Backseat Driver

My brother just purchased a new car yesterday. By new I mean his first car. It’s a 2007 Safari jeep and petty sweet. He is so happy with this new bound freedom. I hope to drive it sometime. Now me and my dad don’t have to give him rides all over town.

I don’t know much about cars. I can’t tell the difference between a cylinder or a guzzle. The thing is that I should learn the autonomy of the car, or at least know where the high beams are. I also should learn how to cook.

Right now I’m using my mom’s Ford Focus. What an improvement over her old car. The cool thing is that they give you free satellite for six months. You see if they only give it to you for a month you would cancel it and forget all about it. When you have it for longer you get used to it and can’t go without it. I know my mom has to listen to her Christian Soft Rock.

My dad won’t let me drive his brand new SUV. And he never ever, ever would let me drive his Jaguar. Right now its in the garage and he hardly drives it. And I definitely would not take it out for a spin. Imagine I crashed it; he would disown me. I think I’d need 300 years of Working at McDonalds to pay it off. I could be dying and he would say you should have called a cab or ambulance. But dad I was loosing blood like crazy and couldn’t wait.

As a kid I use to get car sick. One time I took some gravel and it didn’t work, so I took some more. I ended up taking five and I didn’t realize that it was the gravel making me so sick. It was the worst feeling ever.

Most people get their licenses as soon as they turn 16. I waited until I was 17. Why I don’t know, I just didn’t get around to it.  The first time I actually drove a car was in the parking lot and I was pretty much idling for twenty minutes. And my first ride down a main road was scary as hell, especially at the lights. I found driving on the highway much easier. Now I hear the statistics that you would have far more of a chance getting in an accident in town than away. I want to know where they get these numbers because on average we simply drive in town way more often than leaving town.

I got driving lessons a couple of times and I think the instructor was very nervous. I even heard that he or someone else almost got killed and would never give lessons to this shitty driver challenged again  One time I thought I was going 50 km but I was actually going 50 miles. Whoops. So I passed the written test; it was easy when the instructor pretty much gave us the answers. I mean who knows the signal a bicycler uses to turn right or left.

The driven test was a bit difficult especially when he says to turn left on the busiest road. I took my time and waited about two minutes. Years later I fail my finally G license twice. I thought I was looking in the mirror and everything but I made a series of mistakes. One thing I never learned was how to parallel park. It’s just like Austin Powers for me when he is stuck in the hallway and can’t turn around. I had to actually ask a friend to pull my car out the parking lot for me once.

I should be dead by now. There are so many close calls. One time I went in reverse to make way for people crossing and I left it in reverse and when I hit the pedal and I almost hit the car behind me. Another time I got out the car and headed inside the variety store and the clerk hells my car is still moving and I pulled a Dukes of Hazard. And finally I almost hit a truck coming off the on ramp. Holy shit!

I actually got hit by a car from behind. I was following fairly close and quickly and so the guy ahead of me puts his signal on. I assumed he was turning at the up coming road but made a quick turn into the cemetery and I slam on the breaks and the girl behind me hits my bumper. Luckily she just paid us for damages and we didn’t get the insurance involved. And I was douche and scraped some guy’s car getting out and just drove away.

And finally one of the most horrible things I did was drink and drive. It’s stupid. Call a cab or something because you could or worse yet someone else could get injured or die.

But what I think is way more horrible is people texting. Do they realize how dangerous that is? Can’t you wait until you’re out of your vehicle? Same goes for women putting on their makeup. It’s these road ragers who honk if you take ten seconds to go on a green light. How important is your time if you can’t wait a minute. Some people are always in a rush to go home to do nothing or watch Wheel of Fortune

I can be a back seat driver; especially with my dad. He’s heavy on the pedal and follows really close to the next vehicle. I guess it’s that I don’t have control over the breaks. I’ll be watch out dad and he’ll tell me to let him drive and that he has never been in an accident before. He says to look out the window.

I have some pet peeves with driving. Don’t you hate it when you’re behind a bus and you can’t pass it? I also hate when bicyclers are on the busy roads and can’t just use the side walk. And then there are pedestrians that have to cross the street right now instead of walking a few meters away at the intersection. I also hate when you let someone in and they don’t give you the courteous wave.

I remember getting kids breaking into my car twice now. One time I was playing hockey and left the car unlocked for about two hours and in that short period kids stole my movies I rented. What bad luck. Another time I was getting out and my hands were full. Well I forgot that I left my wallet on the seat when I got drive through. And it just so happens that kids came by that night and stole it. I had to get all of my cards all again. I mean take the money but not the wallet fucking punks. Bastards! You can’t be that evil and inconsiderate. I would love to meet them. You took my wallet, now suffer the consequences; I have your pickpocket hand changed to the wall and you must saw it off or this time bomb will explode. You have ten minutes. Or you can just be my servant for a year, your choice.

I Learned to Read

So my mom always bugs me to sit down and read a good novel. I tell her that if a picture is worth a thousands words then a movie must be worth a million! But Greg you have to use your imagination. It is true that I have a crazy imagination but I’m too lazy. How good would Star Wars be if it was a novel? You might have the Narrator describing how terrifying the rancor is or how hot Leia is in her metal bikini.

Remember your parents reading you bedtime stories before you go to bed? I’d ask a lot of questions. My mom would be then lived happily ever after. At which point I was suppose to fall asleep. But no I would be then what happened? Well Greg the prince and princess had children and they lived happily ever after. Then what happened?

My favorite child hood book had to be Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day. Or the one where he gets his fat ass stuck in a hole. I use to laugh at his name Pooh. Ha Pooh. They never do show Winnie getting stung a thousand times when he is trying to get some honey. I never quite remember if everyone can see the animals or just Christopher Robin. I love all the characters; you get Rabbit, Tiger, Piglet, the mole, Owl and poor Eeyore. I never understood why the donkey was a totally buzz kill but I felt sorry for him.

