Survivor

Survivor: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

Have you ever run away from home when you were a kid? I did over something stupid and hid in the park. I forget what happened but I was thinking of all of this hateful shit to happen to my parents.  I was thinking oh they will be sorry, oh just you wait. Four hours later I was broke and hungry and went back home. But I was still pissed off. That was survivor for me.

I was never big on reality shows. I think I watched the Bachelor because the bitches are hot, slutty and mean.  I liked the Osbornes because I love Ozzy and I always wondered what a rock star like him would do when he’s not rocking. I could never really understand him but he can still rock! And since I love midgets, I liked Little People, Big World. But Survivor is the ultimate reality show.

I loved watching the first few Survivors because it was new and exciting. The second and third one had some really hot chicks in their bikinis. But I stopped watching it after the third season because it got a bit repetitive. By then they kept switching teammates because of the first season when the four made a pact to stay together. And the competitions were getting old. “Whoever eats the cow shit the first wins a tooth brush!”

So I was looking at VHS movies at the store and found Survivor Season One; the greatest and most outrageous moments. I just hoped it wouldn’t have more footage off Richard, the gay guy, butt naked. In the first few days Richard asks another guy if he had any homosexual tendencies. He said no. I’m sure he had. But I think he hooked up with the hotty.

The winner makes a million dollars. I think that brings the worst out of people. Sure there is comradely but everyone is thinking about the money and will do anything. Hell I would do it for ten thousand dollars. They made a law that you can’t share the winnings.

Survivor is usually on some tropical island, wilderness or outback. For the most part, it’s somewhere nice and hot and the chicks are nice and hot. I don’t know if there are any dangerous wildlife or predators. What happens if a poisonous snake is going to attack someone, does the wildlife expert intervene to catch it?

I think they should try somewhere cold like northern Canada. Imagine how cool the competitions would be in snow or ice. They would have to make igloos and need to catch fish. That would really be survivor.

The first one was on an island in the Southern China seas. There are two tribes that compete each other for prizes and immunity. I think they were the Cribs and Bloods in the first season. There are different competitions like physical challenges, problem and solving challenges and tasks of will power. Will power ones are standing on a log the longest or listening to Barbra Streisand the longest.

Each player could bring one item along. You might want to bring a bucket, or a knife or a lighter, something useful. But no, idiot brings a razor to shave his beard and chest. I understand the women need to shave their legs and you want to look good on television. But a razor? While you’re at it, why not bring some deodorant or a hair dryer.

If you were wondering where the guys take a shit, they dug a hole and made a wooden toilet seat. Girls on the other hand poo flowers. It would be a tad embarrassing. Imagine you got sick from all of the food and got the runs. “Dammit, I need more leaves!” I think the production crew had their own bathroom and soap.

Each three days the loser tribe have to vote some loser off. This is both awkward and hilarious. Some people say nice things, some say not nice things. I love the host Jeff especially when he says “the tribe has spoken” and extinguish their torch. Afterwards the loser talks about how mean the others were or that there was a conspiracy.

I don’t know where the losers go after they are voted off but I’m sure it’s nice. I mean how bad would it be for the forth place person to make it all the way until the end and not win anything. I rather be the first person out, like the old people.

As everyone knows old people are useless. The first was this nice sixty something lady that brought her guitar. She was a cancer survivor but not a survivor survivor. She fucked up and costs their tribe the immunity challenge.

Hey this is survivor and not the Golden Girls. Then the other old guy was the second voted off. I think there should be Senior Survivor; that would be funny. And I always wondered why they never had any fat players? “Dammit he’s eating all of the fucking rice!”

There really is a lot of strategy involved. You want to be nice to everyone and not seen as a threat. You want to go with the flow and not stand out. You want to be helpful and an asset to the tribe. You want to be good at competitions, but not too good.

That’s why the girl in season two won. She didn’t deserve to win. In fact if I remember the leader have to vote one of the other two remaining opponents off. Had he voted the girl off he would have won because nobody liked the douche. But he gave up a million dollars for being nice.

I love all of the drama. There are always cameramen taping everything. Some clips of players were fun and light hearted. And some were just treacherous and deceitful. I know I would be manipulative for a reward of a million dollars. “Damn you Greg we had a deal! I will kill you!” And you can’t raid the other tribe or fight each other.

The third player to get voted off was the token black chick. However, she was violently ill so it was no contest to vote her off. But one chick was so, so racists. She actually said something like “now she can go home and eat KFC and all of that.”

Idiot doctor voted by alphabet. I guess he couldn’t manage to make a decision on his own. Therefore the players know who he is going to vote off next. If I had to vote I would be like haha the tribe has spoken. You lose.

The marine was hilarious. He teamed up with the “queer” Richmond even though he didn’t like queers or black people. That’s right he let that bomb slip, but hey he’s old, I think he was like 71 years young but tough as nails.

Then there was gross bitch truck driver. She was very annoying and she just bugged me. She looked so mugly, especially without her makeup. She was flat but had these pointy nipples. Ewww. She was a huge hypocrite. At the final tribal she went into this rant against both Richard and the hot chick for like ten minutes. She was calling them rats, snakes and shit. The alliance was over and somebody had to go you stupid bitch.

Richard wins the first survivor and wins a million dollars even though he was probably the wealthiest player. I think he immediately went to Sans Francisco and bought a shitload of dildos. Too bad the show is in the States and Richard had to pay almost half of it to the government for taxes. But he didn’t and he got charged with fraud or something and went to jail. I don’t know if he enjoyed being in jail or not?