Jurassic Park the Lost World

As a kid I loved dinosaurs. At the “Bookmobile” I always picked the dinosaur books with pictures and hardly any words. So okay I loved Jurassic Park. It was a cool story and had some great special effects. It was the closet to ever seeing a real dinosaur. And I love Newman. I wonder where he is now?

But I already made a blog about Jurassic Park a while ago. I watched the movie a couple of times over and I never understood why everyone leaves on a boat when the inspectors are visiting. I mean the success of the park is riding on these critics and nobody is there. I don’t even think they had a test run of the park. And where were the chefs that cooked the meals? I mean they’re going to be there a while. Are they going to use the microwave and make some Kraft dinner?

But I didn’t like the Lost World as much. The movie begins four years later in another dinosaur island. It stars Goldblum, Vince Vaughn, some bald guy and the cokehead redhead hoar from Boggie Nights. Great movie by the way.  And I’m not being sarcastic. It’s a kick ass movie about porn set in the late 70s and early 80s. But there isn’t really any porn; which is good.

In the first Jurassic Park Goldblum is a loveable chaotician. Not a mathematician. He’s a bit kooky and says he has a lot of ex wives but wasn’t seeing anyone. He did try to hit on Dr. Sattler. So than how long were he and Redhead seeing each other? Were they dating before or after the incident? Personally I think she’s a bitch that is using him for a chance to see some dinosaurs.

Then there is his nosey daughter Vanessa. Since she’s black I assume he adopted her. Again how did he get custody off her? After the incident everyone thinks he’s crazy and I don’t think the adoption agency would allow him to adopt her. He actually said something like he didn’t leave her and split to Paris. That’s real nice. I’d like to go back to that part to quote it but its on VHS and is a bitch to rewind and pause.

The movie begins with these rich British people on some island. There are the parents, their daughter and like twenty servants. What exactly do all of them do anyway? It would be cool though having people wait on you hand and foot. “Geoffrey may you get me some Big Macs, some Triscuit crackers, a 3DS and some Jagermeister.” I would never ever call my son Geoffrey because they would just have to be a butler.

But I’m way off track here. The dad lets the little girl wonder off. She feeds some CGI dinosaurs, that aren’t there, some meat and then screams as they are about to eat her. They all run after her and mother gives a fantastic scream. I think she’s typecast as the woman who screams in the Lost World. Don’t worry the little girl is fine.

Its funny, way back in elementary school we were recording this audio tape. At one point this girl has to scream. So she does a shitty scream and I say loudly “what was that?” Then we played the tape back, she screams and then you hear me “what was that?” We played it a couple of times. Its was much funnier if you were there.

So Goldblum is screwed. He signed a waver of disclosure (is that the right word?) about what happened and he ends up looking crazy. He ends up going back to see Gramps. You see the grand kids for two seconds. I bet they got paid a hundred dollars and some fruit rollups just to say hello and to hug him and then disappear. Gramps is fucked, but he tells Gold about another dinosaur island that he wants him and some professionals to survey.

Gramps tells him that he prepared a team with Vince Vaughn, bald guy and finally his woman Redhead. Redhead is already there and Gold wants to rescue her. We meet up with his adopted daughter Vanessa who wants to come with. She doesn’t take too kindly of Redhead because she doesn’t have Sega. Hey look its 1997 and everyone has Nintendo 64s or Playstations. Look bitch, who the fuck is going to play a Sega?

So they arrive at the Lost World. They bring some serious technology and equipment but they couldn’t get a damn cell phone that works. The island stretches for miles but they just so happen to find Redhead in like ten minuets. How convenient.  Sure she has worked with dangerous animals but look bitch these are fucking dinosaurs.

She pets some baby stegosaurus and then scares it with the camera and is almost killed by the other bigger stegosauri. And once it’s over with she doesn’t give a shit that she was almost killed. And they find Vanessa starting a fire because she’s an idiot and wanted to come along. “Look bitch I told you not to come.”

So the gang sees a shitload of helicopters of a competing corporation. I’m assuming an evil corporation. Peter Ludlow is the evil boss and nephew to Gramps. He’s the CEO of this new evil corporation here to capture all of these dinosaurs so he can create his own Jurassic Park in the U.S. His team is led by this hunter guy.

My favorite part is where these poachers are on the trail and are catching dinosaurs. And my favorite character is the long orange hair cowboy who knows everything about dinosaurs. So the evil corporation setup evil camp and safely store the dinosaurs in cages. And the gang looks pissed for whatever reason.

I don’t know what the gang’s agenda is? Gold doesn’t give a shit about some dinosaurs. He’s there to bring his woman home. Baldy and Vince are just there to get some good footage. So I guess it’s the bitch who thought of freeing the dinosaurs.