Remember the Bookmobile? That’s classic, it was a library on wheels. We didn’t go to the library; it came to us! I think the only books I read were about dinosaurs because well I like dinosaurs and there were hardly any words. Obviously the R-Rex is kicks ass. Roar!

One of my book reports was on one of those Choose Your Own Adventure. It made completely no sense at all. My report ends with something like you choose to cross the road and get hit by a bus. I was also contemplating on doing a book report on Where’s Waldo. I’ve mention this before but I did such a good book report on the Hobbit that I pretty much used the same report in grade nine and ten.

My parents have a billion and twenty six books on our book shelves. Half are behind the first row and pretty much inaccessible. We should have our own library. We have all of these encyclopedias which are completely useless now with the internet. On a good day I might take me five minutes to look up something whereas all I have to do is Google it or look up Wikipedia

However I do enjoy reading magazines. At one point I had subscriptions to Maxim, FHM and Stuff. And I actually read all of the articles and not just look at hot chicks. Then as soon as I go back to school my mom throws them away. My uncle gave us old National Geographic magazines with those articles about native tribes and I see my first boobs.

I go to the Library with my mom sometimes and look at the movies. They actually had Borat, which is hilarious. And my mom has to keep reminding me not too be so loud, and I’ll be WHAT! I had to go when we did book reports on say Buffalo or Bison and the other group doing the same project as us take out all of the books. This was a time we didn’t have the internet. I always wonder how much late fees arte at the Library are. Well sir you haven’t returned your novel for six years and you owe a thousand dollar late fee.

Snowy Whitey

I bought a shitload of VHS tapes for 99 cents from Goodwill. I got really stoned and decided to watch Snow White for the first time. Why would a grown adult watch it? Just curious. By the way do you know the seven dwarves names?

I don’t know if her real name is Snow White or what. I mean is Snow her first name and White her last name? Or is it a nick name. Hey she’s a really really pale albino; let’s call her Snow White. I will hence forth call her Snowy. I wonder if they had tanning solons back then or at least put some sun tan lotion, you don’t want to be called Orange Pumpkin.

Spoiler! The dwarf’s names are Sleepy, Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Grumpy and Sneezy. Sleepy needs a good night sleep and some coffee. I’m like Doc; I always have my words mixed up. I think Happy does happy drugs. Grumpy is a spaz and Sneezy needs Reactine. Bashful is bashful. And Dopey scares the shit out of me. Honestly the retarded mute is freaky as Hell!

Nothing really happens in the whole damn movie. I think it was made in a time when people like seeing animated squirrels and enjoyed stupid jokes. So the evil Queen finds out she’s not the hottest of them all. She’s got a hot bod but looks like a crazy bitch. I’d give her eight while I’d give Snowy a nine. So Queen of the harpies wants to kill Snowy because she’s a crazy bitch. Look Queen we all get old and you’re not going to stay the hottest of them all forever. Soon your boobs will sag and you will have age spots and wrinkles. What happens if the queen finds out that she is the tenth hottest? Will she keep killing them off?

So the Queen hires some dude to kill her. But who could kill such a young hotty and tells her to run away. So Snowy runs into the magical forest and befriends the animals. Good thing there aren’t any bears. So she tries to sing with the animals but if she was on American Idol Simon would mock her. Snow White you are tone death and can’t hit those high notes. You have picked a song with pretty much has no lyrics; get packing.

So she breaks into a cabin and decides to clean up the place with the help of deer and other cute furry animals and decides to sing the same fucking song over again. Next you meet the seven dwarves in the mine but these are not your Hobbit dwarves, they are pussies compared to them. Gimili could kick all their asses. So they are leaving and start singing hi ho hi ho off to work we go. Hey dipshits, you should be saying hi ho hi ho off to home we go. And when they return they try to murder the intruder but find out its just some pale chick. So Snowy prepares dinner but makes them wash before they eat. This goes on for fucking twenty minutes.  

So the Queen finds out that Snowy isn’t dead and decides to do it herself. She uses some magic to turn herself into an old hag. Why not just turn herself into a younger and hotter bitch and let her daughter in law live. And she makes this magical apple that kills Snowy if she eats. Why go through all of this trouble when she can easily amass an army to burn down the cabin and kill poor Snowy.

So they dwarves chase her to a nearby cliff and the old hag is trapped. So there is this huge convenient boulder just barely lying there that the queen tries to push over. But lighting just so happens to strike and breaks the edge of the cliff she was standing on and she falls to her death like Wiley Coyote. I guess the writers couldn’t come up with a plausible ending that is intended for children. I would have liked if the dwarves corner her and use their picks to brutally kill her while she takes out Dopey with magic arrows. Or the queen could become stuck as the old hag forever.

So Snow White is sleeping in a casket or something. Is she dead or is she in a coma? Because her body would have decompose and reek. But hey this prince decides to get some action and kisses her and bam she’s alive. Is this love at first sight? Should they get to now each other before they get intimate? I know every girl wants to marry a prince and live happily ever after. Sorry girls unless you want to settle with Prince Harry it’s not going to happen. Do they ever get in fights? They lived happily for three years until the prince has an affair and the Snow White wants custody over the kids. She later died of skin cancer.

Public Drunkenness

As a kid I wondered what my dad was drinking and if I could have some. I had a sip and thought it was the disgusting drink I ever had and I wondered why my dad was drinking it. I never really knew what being drunk was. I recall my parents having guests over and they were acting all silly. In fact when I heard you can’t drink and drive I thought you couldn’t have hold onto a beverage while using the steering wheel. So my dad gets a coffee and I’m like dad you can\t drink and drive.

It wasn’t until grade 10 that we started drinking. I never knew why me and my friends took so long to try it. I was curious but I thought I was underage. So we were at a party and this guy asks if we wanted to do shots and we were like sure. So I also had a beer and later funneled one and all in one night. It was a weird sensation and I wanted to do it again.

