Field of Dreams

Field of Wet Dreams

Pre-Water World disaster Kevin Costner stars in the 1989 hit Field of Dreams. If you don’t already know, Kevin basically makes a baseball field in the middle of his corn field where these old dead baseball playas come to play.

First off, I hate baseball. I love pretty much every sport there is except baseball. I realize baseball is an American pastime but I’m Canadian and hockey is the best sport there is.

Baseball is so boring to play and watch. Unless you’re drunk. Nothing exciting ever happens. “Oh he hit the ball out of the park. Good for him.” “Oh he caught a ball going over fence. Awesome! Let’s see a replay of that shit.” I do love playing soccer baseball though.

So Kevin is going crazy and is hearing voices. The voices I hear are telling me to kill Tom Hanks. I don’t know why but whatever. He hears that “if you build it, he will come.” And then he sees an image of a baseball diamond and the baseball playa Shoeless Joe Jackson. But wait, he’s already dead.

I guess he’s some kind of ghost. By the way I don’t know why people believe in ghosts. I’m a 100% sure there is no such thing. I’m more certain of that then believing in God or that my coke zero actually has 50% less calories.

One of my very first blogs was about ghosts. To keep it short, you have to think scientifically. Pretty much everything is made of molecules. Are ghosts made of molecules too? And why do they always lurk in dark basements and what do they do all day? You’d think they will just come out of the closet. Like John Travolta.

So crazy fucker decides to build a baseball diamond in his corn crop. He even got flood lights so his imaginary friends can play in the dark. Those lights must use a shitload of energy. So I guess he’s a farmer. What I don’t understand, is he the only laborer on his farm? You’d think he’d hire more help or Mexicans.

I remember my first real job as a corn detasseling. First off we had to ride the bus like forty minutes both ways to our corn field. Without being paid. It was the worst fucking job ever. Going back and forth detasseling every last cob and getting slapped in the face by the tall corn stalks. And with hardly any breaks. I still made some real money but I quit after two weeks.

Anyway, all of the neighbors think he’s fucking nuts and that he can’t afford his field of dreams. Months go by and no “if you build it, he will come” That’s what she said. Finally Kevin’s daughter Karen sees Shoeless Joe Jackson. When I was a little child I saw OB1 but nobody believed me. Then Kevin and his woman also see Shoeless.

However Kevin is going bankrupt and his bro in law wants him to sell the farm and forget about this silly baseball obsession. It’s too bad Kevin could have let the neighbors use it instead of ghosts who don’t wear shoes.

Then Shoeless invites the rest of his team; the Chicago Black Socks. They play some mean baseball and when they’re done they disappear into the corn field. And they must go through a shitload of baseballs out there.

Kevin is hearing more voices. This time the voices tell him to “ease his pain.” And he has no fucking clue what that is suppose to mean. At the local school some parents are trying to ban a book by this older author Mann. Kevin’s bitch gets into an argument with some broad and is about to fight her. Meow. But if you see these two women it’s not as hot as it sounds.

I missed some parts because I was playing World of Warcraft at the same time but he finds out the author of the books, Mann; who became a bit of hermit. He always wanted to play baseball for the Brooklyn Dodgers or something. I don’t know.

So Kevin decides to seek out him in Los Angeles. By the way Mann is black; so I thought it was hilarious when Kevin is asking random people if they have seen a tall black man. But Kevin finds him. Mann gets pissed off when Kevin comes over so Kevin takes him hostage pretending his finger in his pocket is a gun.

Again Kevin hears the  voices “to go the distance.” Hey that’s my motto. He finds out about this guy Graham that only played one major league game but never got up to bat. Too bad he’s dead. But Kevin finds his ghosts as an old man who tells him he had rather be a doctor than a playa.

So later Kevin picked him up as a young kid, who wants to play some hardball. With Graham as the 9^th playa they can finally play a real baseball game. And guess what, he hits a home run.

Meanwhile bro in law is pissed off with them pretending to see this makeup ball game. He gets into an argument and they knock Kevin’s daughter off the bleachers. Normally they would call a doctor or do something. But don’t worry Graham becomes a geezer again and pretty much just pats her on the back. Apparently she was chocking on a hotdog.

Then bro in law finally sees all of these ghost ball playas and tells Kevin not to sell the field of dreams. Mann is invited to go with these ghosts and write a novel about them.

And Kevin is reunited with his old man as a younger ball playa. I myself never put on a glove and play catch with my dad. For one thing I throw like a chick. So we kicked the old soccer ball around.

So Kevin’s dad asks if this is Heaven. Hmm. That’s a pretty shitty Heaven playing boring ass baseball for the rest of your afterlife. And the movie ends with all of these cars lined up to see Kevin throwing the ball to himself. I guess it would be kind of funny to guck at this crazy man.