Fairy Tales Part Two

Chicken Little

I never understood Chicken Little. So there is this retarded chicken that gets hit by an acorn. Only he’s no Isaac Newton. He clearly doesn’t understand gravity. No he thinks the sky is falling. He’s coocoo. Haha. That makes no sense. Hasn’t he get hit by rain, snow, hail or other falling nuts before without any falling sky?

So the cock (haha) rallies his equally stupid animal friends to see some lion or king about acorns and falling skies. Then a fox tells them to follow him. He leads them into his den and then eats them. This whole story makes no fucking sense. Apparently it’s about mass hysteria or something.

The moral of the story is animals are gullible and foxes enjoy eating these stupid animals?

The End

The Hare and Turtle

This hare tells his friend the turtle he’s slow as shit and they should race. This is one cocky hare and decides to have a nap during the race. Because the turtle is slower than a retard with a helmet. He thinks slow and steady wins the race. The turtle wins and gets the babe. The hare wants a rematch. We later find out the turtle was on anabolic steroids.

Too bad this doesn’t apply in the real life. Imagine you are racing against a fat kid for a medal and some cup cakes. Slow and steady isn’t going to do fuck all. It doesn’t matter if he can get all of the pies in the world if he wins. Just don’t go and watch Dexter during the race and you’re money. But you should share some cup cakes with him. He gave it his best.

The moral of the story is that rabbits are faster than turtles and they fuck a lot.

The End

The Ugly Duckling

Everyone loves baby ducks; they’re so cute. I like when they walk single file behind mother duck. Kind of like you have to walk single file outside of the elementary school when there is a fire. But haha, it’s not going to happen. I’m going to run away from the school as fast and far away as possible. Nobody is getting in my way. Not even the kindergarteners.

So these chicks are adorable. Unlike those annoying Canadian geese fuckers. But alas one duck is ugly. I guess a swan accidently left her egg with the duck’s eggs. Maybe she was too young to raise a chick, maybe birds can’t get abortions.

So everyone ridicules him and made fun of the supposed duck like everyone made fun of that token fat kid or total nerd that is in every school. There is always one. This is mean. Kids can be so cruel.

So the bird wanders to different places as an outcast. He wants to know his place in the universe. I too wonder why me? Why am I here, what am I supposed to do with my life? Oh God I’m so desperately lonely.

He hides during the winter. Seasons pass and springs comes around. He decides to meet some swans and they greet him. Then he looks at his reflection in the water and realizes he’s a beautiful swan. I too wish for one day to be beautiful. Then the handsome swam makes fun of the ducks. “Looks whose laughing now you quacks.”

The moral of the story is that looks are everything.

The End

Rumpelstiltskin

Nice name by the way. I wonder which baby books his parents were looking through when they landed on Rumpelstiltskin. “How about Robert?” “No.” “How about Ryan?” “No.” “How about Rumpelstiltskin?” “Rumpelstiltskin. Yes. Rumpelstiltskin.” And does he have a last name?

Rumpelstiltskin is a very, very disturbing fairy tale. If it’s a fairy tale at all. I think it’s just a little inappropriate for kids. So this miller is looking for some extra doe and he lies to the king saying that his daughter can spin straw into gold. I don’t think they mention her name. The king puts her in a tiny room with straw and demands her to turn it into gold by the next day. Or he will cut off her head!

That’s right he will cut off her head.  First off the miller should know that his daughter can’t make straw into gold. And he should know that the king would want her to do it and the miller knows she can’t pull it off. And the king should know it’s impossible to turn straw into gold and so he’s basically planning on killing her. Instead of her father. Obviously she’s fucked.

But here comes Rumpelstiltskin. He’s an imp. It’s just so happens this Impy can turn straw into gold. What are the odds? So in exchange for his deed he wants her necklace. Then the king puts her into a bigger room with more straw and Impy does it for her ring. Then the king puts her into an even bigger room with even more straw.

Hey Impy, you could have all of the gold in the world and it can buy anything you want with all that gold. But he’s evil douche and demands her first born child.

The stupid bitch marries the king. Yes the very same king that was going to cut off her fucking head. So they have their first child and Impy wants him or her. I don’t know why Impy would want a child anyway. So Impy gives her the chance to win her baby back. Baby back ribs.

Knowing he has a totally fucked up name he says if she can guess it by the third day he’ll let her have her baby back. “Oh baby, baby, baby oooh, like baby, baby, baby, oooh, like baby, baby, baby oooh, I thought you’d always be mine” –Justin Bieber.

I don’t know how many chances she gets, so I guess she looked at some baby name books starting from the top with Adam. But I guess she could get as far as Greg.

But lucky her, some villager just so happened to walk by Impy’s home and overhears him chanting his name like a crazy imp. So the queen answers his name and Impy freaks out. I would have said no, its, um Rudy. Now hand over the child.

The moral of the story is don’t give your kids stupid names or demand they turn straw into gold.

The End.

Cinderella

I have never actually seen Cinderella but I think I know the gist. Cinderella has two bitchy step sisters that treat her like shit and make her do chores all day. They didn’t even have dishwashers, washing machines or Swiffer back then. Or Mexicans. I’m joking.

Cinderella dreams of marrying a prince. Or George Clooney. So her Fairy Godmother transforms her from a lowly servant into a super hotty. Her Godmother even transforms a pumpkin into a carriage and some rodents into horses so she can attend some kind of party in style. With booze!

It was a magical night.

The prince is infatuated by her beauty and grace. And he liked her rack. And her ass. The problem is that this magic only lasts until midnight and then she will become a maid again. I don’t see why her Godmother couldn’t extend her curfew and let her remain a hotty till six in the morning. So Cindy runs for it and loses one of her glass slippers on the way out.

