T.V. Mascots

The Hamburger Helper Hand

There is the weird Helping Hand thing. He helps my mom make delicious Hamburger Helper lasagna. And he gives hand jobs on the side.

Chester Cheetah

Chester Cheetah is the hip Cheetos mascot. I remember I was eating some delicious Cheetos at the mall and spent the entire day with that orange shit on my teeth. But it was worth it.

Taco Bell Chihuahua

Normally I’m not a big fan of chihuahuas. I think they’re small and ugly and look like a rat. But the Mexican Taco Bell mascot is pretty funny. I really love fries supreme and taco pizzas. Mmm.

Rice Crispy Elves

There are the gay Rice Crispy elves; Snap, Crackle and Pop. I guess that’s because you hear that sound when you eat Rice Crispy cereal. But don’t get them mixed up with the Narcotic elves Smack, Crack and Pot. And I totally love Rice Crispy Squares. Mmm.

Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is a badass that hates dirt and grime. He’s bald, has some huge pecks and is in overall good shape. I wouldn’t fuck with him. And he has an earring and crosses his arm so that he looks like a genie. And one of my favorite Millencolin songs is Mister Clean.

Pillsbury Doughboy

“Poke me and die.” Pillsbury Doughboy, or his other alias Poppin Fresh, is the funny and friendly mascot of Pillsbury. Hoo-hoo. I fucking love their crescents. Hoo-hoo. He looks like some white dooey creature on acid. Hoo-hoo. And people like poking him on the belly. Hoo-hoo.

Green Giant

Ho, ho, ho Green Giant. Green Giant is the vegetable mascot that doesn’t wear pants. Now imagine you are looking at him from the ground up and you see that giant green dick of his just dangling there. That would be gross. He should also be the mascot of marijuana. Ha, ha, ha Weed Giant.

McGruff

McGruff is or was the police mascot. He was the talking dog wearing a trench coat. I don’t know if they had to put him down because of rabies or he got shot because I haven’t seen him on T.V. for a while. But he wants you to take a bite out of crime! You hear that criminals? He’s going to bite that tax evasion. And he hates drugs.

Tootsie Pop Owl

So some stupid kid goes around asking random animals how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.  But the owl could only lick it like three times until he bites it. That’s not good for your teeth. Or beaks. Hey kid, who gives a fuck. And the number of licks varies from different people or owls. So why not just try it out for yourself.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima

Normally I don’t like vegetables besides Caesar salad, asparagus and Uncle Ben’s rice. You’d think Uncle Ben would be Asian because I thought they made it in Vietnam rice patties. I also love delicious Aunt Jamima syrup on my pancakes. And I know everyone is thinking hey did Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima ever hook up?

Snuggles Bear

Snuggles Bear is the mascot of Snuggles fabric softener. My mom does my laundry and I don’t even know what fabric softener does. I guess it makes your clothes softer? So I looked up Snuggle commercials on Youtube. They were a combination of real Snuggles commercials and parodies of Snuggles. And they are both creepy as fuck. “Oh these underwear are so, so, soft. Haha, this bra is so, so soft.”

Eminems

I love peanut M&Ms. I wonder if Eminem is supposed to mean M&Ms because his name is Marshall Matters. The commercials star with the smart red M&M and the dufus yellow peanut M&M.

And I love Smarties. I guess the different colors are for show and doesn’t taste differently like the color of Skittles. And I always wonder why in Skittle commercials the person eats the whole fucking bag of the Skittles in one swallow. And not choke.

Kool-Aid Punch Bowl

I love making Kool-Aid because it’s easy to make and has so many flavors to choose from. The key is to add a ton of sugar. This was a way to get a sugar high when you were too young to smoke weed.

The mascot is of course the giant Kool-Aid punch bowl that’s too damn big to use the door. So he decides to break through the fucking wall like he’s on PCP. And he says oh yeah like the Macho Man. I would love to spike him with some vodka.

Energizer Bunny

The Energizer Bunny is like taking a huge piss at the bar. It keeps going and going. But I was always a Duracell fan for some reason. I like that sound in the commercials. You know what I’m talking about.