Remember how drunk you’d get after four beers? That was awesome. So I fell in love with booze. The problem was that I was broke. I would steal my dad’s liquor and fill the bottles with water or get my brother to get the cheapest beer possible.

So yeah I had some awesome times and some bad times. I use to love getting drunk and going for drunk walks and having drunk conversations getting all philosophical or rating how hot chicks are. The most fun part was sneaking into bed after a party and having those lucid dreams. Sure I can get beer any time I want but part of the allure of underage drinking was underage drinking.

And I had some bad times too. You would think after puking a dozen times I would learn my lesson. But no. Here’s some advice for the younger crowd. There is nothing wrong with getting wasted at your friend’s place and puking because you are with your friends and can clean it up. However you don’t want to get too drunk at bigger parties and pass out, especially when you hardly know them. I’ve done this a billion times. Part of me wants to get drunk so that I lose inhibitions and try to be outgoing and funny.

So I love getting drunk with my friends but I’m getting old now and we don’t party like we used to. I hardly ever drink liquor unless everyone is doing shots or I need to catch up. I find beer gives you a better and healthier buzz. I like the actual process of drinking for something to do. And you can pace yourself and not too drunk too quick. I prefer going to pubs over clubs now because I don’t embrace the dance. I hate dancing and I have no clue how to move for a whole hour.

The problem is that once I start drinking I don’t stop unless I run out of beer. I forgot the details but me and Stics had a code word that we must remember to make sure we’re not too drunk. The code was action pact super container. If you can’t remember you’re cut off. Here is a tip, if a cop pulls you over, don’t say you had any thing to drink, even if you had only one beer because they’d have to test you then and you don’t get any brownie points for being honest. I can’t even say the alphabet backwards sober. The problem is that it takes me more to get drunk now. So four beers for me is like only two beers for the average person.

Here are a few funny stories about drinking; but they’re more about inside jokes. The first time I got really drunk was at the Pinery during May 24 and it was a dry weekend and you couldn’t sneak beer past the gates. We had the brilliant idea of canoeing two 24 packs of beer down the river into the park and we were the only ones with any liquor. It’s funny that we hid a two four in the ditch of a street called

Cold Storage Road

. Anyway we went to a concert and were drinking in the parking lot. I only had five beers but I was smashed. I was trying to cart wheels or walking in a line. Good times.

The think the first time I puked was when I went to a small gathering of friends. I was a complete fool, walked home, had some Chef Boyardee and puked it right away. I tried to clean it up and then puked again. The next day I felt like shit and I thought I learned my lesson. I didn’t.

The worst hangover was at my own house party. We all bought fighting fish and put them into what I called the Thunderbowl. My fish won. I was having a fun time and I drank a ridiculous amount of liquor and then I smoked a big joint. And then I went upstairs and puked everywhere. It was horrible; I felt like I was on pirate boat and everything was moving and shit. It was so bad my mom made everyone leave. The next two days were hell.

The first time blackout was at the bar. I’d tell you what happened but I blacked out and everything was hazy.  I recall having some beer and that was it. It was like the movie the hangover. Apparently we hit the bars and the strippers and I got a lap dance and then we partied at some dudes’ place.. I wake up and was like what the fuck happened? Did I do or say something stupid? It was scary because I had no recollection of any thing that happened. I have done this a dozen times.

I also remember one New Year’s Eve I did shrooms. Stics was way too drunk way too fast and we were all messing with him. At one point he said Greg, you have to help me. I also heard one time Foley pasted out and we shaved one of his eyebrows right before grad pictures. The good thing about waking up at two is that it’s almost okay to start drinking a few hours later. Ah fuck it it’s twelve already, time to drink some beers.

The Grocery List

So I went grocery shopping at No Frills yesterday with my mom. She never leaves without the list like a crack head never leaves without his pipe. The list. It’s like the Arc of the Covenant for my mom. Then she asks to remind her to get cheese because she forgot to put it on the list. As if I could remember something.  All I can remember is that I was supposed to remember something. But what was it; oh I need some more Corn Pops. Whew, because I need to have my Corn Pops. I don’t want to wake up and realize all I have is Life. That isn’t a good thing to start your day. My mom loves to get a deal, which isn’t a good. She will get Corny Puffs to save 50 cents when she can easily afford the real Corn Pops.

I use to love riding the shopping cart when I was smaller. And later on I would steer it even though I got into people’s way. And my mom would always tell me to watch the purse because those purse snatchers are everywhere and as soon as you look away they strike and rob you and disappear in a mysterious flash.

I would always ask my mom if I can get this. Mom, please I want candy. Or please mom I want this Stretch Armstrong. Or please I want this Turbo Graphic 16. I use to wonder around and get lost and my mom can’t find me either. One time I had the clerk use the intercom to find my mom. Mary Ellen Merchant your son Greg is lost. Now we have the designated spot if we lose each other. I also hate when people leave their carts in the middle of the parking lot. Good thing at No Frills is that if you return your cart you get a whole quarter back.

I really hate when people go to the express line when they should be at the non express line. Some people will have fourteen items or Grandma uses every coupon there is and take forever to load her fourteen items. But I love old people. I try to help my mom but I think I get into the way. No Greg, bleach doesn’t go with the fruit. And no skittles; we can’t afford them.

When I went to Western and finally lived on my own I would hit Price Choppers without any list and I often went stoned. Bad idea. I would have the munchies like crazy and buy all of this random and impulsive junk and candy that I don’t need like gummy worms or a forty pack Pop Tars or whip cream. My roommate suggested doing whippets and they were sweet. I think it has the same chemicals as in laughing gas. And then once I almost left without paying. I almost did this at a bar and Dollarama too. Twice.

I usually wait until the microwave dinners are on sale and then stock up until the freezer is full. I mean who buys anything that isn’t on sale. Without the dinners the only vegetables I have are the lettuce from a Big Mac. Hmm, Big Mac, if I had my own car I’d go right now. Damn you McDonalds and your delicious Big Macs. Damn you to Hell!