Prince finds the slipper and decided to have all of the women try it on. It was a size 4.5. He finally gets Cinderella to try it on and it fits perfectly. Which makes you wonder if the slippers fit perfectly, then why did it fall off in the first place? And are they made of glass because wouldn’t they shatter?

I assume they live happily ever after. And the cunts have to make their own hamburger helper, vacuum the basement and set mouse traps.

I myself slave over the house chores for my bitchy parents. They even made me shovel the sidewalk on a cold day, set the table, vacuum the basement, mow the lawn and make me make my bed! And all I get for all of this damn work is $50 a week! And cable television, beer, videogames, internet, a warm bed, food, my mom’s car…

I myself wish to marry a princess. She is Jennifer Love Hewitt and the girl of my dreams. But alas she is taken. I love the word “alas.” I hear she is going to club in L.A. But alas my Fairy Godmother is an alcoholic but got me tickets to L.A. And then transforms a giant orange into a limousine and two bums in chauffeurs. And um some expensive Hilfiger clothes. And bribe the doorman $5,000 to let me in. They just don’t let anybody in those bars.

There I find Jennifer in a booth with her asshole husband. She notices me and is captivated by my charm, dark skin, and rugged good looks. But alas my parents make me come home at ten. On the way out one of Nike shoes fall off for no reason. Jennifer finds it but alas I’m already home. By the way I put my name and address in my shoe. It’s size 15.

My woman googles my info and comes across my webpage I Have Issues. The very webpage you’re reading right now. She is captivated by my humor and opinions. But alas she says she is married, even though to the wrong man. But she Fed Exed my shoe. With the hotel address, room number and time inside. Yeah!

The End (to be continued)

Boxing Day

Heavyweight Boxing Day

As always Christmas was awesome. We had a feast. This year I asked my mom to buy extra, extra gravy because you can never have too much gravy. The turkey was delicious. I ate most of it. I love pumpkin pie. The next day I kept cutting slimmer and slimmer slices of  the pie until there was only one sliver left for anyone else.

I’m happy that I got my brother some awesome gifts. In fact I got him too much. But the sandals I got were too small for him and he didn’t like the belt. So I kept them for myself.

Back in Florida I got my mom to buy me some shorts for Christmas. They were intended for me but she thought they were for Chris. So Chris opens them and is like “sweet.” I told them they were in fact for me. Whoops. But I did get him some wicked swim trunks.

I also got him some movies, Family Guy episodes and Prison Break. Of course I will have to borrow them. And it took me a few hours putting all of my music together on two USB memory sticks. One for me and one for him.

At Winners I found this all in one workout thingy. It’s these two handles with a rubber cord that you can adjust and do like a dozen exercises. Naturally my dad was pissed and wanted me to return them. I explained that I could return them in two months, so if Chris doesn’t like them then I’ll return them. I didn’t rap it but I showed them to him. He likes them and so does my mom. “Told you so.” So we kept them and I hope there is another one at Winners.

As for my mom, she didn’t want any presents. But she did get the final Dexter season. And she bought herself some gifts for her from me. She loved the movies I got her too. As for my dad he didn’t get much. I felt kind of bad. I got him some Drambuie and turtles but not the latest Big Bang Theory. I couldn’t afford it. But I’m sure he’ll buy it  anyway.

I got him a few movies that he hasn’t heard of. Including Funny Farm with Chevy Chase. Speaking of Chevy Chase we watch Christmas vacation every year. Awesome movie. My favorite part is when the lights don’t work and he just loses it on the Santa Claus and reindeers. Eddie is hilarious too. His best line about his dog is “if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let him finish”

I got what I wanted and more. I got a Grateful Dead shirt from Chris. Great band. My favorite songs are Casey Jones and Touch of Grey. And a Rage Against Machine poster.

I expected some gift cards from my mom. Mmm, Big Macs. I will definitely use them. Good thing I got socks because my socks are looking pretty ratty now.

My dad is the one who gives the big gifts. He got my brother a gold necklace. Personally I don’t like bling, bling. I rather wear a $20 hemp necklace. And he got Chris some cologne. I think it was called dark something and Chris says that’s for black people. But he’ll wear it anyway.

As for myself, Santa brought me the latest Sim City for the PC. Too bad it was the expansion set. God damn you Santa. I might as well buy the game now instead of returning it.

Do you remember how much fun Sim City 2000 was? Back in the day in elementary school there was two or three Mac computers with Sim City 2000. Students would run to get it for recess. Two nerds even got into a fight over one. Me and buddy would play it after school. You had to make the whole map. Too bad you couldn’t expand the map. I had an awesome city with my own super hero and low taxes.

I specifically asked for Mario Galaxy 2. I told him to head to Future Shop. I haven’t played it until I’m done with the first one. Right now I’m stuck on this fucking giant mole boss and I have to destroy him before I can go any further. My dad got me some random game for the Wii U. I had to explain to him that I have the Wii but the Wii U is a new video game console that I don’t have.

I got this touch screen Coby M3P because my nano’s batteries last only like a half hour. Big mistake. It is a piece of shit. The volume is fucked up. I only get three radio stations and I’m sure camera doesn’t work. And I can’t find any add-ons. I hope I can return it. I’m sure my dad will be pretty persuasive. However I told him to wait. The stores are crazy busy. Even though Future Shop hires people for the Holidays.

Oh and I got a new laptop. Good thing because the one I’m using this very second sucks ass. It’s slow as fuck and probably has some viruses. It keeps crashing and freezing. The internet keeps quitting on me. And I think the only games I can play now are pong and Pacman. So this time I’m going to start off fresh. Especially no downloading of any kind.

