Florida Trip Part Four: Golfing

Golfing was awesome! We went twice in Florida. I wish me and my dad would go more often. My brother on the other hand can make a wicked slap shot but is hopeless at golf. And I can’t slap shot. And my mom doesn’t want to learn.

Before I took lessons I liked par 3 courses because you don’t have to hit so far. But my dad likes the par fives. I tell my dad to let me enjoy the game and not worry that I’m not Tiger Woods before the affairs. But he does. Dammit Greg you’re lifting your head. Dammit Greg slow back swing. So I would do the slowest back swing. Okay too slow.

I took golfing lessons and wow did it help improve my swing and my game. I went to the driving range in Sarnia and was hitting plus 200 yards and straight. And I actually hit the ball catching machine. Sweet.

So in Florida I was pumped. We go to this 18 hole course with nobody there, probably because it was forecast. There weren’t people ahead or behind so we had all the time in the world. My dad never lets me drive the cart. He likes to go fast like it’s four wheeler buggy. So anyway I think I know my shit.

The first hole I hit it right into the pond. Dammit Greg I told you to go to the driving range. My next three holes were no better. I thought I was doing everything right. My dad suggests I back away from the pin slightly. And boom! I nailed it. After that it was like butter. Golfing is definitely more fun when you are good at it. I was getting pars and bogies left right and center.

However my dad doesn’t like me taking forever to hit. I do as many practice swings until I feel just right. Then I bend down and put the pin slightly deeper. And then I do as many practice swings until it feels just right. Then I make a gabbing divot and not repair it.

Normally I get pissed when I lose balls. Not anymore. I bought around thirty balls for three dollars at Good Will. But someone actually gave away driving range balls to Good Will too. So they must have stolen them or something. Who does that? So the balls were only ten cents each and I couldn’t give a shit or bother to look for one. My dad on the other hand buys two dollar balls. Why? I guess it makes his drive a few yards more. So yeah he takes forever looking for them.

Everyone knows about the gator scare by now. I still have nightmares that I’m at Twin Lakes and this Peter Pan alligator is coming at me and I’m thinking he’s going to eat my legs, he’s going to eat my legs. So no gators this time. However I was a little startled when a turtle was coming my way that I thought is was an alligator.

Now when I play, I play for each hole and not give s shit what my total score is. It just gets frustrating when you fuck up royally. I don’t count lost balls or ones in the water. What I hate is the gimme. If it was a gimme than you have a gimme and should just take two seconds to putt it in the hole. But no people get sloppy and just do the whole one hand putt that misses. I’ll admit I use mulligans all of the time if nobody is around. Some times I wish I could have a few mulligans in life.

Florida Trip Part Three: The Food

Everyone knows I love eating, especially when I smoke weed. I’m a fat person in a slim person’s body. Since I was a kid I ate all the time and wouldn’t gain an ounce. However I was pretty fat for a few years but I lost it all by working out and eating less. That’s obviously the way to do it. Too bad some of my clothes don’t fit anymore such as my boxers. Anyway in Florida I ate so much I gained five pounds. Imagine how much I’d gain if I had weed over there. The best part was that since we were staying at my aunt and uncle for free, my dad insisted to pay for every meal. And with my mom at home she won’t nag about how unhealthy our meals are. I could eat cake frosting for all I care.

Our first real meal to start off the trip was at Hooters. Remember it was just me and my dad. So what happens in Florida stays in Florida. It was the worst restaurant ever. I get better service at Taco Bell. So we had to wait forever just to get in. And we notice there were like only three waitresses in the entire restaurant. And we got the total bitch from Hell. She never smiled or joked or anything. She clearly hated her job and probably hated her life. She asks for my I.D. which feels nice, and asks where my date of birth was. So I tell her it’s on the top because we are from Canada. Normally the waitress will ask we are from and stuff. No she says, and get this; I didn’t ask where you were from. Goodbye tip. And she even got the orders wrong too.

We expected better service there and that this is part of the reason people go to Hooters. Only hot chicks are allowed to work there while the manager finds ways to fire the not hot chicks. She had a nice rack but she wasn’t even hot. They know that men are going to flirt with you or look at your tits when you’re not looking. All of this comes with the territory. The cooks weren’t any better either. Every fucking minute you hear the cooks yelling at each other. Hey Leroy where are the damn steaks! Shut your hole. And the food was terrible. Never again.

I was looking forward to eating at McDonalds every day especially when it’s cheap. I had Big Macs, Mc Nuggets and Mc Flurries. I ate like a king! So we get up early to go to the deep sea fishing. My dad wants a Mc Muffin and we order some food. Well my dad looks at the drive through and it was packed. We were sort of in a rush and so my dad goes into reverse and I’m like what are you doing? He backs up and you can hear the lady saying welcome to McDonalds and he turns around and we leave. So he totally fucked up their orders and people are going to get the wrong meal or the wrong price. He says that we are never going to be there ever again anyway. A few days later we order for here and pay for our meal. Well apparently their egg McMuffin machine wasn’t working and people were getting impatient. So there were tons of cashiers but hardly any chefs. And my dad is getting pissed off. Normally we would just leave but we already paid. It took twenty damn minutes. Clearly this wasn’t fast food. I’d get quicker meals at Red Lobster. Also aunt Marg loves spoiling me too. She made the best Egg McMuffins and BLTs.

