Kids are stupid and part of the fun of having kids is making up shit like Santa Clause. Here is a guide for all of you parents to teach you how to lie to your kids about Santa and to get your stories straight with other parents.
First explain who Santa is. Santa was actually a saint of something. Maybe the patron saint of gifts or some shit. I don’t know. He lives in the North Pole with his wife and slave elves. If you’re good he brings you toys, video games and mittens.
At first kids love seeing Santa in the mall and telling him what they want for Christmas. As kids get older they always ask why there is a Santa in each mall or why in Detroit
He has a list of all of the kids in the world. Now your kid might ask how he can possibly have a list of every kid on a long piece of paper. He has an Ipad now and satellite technology to monitor all the kids. Which seems creepy and invasive when you think about it. I mean he sees you when you’re sleeping. Who is he? God?
If the kids are good they get presents! If kids are naughty Santa brings them coal or Deal or No Deal on the DS. Now your kid might ask why some other kids get a Nintendo U while they asked for one and end up getting Sega Saturn instead. Tell them the elves were getting rid of extra inventory and were too busy to make enough Nintendo Us. Tell them there are hardly any games for it anyway and they might as well wait a year.
Your kid might also ask why people in the ghetto or Africa get hardly anything, if anything. And why are there donations for poor kids when Santa could easily just give them toys. Hahaha just say because they are all naughty. Hahaha.
His sweatshop elves make all of the toys. Now your kid might ask why the toys or the Nintendo 3DS say made in China
The most absurd lie is how Santa can fly around the world in one night to deliver toys to everyone. But children can be retarded. Tell them that the reindeer can fly at mach three and Santa has a magical device that slows down time. I call it Santa’s Stopwatch. They might ask how he can fit all of the toys in one bag because a bike takes up a shitload of room. Well he has a magical bag to fit how many presents he wants.
If you have a chimney that for God’s sake turn if off. One time Santa got third degree burns over 78% of his body and more importantly he was unable to deliver my Zelda game. And what about people who don’t have chimneys? Tell the kids you leave the door unlocked and chimneys are useless. If you live in an apartment then have a volunteer to let Santa in.
Your kid might be wondering how long Santa lives for or even his reindeer for that matter. They all live forever, even though Nick has diabetes from all of those half eaten cookies. He prefers oreo and likes to eat the center. As for milk he likes doing Jagermeister bombs instead. Hey Santa likes to party!
If you can dress up as Santa for your kids then goes nuts. But unless you have a good costume then have someone else do it. As a child I realized immediately that my grandfather was disguised at Santa. Then I told my much younger cousin. If not tell the kids they have to stay in your bedroom until dawn or else he won’t show up. As a kid I was pissed that I couldn’t see him and I wasn’t allowed to sleep under the tree. But I would do anything for toys.
Anyway can you name all of the thirteen reindeer? Well it’s changed because due to equality rights some of the male reindeer have been replaced. You know Dasher and Dancer, and Paula and Vixen, Bertha and Cupid and Donna and Blitzen (awesome name ) but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But Santa no longer needs him anymore with the invention of GPSs and high beam headlights. They keep him around sort of like a mascot. And Dasher broke his legs and Santa had to shoot him.
So tell me when do you find out that Santa isn’t real. I think I was in grade three when I finally put the pieces together I honestly didn’t care. I was more concerned about the presents and not some weird fat old bearded man that sees you when you sleep.
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