Now this is the part that pisses me off. What was the point of releasing these dinosaurs? These are people here just to capture the dinosaurs for people to see and enjoy. They aren’t evil. So bitch decides to open all of the fucking cages. It’s the equivalent of releasing lions and tigers in a zoo. The dinosaurs run amuck. Now the corporation’s equipment is fucked and they are all fucked too.

Redhead genius decides to rescue a baby tyrannosaurus and bring it back on their convoy. Am I missing something here? Then the baby T-Rex’s parents are pissed.off and want their baby back. Haha baby back, baby back, I want my baby back, Chili’s, baby back ribs. And the Rexs push the vehicle over the cliff.

This is what bugs me about sequels. They decide that one part in the original movie was good, so hey lets do it again only slightly different. In the first Jurassic Park the T-Rex pushes the truck over a cliff. This time two rexes push the vehicle over a cliff. Hmm.

So baldy decides to be a hero and saves the others. And then he’s like “shit these rexes are going eat me because nobody likes me… sob” And he gets ripped apart. Whatever happened to the Mr. and Mrs. Rex after his daring rescue. And where is the baby rex in all of this?

And two seconds later the bad guys appear and both teams join forces to get the fuck out of the place. This guy dickface killed some little dinosaurs earlier and because of this, he must die. He decides to take a piss and tells Mexican guy he’s going to the men’s room. Well Mexican guy was listening to music, probably Enrique Iglesias and doesn’t hear him. He wanders around when he could easily take a piss behind any tree. Nobody is watching. He gets lost and gets killed by the very dinos he killed earlier. That’s karma.

So they setup camp and BAM, there is the male rex that I will now call Rex. Only Gold knows not to move because rexes only see movement. Nobody else seems to know that, even long orange hair cowboy. And cowboy loses his cowboy hat. Hey, if I was among like twenty people getting chased by a fucking T-Rex I’d run into the forest and hide. And not run down the convenient path getting picked one by one. Mexican guy doesn’t think of this and ends up getting squished. Arriba!

Earlier in the movie we are introduced to this hunter guy who only wants to hunt a male adult T-Rex. Don’t get me wrong, the T-Rex is the ultimate predator but what is he going to do with it? Sell it to the highest bidder or donate it to a museum? Or is he going to put it on his front lawn? So finally here’s his chance and woops he’s out of ammo. And even the guys who do have guns don’t seem to know how to use them?

So a bunch of people are cornered in a cave just inches away from Rex. Well idiot has a snake crawling around his neck and decides that getting bitten by a snake is worse than getting eaten alive by a dinosaur. So he steps out of the cave and Rex eats him. That’s gotta bite. Haha I’m hilarious. Haha.

“So hey we are being chased by Rex let’s run down this tall grass even though we should know that raptors lurk there and hey lets get picked off one by one.” I don’t know about you but I rather take my chances with Rex. And why do black people go to these dinosaur parks when they know they’re going to get killed. I don’t even know if there were any black people that did survive. So there is a close up of token black guy screaming as he’s about to get eaten by a raptor.

The movie follows the gang as they are attacked by raptors, narrowly escape and finally are airlifted. We find out that Vince stole hunter guy’s bullets. Had hunter guy had his ammo none of this shit would have happened. In fact none of this would happen if they didn’t free the damn dinosaurs in the first place. I am very happy though that the hunter survived because he’s cool and seems to be the only one who has remorse or any feelings about all of this shit that went down.

The gang then land in San Diego and Redhead lets her hair down. And in few moments the ship carrying Rex crashes into the port with everyone aboard dead. How did Rex get in those tight spots to eat everyone is beyond me because the baby had his mouth tied shut.  I think the dinosaur islands are in Nublar or Costa Rica or wherever. I’m no geologist but how did the ship get to the States when everyone aboard is dead and therefore could end up anywhere. But the ship happens to land in the exact right location.

Idiot opens the Rex’s cage and oh shit Rex is going on a killing spree. Rex decides to look for his baby in the suburbs. It’s kind of like Godzilla only Rex doesn’t fight Mothra or Ghidorah. They actually show three Chinese men running away. Too bad one of them didn’t say “look, its Godzilla!”

So Rex is going on a rampage and killing civilians all thanks to Redhead. One scene shows little Timmy seeing Rex and telling his parents. Normally I’d piss my pants and my dad would call me an idiot. So the parents also see Rex as he eats his dog. “Don’t worry Timmy we’ll get a new one. Maybe a golden retriever. And some new underwear.”

