Greg’s Guide to Gambling

I Only Play Poker

I never even tried slut machines because they’re stupid. On one hand my aunt bets $20 and plays once a week. This is fine because the $20 is worth the entertainment. It’s sad when you are wearing diapers and nicotine patches because you don’t want to leave your machine. You’re eventually going to lose money, that’s how it works. The thing is people have this I’m special mentality and I’m going to win big.

Some people don’t understand the meaning of random. I’ll admit that happens to me when I’m listening to my Ipod. I have 3000 songs and if I add or take one away I lose them all. The problem occurs when some asshole cranked up the volume like crazy on one song. It sounds like a rocket launch and I’m trying to unplug my headphones before my ears bleed. So after a while I probably heard each song like fifty times and I’m thinking that annoying song is due any moment.

I used to play blackjack because you have different choices to make. But people are superstitious when they say hey you took my card or whatever. And again the casino has the edge. Unless you’re Rainman. Roulette has the best odds and its fun to choose which numbers. The only edge the casino has is zero and double zero. If I play, I play black or red. The funny thing is, if the ball lands on red like ten times in a row people think it’s bound to be black.

Anyway I love poker. I play with my poker friends where you can buy in how much you want and cash out any time. The blinds are only 20 and 40 cents. But the pots get pretty big. Speaking of pots we love to smoke pot and drink beer. Which is great because smoking weed is not only fun but people play stupid when they’re high. And some people play just play stupid.

I haven’t played poker with my best friends lately. Normally we would all lay down ten or twenty bucks. Second makes a few bucks and winner takes the rest. I also played some poker with my fellow retirees in Florida. I’m used to Texas holdem but dealer gets to choose which game to keep it fresh. They play high low and sometimes the games get confusing. But don’t worry; I won a bag full of quarters and some one dollar bills each time I played.

But the real money is at the casino. So here is my short guide to poker. I’m amusing you know the rules. If you don’t, I already wrote a brief synopsis of poker a while ago. First off decide how much you are willing to loose and promise not to try to win it back. You don’t want to dip in your kid’s college tuition or beer fund.

I’m a grinder and I’m very patient. Aside from playing when it is my blinds or when I really want to see the flop, I fold all the time. I play maybe one out ten hands and only when I have something good like a big slick or two pairs. I never bluff.  Unless I haven’t played forever because when I do play people fold.

If I do have something good I like to slow play it. The thing is when you have a great hand you have to capitalize it and make as much money as possible. Some idiots will get pocket aces and scare off everyone and they just get the blinds. What I don’t get is when someone bets high and people don’t fold and they’re like where’s my respect? This make no fucking sense.

I love people that go fishing. Fishing is when you need a card for your hand. For example if some guy needs an ace on the turn he will call hoping to get a straight with that ace. People don’t know the odds. This one idiot does this all the time. He will call hoping to get a spade on the river. The thing is, he has less than one in four chances to get a spade. But sometimes they get lucky. Or sometimes I bluff when there are three of the same suit on the board because people assume I have the flush. And if someone doesn’t back down I fold because they have it.

You have to play the man, or the woman. Seriously look for tells. You have to pay attention on how quickly they call. If they hesitate on calling and it takes a while they are unsure of themselves. Bet big when this happens, they will probably fold. And if people check instantly they have nothing. So take a few seconds to appear like you’re thinking and then check. And the biggest tell is when someone’s hands are shaking. They are excited because they have a good hand. You don’t see too many people’s hands shaking when they have nothing. Even my eyes open wide when I have a good hand.

Sometimes you have to have the right cards and not just the best cards. For me there is the curse of the pocket aces. Every time I think I have the best possible hand and I lose it to two low pairs. You have to know when to fold and cut your losses. And sitting matters too. You want to be after guys who raise big pre flop so you don’t waste your call.

And pay careful attention and remember which cards each player wins the pot with. Sometimes they try to steal the pot by betting big and sometimes they actually have it.

