Cat Bugler

Do you remember in kindergarten when the teacher asked what you wanted to be when you grow up? A lot of the kids said “teacher” and I bet the teacher loved that. There were chefs, doctors, dentists, pilots and fireman or firewoman. Nobody wanted to be a priest because that’s so gay.

However some were very unlikely, if possible, such as an astronaut, star actor, pop singer or Schwarzenegger. But the teacher would let them dream and let someone else break those dreams later on in their life.

All of the girls wanted to be marine biologists. I hope they don’t care if they have to leave their family and friends behind because there are no marine biologists in Canada. If there was, you would be researching zebra muscles and how zebra muscles affect our ecosystem. Unless you work at Marine Land in Viagra Falls. I mean Niagara Falls.

There's a place I know in Ontario
Where the sealions kiss, so the story goes
It's amazing shows and Friendship Cove

Everyone loves Marine Land
You'll be spinning, diving and soaring high
Our roller coaster ride will fly you to the sky
Now you know what you'll say when you leave here today
Everyone loves Marine Land

Firepeople is a popular choice for kids. I would not want to be one though because fire is my only weakness. Imagine you’re playing Zelda and haven’t saved in a while and the sirens go off. “Give me two minutes please I have to save it or else I have to do it all over again.”

More realistic jobs would be housewife or househusband, waiter, skyscraper windshield wiper, Kiwki Mart clerk, reverse retiree or Little Caesars pizza deliveryman.

I bet few people are actually what they wanted to be as a kid. Whether or not that’s a good thing. Whoever wanted to be janitor, drug dealer or a hooker as their future profession? And who would of thought they will be working at Amazon.com?

You know what I wanted to be? I wanted to be a robber. Seriously, I wanted to be robber. And one other kid wanted to be a cop. I thought it would be fun robbing banks or people’s homes, getting rich and not having to work. Funny, Dane Cook made this joke that he wants to break and enter someone’s home and not take anything. Then the people would be like what the fuck did he steal?

The best time to rob is in the winter on cold and snowy days. Why? Because if you are wearing a black mask with stripped suite nobody would be the wiser. It would be much harder in the summer wearing a black mask and pants. You would look like you’re about to play rugby or rob a bank.

What if someone recognizes you? “Hey Greg Whats with the get up, its summertime dude.” “Oh you didn’t hear. I got burns all over my body and I am a hideous freak.” “Oh shit dude! What happened?” “Well I was saving a little kitten in a fire and got fourth degree burns in the rescue of that kitten. Then the kitten had to be put down and now nobody could love me.”  

I never did become a robber. I guess I grew a conscience and am unable to find guns in Canada. I still loved playing cops and robbers as a kid. Of course everyone wants to be the robbers. But I’m too old for this shit.

If I had to seriously rob someone; it would be at the ATM. Once again it would be winter and very late at night. I would be wearing a mask and I would leave clothes around the corner to change into to for my getaway.

I’d wait for an old lady to come in. Then I’d threaten her with a pair of Sai and I take her phone. I would keep it for that Angry Bird game I’ve been meaning to play. I would say “don’t move or else I will fucking slit your throat grandma and feed you to my fucking dogs!”

I would grab her bank card and demand the password or “I will fucking stab you in the left fucking eye!” Then I would grab an empty envelope and pretend to deposit a thousand dollars and then withdraw as much money as possible.

Then I would tell her to “stay and count from a 100 or else I will murder her grandchildren.” I would ditch the clothes and put on the spare ones I left and disappear into the night. And then I would spend it on the crack I badly needed and the whole reason for the robbery.

If had to rob my friends this is what I’d do and steal. I would stakeout at Irving’s place until Jason and Lisa are gone. Then I would cut a hole in the door and unlock it. Once in, I would have something to eat and drink after a long stakeout. Then I would take all of their movies and video games. They would never think I had it in me. And since nobody plays video games with me at my place they would never know.

Then I’d hit Stickleys in Toronto. I could stay at Mc Cools if he wanted be my accomplice and if he loves danger and intrigue. I would wait the front of Stics’ apartment and eventually someone would let me in. Then I’d use my gizmos and pick open his lock. And there it is his most valuable item; his $3000 Mac and all of his important documents and his prized porno collection.

I would then rob Aaron because he’s rich. I might be visiting him in the spring and that would be the perfect alibi. Once I’m alone I would find his safe and use my knowledge of cracking into safes that I learned at Spy camp. Then I’d would take all of his gold and treasures and hide them in a safe place until I fly home. I’d tell him I won the lottery and bought a segway with it. And I’d tell him that this Mexican person looked pretty suspicious.

But what job would I like for real?  I would love to be a video game designer. I think I wanted to be one back  in grade six when I was learning Hyper Card. I have no skills in art or programming but I have ideas. Some ideas are a new Road Rage game, an outer space flight MMORPP where you can steal other spaceships, a realistic Zombie RPG and Greg the Video Game.

Jesus Christ Superstar

Jesus is a brilliant man, if he was a man. He was born of a virgin mother Mary. How can a virgin have a child? Well I heard it was God’s seed or some shit. So did God rape her or did he take her out to a fancy restaurant and made sweet love to her on the beach. Either way he coveted another man’s wife. And why is he God’s only child because I thought we are all of his children.

When and how did Mary find out she was pregnant? I don’t know if they had First Response back then. Mary never looked up pregnancy tests and there was wide speculation that she cheated poor Joseph. However she was adamant that the man upstairs got her knocked up.

Either way I don’t know how Joseph feels about it having sloppy seconds to Mary; if he actually got laid at all. One thing is true; God has got to be huge. So for the rest of his life he was Jesus’ step dad. I bet Jesus called him Joe. You never really hear much about Joseph in the rest of the bible. Haha loser.

How did anyone know Jesus was actually God’s only son? The prophets could be full of shit. I know Mary could be unwavering in her own scheme of cheating to poor Joseph. So how did anyone else know?

Mary and Joseph couldn’t find a place so they had the Lord’s only son in a manger. With goat shit. Now if you look at mangers the wise men were already there. Hey “wise man where the fuck were you an hour ago? We gave birth on some fucking straw. Where the fuck was your gold, myrrh and frankenstein then.” So he Lord is born in a heap of animal shit. I don’t know how the wise guys found it by starlight. What happens if they went to the wrong manger and God’s only son is actually Brian?

Speaking of names I wonder how Mary landed on Jesus. Records show that Mary was using a baby name book and was deciding on Ken, Stan or Jesus. Or Jessica if she was a girl. But she didn’t want a common name like Ken and chose Jesus. Too bad tons of people are still named Jesus, which isn’t cool. How do you get a pizza ordered with the name Jesus? Or “Hi welcome to Burger King my name is Jesus, how can I help you?”

So we all know Jesus’ birthday just so happens on the same day as Christmas. So yes we have to go to an overcrowded church when we could be home opening presents and playing Zelda.

The bible completely skips his childhood. I guess he had an awkward childhood. Did the kids make fun of him because he was God’s only son? “Hey Jebus, nice hair and sandals. Do you want to fight?” “Ya were is your savior now?” And Jesus is like “God why have you forsaken me?”

So yeah the bible skips a huge chuck of his life and boom he is in his thirties. I don’t recall any cell phone pics of him but I guess he has long hair and a kickass beard.

