The End of the World is Coming

Prologue

It’s finally here. The massive Armageddon blog. No Christians or believers. Read at your own risk.

If you could ask God one thing, what would it be? Normally people might ask why are we here or what is the point of life? Or who really killed Nicole Brown and Ronald Lyle Goldman.

My question would be, if God created everything and is all knowing, then why did He create the Devil in the first place. That’s right, if God created everything, then He created the Devil and He knew the Devil would become evil. Checkmate.

I’m an idiot. I know that. But there are so many smarter people that believe in God and everything. I find it wishful thinking. People are hoping that there is this God looking after them and they will go to Heaven when they die. They don’t want to really think for themselves.

Its nuts. Imagine your mom stated praising Zeus and the Greek gods. And she would sacrifice goats, believe in monsters with dozen of eyes and other nonsense. That’s how I feel about Christians and other religions.

And wait, they actually do sacrifice goats, believe in monsters with dozen eyes and other nonsense.

Anyway, I always hear that the end is coming soon. Everyone thinks that with so much war and destruction going on, the end will come in their lifetime. And that we will face God our maker and be judged and whatever.

I wish God could give us a date or heads up on when the world ends. I’ll admit, it’s brilliant because again everyone would be on their toes and always think that the end is near.

I think everyone should relax. The end of the world will happen when the Sun dies in about five billion years or so. That’s a long fucking time. There is the distinct possibility that human race will find a way to live on. Who knows?

Most of my friends believe God, Heaven, Hell and everything that comes with the territory. But have you actually read the bible? I don’t know if Christians don’t want to out of boredom or because they might read something they don’t like. Because there is a shitload of fucked up shit in there.

The more I know about the bible and religion, the more I feel that it is so messed up. Had my mom not been so hardcore religious than I might have still believed in all of it. Because my mom has been right about pretty much everything else growing up. By the way I hate when she thanks the Lord for a good parking spot.

Funny story though about my mom’s car. The passenger side window would work and the driver could raise and lower it. But the passenger couldn’t. And no, there is no child lock. So we went to the garage and the warranty expired a month ago. So we decided just to leave it. Then I forgot about it and tried to lower the window to get some wind and it somehow miraculously worked. And my mom thanked the Lord. True story. I’ll admit, it was uncanny. But still a huge coincidence and not a miracle.

So I have been reading verses of Revelations and had a good laugh. It’s so contrived and ridiculous. But it’s in the bible, so it has to be right. Right? Otherwise the integrity of other parts of the Bible might also collapse too. I mean you can’t just pick and choose which parts are be taking literally and not literally.

I said this before but Noah’s Arc never happened. It’s impossible for one man to travel all over the world and gather two of every animal and bring them back to this huge boat that he built himself. Then he would have to feed them and make sure they don’t kill each other for weeks on end. I would love for him to catch two crocodiles, two anacondas and two lions. Or even insects. Check mate.

You’re just stupid and crazy if you do believe that. So if it’s supposed to not be taken literally than why is it in the Bible? What is the moral or point of this story? That God is an evil dick that drowns little kids? It would have been much easier if he just gave the human race some disease for evil people.

I also wrote about my favorite part of the Bible, Geneses, and a long time ago. It’s completely made up. Back then people didn’t know that the Universe is fucking massive and that it has been around for billions and billions of years. And that the world and us people are just incredibly insignificant. We are like ants. And nobody gives a shit about ants. Especially one ant. That’s you.

So it took him like a day to make billions and billions of stars and the whole damn Universe but a few days to make animals and such. And he took Sunday off so he can relax and watch football. And now we can’t go to Wal-Mart on Sundays.

The reason I wrote this, is if the world is so wonderful, then why does he want to destroy it? Of course it only took him six days to create it, I’m sure he could create another one in a week. With Ewoks. Secondly, if He destroys the Universe, then where is this allusive Heaven?

Again I already wrote about Heaven but where the Hell is it? If Jesus rose from the dead then is it up in the clouds? Because we’d see it by now and it would be way overcrowded.  So where in the Universe is Heaven? We have telescopes that can see galaxies millions of light years away. I’d think we would eventually see it. I seriously like to know more about Heaven.

If it is out there in the Universe would it have to obey the same physical laws as everywhere else? Think about that. I don’t even know if it’s on a planet or nexus or what? If it is on planet than would it need a sun. And if there is a sun, then that sun will die and so would Heaven. But Heaven lives on forever.

My theory is if there was a Heaven, than it would be in another dimension.

