The Circus

Lions, tigers and bears oh shit!

Clowns scare the living shit out of me. Have you seen It or a House of a Thousand Corpses? They gave me nightmares. I don’t remember it but a clown came over for one of my cousins’ birthdays and I cried my eyes out and hid behind my mom. We still have the pictures.

They’re not even funny. Seriously who actually laughs at clowns? Haha he wears white makeup and has a huge smile. Haha. His pants are far too big for him. Haha. He must have not tried them. His shoes are also way too big. Haha. But his hat is too small. Haha. His hair is wacky. Haha. And so is his nose. Haha. He should get a nose job. And what’s this? His flower squirts water at you. Haha. Enough, enough, I can’t stop laughing.

Who decides to become a clown anyway? Do they actually take a course like Clowning Around 101 where you have to make balloon animals that don’t resemble anything and perform shitty magic tricks? I think its’ bit creepy having a clown come over to birthdays and kids stuff. You know because it’s a perfect job for pedophiles who would love being surrounded by children all day.

Anyway as far as I know the circus has never come to my hometown. And I’m glad. Again because of the clowns. Back in the day there were the Ringling Bros and Barnum Bailey circuses. Apparently they were the greatest shows on Earth. I guess this was long before T.V. and motion pictures came along. I think Wings took over as the greatest show on Earth.

They would travel around the states and build these massive tents wherever they go. It reminds me of camping when you had to setup your own tent before nightfall. I was so shitty at doing it my friends had to setup mine for me and tell me not to get into their way. “Greg just drink some beer.” When I did try I was sopping wet the next morning and had bug bites all over me.

Many circuses feature live performances with animals. Like having a bear balance on a ball, elephants doing tricks and lions jumping through hoops of fire. But it’s one thing for a dog or dolphin to perform tricks, but not for these animals

PETA annoys me, but there is definitely animal cruelty. I gather they beat animals into submission and lock them in tiny confinements. On stage the lion tamers seem to be friends with the lions. But you know what; they’re still wild and ferocious animals and do not make good pets. They could just lose it at any moment.

And that’s exactly what happened. A couple of times. I was watching this Russian circus on Youtube and the one lion just snapped and attacked the guy. The lion was ripping right into him. The clowns and crew got out hoses, tasers and whatever. And then the other lions joined in. They whole audience fled except for the guy with the camera. That’s karma.

Many circuses have tightrope walkers. I remember as a kid or when I’m drunk, I liked to tightrope walk across parking curbs or anything narrow really. The other year some daredevil with huge balls tightroped across Niagara Falls. I don’t know if he had to have a net or what. I hope he had his passport with him. So what is next, across the Grand Canyon?

But I have to admit the Cirque du Soleil is pretty fucking cool. Cirque Soleil blows the competition out of the water. These aren’t your typical acrobats and lame trapeze acts. I didn’t realize that there are actually a bunch of Cirque du Soleil shows all over the world. I thought there was only one in Vegas.

So I watched a couple Cirques on Youtube and they blew my mind. Especially on weed. Normally I’m not impressed by jugglers but this one guy was crazy. I can do one ball. Maybe two. I have seen two contortionists that flex as if they don’t have bones. I can barely touch my own feet. They could lick their own pussy if they really wanted to. And there were trampoline jumpers doing all of these crazy flips. They should be in the Olympics. And they were all pretty boys in really good shape. Too bad for the ladies they’re probably gay.