A Nightmare on Elm Street

One, two, Freddy's coming for you.
Three, four, better lock your door.
Five, six, grab your crucifix.
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late.
Nine, ten, never sleep again.
I just had a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon the other day. Alone. In the dark! I have already written a blog about horror flicks way back. I basically said I like psychological horror movies such as the Shinning and I don’t like gross horror movies like Saw. And one of my very first blogs was about dreams and nightmares.

I also liked the first Scream. Part of the fun was guessing who the killer is. Then they made two more sequels and the killer was someone like the cousin’s lawyer’s maid’s best friend. I think they should have used all new casts and characters.

And the only reason I watched I Still Know What You Did Last Sumer is that Jennifer Love Hewitt is incredibly hot. By the way nice long name. I would have just called it I Still Know.

What bothers me is that in so many horror flicks the victims say “I don’t want to die” or “please don’t kill me.” Its’ not like the killer will have a change of heart and decide not to kill them. “Oh I’m sorry I thought you wanted to be violently murdered. I’ll just go and kill someone who does want to die.”

I’ll admit I liked the first Scary Movie. My favorite part is when they made a bong out of the aquarium and the killer’s mouth changes to a big smile. Then they made like ten more with Dr. Phil or Urkal.

The Nightmare on Elm Street came out in an age of slasher films. I never liked Halloween or Friday the 13th. I found them boring. All the killers do was rip people apart.

By the way did you know that in the first Friday the 13th the killer was actually Jason’s mother? Drew Barrymore didn’t know that. And do you notice that there is an Elm Street in every town. I wonder if Freddy ever killed teens on other streets. Like Nightmare on Main Street.

Nightmare was a fresh face for horror movies in the 80s. Krueger is the most badass killer of all time. He’s face and body are burned and scarred. And he has the claw. An awesome weapon. I still have one from Halloween. Only it’s made of plastic. And he wears a striped red and greenish-brown sweater.

If you didn’t know, Kruger was a child murder. He was not charged on the account of a technicality, so the parents set him on fire. He swore revenge on the parents by killing their children who live on Elm Street. He attacks them in their dreams. And if they die in their dreams they die for real! Kind of like in the Matrix. I liked that, its fresh change of pace.

Originally Freddy was supposed to be a pedophile but that’s not cool. I’ll admit I think kids would rather be molested over getting murdered but everyone hates molesters. Haha, like my uncle Chuck. Haha. Oh Uncle Chuck I never told a soul. As the movies progressed you kind of like Fred and start rooting for him. I like when he cuts off his own fingers.

As a young kid I was terrified of Nightmare on Elm Street. I used to cover my face with a pillow for all of the scary parts. So that was pretty much most of the movie. And I was afraid to sleep later that night because Freddy might attack me in my nightmares and devour my eternal soul. Then I watched it a few days ago and I’m thinking this used to be scary? I think I laughed more than anything.

So here is a short summary about each Nightmare on Elm Street movie. If you haven’t seen any Nightmares than read no further and go out and watch them. This is for people who haven’t seen it or will never see it. By the way this is one long ass blog.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Every horror movie has to begin with a hot chick in danger. Normally this hot chick gets killed but Tina wakes up with some scratches on her blouse. Her friend Nancy and her boyfriend Glen (Johnny Depp) also have some similar nightmares. On Elm Street!

I’m paraphrasing it, but the best line is when Tina’s boyfriend Rod says he has a hardon with your name on it and Tina responds that my name has four letters, how could you fit that on your dick?

So Nancy’s alcoholic mother and her boyfriend are away and Tina and Rod have make up sex. And once someone has fucked in a horror movie they get killed. The first murder is when Tina is asleep and then Freddy drags her all over the room and ceiling. And since Rod was right there and Tina was screaming his name they accuse him of murder.

The next kill scene is when Rod is in jail and Freddy hangs him by his bed sheets. When Nancy faces Freddy, she pulls his hat out of the nightmare. Nancy confronts her mother and she tells Nancy the story about Freddy Krueger.

So the parents freak out and Nancy and Glen are locked inside their rooms. Glen is the next to go and is sucked into his bed and then blood shoots out everywhere. So Nancy is the last one. She tells her mom that Freddy is after them in their dreams but her mom just lets her sleep alone with the windows and doors locked.

Like in Home Alone, Nancy sets all of these booty traps for Freddy. She sets her watch to wake her up in ten minutes and pulls Freddy into the real world. And the first time that Freddy dies is when Nancy sets him on fire. What I don’t get is Freddy was already set on fire and burned all over. How could it get any worse?

Then Nancy tells Freddy that it’s just a dream and that he has no power over her. And like Mario Brothers 2, it was all a dream. What a cop-out. That’s one long ass dream. It’s like watching Lord of the Rings and in the end Frodo wakes up in his bed in the shire and finds out it was all a dream. But I do like the very ending where the gang is in the car and then the roof closes with Freddy’s sweater’s colors. And the bitch just waves. Very surreal.