We went to a lot of fish places and one had a buffet. Bad move because I’m going to eat so much they are going to lose money. At another fish place, up at the front there was one of those crane games. Only there no gay stuffed animals. There were lobsters. So it’s only two dollars and I thought it would be fun. I had one in the air but it fell off. So I spent eight bucks and my dad tells me to stop wasting money. Well I asked the waitress, who was it hot and kind unlike the Hooter Harpy, if people actually catch anything. She said it happens a lot and the staff cannot play anymore because they kept winning. But apparently some guy is a pro and he comes almost every week and has an almost free lobster.

Normally I go to Chinese buffets; there are like six now in Sarnia. Panda Gardens is the way to go. So we go but it was taking a while and I was eating all of the appetizers. I’d assume I could handle it but when we got our meals I needed a dog bag. What an udder disappointment for the never ending stomach. I also got a gator tail dog bag at another place and I ate it the next day and it reeked.

We ate at a lot of different pizza joints. The best pizza was at some high end pizzeria call Sardos, or something, in a rich neighborhood. It ended up costing $70 but was the best pizza and salad ever. And we get the nicest waitress and we get talking about all sorts of things. I bet she’s really happy because of all of her tips. Especially from us. We go to another joint and it was so filling I hardly touched it. We later have leftovers and I couldn’t eat anymore. I’ve become every thing I hated!

So on our way back we go to one last restaurant to cap off the trip. We knew it was Thanks Giving but assumed that the restaurants were still open. They weren’t. At least any of the good ones. We ended up going to Steak and Shake, no way to finish off our trip. And as soon as we leave we see an Apples that was open. But in a funny way I missed my moms home cooked meals and of course my weed.

Mad Poker

I hate being angry, I much rather be sad. For example if I had a dog that died I will be sad. If someone hits my dog I going to be pissed off. Now I’m a man and men don’t cry. But when I was younger I would enjoy a good cry. It makes you feel better and you start thinking about other sad things to keep you going like when you didn’t make the basketball team or when your mom says she doesn’t love you anymore.

The only thing you can do while you are angry is being angry. Now I don’t smash things when I’m angry because that doesn’t solve or accomplish anything. Sure I just broke my John Denver record because I’m mad. But when I want to hear his gentle soul I’m going to be angry and want to smash more things. Other times you feel you have to get even with whoever pissed you off. I drove all the way home and find out you forgot my fries. I going to fucking kill you bitch!

So yeah I use to be quite the spaz. I remember getting mad at my friends because they wouldn’t give back my football. However I have changed and now am very easy going. However I do have a breaking point and I snap. Like when two fucking dogs not on a leash come racing at me or when I get killed in Zelda 2 Links Adventure in the last dungeon. So in conclusion you look like an idiot and should just let some things go.

I play in a poker league named WPT but instead of winning cash you accumulate points and eventually you can play in the nationals or even Vegas and win some prizes. One dude won a fifty inch screen T.V. Now the problem most people have is that when it’s free people play differently than at the casino. Many times people go all in and figure that they will just go home if they lose. Other times people with a shitty hand like a seven two off suite bet just for the fun of it. They are called donkeys. And they actually do win a lot of times.

So I took out three angry people today and they all got pissed off with me in a fun and friendly game. The first spaz is a complete dufus and always goes fishing. I keep hearing him say oh I just needed another club or a five. He obviously has no clue about the odds. So I take him out and he was like fuck I only needed spade! So he leaves, bye.

This dude also keeps asking for a ride when he lives at the opposite side of town. Or he never has any money for pool. Once he told me he’d buy me a drink if I gave him a ride. So he goes to the bar and buys a drink for himself. I ask for a Molson Canadian and he says oh in a minute. So he buys another drink and I’m pissed off. Now he says he doesn’t have any money but again buys himself another drink. So I could get pissed off with him but I let it go. He is obviously to damn cheap or poor to spend five bucks. It’s not worth it getting all worked up.

Spaz number two is a huge buzz kill. He never smiles or says anything. He is a total spaz and every time he loses a hand he’s like what the fuck! He is a huge hypocrite and does the same thing the other way around. And when he does win he acts like an asshole. I hate being at the same table. So once again I take him out and he tells me to go play bingo or learn how to play poker. So I’m like ha-ha bye bye.

Spaz number three sort of pissed me off. At first he seemed like a nice old guy but become an asshole. I notice he was low in chips and is going to go all in anytime he gets a half decent hand. So I got an ace five and had a gut feeling and took a chance and called his all in. Well he had a king queen but didn’t hit the board and I won with ace high. And he snapped on me. He was complaining that I shouldn’t have called him with my hand and called me a donkey. Once again a donkey plays with like deuces or seven two. So he goes away and starts telling people I’m a donkey or idiot. News flash old man that is what playing poker is all about. You have to take risks and bluff every once in a while. The whole fact that I won is just a goes to show that I had a good hand. It would be pretty boring if people just threw away their hands because of the odds.