What I don’t like about Jesus is that he claims himself as the only son of God. Did Jesus have any sisters? But I admire him. He preaches forgiveness and to love your neighbor. He champions the poor and helpless, which is great.

Other religions including Jews promote war and death to the imbecile. That’s why I don’t like those crazy religions; especially Islam because of their backward logic and how they treat their woman.

So he walked around Israel preaching. I guess they didn’t have dune buggies back then. He gave sight to the blind, healed the leopards and raised zombies. They should have lineups for all of this healing stuff. Were leopards waiting in line for three days and losing body parts fast?

I think Jesus had the hots for Mary Magdalene. “How much do you want you slut?” “Oh Jesus it’s free for you. You can do what ever you want.” “Oh you are a hoar. I will cum again. Haha.” Later on Mary is texting Jesus and pissed off because he didn’t call her. “Look bitch I have people waiting to see! And you’re getting fat.”

Jesus performed many other miracles. I like the one where they have a loaf of bread and some Captain Jack fish sticks. People are eating the food and wondering where the fuck is it coming from. I want to know how Jesus cooked and skinned all of this fish and how dated the bread is.

My favorite one is when Jesus turned the water into wine. That would be an awesome power to have. I’m pretty sure he simply spiked the water but he was the savior of that party. And an alcoholic. I mean how hard will it be to try to kick your addiction with water being everywhere.

And like Link’s Adventure he can walk on water, another cool skill to have. Instead of a carpenter I think he should have been a life guard or a human buoy. Or he should have been on Baywatch.

Then he has to die. One day people are waving palms leaves to him and the next week you’re enemy number one. So he knows he’s going to die and wants to hold a last supper. They got Swiss Chalet and a microwave dinner. Peter doesn’t like Swiss Chalet. Then he cleans their feet and gives a foot rub for all of the Apostles.

Jesus says that one of you will betrayal me. But he knows who it is and wants to play a psychological game with them. The apostles are paranoid and thinking who is the rat. Judas is the one who rather live. He’s the one holding the dagger in the Last Supper painting done by Leonardo DaVinci..

So Pontius Pilot feels a bit guilty for punishing an innocent man, thinking he is just nuts, and decides to whip him. Whip him good. But the Jews want him crucified big time.  And now because of this one incident many Christians hold these thousand year long grudges because some Jews who they never met killed their savior. And Mel Gibson makes himself look like a jackass. But hey he knew it was coming and he himself is what; get this, a Jew?

Then there are the Stations of the Cross. What I don’t get is why does he carry a huge cross that they are going to nail him to. Why doesn’t he just say “no, fuck you asshole!” and run away. What are they going to do with him now? What’s worse than being crucified? Touché. So he becomes the biggest martyr ever.

Witnesses are asking why he doesn’t use his superpowers and obliterate everyone he hates? My favorite line is that “he died for our sins.” Hmm. If he died for our sins than even Hitler will forgiven. There would be no Hell. Even so I haven’t committed any “sins” for a long time. Unless dealing crack to kids is a sin.

So he’s crucified. But have you ever heard of Spartacus? Thousands of people have also been crucified for less. It’s no cup of tea but so what? Many have died a worse death like a burn victim. So people bury him and then three days he ascends to Heaven.

And the most ingenious line ever is “I will be back again.” So people have no fucking clue when he will be back or if he ever will. Across the world people are always on edge and worried that it will happen in their life time. It would be nice to have a ballpark estimate like maybe the year 3000.  

Lindsay Lohan: Drugs and Bad Plastic Surgery.

Celebrities are above the law and they can get away with everything. I know Lindsay Lohan has broken the law several times and has been released early each time. Normally I laugh when celebrities get what they had coming but I felt really sorry for her. She is followed by the paparazzi everywhere goes.

So she is in the public spotlight where they scrutinize every little detail about her. But what happened? She used to be so cute and sweet and had a promising future. Now she’s a drug addict and her career is pretty much over. She’s so desperate for cash that she posed in Playboy.

So I was looking the nude Playboy photos of her just out of curiosity; I really just wanted to see what she looked like naked. But I came across some disturbing photos of her and thought wow how the fucked did this happen to her?

Look up the latest pictures of her because she is only twenty something and looks like she is fifty years old. Her face is all fucked up and droopy and her teeth are rotting. I saw one photo of her and I felt really sorry for her. You can see it in her eyes how sad she is and how bad it has gotten. And I wonder how the media is going to react to this.

I followed the show Intervention and I think it is a funny. You got to love your alcoholics and all the funny antics alcoholics do. Now I love pot, that’s my favorite drug. I think it should be made legal where I can buy it at the Weed Store.

But I still don’t know what stance I have over other drugs. I see both ways. We are free nation and we should have the right to do whatever we want to our body. Heroine addicts will find heroine anyway so you might as well legalize it too. This would eliminate crime and turn a profit. The war on drugs is just like the Vietnam or Iraq War. But if I had to choose what drugs should be illegal than that’s crack and meth.

We all know how bad crack is.  But I saw an Intervention episode dedicated on methamphetamines and I think it’s much worse. You can easily make it from household ingredients and materials. That’s a stop sign right there; it’s so unnatural unlike coke, weed or opium.

 From what I gather it destroys people’s appearance and their teeth. I saw some pictures of an addict spanning four years. The first picture shows a young beautiful girl. The next picture is worse, she looks much older. Then the third is horrible and her cheeks have caved in.  Then last photo is like wow what the fuck happened to her. And this is only four years.

Then there is bad plastic surgery. I find nothing wrong with a nose job, tummy tuck or breasts augmentation. But when I say nose job I mean a minor one and not the late Michael Jackson. He looked like a complete idiot. 

I wouldn’t fuck with anything else to my face like its putty. You end up looking like Mr. Potato Head.  Brow lifts make you look like you have no expression or that you are always surprised. “You look surprised honey, what is wrong? Is the cat dead? Oh no! Tell me the cat is alright.” “Nothing is wrong honey I just can’t make any expressions.” I mean botox is a poison you inject into your damn face that paralyzes it.

Cheek implants look stupid too, I don’t know why you want larger cheeks; you end up looking like a chipmunk. And I think lip collagen is so unnatural, why would you want bigger lips? You end up looking like a cartoon character.

Then there are people who are addicted to plastic surgery like the freak Michael Jackson. Haha he’s dead. I think someone should have said something a long time ago. “Michael we all love you but stop. Just end the plastic surgery madness. Please.” But I think the person with worst plastic surgery is creature that is called the cat lady. Holy shit is she so fucking scary, Google her if you don’t believe me but don’t look into her eyes.

Sarnia

My Hometown Sarnia

I was born and raised in a quant town known as Sarnia. Population 72000, or at least it was twenty years ago. But don’t get it mistaken for Narnia, although it would be cool knowing spells and hanging out with the elves.

Where is Sarnia may you ask? Sarnia is located in Southern Ontario Canada. I hope people around the world at least know where Canada is. It’s the fucking huge chunk of land above the States.

Sarnia is on the tip of Southern Ontario and we boarder a city known as Port Huron, Michigan. The Saint Clear River separates our borders and the two Bluewater Bridges connect us with the States. We are about an hour away from Detroit, a city where they have so much violence and drugs that they need Robo Cop.