A Night on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

I wasn’t a big fan of this one. I found it was cheesy. But the first scene is cool. So two chicks and a weirdo are on a school bus. It doesn’t stop at one of the chicks’ stop and we find out Freddy is driving the bus over a cliff. This is why I don’t take city transit. But as kids, before they had the coin counter, we just threw in a bunch of nickels and pennies for the toll.

Five years later the Walshe family move into Nancy’s old house. I wonder how the deal went. Did the real-estate agent knock off $10,000 because some serial killer was killed in that very house? The son Jesse is noticing some weird shit. He and his girl friend Lisa start reading Nancy’s old diary about Freddy.

Who actually writes diaries? Mine would be like today I woke up at 1:00 pm and had a coffee and ate some Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It was delicious. And then I played World of Warcraft for five hours. After dinner I had a nap. Then I watched T.V. until 9:00 pm. Afterwards I smoked a joint and ate a Big Mac combo. And then after another nap I played World of Warcraft until 4:00 am and then slept. A good day indeed.

Anyway, we find out that Freddy is killing people through Jesse’s body. His dick gym teacher gives him detention. The gym teacher gets pummeled by sports equipment. And then he gets tied up and stripped naked and killed by the claw. What a shitty and homoerotic death. But who really killed him? Was it Krueger or was it Jesse?

So Jesse starts using anti-sleeping pills. If I was Jesse, I’d start doing Crystal Meth, again, and stay up all day and night playing World of Warcraft. Jesse transforms into Freddy and kills his friend.

The teens are having an awesome pool party and are getting wasted. Freddy crashes the party and they get wasted. This scene surprises me. Normally only a few people actually see the killer. If I was in a horror movie I’d go to a place where there are tons of people. Like a Wal-Mart. So a lot of the partiers witness Freddy and get sliced up.

Lisa tracks Freddy to this old abandoned power plant where Freddy kept his dead bodies and shit. Lisa tries to get a hold of Jesse in Freddy’s body. This part was so corny. Lisa tries to save Jesse through the power of love. Freddy gets burned, again, and then Jesse is okay. We see them on the bus and they say its all over. But it wasn’t.  And the bus took off just like in the beginning.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

This is my second favorite Nightmare movie. It has the scariest opening. In her dreams Kirsten follows this little girl inside this haunted house. She finds these dead bodies and the girl says your hurting me and turns into a skeleton. Then her wrists get sliced by Fred and she is sent to a mental ward.

In the insane asylum we see a young and handsome Morpheus as a male nurse. Kristen is trying to fight them off and Nancy, now a doctor, calms her down. We also see other patients who share similar nightmares. Philip is a puppeteer who sleep walks. Taryn is a former junkie. Joey is a mute. Will is some wheelchair bound nerd. There is the token black patient Kincaid. And Jenny. She’s just ugly.

Philip is the first to go when ropes come out of his arms like a puppet and Freddy makes him jump off the building. Next while Jenny is watching some television Freddy grabs her and smashes her into the T.V.  And next are some boobies. All movies should some tits. Joey is getting lucky with a nurse but she turns into Fred and he falls into a pit of fire. And is comatose.

The rest of the patients have group dreams where they each have special abilities. Taryn becomes hot but Freddy kills her by injecting needles into her arms. Will can walk in his dreams and like a nerd he becomes some eleven wizard. But his spells don’t work and Freddy just stabs him. Haha nerd!

I don’t get the ending but this mysterious Sister Helena tells them they need to bury Freddy’s bones. So Nancy gets stabbed by Fred and then she stabs Fred with his own glove. They then bury him and put a cross and holy water over his body. And at Nancy’s funeral the ward guy finds Sister Helena’s grave and that she is actually Fred’s mother. Dun, dun dunn! But how could a nun have kids?

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Kristen, Joey and Kincaid are out of the ward and back in school. And being a bitch Kristen sucks Joey and Kincaid back into her dreams. We also meet a hotty Alice, but she’s far too young for me. There is Sheila who has asthma.  Debbie who works out and hates bugs. Rick is Alice’s brother and karate master. I myself have a turquoise belt in Jujitsu. And Dan is Alice’s lover.

Kincaid wakes up in the car dump with his dog where they buried Freddy. Surprise, surprise Freddy is back. Freddy traps Kincaid, and since he is black and all he’s the first to go.

Next, Joey is in his bed and he sees some hot naked chick underwater in his water bed mattress. This is kind of weird. But fuck it, she’s hot. She disappears and Fred says “how about this for a wet dream?” And he drowns Joey. By the way water beds are not too good for your back.

Kristen is drugged and ends up sleeping against her will. At first she is in this tropical island but then Freddy buries her in the sand and she ends up in the boiler room and is thrown into the furnace. I didn’t expect this, I thought she was the main character.

