Jurassic Park the Lost World

As a kid I loved dinosaurs. At the “Bookmobile” I always picked the dinosaur books with pictures and hardly any words. So okay I loved Jurassic Park. It was a cool story and had some great special effects. It was the closet to ever seeing a real dinosaur. And I love Newman. I wonder where he is now?

But I already made a blog about Jurassic Park a while ago. I watched the movie a couple of times over and I never understood why everyone leaves on a boat when the inspectors are visiting. I mean the success of the park is riding on these critics and nobody is there. I don’t even think they had a test run of the park. And where were the chefs that cooked the meals? I mean they’re going to be there a while. Are they going to use the microwave and make some Kraft dinner?

But I didn’t like the Lost World as much. The movie begins four years later in another dinosaur island. It stars Goldblum, Vince Vaughn, some bald guy and the cokehead redhead hoar from Boggie Nights. Great movie by the way.  And I’m not being sarcastic. It’s a kick ass movie about porn set in the late 70s and early 80s. But there isn’t really any porn; which is good.

In the first Jurassic Park Goldblum is a loveable chaotician. Not a mathematician. He’s a bit kooky and says he has a lot of ex wives but wasn’t seeing anyone. He did try to hit on Dr. Sattler. So than how long were he and Redhead seeing each other? Were they dating before or after the incident? Personally I think she’s a bitch that is using him for a chance to see some dinosaurs.

Then there is his nosey daughter Vanessa. Since she’s black I assume he adopted her. Again how did he get custody off her? After the incident everyone thinks he’s crazy and I don’t think the adoption agency would allow him to adopt her. He actually said something like he didn’t leave her and split to Paris. That’s real nice. I’d like to go back to that part to quote it but its on VHS and is a bitch to rewind and pause.

The movie begins with these rich British people on some island. There are the parents, their daughter and like twenty servants. What exactly do all of them do anyway? It would be cool though having people wait on you hand and foot. “Geoffrey may you get me some Big Macs, some Triscuit crackers, a 3DS and some Jagermeister.” I would never ever call my son Geoffrey because they would just have to be a butler.

But I’m way off track here. The dad lets the little girl wonder off. She feeds some CGI dinosaurs, that aren’t there, some meat and then screams as they are about to eat her. They all run after her and mother gives a fantastic scream. I think she’s typecast as the woman who screams in the Lost World. Don’t worry the little girl is fine.

Its funny, way back in elementary school we were recording this audio tape. At one point this girl has to scream. So she does a shitty scream and I say loudly “what was that?” Then we played the tape back, she screams and then you hear me “what was that?” We played it a couple of times. Its was much funnier if you were there.

So Goldblum is screwed. He signed a waver of disclosure (is that the right word?) about what happened and he ends up looking crazy. He ends up going back to see Gramps. You see the grand kids for two seconds. I bet they got paid a hundred dollars and some fruit rollups just to say hello and to hug him and then disappear. Gramps is fucked, but he tells Gold about another dinosaur island that he wants him and some professionals to survey.

Gramps tells him that he prepared a team with Vince Vaughn, bald guy and finally his woman Redhead. Redhead is already there and Gold wants to rescue her. We meet up with his adopted daughter Vanessa who wants to come with. She doesn’t take too kindly of Redhead because she doesn’t have Sega. Hey look its 1997 and everyone has Nintendo 64s or Playstations. Look bitch, who the fuck is going to play a Sega?

So they arrive at the Lost World. They bring some serious technology and equipment but they couldn’t get a damn cell phone that works. The island stretches for miles but they just so happen to find Redhead in like ten minuets. How convenient.  Sure she has worked with dangerous animals but look bitch these are fucking dinosaurs.

She pets some baby stegosaurus and then scares it with the camera and is almost killed by the other bigger stegosauri. And once it’s over with she doesn’t give a shit that she was almost killed. And they find Vanessa starting a fire because she’s an idiot and wanted to come along. “Look bitch I told you not to come.”

So the gang sees a shitload of helicopters of a competing corporation. I’m assuming an evil corporation. Peter Ludlow is the evil boss and nephew to Gramps. He’s the CEO of this new evil corporation here to capture all of these dinosaurs so he can create his own Jurassic Park in the U.S. His team is led by this hunter guy.

My favorite part is where these poachers are on the trail and are catching dinosaurs. And my favorite character is the long orange hair cowboy who knows everything about dinosaurs. So the evil corporation setup evil camp and safely store the dinosaurs in cages. And the gang looks pissed for whatever reason.

I don’t know what the gang’s agenda is? Gold doesn’t give a shit about some dinosaurs. He’s there to bring his woman home. Baldy and Vince are just there to get some good footage. So I guess it’s the bitch who thought of freeing the dinosaurs.