Halloween

I love Halloween because I love candy! Especially free candy. As a kid I was hardcore, I actually had a route I planed weeks ahead of time. I planned which neighborhoods to hit and when. For example you hit the most popular and dense areas first before they run out of candy and then hit the richer houses last. They usually have way too much candy left and give quite a treat. And when my friends are all tucked out I hit the same houses again. I liked to start early around five when all of the little kids start. I preferred to go with only one or two friends because I was quicker on feet. I was actually pissed off one year because everyone was messing around having a good time and not moving fast enough. I was like come on guys stop messing around! Do you want candy or don’t you? I would also run to each door so the candy giver would be ready for my slow moving friends. And I used pillow cases; they are big, light and won’t rip. My dad would also meet us at a check point to store our bags and give us a new pillow case.

What I really hate were cans of pop. I can get pop anytime I want and its too damn heavy to carry around. I usually jettison them and see how they explode. I rather have raisons. And who could forget about Unicef. It just takes a while to wait for someone to grab some change. I think I kept it one year because I was needy. And what’s the deal with people leaving the candy by the door and having a sign asking just take one. I hate to be a cynical but I guarantee kids aren’t going to take that advice. Whats worse is those people who are too cheap or lazy to hand out candy. Bastards! These are the homes you throw eggs at. Hopefully the house doesn’t belong to a doctor or little Timmy’s parents because Timmy is in the hospital after he got hit by a bus on Devils’ Night and is in critical condition.

At the end of the day my brother and I would get down to business and makes some trades. We would empty our candy on the floor and compare our treasure. I know my brother likes chips and I like suckers; a fair trade. But some of our deals got complicated. I’ll trade my Wonder bar for your Mr. Big if you give me three liquorish and some nerds for half that Kit Kat and five of mine life savers and those nuts you don’t even like. And I know you have your eyes set on my giant size Twix.

 

I love dressing up. When I was little my mom picked out our costumes, such as cheetahs or pirates. My brother got the hat, the hook and the sword and I was left with the gun and the eye patch. Arrrgg I took me eye patch off right away. Arrgg trick or treat. Arrgg you want me to do a trick? No trick arrg candy now. Aarrg fine I’ll kick you in the nuts. Arrgg pop? Arrgg.

I’m a huge Zelda fan and thought I would be Link one year. I wore green clothes and a green hat my mom made and I wield the Master Sword, which was really just a little plastic toy. In the original Zelda I’m pretty sure you can get the Master Sword right away in the cemetery. So I am Link but every one thought I was goddamn homo erotic Peter Pan. And my mom made me wear a coat over my costume.

As I got older I would make my own costumes. I was searching the closet for old clothes our costumes my parents wore. My mom dressed up as an Asian person with those Asian hats. And right off the bat I became Raiden for Mortal Kombat. I used the same hat again for another costume as a Vietnam sweat shop person and wore Nike clothes.

My dad was a Middle Eastern person with authentic clothing and a big nose. And again as soon as I saw it I thought I would be suicide bomber. Now calm down! Calm down. Calm down. This was like fifteen years ago when it was only Palestine’s and Islam’s blowing each other up. I had to be the funniest and realistic costume ever. So I wore the robes, beard and dynamite. I made the dynamite out of these red golf club tubes, wires and black tape. People loved it but nobody even took a picture for the year book and my moms photos got messed up too while developing them. There were these stupid and lame costumes like some dude dressing up as a chick that ended up in the year book. Ha-ha, a guy dressed as chick, what an original idea because he’s a guy wearing a wig and dress. Ha-ha. It was a total popularity contest because the makers of the year book only took pictures of their friends.

Now most people don’t know who Mel Far Superstar is. He was a car salesman from Detroit that wore a yellow business suite, a red tie and a red cape. So I found a yellow suite and again it clicked and I knew I had to be him. Too bad I’m not black but I am dark. So I actually found a red sheet as the cape. Some people loved it; some people had no idea what I was until I told them I was Mel Far and they were like ooh Mel Far, awesome! So we held the contest in the cafeteria with all of the best costumes for each class. I thought I deserved it, but no some idiot won. His costume was the greatest masturbator. That’s right the greatest masturbator because he masturbates a lot. He wore fishing equipment and sex toys and shit. If you just saw him you would have no fucking clue what he was. It’s not like hmm fisher man uh bait, dildos or oh he’s the greatest masturbator. Ingenious! First prize!

I love South Park; I got the idea of dressing up as Kenny. So I went to Value Village and bought an orange hoody and an orange pants and brown gloves. I also dressed up as an alcoholic with my beer helmet and Coors light t-shirt. And I dressed up as my professor because he dressed this certain style. For those who had him as a professor loved it. And I also was Freddy Krueger with the claws and used an inside out mask to look like a burn victim. A mask that I took off in five minutes because I couldn’t see out of it or breath. And Halloween is a chance for girls to wear slutty clothing. Not to be sexist but girls don’t normally wear clever costumes. Most of them are a devil, an angel or a cat. Meow. Still really, really hot though.

I have seen a lot of good costumes too. One of my roommates dressed as a smurf with only the clothes he had in his room. I’ve seen a couple of guys dressed as the Trail Park Boys. I’ve seen a guy dressed up as Boba Fett. It was sweet, I’d wear it everyday. I’m thinking of wearing my mom’s fake fur coat, buying a cane and becoming a pimp. I know it’s been done before but it’s a sweet coat.

There a lot lame costumes too. Like the pirate, the robber and the bum. You might as well just wear your uniform and dress as yourself. Some chick knocked on my door at ten with no costume. I couldn’t give a shit and let her have the Twix. What really scare me are clowns. Yikes! Seriously they do not make me laugh at all. They give me nightmares. I’m just like Kramer.

