Phobias

How many phobias can you name?

I’m sure everyone knows arachnophobia, homophobia and claustrophobia. If you don’t already know, arachnophobia is the fear of spiders. Great movie by the way. I love John Goodman as the exterminator. In fact I feel like watching it right now.

Obviously homophobia is the fear of gay people. I don’t know why? Maybe these people are afraid of getting raped or something. Maybe they aren’t confident with their own sexuality. And claustrophobia is fear of confined areas.

Funny story, back in college my whole floor went out for dinner. It was far away and only one guy had a car. I didn’t want to pitch in for a cab. So buddy tells me he only has room in the trunk. I thought he meant the back of his vehicle. No, it was his trunk. So they dared me and I said “what the Hell it’s college.” However I made them promise to let me out whenever I want to.

The light went out and I was in the dark. It was pretty scary. I had a bit of claustrophobia. But I made it to our dorm and boy was I was stiff. A huge crowd of people saw me get out of a fucking trunk. A girl asked me about it. I was too embarrassed to reply and my roommate said “he doesn’t’ speak English.”

There are two kinds of phobias. There are the ones which makes sense. You know the ones that deal with danger and certain scary situations. Or just bad things in general. Take ophdiophobia; the fear of snakes. There is a reason to be afraid of snakes. It is a survival instinct to be afraid of them because they could kill you.

For example; you don’t want to walk up to a grizzly bear and hug it. Or there is acrophobia; like fear of heights. You could die by falling from high places like going over a bridge or die in an airplane crash. These are legitimate.

It’s when you go totally overboard. Such as being afraid of every high place. Like walking over the overpass. I personally am afraid of balconies. In fact I’m more scared walking up the stairs to a rollercoaster than the actually rollercoaster itself. I’m afraid of falling down the stairs and breaking every bone of my body.

And then there are the phobias that don’t make any sense at all. Like sesquipedalophobia; the fear of long words. Who are these people and when does this happen? “Ahh, otorhinolaryngological! That’s the longest word ever! Somebody help me!” And maybe making a long ass name for the fear of long words isn’t such a great idea.

I personally have coulrophia. Coulrophia is the fear of clowns. I just wrote about them the other day. I realize there is no reason to be afraid of clowns because they are harmless. I just find them really, really creepy.

I have a bit of dispohobia. Dispohobia is the fear of losing things. I worry about losing my Ipod or my wallet all the time. In fact I have a tic of checking my pockets every ten minutes to make sure that everything is still in my pockets. I actually have nightmares of losing all of my video games.

Pediophobia is the fear of dolls and mannequins. I was terrified of the dolls at my aunt’s house. Seriously they were creepy.  I was afraid of them coming alive and eating my eternal soul while I sleep. And I have a bit of Atyciphobia. That is the fear of failure. Which is my whole life.

My brother’s friend told me he is afraid of mannequins. I’ll admit sometimes when I see a mannequin in the corner of my eye I think it’s a person. A person with no arms or head. But with nipples.

Speaking of mannequins, do you remember Today’s Special? This was Canadian show from the early 80s about a children store where Jeff the mannequin becomes alive. Quite possibly the gayest show ever.

And then there is the 80s movie Mannequin starring Kim Cattrall. Kim Cattrall is the total hoar from Sex and the City and Big Trouble in Little China. She is a mannequin that comes alive only to Larry; from Weekend at Barnies. And there is some really gay black guy. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid so I didn’t know what sex was and I didn’t get all of the gay jokes.

By the way, who makes up these names for these ridiculous phobias? “Hmm, he has the fear of dying in the  World of Warcraft. He must have wowphobia.” So here are some retarded phobias:

Anthophobia is the fear of flowers. What? Flowers are pretty and smell nice. Maybe they have allergies, maybe they are afraid of thorns, maybe they are afraid of bees. I don’t know. “Honey, I’m sorry for beating you and giving you a black eye the other day. Here are some roses.” “Ahh not roses! Get them away!” “I’m just trying to say I’m sorry bitch!”

Chaetophobia fear of hair. What exactly does that mean? Are they afraid of Chewy? I mean are they afraid of their own hair? “Must shave legs! But it keeps growing back. And thicker each time.” But hey, they might like bald guys.

Gymnophobia is the fear of nudity and  gynophobia is the fear of women. That’s got to suck for them. I mean how do they have sex? “Ahh, hot naked chicks. I can’t watch.” “Ahhh, Playboy magazines. Get them out of sight.” And venustraphobia is the fear of beautiful women. Homo!