And one of the funniest things I seen was a while back is when this guy is beaten and he just loses it. He actually threw all of the chips everywhere. It was hilarious and the coordinator told him never come back. Arrg, now if I could just open a pickle jar. Arrg.

Florida Trip Part Two: Fishing

I have always loved fishing since I was wee one. I live close to Twin Lakes and used to go there all of the time. There were catfish, carp, bass, perch, and sunfish. But it is mostly only sunfish and carp. Our secret to catching carp was to throw bread crumbs onto the water to attract them. Then you tie a small hook and put on a piece of bread and allow it to float along with the rest of the bread crumbs. And then bam! You got one. The biggest fish I ever caught there was this massive catfish.

The problem now is there are too many damn geese and ducks that they will go for your bread now. I actually caught a seagull by accident once. It was flying around and freaking out. My neighbor came by and was like what the fuck are you doing Greg! Don’t worry the hook came out. Good thing because I love animals and would feel so sorry if I hurt one. Except gooses.

Anyway back to fishing in Florida. There was a small pond and a large pond at our retirement community. I asked others how the fishing was and there are bass and huge carps out there. Fellow fishermen were using worms, rubbers, lures and corn. I didn’t have any bait so I tried bacon.

So I cast out and reel it in to make sure is stayed on. I cast it again and I already have hooked this massive fish. Or so I thought. Another fisherman came by to help me out. This went on for like ten minutes and it was giving me the fight of lifetime. It was like me fighting the Mike Tyson of fish. My arm was killing me.

People started gathering around and nobody knew what it was. Finally I land it and it was this massive turtle. This thing had to be like forty pounds. So I’m feeling so sad for it and we had to cut the line. But no worries they guy assured me it will rust and fall out on its own. I hope. So I thought this was a freak accident. And twenty minutes later I see the same damn turtle’s head popping out right by my bobber and I was like fuck you turtle and reeled in as quick as possible with it following it. I should have made turtle soup. Wait what am I thinking. I don’t like soup.

So I tried the other pond and nothing. I kept getting my two dollar lures snagged and shit. So this maintenance guy suggested using corn. He said to buy a particular can of corn. You throw some in so they can smell it and you use a small hook. Well I forgot which kind of corn to get because I was tangling it right in front of some big carps and nothing.

Anyway I was wearing a new pair of crocs I got at the flea market for five bucks. And all of the sudden I feel these bites on my feet. I look down and I’m standing on this fucking massive fire ant hill. There were like thirty ants crawling on my feet and ankles. I freak out and run away. The next day there were all of these bite marks on my right foot.

So one day we went to the coast to do some salt water fishing. So I don’t catch anything at all in the ponds but after only five minutes I catch this small fish. They were going wild over my bacon. However I don’t know how to properly tie a hook and I lost a few.  Or I would get my line snagged and was losing my bobbers fast. Funny thing is that I found the small fishing stores’ merchandise was way cheaper than at Wal-Mart.

Anyway I caught a fair amount of fish. At one point I cast out my line but it was tangled and I almost whipped it right in the face. Later another fisherman was leaving and gave me some large shrimp. Remember this tidbit for later.

But the best fishing was deep sea fishing. You can potentially catch anything. The past two times I got sick half way through so I took three gravel pills just to be safe. I felt great. So we went an hour out in the ocean and saw some dolphins jumping around. They were putting on a quite of show for us. Too bad my dad left the camera back in the community living residence. Or trailer. We also saw this huge orange sea turtle.

So we were using squid and small fish that we already caught. I let my line down and bam! I caught the first fish on the boat. Everybody was catching fish like crazy, especially sea bass. The problem was that the boat was over crowded and people kept getting their lines tangled. I thought I had this massive fish that was bending my rod like crazy. So I ask for help and it turns out I snagged someone else’s line underneath the boat on the opposite side. It happened a lot.

People were catching all kinds of fish including sharks. There were four people having their lines crossed around one big shark. I was jealous; I wanted a shark bad. So we were about to leave and then bam! I caught me a blue eyed shark. One guy took a picture and emailed it to us. At the angle it doesn’t look like much but it was really wide. But who cares I got me a shark!

Anyway I left corn, bacon and those large shrimp in my tackle box for three days. Wow did it reek. There were bugs and this rancid smell. My dad insisted to clean it out or we’re not bringing it back in the new SUV smelling it up and shit. So I took every lure and item out and used heavy heavy duty cleaners to wash them. And I threw the rest of the shit in the community dumpster and now it’s their problem now.

Florida Trip Part One: the Road Trip

The road trip was surprisingly fun. I planned on watching a Lost marathon but didn’t even use my portable DVD playa. My dad loves driving and we like listening to music. And I know I would never try driving his new Lincoln SUV. Or any car really. I get nervous just watching my dad drive; he speeds and drives very close to other cars. So he tells me to watch out the window and not worry because he has not got into a single accident while I have.

