Welcome to Canada

Border Runs

If you don’t know yet, I live in Sarnia Ontario, Canada (for those who don’t know where Ontario is) which boarders Port Huron, Michigan. There is the St. Clair River that divides us from our American neighbors. And we have two bridges, and ferry down south.

You can get a Nexus pass which is for frequent drivers so they can use the quicker Nexus lane. What really pisses off is when there is a long lineup and people try to bud in. My dad won’t give them an inch. If you do have a Nexus pass you put on your four ways to let everyone know. Then some asshole just thinks hey I will just skip everyone else too.

I know two custom officers that like to mess with people. Kind of like in Super Troopers. There is the meow game where you say meow as many times as possible. For example, when they mean “now” they say “meow”. Such as “can I have your passport meow?” One funny custom guy said “don’t look at me like that” and it startled me and I said I wasn’t. He was joking.

So years ago out of boredom I decided to cross the bridge and check out the mall. I got into the shortest line but it was still about a 20 minute wait. Everything was going smoothly until I noticed that they had a German Sheppard. As soon as I saw it, fear overcame my entire body, I was literally shaking.

It was the most intense and scariest moment of my life because I usually keep a small bag of weed, a pipe and a lighter in my cargo pants pocket. They started going along the rows of cars with the drug sniffing dog.

So I slowly checked my pockets and I was so relieved to find them empty. Actually I had a McDonald’s coupon. I was still a little nervous as the dog came by. All I wanted to do was give the biggest boot to the dog’s face because he suddenly stopped by my car. Just then I noticed that I had some ashes and small bits on the floor.

The officers immediately started interrogating me like I was a fucking terrorist. They were all like “whose car is this? Where are you going? Where is the weed? Why are you so nervous?” And I was like “I’m headed to the mall, this is my brother’s and my car. I don’t have any weed, but sometimes my brother leaves roaches in the ash tray. And I’m not nervous!” I was nervous.

The guy was yelling at me, “This is your last chance, tell me where the weed is.” So they searched my entire car while I had to fill out some forms and tests. They hated me, they were looking at me like I dealt crack.

I lied and I told them that the last time I smoked was years ago. And they were still like “nice hemp necklace!” I got a little scared when I had to rub my hands against this pad and I was about ready to give the most emotional heart to heart as to why I smoke weed.

But when they couldn’t find anything, they simply let me go. When it was all done and over with I realized how insane it is that marijuana is illegal. Just replace the word weed to cigarettes or vodka and you’ll know how I feel.

Years later my idiot brown friend smuggled weed from the States back into Canada. Great idea, that’s worth it. They totally racial profile brown people. Personally I can get weed pretty much anytime I feel like it. But I like to buy a lot each time to save the hassle.

He also tried to score weed at the hemp shop. Obviously they smoke weed but it’s not going to happen. I did buy a pipe for some underagers one time. I hope they got really high. It was my good deed of the day. 

If I was going to smuggle drugs over the river I’d get an old couple into the heist. They would drive an RV and load it up with stuff you’d normally bring if you were going to Vegas or wherever. Then I’d hide the narcotics in the Frosted Flakes, medicine or Grammy’s tampons. If old women still use tampons.

Or I would get a Nexus pass and regularly play soccer or work or make up something as to why I’m going to the States all of the time. Or maybe I’d take my chances on the ferry.

If you think gas is high in the States then try Canada. And it keeps going up and there’s nothing else to do except get a hybrid. In fact people will go over to the States just to fill up.

I don’t know why the price of gas fluctuates. Just keep it the same for at least a week at a time and save the headaches. There must be some evil underground council that decides the price for all of the gas stations.

The cool part of the U.S. is that you can buy beer anywhere, anytime for real cheap. So when the beer stores are closed and we want to get drunk that very night, we do a border run.

On the news I heard in the middle of winter some guy put on some scuba gear and put some coke in a waterproof container. He swam across the river in five in the morning and someone must have seen him and alerted the police. Now I forgot where he was going. I hope for his sake he was headed to Canada. Otherwise he’ll be sucking dick for a long fucking time.