Jerry, Jerry Springer

Talk Shows

I think most people would want to be on T.V. I wouldn’t because I have extreme stage fright and I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself. But many people are so desperate that they would do anything to get on T.V. and have their fifteen minutes. So some resort to talk shows.

I don’t know why you want would solve your problems on national T.V. Take Dr. Phil, who isn’t even a real doctor. Most of their problems are obvious. And some are not. But he tries to assess and solve their problems in a half hour show. Come on Phil, you know it’s not that easy. You can’t change someone with a just little sound advice. “Thankyou Phil, you opened my eyes and I’m a new man!” And why is Phil in one of those stupid Scary Movie movies?

Jerry Springer

I remember way back when a new show called Jerry Springer first came on air and it was hilarious. Springer is Jewish and one of my favorite early episodes is when he had the K.K.K. on the show. Springer almost lost it on them. The show was different and it caught on. Especially to the red neck crowd.

Soon the people on the show would fight each other and the whole audience chant “Jerry, Jerry.” It was funny at first but I found it got old with all of these white trash idiots fighting all of the time for no reason. It became expected that people would fight. I have never seen one episode where they didn’t fight.

I realize all of that fighting is real and probably hurts but I think a lot of it is choreographed. I think guest are chosen to be on the show based on how crazy they are. For one thing nobody notices that many guests were already on the show numerous times. Then there are the flashers. I love seeing boobs and all, but these flashers are usually fat and ugly. “No lady, please, just please put on some clothes you look like Jabba the Hut.”

By now the only part I enjoy is when the audience pretty much rip on whoever is on the show. It’s so easy and I love when people on the show get pissed off. And how can he keep making his whole reflection thing at the end. There are only so many times he can write something new about someone fucking his mother in law with a hooker and some sausages in a someone’s else’s trailer while the guy is at work at Wendy’s.

Jenny Jones

I’ll admit I didn’t mind Jenny Jones while she was on the air. She is Canadian and a former comedian. She really liked the whole makeover shows. Sometimes they don’t have much to work with and some are still just as ugly. It’s like having Rosie Odonnell on the show. There is nothing you can do except put a paper bag over her face. But the audience would clap nonetheless.

My favorite episodes are the “is this a man or a woman.” So these gendered challenged guests would strut their stuff and you had to guess what sex they are. The funny part is when they think the woman is a man and they’re wrong. “Haha I’m actually a woman. Haha.”

Soon they had a flood of “who is the father?” These women are hores. It’s pretty bad when you don’t know who got you pregnant. They have to have been fooling around with different men in a short period of time without any protection.

The problem is that people can’t afford to pay for a paternity tests and therefore end up on the show. I love when the guy finds out he isn’t the father and he is like the happiest man in the world. “Yeah bitch I aint your daddy.” And the real fathers are like: shit! I guess they have to do to the process of elimination with other men she fucked.

One controversial episode is when this guy on the show, Jonathan, had a secret admirer. He assumed she was a woman. No it was this major homo Scott that he knew. And Scott proclaimed his love for him on the show. Then Jonathan killed Scott three days later. That’s just a bit excessive.

But for all of you gay people please stop hitting on straight men. I thought you had a gay code like wearing pink shirts, one earring and cutoff jeans. I’ve have been hit on before and I didn’t know why. It was very awkward, annoying and disturbing. Don’t they have a homo radar? So look gay people go on some gay dating hotline or hit the gay bars. I think they are the ones with fluoresce lights, music like YMCA and Lady Gaga and names like the Cock Express or I Suck Dick.

Maury

Maury is an alright talk show but I’m not sure if it is on T.V. anymore. Most of his shows ran the same theme from “out of control teenager,” “who is the father” and “I have a secret to tell you.”

Imagine you’re on the show about your wife having a secret and you’re wondering what kind of secrets your wife has to reveal. “Hmm, my wife wants to reveal something and she can only do it on a television show. I hope it’s good. Maybe she is a spy, a millionaire or even an alien.” No she’s a transvestite. “Hmm, what wonderful news.”

I love the polygraph tests, which is a lie detector. I’m not sure how accurate they are and I know they won’t hold up in court. I always wanted to do one and see if I can beat it. It would be funny if I’m asked “are you Satan?” And I find out I am.

But the best ones are the ones with slutty teenage girls that want to get knocked up. For example one 14 year old wanted to get pregnant. I laughed my ass off since the girl had already two STDs. Another troll was so fugly that she had to meet men on the internet.  And other guest would pull the whole “it’s my body I’ll do what I want.” Yes it’s your body but I just don’t like looking at it.