The problem with the bridges is that almost every fucking truck in the world uses them and the wait lines suck. Coming back to Canada isn’t so bad because we don’t really care who comes into our county and our customs officers are cool. Going towards the States takes forever because they have no room for expansion and the custom agents are paranoid of every teenager and foreigner they come across. So I usually just take the ferry or a raft.

I have lived in Sarnia my entire life and it’s a great place to grow up in. It’s not too big and not too small. Unlike smaller towns we never used to hang out at the gas station, we rode our bikes around the city and played sports.

We have all of the major fast food joints including four McDonalds; one has a slide and ball pit. Sweet. And of course two Harvey’s where YOU decide what is on your burger. However I hate when I ask for everything on it and they still ask if I want ketchup or pickles. Hi I want everything on it and I want pickles and ketchup.

Yes it gets really fucking cold in the winter. I’m wearing a jacket right now because my mom is so fucking cheap to turn the furnace on. That is pretty much the only thing I don’t like about Canada, even though I spend most of my time indoors sleeping or playing video games. I do like to smoke weed and go for walks in nicer weather.

We live by one of the Great Lakes: Lake Huron. The area is also known as Blue Water because well, we have blue water. So it’s really cool to go swimming or fishing in the summer. And Steve will go swimming in January because he’s crazy and makes us laugh.

There aren’t enough attractions even when spending so much money on tourism. Let’s see, the tallest building is the

Kenwich Place

that looks like a giant ship. My brother used to live there. That’s really about it.

South of Sarnia is what is known as Chemical Valley because of all of the chemical industries there. They air stinks, but I guess you can get used to it. Sarnia has the highest rates of asthma, could it be a coincidence?  The Valley used to be one of the top places to bomb in North America, which is a good thing because I rather some other city get utterly destroyed than my hometown!

Chemical Valley is the greatest provider of jobs. My dad works for Suncor; I don’t know what exactly what Suncor does? I believe it processes oil and sends it down the pipe line. Maybe I should sit down and ask my dad about it. And tell me dad I love him.

We have a course a Super Wal-Mart Center where I buy pretty much everything there except clothes or items that I can get at the dollar store. It’s so big they have their own McDonalds. Mm Big Macs. I wish I got stocks when I first started working there fifteen years ago.

We have a Lambton Nine Cineplex where it costs twenty bucks for food, pop and candy. So I bought some candy at Dollarama just in case for next time. I might bring in a pop too because what are they going to do? They’re not going to search me or kick me out. The least they will do is just take it. I also tried buying child’s ticket from the automatic teller but I got caught. I played stupid and said it was a stupid mistake.

We have a few pubs to go to. I like getting stoned and walking to Chicken in the Rough for wing night. But not in winter because again it is freezing cold. I sometimes go to Two Amigos where its cougar night every night and shoot some pool. And they now have a shuttle bus that will drive you home. That’s genius because there won’t be any drinking and driving and people will spend more because of this.

However I’m getting rather bored with Sarnia. I’m finding each day a little monotonous. I think I need change in my routine life. The problem is that I have everything I need at home and would need to get a job if I would move out or get a car. I definitely miss London and the fast paced life. I find there is more to do there and my mom can’t control my life anymore. But I think my college days are over and I’m almost thirty. And now I’m going to cry.

So come visit Sarnia, the greatest city there is or ever will be and see the

Kenwich Place

. Eat some of our famous bridge fries. And hang out with me, get stoned and play Mario Kart 64.

The Best Things in Life Are Free

I just finished watching Fight Club again and wow was I impressed. However I shouldn’t talk about fight club. I shouldn’t talk about fight club. If anyone new joins they have to fight. I saw it a long time ago. At first I thought a movie called Fight Club would have a stupid plot but it’s a lot smarter than you would expect. It is really smart in fact. I won’t ruin it for people who haven’t seen it but throughout the movie they send out the message that we shouldn’t be slaves to our possessions. It makes a good point.

Does money make people happy? Hell yeah. But up to a certain amount. Let’s say someone has 20 million dollars. Would another million dollars make that person any happier? Here is a stupid analogy. Let’s say someone wins the Stanly Cup ten times. After that would winning another championship make one any happier.

Now I have it good at home; I pretty much have everything I need to enjoy life. When my favorite things is to do is get stoned and play video games that doesn’t require a lot of doe. What else would I do with more money? I’d get a my own house with a big kitchen, large basement, two 80 inch screen televisions, ping pong table and a hot tub time machine. I would eat out at restaurants and drink beer everyday. I’d use the rest to go traveling across the world and see Jamaica or Amsterdam.

If you have taken psychology or business than you might of heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Basically these are the needs of people starting off with the most basic needs up to self actualization needs. People always want more; once you have some needs fulfilled you want higher needs. I’m stuck on the second level of needs called safety needs.

Physiological needs are the most fundamental needs, these are the  needs of what we have in order to survive. They include food, water and sleep.  If you are a starving Ethiopian I’m pretty sure you couldn’t give a shit about some bad acne. And imagine you are in a desert and are dying of thirst. If you are saved and finally have something to drink than that first sip would be the greatest feeling ever. However that feeling won’t last forever.

The next level is safety needs. This includes shelter, employment, finance and health. When you see on the news any natural disasters that destroys peoples homes you feel just awful for them. They might lose everything they had in a tornado for instance. Imagine that happened to you. I would lose all of my clothes, my video games and my pogs. I have even heard of millionaires losing everything and end up killing themselves. However I guarantee that if something happened to some third world person’s hut they probably couldn’t give shit. I mean how hard is to rebuild one? I think all you really need are some clay, wood and leaves. Now you hear about celebrities adopting kids from African. I bet these kids will become custom to their rich lifestyles within a year.

The next level is belonging needs. These needs include family, friends and intimacy. People cherish relationships so much. Once people have the basic needs fulfilled they want true love. Back in Africa you wouldn’t worry so much about having the perfect relationship when you’re desperate for food and sex. But in the richer nations people are obsessed with love and how attractive people are. They want to find that perfect mate.

The next level is called esteem needs. This involves self-esteem, achievement, acceptance and respect. Once you have a partner, a job and a home you want more. You want a sense of accomplishment. As soon as I wasn’t employed I had no real contribution to society. Unless you consider smoking weed and having a level 70 night elf a contribution. I am paying for their kid’s college at Tim Horton’s though.

The final stage of Maslow’s pyramid of needs is called self actualization. I don’t really understand what the word self actualization means but I will give it a shot. It might mean that people need to find their purpose in life and to live life to the fullest. With all of the time I had when not playing World of Warcraft I started writing long comments on Facebook. Things got a little carried away and my friend suggested getting a blogpage. And here I am. I have something to occupy my time instead of just vegetating on the computer chair.

Here is my question, is there a limit on how happy or sad one can be? You can’t be happy all of the time right. I had a full leg cast for five months and when they took off my cast it was the best feeling ever, I could finally scratch it. Another happy moment was when we got a NES. It was like I was on crack. But the feeling didn’t last and soon I wanted a Sega Genesis. And what about drugs? Smoking weed makes me really happy. In fact I think everyone should smoke a joint every once in a while and ponder about life and what really makes you happy in life.