And bet when the pot is big. I find if there is nothing on the table I don’t bet unless I know I can beat my opponent.

The more people at the table the less your cards are worth. If there are twelve people at the table then you need at least two pairs. With only three players that two pairs is worth way more. And also hide your cards so nobody can see them. Just take a quick peek at the corner. And that’s all of the advice I can think of for now.

It’s funny; one time at the casino there was twelve of us. The pot was huge and everyone, except me and this one lady, went all in. There was over a grand on the table and this lucky bastard won it all with a straight. And I’m thinking that’s it? A straight? But afterwards he got sloppy and was donating chips like crazy. Sometimes you have to leave when you’re ahead.

Finally I love this one crackhead who spends all of his dish washing earnings on poker and um crack. Normally when I call some guy a crackhead I mean he’s retarded. But he told me he actually does crack. And it shows. He loves to go all in all the fucking time. I just wait until the right moment to call his all in. Thankyou I doubled up with $60 and therefore I made a $120 on one hand. Which is a lot for me. Finally an awesome poker movie is Rounders with Edward Norton and Matt Damon. Check it out.

The Crucifixion

It’s almost Easter and that means I will get a white chocolate bunny and have turkey dinner with my family. It’s also a long weekend so that means some of my friends will be coming back to Sarnia and we will get wasted. Oh and Jesus resurrected too.

I find it funny that the four gospel writers have different accounts of the Jesus’ life. So you hear about Jesus being born and some stories of his childhood and boom, Jesus is 30 something years old. He had a following as he walked around Israel. He had a lady friend Mary Magdalene who is a total hoar. But he champions the poor.

He has performed many miracles like turning water in wine and magically feeding everyone even though there wasn’t enough food to go around. Those would be awesome powers to have. “Hey man, this party sucks. The keg is tapped dry and there is not enough pizza to feed everyone.” “But wait, it’s Jesus, the life of the party! He will turn the water into booze, perform some magic tricks and order Dominos.”

So Jesus has the famous last supper with his apostles. I’m not sure who cooked the meal and what are they eating. In the Leonardo painting of said supper all they have are some bread and some wine. Come on, you know you’re dead meat, why not eat the biggest goat you can find or order some takeout.

Jesus says this cracker is his body and this wine is his blood. Eww. In fact eating someone’s flesh is actually a pagan ritual. Whats also is gross is how everyone at Church drinks out of the same wine glass that the priest doesn’t clean it off each time. People also spread germs when its time to shake people’s hands.

He also goes around cleaning the apostle’s feet like a shoe shiner. “That’s not necessary Jesus. Besides I have terrible foot fungus and athletes’ feet. How about a massage or something else.” Jesus also predicts that he will be killed and he knows the traitor. Judas Priests.

On Palm Sunday people are waving palms and worshipping him. One minute he’s the messiah, the next minute the Jews want to crucify him. And Peter is sellout when he denies knowing Jesus three times and some cock crows.

I’m not sure what Jesus did to piss them off. Pontius Pilate realizes he’s innocent and probably just crazy. So he orders to whip him. Whip him good. But this wasn’t good enough for the Jews and Pontius orders him to be crucified to calm the crowd.

What pisses me off is why some Christians hold this 2000 year grudge against Jews for killing their messiah. Hey idiots, this was a few Jews a long time ago. Jews today have nothing to do with his death. That’s’ like being mad at German kids because of the holocaust.

There are the Stations of the Cross beginning with Jesus to be condemned to death. The second station is to have him carry the cross. Hey Jesus why not just tell them to fuck off and that you won’t carry the cross. What are they going to do then? They already whipped you, what else could be worse?

He falls a couple of times. He meets his mother Mary. Some woman wipes his face. Dude has to help carry the cross. He greets more women. And they strip his clothes. Is that necessary? On the eleventh station he is nailed to the cross. When you see pictures or statues of him they put the nails in his palms when really they would rip off. They actually put the nails in the wrists.

