Armageddon

I saw the movie Armageddon at theaters ages ago. Everyone loved it except for me. So I saw the movie at Goodwill for 50 cents and decided what the fuck I will watch it; thinking I might write a blog about it. The cashier said how much she liked it. Well I watched it. And I still didn’t like it. I thought it was stupid.

My problems with Armageddon are that it gets silly and unrealistic. And there are so many corny quotes. Such as “you know, drilling’s a science. It’s an art.”

Armageddon stars Bruce Willis, Thornton, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler (hotty!), Owen Wilson, Steve Buscemi and others. Too bad they were wasted on this stupid movie. Buscemi and Wilson were the only funny ones.

In fact I smoked a bowl and the only time I laughed out loud was in the end when Buscemi said he wants to make babies with some stripper (long story). And I laughed my ass off when I watched Bewitch.

It reminds when me and buddy watched American Pie 2. We smoked a joint thinking we are going to laugh our asses off. We didn’t. I think we ended up playing You Don’t Know Jack. Awesome game. So I actually fell asleep near the end and had to watch it all over again.

If you didn’t know, the movie is about an asteroid (or comet) that is going to crash right into Earth. Or that’s what I think they meant. I took astronomy and I got confused with terminology. I think it is meteoroid. But screw it. So if NASA doesn’t stop it, we are fucked.

In New York there is some outrageous idiot riding his bicycle and talking to his idiot dog. I don’t know why they chose him of all people. So the city gets struck by some meteorites. Again there are millions of dollars wasted on some explosions and cars flipping in the air. Even the World Trade Centers gets hit. The whole point of New York getting struck by meteorites is for special effects.

In fact the movie has a shitload of special effects. There were too many damn explosions. Even the word Armageddon at the beginning explodes. So there are some astronauts performing something to some satellite and they are hit by some rocks. And NASA didn’t see it coming.

Thornton, a head guy at NASA, said the asteroid is the size of Texas. And NASA didn’t even see it approaching. It was some old guy with a huge telescope that first spots the asteroid. I mean seriously? They have huge fucking telescopes that see objects light years away and it they only found out about an asteroid the size of Texas a couple of days till it will hit Earth.

The old guy gets to name the incoming asteroid. “I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.” I wonder what I’d name an asteroid? I think I’d call it the Death Star.

Apparently you need to drill a hole in the asteroid to destroy it from within with some nukes. And the only ones who know to drill such a hole are oil drillers. The best of the best are Bruce and his team of zany characters.

So at Bruce’s offshore drilling rig he finds out that Affleck is fucking his daughter. So he decides to murder him. He actually fires his shot gun at him and almost kills him. But it is supposed to be hilarious. I didn’t laugh. I think I would funnier if Bruce did kill him.

The oil drillers must train in a few days to go outerspace so they can drill a hole. I’m pretty sure it’s easier to teach some astronauts to learn how to drill a damn hole than to teach some oil drillers to become astronauts. But that’s the whole point of the movie. It would be a pretty shitty and boring movie otherwise. But it loses all realism.

The drillers are mentally assessed and have to go through some tests. This was supposed to be hilarious. It was funny but I didn’t laugh. A good line is when Owen says “I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.” “Who is Jethro Tull?”

The best part is probably when the crew has the night off so they aren’t burnt out. What would you do if it was your last day before the launch? I think I would also borrow 100,000 bucks and spend it on strippers too. And some good marijuana and Big Macs.

So the plan is to drill a hole in the asteroid and detonate it with a nuke. Apparently they need to drill 800 or so many feet and stick the bomb down it. Hmm. I’m not rocket scientist but I don’t think 800 feet is deep enough to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas.

The goal is to split the asteroid into two pieces so they both miss Earth. Hmm. In the opening scene we are told that a comet the size of a few miles destroyed the dinosaurs. Wouldn’t there be thousands of fractured rocks and shit that would hit Earth?

Anyway there are two rocket ships and two teams. They first dock at the space station to fill up and we meet this crazy Russian. Affleck fucks up and the station explodes. That’s too bad. Then they must sling shot around the moon towards the asteroid. I didn’t understand why they went through the tail end of the asteroid with tons of debris and shit instead of the front of the asteroid?