My mom actually made this realistic witch so scary that little kids wouldn’t go near our house. It was awesome, people loved it and took hours to make. And then punk teenagers trashed it. Thanks assholes. I hope you get a cheap thrill for vandalizing property. I wish I could have caught them. Hey dudes I’m dressed up as the guy who’s going to kick your ass. Hmm, no I probably would have said hey and run back inside.

Now I’m an adult and I think I’m just a little too old for trick or treating. However I can go to Zellers on all saints day and buy those boxes of 100 assorted chocolate bars when they are on sale. This is awesome when you have the munchies. Hmm Oh Henry. But one’s never enough, you want more and more until you’re out and then head back to Zellers for more. And you get terrible teeth decay and horrible acne.

So my mom bought a decent size pumpkin for two dollars. I don’t know how they even make any money. You have to plant them, harvest them, deliver them and sell them at a grocery store. I’m thinking of making a happy jack o'lantern this time and cooking some seeds. Hopefully no punk teenagers won’t smash it because I set a booby trap that once touched activates dynamite and sends metal and pumpkin shrapnel every where. I just hope little Timmy isn’t in the vicinity.

I Like to Ride My Bicycle, I Like to Ride My Bike

Remember the first time you rode a bike? I had training wheels and I still managed to wipe out. I was tough kid though. It took me many of days for me to ride one. Remember the freedom of riding a bike? No more walking for this big boy.

And of course the sang “like riding a bike” is true. Imagine learning all over again each time you hadn’t rode for a while. Hey guys I just got some new training wheels. My dad will teach me because my mom hasn’t ridden a bicycle either for over a year. And the baseball cards in the spokes are pretty fucking sweet. I think it will take me a couple of days so I can finally join you guys on your biking adventures.

As kids riding our bikes is what we would do for an afternoon. We would go through the park or go to Harvey’s and get a value burger with everything on it. Now it takes me five minutes to get to Harvey’s and I can buy the original burger, with everything on it. And I clearly ask for everything on it and she would ask if I want pickles and I have to say I want mayo because apparently that isn’t included everything on it.

I remember me and my brother both got new mountain bikes. Why do they call them mountain bikes? I don’t know. I never had to ride up a mountain or volcano. In retrospect I should have got a speed bike. I mean they’re called speed bikes and are much faster on any roads or sidewalks. But the mountain bikes look cool. And isn’t that the most important thing.

I used to be able to ride with no arms or do a pop a wheelie. Now the kids are riding bikes instead of skate boards and can pull off these crazy stunts. A while back I went down this trail way too fast and ending up landing on the frame and almost smashing my balls. I hated wearing a helmet; so much that I would hide it after I left home. They are uncomfortable and it looks like you’re a sissy. If I get smoked by a drunk driver and break every bone in my body and am paralyzed I think I would rather not be saved by a helmet.

I had these locks that I would only turn one digit away from the password. Changing your chains when they fell out used to be a bitch too. I know that bikers are supposed to ride in the street and not on a side walk but that’s stupid and dangerous. For example the biker might be going ten clicks in your lane and you can’t change lanes because there a too many cars in the other lane. They also use those signals and I can never remember what which way they are turning. Hmm he’s sticking his arm out; hmm remember your driver education.

So we used to leave the garage door unlocked and as a result people got inside and stole me and my brother’s new bikes. I was so sad. I wish I knew who the mother fuckers were. We’re they punk kids that would have trashed it or were they poor kids that hit the jackpot. I’m thinking of putting up signs on posts or milk cartons for my old bike. I would ask if anyone knows any information regard my stolen bike and offer a thousand reward. I know it’s too late for my bike but I want disclosure.

I always wondered about the point of a double bike. For the back rider it is all of the fun of riding a normal bike without steering. It’s got to be a bit frustrating to not being able to stop. And I don’t think you can ride a double bike alone. And unicycles are gay. Can you actually go anywhere without falling or stopping?

I’ve told this story before but a few years back I decide to get a new bike at Canadian tire. It was on sale for half off and ended being only $200. It was pretty nifty; it had shocks and two cup holders. And I bought those cushioned seats for my tight sexy ass.

Four days after I bought it, I was riding down the sidewalk on Murphy towards Winners. There are some side roads and I see this car pulling out from one. I assumed she saw me. Normally I stop to be courteous but I had some momentum. Well she was turning right and I think she was only looking left for traffic and didn’t even see me and bam, she hits me. Well I checked my body and felt alright; no bodily harm. So I get her info and continue towards Winners. As soon as she left I realize my tire was wobbling and the breaks were fucked and rubbing against the tire. And I’m like fuck me! I mean a brand new bike and the only time I didn’t wait for a car I get hit. So I get my dad to pick up me up and called the police. Well I’m not sure what happened. The cop filed a report but the woman didn’t even pay us a cent. What a bitch! Now I’m nervous that every time I’m crossing the street that the car won’t hit me.

Sweating to the Oldies

1001, 1002, 1003. Ohh, it's a deep burn! It's so deep! Oh, I can barely lift my right arm because I did so many reps.

I know I have been saying this for years, but I think everybody should exercise. It’s never too late to start. You look and feel much better and you can eat more. And I like eating. I also like baby penguins. I much rather eat what I want and an exercise to burn it off rather than to not eat and not exercise. And exercise realizes endorphins that make you happy happy.

Not to be sexist or anything, but I think the guys should be hitting the heavy weights to build muscle mass while the girls should do lighter weights and more reps to gain tone.

I think men were built to be hard and muscular. From an evolutionary perspective I think we were hunters and needed to be strong. And I find soft and tone women attractive and as do most men and thus they get busy.  And have you ever seen women in body building contests? Eeeeww.

The key is to not overdo it.  Lifting weights damages the muscles and increases size and mass. But you need time for them to repair. I recommend only working once or twice a week for less than an hour with breaks between each exercise. I work every muscle every time I hit the gym and alternate between legs, arms and back exercises. And I work hard, however you shouldn’t dread it every time you have to workout or go overboard.

