I saw the movie Armageddon at theaters ages ago. Everyone loved it except for me. So I saw the movie at Goodwill for 50 cents and decided what the fuck I will watch it; thinking I might write a blog about it. The cashier said how much she liked it. Well I watched it. And I still didn’t like it. I thought it was stupid.
My problems with Armageddon are that it gets silly and unrealistic. And there are so many corny quotes. Such as “you know, drilling’s a science. It’s an art.”
Armageddon stars Bruce Willis, Thornton, Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler (hotty!), Owen Wilson, Steve Buscemi and others. Too bad they were wasted on this stupid movie. Buscemi and Wilson were the only funny ones.
In fact I smoked a bowl and the only time I laughed out loud was in the end when Buscemi said he wants to make babies with some stripper (long story). And I laughed my ass off when I watched Bewitch.
It reminds when me and buddy watched American Pie 2. We smoked a joint thinking we are going to laugh our asses off. We didn’t. I think we ended up playing You Don’t Know Jack. Awesome game. So I actually fell asleep near the end and had to watch it all over again.
If you didn’t know, the movie is about an asteroid (or comet) that is going to crash right into Earth. Or that’s what I think they meant. I took astronomy and I got confused with terminology. I think it is meteoroid. But screw it. So if NASA doesn’t stop it, we are fucked.
In New York
In fact the movie has a shitload of special effects. There were too many damn explosions. Even the word Armageddon at the beginning explodes. So there are some astronauts performing something to some satellite and they are hit by some rocks. And NASA didn’t see it coming.
Thornton, a head guy at NASA, said the asteroid is the size of Texas
The old guy gets to name the incoming asteroid. “I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.” I wonder what I’d name an asteroid? I think I’d call it the Death Star.
Apparently you need to drill a hole in the asteroid to destroy it from within with some nukes. And the only ones who know to drill such a hole are oil drillers. The best of the best are Bruce and his team of zany characters.
So at Bruce’s offshore drilling rig he finds out that Affleck is fucking his daughter. So he decides to murder him. He actually fires his shot gun at him and almost kills him. But it is supposed to be hilarious. I didn’t laugh. I think I would funnier if Bruce did kill him.
The oil drillers must train in a few days to go outerspace so they can drill a hole. I’m pretty sure it’s easier to teach some astronauts to learn how to drill a damn hole than to teach some oil drillers to become astronauts. But that’s the whole point of the movie. It would be a pretty shitty and boring movie otherwise. But it loses all realism.
The drillers are mentally assessed and have to go through some tests. This was supposed to be hilarious. It was funny but I didn’t laugh. A good line is when Owen says “I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.” “Who is Jethro Tull?”
The best part is probably when the crew has the night off so they aren’t burnt out. What would you do if it was your last day before the launch? I think I would also borrow 100,000 bucks and spend it on strippers too. And some good marijuana and Big Macs.
So the plan is to drill a hole in the asteroid and detonate it with a nuke. Apparently they need to drill 800 or so many feet and stick the bomb down it. Hmm. I’m not rocket scientist but I don’t think 800 feet is deep enough to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas
The goal is to split the asteroid into two pieces so they both miss Earth. Hmm. In the opening scene we are told that a comet the size of a few miles destroyed the dinosaurs. Wouldn’t there be thousands of fractured rocks and shit that would hit Earth?
Anyway there are two rocket ships and two teams. They first dock at the space station to fill up and we meet this crazy Russian. Affleck fucks up and the station explodes. That’s too bad. Then they must sling shot around the moon towards the asteroid. I didn’t understand why they went through the tail end of the asteroid with tons of debris and shit instead of the front of the asteroid?
The whole mission was boring. Affleck’s shuttle goes down and everyone thinks they are dead. And we see several shots of Liv crying. She got kind of annoying. However Affleck, big black guy and crazy Russian survive. Owen didn’t.
Meanwhile Buscemi loses it and has space dementia. And for some retarded reason whoever brought along a huge fucking automatic gun. You know, in case they might have to fight off aliens. So Buscemi starts a shooting spree and they tie him up. Why would they need him in the first place? I mean how many drillers do they need?
The other team misses their landing spot and land on hard rock. You hear about some technical drilling jargon and they somehow fuck up their transmission. Whatever the Hell a transmission is. I mean you are drilling a damn hole, how hard could it be?
Affleck finds the other crew and saves the day. But someone has to stay and detonate the bomb. Affleck pulls the short straw but Bruce sacrifices himself. His death wasn’t really necessary, but whatever. I wonder how they would burry him? “Okay just another twenty feet.” “Stop, you’re going to break the transmission!”
My favorite scene is when an asteroid hits Paris
No comments:
Post a Comment