The Mighty Ducks

The Mighty Fucks

The Mighty Ducks would be a funny movie if I was a kid. Except for Teen Wolf or that football movie with Dawson, I was never a big fan of sport movies. They always have the same big comeback at the end or find out the chick can play football too.  Spoiler alert! Charlie wins the game by scoring the winning goal by using the triple deke. Yes the triple deke. Works every time.

It stars Emilio, the jock from the Breakfast Club, and an all-star lineup of annoying kids. I would have to be ten to enjoy that humor. So Emilio is a hardcore lawyer that gets busted for drinking and driving. How ironic, he could defend others but not himself. So for community service he has to coach a shitty hockey team called District 9. Whatever.

He himself used to play hockey for the Hawks but quit after losing the winning goal when he had a penalty shot. This has been plaguing him ever since, even though his team fucked up too by getting scored on afterwards. Blame the defense or the goalie and not yourself. It shows that losing scene like ten times. I feel for you man.

I too have a dark secret. I lost the regional championship game of bowling. I had to get a spare or a strike but I missed one pin. And then I missed the pin by an inch the next frame. We should have won! But the Seagulls took home the RBC Bowling Trophy. I never played again. But the game didn’t change. I did. So after ten years I laced up my bowling shoes, put on my glove and reached for my ball, Striker, and I’m back at the game I so dearly love.

So not only did they all sucked balls, they didn’t have any proper equipment. Like one kid had a biker helmet with no face shield and I hope he doesn’t get hit in the mouth or there goes his teeth. This has seriously happened in my league. But especially the fat goalie Goldberg, he didn’t even have a proper mask or pads. No wonder he was scared. There were so many times Goldberg would just dive out of the way or let in a shitty, shitty goal. I think garbage can could be a better goalie.

You know how in movies they always tie in corporate advertisements; like some guy drinking a Pepsi Cola. Which is an awesome soda and I truly recommend its awesomeness. The key is to be subtle. So the team gets a corporate sponsor and the kids hit the hockey store. All of the equipment is made by Easton and the kids go wild over it. They might as well hire a hypnotist to say “you want to buy Easton. Only winners wear Easton equipment. Do you want to be cool? Not buying Easton skates brings you pain.” And since Emilio’s boss is Duckworth’s he comes up with the name the Ducks.

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So Emilio must face his own former team the Hawks. Their coach Jack Reilly is an asshole. I have never heard of such an evil and cocky coach that will win at all costs. This is peewee hockey, not the NHL. I mean he’s like some Disney villain. I wonder what his day job is, if he had one. I mean Emilio is a successful lawyer and if the Ducks lose he can still make fun of the coach’s lame job. The Hawks chant is “win win win,” over again. That’s retarded. And then the Duck’s chant is “quack, quack, quack.” That’s also retarded and annoying.

Am I the only that noticed that all of the Hawks are blond white kids? Are they aryan or what? One kid actually called three ducks an oreo cookie. The Ducks on the other hand have a multi-cultural team. Is this because the makers of the film think multi-culturist kids live in the ghetto and can’t afford equipment while the Hawk players are from some preppy white neighborhood?

Charlie is the star player.  His mom is single parent who can’t find a man because of her luggage. I knew there was chemistry with her and Emilio right from the beginning. So Charlie wants his mother to go out with Emilio and maybe he will fuck her. I’m sure he scored. Haha.

Emilio can get annoying at times. There are a ton of misunderstandings where he says his team are losers or the team sucks cock. So they find out a hawk should be playing for them because he lives within their district. This really bugs me that they whine and bitch and Emilio loses his job over this. What a douche move, that’s something a total dick would do. And then the kid gets injured anyway.

I guarantee the actors didn’t even play in the hockey game scenes. I think they got stunt kids to actually play the hockey players because the kids are clearly such good actors but can’t actually play. One kid gets smoked in the head and there is a fucking dent in the helmet. But don’t call an ambulance or anything. Just take him off the ice and walk it off. And you can’t just check a guy at the face-off

There are actually girls playing in the same league. Normally they end up being the best players. But no. My problem is that it’s a lose, lose situation when you face girls. You either body checked a girl or a girl body checks you. One of the stupidest parts is when some figure skater creates a diversion by spinning around. And I guarantee just because they are ducks they did the whole flying vee shit. This can’t possible work in a real game.

So the climax of the movie is when the Ducks take on the Hawks. It’s all up to Charlie to score and win the game with the tripe deke. Obviously this is reflects how Emilio missed his chance. The goalie didn’t even try. So the Ducks win and by celebrating the game they drink pop and throw some at Emilio. You are supposed to drink beer or champagne, losers. And Emilio finally hooks up with Charlie’s mom. In the end Charlie returns to the game and gets on the bus to play in the minors despite the fact that Charlie is clearly not big enough to play.