And finally you guess it, the evil douche Peter Ludlow gets brutally killed in the end. That’s too bad. Well they decide to send the Rexes back to the island. Am I missing something here? I have no clue how they are going to do it. But like the end of the Goonies it doesn’t matter where the ship goes. Finally you see the dinosaurs living it up in the now preservation island. And you see a pterodactyl that could fly anywhere. And then they made Jurassic Park III with Dr. Grant, his bitch and William H. Macy. I tried to watch it three times but I kept falling asleep.

Dumbass

I’m the Smartest Person in the World!

I’m not the sharpest porcupine in the forest. But I really don’t give a shit. As of now, what and when would I ever have to think or be intelligent? Seriously. Maybe when I play Zelda? And I even use the internet when I get stuck. And I get stuck a lot.

Ignorance is bliss. I know people way smarter than me working at McDonalds. Sure they can spit on my Big Mac or make fun of customers behind their back, but everyday all they do is flip burgers and take orders. I mean would you be proud to be employee of the month?

A side note. I even saw this huge and short beast working at the fries. I’m trying not to pick on overweight people. I understand you are surrounded by food all day but for Jesus’ sake there are better things in life than eating and not moving around.

Back in the day I was one of the smarter students. I was good at math, science and computers. But I was never good at English and French. Now I can hardly count chips at poker. And I used to be great at computers and writing scripts.  I was loved making HyperCard stacks and games. But I lost all ability and can’t even make the simplest of websites.

But I think everyone is good at least something. Even if you are good at being a total loser. I’m pretty decent at psychology and philosophy, but I think my strongest trait is being creative. I always had the best speeches, Halloween costumes, school projects and videos.

Part of my humor is presentation and how I deliver it. It’s not what I say but how I say it. That’s the problem with the internet you can get the wrong impression or you can’t tell if someone is joking or being sarcastic. Kind of how I love the Snow Dogs movie.

I was awesome at stone face back at elementary school. That’s where you try to make the other person laugh. One thing I did was lifting my shirt and rubbing my nipple. It worked half the time, every time. And when it was their turn to make me laugh I would think of my dead hamster or Cher naked.

My friends rip on me all of the time. But they know me and they know my tics. And it’s okay because they’re my pals. Still I do have feelings. But I’m a very easy going person. However if someone else is tried to insult me I might get upset. For example I just smoked a big joint with the guys at poker and then I sat at the wrong table and I couldn’t count my chips.

There was this one dildo kept calling me princess for some reason. Well douche bag is thinking hey this is perfect opportunity to make fun of me. So he made this hilarious comment that “when people get older their ears get bigger”. Oh no I have big ears. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep. By the way I’m being sarcastic. But he had a big nose.  So I came back with “I also heard when people get older, such as yourself, their nose gets bigger.” Zing. That shut him up.

It’s one thing to make fun of what I just said. For example at soccer I saw some these people taking pictures and I said “oh cool are they taking photos for the Sarnia Observer.” And my teammate said “no it’s the Toronto Star.” Fair enough.

But when you fuck up at making fun of someone, you’re the idiot. At hockey I said some stupid things just trying to make conversation. I kept forgetting people’s names and stuff. So Kevin the conveyer caught wind of this and tried way too hard to poke fun at me.

For example they were preparing the other rink for Seinfeld’s upcoming standup. By the way I wish I got tickets because I love Seinfeld. The zamboni happened to be late and I asked Kevin where it is. And he says something like “oh its not done until they zamboni the rink for Seinfeld.” And I said in a certain sarcastic tone “oh really” as in “ya right.”

Well he didn’t understand sarcasm and was laughing and he said he was only joking. And he thinks I’m the idiot.  So another time I asked where the pucks are and he says that he forgot them and we are using roller hockey balls instead. I finally I just said “Kevin what the FUCK are you talking about?!”

Back at UWO I was taking math and I was chatting with this American student. First off he was completely racist. Somehow our conversation got to religion and atheism. His point was that Thomas Edison is one of histories smartest people and he was Christian. I argued that just because someone is a genius doesn’t mean that he is intelligent or good at absolutely everything. For example I would love to go head to head with Stephan Hawking about religion, philosophy and life.

Anyway I’m very proud of my blogpage. I’m happy that my page has over 5000 pageviews from all over the world and people think I’m funny. It feels good. It’s something productive to do than just watching T.V. all day. I think I’m natural at making fun of things when given the opportunity. I’m not quick at comebacks unless I have time to think it over. “Ya the stupid doorknob store called and they’re running out of you. You stupid dumb jerk.”

