Spartacus

I’m Spartacus! No I’m Spartacus! I’m not… I’m Gregeris.
The movie Spartacus underwent the Hollywood treatment where the revolting slaves are pure good and the Romans are pure evil. For instance, in real life the slaves went pillaging the country side and I’m sure the whole love thing with Varinia (a slave chick) was thrown in.

                                         

This movie came out in 1960 when pretty much anything on the big screen was entertaining. This was much before kids like me developed ADHD. They even have intermission; which is just a blank screen with shitty music. I guess when a movie is so damn long the audience needs a break to take a leak and order more popcorn.

So I watched the three plus hour movie while playing video games, pausing for any of the good gladiator fight scenes. I love Roman history and being pure evil as I am, I think gladiator fights are fucking cool. I also think it would be cool to watch a lion and a bear go at it.

Anyway the movie changes some of the history, and so it begins with Spartacus as being a slave his whole life until he is bought to become a gladiator. There the slaves undergo gladiator school to become pure and ruthless killers. Spartacus is rewarded for his training by getting his own slave slut, Varinia. He never even had a girlfriend. They both somehow fall in love. You can tell by the romantic music. They have countless close-ups of them looking at each other. Anyway she is sold to a  Roman senator and ambitious leader Crassus.

Spartacus finally snaps and leads a revolt against his captors. One scene shows him drowning a man in a giant bowl of soup; what a shitty death. They escape to the country side where they free more slaves to join their rebellion. At the same time (I think, but wasn’t really paying attention) Roman leaders and the Senate squabble with each other for whom and how they will stop this growing insurgence.

Spartacus is reunited with his bitch. He asks Varinia how she escaped and she says she flew from the wagon (or whatever). And they both laugh like crazy. They think it’s so funny Spartacus does the whole pez thing where his head goes way back as he laughs. When I smoke weed and watch South Park I laugh like crazy. But I have never laughed so hard in my whole life as Spartacus did.

So Spartacus is freeing other slaves and training them in combat. Just like the show American Gladiators. He meets Antonius, a former royal servant and singer of songs. What a sissy. We saw him earlier giving Crassus a sponge bath. Gay! I don’t know why Antonius fled because he had it good there as a servant. And since anything is funny back then, there are scenes of them endlessly laughing over his simple magic tricks and songs.  In one scene Varinia is bathing nude and finds out Spartacus is watching her the whole time. Creepy. She tells him she got knocked up and they will have a son.

Spartacus reaches a deal with pirates to use their ships to escape Rome and return to their respective homelands. They reach the coast and have one awesome party. But they are doubled crossed and now must fight a much greater Roman legion that has blocked their escape. The battle is fucking cool. The best cinematic battle at the time. It must have used thousands of extras, costumes and horses. I love when the slaves used the rolling logs of fire and the Romans are fleeing for their lives.

The survivors are granted their lives (still as slaves though) if they locate Spartacus or his body.  Spartacus is about to give himself up but two of his friends stand up and say “I’m Spartacus!” And for some retarded reason every single prisoner claims to be him. I don’t know if they wanted to be honorable, to go with the crowd or not to hurt his feelings. So they are all crucified and Spartacus sheds a tear. I think it would have been hilarious if one guy just sat there and said I’m Joe.

So they are all crucified along the roadway. It kind of takes away from Jesus’ noble and horrific death. And ironically without knowing, Spartacus and song boy have to fight to the death! Spoil alert! Spartacus kills Antonius, and then says he loves him. So they crucify Sparty. Varinia brings their son to see Spartacus dying on the cross and then leaves. Not a very happy ending.