The Mighty Ducks was a Disney movie and because they can afford it they made the NHL team the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Really? That’s so lame. I don’t even know if people in Anaheim have heard of hockey. I mean Canadians like me are called Snow Birds because we go to Florida in the winter and watch a Tampa game. Besides ducks are kind of annoying.

Here are some funny quotes from the movie Night at the Roxbury:

Kattan: So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.

Ferrell: Yeah, he was, seriously

Kattan: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.

Ferrell: And who do you think that guy was?

Kattan: Emilio Estevez.

Ferrell: The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there

Kattan: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.
Ferrell: I was like, "Emilio.”

College

Back To School

Have you ever wonder if you could go back in time and do things differently with all your knowledge and experience? Take freshman year. Your first year of college is your best year of your life. You are never going to be as good looking and get as drunk.

But I would have done things very differently. So here is a blog for all you college freshmen.

You have no curfew and there are tons of hot chicks. I mean they are in their prime and are just as horny as the guys. College is definitely the time and place to hook up. Girls don’t give a shit if you are majoring in film or are failing Spanish.

That all changes once you drop out or graduate in philosophy. You’re not getting any good action if you are the late night manager at Burger King. Because no decent chick wants to live with a guy who lives in his parents’ basement.

Buy nice clothes. Good fashion sense can go a long way with the ladies. So spend some money and you will never outgrow them unless you gain forty pounds. And get nice Joe boxers too. However some of my clothes all of the sudden seem lame and out of style. It’s all about the 80s now with tight jeans and fluorescent colors.

So you’re finally on your own. You definitely want your own room or your own shower because unless you have a girlfriend or different class schedule than your roommate, you will have a walking hardone. I lucked out all three years. I had my own bedroom and bathroom and cable. Thank the good Lord for television! It has been there so many times for me.

College is the best place to socialize. First off you can change you’re identity or start off fresh. Get it? Freshman. I remember girls down the hall were drinking for their very first time out of peer pressure. Even the guys. Take my friend Machado. All throughout high school we asked if he wanted to party with us; but he didn’t want to. So a year later he came back as this huge pothead and drunk. And he says “it’s all about the ladies.” Haha, ya right.

My first two years my whole hallway hung out. However by my third year I barely hung out with anyone. Thank God I had an awesome roommate because the only time we heard of our neighbors is when they filed a noise complaint against us. Look bitches, just knock on our door and ask us to lower the volume. Don’t go tattling on us at the front desk. And some of the guys down the hall would play magic cards nonstop. Haha. Losers! I play Warhammer.

I say this time and time again, carpe diem! Socialize and make some memories. Live! Don’t be afraid to make new friends and hang out. As far as they know you’re cool. Whatever you don’t just hang out in your room all year and miss the experience. There is plenty of time to hang out in your room when you are unemployed or are a reverse retiree.

And trust me; don’t try too hard in school. I mean in my third year I would spend like four more hours studying to get a four percent better mark. And it didn’t really matter anyway as long as I passed.

So Idiot me fucked up a couple of times because of studying. At the end of my first year one really hot chick asked if I wanted to hang out and study with her. But I told her I had my last two exams the next day and I said I was too busy. Fuck me! And I never saw her again. I did get good marks though.

First year classes are a joke. You obviously want a schedule with afternoon classes and most on the same day, so you leave yourself with a long weekend.  If you can’t handle a class, drop out right away or it will fuck your average. I gave up computers. Good choice because I would never become a programmer. You either have it or don’t have it in you.

And most of all, college is about getting wasted! Here’s a big suggestion, have some fun; smoke weed and drink beer. In college that’s the cool thing to do. When you’re thirty like me it isn’t such a good attribute. But pace yourself. Either smoke weed or drink, don’t do both. Trust me they are a bad combination. Almost every bad hangover I had was because this or drinking hard liquor way too fast. But I love those drinking games!

I was very cheap my first year. I was smoking pot for free but I had barely any money left over for beer. I was too cheap to use dial a beer and would end up carrying a case two miles back from the beer store. Sometimes I missed out on getting drunk with the guys. You might as well spend your money and have a good time.

By the way if you don’t know, we Canadians can only buy beer at the Beer store or the Liquor store. We can’t just go to any random Kiwki mart any time of day. However our drinking age is only 19 years and by college most of us can hit the bars. So go to the keg parties, they are awesome. When you’re thirty, you might feel a little out of place.