There are two other criminals that are also crucified. Jesus talks to one guy who repents killing people. Jesus then forgives him and said he will go to Heaven. What the fuck Jesus? That’s like telling some serial killer to get to Heaven because he said he was sorry for killing all of these victims.

Jesus says something like Father why have you forsaken me? Hey, you know it was going to happen and you know in like a few hours you’ll be beside pops in the Kingdom of Heaven. Why not use your powers to free yourself and shoot laser beams at everyone responsible for your crucifixion?

Jesus finally dies on the cross. What I don’t get is how Jesus died for our sins. What does that mean anyway? If he died for our sins than why would people still go to Hell? And what sins? The last sin I committed was when I scratched someone’s car with my door and left. Or I giggled when a lady tripped getting off the bus. Haha the good Lord has a good sense of humor.

Whats the big deal about Jesus being crucified anyway? First off, Spartacus and thousands of others were crucified. But nobody gives a shit. And many people have died worse deaths. Like some little girl that gets burned to death in a fire. I rather get crucified than freeze to death or die of cancer.

Jesus then says he will cum again. Haha, I mean come again. That line is brilliant because people will never know when he is coming back. And every generation thinks he will come in their lifetime. But wait. He appears to the apostles after his death. It’s in the bible. I don’t know if that counts or what?

Then his body is taken down and he is buried in a tomb. I wonder where this supposedly tomb is? Finally three days later his tomb is empty and some broads witness him rise to Heaven.

Haha. His ascension to Heaven is my favorite part. First off when people die their body remains in the grave and their soul goes to Heaven. Shouldn’t that be the same for Jesus? After all he is human. And when he rises to Heaven that implies that Heaven is up in the clouds. This now is completely ridiculous.  The Kingdom of Heaven would be too big to fit on some clouds and we will would have found it years ago with airplanes, satellites or whatever. Check mate.

My Top Ten Pet Peeves

10: Hackers

I’m terrified of computer viruses. I hate when you click on the wrong link and a million windows pop and you’re trying to close them or turn off the computer. Who gets a sick pleasure by fucking with people’s computers? Hey hackers, go infiltrate the McDonalds corporate office computers or something cool.

9: Downloading Music

I hate when people get the wrong song or band name. I understand people call the song Baba O Riley, Teenage Wasteland. But I don’t think Born to Be Wild is done by AC/DC. I hate songs that are way too loud or too quite. Or they don’t finish the whole song. What pisses me off is who circulates these crappy songs to begin with?

8. Women Who Have Pigtails

It’s okay for little girls to sport pigtails.  But when you’re grown up, having pigtails won’t make you look any younger. In fact guys who like pigtails come off of looking like pedophiles.

7. Superficial Chicks

I don’t like those snooty chicks that look down upon unattractive people. But they will do anything for a handsome guy. Like laughing like crazy at anything he says. And they think everyone wants them and guys are not just being friendly.

6. Spray-paint

I think spray paint is cool when it’s done right and on the right place. It’s these stupid punk kids that spray paint anything in seconds and looks just awful. They will paint on fences, the side walk and under the overpass. They can’t draw and they write stupid shit like Tim is gay or Ashley sucks cock for coke. And now people have to paint over it and it’s an eye sore.

5. Bad Dog Owners

I hate when you walk by and these annoying fucking dogs won’t shut up. And the owner doesn’t clean up the dog shit. If I knew where they lived I’d take a bag of dog shit and light it on fire on the guy’s porch and see how they like stepping on shit.

4. Impatient Drivers

I don’t understand why people are in such a hurry to go nowhere. They can’t wait a single second at the lights, they talk on the phone and speed. I guess they want to get home in time for the View.

3. Looking at People When Walking

I walk all the time; all over town. I know a lot of people who see me walking by. I’d run but I majorly fucked up my knees; very depressing. It’s that I hate looking at strangers’ faces when walking by and I end up looking down on the ground or at my Ipod. I now try to say good morn.

