Titanic

Spoiler! The Titanic hits an iceberg and sinks.

How ironic, the very same ship that was supposed to be unsinkable. Kind of like Jesus walking on water.

I have known all about the Titanic long before the movie came out in 2007. Actually there is an old black and white movie about Titanic too. It’s not that bad.

Its funny, my friend Stics and this other kid both did speeches on Titanic. It’s too bad the kid plagiarized his whole speech because they both clearly read the same book.

The movie Titanic stars Leo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane and that crazy fat chick from Misery. I like Leo because he’s always in good movies such as Basketball Diaries and the Beach. Kate is smoking hot. Zane is a badass.

But whatever you do, don’t drive through any winter storms and watch out for nurses that will break your legs, burn your novel and make you write another one all over again.

Even if you haven’t seen it, you should know two scenes. The one where Leo is at the front of the ship and says “I’m the king of the world.” Or there is the end where Leo and Kate hold on to the ship till it sinks. These two scenes are in so many damn movies its not even funny anymore.

The budget was the highest in film history at the time. I think it cost like 200 million but don’t worry it wasn’t another Water World flop. It grossed over a billion.

For a chick flick, Titanic is one fucking cool movie. And I’ll admit I kind of like Celine Dion’s song “My Heart Will Go On.” Wait; scratch that. Every time I hear that song I too long for romance. But alas I live in my parents’ basement and smoke weed. Who could love me?

The best part is you get to see Kate Winslet naked. Hotty! I think that was for all of the guys who got dragged into the theater by their wives or girlfriends.

Anyway the movie begins in present day where this team of expeditioners are out in the ocean searching for the “Heart of the Ocean.”  They find the safe where the diamond should be, but they are shit out of luck. All they find are some nudy pictures and monopoly money.

Apparently this necklace was worn by some king. I think it was King Leo. It looks like one huge fucking diamond. I assume they used cubic zirconium in the movie.

So there is some old senile women who heard about these guys on television and she meets the team on their boat. She is like a hundred years old and claims to be this rich hotty on the ship who was painted nude with the diamond around her neck. “Wasn’t I a dish?” So the movie took to place in 1997 and the old lady would be dead or oldest person ever.

She then tells her story about the Titanic. It’s kind of like film Aladdin. Leo is a street rat and Kate is some rich bitch. And she feels trapped. Leo and his friend win a poker hand and win a ticket on the Titanic. And Leo says he is the luckiest guy. How ironic.

Kate can’t stand the pain any longer and is about to jump off the ship. What a brat. Is your life of luxury too much for you? So what if she is getting married to someone she doesn’t love. I mean Zane is a hunk. Wait scratch that. And think of all of the bad marriages there are.

It just so happens that Leo spots her on edge of the ship about to jump off and he tells her how freezing the water would be. Like your coldest shower ever. Apparently with hundreds of passengers, there was nobody else on the deck to witness this.

Leo saves her. And she saves her from herself. They fall deeply in love. I too wish to I know what love is. Leo paints a nude picture of her. Kate says her heart was beating like crazy and it was the most erotic moment of her life. “At the time.” You hoar. They run away from Zane and his lackey and they fuck in a car. How romantic.

So the rich guy wants to make headlines again, this time for the speed of Titanic. Well he did make headlines. As you know dipshit lookout watchman didn’t have the damn binoculars for some retarded reason and didn’t see the iceberg. And it was just the tip of the iceberg. Whoops.

Obviously the coolest part of the movie is when the ship is about to sink. It’s a very surreal atmosphere. They don’t have enough life boats because the deck seemed crowed and any nearby boats think they’re just partying.

So it’s women and children first. Meaning the men are fucked. There was one douche that got onto the boat. How could you live with yourself? I would just get hammered and maybe O.D. before I freeze to death or drown.

And do you really need men steering the life boats? “Don’t worry, I will volunteer to steer the life boat but I need the assistance of my friend here.”

The ship is starting to break apart and it’s a mad scramble. And as you know, to calm down everyone the band played on. I don’t know who was in the band. Maybe vocals, drums, piano and trumpets. And the best part is when the ship is tilting and people are falling down hitting everything like human plinkos.

Again, Leo and Kate hold on to the very end and then plunge into the freezing cold water. Too bad Leo can’t find a piece of wood big enough for both of them. Thanks bitch, had you got onto the lifeboat he would be still alive. Leo dies but Kate is rescued.

And earlier Zane gave her his trench coat, with the Heart of the Ocean in the pockets. Wait a second, if old Kate was narrating the story, then wouldn’t she tell them about the Heart of the Ocean? Or do she not give away all of the details?

So we see how her life turned out in America. “A women’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets.” Then she tosses the Heart of the Ocean over the ship. Whoops. She had the Heart of the Ocean all along. Thanks bitch, you could have sold it or at least tell them they are wasting their fucking time and money. I hope she is on another ship that sinks.