Risk

Risky Business

Every year during the holidays my friends come back home and we drink some beers and play the annual Risk game at my friend’s home. It’s not just any other ordinary board game. It’s world motherfucking domination! And it gets serious. I even trained using Risk on the computer.

If you never heard of Risk it’s an awesome game. But I don’t like to call it a game. You play on a world map that is divided into six continents. They are North America, South America,  Africa, Europe, Asia and Australia mate.

And these continents are divided into countries and territories. It takes place back in colonial times so the world the regions are different. For one thing there is no Middle East, Mexico or Russia. And Greenland is fucking huge.

You have three pieces; a troop worth one, a horse worth five and cannon worth ten. But I rarely use horses or cannons. With these troops you fight your friends. Only I don’t like to call them friends. I call them the enemy. The attacker rolls three dice and the defender rolls two. With higher rolls the enemy loses a troop.

But don’t throw the damn dice on the fucking board and knock everyone’s pieces over. And if it hits the floor it’s a reroll. I suggest a bobble such as the one in Trouble. I just rhymed. And there are cards you collect to trade in for more troops.

So you move around taking over regions and fighting Charlie. If you have captured the whole continent you get extra pieces. The goal is to conquer the world. But this can takes a long fucking time.

This year we started early at a six. It can take hours and lasts in the wee hours of the night. But I don’t have a job and I usually wake up by 12:00. So it doesn’t really affect me. And I drank some noname energy drinks to keep me wide awake.

This is why we don’t allow wives or girlfriends to come over because it gets late and they want to go home. And chicks just don’t like Risk. Good thing I’m single. Hmm. I’m so lonely. But they come anyway and watch stupid T.V. shows and chat about girl things. I’m not sure what they talk to each other about. Maybe hair or tampons. I don’t know.

I’m always the first one out. And then I spend the rest of the night drinking heavily and watching whatever stupid show the women are watching. Like the Bachelorette. Very gay. I don’t like watching a show where guys fight over one chick and cockblock each other.

Part of the reason I’m first to go is because my friends are douche bags and team up on me. Part of the reason is that I go for Australia. I have come to realize now you can never win with the outback. There’s nowhere to go and you’re stuck down below. I just rhymed again.

So we decide to just deal out countries and territories. It’s less stressful that way. Besides choosing countries could take a good half hour. This time my troops were concentrated in two spots; Australia and South America. And my friend Sharp also had his troops concentrated in the same stops.

So I start placing troops in South America. Then he puts troops there. Then I put troops in Australia. Then he copies me. It went back and forth. I ask nicely to just pick one area or we will fuck each other up and neutralize each other. And that’s what exactly happened.

The pieces are rather tiny. So me and buddy had trouble moving them. On account of my shaky hands and because buddy’s fingers are too fat. Nobody likes when people hit all of the pieces. It’s a bitch putting them back in the right locations.

Sometimes it’s a good idea to make alliances. A perfect example is when one player has North America and another has South America. It’s beneficial for both sides not to attack each other and deplete their army. Too bad nobody wants to align with me. The trouble is people just break the alliance. I suggest you have to give at least give at least two move notice. Or it’s not really an alliance now is it.

My friends can be manipulative. They like telling other people what to do. “Hey Joe, you should go for Africa. Otherwise he’ll get three more pieces.” “Don’t listen to him, you can’t let Jim get any stronger.” “Don’t listen to both of them. You’re a smart person you can and you decide.” Then Joe makes a dumb move and everyone else gets pissed off. “Ugh why did you do that?”

Once again all of my troops were in Australia sucking each other’s dicks. I was trapped and couldn’t get any fucking cards. So I made a risky move and attacked but the defensive rolling was hot that night. But at least I wasn’t the first to go. Now I have to wait another damn year.

More Fairy Tale Blogs

I have already written two blogs about a few fairy tales once upon a time. Such as the Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Bean Stalk, Goldilocks and Hansel and Gretel.

I’m proud to say people really enjoyed my take on these fairy tales. So check them out in the archives.  So here’s what you have been long awaiting for. More blogs about fairy tales. I have written 14 additional fairy tale blogs and divided them into three parts.

Fairy Tales Part One:

Three Billy Goats Gruff

The tale goes that there are three goats. Talking goats that is. But animals can talk in fairy tales. Or in native stories that they tell around the camp fire. In fact my native name is He Who That Tokes Too Much Leaf.

Anyway there is a small, medium and large goat. Or little brother, older brother and even older brother. Or son, father and grandpa.  It doesn’t really matter.

They smoked all of their grass and decide to smoke the grass on the other side of the river. Because the grass is always green on the other side. But they must cross the river, only they aren’t going through customs.  No, there is a troll hiding under the bridge who wants to eat them.

Little brother is the first to cross. I don’t know why they don’t all cross the bridge together but hey its’ a fairy tale. The little goat is stopped by the troll who says he’s going to gobble him up. The little goat tells him his older brother is going to cross and will be a much bigger meal. I don’t know why the troll just doesn’t eat the goat and if he’s still hungry then he can then eat the bigger goat. Baaah.

The second goats pretty much says the same thing about his older brother. But the oldest goat kicks the troll’s ass and throws him into the river.  We never see troll face again. I think he‘s under some overpass or he is on Broadway. It doesn’t matter. The goats smoke a lot of pot and they live happily ever after stoned.

The moral of the story is that anytime you face a hungry troll just tell him to eat someone else that is bigger who is going to cross the bridge. Even if there isn’t anyone..

The End.

The Princess and the Pea

This has to be the most ridiculous fairy tale ever. I have no clue what’s going on. First off, why do fairy tales have to involve royalty, hidden castles, first born children, protagonists named Jack and wolves and foxes?

