Bar Hopping

I want to dance!

I never liked dance clubs because the shitty music is too loud, the lines are too long and the drinks are too expensive. I know the bartenders are busy but the longer you make me wait the lesser your tip will be. If anything. Unless she s hot.

I know for sure the hotter the bartender the bigger the tip. Of course it’s not like she is going to give you a blow job behind the bar or anything for a big tip. I also hate when you leave a tip at the bar and they don’t see who left it. That’s why I just ask them to keep the change or give me back just some of it. I usually tip 20% because I’m nice.

I hate dancing. I have no clue what to do for an hours at a time. I mean I moving my arms around and trying to sway to the beat. My old roommate had style and he said he loved to dance. I told him because we like girls. You never hear guys say no chicks tonight, were are just going to dance. One famous Greg quote is when that first year roommate asked why I didn’t want to go the dance club and I said “sorry I don’t embrace the dance.” I think it was funnier if you were there.

 I have no game; I’m terrible at breaking the ice. I have no idea what to say to strangers. “So do you like Star Wars?” And I can’t pull off a pick up line. Half the time I keep saying “what.” I will say “what” three times and if I don’t hear someone on the third time, I say “ya okay.”  So why do girls like dancing so much? Do they actually enjoy just moving around and grinding men? Is this like some kind of kinky ancient tribal tradition where the female tries to seduce the man?

I love drinking beer and getting drunk with the boys. That’s why I love pubs and sitting down with a pitcher of cold beer. You actually get served and you don’t have to wait in a damn line and pay a cover. And you don’t have to try to get the bartender’s attention. You see they earn that tip by providing a service and not just opening a beer at a club. And you can actually talk to your friends. Unless they have that damn karaoke or shitty songs from the jukebox.

However I did karaoke way back when I was hammered and my friends put me up to it. I’m not sure who picked the song but I had to sing Phil Collins In the Air Tonight. Only I wasn’t singing. I was just yelling the lyrics. It was so bad the guy cut me off and I was like “what, what did I do? I’m not done.” There are a lot good catchy songs, take the Ghostbusters theme song. Everyone can sing to that. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!

I love picking shitty songs on the jukebox. I know I was the only Pink Floyd fan in the bar so I choose their greatest hits. I picked Sheep and Shine On You Crazy Diamond which are both over ten minutes long. And Wish You Were Here because its’ an awesome song. So the waitress turned it off and told me not to play any more bad songs. I asked for my toonie back.

I love playing pool drunk. Just like golf, I’m actually better drunk or at least buzzed. However I can’t break for some reason. Maybe it’s because I have a bad grip. But I never use the woman’s tool. Everyone has their own rules that you must agree upon too before the game. I don’t call scratches because I don’t think it’d your fault if you are hooked and you have to call your shot or else it’s the other player’s turn.

So I’m at a club with my brother and his friends and I want to shoot some pool because as I said earlier I hate dancing.  So I put my coins on the table and asked if the guy wants to play. Well he tells me he will play for five bucks. I clearly told him no and that I just want to play for fun. So he wins and demands his five bucks. I told him no. And he says “I will find you.” I wasn’t sure what that meant but I told him “I’m right here.”

So I go back to hang out with my brother and his two friends near the entrance. These are all big guys. And this little prick still wants the five bucks. My brother told me to just pay him. But I said “no, what are you going to do about it?” So the bouncer had enough and kicked the little shit head and his stupid friend out. Haha.

Now I usually go to Chicken in the Rough on Wednesday for cheap wings and meet up with the guys. Every time I’m at a bar I always ask for the cheapest beer, usually its Brava, the fake Corona.  I get honey garlic wings because I still find mild way too hot. I mean I will be sweating more than I usually sweat.

One time I was drunk and I almost walked out without paying. Good thing the waitress was a friend of the family. She won’t even let me tip her. And the other waitress is super hot. She could totally fuck up my order and I still won’t care. I was wondering if any places make you work off your dept if you can’t pay? Such as cleaning dishes and such.

Back at college there is a strip of bars on Richmond street. I love to bar hop there, I have had many good times and good memories. Ceeps is my favorite dive. It is a pub and has a small dance floor so you have the best of both worlds. The music is good and the chicks will come to dance and you can sit down at a table. However there is usually a long line because the place gets packed. So one time a bunch of us just rushed the door. And when I was stoned I almost gave my jacket to some random person thinking they were the coat check.

This is what I call the stupid hotdog story. One night me and my roommate were going to get a hot dog. The guy said two dollars. I made the comment that hot dogs are awesome when you’re drunk. And then he charges me three dollars. I was like you said two dollars. But I was hungry so I paid. And it got to me. Then I thought hey he works at a stupid hotdog stand, I will let him keep the extra dollar. It was an excellent hotdog though, it hit the spot.

We all have crazy drinking stories. My scariest one had to be when I was drinking with my soccer team and I completely blacked out. I didn’t remember a god damn thing. Apparently I had a good time. We went to two different bars, hit the strippers and then went to a house party. I wake up in my bed and it’s like it never happened. So asked if I said or did anything stupid or puked and they assured me I was fine. Never again. But history repeats itself. Cheers!