Jerry, Jerry Springer

Talk Shows

I think most people would want to be on T.V. I wouldn’t because I have extreme stage fright and I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself. But many people are so desperate that they would do anything to get on T.V. and have their fifteen minutes. So some resort to talk shows.

I don’t know why you want would solve your problems on national T.V. Take Dr. Phil, who isn’t even a real doctor. Most of their problems are obvious. And some are not. But he tries to assess and solve their problems in a half hour show. Come on Phil, you know it’s not that easy. You can’t change someone with a just little sound advice. “Thankyou Phil, you opened my eyes and I’m a new man!” And why is Phil in one of those stupid Scary Movie movies?

Jerry Springer

I remember way back when a new show called Jerry Springer first came on air and it was hilarious. Springer is Jewish and one of my favorite early episodes is when he had the K.K.K. on the show. Springer almost lost it on them. The show was different and it caught on. Especially to the red neck crowd.

Soon the people on the show would fight each other and the whole audience chant “Jerry, Jerry.” It was funny at first but I found it got old with all of these white trash idiots fighting all of the time for no reason. It became expected that people would fight. I have never seen one episode where they didn’t fight.

I realize all of that fighting is real and probably hurts but I think a lot of it is choreographed. I think guest are chosen to be on the show based on how crazy they are. For one thing nobody notices that many guests were already on the show numerous times. Then there are the flashers. I love seeing boobs and all, but these flashers are usually fat and ugly. “No lady, please, just please put on some clothes you look like Jabba the Hut.”

By now the only part I enjoy is when the audience pretty much rip on whoever is on the show. It’s so easy and I love when people on the show get pissed off. And how can he keep making his whole reflection thing at the end. There are only so many times he can write something new about someone fucking his mother in law with a hooker and some sausages in a someone’s else’s trailer while the guy is at work at Wendy’s.

Jenny Jones

I’ll admit I didn’t mind Jenny Jones while she was on the air. She is Canadian and a former comedian. She really liked the whole makeover shows. Sometimes they don’t have much to work with and some are still just as ugly. It’s like having Rosie Odonnell on the show. There is nothing you can do except put a paper bag over her face. But the audience would clap nonetheless.

My favorite episodes are the “is this a man or a woman.” So these gendered challenged guests would strut their stuff and you had to guess what sex they are. The funny part is when they think the woman is a man and they’re wrong. “Haha I’m actually a woman. Haha.”

Soon they had a flood of “who is the father?” These women are hores. It’s pretty bad when you don’t know who got you pregnant. They have to have been fooling around with different men in a short period of time without any protection.

The problem is that people can’t afford to pay for a paternity tests and therefore end up on the show. I love when the guy finds out he isn’t the father and he is like the happiest man in the world. “Yeah bitch I aint your daddy.” And the real fathers are like: shit! I guess they have to do to the process of elimination with other men she fucked.

One controversial episode is when this guy on the show, Jonathan, had a secret admirer. He assumed she was a woman. No it was this major homo Scott that he knew. And Scott proclaimed his love for him on the show. Then Jonathan killed Scott three days later. That’s just a bit excessive.

But for all of you gay people please stop hitting on straight men. I thought you had a gay code like wearing pink shirts, one earring and cutoff jeans. I’ve have been hit on before and I didn’t know why. It was very awkward, annoying and disturbing. Don’t they have a homo radar? So look gay people go on some gay dating hotline or hit the gay bars. I think they are the ones with fluoresce lights, music like YMCA and Lady Gaga and names like the Cock Express or I Suck Dick.

Maury

Maury is an alright talk show but I’m not sure if it is on T.V. anymore. Most of his shows ran the same theme from “out of control teenager,” “who is the father” and “I have a secret to tell you.”

Imagine you’re on the show about your wife having a secret and you’re wondering what kind of secrets your wife has to reveal. “Hmm, my wife wants to reveal something and she can only do it on a television show. I hope it’s good. Maybe she is a spy, a millionaire or even an alien.” No she’s a transvestite. “Hmm, what wonderful news.”

I love the polygraph tests, which is a lie detector. I’m not sure how accurate they are and I know they won’t hold up in court. I always wanted to do one and see if I can beat it. It would be funny if I’m asked “are you Satan?” And I find out I am.

But the best ones are the ones with slutty teenage girls that want to get knocked up. For example one 14 year old wanted to get pregnant. I laughed my ass off since the girl had already two STDs. Another troll was so fugly that she had to meet men on the internet.  And other guest would pull the whole “it’s my body I’ll do what I want.” Yes it’s your body but I just don’t like looking at it.