While in school Freddy sucks the air out of Shelia. Next Rick gets killed in a karate match with Freddy. And Debbie being so arrogant about her body and hating bugs she becomes a roach. I didn’t like this scene; it was really gross and she dies in a roach trap.

Finally Alice confronts Freddy. By the way did I mention that Freddy traps souls in his body. Well he does. So they’re at some cathedral and for some reason Freddy is like some vampire that can’t see his own reflection. When Alice pulls out a mirror, for whatever reason, the souls rip him apart. And that’s it. No twist ending. Everything is peachy and the credit song is some really, really shitty rap music.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

This is probably the worst Nightmare. I think it got the worst reviews of the series, like a five out of ten. And I never quite understood this movie. I was confused about Freddy having a kid and being the kid. It’s kind of like the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Alice and Dan star in it, along with newcomers Greta, a wannabe model, Mark a comic nerd and Yvonne a swimmer.

This time the movie begins with Alice having a shower. Too bad it’s foggy. Do you wonder why people sing in the shower? Even for someone who can’t sing and is tone death, I like to sing in the shower. I never sing when I’m cooking or cutting the grass.

And I remember our old shower that you turn the knob a quarter of an inch and it goes from freezing to boiling. Anyway she can’t turn it off and she is almost drowned. But then she becomes a nun in some crazy asylum with zombies. And then Alice is giving birth and some ugly, ugly baby. He runs away and turns into Freddy. “It’s a boy!”

One of the coolest deaths is when Dan is driving and Krueger is on the radio. Freddy takes over the bike while he is drinking some booze and spits it all over them. He then takes the handles and speeds like crazy against traffic. He smokes a tanker and it explodes.

Alice finds out Dan knocked her up. She meets this creepy looking boy named Jacob. The same creepy kid in the beginning of Jurassic Park that called a raptor a turkey. Don’t get me started with raptors.

Greta is at the dinner table. Her mother actually looks scarier than Krueger. Seriously watch it. So Freddy makes Greta eat to death. Not a bad way to go really. You know I rather die of eating too many Big Macs over dying of cancer. Next Mark is reading some comic books and finds out that the comic he is reading is about them.  He becomes a badass, like the Punisher, but Krueger cuts him to pieces. Literally.

And I’m not even going to attempt to explain the ending.

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Freddy’s Dead is my favorite of the bunch. It takes place in Springwood Ohio, in the year 1999. I wonder if there is a Springwood, Ohio with an Elm Street. The movie begins with some teen on an airplane.

When he says he’s afraid of heights the old hag tells him not to be a pussy. He gets ejected from the plane and wakes up in a house that crash lands just like in Wizard of Oz. Then he gets hit by a bus driven by Krueger. He winds up with no memories of who and where he is.

He finds a note in his pocket of a missing person Loretta Krueger. He walks to the next town over and is taken to a youth center by the cops. The youth coordinator Maggie calls him John Doe. There are other kids, Carlos who is half deaf, Tracy is a tough chick that was raped by her father and Spencer a stoner with a rich and overbearing father.

Thinking he has amnesia Maggie suggest they travel to Springwood hoping he might regain his memories. They find out the other troubled teens are stowed away in the back of the van. They arrive in Springwood and notice there are no kids and the adults are all acting crazy. They even see Rosanna and Tom Arnold. I think Rosanna is scarier than Krueger. The kids decide to leave in the van but they find out they are going in circles.

So they have the great idea of going to the creepy house on Elm Street. Carlos finds out he’s trapped in some factory. This is my favorite death scene in all of the Nightmares. First his mother puts giant cue tips in his ear. Then Freddy takes his hearing aid and is walking behind him and acting funny. He asks for his hearing aid back and Freddy makes it super sensitive. So first Fred drops a pin down the stairs creating a huge noise. Then he drops a bunch of pins. And then Freddy scratches a chalkboard with his claw and Carlos’s head explodes.

John thinks he’s Krueger’s son. But he isn’t and Krueger used John to lure his daughter back to Springwood. For whatever reason John is falling but has a parachute. Fred cuts the ropes and he is impaled on some spikes. That’s too bad.

Maggie finds out she is Freddy’s daughter. So she goes to sleep on purpose with the intent of bringing Freddy into the real world and finish him off. And she puts on 3D glasses. Yes, there were 3D glasses long before this craze.

There inside Freddy’s mind she sees how fucked up he was a kid. And how his father would beat him. Years later Freddy’s wife went into Fred’s special room and found all of his serial killer shit. He kills her and tells Loretta, or Maggie, not to tell anyone. But she did. So there is a final showdown and Maggie pins Freddy against the wall with knives and sticks a piece of dynamite down his throat. It explosives and Freddy’s dead. Or so they hoped..

Nightmare on Elm Street 7: Freddy’s Isn’t Dead

Haha, I’m only joking.