The whole mission was boring. Affleck’s shuttle goes down and everyone thinks they are dead. And we see several shots of Liv crying. She got kind of annoying. However Affleck, big black guy and crazy Russian survive. Owen didn’t.

Meanwhile Buscemi loses it and has space dementia. And for some retarded reason whoever brought along a huge fucking automatic gun. You know, in case they might have to fight off aliens. So Buscemi starts a shooting spree and they tie him up. Why would they need him in the first place? I mean how many drillers do they need?

The other team misses their landing spot and land on hard rock. You hear about some technical drilling jargon and they somehow fuck up their transmission. Whatever the Hell a transmission is. I mean you are drilling a damn hole, how hard could it be?

Affleck finds the other crew and saves the day. But someone has to stay and detonate the bomb. Affleck pulls the short straw but Bruce sacrifices himself. His death wasn’t really necessary, but whatever. I wonder how they would burry him? “Okay just another twenty feet.” “Stop, you’re going to break the transmission!”

My favorite scene is when an asteroid hits Paris. Haha. Because French people suck.

Do You Ever Wonder Why?

Top Ten Things That I Wonder Why

10.       Singing in Shower

Do you ever wonder why people sing in the shower? I can’t sing worth shit. But I like to sing stupid songs from Tina Turner, Lights or Katy Perry whenever I’m having a shower. And my mom just sings all of the time

9.         Once you Pop, You Can’t Stop

Do you ever wonder why once you start eating Pringles you can’t put them down? “Okay just one more. Just two more.” I think it’s because each chip is a perfect shape. And they put something in it.

8.         Baby Seagulls

Do you ever wonder why you have never see a baby seagull or seagull nest? Normally the early bird gets the worm. Seagulls can sleep in till noon and eat people’s fries.

7.         Can’t Wait in Line

Do you ever wonder why people are so impatient for waiting in line? For example at Dollarama people were getting irritated  because it took this old lady a whole four minutes to pay for a lot of items. Is their time worth that much that they can’t stand there for a few minutes?

6.         Why Pot is Illegal?

I wonder why in a free country something as harmless as pot is illegal. I don’t know what they are afraid of? What could possibly happen if it was legalized? I mean alcohol and cigarettes are far worse.

5.         Smoking

I wonder why people start smoking when everyone knows how addictive and harmful they are by now. And expensive. I have never tried a cigarette so I wonder what it feels like. Do you get high? Or is it like caffeine buzz? And if there is second hand smoke, do you get a buzz?

4.         Fat People in Wheelchairs

I wonder why fat people use wheelchairs in Wal-Mart. At what point do you just give up? You’re never going to lose any weight this way. Wheelchairs are meant for the frail, old and physically challenged. Not these lazy piles that have to ask an associate to get them cup cakes from the shelve.

3.         Voice on Tape

Do you wonder why when you hear yourself on tape you sound different than what you expect? In my head I’m a suave James Bond character. When I hear my voice I sound like a cartoon character.

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2.         Radios and Telephones

I wonder how radios and telephones work. My dad tried explaining that radios send out and pick up waves or some shit. And how do phones work? It amazes me that I can call my friend from Sarnia to Seattle instantly. 

1.         Gas Prices

Do you ever wonder why gas prices change daily? I understand they will make more money if they raise prices on holidays or just busy times. But why? It’s like some sick game of theirs so that people will try to fill up when prices are low. It would be less stressful for everyone if they stayed the same.

And how does it work that each gas station has the exact same price. I think there is this agreement in the underworld. Because you know, otherwise there would be price war between gas stations. And if you think gas prices are high in the States, they’re even higher in Canada.

Phobias

How many phobias can you name?

I’m sure everyone knows arachnophobia, homophobia and claustrophobia. If you don’t already know, arachnophobia is the fear of spiders. Great movie by the way. I love John Goodman as the exterminator. In fact I feel like watching it right now.

Obviously homophobia is the fear of gay people. I don’t know why? Maybe these people are afraid of getting raped or something. Maybe they aren’t confident with their own sexuality. And claustrophobia is fear of confined areas.