Dad tried a different route this time towards Florida knowing it would be longer but thinking it would be more scenic. He was wrong. All there was were mountains and forests and hardly any rest stops or towns. So this was all new to him and dad needed my help. I’m a horrible navigator, I still get lost in my own town. He asks me which road is coming up and to get the map out and try to find Chattanooga. No Greg that’s a brochure and clearly not a map. Good thing my dad has a built in GPS we called the Bitch because she never shuts up. Dammit Bitch I thought I pressed mute and told you we are going to McDonalds to have two delicious Big Macs.

So there are actually three options on how fast to go. There is fastest route, shortest route and economical route. Why wouldn’t you just choose fastest route? I don’t know. But my dad was curious and tries the shortest route thinking it would be scenic, once again. Well it took forever and led down town with like thirty lights. Shut up bitch you’re leading us to into a pond. However we did see a deer off to the side of the road. What a beautiful animal. Then we saw three dead carcasses. Not so beautiful.

.

I like seeing other cars and where they are from. We finally pull up to a much needed rest stop and two other Lincolns pull up beside us. I notice one car was from Ontario and I ask where they were from and guess what; they were from Sarnia and live on

Twin Lakes Drive

. Small world eh.

My dad has satellite and we were bargaining on what kind of music to listen to. Except for a few bands like the Beatles and the Beach Boys I don’t like anything before the 70s. My dad doesn’t care for a lot of new music either. So we agreed on listening to the 80s. Which was fun at first but we find out that its either on a three hour loop or the DJ hasn’t heard from any other songs from the 80s. We had to raise the volume on ACDC, both me and dad's favorite band. And we actually had to mute some of the songs like Prince or Culture Club.

I like looking at billboards. My favorites are the Christian ones pushing their insane religion upon us. They actually had a sign saying something like homosexuality is an abomination Lexus 33.  Funny I have never heard anything like that in the Bible. There were some sings saying Hell is Real. And there were signs saying Jesus loves you. Speaking of which, my mom put up a sign saying keep Christ in Christmas while we were gone. Good Lord. I love the adult store signs, not too appropriate for child passengers. One was: strippers, need we say more? And my favorite, McDonalds coming up ahead in 20 miles. I also like the stores bragging that they are the biggest. I actually seen three Christmas stores claming they are the largest in the States. They might as well claim they are the biggest in the Universe. Or even the Multi Universe if you believe in parallel dimensions.

There were a variety of awesome cars and shitty cars. One Mexican dude was trying to sell his beat up car with duck tape windows and a spoiler on top of another spoiler. I don’t even think you could pay someone to take it off his hands. There was a humvee taking two fucking lanes. Why do people even get humvee bewilders me. There were a lot of bad American drivers too. This one guy kept passing us and then slowing down. I finally gave him the finger. Or a number of trucks take five minutes slowing passing another truck pretty much the same speed.

Me and my dad have these competitions such as the first person to spot a palm tree or when we will arrive in another state. So after two days we come upon Vero Beach with no problems or accidents. And only an hour away we are stuck in a huge traffic jam.

On the way back the bridge was backed up. There were three lanes. One for cars, one for trucks and one for Nexus. With Nexus you pay a flat fee for quicker trips over the bridge, which of course is used for people who make a lot of trips over the bridge. So there was a long lineup for normal drivers and a short lane for Nexus. To indicate you have Nexus you use your four way lights. Well idiot asshole isn’t aware of this and just drives down the Nexus lane and tries to get into our lane ahead of everyone else who has been waiting forever. Honestly what was he thinking? Hmm, there is nobody in the center lane, I wonder why. Well I will just drive down and later merge in the car lane. Ha-ha nobody would let him in. I wish he had no choice but to come up to the Nexus booth and claim he is an incompetent idiot.

Well me and Marg were talking about accidents and she shared me a funny story. Of course I butcher every story I tell so bare with me. In Wallaceburg she was behind a piece of shit van at a stop sign with no other cars insight. She was clearly a hippy. So she stops at the sign and then speeds away and Marg follows her and then out of nowhere she abruptly slams on the breaks and Marg hardly hits her. I forget the details but they shared information and everything. Then she pulls the whole I badly injured my neck. So asshole goes to court and wins like a $10000. That’s right a $10000. Apparently it would be easier for the insurance company to just shut her up and give away the money. What a scam it sounds so typical. I bet she had a neck brace, a greedy lawyer and a phony doctor. And guess what. Marg heard she did the exact same thing to someone else and wins another $10000. I hope she actually breaks her neck or get sued by someone else for a million dollars.

I’m Back from Florida!

Florida was fucking awesome! I wish I was there all winter. I did more in those two weeks than I did all summer. The weather was perfect and it hardly rained. I did many activates like playing poker, going fishing, playing golf, shooting pool, playing tennis, swimming, playing video games, drinking in the sun and of course kicking it with my fellow retires.

