Dumbass

I’m the Smartest Person in the World!

I’m not the sharpest porcupine in the forest. But I really don’t give a shit. As of now, what and when would I ever have to think or be intelligent? Seriously. Maybe when I play Zelda? And I even use the internet when I get stuck. And I get stuck a lot.

Ignorance is bliss. I know people way smarter than me working at McDonalds. Sure they can spit on my Big Mac or make fun of customers behind their back, but everyday all they do is flip burgers and take orders. I mean would you be proud to be employee of the month?

A side note. I even saw this huge and short beast working at the fries. I’m trying not to pick on overweight people. I understand you are surrounded by food all day but for Jesus’ sake there are better things in life than eating and not moving around.

Back in the day I was one of the smarter students. I was good at math, science and computers. But I was never good at English and French. Now I can hardly count chips at poker. And I used to be great at computers and writing scripts.  I was loved making HyperCard stacks and games. But I lost all ability and can’t even make the simplest of websites.

But I think everyone is good at least something. Even if you are good at being a total loser. I’m pretty decent at psychology and philosophy, but I think my strongest trait is being creative. I always had the best speeches, Halloween costumes, school projects and videos.

Part of my humor is presentation and how I deliver it. It’s not what I say but how I say it. That’s the problem with the internet you can get the wrong impression or you can’t tell if someone is joking or being sarcastic. Kind of how I love the Snow Dogs movie.

I was awesome at stone face back at elementary school. That’s where you try to make the other person laugh. One thing I did was lifting my shirt and rubbing my nipple. It worked half the time, every time. And when it was their turn to make me laugh I would think of my dead hamster or Cher naked.

My friends rip on me all of the time. But they know me and they know my tics. And it’s okay because they’re my pals. Still I do have feelings. But I’m a very easy going person. However if someone else is tried to insult me I might get upset. For example I just smoked a big joint with the guys at poker and then I sat at the wrong table and I couldn’t count my chips.

There was this one dildo kept calling me princess for some reason. Well douche bag is thinking hey this is perfect opportunity to make fun of me. So he made this hilarious comment that “when people get older their ears get bigger”. Oh no I have big ears. I’m going to go cry myself to sleep. By the way I’m being sarcastic. But he had a big nose.  So I came back with “I also heard when people get older, such as yourself, their nose gets bigger.” Zing. That shut him up.

It’s one thing to make fun of what I just said. For example at soccer I saw some these people taking pictures and I said “oh cool are they taking photos for the Sarnia Observer.” And my teammate said “no it’s the Toronto Star.” Fair enough.

But when you fuck up at making fun of someone, you’re the idiot. At hockey I said some stupid things just trying to make conversation. I kept forgetting people’s names and stuff. So Kevin the conveyer caught wind of this and tried way too hard to poke fun at me.

For example they were preparing the other rink for Seinfeld’s upcoming standup. By the way I wish I got tickets because I love Seinfeld. The zamboni happened to be late and I asked Kevin where it is. And he says something like “oh its not done until they zamboni the rink for Seinfeld.” And I said in a certain sarcastic tone “oh really” as in “ya right.”

Well he didn’t understand sarcasm and was laughing and he said he was only joking. And he thinks I’m the idiot.  So another time I asked where the pucks are and he says that he forgot them and we are using roller hockey balls instead. I finally I just said “Kevin what the FUCK are you talking about?!”

Back at UWO I was taking math and I was chatting with this American student. First off he was completely racist. Somehow our conversation got to religion and atheism. His point was that Thomas Edison is one of histories smartest people and he was Christian. I argued that just because someone is a genius doesn’t mean that he is intelligent or good at absolutely everything. For example I would love to go head to head with Stephan Hawking about religion, philosophy and life.

Anyway I’m very proud of my blogpage. I’m happy that my page has over 5000 pageviews from all over the world and people think I’m funny. It feels good. It’s something productive to do than just watching T.V. all day. I think I’m natural at making fun of things when given the opportunity. I’m not quick at comebacks unless I have time to think it over. “Ya the stupid doorknob store called and they’re running out of you. You stupid dumb jerk.”