I’ve Caught a Fish this Fucking Big!

This isn’t my greatest or funniest blog. It’s about fishing and unless you fish it’s kind of boring. But I already wrote it, so here it is anyway.

I’m not going to lie. I’m not the greatest fisherman. I can’t properly tie a good knot or I haven’t even caught that many fish in my lifetime. I caught a trout once. But it was at a trout farm and they would go after cigarette butts. It wasn’t even that delicious.

So you’re probably thinking, why would I take the advice from an amateur fisherman? Well I know some good advice and tips for rookie fishermen.

Fishing is like golf. The better you’re at golfing, the funner it is. I was at the driving range and this dude was clueless. He was lucky to even hit the ball in the air or more than twenty feet.

And he will never get any better unless he gets lessons. My game improved so much after like three lesson sessions. Some tips for golfers; keep you’re head down, make slow backswings and for the love of God don’t try to kill it.

The same goes for fishing. No amount of time fishing will make you any better. In fact, I used to spend more time setting my line up and everything than actual fishing.

I think there are three classes of fisherman. There are great fisherman. Like my buddy’s dad. He’s obsessed with fishing. He must own like thirty rods and makes his own lures. He has a huge northern pike on his mantle. It’s fucking sweet; I wish I had one too.

Then there are rookie fisherman who are completely clueless. They will be lucky to catch anything. Like a sunfish. The first fish I ever caught was a sunfish. Now they’re just a tease. And they have those spikes on their back and piss all over you when you’re trying to get the damn hook out.

Then there are amateurs like myself. We usually buy good fishing lures and equipment but we are lucky to catch anything big. But I do have some pointers. First off, shop around for places to buy tackle.

I find Wal-Mart and other big stores are expensive. In fact I hardly buy anything at Wal-Mart now. They used to be cheap but not so much anymore. For example, it’s cheaper to buy food at the grocery store. I rather buy videogames at the videogame store. I rather buy movies at Futureshop or the pawn shop. And I don’t buy clothes there, except the odd time for jeans and shoes.

I prefer to buy anything at dollar stores first. I have found the exact same thing there for two buck that is six bucks at Wal-Mart. I usually find fishing line, lures, fake worms, weights, swivels and hooks there. And they are pretty decent. I even bought a Rapala rod and reel at the bargain store for ten bucks. They cast far and are just as good as any. And I go to specialty fishing stores to buy every else.

Keep it simple. You don’t need some huge ass tackle box with a million lures and equipment. I’ve seen people who spent a fortune on all these different tackle and still catch nothing. Bring what you will most likely only use and store everything else in another tackle box just in case.

You only need to use a plain tackle box or tool box. And again, another tackle box for everything else you don’t really use at the moment. There’s no point in bringing excessive stuff. Just an ordinary box; no shelves or anything. I use it to keep everything I need except for sharp objects such as hooks or lures.

Then I use a plain clear box or injection box with sections to keep hooks and lures. Make sure it’s closes tight. One time my cheap ass container opened and everything fell out. It was a bitch to pick everything up. I lost so many small hooks in the grass and almost stabbed myself trying to pick them up. I like the ones where you can place different dividers to accommodate everything.

This is all what you really need. A cheap pair of scissors is a must. You can get one at the dollar store. Obviously you need to cut line. Like the extra line after you tie a knot. Or when you must cut the line when a fish swallows the hook and you can’t get it out. Or when you get snag it in a tree or bush that you can’t rip it off. It’s a lot easier than biting it.

You might want to bring a net but I unless I have someone else to use it I don’t bother. Next you need two pliers. I spent about ten bucks to get special ones at the fishing store. You want long narrow ones so when the fish swallows the hook deep down in its throat.

And you can get cheap ordinary ones at the dollar store to grab the hook firmly when it’s caught in the fish’s mouth. For example catfish mouths are a bitch to get the hook out. And while you are trying to help out the poor thing they try to sting you with those um, stingers. And you need them to open and close those Pacman weights.

Next you need weights. There are two different weights I use. The weights that I call Pacman weights. They’re the ones that look like balls and at the end that you can open and close them with pliers. You want to close them firmly so they don’t fall off but you can still slide them up or down to change depth. I’ll get back to that.

I also use long heavier weights with a ring at the top. This is when you want the weight at the bottom. I won’t attempt to explain it, just look up on Youtube to figure out how to set your line up with the weight at the bottom.

I usually use two ounces or so depending on how heavy you want it for optimal casting. I also use these weights when you put new line on the reel and you want to straighten it out and make it so it’s not so curly. Just spend some time casting on your lawn before you actually fish.

Then you need bobbers or floaters. There are two main types. There are the round ones that look like pokemon balls. They work, but I don’t recommend them. You really need the slip float ones so they float better and are easier for the fish to pull and tug down.

Then there are two types of slip float ones. The ones with the spring on them or the hollow ones. Normally you need a bobber stop for the hollow ones.

This is what I use instead and its so much simpler. Just feed the line through it and then put a Pacman weight below it. This way it stays in position but you can still easily adjust the depth by sliding the weight. I figured this out on my own and I swear by it.

Next I recommend swivel clips. There are two uses for these. You need them to for lures so they spin. And they’re much easier to try and change different hooks and lures by simply opening the clip.