Now this is the part that pisses me off. What was the point of releasing these dinosaurs? These are people here just to capture the dinosaurs for people to see and enjoy. They aren’t evil. So bitch decides to open all of the fucking cages. It’s the equivalent of releasing lions and tigers in a zoo. The dinosaurs run amuck. Now the corporation’s equipment is fucked and they are all fucked too.

Redhead genius decides to rescue a baby tyrannosaurus and bring it back on their convoy. Am I missing something here? Then the baby T-Rex’s parents are pissed.off and want their baby back. Haha baby back, baby back, I want my baby back, Chili’s, baby back ribs. And the Rexs push the vehicle over the cliff.

This is what bugs me about sequels. They decide that one part in the original movie was good, so hey lets do it again only slightly different. In the first Jurassic Park the T-Rex pushes the truck over a cliff. This time two rexes push the vehicle over a cliff. Hmm.

So baldy decides to be a hero and saves the others. And then he’s like “shit these rexes are going eat me because nobody likes me… sob” And he gets ripped apart. Whatever happened to the Mr. and Mrs. Rex after his daring rescue. And where is the baby rex in all of this?

And two seconds later the bad guys appear and both teams join forces to get the fuck out of the place. This guy dickface killed some little dinosaurs earlier and because of this, he must die. He decides to take a piss and tells Mexican guy he’s going to the men’s room. Well Mexican guy was listening to music, probably Enrique Iglesias and doesn’t hear him. He wanders around when he could easily take a piss behind any tree. Nobody is watching. He gets lost and gets killed by the very dinos he killed earlier. That’s karma.

So they setup camp and BAM, there is the male rex that I will now call Rex. Only Gold knows not to move because rexes only see movement. Nobody else seems to know that, even long orange hair cowboy. And cowboy loses his cowboy hat. Hey, if I was among like twenty people getting chased by a fucking T-Rex I’d run into the forest and hide. And not run down the convenient path getting picked one by one. Mexican guy doesn’t think of this and ends up getting squished. Arriba!

Earlier in the movie we are introduced to this hunter guy who only wants to hunt a male adult T-Rex. Don’t get me wrong, the T-Rex is the ultimate predator but what is he going to do with it? Sell it to the highest bidder or donate it to a museum? Or is he going to put it on his front lawn? So finally here’s his chance and woops he’s out of ammo. And even the guys who do have guns don’t seem to know how to use them?

So a bunch of people are cornered in a cave just inches away from Rex. Well idiot has a snake crawling around his neck and decides that getting bitten by a snake is worse than getting eaten alive by a dinosaur. So he steps out of the cave and Rex eats him. That’s gotta bite. Haha I’m hilarious. Haha.

“So hey we are being chased by Rex let’s run down this tall grass even though we should know that raptors lurk there and hey lets get picked off one by one.” I don’t know about you but I rather take my chances with Rex. And why do black people go to these dinosaur parks when they know they’re going to get killed. I don’t even know if there were any black people that did survive. So there is a close up of token black guy screaming as he’s about to get eaten by a raptor.

The movie follows the gang as they are attacked by raptors, narrowly escape and finally are airlifted. We find out that Vince stole hunter guy’s bullets. Had hunter guy had his ammo none of this shit would have happened. In fact none of this would happen if they didn’t free the damn dinosaurs in the first place. I am very happy though that the hunter survived because he’s cool and seems to be the only one who has remorse or any feelings about all of this shit that went down.

The gang then land in San Diego and Redhead lets her hair down. And in few moments the ship carrying Rex crashes into the port with everyone aboard dead. How did Rex get in those tight spots to eat everyone is beyond me because the baby had his mouth tied shut.  I think the dinosaur islands are in Nublar or Costa Rica or wherever. I’m no geologist but how did the ship get to the States when everyone aboard is dead and therefore could end up anywhere. But the ship happens to land in the exact right location.

Idiot opens the Rex’s cage and oh shit Rex is going on a killing spree. Rex decides to look for his baby in the suburbs. It’s kind of like Godzilla only Rex doesn’t fight Mothra or Ghidorah. They actually show three Chinese men running away. Too bad one of them didn’t say “look, its Godzilla!”

So Rex is going on a rampage and killing civilians all thanks to Redhead. One scene shows little Timmy seeing Rex and telling his parents. Normally I’d piss my pants and my dad would call me an idiot. So the parents also see Rex as he eats his dog. “Don’t worry Timmy we’ll get a new one. Maybe a golden retriever. And some new underwear.”

And finally you guess it, the evil douche Peter Ludlow gets brutally killed in the end. That’s too bad. Well they decide to send the Rexes back to the island. Am I missing something here? I have no clue how they are going to do it. But like the end of the Goonies it doesn’t matter where the ship goes. Finally you see the dinosaurs living it up in the now preservation island. And you see a pterodactyl that could fly anywhere. And then they made Jurassic Park III with Dr. Grant, his bitch and William H. Macy. I tried to watch it three times but I kept falling asleep.