Jesus Camp

I remember way back at Western University my roommate and good friend JP told me about the movie Jesus Camp and how pissed off it made him. So I had to watch it. It starts off with this radio DJ, who is one of my heroes, pretty much cutting through all this bullshit evangelist believe in. I have nothing wrong with Christians; my own mother is a huge Christian and I love her. I find it just silly though. However evangelists are really fucking crazy. They are a cult; even my mom would find it disturbing.

Jesus Camp is all about evangelists and how loony they are. Some parts are hilarious; some are almost unbearable to watch. Jesus Camp is of course is a crazy bible camp run by this crazy fat ugly pastor hag. She will be henceforth be called Hag. One of her lines is that “people are getting fat and lazy.” What a hypocrite. She has spiked hair and even asked what the kids thought of it. Nobody really applauded.

Jesus Camp follows some kids but mainly two of the hardcore ones stand out. One is this loser kid named Levi with a rat tail that wore a Faith Factor shirt. He will be called Ratty. And then there is dorky girl who tries to spread the good word to random people she meets. She will be called Dorkess.

What really pisses me off with this movie is how Hag brainwashes these impressionable kids at such a young age. They all are obsessed about Jesus and they give their life up to serve the Lord. Look the Lord wants you to live a good and happy life and be kind to people. He doesn’t want people to obsessed with Him and worship Him all of the time. He has heard the song Sing to the Mountain too many damn times. Even though that’s a kickass song.

The movie begins with these kids in either camouflage or in war paint singing this Christian soldier propaganda. Pastor Hag is saying all of this crazy shit that their enemies are more religious and that they give their lives to God and so should we. Hey bitch; people from other religions are not necessarily your enemy. They are all of course God’s people.

Then they all started to speech in tongue, which is just gibberish. Who the Hell started this shit? Was it some baby? Ask them to repeat whatever the fuck they said and I bet it will be completely different. Then some of the kids start crying and falling to the ground and shit. And I mean crying a river so much there is mass flooding. That’s really fucked up and Hag thinks this is a good thing.

Afterwards Hag meets up Ratty and his friend and asked if they are going to attend Jesus Camp. Well Ratty is says he is definitely going and looks like he is super excited. Well Hag asks when he was born again and Ratty says he was saved when he was five. I have no clue what saved means. He says he was tired of life and wants to serve the Lord. He was only five for fuck sakes, go play Nintendo or Pogs with your friends and forget about this bullshit.

Ratty is home schooled and with a stupid mom as the idiot teacher. I guarantee he’s going to learn all of this church nonsense and not any science or anything useful in life. Sure home schooled kids might know more about the Lord but when they are out in the real world they aren’t going to have any social skills and mommy can’t be there to protect them.

My favorite part is when Ratty is watching this show making fun of evolution, it was gold. Some idiot actor is like oh ya we came from this goo. Ratty thought it was hilarious. The guy tries to make fun of Darwinism, like we are the crazy ones.  All of them clearly don’t understand how evolution works probably because they never gave it a chance and it fucks up many parts of the bible. And the bible can never be wrong.

Then the show claims that the Earth is 6000 years old. Seriously that’s so incredibly retarded. And Ratty buys into this shit probably they were never given the choice to learn science and geography. Some believe man and dinosaur coexisted together and others just don’t believe in dinosaurs at all. And when you try to defend something so stupid you look even dumber.

They are bowling and Dorkess prays to God to make her do well in bowling. She actually says I command you Lord. And then she gutters the ball. That’s karma bitch. Seriously Dorkess I think you should reserve prays for more serious matters like Little Timmy’s heart transplant surgery or to end world hunger. God doesn’t give a shit if you want to get a strike. Then Dorkess comes up to this random woman trying to spread the word of God.

So they are getting the place ready for Jesus Camp and Hag is praying for all of this shit to happen without a hitch. I swear to science that she asked the Lord for the microphone to work and that they have enough chairs. And then she commands the Devil to not mess up the power point presentation. I’m totally serious here; if you don’t believe me watch it yourself. You can’t make up this shit.

Hag’s presentation begins with a song JC is in the House. If I had a cell phone that would be my ring tone. Hag starts with this speech about sin and that sin will destroy you. What exactly is sin and why are we sinful. These kids are eight years old, what sins have they committed? Did they steal someone’s pogs or stab some kid in the eye? I mean boys will be boys. Then she gives this stupid analogy that sin is like a lion. Hag is holding a baby stuffed animal lion and says this is what sin is like at first; nice and cuddly. Then she pulls out a lion and says this is what sin becomes if you don’t stop it. Brilliant.

Another funny part is when Hag calls Harry Potter a warlock. Look retard, Harry Potter is a wizard and not a warlock. I own all of the movies and I never heard anything mentioning warlocks. And the Harry Potter books are fictional and warlocks are fictional.

She basically is saying that warlocks are real. What is she so afraid of? Are they going to cast spells at you or are kids going to turn to the dark side?

The boys are having an awesome time with flashlights before they go to bed. Well buzz kill scout master says horror stories don’t honor the Lord. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean but hey why not ruin everything for these kids. Look kids play hide and go seek, does that honor the Lord? 

The movie just gets more and more absurd. Hag is actually writing a power point presentation about sin and that sin leads to death. And then she putts blood dripping from the word death. Again she has a brilliant analogy with a balloon; that if you pray to or learn more about God then the balloon inflates. However if you sin then your balloon will lose air and pop.

Ratty is wearing a Reese Buttercup shirt this time that says Jesus is the King of Kings instead. Haha loser. He should be wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt that say cowabunga dude. He says he is shy unless the Holy Spirit is in him, whatever that means. So he is practicing to do a sermon and it’s painful to watch. He says that people shouldn’t be sitting there watching T.V. because Satan will be after you. I don’t think watching the Golden Girls is putting myself in danger of Satan.

One of the scout masters says today we are going to have some fun! And that’s smashing cups with a hammer. The cups are supposed to symbolize government. Well fuck head thinks that Christianity should be put back into government and they should take back their country as one nation under God. Hey, government and state are supposed to be separate. Going against the government is unpatriotic. People are free to choose what religion to believe or not to believe in. At the time the evangelist already elected President Bush the retard that openly promotes Christianity. Speaking of Bush they actually had a cardboard cutout of the retard. Hag actually said something like everyone welcome President Bush. And they applauded to someone that isn’t there.

Things are getting way out of control. Kids are crying and reaching out to the Lord. They are actually passed around Kleenex. They looked like their dog just got smoked by a car. I couldn’t watch it yet I had to do to just see how far it goes. She says another brilliant analogy that Christianity isn’t like McDonalds. You can’t just go through life like a drive through. Mmm Big Macs.

They had this creepy guess speaker talking about abortion. I officially have no stance or opinion on abortion. So he puts some tape on a lot of the kids and then asks them to repeat his message that abortion is evil. And this is the biggest hypocrisy ever; they all chant this shit like no more lives to be taken and life is precious. Hmm, but Greg you might ask, didn’t they openly promote war and chanted this means war at the beginning of the film? Apparently aborting a fetus is evil but killing people in war is okay.

Next up they are attending some super church with Pastor Ted Haggard. Remember this was before the scandals. So I find it hilarious that he is condemning homo sexuality and saying its in the bible. I never read the whole bible but I’m pretty sure it’s not there. So he makes some really bad and offensive jokes and Ratty and the whole audience are just eating it up. Fun fact he used to talk to President George Bush and his advisors every Monday. What I don’t know is that does he believe in all of this shit or does he know its bullshit. After all he got caught doing meth with other gay men more than twice.