Otherwise you spend more time tying good knots. Just look it up on Youtube to tie a knot to your swivel like a pro. You don’t want to lose a big fish when its isn’t properly tied. This happened to me a few times when I have a huge fucker and lose it. What a bitch.

Then there are the hooks. You want the right size. I used to think the bigger the hook, the bigger the fish. But not necessarily. A small hook can still get stuck in a fish’s mouth. If it’s too big it might scare the fish away. You want barbs to help snag it. Sure it’s harder to get the hook out but it’s worth it. Just don’t get a hook in your arm.

I looked up how to remove hooks from you’re arm. This guy demonstrated it by putting three hooks in his own damn arm and showing different methods. What balls. I don’t like fishing around other people. I like talking to them but I’m afraid I might get a hook in my eye or mouth when they fuck up a cast. Kind of like in There’s Something About Mary.

Then you can get the prepared hook with a short line with a loop at the end to tie it. Otherwise a plain hook has a small circle and it’s a bitch to feed the line through. So with the prepared hooks I store them in the container.

Otherwise with plain hooks I just use a clear pill box to put them in. It’s so much safer and easier to store and pull them out. Try to buy a variety of different sizes. Sometimes you want to try a triple hook too.

Then there are the lures. I bought some good ones for a buck at the dollar store that are like five bucks at Wal-Mart. They work but I don’t generally like them. With lures you have to reel in your line so they move and spin. I’ve tried putting bait on them too to double my odds. Again different lures work with different fish.

So this is my simple setup. First feed the line through the float. Then put on a Pacman weight below it with the pliers. Then pull enough line through so you can tie a swivel. .

If you can’t tie a fancy knot then just tie simple knots over and over again. Then cut excess line and clip on a hook.

And adjust the height of the float depending on how deep the water is. You want it about a foot off the bottom. Otherwise you’re hook lies at the bottom and is sometimes hidden in the weeds. And once you’re done, take the hook off the swivel.

Then there is the bait. Normally people buy worms. I’ve also heard people like finding them on the golf course at night. Here’s a trick my dad told me. Put a piece of wood on the lawn and the next day you might find some worms underneath. Because my dad will never let me dig in his garden.

They work but they are annoying to put on and they easily fall off.  They don’t last too long in the heat. And sometimes the fish just pick at it. Fake worms work too. I also recommend using that fish scent spray.

So here is my biggest tip for all fishermen. Use bacon. Bacon is cheap and you can buy it anywhere. It last forever and stays on the hook. I just keep it in a bag and store in the fridge or cellar for another time.

You want to make it into a ball and cover the hook so fish aren’t scared away. You don’t need too much either or they will nibble at it. And trust me fish go nuts over it. I usually reel in my line every ten minutes.

I got some rod holders. All you do is stick the holder deep into the ground. Then cast the line and put the rod in the holder. That way you can free your hands and do whatever you feel like. Like eat, drink, read a good novel or play angry birds.

I used to use two rods to double the odds. It’s a good thing I mentioned that to the clerk at the fishing store because you’re not allowed to use more than one rod in Canada. He said if you get caught they can seize your fishing stuff or even your car. Oh and you probably need a fishing license.

Now I know this happens to everyone. You’re reeling in your line and boom you think you have a huge fucker. But no, you have a snag or you’re pulling on some weeds. Here’s an obvious tip. Open the reel clip or whatever you call it and if you have a fish it would take the line.

I find you either catch a lot of fish or you don’t catch anything. It depends on if they’re biting or not. I find early morning or late at night the optimal time to fish. They like to hide in the weeds and shade. I also like cloudy days and still water.

Always bring a camera. You don’t know what you’re going to catch. You don’t want to land the biggest fish ever and have nobody around to believe you. “Sure Greg, you caught the mother of all catfish. Sure.” But I did catch the mother of all catfish. And it’s always good to have somebody around to take a picture of you. I’ve tried taking some selfies but they just don’t come out right.

Sometimes you catch things other than fish. I’ve accidently caught turtles a couple of times. Some were small enough to be able to get the hook out. One was larger and I just cut the line. I need my fingers to play Star Craft 2. Besides buddy told me it would eventually fall out.

Then I caught a seagull at the ponds near my home. A long time ago I’d go fishing for carp with a loaf of bread. What I’d do is throw chunks of bread onto the surface of the water to attract the fish. Then all I’d use is just a hook, put a piece of bread on it and then cast it among the other bread crumbs. Then eventually a carp will go for it.

So the carp were going nuts over it and then out of nowhere a seagull swooped down and just so happened to swallow my bread crumb. At the time I was scared shitless. But in retrospect it was pretty funny.

It was flying all over the place and giving me a good fight. My neighbor was walking his dog and came by and was like “what the fuck are you doing?!” Don’t worry, he helped me out and the seagull lived another day to eat people’s fries and be annoying.

Now I forget what you use, I think its Alka-Seltzer. And when you feed it to seagulls they explode. I’ve seen it on Youtube and as evil as it sounds it’s hilarious. When I was younger we tried anti-acids because seagulls have so much vinegar and shit in their stomach. They didn’t explode but they did swoop down for water.

The ducks are a problem too. They have become custom to people feeding them. So I’m in my favorite spot and soon the ducks come by. I tried throwing rocks near them to scare them away. They thought it was bread and went after it. So I moved and they followed me everywhere I went. And it ruined my day. But they’re so cute.