2. Shitty movies

Why does Hollywood release terrible movies that should never get past the drawing board? For example I rented a movie called Transmorphers thinking it was Transformers. It got a 1.8 on IMDB. I have done better and more coherent movies in high school. And I’m not the biggest Jack Black fan either.

1. Zombies

Am I the only one that is so tired of zombies? I enjoyed Resident Evil 2 on the Playstation, but I don’t like the movies. I don’t know the biology of a zombie. One bites you, you become a zombie and then you bite other people. Hey Zombies, have you ever heard of McDonalds? Give it a try. All of my friends tell me how cool the Walking Dead is. Maybe I should give it a try, but I’m a busy man.

Do You Believe in Magic

I just watched the movie Oz on cheap night. The food cost more than the actual movie. They didn’t put enough butter on the popcorn even though I paid a dollar extra for butter and it had that yellow crap that makes you thirsty. I like when you get to pour butter yourself. One time I poured so much it was leaking out the bottom.  Mmm. 

And I forgot to ask for no ice cubes and instead the drink was 50% pop. My friend sneaked in a can of pop in her purse; they won’t check that. And she told me she reused 3D glasses and sneaked in 3D movies to save a whole $3.

Oz was alright but mostly visuals. It was intended to be in 3D but my friends didn’t want to pay extra and I didn’t want to go alone… again. I mean during previews who am I going to say to how awesome or retarded a movie looks like. And who will I ask how good a movie was when you’re leaving? “Man, Mystery Alaska was fucking awesome. I can’t believe how a shitty hockey team in a small town can take on the New York fucking Rangers.” Or “man, the Matrix fucked with my mind!” Or “wow, Scary Movie 10 was the funniest one yet.”

So Oz is about how a phony magician Oz that gets sent to the um Oz. I guess they didn’t have a name yet and since he saved Oz, they named it after him. I’m not sure if he’s from Kansas but he arrives there on a hot air balloon by way of a tornado. In the movie Twister they didn’t beam to some enchanted land. Most of them died in the tornado. Oz is a good movie but I won’t ruin it for anyone that hasn’t seen it yet.

I wonder if people in Kansas have to pay higher home insurance. I think my town Sarnia got hit once or twice. I always wanted to see a tornado. But it’s kind of sad that Goderich, the prettiest town in Canada, got hit by a tornado that struck the center of town and turned it into rubble. I know people who had to clean the aftermath.

I don’t believe in magic but sometimes I have no clue how they pull it off. I don’t even know how a person, like your uncle, does the whole quarter behind your ear trick when you were a kid. Or how people do the whole “is this your card?” “Holly shit it is! How did you know?” “It’s magic.”

If I was a magician I’d hit the casinos and play some poker. That way you know what cards people have. “Do you have an ace of hearts and a king of spades?” “Yes, how did you know?” “It’s magic. My flush beats your two pairs.”

I saw a magic act back in my younger years. I’ll call the magician Ted. His assistant was fucking hot. But she would have to be. I could plainly see the strings when Ted raised the hotty in the air. I remember the whole cut her in half bit. I think she crouched in one end and had some robot legs that dangled and moved on the side. I wonder what would happen if he used real blades and did cut her in half. “Oh shit! That wasn’t magic.”

I’m pretty sure that whole disappear act was done with a trapped door. Hey Ted if you were real than why do you cover her and hide her and not just disappear her in plain sight? That would be real magic. Or let’s see you disappear anyone except on a stage. Any good magician knows how to do the bunny in the hat trick and the doves in the jacket trick without getting dumped and peed on.

The better magicians have to take a magician’s oath. They never reveal their secrets to any non-magician. If they did, the magicians would make loud mouth disappear forever, or the they might bury him alive and see how you can pull it off.  