Funny story, back in college my whole floor went out for dinner. It was far away and only one guy had a car. I didn’t want to pitch in for a cab. So buddy tells me he only has room in the trunk. I thought he meant the back of his vehicle. No, it was his trunk. So they dared me and I said “what the Hell it’s college.” However I made them promise to let me out whenever I want to.

The light went out and I was in the dark. It was pretty scary. I had a bit of claustrophobia. But I made it to our dorm and boy was I was stiff. A huge crowd of people saw me get out of a fucking trunk. A girl asked me about it. I was too embarrassed to reply and my roommate said “he doesn’t’ speak English.”

There are two kinds of phobias. There are the ones which makes sense. You know the ones that deal with danger and certain scary situations. Or just bad things in general. Take ophdiophobia; the fear of snakes. There is a reason to be afraid of snakes. It is a survival instinct to be afraid of them because they could kill you.

For example; you don’t want to walk up to a grizzly bear and hug it. Or there is acrophobia; like fear of heights. You could die by falling from high places like going over a bridge or die in an airplane crash. These are legitimate.

It’s when you go totally overboard. Such as being afraid of every high place. Like walking over the overpass. I personally am afraid of balconies. In fact I’m more scared walking up the stairs to a rollercoaster than the actually rollercoaster itself. I’m afraid of falling down the stairs and breaking every bone of my body.

And then there are the phobias that don’t make any sense at all. Like sesquipedalophobia; the fear of long words. Who are these people and when does this happen? “Ahh, otorhinolaryngological! That’s the longest word ever! Somebody help me!” And maybe making a long ass name for the fear of long words isn’t such a great idea.

I personally have coulrophia. Coulrophia is the fear of clowns. I just wrote about them the other day. I realize there is no reason to be afraid of clowns because they are harmless. I just find them really, really creepy.

I have a bit of dispohobia. Dispohobia is the fear of losing things. I worry about losing my Ipod or my wallet all the time. In fact I have a tic of checking my pockets every ten minutes to make sure that everything is still in my pockets. I actually have nightmares of losing all of my video games.

Pediophobia is the fear of dolls and mannequins. I was terrified of the dolls at my aunt’s house. Seriously they were creepy.  I was afraid of them coming alive and eating my eternal soul while I sleep. And I have a bit of Atyciphobia. That is the fear of failure. Which is my whole life.

My brother’s friend told me he is afraid of mannequins. I’ll admit sometimes when I see a mannequin in the corner of my eye I think it’s a person. A person with no arms or head. But with nipples.

Speaking of mannequins, do you remember Today’s Special? This was Canadian show from the early 80s about a children store where Jeff the mannequin becomes alive. Quite possibly the gayest show ever.

And then there is the 80s movie Mannequin starring Kim Cattrall. Kim Cattrall is the total hoar from Sex and the City and Big Trouble in Little China. She is a mannequin that comes alive only to Larry; from Weekend at Barnies. And there is some really gay black guy. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid so I didn’t know what sex was and I didn’t get all of the gay jokes.

By the way, who makes up these names for these ridiculous phobias? “Hmm, he has the fear of dying in the  World of Warcraft. He must have wowphobia.” So here are some retarded phobias:

Anthophobia is the fear of flowers. What? Flowers are pretty and smell nice. Maybe they have allergies, maybe they are afraid of thorns, maybe they are afraid of bees. I don’t know. “Honey, I’m sorry for beating you and giving you a black eye the other day. Here are some roses.” “Ahh not roses! Get them away!” “I’m just trying to say I’m sorry bitch!”

Chaetophobia fear of hair. What exactly does that mean? Are they afraid of Chewy? I mean are they afraid of their own hair? “Must shave legs! But it keeps growing back. And thicker each time.” But hey, they might like bald guys.

Gymnophobia is the fear of nudity and  gynophobia is the fear of women. That’s got to suck for them. I mean how do they have sex? “Ahh, hot naked chicks. I can’t watch.” “Ahhh, Playboy magazines. Get them out of sight.” And venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women. Homo!

