Fairy Tales: Part Three

The Ant and Grasshopper

So there is a grasshopper and an ant. I don’t know if there are other bugs but it’s just a story. So the ant is busy preparing for winter. I guess this story doesn’t apply in warmer places like Hawaii where it has summertime weather all year round.

The grasshopper on the other hand is living it up for summer; partying and getting laid. But comes winter and the grasshopper is starving while the ant is chilling with some hot coco.  I hope the ant feels sorry for the grasshopper and makes him his servant.

My problem is these are two extremes. On one hand you have to smell the roses and live for the moment and enjoy summer. But you have to balance and find time to prepare for the future.

It’s the same thing when people get a cash advance because they want to buy liquor even though they waste $20 each time they do it.  Can’t they just stay sober and wait a week? Or do they have to get their booze right away?

The moral of the story is that ants are annoying fuckers when inside. And grasshoppers are loud and obnoxious outside.

The End.

The Pied Piper

I don’t know what a pied piper is? But whatever. So this town has a rat infestation and the mayor is looking for pest control. So this Pied Piper is called for the job and is paid to remove these varmints.

He uses his magical flute, I mean pipe, and the rats follow him in a trance into the lake where they drowned. But the mayor doesn’t owe up and pay up the full amount they agreed upon. Pied is piped and vows revenge.

Years later all of the adults attend church on St. Greg’s Day, or some other dumb festival. And the kids don’t have to go? I’m so jealous. I hated going to church and hearing about the prodigal son over and over again.  Pipe lures all of the children with the same magical pipe and they are never seen again.

Come on, every adult is in church while the kids just play and roam outside without any adult supervision. And doesn’t he seem like a pedophile? If I had my own piper I would get all of the hottest chicks to follow me into a hotel. Put that in your piper and smoke it.

The moral of the story always get Billy the exterminator to do all of your pest control.

The End

Rapunzel

There is a couple who want babies. They wander around some sorceress’s garden and come upon some rapunzel plant. Being pregnant, she craves this plant. She just had to eat it. And she also craved those donuts with sprinkles, popcorn with loads of butter and cheese wiz on celery.

So her husband is caught in her garden stealing the plant and the sorceress had to kill him. I think she overreacted. He pleads for his life and the bitch decides to let him go as long as he gives up his first born child. What a dick. Baby comes along and sorceress wants it. She names her Rapunzel after the plant. Rapunzel grows into a total hotty with very long, long, long blond hair.

It’s funny; my boss at Little Caesars had hair down below her waist. No lying. She obviously dyed her hair blond and you could see her grey roots. But she hated when people asked about her hair.

She was cool though. Everybody assumed I smoke pot, so one day she says we should smoke some marijuana. At first I thought she was joking, so I asked if she was serious. Let’s just say we had a ball.

Being surrounded by pizza it was the best place to get the munchies. Then I got lost on one delivery though and it took me a good half hour to find the place. I still got a tip but I decided to take a breather and call it a night. South Park was on.

So the sorceress kept her on the top floor of a tower with only one window. Not being able to go to the barber she grew her hair right down to the ground. That must have taken a while to grow. And a lot of shampoo. She could definitely donate her to cancer patients. Or transvestites.

Now the sorceress could climb up her hair and feed her. Probably a happy meal. And once again some random prince overhears her singing. He loves her singing and assume she’s hot. So he decides to hit on her. One day while the sorceress is doing some errands and picking up milk, the prince climbs her hair up the tower. And hopes her scalp isn’t ripped off from her head.

He’s caught by the sorceress. And decides that if he can’t see her, he won’t see anything at all. So he jumps into some shit and blinds himself. And he does this all over some chick. That’s not love. That’s creepy. So he wanders around the place not knowing where the fuck he’s going and just so happens to hear Rapunzel again.

She now has twins. But the story doesn’t really mention who got her knocked up. Anyway the blind prince loves her singing and they are reunited. He says she should go on the Voice. They hug and her tear gives back his sight. He leads his Rapunzel and her bastard children into the castle and they lived happily ever after. She finally cuts her hair.

The moral of the story is that she also grew a lot hair on other parts of her body. The rug matched the drapes.

The End

Beauty and the Beast

I love smoking weed and watching Disney Movies. But I have never seen Beauty and or the Beast. It sounds like huge fucking chick flick for little girls. And I’m not going to rent or buy it without feeling ashamed. 

Once I bought a chick flick for my mom and told the guy it was for her birthday. And he says we don’t judge here. It was Catch and Release. I heard good things. Anyway I decided to look up Wiki and read the summary.

But I still know some parts from the Disney movie. Like I know all of the cutlery and inanimate things can talk. I guess they keep the lonely beast company. Or he’s lost his fucking mind. Imagine he dropped Chip. That would be hilarious and his mom the pitcher would freak out. “Oh my beautiful little tea cup.” “I’m still alive. Please just kill me.”

Apparently there is a rich merchant (my last name) with three beautiful daughters. The two oldest ones are cunts but Belle is pure as snow. Fun fact Belle is beautiful in French.

The merchant loses his ships in some storm. Stuff happens. But alas one of his ships finally did make it. Thinking he’s rich again he asked his daughters what kind of gifts they would like. That’s nice. Naturally the two bitches want jewels, garments and treasures. And don’t forget the Faberge eggs.

And Belle just asks for a “rose, as none grow in their part of the country.” What a bitch. She could just asks for any rose. Or something nice, like a watch. Or he could lie and just pick any ordinary rose. She can’t tell.

Does she know how hard it would be to travel to other parts of the country searching for roses? And then coming back while they are still in bloom? What kind of scavenger hunt is this?

“Belle, I rode a damn horse a 100 miles to the west side of this stupid country and went looking for roses in people’s gardens like an idiot. All I could find was some dandelions.” “Oh dad, I would have accepted any gift. It’s the thought that counts.” “A 100 fucking miles you bitch. Do you know how far that is?” “Um a 100 miles.” “Bitch.”

So the merchant get’s lost in woods like he’s Link. You’d think he’d return the way he came or not go through any forests to begin with. He’s lost and it’s getting dark out, but he finds this palace. He decides to eat this food he found. It was from the beast. So merch actually finds a rose and picks it. Beastie is pissed over a single rose and decides to kill him for. I think he overacted.

Merch tells him it’s for his beautiful daughter. Beastly is enticed. They make a deal; for letting the merchant go; his daughter must stay with him. Belle agrees to go to live with this hideous creature. On the bright side he lavishes her with gifts and riches. And shoes! She even has a walk-in closet.

But each day the mutant keeps proposing to her and each time he gets shot down. Too bad the beast doesn’t know she’s only sixteen. Hey Beasts, I think you should just give up the whole marriage thing. It’s not going to happen. Go jerk off to nature shows about wildebeests. She wants a real prince. Editor’s note: I always thought wildebeests was spelled wilderbeasts.

Belle gets homesick and asks the freak to make a deal so she can visit her family for a week. Her sisters are jealous and I bet they’re not married. So they trick Belle to stay an extra day. Beast is heart broken, even for one single extra day. Whatever. Belle she’s seems him half dead or O.D. and says she loves him and a teardrop hits the monster and booya he transforms into a prince. Again with the tears.

Now a prince, he tells Belle that a long time ago a “fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken.” Right. The get hitched and live happily ever after together.

The moral of the story is that girls are shallow and want to marry princes. And you should always let fairies inside when it’s raining or cold. Or for tea.

Then End.