Only me and my dad went to Florida this time around and met up with my favorite uncle and aunt Bob and Margaret. Despite everyone wishing my mom to come, she stayed home. This in a way is a vacation for her not having to cook supper for us or unite my shoes when they are tied in a knot.

But I’m happy to be home and back to work after a nice, refreshing and much needed vacation. And by work I mean getting stoned and playing video games. Well I knew as soon as we left the driveway my mom went straight into room to look around my shit. Her excuse usually was that she was cleaning my room and found my weed. So after two weeks I saved a big joint to smoke. Either she didn’t find it because I either did a great job hiding it or she has finally accepted that I’m a pothead.

So I have written a massive five part blog about my trip to Florida and expect more blogs to come.

Snow Birds

So I’m off to Florida with my Dad tomorrow. If it wasn’t for friends and family I would stay there forever. I would love to be a mailman there. All you do is walk around in nice weather and listen to your Ipod. You wouldn’t ever have to think again. That would kickass!

Sure it’s nice in the spring and summer but winters sucks ass in Canada. I realize I spend most of my time in my room playing video games but I like to go for walks and smoke weed. Tons of people have commentated on seeing me all the time. I’ve almost became an icon. But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Some dude called me fag and drove off. And it got to me. Fag! What the fuck! Why did he call me a fag? I’m not a fag. He doesn’t even know who I am. He’s the one who is a fag. Fucking fag.

As kids snow was awesome. My mom has a picture of me and my first snowman who I called Frosty. He didn’t come to life and it was a piece of shit. I used stones and twigs and a carrot. But he died in a horrible death as he melted into water. Snow forts and snow ball fights were awesome too. I’d let mine melt just a little. Of course I don’t know how to throw. I throw worse than paraplegic girl.

Skating and playing on the ponds kicked as too. I was always worried about the ice cracking and falling beneath. I don’t know if you die from drowning or the freezing cold.

So my brother would be like oh its fine no worries. Are you sure? The sign says skate at your own risk. And guess what? It broke underneath me and I died. Ha, just kidding, I’m fine.

Anyway once again I have no idea where I’m going with this. I just start writing and get way off track. It’s how my mind works. As you can clearly see I’m getting off track as I’m writing this. I was writing about Florida.

It’s only me and my dad who are going this time. I guess my mom would be happy to not have to cook or clean the house. I bet she will be watching the View or chick flicks and eating chocolate. So we are meeting up with my favorite aunt and uncle. They are the coolest. My aunt is like 60 years old but looks like she is 40. We always get into these deep theological debates about pretty much anything. She’s also wiz at sudoku

Editor’s note: My computer doesn’t know the word sudoku exists. Microsoft Word has done this before. Who the fuck has written this dictionary that doesn’t know of the popular game sudoku. This happens with other relatively common words too.

So I just finished packing. I bought a huge hockey bag at Goodwill to put my clothes in. And my mom keeps giving me more clothes. She has to relax. I’m already wearing jeans but my mom packed two more and I know I won’t wear them. Whats the worse that could possibly happen by only bringing two jeans? What this I got ketchup and pukes stains on both of mine jeans. Holy shit my mom was right. It’s too cold out to wear shorts to go to the dry cleaners. What am I going to do? I guess its catch 22. And she keeps asking if we have every thing like were are climbing fucking Mt Everest. I forgot my shaving cream, drive back home I can’t go on without it.

So I’m bringing my portable DVD playa to watch in the car. I’m bringing Lost. I got seasons one and two for five bucks each at Goodwill. Sweet. I know Lost would be like forty dollars at Sunset or Wal-Mart. And the thing is that like a lot of shows the first two seasons are the best. I love Goodwill, I get a great deals on everything like older DVDS and even golf balls. I also got the Butterfly Effect and Space Balls the other day. If uh you give a shit.

I’m excited to play my DS games out in the sun. This time I only am bringing ten DS games. I currently playing Professor Layton; it’s a kind of like a puzzle and mystery game in one. Next I planning on playing Chrono Trigger; a Super Nes classic. But I’m sure I will be busy with my fellow retirees. If you don’t already know is that I’m in reverse retirement. I plan on not working until I’m 60. Why waste the best years of my life working at Subway. Mmm. Subway. I like to get a foot long pizza sub.

And I like old ladies. They are experienced and they know what they want. And what happens in Florida stays in Florida. Too bad that Bettie White is the only surviving Golden Girl and her show Hot in Cleveland will be cut short when she has a stroke. And I’m off track again.

I plan on going fishing, golfing, swimming and just kickin it in the hot tub. Life is good. So I will be gone for two weeks and will take a break from writing I Have Issues. But don’t worry I will have many of adventures to be told when I come home. And of course I will be without the weed for two weeks. It will be it will be good for the lungs to take a breather. But no worries I plan on drinking cheap beer on the steps like a porch monkey. So ha ha enjoy the weather while I’ll be getting be basking in the sun and having an awesome time.

Transformers

Transgenders Men in Disguise

Remember the Transformers? They were created in the 80s and kicked ass. The new action figures look like pussies compared to them. I don’t even know if the new Transformers can actually transform. Obviously these robots can turn into other vehicles. The good guys are the Autobots and they pretty much turn into automobiles. I prefer the bad guys the Decepticons because they can turn into airplanes or other machines.

