Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Rudolph the red nose reindeer is a story about a freak that saved Christmas that will go down in history. The narrator is some snowman that looks like the KFC cornel. I mean he’s wearing clothes when he is made of snow and is carrying an umbrella in the middle of the winter. You know in case it ever rains in the North Pole.

When Rudolph was born he was such a disappointment to his father. So his father Blizen tried covering his nose. By the way I’m not sure what female reindeers do because Santa is sexist and only male reindeers fly his sled. I guess the women are there to cook and make babies.

Rudy sees this hotty reindeer Clarice and its love at first sight. And then the reindeer coach cock blocked him. Well the nose cover fell off and all of the reindeer laughed at him. Kids can be so cruel. And they didn’t let him play any reindeer games. What do reindeer play anyway? Because they don’t have hands and can’t play Nintendo. I guess they play freeze tag or hopscotch. So Rudolph becomes an outcast and decides to run away.

Rudolph meets another outcast, the gay elf Hermey. He doesn’t like making toys and wants to become a dentist. Well better get packing and head to a city where you can learn how to become a dentist. All he has is the book dentistry for dummies. You wouldn’t want some amateur performing a root canal on you. So together they are headed nowhere. Cue a really bad song with four lyrics repeated over and over again.

Soon they become aware of this giant wampa and Hermey shits his pants. After some more terrible songs they run into Yukon Cornelius who is miner after silver and gold. Normally your sled dogs are huskies. No he has all of these shitty little dogs too small to move the sledge and are probably freezing to death.

Yukon likes to yell a lot in the fucking mountains. Great idea dipshit have you ever head of avalanches or the wampa? And he keeps licking his freezing pick axe. Hey your tongue will get stuck on freezing metal. Don’t believe me, try it yourself.

Soon they run into the terrible wampa. But it is scared of water and the gang managed to float away on a piece of ice headed to nowhere. Maybe to their death. Haha but Rudolph can’t die, or else that’s one shitty Christmas story. Haha.

Well they land on the island of Misfits Toys. How convenient. They are introduced by a creepy Charlie in the Box. Honestly what a disturbing toy. He says no kid wants him because of his name. Hey change your name to Jack, its not that difficult. The real reason is he is because he’s boring or I personally find him scary. Do they actually still make them anymore? I mean in Canada?

There are slew of other retard toys like a plane that can’t fly a train with square tires and a Tickle Me Elmo that can’t laugh. But this one doll seems perfectly fine. I couldn’t figure out what her problem is. I bet my Mouse Trap game that never actually works is there. And then the gang meet the king of the island; which was a flying lion that has nothing to do with Christmas.

Rudolph returns home, now with antlers. He finds out that his parents and his lady friend went out searching for him. He’s leaving and the head elf tells him he will freeze and his tunton will die. And Rudy tells him he will see you in Hell! The gang finds them at the wampa’s cave and kicked its ass.

I’m not sure what went down but they befriend the wampa. And when they return to the head office with the giant wampa it scares the shit out of the little elves. And what kind of gifts are these elves making anyway? Seriously they were making these cheap wooden boats and wooden trains.

Finally the best day of the year has arrived and everyone is super psyched. But alas there is a terrible storm that Santa can’t make his way through. Santa proclaims Christmas is cancelled and to get him a glass of Scotch!

I find that a little offensive to all the hardcore Christians saying Christmas is cancelled when the real meaning of Christmas to celebrate Jesus’ birthday and to be with your family. Not! Haha did you think I was serious? Haha. But no Christmas is about presents. So why not just wait a day or two until the storm subsides and then hand out the presents? It’s no biggy; I can wait a few days for World of Warcraft Mists of Pandaria

Then Santa notices Rudy’s bright glowing nose and eureka; Rudy can lead the way. Yeah!  So they’re off and Santa brings along the misfit toys. Instead of landing on rooftops and going down the chimneys like he is supposed to do, he just hands the toys an umbrella so they can magically fall into the rights homes. So many kids are like what the fuck! What kind of stupid gift is this? They all wanted the lasted Nintendo U and not a creepy talking Charlie in the box.