Channel Surfer

I am defiantly a couch smashed potato. I have been born and raised on TV. When other kids were playing outside with kites or devil sticks, I was watching the Gummi Bears or Perfect Strangers. Even while I’m doing something else I have to have the TV on too. It keeps me company on those cold Canadian nights.

I’m also defiantly a fast channel changer. While mom takes her sweet time looking at each channel, I’m flipping like crazy. “Shit, shit, shit, oh Coach. Yeah! Coach!” In fact each season I have a routine. For example in grade ten, there was Drew Carrey at 6:00, News Radio at 6:30 and an hour of Simpsons, Murder She Wrote at 8:00. You get the point.

What they really need to do is have a rerun station of only good shows. And I mean good shows. Like Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Golden Girls... You get the idea. It would be a channel when there is nothing else on but you have nothing better to do. I’d call it “GTV.”

I have always watched UPN, Fox, Global or whatever. But now I have all of my favorite sitcoms or series such as the Big Bang Theory and Three Men on DVD. So I watch a lot of A&E and the History channel. Too bad I don’t have HBO or satellite. So here are a few popular cable TV channels.

TLC

I believe TLC stands for “Tender Loving Care?” Or does it mean “The Learning Channel?”

But as of lately this channel as nothing to do with learning. For instance; everybody knows about the stupid show Honey Boo Boo Child. I don’t know what you can learn from this show other than how shitty the life of redneck is and how creepy child beauty pageants are.

Some of their educational shows include Hoarders, Sara Palin’s Alaska, Kids by the Dozen, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Cheapskates, Cash Cab and BBQ Pitmasters. “Wow, I learned so much. It’s better than reading a book or attending university.”

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant seems to stand out. Um, have you ever heard of a pregnancy test? In fact how can you be on the show if you don’t know if you don’t know you’re pregnant? I mean do you call the station and say I threw up, I might be pregnant. Or it might be the Taco Bell. And how many shows can you get from one knocked up slut? Two, Three?

The Shopping Channel

The Shopping Channel is for people too lazy to actually get off the couch and do some real shopping. However my mom watches it all of the time and finds items that you can’t buy in stores. Like all of my mom’s beauty products and shoes. Because women can never have enough shoes.

I love how they market the product. For example they might try to sell some hair shavers. “Here are some top of the line hair shavers that come with eight lengths for a low, low price.” “And we will give you another hair shaver with four more lengths for free!” “But wait! We will include wax for those unsightly mustaches.” “And if you call within twenty minutes, we will give you nose tweezers for free!” “So you get two hair shavers with twelve lengths, mustache wax and nose tweezers and free delivery!”

I mean what happens if all you want is a damn shaver without the mustache wax?

Much Music

Do you remember when Much Music or MTV actually played music videos? Every time when there is nothing else on television I want to watch some music videos. But every time there is some shitty vampire show or shitty reality show aimed at young teenage girls.

They might as well make a whole other channel for these stupid girls where they can watch as many videos of Justin Bieber as they desire. Dreaming that one day he’s going to whisk them off their feet and live in his mansion happily ever after.

I admit that I do enjoy watching Cribs. It reminds me of Life Styles of the Rich and Famous. Only not for old people. Too bad they show the same damn cribs all of the time. Many are white people I have never heard of like skiers or some fat comedian.

Then they have rappers. I’m trying not to be racist, but they’re idiots. They come from nothing and they release some hits about coming from nothing. They make a quick fortune and they have to spend it all right away as if the gravy train won’t stop. Choo-choo!

I saw one idiot with a huge fucking house and five cars. He even showed his bling bling. One was a giant J necklace made out of gold and diamonds. What the fuck is he going to do with this $70,000 necklace. I guarantee he will go broke in three years and get a maybe a tenth of what paid for that awesome necklace. And who knows what will happen to this sad soul.

Sure I can’t get enough of up beat songs like “Capital Cites: Safe and Sound.” But if I see another Miley Cyrus video like “Adore You” I’m going to smash my TV. She would be way hotter if she actually had a normal haircut instead of her dyke do.

So play some grunge rock, play some punk, play some metal, play some hip-hop, play some classic rock, play anything. Except for boy bands. And except country.

CNN

I don’t really read the newspaper. I normally get my news from Yahoo when I’m online searching for stuff. Or I read People when I’m waiting in the E.R. to get a kidney stone removed.

But if I want to hear more about the Toronto mayor admitting to smoking crack, pushing an old lady over or telling the press he has more than enough pussy to eat at home I’m going to watch CNN. And he plans to run for mayor again. Mmm, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

However I don’t give a shit about more Muslims and extremist blowing themselves up or protesting and shit. You know why? It happens every fucking day. And its never going to stop because they are all nuts. So I don’t need around the clock coverage of these crazy fucks.

It’s funny though, I remember watching CNN and the anchorman is in the middle of doing legitimate news when he was interrupted for breaking coverage of Brittney Spears being chased by the paparazzi. I swear to God. He was pissed off and said something like that’s not real news and that they can wait to the end of the news hour.

The Francis Channel

Because Canada is bilingual we have the French channel. Boourns. Only there are really no French shows. They are all English speaking shows with subtext or French audio. And our video games have two manuals for the frogs even though the game is only in English.

I remember when I watched the South Park movie they had it in French too. Only they didn’t even get close to sounding like the characters should sound like. The guy who did Cartman tried way too fucking hard to sound funny.

And I remember being totally baked at this party. They were listening to rap music while I was watching South Park with the mute on and it looked like every character was rapping. It was hilarious. Try it for yourself.

BET

The Black Entertainment is a channel is for black people. I think there should be other TV channels for other dominations. Like IEN; the Bollywood Channel. JET; Japanese Entertainment Channel. LET, the Latino Channel or WET the White Entertainment Channel. Hmm, wait scratch that last one.

I remember buying an Ecko hoody and a FUBU shirt. Only I didn’t realize that they are meant for black people and that FUBU stands for For You Buy You. I just liked the rhino. What bugs me is when people wear those white shirts meant for Shaq. Or they don’t bend their rim of their hat and leave the stupid sticker on.

Some of my favorite shows are of black families. The Cosby show is the iconic sitcom. Then he had that show kids say the damn funny things, even though it seemed pretty scripted. You never hear a kid utter swear words or call him a jigger. And then he promoted Jell-O. I don’t take the advice of a TV dad on desert that there is always room for.

I really liked Family Matters as a kid. And by kid, I mean teenager. But I already wrote a blog about Urkel. What I don’t get is didn’t anyone in the show notice that Judy magically disappeared? “Dad, didn’t I have I younger sister?” “I told you never to speak of that family matter!” And I didn’t know why Aunt Rachael had to leave and abandon her young child?

One of my all-time favorite shows is the Fresh Prince. I love all of the characters, but I love Carlton the most. Then there were shows I didn’t understand at the time. Like it’s a Different World. And now every black comedian has their own shitty show.

The Feminist Channel

Then there is the Women’s Network. I never really sat down and watch it because it sounds gay and boring. Kind of like how every female standup comic has to joke about women issues. Like periods or how men are idiots. Then they show women empowering movies like “a League of Their Own” the “Joy Lucky Club” or “Selma and Louise.”

Comedy Central

Finally the Comedy Central is my number one channel. They have all of my favorite shows like South Park, Workaholics, Tosh.O, Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Just to let you know. But sorry, I got to go, Mamma’s Family is on.