mate.

The Full House is not even that big of a house. So Saget has to raise his three daughters: the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron and Stephanie with the help of his two adult friends Joey and Jesse. Right? Why not hire a nanny or baby sitter instead? I mean the Olsen girls are only like three years old and I don’t think Uncle Jesse is a good influence.

Saget works at morning show with Vicky. They were engaged but the bitch left him for an exciting job opportunity in Chicago. I don’t know why they just gave up on each other? I guess the writers decided to kill her off. He is bit of a neat freak, again hire a maid, you’re on a morning show, you can afford it.

Jesse is the cool guy and Saget’s brother in law. He hooks up with a girlfriend Becky and she moves into the Full House too for whatever insane reason. Hey the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. And even later Jesse haves his own kids. Twins, what are the odds?  “Jesse move out and find another home you mooch.” Jesse has his own band Jesse and the Rippers. Haha nice band. They never made it. In fact I heard they actually kicked him out.

Becky loves the cock. The problem is that its hard to get down and dirty with some many damn people living in a small house. I bet the kids could hear them, even with the music so loud. She ends up being the mother figure for the kids. I don’t think Saget could help the kids through boyfriends or puberty. “Well Stephanie, a period is …”

Joey is supposed to be the funny guy. I emphasize supposed to be. He has like no material except impersonating a beaver or some retarded character. He’s kind of annoying actually. I don’t remember his job unless you call shitty stand up to be one. Fun fact: in real life Saget does standup and is nothing like his characters on Full House and American’s Funniest Videos. He was even in Half Baked. “Have you ever sucked dick for weed?”

D.J. is the oldest daughter. I wonder how she got her name. I mean she never says I’m D.J. Tanner. People might think she is some music D.J. from a club. She used to be chubby but she later lost the pounds. Good for her. Her neighbor and best friend is Kimmy. She is a wild one, “whatever.” Nobody really likes her except D.J. They always get into a fight and then end up making up at the end. “D.J, I’m sorry, I fucked your boyfriend.” “That’s alright, you guys were drunk.” “Friends?” “BFF.” “How about a threesome?”

Stephanie is the middle child. I don’t remember anything funny about her. I wonder where she is now. “Hi, I’m Stephanie. I played Stephanie on Full House.” “Um, Full House?  Was that the shitty sitcom in the eighties about three gay men raising ugly children?” “Bingo.” “Who was Stephanie?” “She’s the one that is about to suck your balls.”

The Olson Twins just bugged me. They weren’t cute on Full House nor are the cute now. Everything about them just aggravates me, like when she says “you got it dude” or some shit.  The twins basically grew up in the show. That must have royally fucked them up being in the spotlight. I mean did they go to school or play with other kids? Imagine how competitive they would be. “I lost a pound.” “I lost three.” “Three? Bitch.”

Now they’re all grown up and worth millions from their stupid movies. But how long will that money last? They have probably have done a lot of drugs and their careers won’t last forever.  They might stoop so low as to team up with Jack Black in another terrible movie. Or maybe they might be in a Playboy centerfold when they are broke. I can imagine it, Olsen Twins are Older Now.

Funny, my buddy actually met them at his garage sale and they bought his picnic table. That would be cool, but I think I rather meet anyone else. I rather meet Fran Dresher from another stupid show. Hanhanhanhan.

I would love to have a look inside the house. Lets think here. I hope they have at least a basement, maybe a poker table. People would have to either share the television or you would need two or three televisions. There is now way D.J. is missing the New Kids On the Block so Joey can watch other comedians.

Of course they would need a kitchen, eating table, bathrooms, T.V. rooms and everyone’s bedroom. I mean when you have like six hungry people to feed you need one big ass table. I wonder how many bathrooms they have. That would get just a little hectic. “Dammit Joey, stop jerking off, we need the bathroom. I need to take a massive dump and Stephanie needs to do her makeup because she’s ugly.”

So where does everyone sleep? Let’s look at it, Saget would have the master bedroom, Jesse and Joey must have their own room and if I recall right the girls might share a room or two. Later on Jesse’s wife moves in and then they have twins. Again what is with the twins? I mean I hate in sitcoms where they keep adding characters. “Your aunt’s pool boy’s crazy roommate Derek is going to live with use now. Joey you got the futon now.

Chip’n Dale Rescue Rangers

Do you remember Chip’n Dale? I always get them mixed up with Chip and Dale strippers. I mean I’m horny and I’m looking up Chip and Dales and all I get is small animals solving crimes. But it brings me back to the Disney cartoon Chip’n Dale Rescue Rangers.

If you lived under a bolder or weren’t born yet you should know the cartoon. Chip is a chipmunk (nice name) and his chipmunk partner Dale, along with their friends, solve mysteries.