Noah’s Arc

Noah’s Really, Really Big Boat

I’m pretty drunk right now and I decided to make fun of religion. Again. I already made fun of the Ten Commandments, church, prayers, Genesis, Heaven and Hell. But my favorite make-believe story is Noah’s Arc. I mean come on, it never happened. If you do believe in it you’re either crazy or just plain stupid. So here is my take on Noah’s arc.

For those who don’t know, a long time ago God was pissed off with all of these evil people he created and decided the best course of action is to flood the world killing all animals. Except fish of course. I’m no biologist but wouldn’t such a flood also kill all plant life? There is no way a tree could survive such a long time submerged in water. And what about birds, they can’t just fly around forever.

But Noah was cool and the man upstairs told him to construct an arc, gather two of each animal and float there until the flood was over. And once it’s all said and done God promised he would never flood the world again. Yeah! But he can always send a meteor headed straight for Earth.

So Noah would have to go around the world to capture two of every animal. That would be a bitch figuring which is the male and which is the female. I mean he must spend a lot of time just looking for the tiny dick of a porcupine.

I’m no geologist but how does he get around the world and cross the ocean. He would have to go as far as Antarctica to capture a cute little penguin couple.  He would also have to capture dangerous creatures like lions, crocodiles and me. Haha nice try.

But here is the funny part, once captured, let’s say some skunks in North America, how does he transport all of those animals across the ocean and back home? Hmm. Let’s see, he would have to build another arc to just to cross there and back. Rendering the first arc useless. It was never called Noah’s arcs.

There is no way Noah could get enough lumbar to build a ship. A ship large enough to fit thousands upon thousands of animals. He would have to contain them so the tigers don’t eat the cute little bunny rabbits. Then he would have to feed every animal its own diet and clean piles of shit. Noah must have lost a lot of animals. Like the drizzard or the T-Rex.

So God floods the entire world and all of those who didn’t believe in him die. Including little Timmy. I think it’s just a little cruel to drown people; even evil people. If some guy down the street made this arc or space rocket and warned us about a flood or some disaster I would think he is crazy. Unless of course you live in New Orleans. Why doesn’t God just release some chemical agent formulized to killing only evil people. Like in the movie Twelve Monkeys. Awesome movie.

The Ultimate Burger King Fight

I think everybody hates getting upset. Well almost everybody. There are the few who get an adrenaline rush from getting into arguments or even fist fights. But I rather feel sad over being pissed off. For example if I had a dog and he dies I would feel sad. If somebody hits my dog with their car I would get angry.

The funny thing about crying is that it starts to feel good. And then you think about other sad shit to keep it going. But being mad doesn’t accomplish much. I would have to hit the guy with my car to feel any better. Or at least sue him.

I used to be a bit of a spaz in school. I would get worked up over the littlest things. For example I wanted to play soccer and the kids would just grab the ball with their hands and throw it. I would be like come on guys you’re ruining the game! Or I would bring my football to school and the guys would do the whole keep the ball away from Greg. I was pissed off; I just wanted to play some football.

Another time I was camping with the guys and was in a really, really grumpy mood and didn’t have any beer. My friend brought his camera. He let other people use his camera except me and I didn’t know why. So I wasn’t having any fun and I got my parents to pick me up without telling the guys I was going home. In retrospect it’s pretty funny because my friends had no clue where I was and thought I was lost. Or even dead.

I now consider myself very laid back. There are a few things that piss me off; like the latest Indiana Jones movie, spilling pop all over my keyboard or the closing of KFC in Sarnia. Where the fuck I am going to get their world famous original recipe chicken now? I might have to do a border run..

So ya I’ll admit I cried or blew up many of times in elementary school. Very embarrassing. I remember going to the principal’s office many of times. We both hated each other. I thought he was a fag. By the way any Hogan friends please don’t mention any awkward moments. I will delete them. It’s funny though I have never seen my friend Stics cry or at least feel sad. In fact I think he is a robot incapable of any emotion.

Anyway the whole point of this blog is that a few days ago I witnessed the funniest break-up fight in Burger King. There I was getting the burger of the day and sat down. It was a whopper. Mmm. Across the room was this older couple just yelling at each other. The whole joint could hear them bickering. At one point he called her a hoar and I almost laughed out loud. And I look at the guys a couple tables down and they were giggling too. Even the Burger King employees started smiling.

This was going on for a while and was escalating. The manager wasn’t too impressed and looked like she was about to kick them out. I ordered some more mozza sticks because I wanted to see how this pans out. So the lady was crying her eyes out now and finally told him to fuck off. He said fine leave bitch! So she storms out into the freezing cold and he just sat there and finished his fries.  Priceless. Oh my God I wish I had a cell phone so I could put this on Youtube.