So I spent the other day going through all of our batteries and separating them between new and used. What I did was put one new battery in my Gameboy Advance and then tested the rest of the batteries one by one. Some worked, some didn’t and some were just corroded.

I’ll never use those cheap ones I bought at the dollar store ever again. Even the Panasonic ones. Now I usually use the rechargeable batteries. And am I the only one who found that the batteries in Wii remotes get drained even if you haven’t used it in a while?

Domino Noid

I love pizza. Especially Dominos. And so does Chunk from the Goonies. But I never knew what the fuck a Noid is, nor what a Noid has to do with pizza. It appears to be some creepy dude in a red bunny suit. But I do remember playing Yo! Noid for Nintendo. I forgot the goal of the game but I do remember you could hop on a pogo stick.

Little Caesar

I have already written a blog about delivering pizza at Little Caesars. It was the most fun job ever. So they started the whole Hot N Ready and paid some kids to hold up signs by the street for years. I think everyone knows about it by now. The thing was I had to wait ten minutes one time so it wasn’t really ready. And sometimes it’s not hot at all. Now they skip out on the cheese, toppings and sauce and it tastes like bread.

Anyway the Caesar mascot is the cute Roman emperor. And not the blood thirsty Roman dictator. I don’t even know if the even had pizza back then. Haha, when in Rome.

Colonel Sanders

I love KFC. As you know Colonel Sanders is the lovable founder of KFC. I don’t know if he was an actual colonel in the army or it just sounded cool. He’s dead but his legacy, white suit and string tie lives on.

KFC is pretty much the only good thing to come out of Kentucky besides horse derbies, Johnny Depp the ladies man George Clooney.

Every year me and my folks drive to Florida and we must pass through Kentucky. What a bunch of rednecks. It’s pretty sad. Seriously you want to get a Big Mac in some shitty town made up of shitty trailers and one or two shitty churches. And shacks. My tool shed is bigger than some of them.  

Anyway I have been thinking of stealing the secret recipe and start my own fast food chain OFC; Ontario Fried Chicken.

Smoky Bear

Smoky the Bear is the talking bear ranger that keeps repeating that “only you can prevent forest fires.” I think he means that only people can prevent forest fires and not animals. “I’m a fucking bear; how the Hell can I prevent them?”

So make sure you put out your camp fire with water. And not piss; that’s disgusting.

It’s too bad that most wildfires occur in extremely dry weather and the wind spreads them out of control. “Look Smoky, I’m not a fireman so I can’t do shit all by preventing or stopping wildfires.”

Then there is Smoky Bong whose message is “only you can prevent crib fires.” So when you smoked your cigarettes or joints then please distinguish them in an ash tray. By the way I realize I talk about weed way too much. Its just that I really like it. That’s all.

Marlboro Man

The Marlboro Man was the classic rugged cowboy that smoked Marlboro cigarettes. Then he died of lung cancer. I don’t even know why people still smoke cigarettes, or try them in the first place when they know that they are so addictive and harmful.

What really pisses me off is when smokers get lung transplants that should go to other patients in need. So I think money from cigarettes sales should go to hospitals.

I can’t stress this enough, don’t try cigarettes. I don’t give a fuck if all your friends smoke and its part of their social life. Or that you only smoke while you drink. Again don’t ever fucking smoke. That’s the best advice I can give besides wearing sunscreen.

Camel Joe

Camel Joe is the cartoon camel mascot for Camel Cigarettes. Apparently since it’s a cartoon it makes kids want to smoke. So they had to can him.  You know what else is a cartoon? GIJOE. But watching GIJOE shouldn’t make kids want to go out a buy a laser gun.

Also I thought you need be to 18 or so to buy cigarettes. “Mom, I saw a cartoon camel that smoked, can you buy me some smokes?” “Only if you clean your room.” I guess they have to use a real camel, dress him up and stick a cigarette in his mouth. But then that would get PETA all over their asses.

Camel Toe

Finally here is the definition of a camel toe by Wikipedia.

“Camel toe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a human female's labia, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel.” Haha, they even showed some random chick’s camel toe.