Here is the theme song:

Sometimes some crimes
Go slipping through the cracks
But these two
Gumshoes
Are picking up the slack
There's no case too big
No case too small
When you need help just call

Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale's
Rescue Rangers
Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale
When there's danger
No, No, it never fails
Once they're involved
Somehow whatever's wrong gets solved

Fresh prints
Not since Watson and Mr. Holmes
Have two minds
So fine
Looked under every stone
When you need some help to save the day
They're never far away

Grey skies - it's trouble
Bad guys see double
When they're around
The chips are never down

Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale's
Rescue Rangers
Ch-ch-ch-Chip 'N Dale
When there's danger
No, no, it never fails
They'll take the clues
And find the wheres and whys and whos

Grey skies - it's trouble
Bad guys see double
When they're around
The chips are never down

As you should know Chip and Dale are adorable talking chipmunk brothers with high pitch voices. Just don’t get confused with Alvin and the Chipmunks. The rangers could kick their ass. So they embark on crimes real cops wouldn’t bother with.

“Murdock, you’re needed on this case, it might get ugly.” “Fuck that, it’s my last day.” “We need you Murdock, someone has stolen some cheese.” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “It’s either up to you or the Rescue Rangers.” “Again, what the fuck are you talking about?” “They are squirrels that solve crimes.” “Right.” “Oh watch out, I’m going to swat an annoying green fly wearing a red shirt”

Here are the protagonist starting off with the leader Chip. He is obviously modeled after Indiana Jones. I mean he is wearing the same damn hat and jacket.  But no pants because that would be silly. He is the leader of the pack and gets down to business. He is the bad cop while Dale is the good cop.

Dale obviously looks just like Magnum P.I. I mean he’s wearing the same Hawaiian shirt. Good show by the way. He is the funny brother and you can tell the difference between the brothers when they are naked by his Rudolf nose. He loves to play video games and I wonder how he got a hold of a video controller small enough for him to use. And he loves his own Chip’n Dale game. Great fun.

Gadget is the mouse who makes, um gadgets. She says golly a lot instead of fuck or shit, but hey it’s a kid cartoon. The last invention, a robot, went into a fit of rage and ended up killing a family of baby rabbits.  She’s hot and has a tight ass. There is a love triangle between her, Chip and Dale. When Dale was drunk he got into a violent fight with Chip over her. Finally they said bros before hoes. Dale settled for a talking pigeon.

Monterey Jack is the Australian traveler that hooks up with the Chipmunks. He has a crippling addiction to cheese. They tried to get him off the cheese but nobody fucks with Monterey when he’s angry. I mean they tried to wean him off with cheese slices and suggest other food rodents like to eat such as seeds or carrots. Strung out, he decided to steal the cheese from a mouse trap. It didn’t kill him but he dislocated his shoulder.

And then there is Monterey’s friend Zipper, the household fly. He can’t talk and I wonder how he and Monterey became friends or even communicate to each other? “Buzz.” “What’s that you annoying fly?” “Buzz.” “You want to come along on my many adventures?” “Buzz” “Sure we need an insect to fly around, get into tiny spots and talk to other insects. What’s your name?” “Buzz” “I’ll call you Zipper.” I’d swat it because I hate flies.

The main villain is Fat Cat, imagine that. He used to be a pet cat to some boss of a criminal organization. I guess his name was Mittens but he renamed himself to sound tougher. My former name was Leslie but I changed it because it sounded too much like a girl’s name. It’s now Gorakatha.

Fat Cat hates the Rangers almost as much as he hates dogs. He likes the finer things in life that money can buy, like some pussy. Cat. He has some Henchmen such as a Lizard, Wart. Mepps is a smaller cat and Snout is a rat. And a mole named Mole. What is this Winnie the Pooh?

Then there is the mad scientist professor Norton Nimnul. This time he is an actual person that knows the Rangers. He’s always wants to enslave the world but his inventions always fuck up. Each time his invention fails he just gives up. Okay your hypnotizing gun didn’t work initially. But don’t give up, fix the problem and try it again.

Do other humans ever see the Rangers? You would think someone would notice eventually. That would freak me out. I mean you see talking chipmunks wearing clothes. You see a cute mouse with a tight ass that’s holding onto a wrench. And a huge mouse with mustache and a fly zipping around. Too bad I use raid and mouse traps in my crib. But gadget would make an awesome pet and can fix our plumbing.

Like all chipmunks they live in tree. I’m more spacious than it appears from outside. They tried feng sui to open up the living room but it didn’t leave enough space for the kitchen. Their symbol looks strikingly similar to the Grateful Dead symbol.  They fly around in some stupid blimp. I hope they use helium instead of hydrogen. You don’t want a Hindenburg. “Now to solve the crime of the kidney thief.”

Where Do Babies Come From?

(Child)   Where do babies come from?

(Mom)   Well son, you see a stork brings a baby, like you, over to us parents.