Well I watched some magicians on Youtube that revealed some tricks. But these were stupid ones like making a quarter disappear. I learned how to do it but I still can’t pull it off. I’m sure the magicians don’t give a shit about them revealing these tricks. “Dammit now everyone knows how to do the metal hoop trick. He will pay.”

Houdini is the most famous magician. He is known for his escape acts, such as escaping handcuffs that police put on him. I hear criminals around the world use this. “Dammit, he got off them and disappeared. It muse be magic. Let’s see how well he escapes from bullets.” If he was in the horror movie Saw, he wouldn’t have to cut off his fucking leg.

He also would get buried alive. I guess he pulled it off just like Uma Thurman. And if he fucked up, they wouldn’t have to bury him again. Another feat was escaping out of a straight jacket under water. Of course I have an evil and twisted side of me that doesn’t want these illusionist to escape. “Haha, what an idiot.” You know Houdini would eventually get killed. But out of all things, he died with of a ruptured appendix when he thought he could withstand any blow to the stomach.

Chris Angel is my favorite magician. But unlike the late Michael Jackson, I don’t believe his magic is real. I think his coolest magic act is levitating. I would love to see that in person. I have heard he stole the idea from Ghostbusters when the crazy chick is floating.

He would cause a Lamborghini to disappear. I’d use a Buick, it’s cheaper, but I think he used a larger trap door. And he would walk on water just like he’s Jesus; the greatest magician of all time.

DC Heroes

Aquaman

Aquaman is a joke of a hero. You have heroes with cool abilities like flight, super strength and laser beams. Aquaman can swim and breathe underwater and uh talk to fish. Yes fish. I don’t even know what you can possibly gain from talking to fish. “Hi there flounder, I’m Aquaman. What’s happening?” “Blrrrp. Blrrrp.” “I see.” And what about sharks? The thing is, can he only talk to fish or can he talk to all animals?

Rescuing people comes with the territory of being a superhero. You know Spiderman saves helpless women from falling out of buildings. Superman saves little Timmy from a burning house. And Robin saves Kitty from a tree. Who the fuck can he rescue in the middle of the ocean? “Alright! People are on a sinking ship. Yes! That’s my territory! I guess I’ll have to ask some fish for some directions.” A few minutes later. “Dammit the helicopter got there before me!”

Green Lantern

Allan Scott is the Green Lantern. Allan comes upon this alien ring that grants him a ton of cool powers. But don’t get mixed up with the Lord of the Rings. He becomes part of this galactic squad of heroes called Lanterns. They decided to go with a green uniform. I don’t know if he has a secret identity because that masks is doing fuck all and he looks too similar to the Green Hornet. And how does it stay on? But every Friday is wear a funny hat day.

Like my art teacher said, you have to use your imagination. The ring works by thinking of anything, but with limitations. Like wood for some reason. For example you can think of a bazooka to kill some thugs or maybe a fly squatter to get those pesky bugs. (I later realized that this rhymed).

Apparently he can fly faster than the speed of light and teleport across galaxies by way of wormholes. Of course Stephan Hawking is pissed off by the ramifications. And I’m pretty certain that going through wormholes would kill you. I guess it’s the same deal with the Avengers.

The Green Lantern’s latest arch nemesis is Parallax who has mind control abilities and feeds on fear. And guess what. Allan Scott is now gay and he must avenge his lover’s untimely death. A bold move by the creators at DC. But I don’t know how well fans will react to this. I mean I wouldn’t read a gay comic where he saves men in distress. They already have Aquaman.

The Flash

The Flash is one cool DC hero. Obviously his main power is super speed, so he can run ultra fast .I wonder who is faster; the Flash or Superman? I don’t know if he can see in the distance because what happens if he trips, runs into a tree or slips on a banana peel.

So he either runs down the roads and dodges cars or he takes his chances with pretty much anything else in the way. I’ve heard he goes through shoes like crazy. Hey why not play some football and tone down your powers a bit to be realistic but still incredibly fast.

