Toys from the 80s and 90s

More Blogs About Toys

I have already written about the 80s, board games, Lego, politically incorrect Guess Who and other toys. But here are some more.

First off, I wonder who decides what age group toys are intended for? I feel a bit old when something is intended for 5 to 12 year olds. It should be just 5 to 90 year olds.

View Masters

View Masters are 3D toy cameras where you insert reels and the pictures pop out at you. They were fun at the toy store. After you see the reels like ten or fifteen times there is really no point now is there. They still have them at Toys R Us.

I think they should have submarine simulator reels where you see Soviet subs and enemy ships. Or better yet, Hustler reels where you see 3D boobs. That would be hot.

Chia Pets

Chi, chi, chi, Chia. Remember Chia Pets? As you should know, Chia Pets are the small animals or models with seeds planted on them that grow into grass. For example there was the Chia ram in which the grass is supposed to be fur. Only green fur. Then they started creating a variety of Chia pets or Chia whatever. They even made a Chia Homer Simpson. Too bad he’s fucking bald dipshits. And too bad they haven’t created Chia mushrooms or Chia pot. Yet.

Don’t Wake Daddy

I have heard of this board game but I have never tried it. As the name implies you have to pass by dad, or step dad, without waking him up. I did this all of the time when I was young and drunk and I had to get by my parents’ room so I could pass out on my bed. Good times.

It’s supposed be light hearted but my dad would get really, really pissed off. For example my dad might be asleep on the couch and I want some Captain Crunch. I would tip toe by but oh shit I woke him up. “Dammit Greg, I have to work tomorrow!” “Sorry dad I was hungry.” “At this hour of the night? Go to bed.”

This is an inside joke but I think they also need a Don’t Wake Doug board game.

Table Hockey

Table Hockey is like Foosball, only it sucks.  They were popular before EA Hockey came along on Sega.  You could only move each player down a specific pathway. You can’t even check or get into fights. Nor are there any referees. And it took a lot of fucking space that you could save for better things. Like a George Forman grill. Or a map of the U.S. Civil War.

Micromachines

I loved Hot Wheels but I loved Micromachines even more. I used to have a ton and played with my buddy on his city map. “Wee, waan, wee waan, micro ambulance coming through. Wee, waan, child got hit by drunk Micromachine corvette driver.” I think I was missing a Fiero, hummer and limousine. Or a hummer limousine.

Do you remember the Micromachine guy who could speak incredibly fast? He reminds me of an auctioneer. By the way I have always wondered what if someone bids like a $10,000 but they don’t have $10,000.

I have heard of some poor lady that got screwed. They were selling like twenty chairs and she thought that she’d buy them all for like forty bucks. But it was supposed to be all of the chairs for forty bucks each. That’s too bad.

Lolo Balls

If you don’t already know Lolo balls were shitty toys that looked like the planet Saturn where you jump up and down on it like on a pogo stick. I never had one and I’m glad I didn’t. Unlike a skateboard or roller blades you can’t pull any sick moves or even go anywhere really.

Bed Bugs

Bed Bugs is the cheap game where you use chopsticks to pick up bugs while some adolescent boy sleeps in his bed. And his bed vibrates. I wonder who came up with that genius idea. Maybe they should have adult Bed Bugs where a couple are fucking and thus vibrating the bed and you have to pick used condoms.

Walky Talkies

“Delta here. Charlie all over the fucking place. Over.” “Geo here, napalm delivery is on the way. Over.” Walky Talkies were awesome as a kid. I think mine had a range of 500 feet! Years later my friends bought some expensive walkie talkies. We could even call across town. And then cell phones came along.

Crossfire and Rockem Sockem Robots

I have never actually played them because they looked stupid. The crossfire could be better if it was more like pinball, against someone else. And Rockem Sockem robots were retarded. It’s not like you can jab, block or even bite someone’s ear.

Construx

I have already written about my favorite toy Lego. But I also loved Construx. You connect plastic pieces together and make whatever you could dream of. My cousins even had the ones where they move. Yes. They move! KNEX are cool too. But I have nothing really to say about it. I just liked them, that’s all.

Light Brite

I remember a while ago I smoked a lot of weed and decided to rummage through my old toy box. Only it wasn’t a box but a giant egg that looked like Humpty Dumpty. Haha he humps and he takes a huge dump. Fun fact: nowhere in the nursery rhyme or story did it say Humpty was an egg. So I found my light brite and it was really trippy. I deiced to make a huge pot leaf.

Play-Doh

Play-Doh was fun because you could create anything you can think of. Such as dragons or hamburgers.  Too bad you couldn’t eat it. But mine harden after a while. Just like my dick after watching Sex and the City. Then they made toys to go with it. Like toys that made noodles, hair or shite.

Easy Bake Oven

If I knew you were coming I’d bake a cake. Bake a cake. Easy Baked Oven is a mini oven with a light bulb that cooks cookies. I love cookies but I never had one. I guess they were intended for little girls. I would love an Easy Big Mac Oven. I’m pretty sure they use the same light bulb as McDonalds.

Dolls that Piss

When I was wee one, I loved one stuffed animals. Especially my soccer ball popple. But I was scared of dolls. And I still am. My aunt had a ton of them and they gave me nightmares. I thought they would come alive and eat me in my sleep.

Then they had realistic dolls that cry or whatever. There were even dolls that pissed or throw up. Gross. Do little girls actually enjoy this? Maybe they should have geezer dolls where you have to change their diapers and give them medicine.

Then there were those expensive realistic dolls that high school students had to carry everywhere they go and feed them or rock them when they cry. I guess this is for all those dirty sluts to realize teen pregnancy isn’t fun. I would love to grab one and just throw it out the window. I don’t know if the baby doll dies but I bet they would lose points.

Talkboy

I always wanted a Talkboy. Basically Talkboys can record messages and change the speed of the messages. This can come handy when drinking. “I’m so fucking wasted man. And there is this hotty looking at my way. Time to turn on the Merchant charm.”

Do you ever hear yourself when you were recorded? In my head I sound like a suave double agent. When I hear my own voice I sound like a cartoon character. I also wonder if you could tell how hot a chick is by her voice. And would you go out with a lady even if she sounds like white trash? Sure they could be a total hotty but eventually you would get sick of hearing her talk.

Teddy Ruxpin

I just saw the movie Ted again the other day. Hilarious. My favorite part is when Ted and Mark fight. Or when Mark knocks out the fat kid. And Jackie is totally hot.

I have never seen a Teddy Ruxpin but my buddy had a fake one. Rux of course is the talking bear who moves his eyes and mouth and tells stories. He has a cassette player built in his back. I think the new ones have those USB memory sticks.

I don’t know what stories he tells. Maybe he tells of stories of getting drunk and doing some random stuffed animal slut. Or maybe the story of the Three Little Pigs. I don’t know. I had my mom to read me bed time stories and not a robotic bear.