(Child)    So where does a stork grab a baby in the first place?

(Mom)    Well the storks get babies from, umm, umm “Baby Island.”

(Child)     Where’s the fuck is that?

(Dad)      Hey, none of that freaking language! I don’t tolerate that shit!

(Child)    I never seen a stork with a baby before, so does the stork just meet you at the

                front door hands the baby over?

       

(Mom)    Umm, well, honey, help me.

(Dad)      There’s no fooling you Anakin. You see, a man has a “special pole.”

(Child)    Yes I know, Uncle Ed told me all about my “special pole.”

(Dad)      Haha crazy Uncle Ed, you see he’s what we refer to a “pedophile.” Oh Ed you  

               child molester.

(Child)    What’s that?

(Dad)      You’ll find out when you’re old enough and it becomes an emotional scar.  

               Anyhoo, man has a “pole” and a woman has a “hole,”

(Child)    A “hole?”

(Dad)      Ah, I mean a “pussy”

(Child)    And then what?

(Dad)    Well when a man becomes “aroused” his “pole” gets larger and then he sticks the

             “pole” into a woman’s “pussy” and moves in and out of said “pussy.”

(Child)   Yes I remember when I accidentally came in your bedroom. Um, so where do  

               babies come from?

(Mom)   I’ll take it. Well you see when a man reaches “climax” his “pole” sends out

              “tadpoles” into a woman’s “egg.”

(Child)    So I hatched out of an egg?

(Mom)   Yes but it’s inside a woman’s body. Every month a woman has a “period” and

              becomes a “bitch” for a few days. If that point of time, sometimes a man’s 

              “tadpoles   “fertilizes” an egg it becomes a “fetus” and then after nine months a

              baby comes out of a woman’s “hole.”

(Child)    What happens if parents don’t want any children because I recall Uncle Ted 

               saying he wish he didn’t have any?

(Mom)     Oh for fuck sakes.

Toys

My older cousin actually collects toys. He’s like the forty year old virgin. He travels all over the place to get some limited edition glow in the dark Skeletor. I wonder what exactly he does with them.

Exosketch is so lame, why does it even exist at all? It so frustrating using two knobs and you can’t even keep it. Have the creators even heard of “drawing?” Its a fun thing to do because you can “draw” in color and your mom can put your “drawing” on the fridge next to a C in a math test.

I could never get a slinky to work. What happens if you live in a trailer and have no steps? They should have a warning “steps are not included.” It’s another toy that can entertain me for about 26 minutes. Now devil sticks or Jesus sticks that’s entertainment!

I liked Mr. Potato Head and his bitch Mrs. Potato Head. Is there Miss Potato Head by any chance. Or how about a baby potato head? I wonder when Mrs. Potato gave birth to Baby Potato Head if they said “honey he has your eyes.” “And he has your nose. Literally.” Haha I’m hilarious. I liked switching his features around to make Transgender Head. And how about Double Agent Head where you have to go undercover

Jack in the Box is another lame toy. The clown Jack freaked me out the first couple of times. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. They should have nicer things in boxes like Yoda in the Box. Every time I need Yoda’s guidance, I will have to awake him using the light saber handle for advice. “Jedi you not. Vader you must confront.” I wonder if in the near future, if there will be holo gram in the box and you press a button instead.

Operation is a funny game. I have the X-rated version. Sometimes you have to remove things out of the ass like wrenches or mice. Sometimes you have two bodies where one person donates their kidney to little Timmy who needs it in order to live. It’s for three players. There is the anesthesiologist, head surgeon and the nurse that hands him, or her, all of the tools. “Dammit we lost another one!”

I was never a big fan of talking toys. Teddy Ruxpin was kind of creepy. I mean you pull the string on your talking Batman, or whatever, and he says like six things. You pull Batman’s string and he might say “I’m Batman.” “Yes Alfred.” “I need your help Robin.” “I need your help Robin.” “I need your help Robin.”

Girls’ toys totally sucked balls. Literally. Take Barbie. She can’t bend her arms or legs and her figure is completely disproportional. I’ve heard that in real life she wouldn’t be able to stand up. And how many Barbie dolls you really need? Why don’t you just buy one or two and have them change clothes.

I understand you need Barbie’s friends to hang out with her. “Okay sluts, hop in my bright pink Cadillac. We’re going to Old Navy to do some shopping. And back at my pink mansion we are having daiquiris.” How can Barbie try on clothes if she can’t fucking bend her arms or legs? Imagine how frustrating that would be.

By now there is pretty much every kind of Barbie. Some of them are bulimic Barbie with toilet. You have scuba diving Barbie with flippers and oxygen tank. Iraq War Barbie with her own pink helicopter. Lesbian Barbie with real life dyke hair. Breast implants Barbie and lingerie Barbie when she is feeling naughty. Oh and then there is Ken. He hates trying on clothes with Barbie.