And there is nothing wrong with playing video games. It’s funny but there are a lot of decent looking girls that like Mario Kart, Doctor Mario, Mario Party or any other Mario games. We played all of the time. Now I hardly have the chance to play video games with the guys. Playing Mario Kart 64 alone just isn’t as fun.

One cool thing about college is that you can download music and shows fast. I had almost every decent song there is in existence and all of my favorite shows. And then my computer crashed. Guess why. One thing I noticed is that there aren’t any really good realistic college movies like Dazed and Confused. But here are some college movies to get you pumped up and ready for college!

College is a good movie about, you got it; college. Its one of those movies that are only funny when you are drunk. Of course I don’t remember much of it except for the part with the guy who likes like Chewbacca. Rooaar.

It’s much better than those stupid American Pie  movies. The first American Pie was awesome, the second was alright and I heard Reunion is great. Then they have a million ones with Eugene Levin it for whatever reason. I love looking at tits but I don’t need to rent American Pie Beta Whatever anymore to see them.

Van Wilder is an awesome movie when Tara Reid was still smoking hot. I’m sure you have already seen it. Just don’t watch any other Van Wilder movies. There are a million funny quotes but I like semi serious one: “if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.” So true.

Dead Man on Campus is another college classic. The plot is that two roommates are failing and have heard of this loophole where if your roommate dies you get straight As. So they go around trying to find depressed roommates. And it’s got Zack from Save by the Bell!

Road trip is another hilarious movie starring Tom Green. Say what you will I still love the guy. I have all of his shows. I loved the “where’s my dinner bitch” statue. My farthest road trip was to Toronto and nothing exciting ever happened when we went to rest stops and shit.

Animal House is the most notorious college movie ever. Nay one of the most notorious movies ever. It stars John Belushi and an all-star cast. It was made during the late seventies and set in the fifties. I love John and I love togas! There are so many classic scenes but I would fuck them up trying to write them.

Beer Fest is the greatest movie about drinking. I always watch before I go out to do some serious drinking. And when I watch it alone I don’t feel like a such a loser because I’m drinking with them. It’s just like how when I watch Harold and Kumar and they smoke weed; I feel like smoking weed.

Revenge of the Nerds is one of my favorite 80s movies. Everyone loves Bugger and Ogre. My favorite part was when the nerds hooked up cameras in the women’s dorm. My mom would tell me to look away. Then they made Nerds Two Nerds in Paradise. Cough.

Undergrads is actually this sleeper hit cartoon about, well undergrads. It’s hilarious trust me. My favorite character is Gimpy and my favorite episode is the Risk one. Download it; there are only about a dozen episodes.

And Old School is not only my favorite college movie, its my one of my favorite movies. Will Farrell is so funny. My favorite part is the party where Farrell gets hammered and goes streaking. If you haven’t seen it then drop what you’re doing and go download it now and funnel some beers! My record is three.

Useless Studies

Reading I Have Issues Adds Five Years to Your Life

There are so many stupid smart people in the world. For example I’m at the Casino a while back and I was playing roulette. The guy beside is probably a little smarter than me. But dipshit had a sheet, which the casino hands out for free, so you can mark what numbers are picked and what numbers are not picked. It’s like people think if it has been black twenty times in a row it’s just has to be red the next time. Idiots. If that was true we would all be millionaires. But this is not a magical roulette table, it’s random each time.

My point is that there are scientists who in many ways of intelligence are smart but yet stupid in other ways. I tried psychology but I couldn’t cut it the third year. So you would assume these psychologists are smarter than me. However I can see through all this bullshit. There are scientists who conduct useless experiments all the time and that have no application to the real world.

Like I heard of experiments of whether white people are more intelligent than black people. What is the point of this other than pissing off black people? I think they fucked up the results because I guarantee black people are just as intelligent and that they didn’t control all of the variables. Not to be an asshole but maybe it’s because many black people live in lower class residents and don’t get the same quality of education as richer folk. Try doing something productive like creating everlasting bubble gum and save yourself all of this time and energy.

So what really pisses me off is when they conduct these studies that show doing such and such will add five years to your life. It just does not work that way. First off there are a million variables that you can’t possibly control. And to see if something adds so many years you would have to do a case study from their birth all the way up to their death. There is no way anyone could do this. I definitely think they altered their results. And most important; you can’t just stack each thing that adds so many years to your life. Or else people would live like two hundred years.

Here are some things from different sources that add so many years:

Daily flossing adds 6.5 years. I don’t floss though.

Regular jogging adds five years. I hope so.

Coffee adds years. Check.

Sitting down can add two years. I don’t understand this but I sit down a lot.