So hag says numerous times that this is a sick old world. I’m not denying that there are many problems in the world. There are wars, fathom and evils but overall this is a wonderful world created by the man upstairs. And I think things will get even better. To end the movie the DJ goes face to face with Hag and totally burns her. She made no sense at all and once she hangs up he says the more I hear of about this it just gets crazier and crazier. Amen to that!

Sports

I always wonder how sports were invented and if we will ever invent more. Maybe anti gravity baseball. There are the big ones like soccer, hockey, basketball, baseball, football, soccer baseball and lawn darts. Here is a blog about the lesser known ones. I wrote about dogeball, volleyball, bowling, sumo wrestling and racecars (fun fact: the word racecars is a palindrome because you can spell it backwards).

I fucking loved playing dogeball or king’s court in gym class. We had rules like you can’t hit people in the head. But it is so fun to do. Whoops I just accidentally smashed his glasses. Or whoops I accidentally broke her nose. I had style and did rolls and dives. And I gave the cute girls a chance to throw.

By the way Dodge Ball is a sweet movie. It has the perfect cast. Ben Stiller is hilarious as the villain. I also liked Vince Vaughn, Stephen Root (the fat guy) and the pirate. Watch it, its way better than what critics have you believe.

I know that ancient Maya or Aztec civilizations played dodge ball with human heads. Who came up with that? First I guess kids were having fun throwing shit at each other. After that the sport caught on but people were getting sick of the ball keep losing air or falling apart. Well crazy ass genius thought hey why bury someone when we can throw their heads at each other.  I just hope they don’t kill someone if they are out of the good heads. I mean how many heads do they go through in practice. And I wonder if the all-star ever signed the winning head for Little Timmy.

Volleyball is another kickass sport. I played it in elementary school but I was pretty much a benchwarmer because the coach hated me. And I hated her too. Once again I think I’m one of the better players but no, the tall guy played just because he’s tall or because she’s in love with this younger player. The same thing happened in basketball. I mean I played in Shamrock and was a leading player. But that was long ago...

All you really need for volleyball is a net and a soft ball. We used to use the soccer nets and a dodgeball I stole. However I think you need knee pads so you can make those daring leaps without adding another scar on your knees. Ahhh, Ohh, aahh. And I love when hot chicks play beachball and you can look at their boob flopping around without feeling like a total creep. And I sound like a creep right now just mentioning that.

Bowling is another kickass sport, if you can call it a sport. I think it’s more like a game. For one thing you don’t have to be in shape like every other sport. You never see a bowler taking steroids or running around town listening to Eye of the Tiger like he’s fucking Rocky. I wonder why people watch bowling on television. I rather watch botchyball. I mean wow he got another strike, good for him. I’m not the best bowler; I try to throw the ball down the center. I even sewer in bumper bowling. But it’s all about the fun and that’s what matters.

Funny story I was bowling with family and friends. There was this all-star bowler in the other lane beside us. He’s got the glove and towel and wipes his ball every roll he makes. Well my cousin accidentally picks up his ball and she says sorry is this your ball? And get this; he says you can’t handle my ball. Who says that to a chick? What a dork. How about getting some friends.

Japanese sumo wrestling is a funny sport. I think it’s the only sport where you have to cram food into you in order to compete. Come on sumo you can eat this stick of butter and this KFC bucket. Maybe it would be cool to be fat on purpose. Or maybe you want to live past your thirties. It must be embarrassing when you’re fighting with another guy wearing only some towel stuck up your ass. And then they are grabbing each others assess and man boobs. I’m curious if sumos get all of the ladies. Again how did this sport come to be? Did two fat guys get in an argument and instead of punching or kicking each other they decide to push each other with their bellies?

Am I one of the only one who thinks any form of racing is just stupid? Especially the tracks that are just one big loop. Wow they are going really fast. Nothing exciting happens except crashes. Sorry that’s kind of disturbing but I find it funny. Hey they seen it coming. What are the sport headlines like? Wow Reggie the Flurry has just made a comeback and he is passing the leader and that’s it Reggie has just won the trophy! Never in the history of Nascar have we seen this. I am excited to be alive to witness what a stunning victory.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

As a kid I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger even though I couldn’t spell his name or understand what the fuck he was saying half the time. Ggreeg I’m Gooing to Keeel yoou. I guess it is because he is from Austria. As a kid I thought he was from Australia, mate. And in Space Balls, which is kick ass, Yoda says to use the Schwarz, is that a coincidence?

I use to love action movies and explosions. And explosions where the hero somehow manages to jump out of the way of danger without second degree burns. Speaking of which I don’t know if it is worse to have first degree or third degree burns. I guess I could look it up.

Too bad I missed the cool scene in Bless the Child when a car falls from our very own Blue Water Bridge. I think there was Drew Carry marathon on. They used our bridge but superimposed some random New York background. I rented the movie Bless the Child just to see that part and you can see our bridge and parts of the shore. But what a lame movie. I bet half the people who saw it are from Sarnia who did the same thing I did.

Arnold’s first movie was actually a documentary where he and Lou Ferrigno (the neighbor in King of Queens) competed for Mr. Universe. It was pretty badass. I owe my sculpted hot bod from him, power bars and 24 Hour Good Life Fitness. Which isn’t 24 hours on weekends.

However I don’t like action movies anymore. I like movies with action and I think there is a difference. Take Brave Heart; a great story with incredible war scenes. I would have loved more and longer battles. The same goes for Apocalypse Now. Then there is Under World or Resident Evil. Cough.

Conan O’Bryan, I mean Conan the Barbarian was a big flop. Maybe because he worked out too much instead of learning how to act. I think they remade it a year ago and it did worse than the original; if that is possible. Either way I don’t like barbarians.

His first real success was in the Terminator. What a cool movie. Swartz is pretty much himself as a robot. A robot from Austria. He is sent back to kill the unborn Greg because I will lead the resistance to save mankind from the clutches of Skynet and its evil robots.

A year later Commando came out. This time some evil drug cartel have stolen Arnold’s daughter Samantha Micelli from Who’s the Boss. Why did they kidnap her? I guess they wanted ransom from the show because of its popularity. So Arnold plows through a hundred soldiers to save her and she can return in Who’s the Boss. Which I think was cancelled after that old red hair slut died.

Speaking of Boss, here is just stupid inside story that only my Hogan friends will remember. There was this old Italiano janitor who had this thick accent. He used to say hey boys all the time. But people thought he was saying hey boss instead. So his infamous words caught on and soon the whole damn school called him the boss. Then my school held a retirement assembly dedicated to him. My dickless principle, who I hated for many reasons, said you’re the boss! He meant boys dipshit.

Total Recall is totally awesome! It’s a futuristic movie starring Arnold. It starts off like Vanilla Sky where he is hooked up to some virtual reality thingy but something goes wrong. By now I don’t trust any virtual reality bullshit.  

Do you remember the Virtual Boy by Nintendo? What a stupid idea that was. Who the fuck is going to play videogames standing up looking into some red screen? There was nothing virtual about it. I think they made three games and sold about two.

