Noah’s Arc

Noah’s Really, Really Big Boat

I’m pretty drunk right now and I decided to make fun of religion. Again. I already made fun of the Ten Commandments, church, prayers, Genesis, Heaven and Hell. But my favorite make-believe story is Noah’s Arc. I mean come on, it never happened. If you do believe in it you’re either crazy or just plain stupid. So here is my take on Noah’s arc.

For those who don’t know, a long time ago God was pissed off with all of these evil people he created and decided the best course of action is to flood the world killing all animals. Except fish of course. I’m no biologist but wouldn’t such a flood also kill all plant life? There is no way a tree could survive such a long time submerged in water. And what about birds, they can’t just fly around forever.

But Noah was cool and the man upstairs told him to construct an arc, gather two of each animal and float there until the flood was over. And once it’s all said and done God promised he would never flood the world again. Yeah! But he can always send a meteor headed straight for Earth.

So Noah would have to go around the world to capture two of every animal. That would be a bitch figuring which is the male and which is the female. I mean he must spend a lot of time just looking for the tiny dick of a porcupine.

I’m no geologist but how does he get around the world and cross the ocean. He would have to go as far as Antarctica to capture a cute little penguin couple.  He would also have to capture dangerous creatures like lions, crocodiles and me. Haha nice try.

But here is the funny part, once captured, let’s say some skunks in North America, how does he transport all of those animals across the ocean and back home? Hmm. Let’s see, he would have to build another arc to just to cross there and back. Rendering the first arc useless. It was never called Noah’s arcs.

There is no way Noah could get enough lumbar to build a ship. A ship large enough to fit thousands upon thousands of animals. He would have to contain them so the tigers don’t eat the cute little bunny rabbits. Then he would have to feed every animal its own diet and clean piles of shit. Noah must have lost a lot of animals. Like the drizzard or the T-Rex.

So God floods the entire world and all of those who didn’t believe in him die. Including little Timmy. I think it’s just a little cruel to drown people; even evil people. If some guy down the street made this arc or space rocket and warned us about a flood or some disaster I would think he is crazy. Unless of course you live in New Orleans. Why doesn’t God just release some chemical agent formulized to killing only evil people. Like in the movie Twelve Monkeys. Awesome movie.