Back in the day me and my brother used to be hardcore hockey cards collectors. It was addictive and we spent our entire allowance on them. We either bought them at the Kwiki Mart or at this dude’s garage that he sold them out of. The packages always came with that disgusting rock hard gum. Hey next time use Strident. I mean Strident lasts forever.
Don’t get me wrong I always loved that Kinder Surprise chocolate but I’m buying it for the toys. Sometimes it’s a good surprise like those cars that you wind up and release them. Sometimes it’s a shitty surprise like a thumbtack or a gay surprise like a miniature pink plastic unicorn.
As you know the better the pro athlete the rarer the card. That’s why you get a Greg Merchant hockey card every other package and maybe if you are lucky you score big time with a Wayne Gretzky card. My family’s favorite team has always been the Montréal Canadians. But I don’t know why. So that’s why brother’s most covenant and valuable card is the Patrick Roy rookie card. It’s pronounced Patrick Waaa because he’s French.
I always wished my dad would have kept his old hockey cards. He didn’t have the foreknowledge to keep them and in good condition and make a fortune. No he didn’t give a shit and ended up playing this game with his friends where you throw them against the wall and something.
Whatever you do don’t get your card autographed. It’s more valuable without the signature. Funny story, back in the day me and my brother went to a Shawn Bur and Steve Yzerman hockey camp because my dad had high hopes for my brother. He was always the athlete of the family and I just tagged along. I played house league and my brother played travel where they use to travel a lot.
My brother won the shoot out competition and received an awesome hockey stick signed by Steve Yzerman. We also got half of the Redwing player’s signatures on authentic Redwing jerseys. And then my mom put them in the washing machine. Yes, that’s right she washed them and I don’t even know what had come of them.
Well I know my cousin would go way out of town just to buy any collectables. He’s a grown man and like the 40 year virgin he still collects He-Man, Transformers and other action figures. Well every year Mc Donald’s sell these hockey cards that he collects. I don’t even know if he goes there for delicious Big Macs or what. My question is do people still buy cards for what they are supposed to be worth?
Years later me and my friends bought Overpower cards. Which were cool. I realize they made new Overpower cards but these are old school. I’m bad at explaining things but here it goes. They are Marvel Comics trading cards where you collect Marvel heroes or villains and go head to head with one of your friends. Each hero has three statistics that are fighting, strength and energy. For example Professor X would have a high energy and low strength and low fighting. You each have four heroes and you deal your own deck with hero specialty cards and action cards of those three statistics. Then you attack and defend and whoever has any heroes left wins. One friend of mine collected comics and found a revive hero card inside. Cheap! Again they were addictive and I spent all of my paperboy money on them.
Then there was this fat French kid I know who was part of the clique that I would sell candy to. For example I would buy Twix at the discount store and then sell it to him for double or triple because he’s fat. He always stole his dad’s money and bought us things. He even once paid me ten bucks just to come over to my place where me and my friend were having Kraft dinner.
One thing I didn’t like was he was friends with this crazy fuck Raymond Como that we would call Raymond Homo. Homo would even climb in the vents to watch girls change and years later he raped like ten chicks. What an evil fucking douche. I hope he goes to jail and see how being raped feels like.
So French fatty would end up buying like thirty packs with his dad’s money. He had so many heroes except for this one rare hero, I think it was Cable. So I get Cable and ended up selling it to him for fifteen bucks. Then he buys some more packages and you got it, he gets Cable. There was also this nerd that we would rip him off if we were nice to him. And I still have my Overpower cards in my drawers. I like the pictures.
There were a ton of shitty trading cards too. Like Desert Storm trading cards. I bought some and I had no clue who they fuck they were. Like you get General John Doe with a list of his medals. That’s nice. I think it would be cooler to have some crazy Vietnam
There were also Batman cards of the non-gay Batman movie with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicolson. For example there might a picture of the Batmobile, Alfred serving Meatloaf or Kim Basinger with the subtitle Vicki is a hoar. I’m just glad they never made Batman and Robin cards because it’s such a bad movie.
There was even Alf cards. They were either a funny clip like Alf eating a cat or there were Melmac baseball cards that were funny. I would never think that there would be cards made of a sitcom. Imagine there were Two and a Half Men cards with all of the chicks that Charlie has banged. They would have stats like cup size, age, fetishes and how many times they fucked. The Rose card is the rarest of them all.
I also remember when I was youngling that there were these fucked up cards called Garbage Pail Kids. They were introduced in 1987 and looked just like Cabbage Patch Kids. They had zany characters with funny names. For example there was one named Adam Bomb that was a kid with an atomic bomb exploding from his head. Or take Guillo Tina who is getting her head cut off by a guillotine. They were so popular they were banned in schools.
Finally there are Magic cards. Ha-ha nerds! I have no clue how you play it or anything at all really. I think you collect mystical creatures such as green centaur elves, blood horned goblins and night ghost knights and fight each other. Hmm, that also sounds like one of my favorite games; Heroes and Magic. But I don’t feel like a dork when I buy it at Wal-Mart. Magic users have to buy them at the Kiwki Mart and each time the East Indian clerk looks down upon them and laughs when they leave. “Ha-ha silly American nerds!”
I remember back in college on the second day at Perth Hall there were these two nerds already getting out the Magic that they will probably spend their whole year doing. Hey geeks next time shut the door when playing Magic, you don’t want any chicks to see you and think you’re totally fags. I was actually having fun pretending to be interesting in their game. They’re totally missing out in the whole college experience where they should be partying. Hey, when you graduate and are desperately alone then go nuts with Magic and let your imagination soar.
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