If you have sore knees like me (I realize I’m setting my self up for a huge one here) I recommend using those braces and jog on pathways instead of using side walks. I fucked my knees when I was 215bls and went for runs. My bones were not meant to carry all of that extra weight and fat.

You have got to bring an MP3 playa. It gets you pumped up; especially when your favorite song comes on. I like listening to the Eye of the Tiger and thinking I fucking Rocky Balboa. I find running is like a primal purpose like food, sleep or banging. And it helps to you to get more food, sleep and banging.

I’ve been to all the gyms and I highly recommend Good Life. But they close early on weekends despite their 24 claim. I prefer the machines over the free weights. Free weights take too damn long to set up or add more weights. With machines all you do is push a bottom or stick in a key.

The girls are hot there. I love watching them on the treadmill and checking out there asses. The problem is that you don’t want to get caught staring; just a quick look, look at something else. There are mirrors everywhere and this chick saw me just stating at her boobs through the mirror and I quickly looked away as if I was watching the television.

A major draw is the exercise groups. The teacher is like 100bls and looks like an ostrich. She loves that techno music and orders the class like she is Simon says. Most of them are woman both fat and fit. I feel kind of sorry to the heavier people that can’t keep up with the class. The class will be on jacking jacks while they were still on punching. And there are men there too. They must be completely metro or curious. Or they need to take these self defense clubs because the must be completely metro or curious.

I feel a bit intimidated when the guys or girls lift like three times what I was lifting. I’m pretty much as strong as I will ever be, but I’m happy at my current weight. I don’t normal count, but these guys are like uggg 101, 102 uggg.. and they look like they are taking the biggest shit ever. The spotters are even worse. I keep hearing them say okay just one more, okay one more, just one you can do it, one more keep it up, one more, one more…

Carnies

So my family is having Thanks Giving Dinner this Sunday. Too bad we aren’t having any relatives or guest over, which is sad. Now we are going to have way too much food. And it’s a long weekend that everybody enjoys except me because I’m in my reverse retirement years.

If you don’t already know, we Canadians have Thanksgiving earlier because the weather gets colder and we harvest earlier. I don’t even think we had the whole dinner between the pilgrims and the natives. In the states the natives welcomed the settlers but many years later the settlers turned on them and killed the natives off the land. And we are thankful for that? I feel bad that poor people who are not thankful because all they get are sliced turkey and string beans.

We have my dad’s favorite; turkey. It takes my mom hours to prepare and we end up eating dinner in less than ten minutes. It is a rare occasion to eat in the dinning room but that means we have to use table mats and be careful not to spill anything.  I’m the only one who likes dark meat. I usually have both legs and just grab the legs by the bone, dip them in gravy and eat them. There is no way in hell I would use a knife and fork unless the Queen joins us for dinner.

We always pass the dishes around and my mom wants me to eat the vegetables too. And we have pie! Afterwards we will feel fat, bloated and tired and we will have leftovers for a week. And my mom will say she was on a calorie binge and must lose weight by using the treadmill.

So I went to the Brigden Fair today and wow what nice weather. Normally it rains all weekend and it’s all muddy. The food was great. I was bargaining with the fudge guy and made a deal, I’ll buy a chunk of vanilla for three dollars top. Kaching! I also got a caramel apple that I haven’t had for years. But it hurt my teeth.

They have these halls full of vendors and exhibitions. A lot of it was junk, like overpriced necklaces or toy cars. Stuff you can buy at the dollar store for cheaper. There were Mormons that I totally ignored them.  A fair is neither the time nor place to push their crazy religions and recruit crazy people.

I’m sure the farmers went gaga with all of these farm competitions like biggest turnips. Do they give their pumpkins steroids? Honestly it would take a saw to carve it, a heavy duty vacuum to suck the all the crap and a torch to light it. The had animals too, but I wasn’t impressed at all. All they do is shit all over the place and I’m playing hopscotch to avoid it.

So I’m walking down the strip and carnies keep yelling at me to play their damn game. I asked one guy why I would want a crappy stuffed animal. He replied that I could give it to my girl friend. Ouch, I was burned. But I’m sure being a carnie is not the best quality a woman looks for in a man. Do carnies go on phone dates? So I’m a carnie, I travel all over the place and I spend all day behind a both and haggle people. The best part is I can get any stuffed animal you want. Do you like stuffed animals? She hangs up. Hello?  

What the fuck would I do with a giant stuffed animal anyway? It would only take up space in our cellar. And we already have a shit load of stuff anyway. So I played the hammer game where you try to hit the spot as hard as you can. I hit the top and got 113! So I spent about five minutes deciding which prize I want and went for this huge blow up sword. Then I changed my mind and went for the Star Wars rifle. I did the basket ball game only because I let the carny got to me. I never really wanted any of the prizes; I just wanted to see if I could pull it off. I scored all three shots and he gave me a snake. I asked for the monkey instead.

They had rides except for the only one I like, the Zipper. The Zipper is where you sit in a cage and the whole thing moves around and you swing upside down and stuff. There was the pirate ship ride and all of the girls were screaming like they saw nude pictures of Rosy Odonnell. There was the ball drop that was pretty much nothing compared to the Drop Zone in Cedar Point or Canada’s Wonderland.

The spaceship ride that spins around and you are stuck to the wall wasn’t there either. Probably because too many people puked in it and the puke flies all over the damn ride. I almost did in Boblo Island and was trying to hold it in. Then I got outside and puked in a garbage can and swore never to ride it again. And they had the haunted house which is more like the haunted trailer. Once again the kids were screaming like crazy. What do you expect anyway? Ahhh there is a guy wearing a wolf mask and he’s going to kill us! Ahhh!

Trekkies: Part 3

Star Trek the Next Generation has to be the best in the series. Followed by just Star Trek and then Voyager. And um Deep Space Nine. So who’s the best captain? Unless you choose Captain Picard you’re out of your mind.