I forget what they were fighting for. I think the Decepticons were after energy cubes or some shit and attacked Earth for them. And the Autobots defend Earth and befriend with us. I think that’s the best plot they could come up with. I think the whole reason of the show was to promote the toys.

Being in the 80s the Transformers seem a bit outdated. I don’t even know if they pass the ignition test.  I think their windows had to be manually rolled down and there are no cup holders. I highly doubt that they have GPS or a CD playa.

Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots and can turn into a semi freightliner. I don’t know where the back end of the truck goes when he transforms; but whatever. What does he have to transport anyway?  Since he is a truck driver he uses a lot of methamphetamine and has satellite. He likes listening to 80s Rock and the Howard Stern show. He likes to pick up hitchhikers for blow jobs.

Bumblebee is the smallest of the Autobots and everyone’s favorite. He can turn into a Volkswagen Beetle and is easy to parallel park and he gets good mileage. I think he is just a little jealous of the other cars. I think I would rather be a Lamborghini.

Prowl is the pig, I mean police car. He can speed and run red lights and park anywhere. So in car form he will pull over a speeder or whoever. The suspect might freak seeing a driverless car pulling him over. Then he turns into a fucking robot and asks for the suspect step out of the vehicle. The problem is that it’s pretty difficult to get the criminal in the back street while he’s a car.

Jazz loves his music; he has surround speakers and huge amplifier that you can hear three miles away. Just don’t drive in him or you’ll go deaf. He has the best cassette player around and has a wide assortment of Madonna and Prince tapes.

There are also female Transformers who look pretty for the other transformers. They have metal boobs and tight bodies. I think one of them can turn into an oven or another one turns into a vacuum.

I wonder if there is a school bus Autobot. The problem would be if he accidentally turns back into a robot while the kids were inside. The kids would be crushed and killed. Whoops, I just decapitated little Timmy. My bad.

Megatron is the badass leader of the Decepticons and can turn into a giant death laser. A powerful weapon but not too fun. He has to hitch a ride from one of the other Decepticons anywhere he wants to go.

Starscream is the fighter jet and next in command. However he wants to be number one and is always plotting against Megatron. I mean the Autobots are driving around in their fifty thousand dollar cars and Starscream is a multi million dollar Eagle and could easily bomb the shit of everyone including a Megatron. I hate his screeching voice.

Sound Wave is my favorite Decepticon. He is one giant cassette player and can dish out mini cassette transformers. I think he is just a bit outdated though. Maybe he should shoot out Iphones or CDs. He gets really annoyed when he tries to download Itunes and it won’t let him. He enjoys Metallica and ACDC.

The Devastator is fearsome. The robot is actually six transformers that can turn into one giant transformer. The transformers are construction vehicles. Why I don’t know? Are they used to build homes, secret bases or a new Denny’s? What happens if the Autobots destroy one of the construction machines and they can’t become Devastator anymore? All of the Transformers are fighting each other and call the can do is move dirt around or pave roads.

Then there is the stoner Weedy who can turn into a giant bong. He’s against war and likes to protest everything but usually just gets stoned and watches Charles in Charge. He really shouldn’t drive because he’s always stoned. He might get pulled over by a cop for going too slow. The cop looks into the car and sees nothing but a cloud of smoke and freaks out.

If I had to choose whatever I wanted to be I’d be a black hawk helicopter named Chopper. I would have anti aircraft armor and heat seeking missiles. I could easily land anywhere I want. Too bad I would be enlisted to go to Iraq while the rest of the world is fighting giant robots for Earth’s survival.

You never really do choose what you transform into. I think the guy who was chosen to turn into a dump truck is just a little pissed off. I don’t know what he does with the garbage. Hey fucker, you’re not disposing that television or that rancid shit. I can’t even fit into a car wash for fucks sake. I had to be cleaned with a power wash.

It’s impossible to fill up with gas alone. I think at first the clerk looks at an empty car pulling up and thinking what the fuck! Then he turns into a robot and asks the clerk to fill him up. He turns back into the car and lets the clerk fill him with premium gas. Then he turns back into the robot to pay the clerk. And then he switches back into the car and drives away.

Is it just one giant coincidence that they happen to turn into the very vehicles we humans were driving at the very same time? What happened if the Transformers visited Earth during the early 20s? The Transformers would turn into these shitty cars or even horse buggies. Megatron would turn into a rifle and Star Scream would be this shitty airplane that needs someone to start his propellers and one long fucking runway.

Welcome to Hell Dude.

Here is another blog only for atheists. So once again don’t read it you’re not an atheists, it will only just piss you off or get you down. I’ve already written about it but here are more of my thoughts about the afterlife.

I don’t know how much the Good Book describes Heaven. You’d think they would at least devote a chapter about the after life. They have chapters with all of this useless information like genealogy of Abraham. The thing is that nobody quite knows what Heaven is like because you can’t come back to Earth and tell everyone. And I don‘t believe in ghosts.

