Japan

I Think I’m Turning Japanese

I love Japanese culture and I love big cities. And the Japanese love America. I hope that includes Canada. Cool flag by the way. So here is my roast of the Rising Sun.

I’d travel to Japan but I’m scared of going alone and getting lost. But there’s bound to be Japanese people that speak English.

“Do you know where a pay phone is? I am Canadian?” “Canadian, yes, yes. No phone. Only cell phone.” “Can I borrow yours?” “No, no. Charge long distance.” “Then where is the embassy?” “Embassy. Yes, yes. Go down Nigodaya and turn left at Nidogaya and follow Nidogaya to Nigodada.”

So I wish I could speak and write in Japanese. And I wish my friends could too. How cool would it be to talk Japanese with other people around and they have clue what we are talking about. You could be making fun of the fat chick or the dude with the stupid hat. But alas I missed my window of opportunity and I am too damn old to learn another language.

And Japanese script is so confusing. One little scribble could mean an entirely new letter or word or syllable. They all look the same to me. I can hardly even write in English now since I pretty much only type on my computer and I only really need it when I’m writing my signature or jotting down someone’s name and number.

Then there are Japanese tattoos. I don’t like tattoos in general. I don’t think we should deface our body with permanent pictures and words like we are living canvas. It’s one thing to have a cool tattoo. My brother has some cool ones. But there are many shitty ones. One kid I play hockey with has all of this random shit on his body.

I think Japanese and Chinese words look cool. After all their language is like an art. Just make sure you know the translation before hand. I have heard of people getting the wrong translation.

On the show a 1,000 Ways to Die, the tattoo artist was supposed to write “warrior” or something but ended up being “douche bag’ or something. Dude is pissed and chases the guy but the guy gets killed before the guy was able to kill hm. I forget how.

My mom likes to buy Canadian because we should support our economy. But I only trust Japanese electronics. I don’t even know if we export or even have any Canadian electronics at all. When’s the last time you have opened up a Blue-ray player made in Canada? I mean we are only known for loggers, syrup, hockey and sadly Justin Bieber.

Japan is the home to Nintendo, the greatest video company there ever was. It’s actually means “leave luck to heaven” in Japanese. But alas, Sony and Microsoft are taking over the pies. I used to pick every Nintendo console but I think I’m going to go with an Xbox One this time. And then maybe buy a Wii U later.

Do you remember Yoshi? I think the lovable dinosaur was called Yoshi because it is a very common last name in Japan. Just read the credits at the end of the game. I love walking around eating things. Too bad he’s chickenshit in Haunted Houses and Dungeons. And red Yoshi sucks. Then you beat Special Land (haha, sounds like a magical place for retards, haha) and now the turtles turn into Mario heads. It ruins it and looks stupid. So I don’t ever finish it.

My roommate JP introduced me to Anime. I thought anime was gay. It seems a lot of anime feature mainly white people. The character’s eyes and mouths are just slightly too big. And their emotions are erratic. One moment they are super joyful and then they are totally pissed. Like when it’s their the time of the month or they are on blow.

There’s Sailor Moon who is “fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight.” She is accompanied her friends like Sailor Venus and Sail Pluto to kill all of these magical and evil enemies. They wear really; really short skirts and they have nice asses and creamy white thighs.

I don’t know if it’s creepy that it turns me on. I’m joking; too bad they don’t get any older and they are of age. It reminds me of Brittany Spears first video “Beat Me” when she was wearing school uniforms with same haircut and ribbons as Sailor Moon. And she was still smoking hot. I admit I do have a fetish of Japanese women with big boobs in short skirts.

You can tell Sailor Moon’s friends apart by their haircut. Sailor Moon should especially get a hair cut. It’s so damn long that she might trip on it. And she could donate it to cancer patients. It’s either in Japanese with the shitty translation on the bottom or in English with just terrible voice actors. Whoever is the voice of Sailor Moon doesn’t even sound like a teenage girl.

Then there is Dragon Ball Z. I’ll admit I’m not giving it a chance. I met this dude way back saying how he was so into Dragon Ball and how awesome it is. I called him a dork. And never saw him again. I wonder where he is now. So just now I’m watching it on Youtube and they won the award of gayest theme song. And trust me; there are a million gay songs.

First off every guy must hit the gym and use the steroids because they are all in excellent shape. Plus I’d like to know which shampoo they use. The hair stays nice and spiked when they fight. I do love the sound effects. That would be cool to have.

I’m watching it and wondering what the fuck is going on? One episode was twenty minutes. Most of that twenty minutes is a showdown between the good and evil guys. Only they were talking about all of this level crap and final forms and shit.

Then they fly into each other. They punch and kick each other for a solid minute and then it ends. And you have to wait for the next damn episode hoping you’ll see the outcome of this epic battle. Then that enemy returns to get revenge. Now with a whopping level 12!

But there is a ton of cool and serious anime out there. And you don’t notice the subtext after a while. Too bad I lost a few series when my external drive crashed. And I forgot the titles of the series. One was Elfen Lied. A real cool, dark and very violent anime series. Check it out.

Sumo wrestling is Japan’s national sport. I think it started when people thought “hey, you know what would be funny? Getting those two fat guys over there to push each other out of this circle.”

The cool thing about being a sumo is that you can eat whatever you want and how much you want. Like a whole pig with a stick of butter. In fact some have to eat even more to get the edge. What I wonder is, do sumo’s get the ladies? Of course they would be on the bottom or they might be suffocate the poor dear.

Baseball is becoming huge in Japan. The most boring sport there is. Nothing new or exciting ever happens. “Oh, he got a home run again. Oh he caught a ball that was going over the wall.” The only way I’d watch a baseball game is if I have enough beer to drink and those big pretzels.

My buddy Wilson introduced me to sushi. At first I didn’t care for it, but it grew on me. Now I love it and I love going to whatever Chinese restaurant there is. Too bad I can’t hold chopsticks. I don’t know why Asian people use them instead of a knife and fork. I mean they can’t just eat soup without a spoon or cut a steak with a stick of wood. But they are probably easy to wash.

I told this before, but it’s funny. Me and JP went to all you can eat sushi restaurant in London. You get a list or menu and mark down what you want. The catch is if you can’t eat it all, then you have pay for it. It’s makes sense so people won’t order too much and waste it. So we ate our first order and it was delicious. So delicious we ordered again. Soon I couldn’t look at it anymore but I forced it down my throat to save a few bucks. Then three hours later I was hungry again. Go figure.