Why are all the people in Star Trek humanoids? In Star Wars there are a plethora of different creatures like Yoda, that wampa, Chewy and the friendly ewoks. In Star Trek the only differences is like a ridge in the nose or elf ears. A Klingon looks like a stressed out black guy. Why not make a squid like alien with tentacles or some alien with ten eyes.

I guess just like working at McDonalds everyone has to wear uniforms, but they are these spandex uniforms. I never knew what the different colors are supposed to mean. I guess it’s a perk to have your own favorite color. But why one piece spandexes? You can see Counselor Troi’s nipples and you don’t want to get a boner because there is no hiding it. It’s not like high school where you can cover it up with a binder.

The Enterprise has terrible speed and maneuverability. Picard is like evasive action and the ship slowly turns. And the damn shield always go down every time I’ve seen the show. In Star Wars the Millennium Falcon would destroy the Enterprise before Picard could say fire.

Why don’t they have seat belts on the ship? Every time the Romulans fire torpedoes at them they make these dramatic falls. Their stunt doubles could really hurt themselves. And they have a billion buttons flashing that you can’t even see what they do; they’re just different colors. Whats that Picard, you want me to put the windshield wipers on? Whoops I just shot a missile at our selves. Just don’t get ready or hold on; just stand there and try not to fall. That’s why I don’t understand why there are civilians aboard an Enterprise. That’s like having your family live with you on a war sub.

Holodecks would kick ass! I wonder if I will see one in my life time. I would probably live in there 24/7. You could do whatever you could imagine. Maybe not snow boarding; I’m not sure how big the room is. I mean why wouldn’t you live there? It would suck living in the outside world in your quarters playing that chess game of theirs. I would like the meet Jesus program. I would definitely love to debate or get philosophical with him. Or I can finally meet Jennifer Love Hewitt. The holo video games would rule; imagine playing Holo Call of Duty where you are in the game. Just don’t turn off the safety device. Anti Gravity Mario Brothers would rule too. I’m just wondering if there is some kind of lock on the holodeck and if other people can access it while you’re inside. You wouldn’t want to be caught with a whole bunch of Klingon chicks or with Captain Janeway.

Replicators would be amazing. I would be so obese if you can get whatever you want instantly. Except Romulan ale. See I know my Star Trek. I would order a hundred McNuggets and a bucket of honey. And I would get hammered every day despite Whoopi Goldberg’s caution. Hey I’m drunk, I’m Captain Picard and I’m bald and I have a terrible lisp and I sit at the throne.

Teleporters would be fun too. I just don’t know how safe they are. I don’t want to end up with my arm sticking out my head. Whoops, I miscalculated and you’re dead. Dammit! Again! I rather just walk or take a shuttle.

Captain Picard is the bald guy that orders people around. I’m sure by then that they would find a cure for baldness. But I guess it makes him distinguish. He likes calling Riker number two. Why? I guess it’s a nick name that somehow started. Riker never says great job number one. Between the both of them they get a lot of some action.

Data, who looks strikingly similar to Stickley, is the android. I find him annoying at times. He’s always like why do you laugh? Well Data laughing is a human trait and this marijuana makes you laugh. Do you want to try it? Wow, what a sensation, I feel like going to the replicators.

Warf is the massive Klingon. Why are all Klingons black? He’s always obsessed with honor and shit. For example, he loses to Data at Star Trek chess and goes fucking crazy. I must now cut myself. And Data is like, curios it’s a human quality to flip out and cut yourselves. I would like to experience pain but I’m a robot.

Geordi is the blind guy that looks like a black Cyclops from the X Men. He wears a “visor” in order to see. It must be a bitch to take it off and have a shower. Where the fuck is my visor! Did you guys move it again? That’s not funny!

Councilor Troi is the psychic much like Spock, but she hardly uses her powers and they are all obscured anyway. She’s always wearing her own unique spandexes that reveal her cleavage. I don’t know if I want to be around her though. She could read my mind and find out that I would do all this nasty shit to her in a simulated holodeck.

Wesley Crusher is the youngest main character and very smart for his age. His mom Dr. Beverly Crusher is one hell of a milf. She does everything from space STDs to colonoscopies. There is a waiting list for patients on the Enterprise especially after Romulan attacks because nobody wears any damn seatbelts!

Trekkies: Part Two

Trekkies are not only fans; they are obsessed with Star Trek. It is there way of living. They know all of the episodes by heart. They wear Klingon masks and speak Klingon. I find it funny that some lonely guy actually wrote a Klingon dictionary. Kkaplath! They have their own make believe ship with rankings. They go to expos and won’t leave poor Leonard Nemoy alone. And they would buy a glove worn by a Borg for $300 off of EBay.

Voyager was a pretty good idea and had some potential. The premise is that the ship Voyager got somehow warped to the far reaches of the universe and are pretty much “Lost in Space” ha-ha, minus an annoying robot. It stars a lady as the captain this time around. Feminist everywhere cheer. Wow is Kathryn Janeway is hot! Too bad I think she is a lesbian. Which is hot too!

So they are trying to get back to Earth. and find many of adventures along the way. The problem is that they are essentially the only humans wherever they fuck they are. Good thing they have a holodeck or else everyone would die of boredom and get on each others nerves. Hey I reserved a holodeck meeting with my holodeck girl friend at 12:00!

Everyone would be all over Kathryn and she’d be like who’s your captain. So whenever the writers run low on ideas they have all of these interoffice romances.  Seven of Nine was the hot borg chick. Smoking hot! I’d let her assimilate me any time.

And why was Deep Space Nine created? In other Star Treks they travel and explore the universe. They come upon strange planets and creatures. They have enemies that they fight along the way. In Deep Space they wait for the adventures to come to them. Nothing exciting really happens; Deep Space is almost a soap opera for Trekkies. That way your girl friend will watch it too. If you had one.

I don’t even know the cast of characters. Is the black guy the president of the station?