Having a positive attitude can add up to seven years.  Haha bullshit.

Sex adds years. That’s why porn stars live long

Owning a pet dog can add years. How about a hamster?

Fatherhood adds years. I never really knew my father.

Yoga adds years. Screw that.

Exercising 15 minutes a day can add up. I agree. 

And so on.

Healthy eating is a big one that adds years. I think it’s true but my major problem is that different sources have different results. They might say that eating nuts adds two years, while another source might say eating fish adds two years, and yet another source might say eating apples adds two years. Do you see my problem? They could say like twenty types of food each add two years and you end up living twenty years longer than a guy like me that eats so many Big Macs and microwave dinners.

Paraphrasing: [Here is a study that found men pedaling at an average pace lived 2.9 years longer. Among women, fast cyclists lived 3.9 years and average speed cyclists 2.2 years longer than those in the slow lane.] I’m very interested in how they found these results. Did they go to the funeral and ask the widow if he biked a lot. “Lets see your husband died at age 70, hmm interesting. Was he a fast bike rider?” “Yes he was.” And then did they go to another funeral and ask the same question? “He hardly biked and lived to age 67. My God, biking adds three years to your life! Get the president immediately!” There are a billion of other variables like is his wife a harpy, did he play frisbee golf or did he have aids.

Here are my own things that add five years:

Smoking pot relaxes you.

If a cup of whine is good for your health than three will be three times as good.

Drinking coffee to perk you up for your day. I suggest strong.

Daily video games to exercises the mind.

Watching Much Music regularly just adds those years.

Vitamin pills; who needs vegetables?

And masturbating to Golden Girls is healthy.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

All Dogs Go to Heaven

First off if this is for atheist only. I’m dead serious; I don’t want to piss off any religious people or get them down. So please, please don’t read this. I’m totally serious. Spoiler!

I mean the last thing I want them to learn that there isn’t a God and life can be pretty meaningless how you look at it. Again I could go on about writing about religion or Heaven forever and that’s why I’m thinking of writing a book I call Blind Faith. But here are a few random points of mine about life and death.

I believe that the billions of complex nerve cells in the brain form intricate connections and thus form a mind. Judging how you look at it the person might be chosen to live a happy life or feel trapped and live a shitty life. Life isn’t fair and you don’t decide on existing. And once those nerves stopped firing the person is dead. But you either had a good life or at least it’s finally over.

I think the idea of an afterlife to be wishful thinking. You would think it would be somewhere in the bible to describe Heaven, but there isn’t. All I know is it’s this wonderful place, which may or not may be in the clouds, where you live for eternity. And evil people burn in Hell, which may or not may be in the center of Earth, for eternity! Yes eternity! But God still loves you. And apparently Jesus didn’t die for those people’s sins. I could go on forever but I will stop now.

I always wonder what are the qualifications of entering Heaven. I mean can you get into there by a tread? I mean what happens if little Timmy would get into Heaven except he stole a chocolate bar and went from entering paradise to burning in Hell. For eternity! What if someone died before they had a chance to repent, change their ways and lead a good life?

I love evolution because it fucks with religious people’s beliefs. The thing is at what point is an animal an ape and at what point is an animal a human. Look, an ape didn’t give birth to the first human. It was a long gradual process. So at what point does an animal enter Heaven? I mean does your dog go to doggy Heaven where there are mountains of bones and endless fire hydrants to piss on? Because I don’t think ants go to ant Heaven. I also wonder if a dead fetus goes to Heaven before it even lived long enough to have a basic personality.

I think everyone would have a separate Heaven. I mean what happens if your mortal enemy is in there too? “Dammit not Mike, he’s an asshole!” I would write more but again I don’t want to piss off religious people who think they will see their grandparents and have them show you around the place. And how old are our grandparents anyway? Would they be as old as when they died or would they be in their prime?

My big question is how does the physics work there in Heaven? I mean do we see light waves or what. There must be some way we see. What are we made of? We have to be made of something don’t we? Like molecules or how about soul molecules. What about food? I mean we love to eat. Do we eat food and get fat or is this magical food where you can eat as much Big Macs as you want and stay thin. How do our minds work? Again are they made by nerve cells or what?

I mean why even have the thing we call life and why not just have Heaven? The more I think about it, the idea of Heaven must be very similar to life on Earth. Sure the world is not perfect but on the whole it’s a wonderful place where we should make the best of it.

And finally what would we do all day for eternity anyway? I think we would all get a bit tired of watching Snow Dogs for the billionth time no matter how much Snow Dogs kicks some serious ass.