But can the Flash do anything super fast. Like can he read a book or knit a yellow sweater in like three seconds? And what about sex? I hope he can last longer than a few seconds. The drawback is that everything must seem to take forever? “For fuck sakes, I’ve been waiting for a Big Mac for a whole minute. I could have been halfway to China by now.” And finally his arch nemesis is the Trickster. A rip off of the Joker and quite possibly the gayest villain.

My Top Ten Favorite Rap Songs

10.       Warren G ft. Nate Dogg                       Regulate

9.         50 Cent                                                In Da Club

8.         Method Man & Redman                       Da Rockwilder

7.         Busta Rhymes                                       Fire It Up

6.         Beastie Boys                                        Sabotage

5.         TRU                                                     Hoody Hoo

4.         Eminem                                                Drug Ballad

3.         2 Pac ft. Dr. Dre                                   California Love

2.         Lil Troy                                                Wanna Be a Baller

1.         NWA                                                   Fuck the Police

Mighty Morphing Power Rangers

“Ahh! After 10,000 years, I'm free! It’s time to conquer Earth.”

I was talking to my friend of mine and I find out that her son loves the Power Rangers. I didn’t even know they were still around. They first aired in the early 90s and I watched a couple of episodes.

But I was too old for that shit. Their acting was terrible and the plots were weak and repetitive. Besides I was a Ninja Turtle fan. I tried to watch a full episode on Youtube but I couldn’t find one. So a lot of this is from memory and Wiki encyclopedia.

The show beings with this witch Rita Repulsa who gets free from some well by curious astronauts. How did she survive living in a well for 10,000 years is beyond me? I mean how did she breathe or what did she eat? How did she keep time being locked in the dark? Or how did she not go insane? But right away she wants to conquer Earth.

Hey, don’t rush, you have been cooped up in a fucking well for a 10,000 years, give or take one or two hundred years. I mean she has been used to our primitive culture when the only weapons we had were sharp sticks and rocks. But man has progressed significantly. Look Rita, get to know the 20^th century, the Earth you want to conquer has changed.

The Power Rangers’ boss is Zordon. He’s some floating head in a tube that looks strikingly similar to the Wizard of Oz. That would suck being him. Nice name. I went to school with this Chinese kid whose father named him Zilvar. As if he is some wizard. The funny thing is Zilvar loved the show. Coincidence?

So Zordon selects five teenagers to become the Power Rangers. The red ranger is Jason. He is supposed to be the cool one. The blue ranger is the nerd Billy that makes gadgets. And the only black guy in the show is the black ranger. And the only Asian chick Trini, who can’t speak English, is the yellow ranger. Doesn’t that sound a little racist? The pink ranger is Kim; the hot one. And the white ranger is Tommy. They are all terrible actors and so the show kept changing the casts.

Zordon has a sidekick robot Alpha 5.  He is a whining little bitch that keeps saying aye yi yi yi yi all of the fucking time. “No we are under attack.” “Aye, yi yi yi yi.” “No Jason has a broken he is tibia.” “Aye, yi yi yi yi.” “No the token black guy made reservations at Swiss Chalet but has to cancel them because he is coming down with a terrible fever and has diarrhea.” “Aye, yi yi yi yi.”

Each ranger has their own dinosaur robot that they can control called dinozords. For example Kim summons the pterodactyl. Billy got fucking pissed off because Jason gets the T-Rex while he gets stuck with the triceratops. It’s morphing time! They combine to become this ultra giant robot: Megazord! It’s like the Decepticons Devastator. By the way that would be an awesome fight. Another good match would be Megazord vs. Godzilla. But what happens if Bill is sick and the rangers need his triceratops as a leg? “Aye, yi yi yi yi.”

Again Rita is the head villain. Her catch phrase is “make my monster grow.” That’s what he said. After a while each week it gets annoying because of her high pitch voice. She throws her magic wand to enlarge a minion to take on Megazord. I always wondered how she got her wand back.