Armageddon

Anyway I’m paraphrasing and summarizing the following paragraph from Wiki encyclopedia about Armageddon:

So Armageddon is when the Messiah will return to Earth and defeat the Anti-Christ or Satan in the battle of Armageddon. Then the Devil will be put into the bottomless pit or abyss for a thousand years.  Once he’s escapes he summons his evil friends and surround Jerusalem. Then God will shoot fire down from Heaven and defeat the Devil’s henchman and be thrown into some burning lake of fire. With brimstone.

Hmm. So why doesn’t God get off His mighty ass and defeat the Devil now? What is He waiting for? Secondly there is no such thing as bottomless pits. Except in Star Wars. And why not leave the Devil there forever? And thirdly where is this burning lake of fire? With brimstone.

So if you don’t believe me about how messed up the bible is, here are some fucked up passages from Revelations in the Good Book.

Isaiah 13:6

“Wail, for the day of the Lord is near; as destruction from the Almighty it will come!’

First off I’m a man and I don’t cry or wail. Unless I get hit in the junk with a golf ball. That would hurt. But I used to cry a lot as a kid. Like when my hamster died or when they cancelled the Golden Girls.

So God is going to destroy everything eventually. Um would it be too much to ask when exactly this destruction occurs? That way I would spend all of my money on drugs and hookers.

Revelations 1:9-11
“I, John, your brother and partner in the tribulation and the kingdom and the patient endurance that are in Jesus, was on the island called Patmos on account of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus. ¹⁰ I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet ¹¹ saying, “Write what you see in a book and send it to the seven churches, to Ephesus and to Smyrna and to Pergamum and to Thyatira and to Sardis and to Philadelphia and to Laodicea.”

I think John made it all up. If someone today said they saw Jesus or angels, we would probably think they’re nuts. And he talks about trumpets a lot. But it would be cool to hear trumpets whenever I step outside.

Revelations 2: 18

“And to the angel of the church in Thyatira write: ‘The words of the Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and whose feet are like burnished bronze.”

I always pictured Jesus having hazel eyes. And normal feet.

Revelations 3:1

“And to the angel of the church in Sardis write: ‘The words of him who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars.”

Um, I thought there was only one spirit. The Holy Spirit. And the seven stars sounds like Mario RPG for the Super Nintendo. Awesome game. I could easily beat it but I could never defeat the Final Fantasy final boss in the monster village.

Revelations 3:7

“And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: ‘The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens.”
This sounds like a tongue twister. It’s a bit confusing.

Revelations 4:1-6

“After this I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven! And the first voice, which I had heard speaking to me like a trumpet, said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” ² At once I was in the Spirit, and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with one seated on the throne. ³ And he who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian, and around the throne was a rainbow that had the appearance of an emerald. ⁴ Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and seated on the thrones were twenty-four elders, clothed in white garments, with golden crowns on their heads. ⁵ From the throne came flashes of lightning, and rumblings and peals of thunder, and before the throne were burning seven torches of fire, which are the seven spirits of God, ⁶ and before the throne there was as it were a sea of glass, like crystal.”

Wow I never imagined Heaven would be like that. I always thought St. Peter would be at the pearly gates and you would have to take a number and wait in a long ass line. But hey you have all of the time in the Heaven. I thought there would be clouds, cupids and unicorns. And you see your dead relatives and play a lot of putt, putt with Jesus.

This interpretation sounds like from the Lord of the Rings. Awesome books and movies. But the end kept on going.

Revelations 4:7-9

“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: ⁷ the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. ⁸ And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,

“Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty,
    who was and is and is to come!””

That’s messed up. It reminds me of Lo Pan’s floating eye creature.

Revelations 6:7-8
“When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” ⁸ And I looked, and behold, a pale horse! And its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by wild beasts of the earth.”

Hades sounds like Hades from Greek mythology or Diablo 2. And those wild beasts sounds like an episode of when animals attack.

Revelations 7:1-4

“After this I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding back the four winds of the earth, that no wind might blow on earth or sea or against any tree. ² Then I saw another angel ascending from the rising of the sun, with the seal of the living God, and he called with a loud voice to the four angels who had been given power to harm earth and sea, ³ saying, “Do not harm the earth or the sea or the trees, until we have sealed the servants of our God on their foreheads.” ⁴ And I heard the number of the sealed, 144,000, sealed from every tribe of the sons of Israel”

Wow I didn’t quite get this. How does one man see four angels standing at the four corners of the Earth without satellites? And the world is round. And what do the tribes of the sons of Israel have to do with anything?

