I’m back!
I just got back from Florida
Updating I Have Issues
Again I wasn’t able to write any blogs down there. So I hope to get back on track. Here is my third annual Florida Canada
Packing
Once again my mom packed way too much stuff. She even brought a dozen shoes for each occasion. Like her thanksgiving shoes, her walking shoes, her black shoes that match her black dress or even her rainy day shoes. And then she bought more while we were down there.
Leaving me with no room even though we have one of those bags on the back of the SUV. I brought four clubs and my fishing stuff. We even got my uncle to take our golf clubs back home. So my dad made me pack light. And then my mom made me bring more shit like two jeans and cargo pants. I end up wearing my pants for the ride there and back. And that’s it. God forbid I could always just buy jeans there.
The Duplex
This year we stayed at this new place. We would’ve gone to my aunt’s place but my mom had a small disagreement with her. At first I was kind of bummed out. I found out it was a semi attached home and far away from any stores or Mc Donald’s. But it was a blessing in disguise.
My aunt’s place was close to my other aunt and uncle’s place. And near to the McDonald’s and the Mall. But it was small and had bugs. I would have to go sleep on the on the shitty pull out bed. And me and my mom would have to hear my dad snore. Just the other day my mom got those white noise things.
The new place was huge. It costs more than my aunt’s place, but it was worth it. The kitchen was bigger than mine at home. It had three televisions. A television for each of us. And we didn’t have to steal our neighbors’ internet. The whole time we never even seen or hear our neighbors.
But I did try to open a locked house two doors down late at night. The guy answers and I apologized for waking him up at 11:00pm. I looked very sketchy. But everyone was very friendly there. The community looked very nice. And there were gates. I think they were only there for aesthetic purposes. The password was 1111 but maybe it wards off criminal idiots.
Everyone in the park pays a fee for the upkeep of the park. They were all Mexican but someone has to do it. They did a great job. Too bad they were constructing a McDonald’s right across the park but it wouldn’t be open till a few months.
We stayed in Vero Beach
Then there are million dollar houses on the ocean. I’m not the jealous type but I would love to live their lifestyle. All you do is sip Corona
The Hat
I was shopping at the mall wearing my favorite red hat. It’s 100% polyester so it doesn’t leave sweat marks. I don’t know how many white hats I have gone through with yellow stains. So I was at Bells trying on clothes. I took off my hat and put it on a hook in the change room. None of the shirts fit. I get home and freak out when I realize I left it at the mall. It was a far ways. We head back and I spot it in the change room. Ya! I guess people thought it was just another item in the store.
A few days later I’m going for a bike ride to the brand new bagel store. It was very windy that day and I was going against the wind. I’m about to cross the busiest intersection in town when my hat flew off my head. I drop my bike on the ground and tried to grab it. It flies into the center of the damn street and I’m thinking this doesn’t look good. Well it got run over a couple times and I decided fuck it. And then I realize I broke the basket on the bike that I dropped. I actually said to myself what else could happen? It came pretty close to raining.
The Flea Market
We went to the flea market just for me. But my dad doesn’t want to shop with these lowlifes and white trash. He’s too classy, so he sleeps in the SUV. We are supposed to meet at the SUV in an hour. It wasn’t enough time. I spent most of it looking at all of these cheap movies and rare video games.
After an hour I forget where he parked the vehicle. I finally find it and tell my dad about all of these movies and westerns. I was supposed to wait at the vehicle for my mom but I gave my dad shitty directions to the shop. My mom comes along so I had to find my dad. I get lost trying to find my dad and then I get back and my mom is trying to find me. He is pissed off and we wait a good twenty minutes for my mom. But I did find How to Train a Dragon and the Incredibles. Sweet movies.
The Beach
We decide to hit the beach one sunny day. There were a lot hot chicks. And there were a lot of ugly chicks. I even saw these old people using metal detectors. Seriously what do they expect to find? Are they looking for Longbeards lost treasure? I hate to break it to them but you’re never going to find any gold doubloons washed up to shore. I would love to burry some metal coins in the sand and see what happens.
Suntans
I’m lucky because I am naturally dark. I never quite felt white when I was younger, even though I’m part British, part Belgian. I have a golden tan all year long. I understand getting a nice tan. But unless you’re going to keep it up, what is the point of it? And if you go to tanning salons you might come out looking orange.