Heliophobia is the fear of sunlight. Are they afraid to leave the house? Or do they only go outside at night? Or are they vampires? I myself only leave the house for a McDouble or junior chicken burger when I’m locked into some video game. Like when I’m playing Elder Scrolls: Skyrim for Xbox 360. Awesome game.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666. Great name by the way. It sounds like another computer virus. Again how are they afraid of a number? “666, that’s the devils number.” It reminds me of the movie 23 with Jim Carrey where it doesn’t make any sense. “1,2,3. Wait. There is one 23. And 1 plus 2 plus 3 equals 6. 6 times 23 dived by 6 equals 23.”

Hypnophobia is the fear of sleep. That blows. I don’t understand how they function without sleeping. It’s not like Nightmare on Elmstreet. Maybe they should drink a lot of energy drinks like I do. I’m afraid to stop breathing and die in my sleep. But seriously I hate when you wake up and you’re arms fall asleep and they feel like noodles. It happened the other day and it freaked me out.

Ipovlopsychophobia is the fear of having you’re photo taken. I don’t like photos because I’m ugly. And I can’t smile because apparently I look like a pedophile when I do. But do you ever look back when you were younger and think wow I didn’t look so bad. Oh what would I have done differently when I was young?

Mysophobia is the fear of germs, contaminations or dirt. These people are otherwise known as germaphobes. They funny thing is some of them know how irrational they are but they can’t control it. They will wash and scrub their hands hard all of the time.  My mom makes me wash my hands every time I come back inside the house. Are these germaphobes afraid of getting mono? And can they shake hands or get laid. It reminds me of the movie12 Monkeys. Was there really a virus or what?”

Thanatophobia is the fear of dying. I thought everyone is afraid of dying. Unless you have cancer or some terrible disease. Or unless you’re Rosy O’Donnell.

Trypaophobia is the fear of needles. That’s why I only smoke or pop my heroine. Haha. But I remember back in elementary school we had to get hepatitis shots and all of the girls were crying. We got a donut afterwards. My mom was a “bacteriologist.” I still don’t know what she did but it involved giving injections and being surrounded by blood samples all day.

Workplace phobia. Haha. Whatever. Who was the genius that came up with that idea? “Sorry boss, I’m terrified of desks, Xerox photocopiers, water coolers and pencils.” It reminds me of the awesome movie Office Space. People weren’t supposed to work in cubicles all day. Like me.

Xanthophobia is the fear of the color yellow. They must have a phobia for everything. How do you avoid the color and what happens when you see it? I mean I hate the color pink but I’m not going to freak out when I see some chicks in some tight pink pants.

There are also phobias of all kinds of people. Like Sinophobia; the fear of Chinese, people. Or negrophobia; the fear of black people. That’s not some condition. That’s racist. But I admit I’m I little weary of crazy middle easterners that blow themselves up. I’d call it suicidebomberphobia.

Nomophobia is a new one. It’s the fear of being out of mobile phone contact. That’s right. I don’t even have a cell phone. What could possibly happen if they are afraid that they can’t hear him now? “I’m out of range. Dammit! I have to tell her to pick up some milk at the grocery store. And who knows what Joe is up to?”

Turophobia is the fear of cheese. Right. I understand if you’re lactose intolerant, you would naturally be afraid of milk. That sucks. Do they use water when they eat cereal? Imagine not knowing the joy of eating some whoppers. Mmm. I think they should just save of all of this time and energy and just call all of these crazy phobias: crazophobia.

And there even is Phobophobia; the fear of having a phobia. That doesn’t make sense. “I’m afraid that I’m afraid of something.” But there are people who are hypochondriacs who think they have every disease there is. Like heart cancer. I’m afraid aliens put this device up my rectum that controls my thoughts that makes me say random stupid shit. I’d call it probephobia.

I think there should be a phobia of getting speeding or parking tickets that I’d call “finophobia.” After I got hit by a car I’m afraid of crossing the road and the car not seeing me. I might call it “blinddriverphobia.” And what about a phobia about spontaneous combustion? I’d call it “burntalivephobia.” It’s not funny until it happens to you.

Finally what about the fear of getting a computer virus. I’d call it virusophobia. Worse yet there should be a phobia of your mom catching you jerking off. I’d call it “whenyouthinkyouarealoneandyourmomcatchesyouinthemiddleofmasturbatingphobia.”