Candy Makes You Dandy
You know I’m running out of ideas for blogs when I make one about candy. But I have already written it, so bite me. I am however taking suggestions for new blogs. So drop me a line.
The Convenience Store
When I was kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kiwki-Mart and buy some candy. Back then candy was cheap. I used to be able to buy fun dip for a quarter. Now it cost $1.50. Inflation is a bitch. But it’s still fun as ever and you can eat the stick too. I also loved Nerds.
The Munchies
As an adult I still love candy. One of my favorite things to do is smoke weed, walk to the Kiwki-Mart and eat some candy. If you have never smoked weed than there are few curious things about it. One is that you get the munchies and everything seems to taste even so much better. I love chocolate on weed.
Another is that time seems to slow down. I don’t want to quote a Brian Adams’ song but its like when you were a kid and those summer days seemed to last forever. Now the days seem so much shorter. Where do those afternoons go? Am I the only one who notices this?
The Vending Machine
Vending machines are everywhere where there is no other place to buy food. Like at the hockey arena or the bowling alley. I don’t like paying $175 for an Aero bar. But I don’t like feeling hungry.
What I hate about vending machines is when you’re chips or whatever don’t fall down. So I would punch it and shake it. You would be surprised how many people died when trying to steal from vending machines. Apparently four times that of shark fatalities. What a stupid way to go.
Then there are times when the vending machine won’t accept your quarters or loonies. At least it isn’t as bad as over in the U.S.
Hey my American neighbors get with the times. Loonies and toonies are so much easier than having a shitload of dollar bills that look like any other bill. We even got rid of the penny. It’s so much easier. I mean what is the point of having a penny anyway?
So I was at the old Zellers years ago and bought a pop at the vending machine. The light was on and everything so I put in my loonie into it and nothing happened. And it ate my loonie.
So I told customer service in Zellers and she said they don’t own it or something and instead gave me a number to call. Yes, I’m going to call and wait an hour for them to give me a dollar refund. If they can give me a refund at all. Damn you vending machine! Damn you to Hell!
By the way do you remember that Simpson episode where Homer gets his hand caught in the vending machine? And after a while they ask if he is still holding onto the can of pop or whatever. And he was still holding on to it. That was hilarious. I just sounded like that cute band chick from American Pie.
And while I’m on the topic I remember a long time ago in the Mooretown arena there was a cigarette vending machine. That’s hilarious. “Dammit the vending machine won’t give me my Camel cigarettes. And I’m only twelve.” I’m sure it’s gone now.
Zits
I don’t have the best complexion. Even though I use non-name proactive and a lot of soap in the shower. But my parents can tell when I’m breaking out. Every time I eat a lot of sugar I get zits. So trust me, getting zits from eating candy isn’t a myth.
The Dollar Store
I like to bulk up on candy at the dollar store. I buy most of my chocolate bars and chips there. And my energy drinks. I buy a lot skittles and starburst there to sneak into the movie theatre. I’m not going to wait in line and pay five bucks when I can buy the same damn sour patch kid bags for a dollar.
Some of My Favorite Chocolate Bars:
Wonder bars are my all time favorite chocolate bar.
Mr. Big is awesome because it’s so big. That’s what’s she said. And it tastes great.
“Baby Ruuuth.” That’s one of the best lines by Sloth in the Goonies.
Have a break. Have a Kit Kat. Or a cigarette.
How the fuck do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don’t know.
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Peanut Allergies
I feel bad for people who have nut allergies. They are missing out on a lot of yummy food. I’m not sure which chocolate bars are safe. I’m pretty sure Mars or Hershey are okay. I wonder how they found out that they were allergic. Did they eat some peanut butter and almost die? Or some other severe allergic reaction.
Slurpies are awesome. It’s too bad that none of my nearby variety stores have them anymore. So I have to walk a fair ways to get one. But it’s worth it. I like to have layers of different flavors. Like peach, cream soda and Sprite.
The other day I got a bad brain freeze but I kept on drinking my slurpy because it was so delicious. And I have to change hands when one gets cold. I remember back in the day when those summer day seem to last forever you could buy a huge cup at 7 Eleven for five bucks and then get one dollar refills. Fucking eh.
Five Cent Candy
I always get 5 cent and 25 cent candies at the Kiwki-Mart. I can’t count worth shit because I’m usually stoned and lose track. So I count the candies by fives and tens. Then asshole clerk (I already wrote about this dick clerk before) counts them again like I’m going to rip him off.
I usually get those lips, feet, peaches, pop bottles, worms, berries, sour keys and of course Gummi Bears. (I already wrote about the awesome Gummi Bears cartoon). And I prefer them a little stale. They’re chewier that way.
The Sugar Story
This is a famous story of mine. So I got some five cent candy and ate it too. I kept the bag in my pocket because I don’t like to litter. And it’s still had some sugar left in it. So my mom is doing the laundry and finds this bag of sugar and thinks it cocaine. She freaks out and rushed over to me in my room and asks if this is drugs. I felt relieved thinking she found my weed and assured her it wasn’t drugs.
Warheads
I used to like Warheads. I haven’t seen them in a while. If you don’t know they are extremely hot and or sour candy that you suck on. As a kid I liked eating the red ones because when you spit it looks like you’re spitting blood. Like Rocky.
Push Pops
Push pops are sweet candy that looks like lipstick. And if you don’t want to suck it all you can put the cap back on. But then you walk around with a red, yellow or orange tongue, teeth and lips for the rest of the day.
Ring Pop
I like ring pop because I like bling, bling. In fact if I ever do get married I’d want to propose with a gold ring pop. “Baby, I love you. You’re soul mate. Will you marry me? I’ll get you a real ring when I have saved up enough money.”
Bubble Gum
I also love chewing gum. I remember I’d put like five hits of bubble gum in my mouth and try to blow the biggest bubble ever until it pops. It’s kind of sticky and gross now that I think about it.
Here are some great bubble gum brands:
I want to know how Bazooka Joe lost his eye.
I think Strident lasts the longest but Juicy Fruit tastes the best.
I always wondered if the Olson twins chew Doublemint gum.
5 Gum stimulates your senses. Every time I chew it, it blows my fucking mind.
I love Bubble Tape. Did you know that a roll of bubble tape is six feet long? That’s as tall as I am.
But I hate when people spit their gum on the ground. It’s not as bad as it used to be though back in the day. I have heard that in China
But I wouldn’t sallow it either. That’s what she said. I don’t know if it’s bad for your stomach and stays there for a long time or what? So I usually spit my gum in the sewer drain or garbage.
It’s too bad there isn’t enough garbage cans in my city. Where there are garbage cans they are always filled to the brim. And then they need cans in areas like at the high school where students throw their cigarette butts, pizza boxes, cups and other junk on the ground.
Grandma’s Dish of Mints
Do you ever notice that old people always have that rock hard candy that’s been in that glass bowl that’s been there since Regan was in office? Anyway all of this candy talk has made me hungry. But alas the Kiwki-Mart is closed and I ate all of our cookies. I guess I have to eat an apple or something.
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