Heliophobia is the fear of sunlight. Are they afraid to leave the house? Or do they only go outside at night? Or are they vampires? I myself only leave the house for a McDouble or junior chicken burger when I’m locked into some video game. Like when I’m playing Elder Scrolls: Skyrim for Xbox 360. Awesome game.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666. Great name by the way. It sounds like another computer virus. Again how are they afraid of a number? “666, that’s the devils number.” It reminds me of the movie 23 with Jim Carrey where it doesn’t make any sense. “1,2,3. Wait. There is one 23. And 1 plus 2 plus 3 equals 6. 6 times 23 dived by 6 equals 23.”

Hypnophobia is the fear of sleep. That blows. I don’t understand how they function without sleeping. It’s not like Nightmare on Elmstreet. Maybe they should drink a lot of energy drinks like I do. I’m afraid to stop breathing and die in my sleep. But seriously I hate when you wake up and you’re arms fall asleep and they feel like noodles. It happened the other day and it freaked me out.

Ipovlopsychophobia is the fear of having you’re photo taken. I don’t like photos because I’m ugly. And I can’t smile because apparently I look like a pedophile when I do. But do you ever look back when you were younger and think wow I didn’t look so bad. Oh what would I have done differently when I was young?

Mysophobia is the fear of germs, contaminations or dirt. These people are otherwise known as germaphobes. They funny thing is some of them know how irrational they are but they can’t control it. They will wash and scrub their hands hard all of the time.  My mom makes me wash my hands every time I come back inside the house. Are these germaphobes afraid of getting mono? And can they shake hands or get laid. It reminds me of the movie12 Monkeys. Was there really a virus or what?”

Thanatophobia is the fear of dying. I thought everyone is afraid of dying. Unless you have cancer or some terrible disease. Or unless you’re Rosy O’Donnell.

Trypaophobia is the fear of needles. That’s why I only smoke or pop my heroine. Haha. But I remember back in elementary school we had to get hepatitis shots and all of the girls were crying. We got a donut afterwards. My mom was a “bacteriologist.” I still don’t know what she did but it involved giving injections and being surrounded by blood samples all day.

Workplace phobia. Haha. Whatever. Who was the genius that came up with that idea? “Sorry boss, I’m terrified of desks, Xerox photocopiers, water coolers and pencils.” It reminds me of the awesome movie Office Space. People weren’t supposed to work in cubicles all day. Like me.

Xanthophobia is the fear of the color yellow. They must have a phobia for everything. How do you avoid the color and what happens when you see it? I mean I hate the color pink but I’m not going to freak out when I see some chicks in some tight pink pants.

There are also phobias of all kinds of people. Like Sinophobia; the fear of Chinese, people. Or negrophobia; the fear of black people. That’s not some condition. That’s racist. But I admit I’m I little weary of crazy middle easterners that blow themselves up. I’d call it suicidebomberphobia.

Nomophobia is a new one. It’s the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. That’s right. I don’t even have a cell phone. What could possibly happen if they are afraid that they can’t hear him now? “I’m out of range. Dammit! I have to tell her to pick up some milk at the grocery store. And who knows what Joe is up to?”

Turophobia is the fear of cheese. Right. I understand if you’re lactose intolerant, you would naturally be afraid of milk. That sucks. Do they use water when they eat cereal? Imagine not knowing the joy of eating some whoppers. Mmm. I think they should just save of all of this time and energy and just call all of these crazy phobias: crazophobia.

And there even is Phobophobia; the fear of having a phobia. That doesn’t make sense. “I’m afraid that I’m afraid of something.” But there are people who are hypochondriacs who think they have every disease there is. Like heart cancer. I’m afraid aliens put this device up my rectum that controls my thoughts that makes me say random stupid shit. I’d call it probephobia.

I think there should be a phobia of getting speeding or parking tickets that I’d call “finophobia.” After I got hit by a car I’m afraid of crossing the road and the car not seeing me. I might call it “blinddriverphobia.” And what about a phobia about spontaneous combustion? I’d call it “burntalivephobia.” It’s not funny until it happens to you.

Finally what about the fear of getting a computer virus. I’d call it virusophobia. Worse yet there should be a phobia of your mom catching you jerking off. I’d call it “whenyouthinkyouarealoneandyourmomcatchesyouinthemiddleofmasturbatingphobia.”