Fan Picks: I Like to Ride My Bike

Remember the first time you rode a bike? I had training wheels and I still managed to wipe out. I was a tough kid though. It took me many of days for me to ride one. Remember the freedom of riding a bike? No more walking for this big boy.

                             

And of course the sang “it’s like riding a bike” is true. Imagine that wasn’t true and that you have learn all over again each time you haven’t rode for a while. Hey guys I just got some new training wheels. My dad will teach me because my mom hasn’t ridden a bicycle either for over a year. And the baseball cards in the spokes are pretty fucking sweet. I think it will take me a couple of days so I can finally join you guys on your biking adventures.

As kids riding our bikes is what we would do for an afternoon. We would go through the park or go to Harvey’s and get a value burger with everything on it. Now it takes me ten minutes to get to Harvey’s and I can buy the original burger, with everything on it. And I clearly ask for everything on it and she would ask if I want pickles and I have to say I want mayo because apparently that isn’t included everything on it.

I remember me and my brother both got new mountain bikes. Why do they call them mountain bikes? I don’t know. I never had to ride up a mountain or volcano. In retrospect I should have got a speed bike. I mean they’re called speed bikes and are much faster on any roads or sidewalks. But the mountain bikes look cool. And isn’t that the most important thing.

I used to be able to ride with no arms or do a pop a wheelie. Now the kids are riding bikes instead of skate boards and can pull off these crazy stunts. A while back I went down this trail way too fast and ending up landing on the frame and almost smashing my balls. I hated wearing a helmet; so much that I would hide it after I left home. They are uncomfortable and it looks like you’re a sissy. If I get smoked by a drunk driver and break every bone in my body and am paralyzed I think I would rather not be saved by a helmet.

I had these locks that I would only turn one digit away from the password. Changing your chains when they fell out used to be a bitch too. I know that bikers are supposed to ride in the street and not on a side walk but that’s stupid and dangerous. For example the biker might be going ten clicks in your lane and you can’t change lanes because there a too many cars in the other lane. They also use those signals and I can never remember what which way they are turning. “Hmm he’s sticking his arm out; hmm remember your driver education.”

So we used to leave the garage door unlocked and as a result people got inside and stole me and my brother’s new bikes. I was so sad. I wish I knew who the mother fuckers were. We’re they punk kids that would have trashed it or were they poor kids that hit the jackpot. I’m thinking of putting up signs on posts or milk cartons for my old bike. I would ask if anyone knows any information regard my stolen bike and offer a thousand reward. I know it’s too late for my bike but I want disclosure. The cops do nothing at all.

I always wondered about the point of a double bike. For the back rider it is all of the fun of riding a normal bike without steering. It’s got to be a bit frustrating to not being able to stop. And I don’t think you can ride a double bike alone. And unicycles are gay. Can you actually go anywhere without falling or stopping?

I’ve told this story before but a few years back I decide to get a new bike at Canadian tire. It was on sale for half off and ended being only $200. It was pretty nifty; it had shocks and two cup holders. And I bought those cushioned seats for my tight sexy ass.

Four days after I bought it, I was riding down the sidewalk on Murphy towards Winners. There are some side roads and I see this car pulling out from one. I assumed she saw me. Normally I stop to be courteous but I had some momentum. Well she was turning right and I think she was only looking left for traffic and didn’t even see me and bam, she hits me.

Well I checked my body and felt alright; no bodily harm. So I get her info and continue towards Winners. As soon as she left I realize my tire was wobbling and the breaks were fucked and rubbing against the tire. And I’m like fuck me! I mean a brand new bike and the only time I didn’t wait for a car I get hit. So I get my dad to pick up me up and called the police. Well I’m not sure what happened. The cop filed a report but the woman didn’t even pay us a cent. What a bitch! Now I’m nervous that every time I’m crossing the street that the car won’t hit me.

Foot In Mouth

Big Foot In Mouth

I put my foot in my mouth so many damn times I can eat a turkey whole. And I have big feet. Just the other day I put my foot in my mouth while playing hockey. We have the best players on my team but we always lose because our goalie bites. He can’t even save the weakest of shots; it’s almost like he is in slow motion. I think a broom could do a better job.

It’s the goalie and his equally useless brother’s first time playing hockey. He also sucks; he can’t even skate nor do anything really. He looks like an old man with a cane and it’s like a penalty every time he is on. And I keep passing it to him by accident. But I still like the brothers, they’re nice and all.

Now it’s a non competitive league and I don’t normally get angry but I was frustrated. So I’m talking to my fellow defenseman and I say “holly shit our goalie sucks balls. Eh” Well his brother was sitting right beside me and I just change subjects fast. I guess I had my skate in my mouth. Ha-ha.