Revelations 8:6-13
“The Seven Trumpets
Now the seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared to blow them.
⁷ The first angel blew his trumpet, and there followed hail and fire, mixed with blood, and these were thrown upon the earth. And a third of the earth was burned up, and a third of the trees were burned up, and all green grass was burned up.
⁸ The second angel blew his trumpet, and something like a great mountain, burning with fire, was thrown into the sea, and a third of the sea became blood. ⁹ A third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.
¹⁰ The third angel blew his trumpet, and a great star fell from heaven, blazing like a torch, and it fell on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. ¹¹ The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters became wormwood, and many people died from the water, because it had been made bitter.
¹² The fourth angel blew his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, and a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of their light might be darkened, and a third of the day might be kept from shining, and likewise a third of the night.
¹³ Then I looked, and I heard an eagle crying with a loud voice as it flew directly overhead, “Woe, woe, woe to those who dwell on the earth, at the blasts of the other trumpets that the three angels are about to blow!””

It goes on and on. Hmm. A great star fell from Heaven? This was long before people have heard of the Universe and that stars are like the sun and are actually giant burning balls of hydrogen.

Revelations 9: 20

^“The rest of mankind, who were not killed by these plagues, did not repent of the works of their hands nor give up worshiping demons and idols of gold and silver and bronze and stone and wood, which cannot see or hear or walk, ²¹ nor did they repent of their murders or their sorceries or their sexual immorality or their thefts.”

I’m starting to think God is a pessimist and is incredibly insecure. Again all I hear about is false gods and sins.

Revelation 12:7-9

^“Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back, ⁸ but he was defeated, and there was no longer any place for them in heaven. ⁹ And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.”

That would make a cool movie.

Revelations 13:1-4

“And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, with ten horns and seven heads, with ten diadems on its horns and blasphemous names on its heads. ² And the beast that I saw was like a leopard; its feet were like a bear's, and its mouth was like a lion's mouth. And to it the dragon gave his power and his throne and great authority. ³ One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed, and the whole earth marveled as they followed the beast. ⁴ And they worshiped the dragon, for he had given his authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast, and who can fight against it?”

This is my all-time favorite passage from the bible. It sounds like something out of Clash of the Titans or Godzilla. How could you believe in monsters and all of this nonsense?

Revelations 14:14-20

“Behold, the day of the Lord comes, cruel, with wrath and fierce anger, to make the land desolation and to destroy its sinners from it.”

First off St. John loves using the word “behold.” As do I. “Behold, I am Gregera. Fear me or die!” So God is pissed off. I guess he’s on his period.

Secondly I’m sick and tired of hearing about sinners. Sinner this, sinner that. What have they all done to piss off God so much? “Well sinner. When your child scraped his knee you purchased some band-aids on a Sunday! Since I rested on a Sunday you can’t buy stuff. You will burn in Hell for all eternity!”

Also I said this earlier but what the fuck does it mean when Jesus died for our sins. How does people crucifying God’s only son somehow nullify us doing terrible things? “Well I killed little Timmy, but somehow some dude getting nailed to a cross makes it okay.”

Revelations 16: 17-21

^“The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and a loud voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, “It is done!” ¹⁸ And there were flashes of lightning, rumblings peals of thunder, and a great earthquake such as there had never been since man was on the earth, so great was that earthquake. ¹⁹ The great city was split into three parts, and the cities of the nations fell, and God remembered Babylon the great, to make her drain the cup of the wine of the fury of his wrath. ²⁰ And every island fled away, and no mountains were to be found. ²¹ And great hailstones, about one hundred pounds each, fell from heaven on people; and they cursed God for the plague of the hail, because the plague was so severe.”

There were actually seven bowls of bad stuff but it was really, really long. I wonder what the weather station reported? There is a 90% chance of lightning and thunder. Some earthquakes hitting 5.0 on the Richter scale and 100 pound hail falling from Heaven.

Revelations 19: 2

“Hallelujah! (I know what you’re thinking Stix)
Salvation and glory and power belong to our God,
²     for his judgments are true and just;
for he has judged the great prostitute
    who corrupted the earth with her immorality,
and has avenged on her the blood of his servants”

I think I missed something. What does some great hooker have to do with anything?

Revelations 21:1-4

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ² And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.⁴ He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Um so Jerusalem came down out of Heaven from God? And there is a new Earth and Heaven? And why didn’t God get it right the first time. So no more death, mourning, crying or pain. Sounds dandy to me.

Revelations 19:17-18

^“Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, and with a loud voice he called to all the birds that fly directly overhead, “Come, gather for the great supper of God, ¹⁸ to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all men, both free and slave, both small and great.””

What!? What’s with the cannibalism? That sounds like a pagan ritual.

Revelations 22:20-21

“He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.”

That’s all folks. And I’m going to Hell.