Back to Total Recall. So he goes to this company Rekall for a virtual trip to Mars as 

a spy. The coolest part is when he can choose what kind of lover he wants. I think he went for sporty. I would go for the Jennifer Love Hewitt model and I’d want to be jet fighter. His memories are wiped clean just like how my memories have been wiped clean because of all of the weed I smoke. Then for whatever reason he becomes a spy for real and helps out some freaks.

Then Arnold starred in Kindergarten Cop as a undercover spy who teaches Kindergarten. This is what I think the writers were thinking: hey Arnold scares the shit out of little kids right. And he has been in dozens of action movies. How about this, he becomes; get this, a kindergarten teacher. How about that. The producer: that’s fucking retarded. But hey Weekend at Burney’s made millions than. And that is fucking retarded.

After that sad movie, Arnold is top of his game in Terminator 2; one of my favorite movies from the 90s. This time Arnold is the good robot and must save John from getting terminated by the liquid metal robot the T-1000. Anything that ends in 1000 is awesome. I wish I had my own terminator; imagine all of the things you could do with a robot that does whatever you want him to do. Sorry sir you going to have to pay for that. Arnold! And then at the end of the movies the black guy dies.

Twins was a stupid move too. Apparently there was some genetic experiment in making the perfect person and Arnold and DeVito are the resulting twins. Arnold is raised by a good family to be intelligent, strong but naïve. However Arnold is no way the perfect person. For one thing he can’t talk. DeVito is the mistake and becomes a petty criminal. They somehow meet and DeVito pretty much uses Arnold. And I feel kind of bad for DeVito playing the ugly mistake. Imagine auditions. Okay DeVito we have the perfect role for you in the new Schwarzenegger movie! You can play the freak of nature. Will you be that freak? And I don’t know if I’d want a twin because you would be so competitive. But I am my own best friend.

True Lies is a great warm hearted movie; it’s got action and comedy. He is a undercover spy and Tom Arnold is the funny side kick. Notice that his name is Arnold and Arnold’s name is Arnold. Pretty weird. So Jaime Curtis from Halloween is Arnold’s wife that is bored with her husband and thinks she is going out with a spy. Well this spy happens to be a phony but Arnold is actually a real spy; what a big misunderstanding. My favorite part is when Curtis, who has a nice bod, is stripping for Arnold but she doesn’t know its Arnold. Oh you hoar.

Again DeVito is paired with Arnold in another stupid movie Junior. So they’re doing research on human fertilization but the board won’t allow the experiment. But the scientist find a loophole. Yes they deicide that Arnold should have the baby. Who the fuck writes this shit, seriously. So the whole running joke is that Arnold, a man, is feeling all of the symptoms of a pregnant woman. Hilarious! For example he grows tender tits. I think only chicks find this crap funny. Now I don’t think Arnold thought his plan through because the baby has got to come out somehow. I don’t know the end but think Arnolds dick explodes and the baby ends up being a hideous freak of nature.

Eraser was watchable but then Arnold’s agent fucks up again by letting Arnold star in his own holiday movie Jingle All the Way. I think he has to get his son a Tickle Me Elmo or some shit for Christmas. And the kid doesn’t have a thick Austria accent.

I never liked the stupid Batman movies from the 90s. Batman was great, with Jack Nicholas, Michael Keaton and Kim Basinger. Batman Returns was stupid because I never liked the Penguin. DeVito plays himself as some midget freak that has a mass army of penguins. Then they made Batman Forever. I was really disappointed because I liked the Riddler played by Jim Carrey and Two Face played by Tom Lee Jones. And then Arnold is Mr. Freeze in the worse Batman ever. At one point there was a car chase scene on some weird fucking building. However the Batman Begins and the Dark Knight were amazing.

After that Arnold made a series of unremarkable films and his career as an actor is pretty much over. Then he ran for Governor. I guarantee everyone thought it would be hilarious to vote him but didn’t think it would actually happen. That’s Hollywood for you. And now California is in huge debt and they are considering legalizing marijuana. Which is awesome? But not the debt, that’s not cool. And then Arnolds character McBaine stars as the stupid politician in the Simpson Movie.

Gambling Man

I love to gamble whether it’s playing poker, watching the game or shooting pool. My dad says it isn’t gambling if you know you’re going to win. You really have to set a limit on how much you are willing to afford to lose and to never try to win you’re money back. I learned that the hard way. I ended up losing a $150 at the casino trying to win my money back in which I could have spent on some beer and a whole lot of Big Macs.

I find when you have money on the line it makes things interesting. I mean nobody would play the slot machines just for fun. I don’t even know why people play the slot machines at all. All you do is press a button and eventually the house is going to win your hard earned money. It’s very addictive because you don’t know when they will hit the jackpot. That’s how a casino makes it money; in the long run the odds are against you. Unless you are playing the slot game in Super Mario Brothas 2. I’m good at winning free lives; it’s all about the timing.

I play in a free poker league and people play differently if there was real money on the line. Sometimes I play a cash game at this guy’s place afterwards. I find the odds of me wining in poker are in my favor. I play with the same idiots that lose all of the time and donate their chips. Thanks for the $30 I’m going to go buy some weed and some five cent candy.

For example this one guy doesn’t know the odds. He always always says he just needed one more club or he almost had a straight. Dude if you have four clubs and you need a club on the river you have less than one out of four chances of hitting it. He would also go all in on preflop when he has pocket Aces and just ruins a good opportunity. He comes out with the blinds and a few chips.

I have a snooker pool table at home and it’s much more difficult to sink a ball than on a normal pool table. The table is larger and the holes are smaller and rounded. You can’t just shoot a ball along the edge and sink it.

I play by bar rules. You can’t scratch and put a ball back on the table. It’s only the other guys turn. I mean if I’m going for the 8 ball and miss because the other guy has five balls blocking it, it’s not my fault. However you have to call your shots or again it’s the other guy’s turn. I also don’t use the rake unless I have to; it’s the woman’s tool. I do the whole behind the back maneuver. And you have to know how to play drunk. With my shaky hands I actually find beer calms my nerves.

I knew a guy that worked at an old pool hall and showed me the bathroom and there were holes in the dry wall. Apparently people punched holes because they were pissed off and lost some serious cash. Hey if the guy brings three cue sticks and his own chalk he must be pretty good.

Funny story, I was at the bar with my brother and two of his friends who are all big guys. I put my buck fifty down. The guy asks if I want to play for five bucks. I clearly said no and that I just want to play for fun. Well he beats me and demands his money and I said no. Then he says he will find me. I wasn’t sure what that meant but I said I’m right here. So later on he and his friend, who I could probably take on both, threaten me. Well my brother said something to the effect that you’re not getting anything and the bouncer who knows my brother kicked them out. Haha bye.

Now this really confused me. Some idiot was trying to hustle me by pretending to not know how to play. He didn’t know how to set up the balls right and he asked me these stupid questions that anyone should know. But he turned out to be a pro. However he didn’t win any money so I guess he doesn’t understand how to hustle. It was just weird.

Roulette odds are pretty good. However some people are just plain stupid. My friend kept saying oh it’s been black eight times in a row it must be red, as if roulette is this magical game. Okay before you play twenty times the odds are that it will be red as much as it will be black. But not afterwards or else people would be making fortunes. In fact a casino will hand you a sheet where you can check off which numbers have and have not been picked. Seriously how deluded are you?