I wonder who the first person in Heaven was. God would be like congratulations you’re the first person to make it; do you want anything to drink? So I’m God and I’ll tell you everything you want to know. Good thing we can have some one on one time because down the road everyone would want to meet me, it gets annoying. How about a game of squash with your maker?

I also wonder about the gates of Heaven are like and who manned the gates before the first bouncer Saint Peter came along. You could have sinners trying to sneak in. Welcome stranger take a number and wait in the next room. I realize it’s a bitch waiting, so how about reading Jesus Weekly or People.

So where is Heaven anyway? Is it in the clouds or some other dimension? And is Hell in the center of Earth. I’m pretty confident that we would eventually come across Heaven. This is your captain speaking, we will be going upwards a thousand feet and what the fuck is that? Is that Heaven? No it couldn’t be. Well I’d be a monkey’s uncle I see God.

The thing is that Heaven would be a millions times bigger than Earth because of so many people live there and it gets crowded. Well sir you met the requirements but you have to go to Hell because Heaven is chalk full and nobody is leaving.

I never quite understood the requirements to entering Heaven. Well little Timmy you barely passed the test and you’re free to enter. Had you made a little more mistakes or stole another Twix you’d be going to Hell.

I wonder what Heaven is like. What exactly do you do forever? I’m sure people would get bored after playing Jesus in chess a million times. Are there free Big Macs or free back massages or free pony rides. And can you commit any sins while in Heaven?

How old would you be in Heaven? For example let’s say a baby gets killed, and then would he be a baby forever. Or conversely would Grandpa be an old geezer in Heaven? My theory is that if there was Heaven than it would be exclusive for each individual. I’m sure Elvis, if he was dead, would hate being pestered all day from fans.

You always hear about sins and forgiveness. I’m a good person and I help people because I want others to be happy. I do this for out of good will and not just to get brownie points and go to Heaven. When is the last time you committed a sin? I think I scratched another guy’s car and drove off. I also laughed when I saw an old lady fall.

So Jesus died for our sins. Then why the fuck do we still go to Hell if he died for our sins. So what if Jesus died on the cross for us. Hey Jesus thousands of people have been crucified or even worse. I’ve seen people burn to death or die of flesh eating bacteria.

At what point does a person become a person in the eyes of the Lord. Can a two day old fetus go to Heaven if killed? What would be Heaven for them anyway if they haven’t experienced anything and are just a couple of cells? And why can’t animals to go to Heaven. What happens if someone was going to change their ways and become a good person but is killed before they had that opportunity? And can you do bad things in Heaven?

So God loves us but casts sinners to Hell to burn forever! But let me get this straight, the Devil wants you to do bad things than why would he punish everyone for doing what he wants them to do. It would be one gigantic party where anything goes. Anyway I’m sure I going to straight to Hell. If there was one.

Scooby Doobie Doobie Doo

Remember Scooby Doobie Doo? It’s one of my favorite cartoons that began in the early 70s, as you can tell by their clothing. If it wasn’t for Fred tapping Dahpine’s ass I’d say he was gay. Who wears a red ascot anyway?

So the show stars the pet dog Scooby Doobie Doo and a gang of teenagers.  The whole premise of the show is that the gang looks for mysteries to solve. But they are no Sherlock homes nor are the mysteries clever.

Scooby Doobie Doo is the Great Dane that can kind of talk. His name is an obvious reference to marijuana joints. And Scooby and Shaggy always get the munchies and would eat these eight foot stacked sandwiches. Where are they getting all the ingredients? Do they go to Subway and order 50 subs? Scooby doesn’t eat dog food. Here Scooby how about pedigree. Noo pedddiffee, I rufnt sandrriches.

Shaggy is pretty much useless. All he does is run away and eat. I don’t even know why they bring him along. He doesn’t shave; I think he needs Mach 5 Turbo. He will be like well Scooby I am really stoned. Do you ever wonder if in all the vast universe that there are aliens out there who also wonder if we exist? Ruff right.

Fred is the go getter leader. He paid $300 for shoes and sports a nifty neck ascot which got really out of style by the 80s. He played football but fucked up his knee. He decided to form a team of mystery solvers to investigate mysteries for no fee.

Velma is the book worm dyke. She has short lesbian hair and a mini skirt that someone that ugly shouldn’t be wearing. Her glasses always happen to fall off and she is blind without them. Then she will be looking around and mistake the ghost for Fred. Is that you Fred? Wait you’re not Fred you’re the the, holy fucking shit! Hey bitch wear contact lenses for Christ’s sake.

Daphne is the red hair hotty with a tight ass. She looks like a 60s flight attendant and likes the color purple. Her whole purpose is to get into danger or trapped. Hey bitch carry a gun or mace or even a cell phone. Why do they always split up, I don’t know.

The gang rides the Mystery Machine which is a painted Chevy Van. I noticed they all sit at front and not at the back so people can see them all. I hope they all have seatbelts. Like most dogs Scooby should have his head out the window because dogs like that. I wonder what took place at the dealership. So you’re looking for a van to get to the mysteries. Well you’re at luck; we have one Mystery Machine left in green.