I never realize how many times I say fuck, shit, damn, Hell, bitch or for Christ’s sake. I remember as a kid we were strictly forbidden to use swears words or even words similar to swear words like “frickin.” My mom said I was allowed to say darn or shucks. For fuck sakes. I remember in recess a long time ago my friend said “fuck” and we were all shocked. Anyway I have a problem with swearing in front of kids all of the fucking time. That’s like choking on a size fifteen foot. Ha-ha.

I used to have a huge problem of making fat jokes in front of fat people. I try not to pick on heavy girls now. But one time I was at poker, we were making fun of this skinny kid we called Skeletor. I said he was going out with this really fat chick that is twice his size and said that was gross. And two full figured girls were standing right there. And then I changed subjects fast. I have said things about fat chicks in front of fat chicks so many darn tooting times in the past.

I have made an earlier blog about how I think French immersion is a stupid idea so here is a recap. If you don’t know already, Canada is bilingual because of winy French people. A big number of Quebec people always want to separate and form their own independent nation. I say let them, good riddance, they are leeches. I hate how my Fruit Loops have the French language on them because I’m sure they know what Fruit Loops are. And I hate getting a French manual for Zelda even though the game is only in English.

Anyway the big point of French immersion is that since we are a bilingual nation, bilingual people get paid more and such if they know both languages. This is true but I think this is stupid for several reasons. First off those very government jobs that need bilinguals will be filled, except of course French teachers, and now bilinguals will be left with broken English. And not every parent will be able to teach their kids English or help with their French homework. I could go on but I’m getting way off track.

So at hockey in the change room I petty much have said to my teammate what I just wrote. And then he says his kids are in French immersion and they know how to speak English perfectly fine. Whoops. So I was like, “yeah I guess you’re right I don’t know much about it. I was just joking…” 

The funniest part is that I said this whole story all over again at poker, including the part of saying I think it’s stupid in front of person whose kids are in French immersion. Her kids were also in French immersion. Whoops. And then I even said it all over again in front of someone else. Whoops. And if people with kids in French immersion read this I’m sure they would get pissed off because it’s a terrible, terrible idea.

The biggest foot in mouth incidence was at soccer; so I guess I had my cleats in my mouth. Ha-ha. Every year Toronto holds Caribana, which is this huge multi cultural festival. I was visiting Stics on that very weekend and I noticed there were only black people and hardly any white people. But I’m not racist or anything.

So a week later my soccer team was on the stands watching another game before ours. I was talking to my teammate and I was joking that I was at Caribana and “there were so many black people there, I was kind of scared.” And then the only black person in the league is sitting right in front of me and turns around and says “you better be scared!” I was stuttering and making incoherent noises and was like uhhh sorry. Awkward. Good thing he moved up to an older league the following year. I hope I won’t ever run into him again because I’m scared of him. Not because he’s black; he’s just a big scary guy.

Sickle and Greg

Greg Gives This Blog Three Thumbs Up!

Have you ever notice how movie reviewers review movies for movie reviewers. They go way too much in character development and hidden meanings and use lingo and big words, well for me, without really saying how good the movie is.

First off they use a shitty marking system. Take Ebert and replacement Sickle. By the way how did the fat guy outlive him? Its either two thumbs up, one thumb up or two thumbs down.

So basically it’s either good or bad or okay. But one thumb up and one thumb down makes no sense. They have to decide first off who will pick one thumb up and who will pick one thumb it down. And they still contradict each other making their rating useless. And you never see a movie that got one thumb down. That would be funny to do on purpose. Even four stars are a bit too simple. I recommend at least 10.0 points.

They don’t even say who the movie is intended for. They just lump films together. For example they will give a movie like the English Patient four stars despite the fact is unwatchable for kids and then give Half Baked one star whiles its one of my favorite movies.

I don’t know if the IMDB felt obligated to credit to black and white films or if they actually liked them. They’d choose movies like Charlie Chaplin and Singing in the Rain which at most could bring me a smile. I think I laughed more at unintentional stuff like seeing a fat guy eat a cake or how fruity someone is.

And then the Internet Movie Database tries to mess with you by giving WALL E 8.5. Yes Wall-E gets an 8.5.  When it’s completely stupid and unwatchable. Even a child would call it retarded. Trust me, it’s really awful. And this is coming from a person who loves the movie Babe. Ha-ha Babe, a talking pig who thinks he is a sheep-dog. Spoiler alert! They eat Babe at the end of the movie.

