Canada Day

It’s Canada Day Baby! I’m lazy so here is a blog I wrote last year about Canada Day.

Everyone knows that Canada is the greatest nation in the world. I mean who doesn’t like Canada. Our flag kicks ass, the red maple leaf is a cool symbol. We got the name Canada from a Native who meant that his village is named Canada. July 1^st is what we call Canada day.

Natives have been living in Canada for forever until the white man came. So I think it’s a little racist that we say Canada was founded in um1867? So 2011 minus 1867 is um. Let me see my calculator, oh Canada is 144 years old. I think. I wore my colors and a stupid hat like most others do. Then you get some dude wearing a blue t-shirt. Hey America Day is on the Forth of July traitor.

The parade was good but Lisa was right when she told me that there were just a lot of floats with people waving or just random people walking around with these almost advertisements. Like these kids will be holding a banner for the Burger King kids club and try our Angry Cheeseburger. And happy Canada Day!

I do love the shriners and their little cars. I wish I had one. Too bad we need replacement drivers soon because those old dudes won’t be riding their mini cars forever. What’s this? Henry kicked the bucket? I wonder if they drive their mini cars down to the cemetery with a mini hearse.

A lot of the floats throw candy at you. I don’t know how safe it is for kids to jump into the middle of the road while these floats and these shrinners coming by. I saw this kid getting all of the candies for himself and left none for this little girl. Part of my twisted humor is that I think it is funny when kids cry over nothing.

There was the gymnasts. These little girls looked stronger than me and could pull off all these crazy acrobatic maneuvers. I can barely do a cart wheel.

There are always the fire trucks that spray water at you when they should be ready to fight fires. I used to love throwing water balloons back at them. And make them small enough not to explode but slap them on their face.

I love bag pipes. Most people find them annoying but not me. My brother actually has my great grandfather playing the pipes tattooed on his arm. I wish I could do the whole drum roll thing.

For what ever reason there was a guy dressed up as Boba Fett. He made his own costume and it looked fucking awesome. But I have no idea what Star Wars had to do with Canada. If I had a Boba Fett costume I’d be wearing it all the time.

Anyway I going to the fireworks tonight and am going to get really stoned. My favorite are the loud ones and I love to pretend to be in Vietnam. It’s like Apocalypse Now when they are at the bridge and everything is all crazy.

I don’t know how they work? I’m sure it’s all done on computers now. But I always wonder if something will screw up and the trees are caught on fire or the dude blows off his arm. I going to actually bring a towel or chair this time and not lie on the ground And if I drive I’m planning to park way the fuck down the road so I don’t spend $20 on gas idling for a half hour.

A good thing I bought beer yesterday because they are closed today. I realize it’s a holiday but every year people forget that and have to go across the border or steal dad’s liquor. I just wish I could get as excited that it’s Canada as everyone else. Maybe I should get really wasted and be like hey people it’s Canada Day! Booya!