Scooby loves his Scooby snacks and are therefore named after him. I don’t know what hey put in them but it gives Scooby courage like beer gives me liquid courage. The guys would be here Scooby has some snacks and go investigate that fire. Ruff okay. I wonder what is in Scooby snacks and if they have a growth opt in Panama.

I noticed they always have this whole running scene where everyone is running and opening and closing doors. They never seem to lead anywhere and at one point they have Shaggy chasing the ghosts.

You would think by now that they would figure out that there are no such things as ghosts or other creatures. They always unmask the culprit and find out it was the janitor all along. I don’t know where these criminals buy their costumes? The funny part is that they have the worst motives. Normally criminals do it for the money or revenge. These criminals might want to dress up as a big foot to scare McDonald customers to make way for a Harvey’s. And all of the culprits say that: I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!

I wonder if they ever have to investigate a double homicide. Scooby can use his nose to find the trail of blood and semen. Shaggy would be like hey Scooby I think the victim was brutally raped and cut up into pieces. And her face was cut off so the killer can wear it as a mask. And I got the munchies. It’s sad that Scooby contracted rabies and was not on a leash when he attacked little Timmy. Scooby had to be put down.

Flint Stoners

Yabba dabba do! Remember the Flint Stones? The show was on the air during the early 60s and mixed cave man technology with a modern lifestyle. For example when Fred’s having a shower he uses the wooly mammoth trunk for water. Which I would find a little awkward having a wooly mammoth watching you shower. Dammit you wooly mammoth I’m sick of all this cold water!

All of their names sound prehistoric or somehow relate to stones. Fred the main characters is married to Wilma and have a daughter is Pebbles.  Their friends are Barney and Bettie and adopted Bamm Bamm, who is in desperate need for some Ritalin.

Fred is going to have a heart attack any time now. He works at the quarry and he’s always in a grumpy mood and overweight. His boss Mr. Slate is a dick. He sees the doctor who tells Fred that he has high cholesterol and asks what you are eating? Well we like dino ribs, giant hogs, Stegosaurus eggs and ten boxes of Kraft macaroni.

I wonder how Fred could get such hotty because Wilma is one fine bitch. Did he go to one dating service or did he just club her. Hey Wilma I’m not wearing any pants or even underwear. Let’s get freaky. Okay dinosaur lights off.

I don’t recall Wilma being pregnant but she must have given birth to Pebbles. I wonder if they looked at a baby names book. Well we have Amy, Shale, Blossom, Marble, and Bertha and oh Pebbles. Pebbles Flintstone what a perfect name.

I think Bettie should teach their adopted son Bamm Bamm to talk. All he says is bam bam and breaks shit. Hey Bettie learn to how to discipline your son. Take away his club or smack him in the ass with a wooden spoon. It worked for me.

Dino is the pet dinosaur that acts as a dog. He must eat four tons of pedigree for dinosaurs. And he must shit a ton. Imagine walking down the road and he has to go take a dump. That would be one hell of a mess and I don’t thing a plastic bag would suffice.

I don’t think the pet saber tooth tiger is a good idea. What are they Siegfried and Roy? The tiger could snap anytime and eat poor little Timmy. Once again they would need one hell of a kitty litter and tons of catnip.

I noticed that the cavemen don’t wearing any socks or pants. I wonder what happens when Fred sits down and you see his hairy junk. I mean he’s wearing a tie but with no pants for Christ’s sake. I guess he must use stone tablets to wipe his ass.

So they have cars but they have to use their feet, which kind of defeats the whole purpose. They don’t even wear shoes and I don’t understand how the auto can turn? What happens if a prehistoric squirrel darts across the street? They would all have to break all at the same time or go in reverse all at the same time. I wonder how well the cars are on gas? Luckily the wheels are made of rock and you shouldn’t have to worry about getting a flat tire. And I don’t recall any trains.

I’m sure they use pterodactyls as air planes. This is the pilot speaking on the pterodactyl express, please be seated while the dinosaur begins takeoff. And please don’t use electronics because it could fuck with the pterarodactly’s small brain. We will be serving fruity pebbles.

You never really see a velociraptor eating people. I don’t know if they have dinosaur guns or spears or whatever to protect themselves.

Did you know that a cigarette company named Winston cigarettes sponsored the Flintstones? Fred and Barney are actually seen smoking them while their wives did housework. Look it up on Youtube it’s hilarious. It’s like the cartoon Joe Camel and not very appropriate for a children’s cartoon.

Now the early 60s seem kind of not modern. You don’t see any rock laptops or rock cell phones. I think they would use an actual mouse and just a block as the screen. I don’t know if the have micro waves or even basketballs.

I use to love Flintstone vitamins and also Flintstone ecstasy. They’re chewable and I won’t get the pill longed in my throat. My favorite is the car. It’s just that for grown man I need a handful of Flintstones pills or three Centrum. Why three? Well if one is good for you than logically three will be three times as good.