I really have a problem how people define what is tasteful and intelligent and what isn’t. It’s easy to say that things in the past or “their time” were more civilized. Take a look at movie reviewers’ top list. They always praise those sensitive and dialog rich movies and dismiss anything slightly immature or with a little flavor.

Look at South Park. People like my friend Stics think it’s dumb because of its fart jokes and overlook anything else. Sure some of the earlier ones were out there, but I think this has got to be one of the funniest and smartest shows ever. If you pay attention, they pretty much parody anything and I agree on most of their moral lessons. And if humor is a sign of intelligence, the writers could one day take over the world. I mean what is smart TV? Frasier or 60 Minutes?

I love comedies because I love to laugh and I can watch them multiple times. I personally feel that nothing before 1980 can be considered really funny. I mean even in the 80s the funniest movies were like Caddie Shack and Police Academy. And I’m being opened minded. I enjoyed some older movies like Citizen Kane or Hitchcock (ha cock) in film class but I thought others were fucking retarded or boring like Wizard of Oz or Casablanca.

The end to Casablanca would’ve been better if he said “Frankly Charlotte, I don’t give a flying fuck! Bitch!” And look at the Academy Awards; have you seen the English Patient? I was just like Elaine from Seinfeld: “fucking die already!”

At the same time I love some movies like Memento or the Six Sense the first and second time around but I couldn’t watch them again. For example my friends were watching the Sixth Sense and I got there after Willis was shot so I had no fucking clue, spoiler alert, he was a ghost. So it blew my mind and then I watched it again to put the pieces together.

I hate Westerns even though my dad loves them. It’s the same thing every time, all they do is draw their guns at high noon and shoot at each other and kill some ingins. And I hate chick flick romances like Chocolat. Hmm, or at least I would have you believe. I actually got a boner watching Moulin Rouge.

I know Star Wars isn’t critics’ cup of tea but shouldn’t they at least have received best score or cinematography. I mean can anyone even think of who won that year. My problem is that people have already made their mind of the film before they have seen it, and that’s why Pearl Harbor is one of my favorite movies.

And well I’m discussing it; you know how every year things get more obscene, sexier and/or violent. When do you think we are going to reach our peak? Personally I think we have reached it. I mean there’s no way our children will look at the Simpson like how think about our parents shows. If anything they’ll love it.

Except the last couple of years, the Simpsons are getting really desperate on jokes and plots. Such as another one where Moe is going out with another chick that overlooks his ugliness for his gentle soul but he still fucks it up in the end.

Having a show about a midget cross dressing crackhead that fights crime and rapes animals is about as bad as you can get. And this is why I think our sitcoms are dying and being replaced with reality TV. I can barely watch a whole sitcom episode except the classics like Seinfeld and News Radio. Look at the pilots, we have home designer single gay parent, with sassy black Mexican neighbor and WHOPPI. Whoopee!

Anyway I’m going to curl up; drink some wine, eat some jujubes and watch Snow Dogs Four: The Next Litter and Snow Dogs Five: The Return of the Wolf. I gave Snow Dogs Three: The Voyage Home four paws up! Ha-ha four paws up; I’m hilarious.

Slow Reader

I hate reading. It’s why I did a book report on the Hobbit three years in a row, read Coles notes and still almost failed every English class because of my obviously terrible, terrible grammar.

I’m a pretty creative guy and I can use my imagination but I rather see something than read it. Take Star Wars. Even Shakespeare couldn’t have wrote anything that compared to the awesomeness of Star Wars.

I always wonder why women read romance novels over renting a porno or chick flick because no amount of descriptive and kinky words could give me a raging hard-on like Bathroom Sluts Part Three. Reading about naked chicks just doesn’t cut it for me.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, than a movie must be like a zillion words. It takes me about ten hours; I’m slow reader, to read a book, whereas it takes me two hours to watch the movie. Plus I can sit down comfortably and eat popcorn and it takes no effort on my part.

If I do have to read a book for school or whatever, I have to read the entire book in one sitting or else I would get lost. I mean why do people read in a city bus or on the treadmill for about five minutes at a time?

It pisses me off how many useless words are needed like ‘“blabla” said Joe, “blablabla” replied Sam, angrily. “Whoa did you see that chick, she was fucking hot! You should have seen her. Words cannot describe her hottability.” said Joe. “Whoa did you see that. It was amazing!” said Sam with amazement.

But I do enjoy reading magazines and webpages. In fact I wish everything was in magazine form. Magazines have pictures and short but juicy words and captions. And for the most part it doesn’t have complicated words like “discombobulate” that I have to guess the meaning of.