I think Whoopi Goldberg is in there too. And I know there are the ugly ferengi like Quark. Ferengi are like the Jews of Outer Space. They are all about business and the almighty dollar. They have huge ears that they could hear someone across the station and eavesdrop on hot chicks at the bar. However they are hideous. Imagine waking up every morning and looking at your disgusting face. I’ve seen burn victims better looking. And it must be a bitch cleaning your gigantic ears and cutting your ear hair.

Trekkies: Part One

I know I already wrote a blog for Stix but here’s another one for you buddy. I have always been a huge Star Wars fan. What a perfect trilogy, I love every part of it. I never liked Star Trek though as a kid because there were no action or cool aliens. And while as kids we played GIJOEs or Rambo with real gun noises, Stickley played with his Star Trek figures that can’t bend their fucking arms and he used his phaser that looked like a garage door opener. And what’s up with the Klingon dictionary. I’m joking.

But as I got older I started to appreciate Star Trek and become somewhat of a fan. But not a trekkie. The original Star Trek seems kind of silly and outdated now. The opening line is: space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. It's mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. The problem about the prime directive is how can you seek out new life and new civilizations without interfering them. And what if the planet needs their technology such as the cure for cancer or aids. They would be helping a lot of people. What’s the worse that could happen?

Everyone loves Spock, and then Captain James T. Kirk. I would love to use the Vulcan death grip or what I call the sleeper hold. And the mind melt would be pretty cool but weird in a way. Sometimes you don’t want to know what people are thinking. Greg I’m reading your mind and you want combo number one at Mc Donald’s. And you want to… Oh you have a sick mind!

Captain Kirk was cool but he was all over the place. I think he fucked a lot of alien women and have a slew of illegitimate interspecies children and some space STDs. He doesn’t pay any child support to any of these blue or alien women he had affairs with. It’s funny I remember seeing Shatner in an old Twilight Zone episode. Now William Shatner has sunk so low he’s doing stupid commercials like for Goodman Acker Law Offices. What does Star Trek have to do with law firms? I don’t know.

One classic episode had Kirk and Spock fight to the death with some awesome music. I believe Spock said something like it’s logical to fight each other. However the crew needs Captain Kirk more than Spock so it would be logical for Spock to sacrifice himself.

Bones was the doctor but I don’t know if the crew gets free health care coverage. Sulu was the helm of the ship. I love him he’s funny. There was the Russian Jackoff, I mean Chekov. And there is Scotty the Scotsman the engineer that keeps complaining that I’m giving it all I got sir. He’s fat.

I think Uhura is the only black person in the whole damn galaxy. I think the creators decided to kill two birds with one stone. We should have a woman and she would be black. This would be good in the show for diversity. She can be umm a secretary. What does a secretary do on a space ship? Kirk the phones for you, it’s that blue chick you had sex with. You want me to put her on hold? Um Kirk is disposed at the moment, I’ll take a message. Kirk your mom is on line two and she’s pissed.

The first Star Trek movie was called Star Trek the Motion Picture. Awesome name! I forget what happens but there is some massive destructive energy cloud heading to Earth. What a bad first movie. It shows the ship departing that takes like ten minutes.

The Wrath of Khan is my favorite Star Trek movie and easily one of the best science fiction movies of all time. One classic television episode introduced Khan and his crew as these genetically enhanced people, much like Captain America. So they were evil and banished to some remote planet. Chekov and some random black guy receive some signal and decide to investigate it. And they accidentally come upon Khan and his crew.  Once again the black guy gets killed right away. That was pretty much the only reason he came along.

So Kahn and his crew hijack a space ship, stuff happens and Kirk and Khan face off. The pivotal scene was when Spock sacrificed himself to save the crew with his classic line: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And at one point Kirk yells Khan! Khan! Kkhhhaann!

The search for Spock is sort of a continuation about the death of Spock.  Kirk is retired and too old for this shit, but Bones changes his mind. Apparently Spock transferred his spirit to Bones before he died and they must find his body on the remote planet Sega Genesis. So the captain violates regulations and steals the Ship and heads to Genesis. Once again Kirk sees one of his many lovers and their love child David, who dies. And the Klingons are assholes.

Then they made the Voyage Home. It’s supposed to be funny if anything. Now this is the most ludicrous plot ever. Apparently some alien is trying to communicate with the extinct humpback whale. Yes a whale. Somehow this probe is going to kill Earth if the whale can’t respond. So the crew, who are getting older now, must go back in time in order to save the whales. Did Green Peace write this movie? So yes they must go back to Earth in the mid eighties. All of this happens just to make a silly movie for the crew to come to Earth in present day and all of the funny things that would happen.

The Final Frontier is the fifth Star Trek movie. I haven’t seen it for forever and I don’t remember what happens. I even read other peoples take on this movie and I was still lost. Apparently Spock has a half brother that is searching for this god and he takes some ambassadors hostage and steals the Enterprise or something. And Klingons are pissed off. Again.

The Undiscovered Country is another great Star Trek movie. The Klingons’ home planet is endangered and the Klingons join the Federation. Something goes wrong and Kirk and Spock are blamed for the death of some high Klingon. They are banished to some remote cold planet, much like Hoth. But don’t worry, they make a daring escape and stuff happens.

Then they made Generations. Hmm. This is like some cheap cartoon crossover such as the Flintstones meets the Jetsons. So characters from both the original Star Trek and The Next Generation meet paths. There is this magical place called the Nexus, kind of like a heaven and this dude wants in. However this means he puts a whole world in jeopardy. So stuff happens and Pichard needs help from Kirk who is in this Nexus. Which pisses me off. Real or not real I would want to stay forever. Kirk sacrifices himself and kills the evil guy. And Kirk dies and is buried under a pile of rocks. Why did he have to die? Just to save a whole planet? That pretty puts an end to the original Star Trek movies. And leads the way to many conventions for sad sad Trekkies.