I never really understood black jack. I know how to play and when to double down or stay. But people are very superstitious. People always feel that a dealer is either hot or cold like that makes a difference. Also when people fold or whatever other people get mad because someone took their card.

And then there are people who are addicted to gambling. I think the dealers must feel pretty depressed about taking people’s life’s saving. Oh shoot I just lost all of my money and I need to take a second mortgage on the house. My wife is going to kill me.

I heard that some asshole on the school board ended up taking money and losing more than a hundred thousands dollars. How the fuck does that happen? You think maybe when you lose five thousand dollars you should stop. But oh it’s an addiction and not their fault. Send her to jail. I mean you never hear a heroin addict that gets away with stealing money because it’s not their fault that they are addicted to heroine.

Anyway Super Bowl is coming up soon and I’m excited. I’m not a huge football fan but I will bet on the weakest team to win. I find it more exciting to root for a team if there is money on the line. This time I will be prepared by buying lots of beer and ordering pizza hours in advance. Too bad we have don’t have the American stations and miss out on the funny commercials. I think the Canadian channels have tampon and mutual funds commercials.

Jack Black.

Don’t get me wrong Jack Black is very funny. He’s really good in minor rolls, such as when he kicks Farrell’s dog off the bridge in Anchorman. Or he is great in Tropic Thunder. I’m not the biggest fan of his music. Some songs at first were funny but later become annoying. Such as the greatest song ever song. But he stars in some of the crappiest movies.

Shallow Hal was just stupid. You know the movie sucks when the funniest scene in the preview is when the fat chick jumps into the pool and some kid is magically thrown into the tree and says mommy. Haha I get it she’s fat. I think it would be funnier if the kid gets thrown into the tree with a branch pierced right through his head.

If you haven’t seen the movies then don’t. Here is the gist; he somehow gets hypnotized into seeing women’s inner beauty. A little farfetched but it’s just a movie and I shouldn’t worry about the implications. But you’d think he will notice something is array. For example, they have sex and her panties are small. However as soon as he takes them off they are huge. Spoiler alert. Jack finally sees her as she is and finds her beautiful. That’s sweet; the unhealthy and morbidly obese person is beautiful because she likes chipmunks, rainbows and sponsors some African kid.

I love George from Seinfeld; he is my favorite character; I like him even better than Kramer. And he was just wasted in this movie as the friend. What kind of a friend doesn’t ask why Hal is fucking a total pork hog? Umm Jack we all love and care for you. But enough going out with that Good Year blimp. It was funny at first, I mean large women need loving too, but please just stop it. Please.

School of Rock was entertaining at best. But again stupid. I don’t want to over speculate but some burnout musician that somehow becomes a teacher is a pretty dumb film idea. So instead of teaching the students useful things like math or science he teachers them rock and or roll. Sure enough students will not complain about not learning anything but you would think someone would find out sooner. Well Timmy what did you learn today? Well dad I learned today that Snoop Dog apparently sucks and I learned how to play the cymbals. I mean can’t the rest of the school hear the music down the hall? So Jack forms a rock band as the lead singer with only one original song. I wonder if he teaches them how to inject heroine into their arms or how to be slutty groupies.

Jack has starred in a number of straight to home video movies. I bet nobody has seen Nacho Libre in the theater. But if so they probably walked out and saw Snow Dogs Three instead. I think I actually stopped watching it after five minutes and decided to scratch the

DVD. I was pretty stoned when I watched King Kong and I don’t remember shit. That’s probably a good thing. I never seen Be Kind Rewind but I’m sure it sucks balls.  I made the mistake of renting the Pick of Destiny thinking it might be good this time. I was wrong. I want my toonie and ten minutes back.

Hot Chicks

Physical appearances are huge in life, there is no denying that. After all we base so much on what we see. I’ll grab a Gatorade just because the label looks colorful. Give me the same exact beverage in a brownish green and I’ll think it is gross.

Our first impression of a person relies heavenly on how attractive a person is. When you see a chick, or a guy, at the gym you immediately rate her. You might think she’s hot or overweight or that she’s homely at best.

In fact I would rather be really hot than to be really smart because you can totally rely on your looks. Beautiful people can get away with every thing. Often times in television a guy might say she’s smart, she’s funny and she’s good looking. I guarantee no guy is going to say I picked up this ugly girl but she’s smart and she’s funny.

It’s even harder for girls because society dictates that they are worth how attractive they are. All over the media unattractive men can land a hot wife, but rarely the other way around. There are so many sitcoms that promote this idea. Even in cartoons. For example Peter Griffin is a totally fatass but his wife Lois is hot. If cartoons characters can be hot.

I find the concept of putting makeup on your face hilarious. Less is definitely more. Sure a little eye shadow is nice but when you put on so much damn makeup you look like a clown. And I’m afraid of clowns. I don’t really like when women put on way too much lip stick and I think collagen is kind of gross.

It’s a good thing I’m a guy because that would suck shaving my legs or my armpits. Women must spend a fortune to look good and seem to take forever to get ready any time they go out. My mom will put on makeup just to put the garbage outside

Girls can be just a shallow as guys. I remember I was taking a webpage design course at Lambton College. First off it was completely useless; I knew more than the teacher and I don’t know shit about computers. The first day she was demonstrating how to exit a page by pressing the x button at the top of the screen and how to make a snazzy line. Yes a line.

I don’t know why but I was the only dude in the class. But I wasn’t complaining. So the first day I was talking to some ordinary girls and having a good time. However the next day I sat at the first row because I couldn’t see the board that well. Well I was sitting beside two hot chicks and I realize they were way out my league; they weren’t even the same sport.

So I’m being nice and not even flirting with them. I mention something about the war in Iraq and she just interrupts me and says her boyfriend is in Iraq. I asks why, who knows he might be a peacemaker. But she says because he lives there. I got the hint, I wasn’t good enough for her but she didn’t have to lie like that to me. Normally I’d try to ask some questions to catch her in her lie. I’d be whats his name, what city does he live in, what’s job, how did you meet him and many more.

But it hurt, because I have feelings. I guarantee they’d act like ditzs and laugh at everything I say if I was George Clooney. So girls just because a guy is being nice to you it doesn’t mean he wants to fuck you. I hope they get fat and end up working at Mc Donald’s. No offense to the good people who work at. McDonald’s. After all I love my Big Macs.

It sucks but when you look back when you were younger you realize how good you use to look. Apparently I used to be hot and I didn’t even know it. I look back on old pictures and think hey I wasn’t that bad looking. But we get older and it will happen to you. Unless you drown or get hit in the head by a golf ball.

Beauty pageants are so stupid and ridiculous. Take the very name for example, they’re called beauty pageants. Being hot is not a talent.  And even the talent portion is useless. Hi I’m Ashley and I’m going to get a 2000 score on Bob It. Hey learn how fix a computer or something. They might as well be fuckable contests. Hi my name is Amy and I’m going to suck the judge’s cock. Whats even worse is child beauty contests. The parents spend fortunes on their dresses and again instill the idea that they are worth how pretty they are.

Remember Who Wan to Marry a Millionaire? What a debacle that was. I knew if a millionaire is having problems landing a girl he must not be George Clooney. Obviously it’s all about the money. Why would he and all of the contestants degrade themselves like that? Well surprise surprise he’s ugly and not even rich and the bimbo makes herself look like a total bimbo. What were all of the sluts expecting? A rich, powerful and handsome knight in shinning armor that will wisp the special girl off her feet travel around the world in his million dollar yacht?

