The Amish

Something Amish

You have no idea how dependent we are on electricity. Especially for me. I could not go on without my video games, television or blender. I can’t even stand a power outage for a few hours. Every time it happens I keep forgetting I can’t turn on the lights. And we can’t find the flashlight without the flashlight. I guess it’s a catch 22.

Then there are outages that last for days. I’d go insane. First off you would lose all of your frozen food. Goodbye Klondike bars and McCain pizza pockets. You wouldn’t have any television or Nintendo. And I don’t read by candle light. Haha I guess you would have to entertain your family with stories or Jenga. Now imagine that power outage lasts forever!

That’s the life of an Amish. As you know the Amish are big losers that resist any kind of modern technology.  They shun the use automobiles, phones and electricity. That means no cars. Maybe a beaver wagon. So they use a horse and or carriage.

How annoying would that be not to call a friend or my phone sex operator? If it wasn’t for Cindy I’d be lonely on those cold Saturday nights.  You don’t have any damn cars so you would have to ride a horse to your friend’s place to see if they can play tag or look at Sears’ summer catalogs. “Man, look at her leg.”

Now I’m probably the only person in Canada that doesn’t have a cell phone. But I can still use a pay phone or just use someone else’s. I think I can spend fifty bucks a month on more important things. Like Big Macs. I can’t even text. Those small ass buttons are too small for me even though I have tiny hands. But big feet.

As you know the Amish are majorly religious. I guess they like to serve the Lord by living a simple life. And that means no high school for these kids. Great idea, do you want to raise a barn the rest of your life?

Speaking of kids, the Amish marry only other Amish. I think. That means there is a small gene pool and because of this they have a much higher rate of birth defects and stupid people. Even marrying third or fourth cousins sounds very disturbing.

I don’t know if they pay taxes or what? I mean do they just live off the land? I’m hoping they can still use the mail.  I do like mennonite furniture and fresh produce. And what do they do in the winter?

You can spot Amish men from their long rugged unkempt beard. I guess Gillette mach four is too technological. I just hope the women shave. Otherwise that’s pretty disgusting. They have simple clothes with suspenders and stupid top hats. And the Amish ladies still wear those long plain dresses and those hat thingies they wear. Just like the pilgrims.

I’ve seen them at Wal-Mart but I don’t know how they travelled there. I hope they don’t hog the damn highway with their slow ass carriage. The kids looked like they were in Disney World. I have never seen such happy and excited kids. But its kid of sad that the their highlight of the year is being in Wal-Mart getting a Big Mac and looking at some great non-technological deals.