Once again a prince is searching for a princess. Which is hard to find because there aren’t too many princesses to pick from. You have Great Brittan and a handful of Middle Eastern princesses. And there are a lot phonies. Like Anastasia; that Romania chick.

Personally I couldn’t give an airborne shit if some hotty is or isn’t a princess. But it would be cool having a sugar momma. And erect huge gold statue of me killing a bear.

So genius places a pea under like 20 mattresses and have random chicks sleep on top of this bed. Then he asks how they slept. Most of them slept fine because they are sleeping on memory foam mattresses or taken nightquil. And most of them think he’s crazy. But it would be fun to jump on.

Then one bitch complained that she was uncomfortable, she couldn’t sleep and might even bruised. And he’s like yes! I got myself a real princess.

Wouldn’t this bitch be the last person you would want to marry? She would bitch and moan nonstop. “Um I think you dropped a skittle under the couch. It’s very uncomfortable. And my feet are cold.” This is exactly why you call someone a princess. Because they are spoiled.

The moral of the story is the writer should stop smoking crack.

The End

The Monkey’s Palm (I know its not really a fairy tale)

So this Mr. White gets this mysterious monkey’s palm off some mysterious man so he can grant three wishes. But this mysterious man warns him about the dangers of the mysterious monkey’s palm. Mr. White wishes for $200. He could have easily wished for a cold million.  But whatever.

However he does get the $200 for compensation when his son dies in some accident in the factory. And I’m thinking only $200? So they burry him. Then Mrs. White wants her husband to wish for his son to come back home. Um she could easily just ask for her husband for the palm so she could give it a shot.

The son comes back to life and is knocking on the front door. But Mr. White soon realizes this could get ugly. Like his son is some kind of zombie. I guess they don’t have a pin hole. So he wishes his son to return to the cemetery and burry himself. Why not just get Mrs. White to wish for everything to go back as it was before?

It’s funny that when I cut off a monkey’s palm I also faced a similar curse. My first wish was to go out with the hottest chick ever; Jennifer Love Hewitt. But she mentioned I was going bald. So I wanted to please her and wished for more hair. However the next day I grew hair all over my body and I turned out looking like Chewbacca. And I have to buy a shitload of razors or buckets of wax. “We need more wax.”.

The moral of the story is be careful with monkey’s palms and make sure you buy them a dependable and reliable monkey palm dealer.

The End

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

I think everyone has heard of this story. But I’ll tell it anyway. So there is this shepherd kid that is herding his sheep. He decides to be an ass and thinks it’s funny if he pulled a prank and tell the villagers a wolf or wolves are killing his sheep. They find out he tricked them and they think boys will be boys.

It was so ridiculously funny he did it again. But then there really is a wolf eating his sheep and he cries. But the villagers are sick of his bullshit and don’t believe him. So he gets eaten alive by the wolf. And the village people are like whoops.

This reminds me when way back in college the fire alarm went off in my dorm. I guess fucking douche decided it would be hilarious to pull the alarm. So everyone had to evacuate the dorm and the fire trucks had to come. Fucking idiot. It was so funny someone else pulled the alarm in the freezing cold. And the fire trucks had to come. Again. Fucking loser.

And guess what, it happened a third time. Sure the alarm was the worst sound ever possibly made and I could potentially burn to death but I was sick of this bullshit. And the fire trucks had to come again. Again.

The moral of the story is that gags and pranks are only funny when nobody gets hurt or if the fire trucks don’t have to come. Except when you steal old people’s walkers. That’s always funny.

The End

Sleeping Beauty

So a king knocked up his wife the queen after him taking some Viagra and her taking fertility pills. They are holding a ceremony for their daughter that seven fairies attend with gifts. Gifts of hotness, wit, grace, break dance and rap music. They just hope nobody got the same thing.

But one fairy is evil and puts a curse on her so that when she pricks her finger on a sewing machine she dies. Another fairy then changes the curse so that when she does prick her finger she goes into a coma for a hundred years until she awakens by a prince.

Therefore the king demands all sewing machines to be banned under the penalty of death. With the parents away, she snoops around the kingdom and finds some old lady with a sewing machine. Old lady didn’t get the message. Curious, she tries sewing and you got it, she pricked her finger.

And she goes into a deep coma. Her royal parents then lay her on a memory foam mattress so she’s comfortable. And made sure no peas were underneath it. Haha.

Afterwards a good fairy decides to put everyone else in the kingdom to sleep for some unknown reason. And then she put trees, brush and other annoying shit around the castle to ward off any intruders. The sign said only princes, no trespassing.

Exactly a 100 years pass by and a prince discovers the castle. Nobody has cut the grass for years and the mailman never stopped delivering the mail. The prince finds the princess and tries to cup a feel and booya she awakes. I guess she needed her ‘beauty sleep’. Haha. Beauty sleep. I am hilarious.

It’s love at first sight so they marry and live happily ever after. Meanwhile the rest of the people also awake and wonder what the fuck happened? In fact many didn’t survive the long slumber. But the story goes that they just picked up what they were last doing and everything was back to normal.

The moral of the story is beware of evil fairies and sewing machines.

The End (To Be Continued).

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The Greg That Keeps On Giving

I love Christmas shopping. I like to look for the perfect gifts for my family. But I still look for things for me at the same time. I mean I’m already at the mall, I might as well. I get a warm fuzzy feeling when I find something they love. Or need. Like little Timmy’s wheelchair and artificial heart valve.

Every year my mom says she doesn’t want anything. And every year my dad buys her loads of stuff. Like an Ipad that she didn’t want. She even bought her gift for me to give to her. So I got her some movies she might like. And part of my present is going to church with my mom. She likes to show me off to the regulars. But she won’t let me eat the Jesus crackers and the wine because I’m a huge atheist.