I used to have subscriptions to Stuff, FHM and Maxim. I read every word. Sure I glance at the chicks but I don’t buy it because of that, I buy it for the articles. I have the internet and Sears catalog for that, thank you very much. The captions crack me up and I love how they make fun of pretty much every letter they receive.

I also read older Time and National Geographic magazines; I like animals, which my aunt gives us. In fact I saw my first boobs in a National Geographic magazine. And thanks to my early Alzheimer’s I can reread an entire mag after six months while watching TV at the same time. Now that’s multi tasking.

Sometimes I look at those tabloids magazines at the Kiwki mart when I’m buying a slushy. I feel bad about the paparazzi intruding in famous peoples lives, but at the same time I can’t get enough. Such as the latest pictures of now extremely over weight Christina Aguilera or of the hot chick from the Twilight series that cheated on her movie and real life boyfriend.

And sadly when I’m at the dentist or doctors I enjoy reading Cosmo; but only to see into the female psyche. The thing about Cosmo is half of it is advertisements; they are mostly of half naked chicks. I think there are about twenty pages of tampon and conditioner ads before the table of contents.

The funny thing I found out is that those short embarrassing stores totally destroy the fact that girls are far more mature, even though they still are. I think half of them involve farting in front of hotty.

And I guess it’s these magazines that make young impressionable girls feel inadequate and ugly. Now you might say that those girls don’t have to read these magazines and of course ad models are hot because girls want to be hot using that product.

But I think it would hilarious and um positive, to have a magazine full of ugly or inner-hotty chicks. They could have a chick with a million zits with a caption, “Now that’s fucking disgusting, use Clearasil.” I mean I don’t by my boxers because the guy has a six pack.

And on the other hand, I thought of the most evil clothing label deploy, making clothes that only fit hot chicks, meaning that fat chicks can’t wear them even though they so desperately want to.  

And now I going to sit down with a glass of wine with some triscuit crackers and read Clifford the Big Red Dog.

                   

Astrology

Today’s horoscope is that you will be hit by a bus and go into a deep coma.

Astrology is complete bullshit. I don’t know why people still believe in this nonsense? I mean do people actually take this seriously? I always hear bullshit like Gemini and Cancer make good couples. I hope people read horoscopes just for fun and not make important life choices because their horoscope said to.

Being born on a certain day of the year has absolutely nothing to do about a person. Period. Let’s say some mother is having a baby and depending on how long it takes to give birth could affect her baby’s sign. “Come on push. If you have your child right now he will be a Gemini. Op, he’s Cancer instead. They’re known to be kind and good leaders.”

Haha Cancer. Do you ever hear people say “I have cancer”? “Sorry to hear you have cancer. Are you taking chemotherapy?” “No, cancer is my sign.” “Haha, good to hear. I hear people with cancer are very helpful and patient.”

Here’s just some random info I have heard. Apparently it’s not a good idea to use midwives to help with giving birth. I have heard of many birth complications. You should stick with the nurses and doctors because they know what they’re doing. “Thanks for the advice Greg. You must be a Gemini for sure.” Back to astrology.

So I’m a Gemini because my birthday is between May 21 to June 21. I don’t know who made this up? I think it would be much easier to just to make your zodiac sign each month instead. So I looked up Gemini and the description took forever and it could describe anyone on the planet. 

And the astrologist give the most ambiguous and long horoscopes. If you give a long enough horoscope some of the things will surely happen and people will disregard all of the things that didn’t happen. The horoscopes are always positive and if they are negative they put a positive spin on it.

I’m wondering who exactly makes these horoscopes. If astrology is true, all of the daily horoscopes would be the exact same. And I’m sure the astrologist reuse older horoscopes too.

So here’s my horoscope for today:

It will be an unusual day with many surprises, especially where it comes to friends, companions and neighbors. You may have an opportunity to make a huge impact on your neighborhood or community with the help of those you are closest to.

I don’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean? Unusual day? Many surprises? I guarantee nothing surprising will happen for me today. I will most likely drink some beers and watch season one of Smallville that I bought the other day. I probably won’t hang out with my friends nor make a huge impact on my neighbors with the help of those closest.

But I checked another horoscope webpage. If they were true it would have the same horoscope. But it gave an entirely different horoscope:

You feel the desire to make several minor, but significant, adjustments in your work. For example, if you are engaged in a business activity, you may discontinue some advertising, use new sources for various services that you use, assign new tasks to employees, change advertising to appeal to a new market, make changes in the product line, etc.

Um, I don’t have a job. The only work I have is cutting the grass and washing the dishes. I don’t think everyone who was born on a certain date will have the exact same day. That’s just plain stupid.

And I have no clue how the moon phases affect people, unless you’re a werewolf.