Another main villain is Goldar. He can also turn into a giant to fight the rangers. They have no respect for the buildings they trash. But don’t worry it’s actually two guys in costumes duking it out and they are only crushing cardboard buildings. It’s funny my ugly high school principal’s name was Ms. Golder and she had gold hair. That’s freaky.

Lord Zedd arrived in the second year. He looks like some ugly guy with no skin and assless chaps. And his brain is showing. You might want to get that checked. And there is Scorpina the bitch.

The whole gang also fights hand to hand combat with these clay figures called putties. I’m not totally sure if it is the real actors that are fighting. I think they are because they are such terrible actors. And every time, they combine their weapons to finish off the goons. Why not combine weapons right away? Or why not just transform into dinozords and step on them?

I hear the Power Rangers live in California. Look Rita why not just send your henchman somewhere else. She should send two minions in two different places; one in Washington and another one in Japan. The Power Rangers can’t be at two places at once and they need all five dinozords to battle any monsters. In Japan the monster can crush cities but they have to look out for any Godzillas and Mothras. And in Washington Goldar can just step on the White House and destroy the U.S. army. Aye, yi yi yi yi.

Work Smarter Not Harder

Out of all those stupid proverbs and advice that only a high school councilor or a wise sensei would say, work smarter not harder. My fatal flaw is that I usually just jump into working for any task, whether big or small, without really planning.

I’ve done this so many times, especially for school work and essays. And even this blog page. I won’t even think long enough about a good topic or what I really want to do; I just start writing it from scratch. And it usually takes me a thousand words to realize its crap but I don’t want to redo it because I’ve already written a thousand words. I’ve done this with countless blogs that never meet my seal of approval.

 I’m also very stubborn and if I’ve been doing something some way for a long time I don’t want to change the way I do it. To give a fucked up analogy, I’m like a milk farmer that doesn’t want to upgrade to a milking machine even though he gets kicked in the jaw and balls every time he milks cows.

There are a lot of things that I have changed my opinion of. I have just started eating yogurt and I love it. I look back and wondered why I never really tried it before. I also hear about people who have never watched Star Wars and even though I urgently recommend it. They won’t even give it a chance. I mean come on its Star Wars, not Brokeback Mountain.

And sometimes I still have to give something a chance. The first time I saw Family Guy I thought it was stupid. That all changed by the fourth episode and now is one of my all-time favorite shows. I even have seasons one, two and three on DVD and the Family Guy Star Wars Trilogy, which is absolutely hilarious.

One of my biggest mistakes had to be working out. Without even discussing it with other people or looking anything up online, I just started to go with it. And my first routine I did have had to be the most retarded ever because back then I really didn’t have any weights. My motto was “no pain, no gain” and I also thought I better just start eating tons of meat. So I pretty much looked manorexic, even though I ate way more than anyone and ended up forcing myself to eat a shit load of food just before.

Then having no weights I would do retarded isometric resistance exercises that my high school teacher taught us like sitting on a chair against a wall, only with no chair. And I did this till I could no longer do it. I also thought stretching was for ballerinas and pussies.

And to top it off, I decided to work out every night except for weekends. So I was sore everyday and never really gave myself a chance to rest because I thought that would have to be the best way to bulk up. In other words I thought I’m forcing my muscles to grow.

After I started doing it, I pretty much hated it. I got a bit depressed because between school, homework and working out I didn’t have much leisure time to relax or watch Dawson’s Creek. I was always tired. That all changed in college. Most of my classes were after noon and I could finally sleep in. Sleeping in is one the best feeling ever, what a difference that can make.

And I was hardly seeing any results. But I wouldn’t stop or even change my routine for years. Now I go to Good Life only twice a week and only for about 45 minutes at a time and it’s so incredibly easy. I actually enjoy hitting the gym now. So in conclusion, knowledge can really be power. It’s never too late to change and try something new. Except crack, you don’t want to try it.