So I’m at the pool looking good for the old ladies and I notice this older woman tans everyday. True she is dark. But her skin and body are all wrinkling and gross. She looks way too old for her age and I’m thinking why does she do this to herself? Doesn’t she notice how this makes her look? And doesn’t she realize she could get skin cancer?
Saltwater Fishing
Saltwater fishing is awesome because you can potentially catch anything. I brought all of my fishing tackle with me. And I realize I have all of this useless lures that I’m never going to use. Like these useless bobbers, useless flies, useless weights and useless whatever. I ended up getting my dad to tie the hook a few inches above the weight for me. This way its deep enough for fish but you don’t get snags.
My dad is sleeping while I fish. I’m having a good time until my dad tells me to pack everything and hurry up. He tells me the fishing police or whatever you call them is inspecting everyone. I don’t have a fishing license. So I go around the bend and ran to our car. What a relief, they fine you like $200. So the next day we go to Wal-Mart to get a license and the guy is clueless. He spent like twenty minutes until we got his manager to print it.
I caught a ton of fish. Probably two dozen blowfish. The first one I caught was awesome. I thought they were poisonous. Nope. They got annoying after a while but buddy taught me how to cut them up and use them as bait. And it worked. I also bought some shrimp but they kept falling off the damn hook. So you never know if it is still on the hook. And we got a cast net to catch small fish to use as bait.
The coolest part is when I saw a manatee a few feet from me. Awesome. I tell buddy to come look but he says they’re all over here and he has seen them plenty of times. And they are friendly.
The Thief
We were at Home Depot getting my dad this nice Christmas reef. It was the floor model so we got it cheaper. We are waiting for the guy to get it down and we see this girl go through those alarm gates. It goes off and she runs. Haha. Then two workers chase after her and bring her inside. They were telling her not to make it harder on herself. I laughed but I felt kind of sorry for her. But we never found out what she stole and why at Home Depot. Normally people steal small and or electronic merchandise. And why? Didn’t it occur to her that the gates might go off?
Poker
In my community me and a bunch of other retirees played poker three nights a week. Too bad one of them died. Very sad. On Mondays and Wednesdays dealer chooses the game. But I kept forgetting how to play these weird games and kept asking how many cards we get and whatnot.
I only knew how to deal Texas Queens . And on Friday we only played good old Texas
The Shoes
I do a lot of walking all over town while listening to my Ipod. A lot of people see me and wonder where I’m going everyday. Well each day I have a mission or a destination. For example a mission might be to get a McFlurry at McDonalds. Or to get stoned and hit the animal farm.
Naturally I go through a ton of shoes. I purchased some cool and comfortable shoes at Wal-Mart for $25. Not too shabby. But I wore them out in three months. It was getting to the point that there was a hole forming in the heel and my socks were getting dirty. So I needed a new pair and thought I’d get some in Florida
I hit the outlet mall for some good deals. I saw some cool looking shoes at a Reebok store. And I find out that I get a second pair of shoes for half off. The shoes were my size but I get home and they’re way too narrow in the end. The shoes were rubbing against toes. I thought I’d exchange them for the next larger size. And again they were too tight in the end.
My dad is totally pissed off. Good thing I returned them for cash. Then I hit another shoe store. At first they fit well. I spent a good thirty minutes trying them on. But then a few days later the shoes were rubbing against my heel this time. And I’m like fuck me. I’m stuck with them until they are completely worn out.
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is huge in the States. As far as I know Americans celebrate having turkey dinner between the settlers and kind Natives. Then the pilgrims took their land away and put them on shitty reserves. Maybe casinos if they are lucky.
I was at my uncle’s place for Thanksgiving. The community was holding a banquet for only five bucks each at the clubhouse. Our table was the first to get served first. The food was excellent. They also had pecan pie and pumpkin pie for dessert. It was so good I ordered two of each. Then the guy asked everyone to only have one slice. I could hardly eat my last slice and my mom wasn’t too thrilled.
The best part is my raffle number was called out and I won $25. I was excited. I was already thinking of what video game to buy. But then I had to pay my mom back. That’s no fun.
Black Friday
Then there is Black Friday. I have seen people camping out in front of stores for a few days to be first in line and get dibs on microwaves. Wouldn’t be easier just to get a job and buy whatever you really need at full price?
I want to know who decided to hold this massive sale right after Thanksgiving. It kind of takes away from the holiday. But every store has to do it. And each year they open sooner and sooner. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving people raid the stores and fight with each other over televisions. Just check out Youtube. One bitch actually used mace on other customers. Haha.
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