If you look at older Disney movies they totally instill the idea that the good guys are handsome and the villains are ugly. Beauty and the Beast is a perfect example. Even as the beasts he doesn’t look scary or ugly. And the chick of course is beautiful. I never seen the movie but I know at the end he becomes a handsome prince. What is the moral of that story? Another example is the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Again Quasi Motto isn’t really hideous at all while his master is some ugly douche bag. That’s why I appreciate Shrek. Spoiler! At the end of the day she is beautiful as an ogre and gives society the middle finger and says who gives a shit about how you look?

Ghost Busters

Believe in anything you want but I find the idea of believing in ghosts is just plain silly. I could care less if someone thinks ghosts are real because it doesn’t really affect my life like how religion does affects my life.

But look at it from a scientific angle.  First everything is made up of molecules. Duh. So what kind of molecules make up a ghost? Maybe hydrogen, helium or ghost molecules? We see light waves so what does a ghost look like? Are they semi invisible light waves or do they appear solid just like us? The thing is how do they move around undetected? Or do they just pop in and out like Night Crawler.

Here’s my beef with ghosts. How come a ghost just doesn’t appear in Times Square or in front of a crowd of people?  No, most people see them in these dark secluded rooms in some old creepy house. Or they feel a presence because the stairs creek or the door closes on its own. Whats this my Nintendo Wii turned on on its own, it must have been a ghost! There is no other possible explanation. Sometimes they have these sketchy photos they used with their cell phone. Is it just a shadow or is it a ghost, who knows.

Don’t get me wrong I think if some old lady died in the bathtub that would freak me out. But what does a ghost do?  I mean if the old lady drowned in the tub why does she haunt the house instead of going to heaven? I much rather play squash with Jesus than float around in the house you died in and scarring the kids.

Why are they here at all? Some people say that they have unfinished business to be done in order to ascend to heaven. Does the old lady have to save little Timmy from drinking Drano?  Or does she have to scare people away from the house because there is an electrical problem and the house might explode?

The brain is a curious thing; it can play tricks on you. After all every thing you see is a relative and a product of your brain. Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between real and unreal. If you ever seen the movie A Beautiful Mind you know what I mean. So I’m not saying people haven’t seen apparitions but that they are simply hallucinating. However people are adamant that they aren’t hallucinating but that is what a hallucination is.

On a lighter note I just watched the movie Ghostbusters. On VHS. I absolutely love it; it was one of my favorite childhood movies. Of course I didn’t get half of the jokes at the time. Like I didn’t understand the whole menstruation joke until four years ago.

Ghostbusters has an all-star cast. Bill Murray is hilarious, one of his best performances. His girlfriend Sigourney Weaver is totally hot; even as Zuul. Dan Aykroyd is funny too; he has the best lines. Egon is the smart guy and I think he was typecast as the smart guy. Rick Moranis plays the funny geek who ends up becoming the key master. Then there is Winston, the token black guy. And Carl from Family Matters has a brief part as he plays the cop once again and lets them out of jail.

At the beginning of the movie they find the ghost librarian and I was too scared to watch it as a kid. I would put my pillow over my face and ask when the scary part was over. But my brother would tell me right when the ghost goes crazy and screams at them. I had nightmares because of that shit.

My favorite part is when the gigantic Stay Puff Marshmallow Man attacks them. And then there is marshmallow globs all over the place. I wish I could eat it, it looks very tasty. Who has the graham crackers and the Hershey’s chocolate bars? I wonder how many marshmallows it took to make this movie. And do you think the Marshmallow man could take on Godzilla?

The Ghostbusters song kicks ass. It’s very fun to do at karaoke with your friends. I know I have Ghostbusters on my speed dial if there is a something strange in my neighborhood. But they have a huge waiting list that takes weeks. Some people decide to go for the second rate Bansheebusters. But they have all sorts of hidden costs like storage, fuel and plutonium.

Greg the Artist

I like to draw. In kindergarten my classmates drew the weirdest pictures; things that don’t resemble anything all. Such as crude circle creature with arms sticking out of their body and thirteen fingers. While I on the other hand could draw pretty decent people. Even so, now when I look back on my older pictures my mom kept, I thinking what the hell was I thinking? All of my pictures had a smiling sun in the top corner. I mean you need a sun don’t you?

Later on in school my skills in drawing and staves grew stronger and more powerful.

I loved to draw Star Wars. I loved to draw cartoons like Mega Man villains, Nintendo characters, especially Yoshi and Link and comic book heroes like Spiderman. And my own character: wormy. Soon I was helping the girls draw soccer balls and Canadian flags for them. And I think everyone has drawn the whole sun setting in the ocean painting.

I never did win the Remembrance Day poster even though my poster was very detailed. I lost probably because it was very graphic. I always drew soldiers killing each other and dead bloody bodies lying everywhere. Quite disturbing for a grade two kid.

In high school I would doodle all of the time in class instead of listening to the teacher go on about the legislative government or whatever. I would doodle on every empty space there was. I liked draw what I was thinking or my own name. And I liked to draw pot leaves and mushrooms. So taking visual arts was a no brainer. Again I was one of the better artists. Too bad I ran out of white paint and had tons of yellow paint left.

We learned a great deal of artists like the creepy Van Gogh. Who cuts their own ear off and send it to the girl that they are stalking. What does he expect? Oh thank you creepy stalker I love it and I will place your ear on the mantle. Haha can you hear me? I mean when I send packages to Jennifer Love Hewitt I don’t send my fucking nose. And who paints their own portrait fifty times? Hey next time try painting bunny rabbits or rainbows. I guess all of that toxic paint made the man crazy. I ate paint chips as a kid.

I had to do a report on Picasso and I wanted to be funny. It was but you’d have to be there. He’s not gay or anything even though he slept in the same bed as another guy. But he does have women issues as you can see from his pictures. Some of them look like a damn retarded potato head. If you try to move it around you’d be oh it’s a face.

I used to think abstract paintings were for people who couldn’t paint. For instance there was just a blue square and I’m asking what the big deal is? So for my next painting I painted a red square. It was harder than I imagined. However now I appreciate all forms of art. Not to sound corny but good part of art is seeing what you are going to paint.

So I’m taking visual art 101 and am excited about painting nude models. For once I can check out and stare at a naked chick without feeling totally creepy. I was thinking it would be like a strip joint. I was wrong. I thought only hot chicks would pose because they’re not ashamed of their hot bodies. No these creatures were gross. They were fat and had sagging breasts and gross as fuck bushes. I mean when you have twenty people staring at you you would think they might make themselves presentable. And I forgot about we had to draw dudes as well. Dudes who were obviously gay. I sat behind the model because unlike the kid in Super Bad I don’t like drawing dicks. So what I did was draw a censored box over the junk or try to pixilated it. My teacher laughed.

But it wasn’t to be. My dreams of becoming a famous painter died when I realized that everyone else in my class was a million times better than me and there would be absolutely no point to purse such a career. And my teacher said it gently that my paintings were sketchy. But I passed and got a %70 and another credit. So hey if any hot chicks want me to do a nude painting of them I’m your man. I charge only fifty bucks.