If my dad wants something he will just go out and buy it himself. So I pretty much can only buy him Drambuie and turtles. Every year my dad exchanges gifts with his sister. She gets him some expensive sweaters that he never wears. This has been going on for like 20 years. He’s running out of places to keep them. Half of them don’t even fit him anymore.

I bought my bro lots of stuff. Such as South Park Season 15. Sweet! I buy things that I would like. And if he doesn’t want them, I will keep them. And I spent some time putting all of my MP3s together on a USB memory stick. I had over 5,000 songs but I could only fit 4,000. So I had to delete any shitty music. Like Creed.

It’s funny; I don’t really need or want anything at all. Except for a MP3 playa. I searched Future Shop and the IPods were well over a $150. So I got different one for $60. With touch screen. And a camera. I hope it’s just as good. I mean I already have a massive collection of clothes, video games and movies. I don’t need anymore. Maybe some more long sleeve shirts. Maybe some marijuana.

I ask for tons of gift certificates for all of my favorite shops. I’ll use them eventually. Like McDonalds. Mmm. Big Macs. Or Winners, Dollarama, Giant Tiger, Tims, the movie theater. And the strippers.

My aunt already got me $25 to Tim Horton’s. I need my morning coffee. Thanks! She also got me a Tim’s toque. I like hats but I’m not going to wear it. So I called her to thank her and said I love it. It reminds when someone gets you a stupid shirt or some ugly sweater that you will never wear in public. But every time they visit, you have to wear it.

And I asked my brother to surprise me. I think he might buy me a hat or watch. I could use some shoes because I wear them out so quickly from all of the walking I do. Which is pretty much every three months. The problem is I have looked absolutely everywhere for clothes and items. But some good kush would be nice.

My dad always buys me cologne. I just don’t like the smell of men’s cologne. I don’t care if Justin Timberlake endorses it. I rather have the sweet scent of strawberries. And I don’t go to the clubs anymore anyway. But do you think it works on picking up chicks? “Hi handsome. You smell nice.” “Its endeavor, by Guuuchi. I have more at home.” So I give it to my brother.

As for video games; I’m in no rush to get the next generation consoles. For one thing I have a dozen games on the go. I rather wait a year to get Xbox One when it’s cheaper and has a larger library of games. As for Sony I never liked their controllers. And I don’t need a blue ray playa. And I think my friends will also go for the Xbox One too. My brother on the other hand wants a Sony 4. One reason is because it’s more expensive. So he thinks its better.

As for the Wii U, I don’t see the point of having a screen on your controller and watch the television. I hardly have my friends over to play video games with me anyway. And most of my video games are hooked up in my tiny bedroom now. My dad won’t let my hook it up on the big screen. Besides my friends rather play online.

I guess the controller might come in handy for RPGs. Like a map of Hyrule. The 3DS looks cool. I don’t know if the 3D gets annoying after a while, but I might get it for my birthday for next year to play while I’m down in Florida.

So I pretty much know what to expect. I usually get like ten hockey tape rolls. No more bugging other players for tape. I always get socks. Goodbye socks with holes or the ones that don’t match. And enough with the tube socks that look stupid in the summer. I also get undershirts. They get pretty gross after a while. I sweat a lot.

I always get chocolates. Too bad each year my mom gives me the assorted ones where I only like a third of the box. And sometimes they don’t have the damn description of each piece of chocolate. So I have no fucking clue what I’m going to get. Just like Forrest Gump. So I make some trades.

I might as well get Mario Galaxy 2. I see Yoshi is in it. Remember Yoshi? Good fun. I used to draw Yoshi as a kid. And I tried finding this wicked game Xenoblade for the Wii. Too bad it’s a rare gem and nobody carries it anymore. Damn!

Every holiday season my mom’s church asks people to buy gifts for a less fortunate child. Haha, because they don’t get anything for Christmas. Haha. Because they are poor. Haha. Because their father is an alcoholic. Haha. And the church doesn’t want anyone to buy stuff from the dollar store.

But seriously; I helped her out in getting something cool for a 15 year old.  I wanted to get him some expensive stuff but there was a limit for every child. You know when one kid gets an MP3 playa and his brother gets a cassette playa.

So we got him some cheap clothing articles like a cool toque that turns inside out. I picked out a skateboard. My mom picked out a CSI board game. Come on. It was like five bucks. He’s never going to play CSI with his friends. Or even know what CSI is. I thought a Risk board game would be good fun. But again there is that cap. And we got him a few more nicnacs, like a deck of cards. You know so he can play war.

My mom had to get a huge fucking bag for the skateboard. I myself bought a skateboard years ago. I loved Tony Hawk so I thought I’d learn to skate and pull off my own sweet moves. I could barely just skate. I think I managed to pull off an Ollie like three inches. Now it’s collecting dust in the basement along with my electric guitar, boom box, all of my VHS movies, my 13 inch rear projection T.V. And the Atari.

Oh but what I really, really, really, really want for Christmas is the Holy Grail! And everlasting life.

Go To Your Room!

Cheesy Lines Parents Use

Do you remember when you were younger and think you would be a cool and hip parent when you have your own kids? But then you become your own father. As for me I don’t have any children. Hmm. It seems eventually you start using these lame ass lines you tell to your own children.  So here are some lines you tell to your own kids

If all your friends jumped off the bridge would you?

                            

Um, no. This is the argument when all of your friends are going to some event and your parents won’t let you go. Like you plan on going to see a Nickelback and Simple Plan concert. It’s stupid. My friends aren’t going to jump off any bridges. And if they did there would be a reason to. Like you’re jumping off a low bridge for fun. Or if you’re on fire. Or if you just hate your life.

Not under my roof.

My parents always used this line since I was teenager. Like you want to perform a satanic ritual and your mom won’t allow that in their house. But teens don’t have enough money to get their own roof and so they must live with their parents. And since I still live with my parents I’m screwed. I even have a curfew. But when I’m under my own roof I’m going to do whatever I want. Like smoke weed and stay out late.

Money doesn’t grow on trees.

You’re absolutely right! Money doesn’t grow on trees. Still don’t see why I can’t an 80 inch screen T.V, massaging chair and or hot tub. Or even my own hovercraft. But it would be awesome if it did. I would enjoy raking $100 bills. And then pay the neighborhood kid to bring me Big Macs and chicken mcnuggets. With ten packs of honey.

I’m not your friend’s mother.

My mom used this line when I was younger. I might ask if I could get a Turbo Graphics16. “But mom I really want to play Bonk’s Adventure. Brett’s mom got him a Turbo Graphics 16.” “I’m not Brett’s mother.” Then my mom has the audacity of saying her friends’ children do such and such. Like their kids go to church or eat “healthy.”

I will turn this car around.

Do you remember as a kid when you’re going for a trip and being annoying? Like you’re heading to Sea World and your dad wants you to shut up, sit down and stop hitting your brother. “I will turn this car around and you won’t get to ride any of your precious rollercoasters!” But is it an empty bluff? It does work though. The funny part is you’re parents can’t use that line on the way back. “I will turn this car around and go back to Sea World.” Or maybe they just leave you there.

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

I understand this concept. You shouldn’t say mean things to people. Or at least in person. It’s one thing to joke with your friends about this ham girl we know. But I’m not going to call her a fat hog to her face. And what if she asks if she looks sexy in her tight jeans? I guess you lie. And does calling your friend a fag a mean thing? Otherwise you look stupid for not saying anything at all.

I will give you something to cry about!

My dad is normally friendly person. But he can get pretty ugly when he’s angry. Such as when I would cry. And I cried a lot as a kid. Over nothing. Like when he wouldn’t get me a Stretch Armstrong or let me ride those stupid helicopter rides in the mall. So my dad would say “I will you give you something to cry about!” It scared me straight. Now I don’t have any emotions at all and lost my ability to cry.

When I was your age.

Parents always think we have it easy as kids. It’s true though. All I do is play video games and have naps all day. Sometimes the odd day I might have to shovel the driveway or clean the dishes. My mom tells me she had to work at the farm and walk to school in the freezing cold. My dad tells me he didn’t have a car or his own T.V.

Because I said so.

This is the stupidest argument ever. Haha. Because I said so. Haha. It’s used when your parents can’t come up any rational explanation or reason. My mom uses this all of the time. Even when she’s wrong. But she can’t be wrong. “Mom can I go to KFC?” “No.” “Why?” “Because I said so.” “I’ll use my own money.” “No?” “Why?” “Because I said so.” “I’ll walk there.” “No.” “Why?” “Because I said so.” Then I’d ask my dad.

Gameboy

Gameboyz in the Hood

I was never the biggest Gameboy fan. I rather just play my NES. When it first came out it was a technological wonder. Now you have cell phones and the original Gameboy looks like a bulky piece of shit. I have seen tamagotchi pets with more horse power.

The only time I really played Gameboy is on trips or when I’m waiting for something. Like when I’m in the doctor’s office awaiting the results of whether I have hepatitis ZZ or Aids.

I didn’t like the fact that you only see shades of yellow. Like one of those old shitty sepia movies. And the music and sound effects are lame. It kind of sounds like R2D2 on crack.

It was a time when people still used AA batteries. And it drained those batteries. Like when you’re playing Zelda or some other RPG and haven’t saved for an hour and are frantically searching for the save beacon. This happened a lot, like when I was working at Little Caesars and I had to do a delivery right away.

When you think about Gameboy, Tetris immediately comes to mind. I never really enjoyed Tetris. I loathe that repeating music. Nintendo should have got Toto to make the music. Everyone likes Toto.

I found it really, really frustrating and not challenging. For one thing you always need that damn allusive long piece badly. And you only get it when you don’t need it. I think I beat it because you see the rocket launch after you’re done. And I think I made it to level 15. However I admit, playing Tetris against someone else is so much more fun. I love trying to fuck up your friend when you clear several lines at once.

I rather play Dr. Mario because it’s much more fun and easier. For one thing you go through stages. If you never played it before its like Tetris only Dr. Mario throws pills. Like my Laxatives. Your whole objective is to clear the viruses. There are three different colored viruses. The pills have two sides just like any old school pills or my Oxycontins. And they are the same colors as the viruses. So when you get four colors in a row they all disappear.

Again it’s much more fun playing against your friend and trying to fuck them. In my first year of college this girl had Dr. Mario for the NES. I kicked ass but I could never beat her. They called her Jesus.  So I bought it for N64 and used to play against my friend. We both love gambling and would bet on Dr. Mario. Very fun. Very nerdy.

It’s heartbreaking when kids have cancer. But I hear child patients actually play Dr. Mario because they are fighting off the viruses in the game just like they are fighting off viruses in their own body.

I love Mario games and have beaten all of them. My favorites are Super Mario 3 and Mario 64. I already written a huge blog dedicated to Mario. But I was disappointed with the Gameboy ones. The enemies were weird and it never felt like a true Mario game. I did finish it and my favorite levels were the scuba ones. But I have no urge to ever play it ever again.

On the other hand Zelda games are always awesome. I loved Link’s Awakening except Gameboy only has four buttons. So you can only carry two weapons at a time and you have to keep switching them. The other two Zelda games for Gameboy color; Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages are fun too.

But they are a little too linear for me. I think Zelda games should have bigger areas to travel to. And I don’t like how you have to complete puzzles and quests in order. That’s my beef with Skyward Sword. I love it but they should more places to explore.

                                                  

One of the main reasons to own a Gameboy is of course Pokemon! In fact the worth of the Gameboy was much greater when Pokemon first came out then it was like five years before hand.

I put my Gameboy away thinking I’m never going to use it again. So I tried a Pokemon emulator and I was totally impressed. Then I looked through a pile of things and got my dusty Gameboy out. And my yoyo. And my dirty magazines. I bought Pokemon Red. My friend got Pokemon Blue. It came in handy when I broke my leg and my friends stopped hanging out with me.

Years later I got a Gameboy Advance. So I finally put my Gameboy to rest. Again. I think my mom uses it as a paper weight or door stopper. I think they should have included two more buttons like a Super Nintendo controller.

I got a lot of rereleased NES and Super NES games like any Mario, Zelda, and Pokemon game. There are other gems out there like Advance Wars, Final Fantasy and Golden Sun.

Years later I got a DS. So I Finally put my Gameboy Advance to rest. And I have  a zillion games. I spent a fortune on them. They came in handy when I’m in Florida or when the power goes out. Sometimes I prefer old school RPGs, strategy games and thinking games over action and shooter games.

Years later I want a 3DS. I don’t know if the 3D effects are cool or get annoying after a while. Is it worth buying Zelda: Orcina of Time to see the 3D effects and play where ever you want? I might wait till my birthday to get a 3DS when they are cheaper and there are more games available. I do want to try the new Mario game or any RPGs I haven’t tried.

I waiting the challenge for any pokemon master to fight me. Anytime, any place.

Florida Trip 2013

I’m back!

I just got back from Florida. I had an awesome time. Too bad I didn’t bring my laptop. I thought I’d use my dad’s laptop. His word expired and I couldn’t use Facebook or my blogpage. I tried logging on but it wouldn’t allow me to use it despite knowing the password. The problem is I used my home number and I don’t have a cell phone.

Updating I Have Issues

Again I wasn’t able to write any blogs down there. So I hope to get back on track.  Here is my third annual Florida trip blog. Time went so fast. We were there for six weeks. The weather was awesome. It’s kind of depressing now in Canada. Brrrr. But I feel well rested and ready to get back to smoking weed and playing my Xbox 360.

Packing

Once again my mom packed way too much stuff. She even brought a dozen shoes for each occasion. Like her thanksgiving shoes, her walking shoes, her black shoes that match her black dress or even her rainy day shoes. And then she bought more while we were down there.

Leaving me with no room even though we have one of those bags on the back of the SUV. I brought four clubs and my fishing stuff. We even got my uncle to take our golf clubs back home. So my dad made me pack light. And then my mom made me bring more shit like two jeans and cargo pants. I end up wearing my pants for the ride there and back. And that’s it. God forbid I could always just buy jeans there.

The Duplex

This year we stayed at this new place. We would’ve gone to my aunt’s place but my mom had a small disagreement with her. At first I was kind of bummed out. I found out it was a semi attached home and far away from any stores or Mc Donald’s. But it was a blessing in disguise.

My aunt’s place was close to my other aunt and uncle’s place. And near to the McDonald’s and the Mall. But it was small and had bugs. I would have to go sleep on the on the shitty pull out bed. And me and my mom would have to hear my dad snore. Just the other day my mom got those white noise things.

The new place was huge. It costs more than my aunt’s place, but it was worth it. The kitchen was bigger than mine at home. It had three televisions. A television for each of us. And we didn’t have to steal our neighbors’ internet.  The whole time we never even seen or hear our neighbors.

But I did try to open a locked house two doors down late at night. The guy answers and I apologized for waking him up at 11:00pm. I looked very sketchy. But everyone was very friendly there. The community looked very nice. And there were gates. I think they were only there for aesthetic purposes. The password was 1111 but maybe it wards off criminal idiots.

Everyone in the park pays a fee for the upkeep of the park. They were all Mexican but someone has to do it. They did a great job. Too bad they were constructing a McDonald’s right across the park but it wouldn’t be open till a few months.

Vero Beach

We stayed in Vero Beach. It’s off the Atlantic coast. Vero is a mix of wealthy citizens and poor people. Me and my dad were laughing when there is literally a track that splits the rich and poor. There are some pretty sketchy shacks. My tree fort was built better.

Then there are million dollar houses on the ocean. I’m not the jealous type but I would love to live their lifestyle. All you do is sip Corona and bask in the sun…

The Hat

I was shopping at the mall wearing my favorite red hat. It’s 100% polyester so it doesn’t leave sweat marks. I don’t know how many white hats I have gone through with yellow stains. So I was at Bells trying on clothes. I took off my hat and put it on a hook in the change room. None of the shirts fit. I get home and freak out when I realize I left it at the mall. It was a far ways. We head back and I spot it in the change room. Ya! I guess people thought it was just another item in the store.

A few days later I’m going for a bike ride to the brand new bagel store. It was very windy that day and I was going against the wind. I’m about to cross the busiest intersection in town when my hat flew off my head. I drop my bike on the ground and tried to grab it. It flies into the center of the damn street and I’m thinking this doesn’t look good. Well it got run over a couple times and I decided fuck it. And then I realize I broke the basket on the bike that I dropped. I actually said to myself what else could happen? It came pretty close to raining.

The Flea Market

We went to the flea market just for me. But my dad doesn’t want to shop with these lowlifes and white trash. He’s too classy, so he sleeps in the SUV. We are supposed to meet at the SUV in an hour. It wasn’t enough time. I spent most of it looking at all of these cheap movies and rare video games.

After an hour I forget where he parked the vehicle. I finally find it and tell my dad about all of these movies and westerns. I was supposed to wait at the vehicle for my mom but I gave my dad shitty directions to the shop. My mom comes along so I had to find my dad. I get lost trying to find my dad and then I get back and my mom is trying to find me. He is pissed off and we wait a good twenty minutes for my mom. But I did find How to Train a Dragon and the Incredibles. Sweet movies.

The Beach

We decide to hit the beach one sunny day. There were a lot hot chicks. And there were a lot of ugly chicks. I even saw these old people using metal detectors. Seriously what do they expect to find? Are they looking for Longbeards lost treasure? I hate to break it to them but you’re never going to find any gold doubloons washed up to shore. I would love to burry some metal coins in the sand and see what happens.

Suntans

I’m lucky because I am naturally dark. I never quite felt white when I was younger, even though I’m part British, part Belgian. I have a golden tan all year long. I understand getting a nice tan. But unless you’re going to keep it up, what is the point of it? And if you go to tanning salons you might come out looking orange.

So I’m at the pool looking good for the old ladies and I notice this older woman tans everyday. True she is dark. But her skin and body are all wrinkling and gross. She looks way too old for her age and I’m thinking why does she do this to herself? Doesn’t she notice how this makes her look? And doesn’t she realize she could get skin cancer?

Saltwater Fishing

Saltwater fishing is awesome because you can potentially catch anything. I brought all of my fishing tackle with me. And I realize I have all of this useless lures that I’m never going to use. Like these useless bobbers, useless flies, useless weights and useless whatever. I ended up getting my dad to tie the hook a few inches above the weight for me. This way its deep enough for fish but you don’t get snags.

My dad is sleeping while I fish. I’m having a good time until my dad tells me to pack everything and hurry up. He tells me the fishing police or whatever you call them is inspecting everyone. I don’t have a fishing license. So I go around the bend and ran to our car. What a relief, they fine you like $200. So the next day we go to Wal-Mart to get a license and the guy is clueless. He spent like twenty minutes until we got his manager to print it.

I caught a ton of fish. Probably two dozen blowfish. The first one I caught was awesome. I thought they were poisonous. Nope. They got annoying after a while but buddy taught me how to cut them up and use them as bait. And it worked. I also bought some shrimp but they kept falling off the damn hook. So you never know if it is still on the hook. And we got a cast net to catch small fish to use as bait.

The coolest part is when I saw a manatee a few feet from me. Awesome. I tell buddy to come look but he says they’re all over here and he has seen them plenty of times. And they are friendly.

The Thief

We were at Home Depot getting my dad this nice Christmas reef. It was the floor model so we got it cheaper. We are waiting for the guy to get it down and we see this girl go through those alarm gates. It goes off and she runs. Haha. Then two workers chase after her and bring her inside. They were telling her not to make it harder on herself. I laughed but I felt kind of sorry for her. But we never found out what she stole and why at Home Depot. Normally people steal small and or electronic merchandise. And why? Didn’t it occur to her that the gates might go off?

Poker

In my community me and a bunch of other retirees played poker three nights a week. Too bad one of them died. Very sad. On Mondays and Wednesdays dealer chooses the game. But I kept forgetting how to play these weird games and kept asking how many cards we get and whatnot.

I only knew how to deal Texas holdem. We played for money but there was a dollar limit on each raise. But I got way unlucky a couple of times. I had a boat one time but I lost like $15 to some guy with quad Queens. And on Friday we only played good old Texas holdem. I think I broke even but it was fun anyway.

The Shoes

I do a lot of walking all over town while listening to my Ipod. A lot of people see me and wonder where I’m going everyday. Well each day I have a mission or a destination. For example a mission might be to get a McFlurry at McDonalds. Or to get stoned and hit the animal farm.

Naturally I go through a ton of shoes. I purchased some cool and comfortable shoes at Wal-Mart for $25. Not too shabby. But I wore them out in three months. It was getting to the point that there was a hole forming in the heel and my socks were getting dirty. So I needed a new pair and thought I’d get some in Florida.

I hit the outlet mall for some good deals. I saw some cool looking shoes at a Reebok store. And I find out that I get a second pair of shoes for half off. The shoes were my size but I get home and they’re way too narrow in the end.  The shoes were rubbing against toes. I thought I’d exchange them for the next larger size. And again they were too tight in the end.

My dad is totally pissed off. Good thing I returned them for cash. Then I hit another shoe store. At first they fit well. I spent a good thirty minutes trying them on. But then a few days later the shoes were rubbing against my heel this time. And I’m like fuck me. I’m stuck with them until they are completely worn out.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is huge in the States. As far as I know Americans celebrate having turkey dinner between the settlers and kind Natives. Then the pilgrims took their land away and put them on shitty reserves. Maybe casinos if they are lucky.

I was at my uncle’s place for Thanksgiving. The community was holding a banquet for only five bucks each at the clubhouse. Our table was the first to get served first. The food was excellent. They also had pecan pie and pumpkin pie for dessert. It was so good I ordered two of each. Then the guy asked everyone to only have one slice. I could hardly eat my last slice and my mom wasn’t too thrilled.

The best part is my raffle number was called out and I won $25. I was excited. I was already thinking of what video game to buy. But then I had to pay my mom back. That’s no fun.

Black Friday

Then there is Black Friday. I have seen people camping out in front of stores for a few days to be first in line and get dibs on microwaves. Wouldn’t be easier just to get a job and buy whatever you really need at full price?

I want to know who decided to hold this massive sale right after Thanksgiving. It kind of takes away from the holiday.  But every store has to do it. And each year they open sooner and sooner. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving people raid the stores and fight with each other over televisions. Just check out Youtube. One bitch actually used mace on other customers.  Haha.